Original subtitles

Since 1970,

the federal witness protection program

has relocated thousands of witnesses some criminal some not

to neighborhoods all across the country.

Everyone of those individuals shares a unique attribute

distinguishing them from the rest of the general population.

And that is...Somebody wants them dead.

...you think about me

when you're having sex with men in prison.

...Furthermore, your status as a protected witness

is contingent on your testifying

against your former boss.

Impressive, Sergei.

Call me serge.

Okay...serge.

So you're liking what you see, yes?

Mm.

You're a real steaming pile.

What this is a "steaming pile"?

Poop.

Doody.

Moving on, all contact

with friends, family, business associates

or any other persons from the witness' past will cease

pursuant to signing this agreement.

Is okay. I make new friends.

Swell. Do you have any questions?

Just one.

What we should name our first baby?

Thinks he's got a shot with me.

You have no shot.

In fact, Joe Stalin's rotting corpse

has a better chance of getting into her

Than you do.

Aw, you can be so sweet sometimes.

Her words say nyet, but her eyes say maybe not nyet.

She would use you like a swizzle stick.

Sign. Swizzle stick.

Biscuit, you dumb bear, what are you doing in here?

I almost had a heart attack.

Brandi, let's go!

I'm coming!

Aw, crud.

I swear, if you miss your flight...

I know. I know. One of us dies.

You could at least pretend not to be so happy

about me leaving.

Yeah. If you'd been ready an hour ago

like you were supposed to be,

you'd get to see me pretending. Fair enough.

Mom, we're leaving! Come say good-bye!

She said good-bye two hours ago.

Had some thing she had to go to.

What's mom have at 8:00 in the morning?

Wouldn't tell me.

I swear, she gets squirrelier every day.

Sure you don't want to take her with you?

Nah ha ha.

The forecast,

plenty of sunshine through today with seasonal...

I think everything's gonna be okay

for me that is.

Oh, yeah? How come?

I don't know.

I just feel like I'm coming into a really good place.

Yeah?

You feel like you're putting out positive energy

and the universe is starting to send it back your way?

Yeah, exactly.

Mom made you watch the secret with her, didn't she?

She didn't make me do anything.

It was her going away gift for me.

Oh, god.

It's not a gift. Okay. That's a curse.

Especially for you.

Brandi, the universe isn't a genie's lamp.

You can't just rub it and make a wish,

and poof, a bag of money appears,

or your cancer goes away,

or the neighbor's yappy dog gets hit by a car.

It doesn't work that way.

There is no magic.

We're not the architects of our own lives.

We're monkeys strapped to a rocket.

And the only way to exert any influence

over its trajectory

is by working really, really hard.

Oh, god. Why do I even bother?

You know what, squish, forget I said anything.

Go ahead. Wish, ask, receive.

Do whatever the hell works for you.

I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut.

What? Nothing.

What? Tell me why you're smiling.

I'm smiling because I just asked the universe

to make you stop talking.

Thanks for putting me up.

And for the plane ticket. No problem.

You know I didn't buy it

because I wanted to get rid of you, right?

Yeah. Sort of.

'Cause you don't have to go back to Chuck

if you don't want to.

Mm. He's my boyfriend.

I know.

But I don't want you going back

because you think he's your only option.

I know. It's just we've got history.

History's history.

You need to think about the future.

Brandi, you deserve to be with someone

who makes you happy.

Yeah. You too.

I'm happy...Enough.

Right.

Listen, uh,

I know Raph screwed up and so does he.

But you have to admit it wasn't completely his fault.

I know.

And he's a really good guy.

And I just don't think

that you're gonna do any better than that.

Yeah.

You're probably right.

Thanks for the advice.

You're welcome.

And thanks for the ride.

And for everything.

Sure.

Hey, safe trip, okay?

The white zone

is for immediate loading

and unloading of passengers only.

No parking.

The white zone

is for immediate loading

and unloading of passengers only.

No parking.

Tasha's so excited

for me to meet her new boyfriend.

It's really sweet.

Oh, god, I hope we didn't miss him.

I don't know why I'm always late with her.

Habitual lateness most often manifests

in people with control issues. Oh, god.

By arriving late for scheduled appointments,

you caused the person with whom the appointment was made

to wait for you, thereby controlling

his or her behavior.

Classic passive-aggressive pathology.

When did you ever know me

to be passive about anything?

Pull over.

I believe your point

could've been made

without the reckless endangerment.

Look.

Looks like you got here in time to meet the boyfriend,

unless that's how they greet

the mailman in Kiev.

Jesus, Tasha.

Relax, prudence.

