Original subtitles

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, and welcome to Have I Got News For You.

I'm Lorraine Kelly and in the news this week -

in Surbiton, a heavy user finds a quiet spot to score some

ketamine from his dealer.

On I'm A Celebrity, there's evidence that

Coleen Rooney is struggling with the bean-heavy diet.

And in the Cairngorms, after being honked by the car

behind, Ruth Davidson lets the driver know exactly

what she thinks of them.

BLEEP.

On Ian's team tonight is a journalist

who used to host a podcast called How To Win An Election.

It's not for me to judge whether it's any good or not,

but apparently Rishi Sunak and Kamala Harris

were regular listeners. Please welcome Matt Chorley.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

On Paul's team tonight is a comedian

who did her first-ever gig at the Ilkley Literature Festival,

which is the second-funniest thing to happen in publishing

after the sales figures for Boris Johnson's book.

Please welcome Maisie Adam.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, we begin with the bigger news

stories of the week.

Ian and Matt, have a wee look at this.

That's a farmer.

Keir Farmer.

That's inheritance tax for you.

"No, I'm an economist, these are all pound coins."

Well, this is the big farm protest.

And Matt was actually there.

Yes, there's nothing better than standing in the drizzle

speaking to members of the public.

And I said to one of them, "Well, why should someone whose "family

And I said to one of them, "Well, why should someone whose family

"just happened to have a big house pay inheritance tax

"but you shouldn't pay inheritance tax?"

And she sort of paused

for a minute and then said, "Yeah, that IS a good question."

What is it that Labour are actually proposing, though?

Well, the focus of the protest is inheritance tax.

Farmers didn't pay it at all and now they're going to pay half

of what everyone else pays and the limits they've set on them

are really pretty high, so it's meant to stop wealthy

landowners buying lots of land in order to avoid taxes.

And, say, like, now who comes to mind?

Jeremy Clarkson...

..who originally bought his farm in order to avoid

paying any tax on it, has now become the champion

of the small farmer who's probably not going to get hit by this

and is going to end up worse off for lots of other reasons.

It's a bit like if there was a big Shepherdess protest

and Marie Antoinette turned up.

What sort of drugs are you on? And share them out!

Exactly.

It's mostly ketamine.

Do you want to see Jeremy Clarkson...

No, thank you.

Well, you're going to... Oh, OK.

..whether you like it or not.

You made it sound like an option. This is not an option.

OK.

Here is Jeremy Clarkson talking to the BBC.

Now...

Oh, no.

..don't be distracted by the wee fella in the background.

So why are you here, Mr Clarkson?

Well, because I'm here to support farmers.

Right. Are you angry?

It's difficult to be angry on somebody else's behalf,

that's like being...

Yes, no, I'm not angry on someone else's behalf.

Right.

So it's not about you, it's not about your farm...

No.

..and the fact that you bought a farm to avoid inheritance tax?

No. Classic BBC there.

Classic.

Is it? Oh, yeah.

It's not the fact that...

The fact that I bought a farm to avoid inheritance tax, the fact...

You told the Sunday Times in 2021 that's why you bought it.

Oh, I love it.

Is that Victoria Derbyshire?

Victoria Derbyshire, she keeps receipts.

You cannot fool her.

I mean, it's not as though he's got, you know, any history with the Beeb.

She's quite lucky he didn't punch her in the face

for turning up with cold food.

Your face there, Matt, it's sort of encapsulating

the mood of everybody.

I was just wondering when it was all going to be over.

Although it does look like you've attached

an umbrella to the top of your head.

Paul? Yeah?

Oh, yes, hello. I'm still here.

What country do you think does those sort of protests, you know,

what country do you think does them best?

Scotland. No!

We don't protest.

Don't you? It's the Belgians.

The Belgians.

See, everybody always forgets about the Belgians.

They always just ignore them.

Have a wee look. There you are.

That's how they do it in Belgium.

I could do that.

Look at the power! I know!

That cow was burstin'! Wasn't it?

It's like a jet wash.

Yeah. But despite all the anger,

despite all of that, it was a peaceful protest.

Although, if you were watching Sky News, it did threaten to spread

into a wider conflict.

Ah.

You're watching Sky News today.

Still to come - farmers preparing to protest...

DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

How long that milk has been

pent up in that cow, we can't tell.

Yeah, there's no inheritance tax on intercontinental

ballistic missiles.

There were a couple of other tense moments at the protest.

Do you know what they were?

A tractor drove over a traffic cone? You're so clever!

It did. I was there!

Here's another ugly scene.

Oh!

I'm so sorry.

I've never the felt the need to say to a dog, "Blink

twice if you need help."

I want to tell that dog to go to the bar and ask for Angela.

Who else showed up, then, if you were there?

Ed Davey, Kemi Badenoch, Nigel Farage?

Most of the Shadow Cabinet, actually.

Oh, yeah.

