Original subtitles

-[ Blowing raspberries ]

[ Chuckles and blows raspberry ]

[ Instrumental "O Christmas Tree" plays ]

♪♪

-Hey, Shelly.

I got this thing you sent me.

It's pretty good.

It tastes like cinnamon or almonds.

One of the five.

[ Crunches ]

So, what you doing over there?

Standing around with your butt between your legs?

Shelly's in Los Angeles.

City of Angels.

That's far away.

Dad says it's a shithole.

[ John Driskell Hopkins & The Joe Gransden Big Band's "Jolly Old Saint Nicholas" plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ Jolly old Saint Nicholas ♪

♪ Lean your ear this way ♪

♪ Don't you tell a single soul ♪

♪ What I'm going to say ♪

-I'd love to, but I'm running late.

-♪ Christmas Eve is coming soon ♪

♪ Now, you dear old man ♪

-Come on.

-♪ Whisper what you'll bring to me ♪

-You're strong, beautiful goddesses.

This is effortless. Remember to breathe.

-♪ When I'm fast asleep ♪

♪ Down the chimney broad and black ♪

♪ With your pack you'll creep ♪ -You look different.

-Oh, girl, I got my eyelids Botoxed.

-I knew it. You look so good. -Thank you.

I no longer have peripheral vision.

-Give your cat a natural diet

like it would have in the wild. [ Chuckles ]

Give your cat a natural diet.

Give your cat a natural diet

like it would have in the wild.

Try our all-beef perfect bl-- perfect blend.

Give your cat a natural diet like it would have in the wild.

Try our all-beef "purrfect" blend.

-That was honestly beautiful.

-You really think a cat could take down a cow in the wild?

-We'll let you know. -Hey.

Did I see you the other night at the Comedy Factory

doing, like, improv skits?

-Yeah, that was me.

-You're really funny.

You should think about doing that for a living.

-Thanks.

I'll consider that.

♪♪

-Can I get an Impossible Whopper with, uh,

no cheese and no mayo?

Sorry. My window doesn't work.

♪♪

Hey, guys. Welcome to the show.

We are Rock, Paper, Laughter.

Happy holidays.

-What ever happened to Merry Christmas,

you harlot?

-Oh, it-- it's still a thing, sir.

This is just a way for us to...

You know what? Never mind.

Who's heard of improv?

[ Microphone feedback screeches ]

Fantastic.

-♪ Becky wants a picture book ♪

♪ Yellow, blue, and red ♪

♪ Now I think I'll leave to you ♪

♪ What you give the rest ♪

♪ Choose for me, dear Santa Claus ♪

♪ You will know ♪

♪ The best ♪

-Oh, my God. It's been a hell of a day.

I've got one for the board, though.

-Let me hear it. -Okay. It's a good one.

"Elaine, 45, beaten down by life.

Not attractive, but not ugly, just plain.

She is quick to anger,

definitely not athletic.

-That is so perfect for you.

-Oh, my God. Thank you. -Mm-hmm.

-Oh, God, I hate auditioning.

I just want to do live shows, you know?

Well, how was yours?

-Well, I got bumped... -Ugh,

-...uh, for a guy who dresses up like a hot dog

and then does a hot three minutes

about whether a hot dog is a sandwich or not.

-What? -Oh, and then Mr. Corduroy

with the husky from Tinder.

We were supposed to meet tonight.

Of course he ghosted. -So you just stayed home

watching murder shows? -Obviously.

I cannot wait to get out of this town

and see my folks and just...

Shit, hon. I'm sorry.

-Dude, just 'cause my family sucks

doesn't mean you can't enjoy yours.

I was actually thinking about it today,

and I realized that the one and only thing

that we can all agree on

is that Toto is the best band of all time.

-Weren't they, like, one-hit wonders?

-What? No. -[ Laughs ]

Sorry.

I've -- I've obviously offended you.

-Mm. It's okay. -You know, we're turning

into the craziest kind of roommates, right?

-Oh, my God. Are you kidding me?

In just a few short years,

we'll be firmly in "Golden Girls" territory,

and then all I gotta worry about is nights out at the Lions Club

and dating widowers.

-Dude, I would murder to bang a widower right now.

-[ Laughs ] Gross.

Well, there are young widowers.

-That's true. -But you want an old one.

-I want an old one, like, brittle

and, like, easily influenced.

[ Both laugh ]

I cut the crusts off his sandwich.

-[ Laughing ] Gross.

[ Instrumental "O Christmas Tree" plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Ugh.

Fuck. -Hey, Shell!

We never seem to be on the same schedule these days.

I miss my sis.

Miss da sista. [ Laughs ]

Anyway, look, I know it's been a few years

since you came home for Christmas and everything,

and so I figured you're probably not planning

on coming this year either, but...

-Here we go. Manipulation in three, two...

-Well, Dad had a fall, and he's not doing good.

I really need your help.

Anyways, the real reason I'm calling

is 'cause I finished my screenplay

and it's already in your inbox.

It's seriously so good.

Oh, and I'm super into thinking about my brand right now.

Would you describe me as

"The Crow" meets "Legally Blonde"?

-What about Dad? You want to get back to that?

-Things here are crazy.

We also need to talk about Mark.

Who's gonna take care of him?

So either come home for a visit or call me.

Also, most importantly, don't forget to read my screenplay.

-Fuck.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

♪♪

-♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what a time to have some fun riding on the sleigh ♪

-Welcome to Atlanta, where the local time is 9:17 a.m.

Thank you for flying with us. -♪ Dancing down a snowy path ♪

♪ And singing all the way ♪

♪ The snow's coming down ♪

♪ It brightens the spirit with fun being had all around ♪

♪ The sparkling sound of bells when you hear it brings joy ♪

-Five. -♪ Oh, jingle bells ♪

-Five more sleeps until Christmas.

-♪ Come along, we'll have some fun ♪

♪ Riding on a sleigh ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun, oh, what fun, oh, what fun ♪

♪ On Christmas Day ♪

[ Cellphone vibrating ]

♪ Oh, what fun we'll have Christmas Day ♪

-[ Mutters indistinctly ]

[ Cellphone beeps ] Yes, Phil?

-Michelle!

Did I just see you on Rodeo Drive?

-No, Phil, I'm in Atlanta right now.

-The Peach State. I love it.

Hey, do you have, like, a reel of funny characters?

-That's, like, the only thing I have.

-Great, because, uh, "SNL" is looking

for a new cast member in a hurry.

They are desperate and they're looking for women.

And, you know, both those things --

very much in your favor.

-"Saturday Night Live"? Holy shit.

-I don't know if they're looking for, like, fat funny

or like, you know, skinny sexy funny.

But, hey, either way,

great time to be a woman in comedy. [ Laughs ]

-Okay, uh...cool.

-So, um, things will move pretty fast.

Uh, we have to stay in constant communication.

Get me that reel of you doing funny characters.

All right? And -- And please,

very funny. -You got it.

Oh, oh, wait, one more thing, Phil.

Uh... [ Cellphone beeps ]

Uh, that's my sister, but it's fine.

I'll just call her back. -Uh, call me back after.