Don't you remember that feeling

when the relationship's new

and you can't keep your hands off each other?

Yeah, but-- contrary to your pseudo-psychoanalysis,

I don't need to be in control all the time.

I think it's great she's out there.

Living her life on her own terms.

Enjoying herself.

For god sakes.

Maybe you have a problem with a young woman

exploring her sexuality.

But I, for one, am thrilled she found-- serge.

Should've seen that comin'.

You are late. Again.

It was Marshall's fault. Sorry.

My boyfriend leave.

He have things to do before he goes to work.

I'm sorry. I really wanted to meet him.

Where does he work?

Gadget town. Gadget town.

Sometimes things just come to me.

Anyway, he is electronical genius.

Already in only two month, he is associate junior manager.

And are you ready to hear best part?

I think I am.

He's Russian. He is Russian.

I am dialed in today.

Maybe you should hang up.

Can you believe I find great Russian boyfriend

here in Albuquerque?

Does seem odds-defying.

Mm-hmm. Tasha, have you told him

anything about-- no.

I don't tell anyone anything about past.

I follow rules. I swear.

Yeah, okay. We believe you.

So where did you two meet?

Shut up.

Dating services. Is crazy, I know.

It is kinda.

I mean, what do you know about this guy?

And what's with the outfit?

Are you working at this place? Yes.

Serge, he help me get job there.

I just start last week.

You shouldn't have left the job I got for you, Tasha,

without talking to me first.

I hate keeping books.

It's terrible, boring job.

I'm making three times more money working half the hours.

Yeah, I know. It seems fine in the short term.

No. Long term.

I make enough in a week to get 6% money market account.

6%? Mm-hmm.

Look at the way they make you dress.

I know.

You thinking it just trashy sport bar.

But it major chain.

It listed on nasdaq with over 150 franchise nationwide.

And I get full medical, dental, even 401k

with matching contributions.

So you see, thanks to you helping me get new breasts,

I become everything you wish for me to be.

You must be so proud.

We have a serious problem.

Come on.

You got Stan.

Hey, Stan, Marshall and I

need two emergency relocation authorizations.

For who? For who? What happened?

My sweet, innocent Russian

is dating his con artist Russian.

That's what happened.

Pretty sure the ship has sailed on sweet and innocent, Stan.

Yeah, thanks to his witness.

How did that happen?

We don't know.

We're looking into it.

Anyway, can you post a security detail

to keep an eye on Tasha

while we go rattle serge's cage,

see what he's up to?

So they don't know they've been relocated?

No, we wanted to find out what they know

before we let them know what we know,

you know, just in case they don't know anything.

Uh-huh. Smart.

All right, I'll post the security detail.

Start the paperwork.

Great. Thanks.

All right, bye-bye.

And why is it you assume my witness is up to something?

How do you know little Daisy d-cup

isn't up to something?

'Cause my witness was the unlucky bookkeeper

who testified against Russian criminals.

Your witness is a piece of crap conman

who w a Russian criminal.

The operative word being "was."

And as you'll soon see, has been working very hard

to establish a new life.

Yeah. I know. I know.

He already junior apprentice assistant manager trainee.

Of course it's not gonna sound impressive

when you say it like that.

Hello.

Hey, babe. It's me.

Oh, hey, Chuck.

Good news.

We're on the launch pad and ready to blast off.

Okay. Well, what do you want me to do?

You're gonna meet with a guy named Russell.

He's spanky's brother.

We're in business with a guy named spanky?

Don't laugh. He's gonna make us rich.

And whatever you do, don't make fun of his name.

He's a scary guy.

Oh, great. Well, thanks for hooking me up with him.

I'm really looking forward to getting hacked

into little pieces.

Relax. Everything's gonna be fine.

All you gotta do is wait for Russell to show up.

Give him a taste.

If he likes it, which he will,

spanky will show up with the cash

for the rest.

You give him the suitcase, he gives you the dough.

And we're all set. Cool?

No. Not cool, Chuck. I'm scared.

Baby, do you think I'd let you do this

if I thought it was dangerous?

I don't know.

Of course I wouldn't.

Spanky's a business man.

You be cool, he'll be cool.

Now just focus on this.

After today, you're gonna be rich.

You're gonna be here.

And we're gonna be together.

Okay. Thatagirl.

It's gonna be fine. You'll see.

Bye.

So what you think of, uh, what I did with place?

It's very-- how'd you afford all this?

That's what I think.

But my girlfriend,

she show me how to use my employee discount.

Plus zero percent finance.

Then after a year, I sell everything on eBay

and actually make profit.