Who suddenly all seem to think that protesting is actually a really good

idea when they're not in government. Here they are.

Oh... I know.

Look at Priti Patel.

She's showing her enthusiasm for farming by wearing something

that she slaughtered that very morning.

With her bare hands, probably. Bare hands, I know.

They should have probably written something on that banner.

No, that is literally their ideas about farming.

Can you name of the hard-working landowners set to suffer

at the hands of the government?

Dyson? Clarkson.

Possibly Lloyd Webber.

Tom Peck in the Times revealed...

Here he is at the protests.

MAISIE SIGHS

Oh, my God, I've never wanted a burstin' cow to hand...

Straight in there.

What does he grow on his farm, Farage?

Fags?

Do you think he's got a vast tobacco crop?

I can imagine what he puts on his crops cos there's plenty of that.

Save himself a fortune.

APPLAUSE

So, what evidence has Keir Starmer produced to show

that he is on the side of the farmers?

Oh, his parents kept donkeys.

They did. Against their will.

Well, he told the BBC this week...

..says Sir Keir...

Although, three weeks ago on a visit to a factory in Hull,

he also claimed to have...

Where was he during all these protests, though?

He was abroad.

He was, yes. He was at G20.

He was indeed.

He spent the week in Brazil at the G20 Summit,

meeting world leaders, after which he went out into Rio

to talk to locals and tell them how he'd grown up in a favela.

LAUGHTER He also popped to Paris for some entente cordiale.

Here he is with President Macron.

Now, keep an eye behind them, it looks like some of the French

military vehicles have been supplied by The Flintstones.

LAUGHTER

Well, this is the farmers' protest at Labour's new rules

on inheritance tax.

In other news, Rachel Reeves has been accused of lying on her CV,

but we've all done that, haven't we, for work purposes?

For years I've claimed to be friends with Richard Madeley.

Paul and Maisie, have a wee look at this.

Yes. OK, there's Donald Trump.

That's Elon Musk.

He's the President. He's the President, yeah.

And that's Matt Gaetz, who was going to be Attorney General

but now can't be Attorney General because there's been

some new revelations about his terrible, uh...life.

There's a man who's worried about being extradited.

Matt Gaetz has proved just too controversial even for Trump.

He was going to be head of the Justice Department but he'd

been investigated for sexual misconduct by the House Ethics

Committee until the investigation was closed when he resigned

from Congress to become Attorney General.

He needs to be investigated for them eyebrows alone.

Well, yeah, do you know what?

Looking at that, does he remind you of Robbie Rotten?

You know Robbie Rotten from Lazy Town?

Oh. Yes.

Oh! Yeah, yeah!

LAUGHTER Look, look, look.

Don't you think?

It's a dead ringer. It's uncanny.

Let me show you this person.

Oh, that's the Fox News guy, isn't it?

He is the new Defense Secretary, Pete Hegseth his name is.

Yeah. What's weird about this guy?

He doesn't believe in germs - they don't exist, you can't see them

therefore they don't exist.

Yeah, he said...

Now, he does have a military record so you would think

he'd have a good aim with a weapon, right?

Mm.

Well, have a look at him throwing an axe.

Yes.

Who's going to win this battle of the lumberjacks?

Oh!

You're joking!

There's traffic behind, why are you throwing

an axe in that direction? It's mad.

That'll cut down the military.

What problem has President Biden left in president-elect Trump's lap?

Ukraine.

Russia.

Leading to...?

Leading to...?

World War III.

No, no, won't be World War III. You don't think?

No. Oh, I feel a lot better now.

Yeah. I do!

I'll be the first to apologise.

This cavalcade of bozos is going to be, you know,

in charge in the world's most powerful country at the beginning

of January, it can't help but fall apart in an air of absolute chaos.

That is the most brilliant analysis and the collective noun

for bozos is a cavalcade.

Love that. Love it.

Wonderful.

Would you like to see Trump's pick for Education Secretary?

Yeah, let's have a look. Called Linda McMahon.

She's enjoying a day out with the family.

Mom, just remember, like you told me when I was a little girl,

this is going to hurt me a lot worse than it hurts you.

Get her! Linda just knocked out Stephanie!

Is this a cabinet meeting?

That's the John Prescott Memorial Games.

So she used to be, like, head of WWE, then?

It is literally people that Donald Trump has seen on telly.

Oh, my God, the Home Secretary's going to be Marge Simpson, innit?

She'd be quite good. She'd be all right.

She'd be a breath of fresh air.

Uh-huh.

Sticking with wrestling, what are they doing

in a church in Bradford?

To encourage people to go to church, they're staging wrestling

matches in the church.

So is this during the services? Yeah.

I'm so sorry!

As it says in the Bible, "The best of three falls

and one submission."

So, yeah, so it's wrestling matches in church.

It's good but I think it'll be better if it was actually, like,

the clergy doing it.

Yeah. Know what I mean?