I promise I'll pick up. -Are you sure, Phil?

'Cause for a guy whose job it is to answer the phone,

like, you never do that.

-No, that's not true. Look, I'll prove it.

I will pick up immediately. It won't even ring.

-Okay, thanks.

This couldn't wait?

I'm like a block away from the house.

Is everything okay with Dad? -Oh, yeah.

He's just stockpiling canned goods in his shed.

-How exactly is he doing that if he's hurt from his fall?

-Oh, I'd say his injuries are mostly psychological.

-Andrea, you told me that he wasn't doing well at all.

-I meant mentally.

-Oh, my God! I'm gonna kill you.

Okay. What was so urgent

that you had to blow up my phone while I'm driving?

-So I have this great idea for a new screenplay.

Imagine, like, a really gritty reboot of "Garfield."

Like...what's he willing to do for that lasagna?

[ Cellphone beeps ]

-[ Screams ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Line ringing ]

-Hey, it's Phil. You know what to do.

-Fuck!

[ Engine starts ]

-♪ First Noel, the... ♪

[ Brakes squeak ]

♪ Poor shepherds in fields as they lay ♪

-Fuck. [ Sighs ]

-♪ In fields where they ♪

♪ On a cold winter's night ♪

-She's a fucking screenwriter now?

W-Who even knows about Garfield and fucking lasagna?

-[ Squealing ] -Oh, "I hate Mondays."

What the fuck? Jesus Christ.

-Oh, my God. -♪ Noel, Noel ♪

[ Engine shuts off ]

-The star returns!

-Would you just help me with my bags?

-The ones in the back or the ones under your eyes?

[ Laughs ]

Seriously, though, did you not get any sleep

on the plane or what?

-Please, just cool it.

-Somebody's in a good mood.

-Just help me with my stuff, okay?

-Okay. [ Laughs ]

-[ Sighs ]

-Service with a smile.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

♪♪

It's good to see you.

-Yeah, it's good to see you, too.

-[ Chuckles ]

Oh, did you read my screenplay?

-You sent it to me yesterday.

-I know, but I thought you might have read it

on the plane since you obviously didn't get any sleep.

-What the hell are you back for?

-Oh. Hi, Larry.

-Good to see you, Larry.

-Oh, is it good to see Larry?

I don't even like to see Larry.

Ol' Larry, who farted too hard in the fourth grade

and everybody called him "Shit Pants Larry"

till he was 25 years old.

What are you dirty punks up to?

-You're my age, Larry.

Why do you gotta act like such an old man?

-For some of us, time exists!

All right? I age.

Gracefully. Naturally.

Unlike you Hollywood pedophiles.

-We went to kindergarten together.

-Eh. -Don't antagonize him.

-Just stating the facts.

-Before we go in, we should talk.

I need you to help me to convince Dad to sell this place.

-Why would I do that?

-So we can use the money, you know,

to set him up someplace with more support.

And Mark. I don't know.

-What are you talking about?

-Dad can't take care of this place anymore.

He can't take care of himself or Mark.

We're gonna have to figure something out.

-Okay. I'm just gonna stop you right there

because you've lost a little bit of credibility here.

So I'm gonna go in and assess the situation for myself.

-Okay.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-I mean, it's not that bad.

-Are you kidding?

-Just needs a little bit of straightening up.

-Oh, my God.

Okay, whatever.

[ Techno music plays ]

♪♪

-Oh, oh. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

-Hey! What the...?

Shelly! -Hey, bud!

-I've missed you so much. -I know. Me too.

-Why'd you turn off my food?

-You can't put tinfoil in the microwave, man.

-I always do.

-I can see that. -Mm-hmm.

-Where's Dad? -He's in the shed.

Stacking water. -So he's okay?

-He's gotten really into the whole doomsday thing.

[ Alarm blaring ] -Uh-oh.

-Oh, shit.

-Survival drill!

Time to lock down our shit!

-It's the end of the world!

Aaaaah!

-Get all of the INCH bags! All of the INCH bags!

-Hey, Dad.

-Oh. Hi -- Hi, honey.

[ Alarm continues blaring ]

Good. You're -- You're here. Help me with this.

-Uh, with what, exactly?

-Come on. Come on!

-Dad, Andrea said you had a bad fall.

-I tripped. A tiny bruise.

Ugh, she's like a one-woman episode of "This is Us."

-You're okay? Like, really?

-With environmental destruction,

return to fascism, overpopulation,

society's being pushed to the brink.

It's only a matter of time

before we break down into bands of roving warlords.

-So you're okay? -Nobody's okay.

-What a heartwarming thought.

[ Alarm continues blaring ]

-Everyone have their radiation pills?

-Wait, so this is a nuclear-attack scenario,

and your number-one concern is camouflaging the shed?

-Do you have your INCH bags? -What the shit is an INCH bag?

-It's an acronym.

It stands for, "I'm Never Coming Home."

-Yeah.

It's kind of like whatever bag you packed

the last time you left.

-[ Chuckles ]

-Wow.

Okay.

-Sick burn, Dad.

-You know what? Give me a break, Mark.

And Dad, chill out.

And for the record, if the world were ending,

this is the last place I'd want to be stuck.

-Same. -Same.

-All I want is for you all to survive.

-The only threat to my survival at this moment

is that I'm considering killing myself

because this conversation is so insane.

-All right. What are you gonna do if there's a fire?

-Put it out.

-I mean specifically in this house,

what steps are you going to take?

-I don't know.

-Right here, there is a lock box,

and it is full of fire-safety equipment.

You have to work like a team,

or we will all burn to death.

There's a fine line between survival

and the coroner sifting through our charred remains.

-The fuck, Dad? -So, Andrea, you are going

to get the keys. -Sweet. I got the easy job.

-Michelle, you open up this bad boy,

and you hand out the equipment.

Mark, you are going to get the fire extinguisher,

and you just spray the shit out of everything.

-Aye aye, Cap'n Butthead!

-The keys are gonna be right in here, got it?

-Got it! -Got it.

-Any questions? -I have a question.

Why does this box need to be locked?

I mean, isn't it wasting valuable seconds in this inferno

we suddenly find ourselves in?

-I need a beer.

-Yeah, me too.

-I don't think casual day drinking

is a good example to set for Mark.

-Hey, stop being so dramatic.

Why don't you just take your stuff up to your old room?

It's an office now. The couch opens up.

-I'm being dramatic?

You just described in great detail

how we're all gonna burn to death.

♪♪

-Hey, it's Phil. You know what to do.

-You see what I'm saying?

-I don't know. Maybe.

Just give me a minute, okay? -You got it.

No talking by me for 60 seconds starting...

now!

[ Cellphone vibrates ]

-Hello? -Hey.

-[ Sighs ] -Oh, shit. What's going on?

-I can't tell if my idiot sister

is blowing things out of proportion

or if there's really a problem.

So I'm staying through Christmas, I guess.

I'm gonna try to figure everything out,

and then I'm flying right back.

-Good, because it is fucking blowing up out here.

I mean, motherfucking "SNL."

-Yeah. Somebody got fired? -Yeah. Apparently

some cast member made a joke about Chinese democracy.