Then I do it all over again.

She very smart girl.

Really.

Yeah, you should come to store.

I say you're my cousin, uh, get you family discount.

You suggesting he defraud the store?

Of course not. Just take advantage.

How'd you meet... Your girlfriend?

Dating service.

Unbelievable, right?

Hey, you should try some time. Whatever.

And for making matters even better,

she's also Russian.

Well, Ukrainian, actually.

But, uh, close enough for politburo work, right?

Where are the wires?

It's all running off

wireless distribution center in closet.

I install myself.

You want, I do for you.

Take, uh, 20 minutes.

I'm very handy.

No, I'm good.

Suit yourself.

Excuse me. I have to get something from oven.

Probably a puppy.

You're just mad

because their stories match up perfectly.

Just a minute.

You don't suppose...

Oh, but I do.

Ha ha.

Whoa.

Of course.

You do my laundry.

It's, uh, even Stevens.

Hey, come, come. I want you to meet my friends.

Hey, where they are?

I don't know.

Hello, friends! Where you are?

Do you suppose there's any way out of this?

It's not lookin' good.

Weird for us to take a shower, right?

For so many reasons.

Hello.

Is everybody in there?

Maybe she'll play it cool, not let on that she knows us.

Maybe.

Okay.

Well, let's go.

Mary, Marshall, what you doing here?

So much for cool.

Wait, you know them?

Yes. They are my friends.

I meet them on way into town.

That's funny.

They're also my friends.

I also meet on my way into town.

Here it comes.

You witness.

Oho ho. Ah!

Well, at least if they're doing this,

they're not talking.

Thank you, Mary.

This is best surprise ever.

I can't tell you what relief this is.

No more lying. No hiding.

We can tell everything now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Nobody's telling anybody anything, okay?

Serge, go sit on the couch.

Tasha, wait for me outside.

Why? What is wrong?

Just go. Both of you.

What's funny?

I was just thinking...

Schopenhauer would have loved you.

I gotta call Stan.

Classic.

Stan, listen,

the universe just imploded.

Okay, now you're just doing it for attention.

So which of them compromised their identity first?

Well, in a way, neither.

What, they just simultaneously blurted out

the fact that they're in witness protection?

Actually, we kind of revealed it ourselves.

You two compromised the identities

of federally protected witnesses?

Not on purpose.

Yeah, it was totally unintentional.

Well, as long as it was a boo-boo.

It's not like the situation comes up a lot.

Look, we just need a ruling.

Do they have to be relocated or not?

What? Course they have to be relocated.

He's a felon.

Witnesses can't hang out with felons.

Using that logic, she'd have to be kicked out of the program

for violating the terms of the m.O.U.

Interesting argument.

So at this point, do either of them know anything

about the other's past?

Not as far as we know. I'm betting yes.

Far as we know? Betting?

Not exactly what I'd call precise analytical terms.

Yeah, yeah, that's--

more compelling arguments.

That's great.

All right, why don't you both take

your respective witnesses,

find out what they know, how they know it, so on,

so forth, and maybe we can come to some semblance

of an informed decision.

Why do you say? Yea. Okay. Fine.

He ripped off old women.

She dresses immodestly.

Chief, yeah, it's Stan.

How are you?

So here's one I bet you haven't heard before.

Two witnesses accidentally start dating each other.

No. Yeah. There's no punch line.

This is actually happening, sir, yeah.

We do nothing wrong. Why we are being separated?

Well, even though you didn't intentionally

break any rules, we still have a situation

that violates WITSEC doctrine.

I understand nothing of what you just say.

Okay, sorry. I'll start over.

Hey, come here. Sit down.

Listen to me.

You need to understand

this is a potentially very dangerous situation, okay?

Now think.

Did you ever let slip even the smallest detail

about your past?

Of course not.

I stick to story. Always.

What about him?

Has he asked you about your past?

Yes.

It suspicious of new boyfriend to ask about past?

Of course I don't tell her anything.

You know, first thing I think when we meet

is is this Russian girl here to kill me?

What made you decide she wasn't?

Eh, actually, I decide,

she's so beautiful, sweet, sexy,

if she came to kill me, it totally worth it.

Aw.

Have to believe me. We did nothing wrong.

I do. I believe you did nothing wrong.

But you think serge did.

No. I don't know. Maybe.

Who knows.

Was serge criminal?

Tasha, I can't tell you anything

about a witness' past.

Please...

Mary, you can't separate us.

If it were just up to me,

it wouldn't be a problem.

But WITSEC has rules.

And the rules exist to keep you safe.

And how safe I will be when I die of broken heart?

