Original subtitles

♪ My friends all call me Casper ♪

Downloaded from YTS.MX

♪ 'Cause the sun don't ever shine on me ♪

♪ Wanna be, I wanna be lonely ♪

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

♪ Wanna be, I wanna be, yeah... ♪

Thank you, Boston!

Thank you!

It is great to be here. I look good.

I don't know if you know, I'm normally a fat guy.

But, since I've lost all this weight, now I'm just...

arrogant.

And by the way, thin people, that's how we view you,

as arrogant bastards.

I have lost weight. Since I've lost weight,

I find I get two types of reactions.

One group, these people, they won't even say anything to me.

They'll just go up to my wife and ask,

"Is Jim okay?"

Which sounds like concern,

but I just hear judgment.

'Cause to them, it's more likely that I'm sick

than I would ever have any self-discipline.

"Well, obviously, Jim's not exercising and eating healthy.

He must have cancer."

That's one group.

The other group, these people will come up to me

and accuse me of being on an appetite suppressant. They're like,

"You're on Ozempic! Admit it! You're on Ozempic!"

And I'm not, alright?

I'm on a different one.

I'm on Mounjaro,

which is better, right?

'Cause it sounds like an Italian restaurant.

"Welcome to Mounjaro.

"When you're here, you're not eatin' anything

'cause you're a fat ass. Yeah!"

Now, I understand some people are against the appetite suppressants.

You know, they're like, "That's cheating. It's cheating."

I'm not playing Major League baseball.

I'm just a fat guy trying to not die.

"But it's not fair!"

Yeah, neither is balding and being born with no pigmentation.

But I've learned to deal with it.

This is an exciting time for me!

I'm thin, I'm in my 30s...

It is crazy. Most of my adult life,

I heard this constant internal monologue.

"Jim, you gotta stop eating. Jim, you gotta control your impulses."

And now, I know all I needed was a weekly shot

that killed all the passion inside of me.

I've learned so much!

I now understand thin people. You don't forget to eat.

You're dead inside.

Life is about compromise! Sure, I may never feel true joy again

but I can finally fit in my clothes that went out of style 30 years ago.

So, it's not a bad deal.

It's crazy. These appetite suppressants are a game changer.

Here's what's gonna happen.

All us fat people are gonna become thin.

Then, we're gonna mix in with you thin bastards.

And when you're not looking,

we're gonna eat you.

Doesn't matter if we're hungry. We just like to eat.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!

It is amazing how popular the appetite suppressants are, right?

'Cause we live in this age of...

body positivity.

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.

Oh, this drug will make you not hungry.

Give it to me or I'll kill you.

I'm trying to enjoy being thin, you know, 'cause I know I'm gonna be fat again.

I mean...

this is not sustainable.

This is the drug!

This is like 99% Big Pharma,

1% little Jim.

Right? I mean...

Right?

Besides, I still got my fat clothes!

¿-I'm not a fool.

I see 'em hanging in my closet, taunting me.

"You'll be back!

"You'll be wearin' me.

"'Member that time you ate an entire pizza and told your wife it never came?

That's who you really are."

The drug changes your attitude towards food.

I now view McDonald's

like some weird crush I had. I'm like... ,

"I can't believe I was so into you.

Meet me at midnight, and please don't tell my wife."

Appetite suppression wasn't even the intended use.

The drug was created to help people with diabetes

or something stupid.

But, once it got out that there was a diabetes medicine

that made people not crave donuts,

every fat person was like... "I just got diabetes.

Oh, ah, my diabetes is kickin' in."

It's not the first drug with a beneficial side effect, right?

We know about Viagra,

the contraceptive pill cures acne,

and, of course, alcohol makes people attractive.

But it must be frustrating for these scientists

that develop these life-changing drugs,

and we fixate on a side effect.

Like the people that created Viagra,

they were probably so excited at that press conference. They're like,

"Ah, ah, well,

"after decades of hard work, my team and I have developed this pill,

"which will save the lives of men suffering from high blood pressure.

"Now, uh, th-there are some minor side effects.

"Uh, nausea, dizziness,

"uh, you get a huge boner, but...

"But, most importantly,

"this is a lifesaving blood pressure medicine.

Any questions?"

"Uh, yeah, the boner part?

H-How long does the boner last?"

"Well, th-that's not really important, but four hours."

"Jesus Christ."

"Uh, i-if we could focus on the fact

that this is a life-saving blood pressure medicine."

"Uh, I got a blood pressure question.

"Say I had high blood pressure, and I was going on a date

"to, let's say, an orgy.

"When would be the optimal time to take your boner pill--

I mean, blood pressure medicine?"

I'm sure there's some men in the audience who take Viagra,

and by some, I mean every guy over the age of 40.

And, by the way, if you do take Viagra, you shouldn't be embarrassed.

It doesn't mean you're not a man. It just means

the body part that defines you as a man doesn't work.

You're like a eunuch, and they're manly!

Woo!

Now, there are some men over the age of 40 who don't take Viagra,

and they're called "celibate."

But heck, I've taken Viagra!

You know, just for the high blood pressure.

And the articles.

The articles are amazing.

We live in this age of incredible medical

and technological advancement.

I know people are worried about artificial intelligence.

"AI's gonna take over. AI's gonna take over."

I hope so.

I'm exhausted!

I feel like my intelligence has taken me as far as I'm gonna get.