-Shit. -Apparently they want

a new woman right away,

so everyone is going in for it, even me.

-Well, good luck to us both.

May the odds be ever in our favor.

-You are such a nerd.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

♪♪

-There, Shelly. Let me help you.

-Thanks, Marco.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Grunts ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Metal clanging ]

Oh, I can't do this right now.

[ Sighs ]

-It's like this.

♪♪

♪♪

-Did you do this?

♪♪

-Hey, man.

Why are you squeezing me so tight?

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Four more sleeps until Christmas.

-Mark, what the hell?

I'm still sleeping.

-Oops. Sorry.

-No sorry. Just leavey.

-Hey, you want to sing our Christmas song?

-No, Marco. I'm still on LA time.

I want to sleep. Get out!

-Geez.

You don't gotta fart my head off.

[ Mutters ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Oh, good morning, Shel.

-Hey, Dad.

-You know, uh,

I'm really glad you're here.

-Yeah, thanks. Me too.

Look, Dad, how you doing?

Like, really?

-I ever tell you about my friend Michael Buddle?

-Only every time we've ever spoken

for as long as I can remember.

-He was a really good actor.

He was also very smart.

Uh, we met at college.

-Yeah, I know, Dad, but, like,

how was everything around the house and stuff?

-Eventually he dropped out of college

because he wanted to pursue acting full-time.

-Because, you know, if you need help

with anything, you could tell me.

-I told him it was a mistake.

Of course, he didn't make much money from acting.

[ Sputters ] Well, you know how that is.

-That is so gross.

Did Fox News tell you to eat that?

-That's conservative media.

I'm a libertarian.

-What's the goddamn difference?

-I believe in global warming.

I just don't want the government to do anything about it.

-Wow. -So do you want to hear

what happened to Michael Buddle?

-He got sick. -He got sick,

and he didn't have any health insurance.

So you know what happened to him?

-He died. -His heart exploded.

The doctor said if only they had caught it sooner.

-You know, Dad, to me,

that story is more of an indictment

of our broken health care system than anything else,

because I know it is certainly not life advice

from a man who is drinking beer and raw eggs for breakfast.

-All I'm saying is people make choices,

and depending on what those choices are,

they sometimes die.

-Okay. Um...

Maybe some holiday decorations

will increase morale around here.

Do you have any Christmas lights?

-No. Your mom took them when she left.

-I'm gonna get some,

because if this is potentially

our last holiday in the house,

we should do it right.

-What the hell are you talking about?

-Uh, Andrea seems to think

that you need to get rid of this place.

-Yeah, well, Andrea answers the phone

in a Shakespearean accent,

so maybe we shouldn't put so much stock

into what Andrea says.

-Yeah, but -- -This is my home!

I bought it.

I have lived here for 30 years. Mark, too.

We are not gonna leave just because Andrea thinks we should.

-Yeah, I know, but -- -I am not some sick old man!

I still have plenty of fighting years left.

They will take this house from my cold, dead hands.

-Okay, then.

I'm gonna go for a run and pick up some stuff

on the off chance that anybody cares!

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Door opens ]

-Nice! I didn't know you ran.

Runner's high, am I right? -No.

The runner's high is a myth, just like the female orgasm.

-Got it. Oh. Can I have one of those drinks?

-Sure.

-Thank you. -So I talked to Dad.

-Yeah, I-I know he's against it,

but you gotta understand...

Oh. Boy, that is spicy.

-It's a sparkling water.

-It's got some kick.

-Okay, so what do I gotta understand?

-[ Coughs ] Damn, that is spicy as hell.

-Are you done?

-Okay. Yeah. Um...

So there's, like, a financial component, right?

Like, property taxes and whatever else.

And he's behind, so they're gonna take it from him.

And obviously that's not gonna go over well.

So I figure he should just make the decision

on his own and cash in while he can.

-Maybe you could float him a few bucks?

-No!

Especially because I don't think he and Mark

should be alone in this house anymore!

-Okay. God!

Keep it down. Every conversation

doesn't need to be an Oscar-winning moment, okay?

-I don't know what you're talking about.

-But if there's a financial component, I mean, that's that.

It'd suck balls, but there's nothing you can do, I guess.

-We also need to figure out what Mark's gonna do, right?

-Yeah. Look, let's just take it one thing at a time, okay?

And we'll figure it out.

-I love you.

You're a good sister.

-I-I'm gonna go put the groceries away.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Dog barks ] -I'm the dog...

-Hey, Marco, I'm going to get some Christmas lights.

You want to come with me? -Nah.

-You can get your picture taken with Santa.

Wouldn't that be fun?

-Santa's not real.

You sound retarded.

-What?!

Where did you hear that?

[ Television playing indistinctly ]

Well, don't say it anymore. It's a bad word.

-You say "bitch."

-When I say "bitch," it's different.

Like, I'm taking it back. [ Sighs ]

Oh, God. I gotta go back to LA.

-Okay. Okay. I was just kidding.

-Why does everything have to be so impossible?

-Santa's real. Let's go get a picture.

-You just said Santa wasn't real.

-I was just tricking you.

-Okay, you knucklehead. Let's go.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

-♪ Ooh, Merry Christmas, baby ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

-The only way you can get your present this year

is if you say one nice thing about each other.

-Oh. -I love you. You're the best

sister in the world. -Uh-oh. That's a --

-You too! -That's a good one.

You will get your presents, I promise.

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

I'll see you next year.

-Bye. -Goodbye. [ Chuckles heartily ]

Next!

-Oh, here we go.

-Oh, hell no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Ugh! My balls!

[ Strained ] Oh! Okay, big guy.

What do you want for Christmas.

-Tickets to see Toto.

-Aren't they, like, one-hit wonders?

-No. -Okay, well, what about

something more realistic?

-A job.

-A job? -Yeah.

-Okay, I'll see what I can do.

Oh, I got a buddy who runs a Hooters.

-Or!

-Or? -A girlfriend.

-You want a job or a girlfriend?

-Yeah, but not both.

-Well, why not?

-I can't handle that much responsibility.

-You and me both, brother. [ Chuckles ]

-Let's hurry it up, hotshot.

♪♪

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

-♪ Up on the housetop reindeer pause ♪

♪ Out jumps good old Santa Claus ♪

♪ Down through the chimney with lots of toys ♪

♪ All for the little ones, Christmas joys ♪

♪ Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go? ♪

♪ Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn't go? ♪

♪ Up on the housetop click, click, click ♪

♪ Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick ♪

♪ Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick ♪

[ Crickets chirping ]

-[ Scoffs ]

Well, shit!

Come on, you little...

fuckers!

-How's my awesome sister doing?

-Well, I just spent two hours putting these goddamn lights up,

and the cocksuckers don't work.

-Have you tried plugging them in?

-Yeah.

Tell me you have weed.

-Let's go.

-Hey. -Yeah?

-Should we invite Mark?

-Isn't that, like, an ethical minefield?

-He drinks beer. Is it that different?

-Yeah, and you don't think he should drink beer.

-It just seems unfair.

You know, like, it's just another thing

that he misses out on. -Yeah.