Not very safe, I suppose.

Just sit here and try to relax, okay?

Nobody's made any decisions about anything yet.

Well, sir,

I'm just saying I prefer someone other than myself,

someone higher up the food chain,

make this decision.

Yes. Yes. They both still have testimony pending.

Uh, no, I-I don't think I'm calling to cover my ass.

All right.

Uh, call you back.

You have to separate them, Stan.

There's no other choice.

Well, I'm still...

Evaluating the evidence.

I'll make my decision when I have all the facts.

What?

In my mind, here's the concern.

Let's say one of you

decides to break up with the other one.

Holy crap, these graphics are amazing.

Tasha's breaking up with me?

Did she tell you this?

No, no. I'm just saying pretend, okay?

So now the other person, the one who got dumped,

is very angry.

And if he or she knows about the other one's past,

he or she might be tempted to get in touch

with people from that person's past

to tell them where he or she--

that is, the person who dumped him or her--lives.

Where?

All right.

Let me start over.

Okay. Everyone.

I made decision.

Here it is.

I leave program before I leave serge.

You see how-- how she love me?

Tasha, think about what you're saying.

I have.

You want my testimony, we stay together.

Me too.

Well, in that case,

I've made my decision.

How can you let them stay together, Stan?

He conned grieving parents out of their life savings.

Do not judge witnesses on their past, Mary.

And now he's conning the two of you.

Why can't you accept the possibility that he's changed?

Check that. Conning the three of you.

I expect it from Tasha. She's an innocent.

Innocent?

Yeah. Two of you are trained professionals.

The day she got here,

the first words out of her mouth were...

As far as WITSEC is concerned,

their lives start the day they enter the program.

"When I can get boob job?"

I'd hardly call that...

What is that?

You scanned serge's computer?

What the hell do you think you're doing?

My job. Keeping my witness safe.

By violating my witness' privacy?

Since when is snooping

on my witness' boyfriend verboten?

Since he's my witness.

Totally irrelevant to me.

For all we know,

he could be trying to sell her location.

They met at a dating service.

You really think he dated his way

through the entire Albuquerque singles scene

looking for a witness to expose?

No, but given his stellar character,

I think this is a crime of opportunity

in the making.

Now what?

Can I not leave the two of you alone

for one minute?

Now why do you suppose

someone with nothing to hide

would have everything on their computer encrypted?

That proves nothing.

Lots of people encrypt their files--i do.

Yeah, because you're paranoid.

Stan, I'm sending this drive to I.T.

I work with you. Clearly it's a good policy.

And you're not sending that drive anywhere.

Yeah, I am. No, you're not.

Do not touch my computer.

Get off of that.

Do not touch my-- give me that.

Hey, hey! God, would you just stop it?

God! It's like having a couple 5-year-olds!

Just calm down.

Mary, you have no right snooping

on his witness.

Give him--give him the hard drive. Stan.

Do it now or go home.

I'm--I'm sick of this.

What?

Great.

You crossed the line and got what you deserved.

Whatever it costs to fix this thing

is comin' out of your pocket.

Be a bad idea for you to say anything right now.

Please don't be Russell. Please don't be Russell.

Brandi.

Uh, you must be Russell.

Want one?

I'll pass. Thanks.

Why?

Afraid of being roofied?

Never opened.

No. Just watching my carbs.

You don't have to worry about that.

You're tiny.

I want to put you in my pocket.

I love your hair.

It's so shiny.

How do you get it so shiny?

Shampoo.

So when are you going to call your guy?

He calls us.

Just relax.

We've got some "e" for later.

Rachel gives great massages.

Uh...can--can I use your bathroom?

Of course.

And take some soaps if you want.

They always bring more.

Wow. Classy.

What am I doing here?

Okay, Debbie.

I just need a few details.

Okay.

What exactly are you looking for?

Gosh. I don't know.

Um, I'm really into eastern Europeans.

Interesting. We don't get many calls for those.

You mean, like, from Japan.

No. No.

Uh, that would be Asia.

Uh, Romania,

Poland, Hungary...

How about Russia?

Yeah. Russia.

I think I have someone for you.

Great. Let me get his profile.

Thanks.

Okay.

Hey, this doesn't give email.

I'm sorry. This is for business use only.

Oh, sorry.

Um, so you found someone for me? Yes.

His name is serge.

What do you think?

Wow. He's cute.

How come he's not already snatched up?

Well, I have to be honest, he's something of a player.

In fact, he goes through women like water.

But none of my clients have complained,

so he must be doing something right.

Mm. Sounds fun. Can't wait to meet him.