I need artificial intelligence.

I was reading this article, "Will AI Take Over?"

I was halfway through before I realized it wasn't about a guy named Al.

"Will Al Take Over."

I thought it was about Al Roker.

And his love of A1.

"Jim, that's a dumb joke."

I feel like most of the technological advancements

are wasted on me. You know, like,

I still struggle with Wi-Fi passwords.

Like, even if the password's written down right in front of me, I'm like,

"I'm probably not gonna be able to do this."

It's just like six or eight letters or numbers,

and I feel like I'm taking the SATs. I'm like... ,

"I-I need more time.

I shoulda slept better last night."

You ever have someone tell you a Wi-Fi password?

"Oh, our Wi-Fi password, it's super easy.

"It's just beagle, all lowercase.

And the E's a three, and the G's an eight, and the last E's an F."

Uh, yeah, but h-how do you spell beagle?

Technology is getting more complicated.

I miss the simpler times.

Like, remember when you used to be able to choose your own password?

'Cause now, you have to get approval,

and they always kinda give you an attitude, like,

"Yeah, that password's not strong enough.

That password's very weak."

You're like, "I don't care. Just use it."

"Nah, I don't accept that password. Pick another one."

So, you put in a password. They're like,

"Yeah, that password's too easy to guess."

That's 'cause you just saw me type it in.

"Eh, pick another one.

Yeah, you already used that password. Pick another one."

I get writer's block when it comes to passwords.

"Pick another one." I-I think I'm out.

I already used my birthday. I don't have any more.

The criteria for passwords is ridiculous.

"Now, your password must have a capital letter, a number,

a character, a rabbit's foot, something your mom wore at her wedding."

Sometimes, they offer a password. That's kind of humiliating.

"Hey, dummy, you want us to just give you a password?"

Doesn't that defeat the whole point?

"Well, we won't tell anyone.

"You can trust us. We're a faceless algorithm

"created by a multinational corporation.

We won't share your password."

Wh-Why-- Are you winking?

"No, no, no, I just got some dust in my AI."

I've let them pick my password. You ever do that?

Their password just looks like they let a cat walk on a keyboard.

Well, I coulda come up with that.

"Yeah, but you didn't, did you, dummy?"

Well, I-I'm never gonna be able to remember that.

"Well, we'll remember it for you, dumbass!

You just let us know when you need it."

- W-Well, can I have it now? - "No!

We don't know, you might be a robot."

Wait, aren't you a robot?

"Yeah, but you don't know that. You're so dumb."

You ever forget your password,

and they make you take that quiz with the photos?

"Hey, idiot! You see a stoplight in any of these photos?!"

For a second, you're like, w-wait, what's a stoplight again?

I always overthink it, and I'm like,

well, that pole could be connected to a stoplight.

Is there partial credit?

I usually just guess, but when I get it right, I'm like,

I'm good at the stoplight game.

Made it to the next level. Now, I'm allowed to check my own email.

They're so condescending to us.

"You accept these cookies?"

Cookies?

You know someone was like,

"Just tell the idiots they're cookies."

And we're like, "Cookies? I like cookies.

"I'm gonna accept all the cookies.

Can I accept milk with the cookies?"

They present it like it's a gift.

"Do you accept these cookies?"

"Well, gosh, I don't wanna be rude."

"The polite thing is to accept the cookies

and let us track your internet activity."

"As long as I get them cookies."

We're so accepting of all of it.

You ever been in a conversation with someone

where you're talking about a vacation destination,

and then, the next time you're online, you start seeing ads

- for that destination? - Yeah.

And instead of being outraged that your privacy was obviously invaded,

you just book the trip.

"Looks like we're going to Mexico!"

I'm convinced technology's making us delusional.

The way everyone talks about going to Mars now, it's like,

"We're going to Mars!

We're going to Mars! I can't wait to go to Mars!"

I don't think they were talking about you.

Why do you think you're going to Mars? You haven't been to Minnesota.

They weren't inviting us.

I'm pretty sure they were just bragging.

Jeff Bezos did take his brother to outer space.

I have three brothers,

and I don't even wanna buy them dinner.

I appreciate the optimism, but are we going to Mars?

We put a man on the moon 54 years ago.

And you know how many times we put a man on the moon after that?

Zero. You know why?

'Cause we never put a man on the moon.

I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know, maybe we put a man on the moon.

I don't know. Maybe we're going to Mars. Honestly,

I-I don't know how a microwave works.

Like, if someone put a gun to my head, and they're like, "Explain the microwave!"

I'd be like, "Ah!

"A light turns on. It rotates.

"When the bell rings, your hot dog's done.

Is that close?"

There is so much I don't know.

Most of the time, I don't even feel like an adult.

I still don't feel comfortable buying shoes in a store.

Shoes are the only clothing

we let an absolute stranger put on us.

You'd never go up to a salesperson,

"Will you put these pants on me?

Wh-Where are you going?"

Yet, when we buy shoes, we become helpless.

We just sit down and we're like,

"You do it.

My mommy's not here, so you have to do it."

And we know nothing about these people putting shoes on our feet.

There's no background check.

All we know is they like to work with stranger's feet.

Everything they say is kinda creepy.

"How do they feel?"

"Excuse me?"

"Are they tight?"

"I-I beg your pardon?"

"Is that your big toe?"

"How dare you."