-Only in this case, it's not from society or whatever.

It's from his sisters.

The ones that should be looking out for him.

-Oh, my God. Okay!

-Okay?

-Okay.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

♪♪

-There you go.

♪♪

-[ Laughs ]

-[ Coughs ]

-[ Laughing ] Oh! Take it easy, man.

Don't be a hero.

-I have to be a hero.

It's my job.

-Well, definitely beats selling life insurance.

-What is that supposed to mean?

-It means I hate my job.

-Well, having some money has got to take the edge off.

-Your career is cool.

-Do I look rich or famous to you?

-You're both just lucky

that mom didn't come home for Christmas.

[ Laughter ]

-Yeah. Isn't she in the Florida Keys

with her Parrot Head boyfriend?

-Yeah, but she keeps threatening

to come home for a visit. -Ugh.

-She's weird and loud.

-Oh, and when she gets mad.

-Oh, she is the master of ripping people apart.

-She can act so classy,

and then, like, her inner demons come out.

-Ah, you little bastards smoking weed back there?

-Mm, mm, mm,

-I called the DEA!

Yeah, I called them.

I looked them up on the Internet!

-You should turn on the Christmas lights.

-Well, they're fucked, so...

-Did you try plugging them in?

-Oh, my God. Yes, I did.

-I think there's a bad bulb somewhere, and that's why.

-I don't think that's a thing anymore.

-I can guarantee you it is.

-Well, they're brand-new. -Doesn't matter.

-Well, look, I'm not an expert in electrics or whatever,

but I just heard that that wasn't a thing anymore.

That's all I'm saying. -And I can tell you

that wherever you heard that from is wrong.

-O...kay?

-I'm not trying to be a dick, but I promise you that

if there's a burnt-out bulb, the whole strand won't light up.

And that's for sure what's happening here.

-You can't use this one. It doesn't work.

You gotta use this one instead.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

♪♪

-Huh.

-[ Scoffs ]

-You're both wrong, Shelly.

-Thanks. I got it, Mark.

[ Vehicle approaching ]

Who the fuck is that?

♪♪

-[ Whispering ] I knew it! -What?

-Hi. -He's been getting sex workers.

-Prostitutes?

-What do you think? -Oh, my God.

-Although the preferred term is sex worker.

-Merry Christmas. -Merry Christmas.

-[ Gasps ]

-I didn't think they did that.

-Well, some do, some don't.

It's really case by case.

It's tough to generalize.

-How do you know so fucking much about this?

-Can you finally admit that things are fucked around here?

-Shelly. -I mean...

-Shelly! -What?!

-It is tough to generalize, Shelly.

-Okay. Christ!

Is she bringing her own

Christmas stocking into our home?

-He's completely lost it. See?

-Fine. You were right. I was wrong.

-Thank you. -But there is no way

that we can sell the house in the condition that it is now.

So tomorrow is go time.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

[ Cellphone vibrates ]

-Did you get a callback? -Oh, my God. Yes. Did you?

-Yes! Aah! -Holy shit.

What if we're in the cast of "SNL" together?

-You do realize we're competing for the same spot, right?

-Shut up. Don't even put that out there.

-Oh, my God. What was I thinking?

This is absolutely the year that middle-aged women

take over comedy. -I love you.

I gotta put my tape together. -Bye.

-Bye.

[ Keyboard clacking ]

-Three.

Three more sleeps until Christmas.

-You gotta stop coming in here so early, man.

-Maybe you shouldn't stay up so late

smoking the devil's lettuce.

Look at me. I'm Michelle.

I love to smoke weed.

I also do crack and cocaine.

[ Jazz music playing ]

-Hey, Dad?

I was thinking today we could --

Oh, my God.

What is happening?

-What does it look like?

-Yeah, but...why?

-Because taking sexy pics is like planting a tree

or buying a house. [ Camera shutter clicking ]

-What does that even mean?

-Best time to do it -- 10 years ago.

Second best time -- right now.

10:00 a.m. on a Sunday.

-Okay. Uh...

[ Air horn blows ]

[ Air horn blows ]

-What the hell is this? -It's an air horn, Dad.

It's a beacon to millennials everywhere.

-That's my people.

-All right, we gotta get this place cleaned up.

-Why? -So that every day isn't like

living in a frat house full of hoarders.

-We like being frat-house hoarders.

-Okay, well, look, I've got a job for everybody.

Where's Anj? -In her house, where she lives.

-Well, I guess I have a job for you, too, then.

-This is Sharon. And we are busy.

-No, we are not. We can help.

-Hi. I'm Michelle.

-I've heard so much about you. -Oh, for God...

-Can we please not be garbage people for one day?

-We like being garbage people.

It's our destiny.

-Well, but you want a Christmas tree

and presents and stuff, right?

-Yeah.

-Okay, well, there's nowhere to put one right now,

so if you help me clean up,

Dad and I promise we'll get you a Christmas tree.

-Hmm. -Oh, come on, guys.

You know she's right.

-[ Laughs ] Okay. Okay. I'll do it!

-Dad, are you in?

-Well, I'm outnumbered and backed into a corner,

so yeah.

-Mm.

[ Air horn blows ]

-Fuck you!

-♪ Hey ♪

[ Heavy metal music plays ]

♪♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪♪

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ Don we know our gay apparel ♪

♪ Fa la la, la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ Troll the ancient Yuletide carol ♪

♪ Fa la la, la la la, la la la la ♪

♪♪

[ Guitar riff plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪

♪ Fa la la, la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ Troll the ancient Yuletide carol ♪

♪ Fa la la, la la la, la la la la ♪

♪♪

-Is that where that thing's staying?

-Yeah. -It's kind of low.

-Well, you should easily be able to see it

and walk around it.

-It's huge. -Well, if it's so huge,

it should be easy to avoid.

-Okay.

It's fine. No problem.

-Hmm.

-See you soon. -Have a great day.

-Hey, can you give me a lift to the tree place?

I'm not supposed to drive since the DUI.

-[ Scoffs ]

I think "by not supposed to," you mean "prohibited by law."

-Yeah, whatever.

[ Instrumental "Silent Night" plays ]

♪♪

-Dad is, uh...

Is that woman a prostitute?

-Hey, look at this tree here.

-Dad. -Hmm?

-Is that woman a prostitute?

-Who? Sharon?

-Yes, Sharon.

-Oh, I wasn't sure who you were referring to

because you didn't use her name.

-Is Sharon a prostitute?

-Sharon?

I don't know.

I mean, to me, she's, uh,

more of a friend, I suppose.

-Well, do you have sex with her?

-Yeah. -Do you pay her cash?

-Venmo. But sure.

-Okay, well, then I think that you should know

that your definition of a friend

is the exact same as a prostitute.

-She prefers the term sex worker.

-Again with the sex worker.

Look, Dad, I just don't think it's a good influence on Mark.

-He's a grown man. -With developmental delays.

-That is such a bullshit excuse.

-I don't think I need an ironclad excuse

to ask you to not be fucking hookers.

-Hey, come on, man! Sex worker.

-Around my brother with special needs.

-Well, you've suddenly become big on family values.