Mary.

Something is wrong?

No, I just wanted to stop by

and talk about the whole serge situation.

What situation?

Your boss say we can be together.

Yeah, you can.

But shou you be together?

You've been through a lot, you know?

New country, new identity.

I'm sure you've been really lonely.

But being lonely is not a good reason

to make bad choices.

I just don't want you to think

serge is your only option.

I don't want to talk about this.

I made decision.

Tasha.

Tasha.

I got this from the dating service.

This is when he started seeing you, right?

These are the four women

he's gone out with since you.

I don't understand.

The last one was four days ago.

Mary?

Hey, it's so good to see you again.

You bastard. How you can do this?

What--what--what this is?

It's from dating service.

You cheat on me with these whores.

Where you get this?

What difference does it make?

I never want to see you again.

You said you love me.

I do! That was problem.

I love you so much,

could not stand to lie to you about my past.

It was torture to me, you know.

These other girls they--they are nothing

compared to you.

I did not mind not telling them truth.

But now--now everything is okay, huh?

Now we tell each other truth.

This is true?

No. No, no. Of course it's not true, Tasha.

He's spewing crap.

Oh, serge.

I am so sorry

I accuse you.

Please, can you forgive me?

Oh, my god.

Meddling in other people's lives

sure takes it out of you.

Really does.

You win by the way.

I'm leaving serge and Tasha alone.

Why is that?

Because some people can't be saved

no matter how hard you try.

I don't know.

Maybe she just needs to make this mistake

to learn and grow or something.

Maybe.

I just hope it doesn't get her killed.

Why aren't you gloating more?

What's that?

A list of websites.

Gary in I.T. Managed to decrypt enough of the information

off of the USB drive

to lead us to a secured payment website.

It appears serge is running some kind

of Internet business.

Unfortunately, they process payments

for roughly 4,000 sites.

You sent the drive to I.T.

I didn't have anything better to do.

I love you like an $8 whore.

I'm sure you mean that in a good way.

Want half?

Hey.

We were just talking about you.

Oh great.

Come in.

We missed you so much.

Yeah. I-I missed you too.

You're early.

Spanky won't be here for another hour.

I just wanted to bring over the sample, you know,

for spanky to taste.

That is so sweet of you.

Oh. Oh.

You should come with us.

We're going to Mexico.

It's gonna be super fun.

We're going to one of those couples resorts.

Yeah, you should come with.

Uh, sure. That sounds awesome.

Can I use your bathroom? Mine's broken.

No problem.

Mi potty es su potty.

Hey, little baby.

Hey, I brought you something.

This is biscuit.

And he's really special to me.

My sister, Mary, gave him to me when I was five

to protect me from all the monsters

that were under my bed.

And he's really good at his job.

So...

If you just take good care of him,

he'll take really good care of you, okay?

Bye, biscuit.

I love you.

I gotta go now.

If your parents ever give you any advice...

You should do the opposite, okay?

Swiffermuseum.com.

Why? How? Why?

How about knittingwholsesale.Com?

Maybe he's trying to lure old women

into the lurid world of cross-stitching.

Cowsareevil.com.

Undeniable.

Overstockpradaleather.com.

Wait, what was that last one?

Kidding.

Bastard.

Hello.

What?

Sexyserge.com.

Jackpot.

Do I want to see this?

Don't be such a prude. Go to it.

I may be ill.

Puke later. We gotta go.

It went to voicemail again.

Damn it. Why won't she pick up?

Do you answer the phone during sex?

Depends on what's on TV.

That's it. Mary?

I'm calling your superiors! Mary, what you are doing?

Wait.

That's private property. Shut up.

Why are you doing this?

Wait. What is this?

You're showing us making love?

He uses a web cam.

And those other women on the Internet?

It's his business.

He makes money showing you having sex.

Tasha! You filthy, disgusting pig!

Let's go, stinkweed.

All right, it's okay.

It's all right. It's all right.

My baby! My baby!

Okay, let's go.

How can someone say those things?

"I love you."

And make you believe?

How is possible?

How can anyone ever trust anyone with their heart?

I don't know.

I wish I did.

Hey.

Come in.

What happens now?

Well, after he's booked--

to me.

I don't care about serge.

You'll be relocated.

You'll have a new name,

new marshal.

You'll start over.

I stare agape on Sunday at the park couples

sidewalk strollers fingers laced,

heads on shoulders hearts laid bare.

Audacious high wire artists soaring endless.

Oblivious or brave.

Arrogant idiots I muse from my spectator view.

Hoping no one hears the screaming inside my head.

Mary. Mary.

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