"Why don't you walk around the store,

show me how cute you look in that outfit?"

"Well, since you asked nicely."

I've decided

I'm gonna stop acting like I understand things I know nothing about.

Like the stock market. When they talk about the stock market in the news like,

"The stock market today, rah rah rah rah rah rah!"

I normally go, "Oh, that's interesting."

On the inside, I'm like, "Duh!

Stock market, duh..."

The saddest part of that, in college,

I majored in finance.

I did. I really did.

Four years, 80,000 dollars!

I'm so glad this is what I do for a living.

But, I tell you, the pandemic... the pandemic did reveal

how important your occupation is to society.

And let's just say stand-up comedian,

not essential.

Not even sential.

They opened up strip clubs before they let us tell a joke.

"Stay over there, funny people. Ladies, welcome back."

It didn't surprise me! There isn't a time in history

when I think I would've been useful.

Even in an initial civilization.

"We need someone to gather water, someone to build housing.

Jim, how could you help?"

"Uh, I can make fun of those people."

It's weird. I work in the entertainment industry,

and I understand there's a commonly held belief

that people that work in show business are narcissists,

that are grossly overpaid for unimportant jobs, but, believe me,

it's amazing.

It is a sweet gig.

Of course, there are some people in the entertainment industry

that have unique skills that are properly compensated.

I'm talking about once-in-a-generation talents, right?

You know, someone like Pat Sajak.

Former host of Wheel of Fortune.

Was there anything Pat Sajak couldn't do?

Think about this. He was the host of Wheel of Fortune...

He was like a Renaissance man.

I'm sure Pat Sajak's a good guy.

And I love Wheel of Fortune, and I'm not even 80.

I love Wheel of Fortune.

So when he announced his retirement, I was kinda bummed, you know?

And he seems like a good guy, so he probably gathered everyone

from the Wheel of Fortune family together, and he was like,

"I've been doing this for a couple decades,

and I've decided to retire."

I wish I was there 'cause if I was there, I woulda been like,

"You know this isn't a real job, right?

"You don't get to retire from playing Hangman.

"The appropriate thing to do is to apologize

and give back all the money."

'Cause Pat Sajak had a good gig. You know how much he made a year?

$17 million a year.

Yeah, that could buy a couple vowels.

17 mill-- And he didn't even turn the letters!

That was probably part of the negotiation. He's like, "I can't do everything!"

So, they got Vanna White.

He made 17 million. Vanna made 3 million.

I think we'd all agree, they both should make...

nothing.

When he announced his retirement, were the producers like,

"Oh, no!

"This is awful. Where are we gonna find someone to say,

'It's your turn to spin the wheel'?"

The good news, there is good news,

Pat Sajak is continuing on as a consultant on the show.

I-I don't know what consulting work...

there is on the Wheel of Fortune.

"Uh, any new letters come out today?"

"No, Pat. Still the same 26 letters."

"Alright, well, I-I'll be in my office."

I love doing stand-up comedy.

Occasionally, I'll be hired for an acting job.

And sometimes, the directors of these projects will say to me like,

"Jim, I think I'd like to see you clean-shaven." And I'd be like,

"I don't think you do."

I always do it, but after I shave my beard,

I am so disgusted with my appearance.

I walk around feeling like I should apologize.

Sorry. Sorry about this.

Oh, you're eating. Sorry.

And it's not just me. It's shocking to everyone who knows me with a beard.

And they don't hold back. They're like, "Ew, gross! Where's your beard?"

And those are just my children.

'Cause a beard is really the poor man's facelift.

Every compliment a man receives on his beard is backhanded.

"I like your face with a beard."

"Oh, so it's better covered in hair.

Thanks." I feel sorry for women.

Some women can't grow a beard.

You know?

What you must understand is every man who has a beard

needs that beard.

Every man who has a beard at one point looked in the mirror,

bare-faced, and was like,

"I gotta hide this."

Think of all the significant historical figures

who had beards probably 'cause they were insecure.

Abraham Lincoln.

Karl Marx.

Gandalf.

They all had beards.

Jesus! Jesus had a beard.

Jesus was probably walking on water,

looked down, saw his reflection, was like,

"Jesus!

"I gotta grow a beard.

I'm not gonna get any followers looking like this."

By the way, this is how Jesus walked.

When Jesus walked on water, did he act like it was difficult?

Was he like, "Oh...

"Can you believe it?

"I'm walking on water!

Take out your phone! Get this!"

Or did he walk with, like, an attitude like,

"Yeah, that's right, bitches. Look at this."

"Yass, king of kings!"

Of course, that was-- Walking on water was one of Jesus' miracles,

but you know someone there probably just thought

it was a magic trick. Someone came out,

"Hey, I saw your, uh, walking on water show.

"Pretty cool. I book children's birthday parties.

We could make a killing." And Jesus was like,

"It wasn't a magic trick. I'm the Son of God."

"Interesting stage name.

Anyway, here's my card. My name's Judas."

All that's in the Bible, everyone.

It's in the Bible.

There is some wild stuff in the Bible, right? Like early on,

God asked Abraham to sacrifice his only son.

God asked Abraham to kill his only son.

And Abraham, like most fathers, said,

"Alright, I'll do it."

In his defense, we don't know what Abraham was doing right before God asked him.

Maybe Abraham was going through bills and was like,

"Wh-who spent 500 shekels on Nintendo?"