For someone who stopped coming home

for Christmas for no reason.

-Do you know what you said to me last time I was here?

Quote, "Enough with the comedy thing.

Time to do something real." -I never said that.

-The fuck you didn't! [ Woman gasps ]

-Sorry. She's from Los Angeles.

-So I said, you know what?

I'm not gonna go home until I can prove him wrong.

-Well, you're here. You've done it.

-No, Dad.

I didn't do it.

I do shitty improv gigs for 150 bucks.

I live in a tiny apartment.

You were right.

That's what makes me so fucking mad.

But I'm close.

Like, closer than I've ever been before.

And I just want everybody to be okay

and to have Merry Christmas.

But I'm worried about you guys.

I just don't have space in my life

to take care of you and Mark. I just don't.

-We're fine. Okay?

Michelle, you really gotta get your shit together.

♪♪

Hey, my man!

We want this tree. -That one?

That's a crappiest tree on the lot, but it's all yours.

♪♪

[ Car door slams ]

-Hey, that's the weirdest, most pathetic little tree

I've ever seen in my life!

-Up yours, Larry!

Weird things need a home, too,

you steaming sack of shit.

-Good to see you, Larry.

-Bye! Hope your home is marked by plague.

-♪ It came upon a midnight clear ♪

-Hey, it's Phil. You know what to do.

-[ Sighs heavily ] -Leave a message.

-♪ That glorious song of old ♪

-This place looks so great. -Yeah, I know.

It should be easy to get it listed now.

-Yeah. We just have to get Dad on board.

-Yeah, I'll talk to him again.

I just gotta find the right moment.

-So...

any luck with my screenplay?

-What? Oh, no.

-I'd just love any notes you might have.

-Oh, yeah? -Well, not notes per se,

because it's completely done,

and I'm not open to making any more changes,

but I'd love any positive feedback.

-Yeah, I'll, uh, read it as soon as I get a chance.

What's the genre?

-It's a powerful family drama,

but with as many laughs as a straight-up comedy.

-Cool.

-It's the first part of a trilogy.

-Ambitious.

-Think you might get a chance to read it tonight?

Please? -Oh, no, I-I can't tonight.

I'm gonna -- I'm gonna try to call and meet with my agent.

-I've been meaning to ask you -- what's your agent like?

-I don't know.

I mean, he just basically gets me, like, auditions

for bit parts and shows about cops and doctors.

-Oh, like procedurals and stuff?

-Like, imagine any show that has an action sequence

set to music by the end.

-[ Chuckles ] You can't make a show good

just by adding a song or whatever.

-Totally. It's like, "Oh, no, we don't have

a dramatic climax for the story, so, uh,

let's do some slow-mo music."

-[ Laughs ] It's so dumb!

-Yeah, the industry is totally fucked.

I was watching "Handmaid's Tale,"

and then a commercial for Weight Watchers came on.

-Ew.

Why were you watching with commercials?

-That's just the glamorous life

of being a struggling comedian in Los Angeles, I guess.

-You could always come back to Atlanta

to do shows, you know. -Yeah, right.

-Plus, you know, help out with family stuff.

-Yeah, well, I'm just here to get everybody settled,

and then I'm back to LA.

-Well, we're cheering for you.

-There actually is something...

potentially big, maybe.

-There you go!

And you know what? You're gonna get it.

And you want to know why?

Because you're talented as hell.

-That's really kind.

I'm gonna -- I'm gonna go try to crash out early.

-Okay.

Good night. -Good night.

-Uh, let me know if you get a chance to read my screen...

♪♪

[ Line ringing ]

-[ Sighs ]

-Hey, it's Phil. You know what to do.

Leave a message.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[ Exhales ]

♪♪

[ Exhales ]

♪♪

-Two more sleeps.

-I was just dreaming about a very satisfying romance

with a gingerbread man.

[ Cellphone vibrates ]

I gotta get this. Get out.

Phil? -Michelle, it's Phil.

-Yeah, I know. Did you get my stuff?

-Yeah, and I sent it along,

and I gotta say... they loved you!

-Really? -Yeah!

They wouldn't shut up about you.

They kept going on about how amazing you were.

It was the best audition they've ever seen.

-Well, that's good, right?

-It's fantastic. It's unbelievable.

It's incredible.

But they did ultimately decide to go with, uh,

this TikTok star called, uh, Karen Cassady.

She's in her 30s, bit of a better look.

Uh, I mean, I looked her up,

and she is beautiful and super funny,

so, you know, no shame in losing to Michael Jordan.

Right? But, hey, you know what?

We'll get the next prime-time, uh,

sketch show on network TV.

You know, there's like a million of these things...

[ Sad music plays ]

♪♪

[ Spoon tapping ]

[ Spraying ]

-[ Scoffs ]

You know that's got like a million calories, right?

-I like it!

-Hey, hon,

I ever tell you my story about my friend Michael Buddle?

-Not today.

-Oh! The lady emerged from slumber.

-No!

-I am taking two Xanax and I'm going back to bed.

I will see you all tomorrow.

-It's 11:30 in the morning.

-Good night.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

♪♪

[ Paper ripping ]

-Only one sleep left till Christmas.

-Just gotta give me one morning

where this isn't how I wake up.

-You want to sing our Christmas song?

-No, Mark, I just woke up.

-Oh.

Dad says you can have this -- this thing if you want.

-Oh. -Christmas is finally here!

Santa rules!

-Jesus Christ.

[ Sighs ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

♪♪

[ Television playing indistinctly ]

Hey, bud.

What are we thinking for Christmas dinner?

You know, we should probably make a list

and get to the store before it gets too busy and...

[ Woman moans ]

What is going on?

-What? -This is not okay, Mark.

-[ Sighs ] What the hell's going on?

-This.

This is going on.

-Oh. It's fine.

-Yeah, it's fine.

-In what world is this not a big deal?

-This world. -Mark!

-There is no yelling in this house!

-You are supposed to be setting boundaries for Mark.

This is completely inappropriate.

-And you don't shame him.

He's exploring his sexuality.

-He's watching porn on the family television.

-You do not get to waltz in here and make him feel bad

for doing something that's completely natural.

-Natural? Yeah.

Yeah. Animals watch each other have sex all the time.

I love a good old-fashioned squirrel gangbang, Dad!

-In this house, we are allowed to do anything we want

as long as we're not hurting anyone.

-Yeah, we do what we want. -Okay, great.

Well, you know what I want to do?

This. This is what I want to do.

Don't fucking hurt anybody.

This! See?

I'm not hurting anybody, am I?!

[ Grunting and stomping ]

There you go. System works.

Do whatever you want.

-I want to watch porn.

-Well, you can't.

'Cause the Grinch here destroys

everything that makes us happy.

-Well, maybe the Grinch wouldn't be so mean

if the Who people weren't constantly singing about

what a piece of shit he is!

-That's a really good point.

-I am leaving

while I still have my dignity.

-Hard to believe she's still single.

[ Door slams ]

-Aah! Fucking damn it!

[ Grunts ]

Fuck.

-[ Deep voice ] Ho, ho, ho!

You're gonna wind up on the naughty list, little girl.

-Just...give me a break.

-[ Normal voice ] I brought my stuff so I can spend the night.

Just like old times.

-I'll be in in a minute.

-Oh, how'd that thing with your agent turn out?

-Terrible. -Oh, shit. Sorry.

I guess you won't be in slow motion anytime soon, huh?

[ Laughs ]

[ Deep voice ] I'm in sloooooooooow

motion.

I brought my baaag.

[ Normal voice ] Okay.

[ Deep voice ] See you inside.

[ Normal voice ] See you inside.

[ Door opens ]

Damn. What happened to the cable box?

-Hey, you still using that star decoration,

or can I have it?

Unless it's too broken, 'cause then I don't want it.

-I just want to have a nice Christmas, Larry.

Is that too much to ask?

I don't fucking think so.

So I'm gonna let this fuel me, Larry.

I'm gonna let this power me through

to make a nice fucking dinner

so we can have one happy memory

to stack up against the mountain

of bullshit, Larry.

Do you hear me?

-I didn't hear a single word you said.

Yeah, I lost most of my hearing to, uh, polio.

My parents let me have it.

Can I get the star decoration, though?

Do you mind tossing it over the fence?

I'm really tired from stripping copper piping from the hospital.

Where are you going?

[ "O Come All Ye Faithful" plays ]

-♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪

♪ O come ye, O come ye to Bethlehem ♪

-So obviously no pressure or anything, but...

any chance you've gotten to read my screenplay yet?

-Oh, no, sorry. I haven't gotten to it yet.

-Oh, of course. No worries.

Do you think you'll read it tonight or...?

-Oh, um...

I don't know. Maybe.

-'Cause I'm just super excited for you to read it.

-Yeah, no, I know.

You know, I'd probably be reading it now

if I didn't have to get dinner ready.

-Really? -Yeah, of course.

-Oh, well, then I-I can take care of dinner from here.

-Oh, no, it's too much.

-No, seriously.

I got it from here on out,

if you want to go give it a read.

-Uh, um...

Okay.

-Awesome.

-Uh...

Sounds good.

All right.

Here I go.

-♪ O come let us adore Him ♪

♪ O come ♪ [ Thud ]

-"The Pennyworth Chronicles Volume One."

-[ Sighs ] God help me.

198 pages?

For fuck's sake.

Oh.

-[ British accent ] "It was no normal house

that the Pennyworths had built

atop that hill in the middle of London.

But mind you, the Pennyworths were no normal family.

Love?

Oh, I don't know.

What is love, really,

but a four-letter word for pain?

Ladies and gentlemen,

I present to you the mystery of electromagnetics.

And as the rain pours down on the hull of the spaceship

where they stand, he kisses her gently,

but in a rush, like the waves kiss the beach on a calm day.

Waves that made her vagina tingle.

It was the house. It was always the house.

The secret wasn't in the house.

The secret was the house.

And as the children watched the forest burn

along with their dreams, the flames lighting their faces

like the lamps on an ancient stage,

they knew that the worst of them had the most to lose,

but the best of them would never let go.

And somewhere in between,

they finally answered the question --

What is a Penny truly Worth?"

-[ Sniffles ]

-[ Softly ] "Fin."

-It's the best thing I've ever read.

What the fuck?!

-Done already?

It takes most people four hours

because I rarely use paragraph breaks.

-It's really good. -[ Gasps ]

Well, did you think it was too much

how I turned the twins into cyborgs?

-No, it's perfect.

You broke all the rules and still made something...

amazing.

-I'm so glad you liked it.

And dinner's almost ready.

You look so pretty.

-Oh. Thanks.

I'm gonna go set the table.

[ Techno music playing through headphones ]

You're setting the table?

-Gotta make things look nice for dinner.

Duh.

-Okay, good. I'm gonna go get Dad.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Oh, hey. -Hey.

-Oh, hey, can you lift this up here for me?

-Yeah.

Dinner's ready. -Oh, excellent.

I am going to go ham on some turkey.

[ Chuckles ]

-Hey, Dad, uh...

About earlier...

I'm sorry.

It's not up to me what you do,

what either of you guys do.

It's just...

[sighs] I don't know.

I think I'm just putting my shit onto you,

and I'm not even here anymore.

That's not fair.

I shouldn't be like that.

I guess I just miss you guys, and I'm afraid you and Mark

are gonna devolve into a "Grey Gardens" situation

if I don't do something.

[ Voice breaking ] And I'm afraid I'm wasting my life

and I don't know what to do anymore.

And I just, um...

I don't want to fight with you. I'm sorry.

-Hey, hey, come on.

-[ Sighs ]

-Hey, about -- about this morning with the TV thing,

the -- the porn thing. -You don't have to --

-Oh, no, I'm not gonna apologize.

-Okay.

-I just want to tell you a story.

-All right.

-Yeah. Uh...

When your mom was pregnant with Mark,

um, you girls were still very little,

and...

doctors were just starting to test for the genetic markers

for conditions like what Mark has.

So, uh, we had some routine tests.

Then, uh, we were brought back for some more,

and then we were brought back for even more.

Till finally, uh, this doctor comes in and he goes,

"I'm sorry.

The results are in.

Your baby has a developmental disability.

I'm really sorry."

And I remember he just kept saying he was sorry.

And then...

he told us to prepare to terminate the pregnancy.

-Oh, my God. -Yeah.

Yeah.

It was right then I knew I was not gonna let my son

apologize for his life, ever.

He's not sorry. I'm not sorry.

Nobody needs to be sorry.

There's not a fucking thing to be sorry about.

-What'd you say to the doctor?

-I told him to go back to Nazi Germany

with his final-solution bullshit.

[ Chuckles ]

Then I punched him in the clavicle.

-[ Laughs ] The clavicle? -Yeah. It's a stunt movie.

Oh, it was a beauty. I wish you'd been there.

I am just so goddamn proud of you little fuckers.

The three of you are the best,

the best thing that's ever happened to me.

And with the comedy thing,

I-I know you're not where you want to be.

I am so proud of you.

-Thanks, Dad.

-And, uh, I know you don't want to take my advice.

-That's not true.

No. Yeah, that's totally true.

-Yeah, well, listen.

Do not let anyone control your happiness.

Okay? Once you do, they've got you.

-Okay.

-Okay.

-[ Sniffles ]

You know you gotta sell the house, Dad.

-[ Exhales ]

I know.

I know.

Hey, what do you say we, uh,

we go shotgun some cranberry sauce?

-[ Chuckles ] Okay. -Okay.

[ Door opens ]

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

And so then the guy says, "Doc, how long do I have

to stop masturbating?" And the doctor says,

"Well, at least till I finish the examination."

[ Laughter ]

-[ Wheezes ]

You're not funny.

-Hey, come on.

What do you think Michelle gets her humor from?

Certainly not from your mother.

-What she lacks in humor,

she makes up for with rock-hard fruitcake.

-Oh, oh! Do you remember when Dad dressed up

like an elf for mom?

[ Laughter ] -Oh, no.

That's -- You're misremembering.

-Yeah, we would always have pancakes before presents.