And then right at that moment, God was like,

"Abraham, I want you to sacrifice your only son."

Abraham's like, "Gladly!

Can it be a strangle sacrifice?"

God was communicating with Abraham from Heaven.

I don't know if he was yelling down.

Did anyone overhear the conversation? Like,

was there anyone up there in Heaven? Was Jesus up in Heaven? Was God like,

"Abraham, I want you to sacrifice your only son!" And Jesus was like,

"Dad, what the hell are you doing?!"

God was like, "Uh, we've been through this before.

"Just mind your own business.

"Pay no attention to that bearded hippie!

Abraham, I'd like you to sacrifice your only son." Jesus was like,

"Dad, you can't ask Abraham

to sacrifice his only son!" And God was like,

"Uh, that gives me an idea.

"Jesus, I'd like you to go down to Earth,

and, uh, tell the humans I'm your dad."

And Jesus is like, "If I go down there, if I tell the humans you're my dad,

they might get angry. They might hurt me."

And God's like, "No...

Why would they do that? They seem so nice down there."

Jesus is like, "Alright, if I go down there and they start to hurt me,

you'll stop 'em." And God's like, "Yeah, definitely. Probably, maybe.

Yeah..."

Abraham was rewarded for his loyalty, right?

He got to live to the age of 175.

He died when he was 175, which is cool.

But, those last 90 years...

Yikes, right?

Do you think when they were first writing down the Bible, anyone was like,

"Wait, do we really wanna put 175?

"I mean, we want people to read this, right?

"Why don't we just put 75?

"You know, that's a good run. I could see it.

"Mediterranean diet. That could happen.

You know?"

175. If you met someone today, and they're like,

"My grandpa lived to 175," you'd be like,

"You're mentally ill."

Could you imagine if you lived to 175?

You're like, "Yeah, I retired at 60.

"Had no idea I had another 115 years to go.

How much pickleball am I supposed to play?"

Like, geez.

Thank you. Thank you.

That was Abraham's reward. He got to live to 175.

He also is a founding figure of not just one religion,

but three religions, right?

Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, which is amazing.

You know what's even more amazing?

Those three religions, best buddies.

They get along great, no problems.

Does Abraham feel any responsibility?

Does he ever look down from Heaven, like, "Yikes!

I-I didn't do that..."

God used to be so much more involved.

God was so hands-on. Talking to Abraham,

floods, plagues.

Now, He's just like, "You know what?

"Just put Jesus' face on a piece of toast.

"I just can't even, you know?

No, if they're not gonna listen, I'm not gonna try!"

I guess the point I'm trying to make is I'm a Christian.

And the reason I say that is to make you feel uncomfortable.

'Cause when non-Christians hear me say I'm a Christian,

they think, "Oh, no."

And when Christians hear me say I'm a Christian,

they think, "Oh, no."

So, it's a way to bring the crowd together.

Thank you so much for coming out, by the way.

I do appreciate it.

Yeah. Thank you.

Um...

I'm so grateful that I can travel around

doing stand-up comedy, but I do need you to know

that my life at home is horrible.

I have five children. It's like hell.

My life at home is actually the opposite of this experience.

Like, when I came out, you guys greeted me with applause.

At home, I'm not even acknowledged.

And I'm not suggesting parents should be greeted with applause.

That's not enough.

I think parents should receive a standing ovation.

There should be an announcer.

"Please welcome, the only reason you're alive."

Right?

'Cause,

parenting is an impossible task!

It's too hard! The expectations are too high.

In baseball, if I have a .300 average,

if I get a hit three times outta 10, I'm good.

Yet, if I hit my kid once...

I'm bad at it?

Children, children are the only thing

we remove from the human body,

and then keep.

You know?

You never hear someone say,

"That's my appendix. That's my son.

Neither of 'em work."

I do believe parents, we deserve this pain.

We deserve the pain. The audacity, the audacity to think

you're equipped to be a parent.

And we just arrogantly jump into this responsibility.

We're just like, "Yeah, yeah, I lose my phone once a day.

"I could take care of a baby.

"Can you call my baby?

Call my baby!"

Now, I'm aware not everyone here is a parent.

You know, you have a child, you become a parent.

You never have a child, you just remain happy.

Not everyone wants to be a parent.

Some choose to not have children, and I respect that. I do.

But, I don't think those people should be considered adults.

How are they different from giant toddlers?

What stress is keeping them awake at night?

"Where am I gonna go for brunch?"

If you're over the age of 30, and the biggest problem in your life

is your Wi-Fi connection,

you're not an adult.

If you've never been out, discovered a stain, and privately prayed

that it was chocolate...

you're not an adult.

If you haven't bragged to your spouse or partner

that you haven't had time to shower for three days,

you're not an adult.

And you might be a redneck.

There's no comparison.

One has a rich, fulfilling life,

and the other is a parent.

There should be a whole other classification.

Oh, you're over 30, no kids?

You're a junior adult. How was brunch?

By the way, can we admit brunch was just the rationalization

of some alcoholic?

Someone's like, "You can't drink alcohol at breakfast."

"It's not breakfast.

It's brunch."

"What?"

"It's breakfast. It's lunch. It's...

Happy birthday!"

Everything about brunch is ridiculous.

You obviously slept through breakfast.

And now, you're demanding French toast at 1:00 p.m.

while you get loaded on mimosas.