We gotta do that this year.

-You know, when I was cleaning up, uh,

I saw that costume. It's around here somewhere.

-No! -It is.

-Dad! -Mm! Sounds like we're doing

elf pancakes this year. -Yeah, you wish.

-Now, if we could just get it to snow on Christmas

for once, we'd be set.

-Oh, that's not gonna happen.

-Yeah, all we've got is Dad's

dry, dead bushes in the backyard.

-Hey. -Sorry, Dad.

-Why, God, whyyyy?

-Whyyyy, God?

-I'll tell you, if there is a God,

I'm gonna get them to answer

for the total lack of fucking snow, trust me.

-This conversation just took a weird religious turn.

-All right. Weird religious angles

are what the holidays are all about.

-And mindless consumerism. -Mm!

-I think it's all about everybody

and everybody's weakest goals.

-Everybody and their weakest goals?

-Yeah.

-I don't know what that means.

-Oh, okay. Like...all right.

I-I'm trying to get into "RuPaul's Drag Race."

I can't do it. It's just not grabbing me.

-Okay. All right.

So my weakest goal is that my New Year's resolution

is going be to lose two pounds.

-Um, my weakest goal is to finally unpack my bag

from when I flew to Cincinnati last month.

-Now you guys are finally

getting what Christmas is all about.

-I say Christmas is about you kids remembering shit

I told you to do for once in your goddamn lives.

-I changed my mind.

Christmas is all about

singing Christmas songs. -Oh!

-What? I-I've never heard of this before.

-I knew that was coming.

-But we gotta do it tonight.

-I'll go start the fire.

-Oh, no! -Okay.

-If there's one thing this family can agree on,

it's that Toto's "Hold the Line"

is the greatest song of all time.

[ Playing "Hold the Line" ]

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ It's not in the way that you hold me ♪

♪ It's not in the way you say you care ♪

♪ It's not in the way you've been treating my friends ♪

♪ It's not in the way that you'll stay till the end ♪

-♪ It's not in the way that you look ♪

♪ Or the things that you say that you'll do ♪

-♪ Hold the line ♪

♪ Love isn't always on time ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Hold the line ♪

♪ Love isn't always on time ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

-♪ It's not in the words that you told me, girl ♪

♪ It's not in the way you say you're mine ♪

-♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

-♪ It's not in the way that you came back to me ♪

♪ It's not in the way that your love set me free ♪

-♪ It's not in the way that you look ♪

♪ Or the things that you say that you'll do ♪

-♪ Hold the line ♪

♪ Love isn't always on time ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Hold the line ♪

♪ Love isn't always on time ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

-[ Plays kazoo ]

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ Hold the line ♪

♪ Love isn't always on time ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Hold the line ♪

♪ Love isn't always on time ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Hold the line ♪

[ Drumming stops ]

-Will you please shut the fuck up?!

-Merry Christmas to you, too...

asshole!

[ Chuckles ]

[ Vehicle approaching ]

Hey, look who's here. [ Chuckles ]

-Nice job on guitar. -Thanks.

-You guys wanna...?

-[ Laughs ]

-Hey, yeah, sure.

-Yeah, but I gotta get some rolling papers

from the store first.

-Ooh, pick up some wine while you're at it.

-Mark, you want to come with?

-Duh! -Okay.

-[ Sighs ]

-Help!

Oh, my God. Help! Oh!

[ Dramatic music plays ]

I told him that we shouldn't.

-Shouldn't what?

Oh, fuck.

Oh. Come on.

Uh, yes. Uh, hello. My father collapsed.

-Yeah. I knew it was a bad idea.

-Uh, that's what I'm trying to find out right now.

What happened? -We were trying something.

-W-Were you having sex? -I guess we were about to.

-Well, now isn't the time to -- to be shy.

Whatever it was, you gotta tell me.

What were you about to do? -The anal pile driver.

-On Christmas?! -He said that's what

the holidays were all about.

-Oh, my God! -And he really loves it.

-Okay, I got it.

-But it takes strength and finesse.

-Understood! Thank you!

-He used to be able to do all those things!

-Jesus Christ! Why are you still talking?!

Um, yeah, my father collapsed while he was having sex.

Please hurry.

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Paramedic radio chatter ]

[ Siren wails ]

♪♪

♪♪

-Awful habit.

I always bite my nails when I'm nervous.

Wh-What do you do to cope with stress?

-I don't know. I, um, get high.

Then I get drunk and...

then take a Xanax.

Repeat the cycle until I feel better or I pass out.

-Well...

I-I guess everyone has their own little quirks.

-What happened?!

-So Dad had liver failure.

-Those fucking beers.

-Mark, I need to talk to you about something, okay?

-Okay.

-Dad needs to have a blood transfusion.

-Okay.

-And they don't have the right kind of blood for him

right now at the hospital. Do you understand?

-Yeah. -But you actually have

the right kind of blood to be able to give some to Dad.

-Okay. -So would you be okay

if the doctors took some of your blood

and then gave it to him?

-Okay, I can do it.

-Don't worry. It won't hurt at all.

-Okay. I'm gonna find the doctor and let her know.

-Michelle? -Yeah?

-After I give my blood to Dad...

-Yeah?

-...how long until I die?

-About 15 minutes. -What?

No, she's just joking!

You don't die after giving your blood.

-That's good.

-You would have done it without question.

You're the bravest of all of us. You know that?

-[ Sighs ]

All right, enough of the Hallmark Channel moment.

I'm gonna go see if I can find the doctor.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

-I'm sorry.

♪♪

-Don't fucking apologize.

-[ Sobbing ]

-Goddamn it, Dad.

-There is someone here who can help you with handling --

-I'm not in charge here.

We gotta get out of here.

[ Sad music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-[ Muffled ] I said I don't want to talk about it right now.

-You can't do that with every

serious conversation that comes up.

-Yeah, well, sorry.

I've got a career that I've had for awhile now,

and it's important to me.

-Oh, you just love to just drop in and drop out

whenever you want, and the rest of us

have to stay here and clean up.

-Do we have to figure it out right now?

-Yes! Someone has to start taking care of him

right a-fucking-way, so I don't see how this can wait.

-Okay, well, we'll sell the house,

and then you can use the money to figure out --

-It's not about the money!

It's about the work! It's about showing up!

-What am I supposed to do?

Get some fucking lame job that I hate, like you?

-[ Gasps ]

You are so selfish.

-I didn't have kids for a reason.

Okay? I-I can't take him.

I just -- I-I can't take the responsibility.

-No, you didn't have a kid because you were scared

of having a kid with a disability.

-I'm sorry that I wanted to do something else

with my life other than be a caretaker.

-I've been taking care of everything since forever!

And no one has ever asked me what I wanted, you know?

-You knew this was part of the deal.

-No, you knew this was part of the deal.

I've been trying to talk to you about it all week.

You do your jokes.

-[ Sighs ]

Well, I can't believe you won't take him.

-I can't believe you won't.

-Well, then I guess he's just gonna live on the street.

-Nice. -Okay, so make sure that

you give him some food when you see him

pushing his shopping cart down the alley.

You know what?

Come to think of it, never mind.