Tell me the mimosa wasn't the brainchild of a drunk?

"Do you have fresh-squeezed orange juice?

"You do? Pour in some champagne.

"We'll call it a m...

...mosa."

Mimosa even sounds like that unreliable coworker.

"Mimosa, where's the quarterly report?"

"I'm working on it!

"Who wants to go get linner?

"It's lunch. It's dinner.

It's... happy birthday!"

I'm sensitive to the fact some people physically can't have children,

but there is adoption.

And we learn from an early age through movies like Annie and Oliver

that there are children out there that need parents,

and many of those kids can sing and dance.

So, have a heart. Support the arts, people.

I certainly don't care if someone has kids.

I think it's weird some of the pressure we put on people.

Some of the things we say, like people go,

"Well, who's gonna take care of you in your old age?

Who's gonna take care of you in your old age?" And I'm like,

"Well, not my children."

Let me understand the logic here. My kids,

who've done nothing but bleed me dry...

are suddenly gonna wake up and take care of me?

That feels like a gamble.

By the way, I'm not worried about my kids putting me in an old folks home.

They're not that resourceful.

"I gotta fill out forms? Just stick him in the garage."

If you don't have kids,

here's a story which embodies the joy of parenting.

I have five children, so I try to do one-on-one time with each of them.

That way, I know I've met them all.

Last February, I took my then 10-year-old son for a walk.

We walked our dog, and before we left, I said,

"Hey, it's pretty cold out there. You might wanna grab a coat." He's like,

"I'm not wearing a coat! That's stupid! You can't make me!"

I was like, "Fine, you don't have to wear a coat."

So we went for the walk and as we turned to walk back,

he looked at me and asked,

"Dad, can I have your coat?"

And I didn't hesitate, right?

Because being a parent is like being a psychic

who's constantly correct, but always ignored.

Right?

All day, every day, parents are like,

"Let me look into my crystal ball.

Ooh, it's pretty cold out there. You might wanna grab a coat."

"You're fat."

"Oh, if you stay up late, you may be tired in the morning."

"You're bald."

"Ooh, I foresee economic hardship

when I kick you out of this house."

It's not their fault. Children don't understand consequences.

Parents understand consequences.

They're called children.

Children are walking, talking consequences.

That's why every parent occasionally looks at their kid and thinks,

"I know I shouldn't have gotten wasted that night."

It is wild how different the childhood my kids are having from the one I had.

Like, I remember when I was 10 years old,

my mom used to send me on errands. I remember one time,

she sent me to the grocery store with very specific instructions.

I walked a mile and a half to the grocery store,

and I did what I was told.

I went right up to the cashier, handed her $10 and said,

"My mom sent me here to buy a carton of cigarettes.

Merit Ultra Lights."

The cashier looked at me and asked, "How old are you?"

And I said, "I'm 10 years old."

She said, "You're a good boy."

She complimented me,

gave me the cigarettes and my change,

and I walked home, smoking the entire way.

We used to send children on errands alone.

But now, after 25 years of

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit,

we don't feel safe having them open a refrigerator.

I used to like the independence, you know?

I mean, I was definitely scared here and there.

I was mostly afraid of grown-ups.

Grown-ups were just these evil giants

that somehow all knew each other.

"I know your father."

"How?"

"I held you as a baby."

"Why?"

My friends growing up were afraid of my dad. You know?

My, my childhood best friend, to this day, is still afraid of my dad.

My dad's been dead for 30 years.

My kids, their friends, they view me as an Uber driver.

And they've requested a silent ride.

"Can we turn down the music, Jim?"

I'll kill you.

I mean...

I know your parents.

I'll kill them, too.

Parenting is about sacrifice, right?

Some big, some small.

Do you know how many horrible kids' movies I've seen?

In the theater?

I've voluntarily driven, purchased multiple tickets,

and sat through absolute garbage.

Objectively bad movies.

Like, I didn't need to read a review. I didn't need to watch a trailer.

Nobody asks themselves like, "I wonder if The Smurfs is a good film."

It's not!

They tried to warn us by calling it The Smurfs!

I have five children. I've been going to horrible kids' movies

for 15 years.

A decade and a half of torture.

And the hardest part, the self-censorship.

'Cause after you sit through a movie like Trolls

or My Pretty Pony,

if you're a normal adult, you need to turn to someone and go,

"Well, that was horseshit."

You know? But you can't say that to an 8-year-old!

So, you just ask, "Hey, what'd you think?

Yeah, I hope they make another one, too!"

And they do. They make five more.

And you sit through each of them, just thinking about alcohol.

My father, my father would've never sat through a horrible kids' movie.

On the rare occasion my dad took us to a movie,

we were never consulted!

We didn't know what movie we were gonna see.

He didn't know what movie we were gonna see!

It was understood that when we got to the theater,

he was gonna pick a movie, buy tickets,

and we were gonna walk in immediately.

Didn't matter when the movie started,

that was the beginning of the movie for us.

We'd walk into the dark theater, sit down,

watch the last third of a movie...

the lights would turn on, people would leave,

we'd just sit there trying to figure out what the hell we just saw.

We might ask each other like, "How do you think the movie starts?"

Then a new crowd would come in. The lights would turn off.

The movie would start. We'd watch to a certain point.

Then, my dad would just stand up and leave.

And we'd follow him out.

That's how we saw movies as a family!

And I kinda miss it.

Often, it felt like we were just helping my dad establish an alibi.

"I couldn't have killed that drifter. I was at the movies with my kids."

I do wish we could've seen The Sound of Music

as a family with my father.

You know, just halfway through The Sound of Music,

my father stands up, starts to leave,

followed by his six blonde children.

Everyone in the theater's like, "Wow, that family didn't like it

when Captain von Trapp tore up that Nazi flag at all."

That joke was even funnier when everyone hated Nazis.

Right?

I know I complain a lot about my kids,

but they've ruined my life.

I love them, but they treat me horribly!

And people without kids are always like, "I'd never let my kids treat me horribly."

Oh yeah, you would.

You know what the alternative is? Jail.

So you let them treat you horribly, and you just think about alcohol.

I was thinking if I told a therapist how my kids treat me,

but I didn't say they were my children, if I was like,

"Yeah, I live with these five people. They eat all my food.

"They spend all my money, and when I ask them to do anything,

they just yell at me."

Any therapist, any therapist would be like,

"You should move out.

You're the victim of abuse."

I love them, and I know they love me. I mean,

even though when my 18-year-old son does say, "I love you,"

it does sound like he's auditioning

for an acting part he really doesn't want.

"Love you, Dad."

"Okay, that was a good start. Let's try it again.

"Uh, this time, I wanna hear some more affection,

maybe sense a relationship."

"Love you, Dad."

"Alright, well, we'll let you know. Thanks for coming in."

Alright...

Parenting is hard, and it gets progressively harder.

That's what they don't tell you when you have a baby.

I guess it would be inappropriate.

"Congratulations. It's gonna get really hard."

So, as a new parent, you have to figure it out on your own.

And a baby, a newborn, they're so fragile, they're so dependent.

You help them burp. The new parent thinks,

"Oh, this must be the hard part. This is the hard part."

Not the hard part.

Then the child becomes a toddler. It's chaos.

They're screaming in grocery stores.

You're literally stopping them from accidentally killing themselves.

The parent thinks, "Oh, this is the hard part. This is the hard part."

Not the hard part.

Then, the child becomes a teenager, and the parents are like,

"Oh, this whole thing was a mistake.

We shouldn't have done this."

Parenting is the only thing you can do for 13 years,

13 years, and then suddenly,

you're really bad at it.

It's God's cruelest joke

'cause you know he's sitting up there, just watching.

He's like...

"They think they're pretty good at the parenting thing, huh?

"Watch this.

Cue the hormones!"

This reminds me of when Jesus was a teenager.

You know, he used to vape.

Anyone here have a teenager?

Ooh...

I love that forced enthusiasm.

The best is when empty nesters talk about the teenage years

'cause they always sound like they're describing a hurricane.

"My wife and I thought we were prepared. We lost everything."

That's why hurricanes are named after teenagers.

Teenagers do make you realize parenting's a skill,

but it's mostly luck, right?

'Cause there are easy teenagers, and there are difficult teenagers.

And if you have an easy teenager,

that doesn't mean you're good at parenting.

It just means God didn't think you could handle a hard one.

Parenting teenagers has made me a better comedian.

No, that's-- that's not it.

A bitter comedian!

I know that sounds negative,

but it is almost sad when a kid becomes a teenager, right?

'Cause you have this cute 12-year-old, and then boom,

they become Satan.

You can literally witness the curiosity and wonder

transform into body odor and poor judgment.

And then, you, the parent, you're supposed to learn

how to communicate with them!

My wife emails me articles, "How to talk to your teenager."

I'm like, "Delete."

She's always like,

"How do you expect to communicate with our teenagers?"

I'm gonna try English.

They do hear things differently. Like, if I tell my 14-year-old daughter,

"Hurry up, we're running late," she hears,

"I'm gonna kill you."

But then, we talk it through and come to an agreement

that I'm a horrible person.

And then, I go drink alcohol.

Do you ever notice in commercials for alcohol,

people are always laughing and having a good time?

I'd just like to see one print ad that shows some expressionless dad

sitting alone at a kitchen table

with a bottle of booze.

The tagline would be like,

"Bourbon, 'cause you're trapped and suicide's off the table."

Is that too negative? That's too negative.

There are teenagers in the audience like,

"Why the hell am I here?

I had no idea this guy was such a colossal dick."

We should acknowledge being a teenager today

is the hardest it's been in generations.

What these teenagers have to deal with, it's insane.

Right?

Social media, the prevalence of drugs,

pornography's everywhere. I guess what I'm saying

is I wish I was a teenager.

I had to walk a mile and a half for cigarettes.

I think the greatest irony of teenagers

is that they're embarrassed of their parents.

It's like, "Oh, you're embarrassed of me?

Have you looked in the mirror?"

Each of my teenagers has come up to me at different points and been like,

"Hey, can you act like you don't know me?"

We can make that permanent.

It's amazing how consistent

the theme of embarrassment is throughout parenting, right?

'Cause when your kids are little,

they're constantly embarrassing you, right?

Some of the things they say or scream, they're like,

"Why is that guy so fat?

"Is that woman a witch?

Jews! Jews!"

"It's juice!

"Juice!

Please say juice."

That actually happened to me.

I was in a Whole Foods in New York City...

...and my two blonde children were screaming for Jews.