Because I doubt that he could even

figure out how to do that.

Oh, Mark. Fuck.

-She was just joking. She's not --

[ Voice breaking ] She doesn't mean it.

[ Door opens and slams ]

Good one.

-[ Crying ] Oh, shut the fuck up.

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

♪♪

[ Line ringing ]

[ Coughs ]

♪♪

♪♪

-Please leave a message. [ Beep ]

-Hey, it's me.

[ Sighs ] We need your help.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

[ Smoke alarm beeping ]

Oh, shit!

[ Beeping continues ]

O...kay.

[ Beeping continues ]

-They got burned.

-That's okay.

[ Beeping continues ]

[ Sizzling ]

[ Beeping stops ] -I was making breakfast.

-I know, bud. It's okay.

-What the hell?

-We're gonna have a non-traditional breakfast

this year.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

Look, last night was straight garbage.

We didn't mean any of it.

-It's okay.

-No, it's not okay.

We suck.

We're just...sad.

You know?

-It's okay.

-We gotta have each other's backs from now on.

So I don't want any more bullshit out of anyone.

And that includes me.

♪♪

-We should do presents.

Well, let's see what Santa got us.

Michelle.

Mark.

[ "O Holy Night" plays in background ]

-Cool.

Thanks, Dad.

-Great. Now all I need is a gun, and I'm all set.

-Yes!

This is a good one.

"Dick! The Halls: Volume Seven."

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

-Oh, my God, Shell, look.

♪♪

-Holy shit.

-It's Dad. You know it's Dad.

He finally got it to snow for us.

We hear you, Dad.

-Um...I don't think so.

That's not snow.

-Oh. Holy shit.

-I'm calling 911.

-Wait. -What?

-What did Dad say Christmas was all about?

-Remembering shit he told us to do

for once in our goddamn lives.

-And what do we do in the event of a fire?

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

♪♪

[ Techno music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Wow.

[ Air horn blows ]

[ Laughter ]

-That was really cool.

[ Vehicle approaching ]

-Oh, I bet that's Sharon.

-Merry Christmas.

-Mom? -Hello.

I brought gifts.

Walmart gift card for Andrea.

For Mark.

You.

Now, who wants some of Mom's famous fruitcake?

Michelle called. She told me what happened.

But I don't want you to worry.

Everything is going to be okay.

Although it looks like I got here just in time.

-We had a rough couple days. Cut us some slack.

-Mark, be a darling.

Go to the car. Fetch my bag.

I'm moving in immediately to look after you.

-What about Rob the dentist?

This isn't exactly burgers in paradise.

-He's retired, so we thought we would move in here

for a while to look after Mark.

Unless either one of you are planning to take care of him.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

Well, that's what I thought.

♪♪

♪♪

-I'll take him if he wants.

-So will I.

-[ Laughs ]

That's absurd. Neither of you are fit

to take care of a houseplant, even a cactus.

-Well, obviously, I'm gonna try harder

than I did with that cactus.

[ Door opens ] -Hey, everybody.

Merry Christmas.

-Who the hell are you? -Mom, this is Sharon.

She's a p-- -No!

She is a sex worker.

-What?

-I was going to say she's a part of the family.

-Oh. Shit.

-I can be both. -I can't believe this.

-Mark, I have a really important question to ask you, okay?

-Okay.

-Who do you want to be your legal guardian?

-Um...

♪♪

Groot.

-No, man. Not "Guardians of the Galaxy."

Like, who do you want to live with?

-Oh.

You.

-Okay. Go get your stuff.

-This is outrageous.

He should be living here with me.

-Well, we're selling the house, so...

-W-W-W-What? -No matter how good

your intentions are, at some point,

people need to be able to make decisions for themselves

about what their life's gonna be.

-We're never coming home, right?

-Right.

Mom, this is happening.

Tell Rob I said Merry Christmas and to have a margarita for me.

-You can tell him yourself. He's in the car.

-You've been in here for like an hour and a half.

-Rob, we're going back to Florida!

Come in here and help me pack up this damn cake!

-Hey.

Can I come along, too?

-[ Scoffs ]

Obviously.

Come on.

-Hey!

I wanted to give you this.

-Thank you.

Hey, Rob.

-Hey, Michelle.

You can have these if you want.

[ Chuckles ]

One of the bulbs is burnt out, so the whole strand is no good.

-That's not how it works anymore.

-Oh. Live and learn.

-Hey, what the hell is all of this?

-We're leaving, Larry. For good.

-For good?

-I'll never forget you.

Farewell.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

-So where are we going?

-[ Sighs ]

You know...

that's a good question.

[ Sighs ]

[ Engine starts ]

♪♪

♪♪

-Who am I without you?

I don't know that man.

♪♪

♪♪

-And so then I looked at him and I said,

"That sounds like a weak goal to me."

[ Laughter ] That's what I said.

Thank you so much. You guys have been great.

Good night, Atlanta!

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Let's keep it going for my favorite comedian

and least favorite roommate, Michelle Van de Shall!

Her run of the show just got extended by another week,

so if you had fun tonight, tell a friend.

And if you didn't, nobody gives a shit what you think.

-Ooh! -Hey.

We ran right on time tonight,

even with intermission running long.

-I told you you're not the stage manager.

You can't be back here.

-Copy that. Standing by.

Sharon, I'm gonna need all the glow tape back. It's mine.

-I think she's jealous of your job.

-Merch sales were retarded tonight.

-What the fuck did I tell you about saying that?

-I'm taking the word back. -[ Sighs ]

I mean...power to you, man.

-And there's a group from Special Olympics here.

So if you don't mind,

I'm gonna go mingle with some ladies.

-Very cool. Enjoy.

-I will.

You know it, Shelly.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

-Hey, Anj. Wait up!

[ The New Anxiety's "All on Christmas" plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

-♪ Every year reluctantly

♪ We hang the lights and trim the tree ♪

♪ Just another Christmastime ♪

♪ Unpacking all the winter clothes ♪

♪ While cold wind seeps through old windows ♪

♪ Just another Christmastime ♪

♪ But soon we find the house filled with the scent of pine ♪

♪ And it reminds us of a simpler time ♪

♪ Of a simpler time ♪

♪ Gone away till holidays ♪

♪ Bring back old friends and family ♪

♪ We revel in the old clichés ♪

♪ All on Christmas, all on Christmas Day ♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Every year about this time ♪

♪ We hear the melodies and rhymes ♪

♪ Of a million Christmas songs ♪

♪ So we dust off the old guitars ♪

♪ Start to hum a couple bars ♪

♪ Of another Christmas song ♪

♪ And then we go into our bustling studio ♪

♪ Where we recall the meaning of it all ♪

♪ The meaning of it all ♪

♪ Gone away till holidays ♪

♪ Bring back old friends and family ♪

♪ To revel in the old clichés ♪

♪ On Christmas, on Christmas ♪

♪ On Christmas Day ♪

♪♪

♪ On Christmas Day ♪

♪♪

♪ On Christmas Day ♪

♪♪

♪ On Christmas Day ♪

♪♪

♪ On Christmas Day ♪

♪♪