They were demanding Jews in a way that would lead you to believe

they've been delivered Jews before.

"Jews, Jews." "Juice! Juice!

"For the love of Jesus, please say juice.

"They love juice.

"Not Jews. I mean, they love Jews, too!

"They get that from me. I'm a Jew lover.

Love me some Jews."

Your kids consistently embarrass you.

And then one day, out of nowhere,

you're the biggest source of humiliation in their life!

They don't tell you when that happens, and there are strict rules

that you only learn about when you break them.

I was at dinner recently, and my 14-year-old daughter was like,

"And then, Dad walked into the high school."

My wife was like, "Honey, you didn't go into the school, did you?"

"But, but... i-it was cold out.

Wh-What planet are we on?"

We have three teenagers

plus a 12-year-old plus an 11-year-old.

Forecast, not great.

Definitely hurricane season.

And I freely admit my wife has it harder, much harder,

but this whole thing is kind of her fault.

These children didn't come outta my body.

In a way, they're not even my kids.

Now, I don't wanna sound like a conspiracy theorist,

but that whole sperm fertilizing the egg thing?

I've never seen that in person.

I've seen a simulation of it.

You know, how you might stage a landing on the moon?

Men should be suspicious.

Women discover they're gonna become a parent.

Men are told.

Men find out they're gonna be a father the same way they learn

they have a terminal illness.

Someone comes up and goes, "You should sit down."

And men have a similar response. "How much time do I got?"

Of course, with paternity tests,

now we can scientifically prove who the father is,

but for most of human existence,

the guy just had to believe what he was told.

"I'm pregnant. You're the father."

"I haven't been home for two years."

"It's a miracle."

Occasionally, you'll hear about a paternity test.

You never hear about a maternity test though.

How do we really know who the mother is?

"Uh, the child came out of my body."

Well then, you shouldn't be afraid to take a test.

Okay, Jim, that's the dumbest joke of the night.

That one?

Obviously, paternity tests exist because some men are garbage.

And I tell you, as the father of five,

when I hear about these men that abandon their children,

I am so filled with jealousy.

There's no excuse. There's no excuse.

But, nothing prepares a man for parenthood.

Like, a woman goes through a whole physiological change.

Not only growing the baby, but there's morning sickness,

a nesting instinct takes over.

For a guy during the entire pregnancy, they feel the same,

worthless.

Which, in a way, prepares them for fatherhood.

Right?

I think fathers are generally under-appreciated.

Who would agree with me, right?

Listen to these divorced dads! Right?

Obviously, the mom is the hero of the story, right?

When someone becomes famous, they buy their mom a house.

They don't even invite the dad to live there.

Often, it's easier to understand a mother's contribution.

I see it in my family. My children see, on a daily basis,

what my wife does for them.

Yet, when I travel the country,

eating steak and complaining about my kids...

...do I get credit? I sure don't.

Being a dad is like being a backup quarterback in the NFL.

You're on the team, but you're not the star.

And on those rare occasions you're brought into the game,

people are nervous, you know?

Oh, thank you.

It's amazing how the status of father has changed in our society.

You know, in the 1950s, there was a television show

called Father Knows Best.

Father Knows Best.

And they-- and they weren't being ironic. They weren't like,

"Wouldn't it be hysterical if a dad knew anything?"

They were sincere 'cause at that time,

the prevailing belief

was that a father did know best.

Not only would they never do that show today,

if you gave someone the prompt, "Father knows,"

no one would say, "best."

If you're like, "Father knows..."

"Uh, how to make an old fashioned? I don't know."

Even if you went up to a dad, you're like, "Father knows..."

"Uh, when to say-- I d-- I don't know, ask my wife.

"What the hell do you want me to say? I'm not yelling! You're yelling!

You want an old fashioned? Alright, I'll make you an old fashioned."

I'm lucky. My wife,

my starting quarterback, is amazing.

Uh, we've been married for 20 years. Can you believe that? Twenty years.

Twenty years.

And, uh, we have a great marriage, from what you know.

'Cause you never really know what's going on in someone else's marriage, right?

You might think you do, but you--

when you hear about a divorce, you're always surprised.

Sometimes, you realize it was all an act, right?

Like, there, there should be awards.

"The nominees for best performance in an unhappy marriage are..."

"Oh, she was good. She was very good.

I had no idea she despised him."

No, my wife is amazing,

or her performance is amazing.

No, my wife-- And she does everything.

And she's done that since the start of our marriage.

She planned our whole wedding. She's very Catholic,

so she picked out every reading in, in the whole service.

And I remember watching my brother-in-law read 1 Corinthians.

If you don't know, that's the, "Love is patient.

Love is kind. Love is...."

That's how it sounded to me.

But, I remember it so vividly because it ends with,

"Love doesn't keep a record."

And I tell you, after 20 years of marriage,

my wife has done one thing.

Keep a record...

of every mistake I've ever made.

She has receipts going back to our first date.

She brings up stuff before we even met.

"I remember seeing you in the neighborhood. You looked so arrogant."

She remembers everything!

I can't tell you what happened a half hour ago.

It's not fair.

I'll be like, "Hey, I thought we agreed." "What did I say exactly?"

"You win."

Her memory is so good. I'm convinced she heard

a different 1 Corinthians.

"Love does keep a record. Love is slightly annoyed.

"Love doesn't appreciate you coming back from being out of town

and second-guessing decisions I've made. It undermines me. Amen."

She's pretty amazing. I have no complaints.

Well, if there was one complaint...

Not a complaint, an observation.

My wife's not a fan of our dog.

Well, she's indifferent to our dog. But, you know, to a dog lover,

people that are indifferent to dogs seem like sociopaths.

It's like, "You don't love dogs? Who hurt you?"

There's no excuse to not love dogs!

I mean, my wife's allergic. That's one excuse.

But our dog is so sweet and will not leave my wife alone.

Whenever my wife enters the room, the dog climbs all over her, sneezing.

And as my wife pushes the dog away,

so that she can breathe, there's always part of me that thinks,

"Hey, don't be mean to my dog."

Now, you may be wondering, "If your wife's allergic,

"why do you even have a dog?

Did you get the dog, and then discover your wife's allergic?"

No.

I've known my wife's allergic for 20 years,

and I never expected us to get a dog.

I never did. I mean, we live in an apartment in New York City.

We have five children. I travel constantly.

We're not getting a dog.

But then, the pandemic happened,

and all the reasons to not get a dog seemed to disappear.

We rented a house in the suburbs with a big yard.

I stopped traveling.

My wife's allergies didn't change.

Mainly, my kids started begging for a dog.

"Can we get a dog? Can we get a dog?" It was like on a daily basis.

So, I told my wife, I'm like, "Let me handle this."

So, I called a family meeting, and I stood next to my wife,

and I said, "Once and for all,

"your mother is allergic to dogs.

When she's around dogs, she feels physically ill."

And my youngest, he's so sweet. He was like,

"Can't Mom just get a shot in her stomach?"

He reminds me of myself.

So, I turned to my wife, and I was like,

"Can't you just get a shot in your stomach?"

She was like, "What the hell are you doing?" I was like,

"I don't know why you're mad at me. He's the one who asked."

She didn't think it was funny.

And I could see that we weren't getting anywhere,

so I proposed a compromise.

I was like, "What if we fostered a dog?

"The dog would only live with us until a permanent home was found, or...

my wife died."

She really didn't think that was funny and left the room.

But, the next day, outta nowhere, she was like,

"Alright, fine, we can foster a dog, but we're not keeping it."

And I was like, "We're not keeping it."

So I went and I got this dog, and I brought it home.

And the most incredible thing happened.

Not only did my children fall in love with this dog,

but slowly, over time,

and being occasionally exposed to the dog,

my wife's allergies...

didn't change.

But, she witnessed how much my children loved the dog.

So, she decided we could keep the dog.

She made that sacrifice for my family, and it made me realize

I don't get enough credit.

I don't bring this up a lot, but I think I'm allergic to children.

And we got five of those. You know, we only got one dog,

and it's not a competition, but I win.

After we had the dog for like a month, my wife was feeling sluggish.

We thought she had COVID. She kept testing negative.

So, she, she went to the doctor, and they took a blood test,

and they discovered she had contracted Lyme disease.

Which is something you get from a tick,

which is something that dogs foster.

She told me this over the phone, and I was like,

"Oh, she's gonna kill me.

She is. She's gonna kill me, and she has every right to kill me."

And I just braced myself as she drove home.

But, when she got in the house,

she very calmly walked up to me, and she goes,

"Well I have Lyme disease because of that dog.

What do you have to say for yourself?"

And I said the only thing I could say, I was like,

"Well, you're the one who wanted the dog."

And she said...

She said, "Don't gaslight me." And I was like,

"I've never heard that term before."

She was like, "You've never heard of gaslighting?"

And I was like, "I don't think anyone on this planet

has heard of gaslighting. You might be going crazy."

Now, I'm sensing some tension in the room.

What you have to understand

is that the Lyme disease is gone. She's fine.

And by the way, also, my wife is the strongest person I've ever met.

Those five children, she gave birth to each of those children

in our apartment. No drugs.

She had Lyme disease. It's gone. She's fine.

Before that, she had a brain tumor. It's gone. She's fine.

And I asked her at one point, I go,

"What's been the biggest challenge you've encountered?"

And she said, "Being married to you."

And I have to tell you,

I take pride in that.

Alright, you guys have been a delight. Thank you very much.

♪ My friends all call me Casper ♪

♪ 'Cause I ghost them all the time ♪

♪ My skin's like alabaster ♪

♪ 'Cause the sun don't ever shine on me ♪

♪ Wanna be, I wanna be lonely ♪

♪ Wanna be, I wanna be, yeah ♪

♪ My friends all call me Casper ♪

♪ 'Cause they know I'm dead inside ♪

♪ Yeah, I've got a few screws loose ♪

♪ Out here makin' lemonade when everyone is sippin' orange juice ♪

-♪ I've never played my cards right ♪ -♪ No ♪

-♪ Yeah, I laid them on the table ♪ -♪ Freeze ♪

♪ Kept the aces up my sleeve ♪

♪ Tell you that you're wrong when you're really right, really right ♪

♪ You could start a fire from this gaslight ♪

♪ Holding on to lovers like a parasite, catch you in my headlights ♪

♪ Oops, it's a drive by ♪

♪ I don't know which way to go ♪

♪ So, I don't go anywhere ♪

♪ I kinda like my messed up life ♪

♪ So, why should I really care? ♪

♪ My friends all call me Casper... ♪

That's Mom and Dad.