The Archbishop of Canterbury should be in there, shouldn't he?

Yeah, he should.

Unfortunately, there's been a fairly major inquiry into...into that.

You kind of ran into him recently, did you not, Ian?

Yeah, I did. You did.

How was that encounter?

He appeared at a public event the day after he resigned

in disgrace and thought no-one would say anything.

And he came over and said hello, so I said something.

Did you? You've got balls, you really have.

He just seemed to me entirely shameless.

Years ago on this programme I used to accuse Ian

of being a bit snobbish.

But now I withdraw that when I realise he meets

the Archbishop of Canterbury at a drinks do at

the British Museum.

Do you think so, Paul?

Do you think he'll be missed at all?

We'll always get somebody else. Oh, the Archbishop of Canterbury?

Sorry.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is the news that Donald Trump has

selected his new cabinet.

According to the Mail Online, Health Secretary appointee

Robert F Kennedy is against the additives used in many

McDonald's items, including...

Coincidentally, that's also the name of Donald Trump's

favourite Scottish porn star.

So...

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

You're happy with that one, aren't you?

So now to round two, the One Armed Bandit Of News.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

Oh.

BUZZER

Paul?

I am aware, vaguely aware, that the Americans have

trained rats to drive cars.

Why?

Well... Well...

..there's nothing better to do.

Well, it is the news, absolutely...

Yes. ..that rats can drive.

Yes. And what's more, rats ENJOY driving.

Do they?

So how did scientists find this out, that rats

are petrolheads, basically?

Oh, um... A questionnaire.

Did someone put something in my drink?

What the...?

OK, so they put a rat in a car...

Yes.

..and they've sort of seen the rat going, "He-hey!"

Why are we seeing if rats like driving?

Well... Why is that on the to-do list?

LAUGHTER

You lot just seem like you're really fine with this.

Absolutely. Researchers...

Researchers.

..at the University of Richmond in Virginia...

Virginia, yeah. ..found that rats...

Rats could be...

..in return for a reward.

Yeah.

The scientists first observed this during the pandemic.

So, in the pandemic, when we were all clueless as to how

we were going to find a solution, and you're telling me

some scientists went, "Do you know what I'm

going to find out today? Does a rat enjoy driving?"

"I reckon we'll put the vaccine off till tomorrow."

Would you like to see a rat driving?

Well, yes. Clearly.

Obviously!

Just to prove to Maisie that it exists.

OK. Here's one.

There we are.

This is the real one. Have a look at this.

Oh! So cute.

You've been generous with the term "car".

Yeah.

There's a remote control going on here.

No, I think the rat is just trying to get the treat,

but can't because someone's put it in a car.

I don't think the rat is going, "Watch this,

I can do a three-point turn."

We deserve to get overtaken by robots and AI.

Well, we're going to get overtaken by a rat.

There could be a Top Gear for rats.

Yeah. I think they did that.

How do you think the rats feel?

You know, when they're driving around, the wind in their fur...

I think they're enjoying the freedom of the road.

You know, the independence.

Apparently, they love it. Yeah.

So much so that, when she was conducting the experiment,

Professor Kelly, no relation, noticed that the rats were...

Hollywood producers are now working on a screenplay

for a brand-new franchise, The Fast And The Furriest.

Aw!

Good stuff.

APPLAUSE

Oh, don't.

Do you get the feeling that whole item was produced

just for that one joke?

It was. Fingers on buzzers, teams.

Oh.

BELL RINGS

Mel Gibson isn't Scottish.

LORRAINE GASPS Really?

Yeah.

Apparently, he's Australian and he wasn't involved

in Scottish independence.

True.

But not what we were really looking for.

Oh.

This here is the news that Scottish people are better

at spotting fake accents...

..than people in the South.

Right.

So why are we better than you soft southerners, then?

I suppose you've got to have a good ear for accents to understand

what each other are saying.

Researchers from Cambridge University no less...

Oh, yeah, they know nothing.

They put some Scottish rats in a car.

Researchers from Cambridge University think that...

Therefore, they are more attuned to spotting fakes, like Rod Stewart.

Rod Stewart's not real?

LAUGHTER

Who did Theresa May impersonate recently?

Did you see her?

Was it James Brown?

I'm sure I've seen the footage.

"I feel like a sex machine."

It was, wasn't it?

Theresa May attempted a Scottish accent in her opening speech

in the House of Lords...

Oh, right.

..cos she's in there now, and she was telling a wee

story about her mentor, Baroness Goldie.

My supporters indicated how generous it was of her to give me

a gift, and she said...

"..it's the companion on standing orders..."

There's Rod Stewart. "..to read during the recess."

She's not the only former Prime Minister who likes

to put on an accent.

Yes.

LORRAINE SIGHS

What's Boris Johnson been doing?

Oh, he was in France. Yes, he was.

And he gave a radio interview in French.

You want to hear this?

Oh, really? Yes, please.

Uh, la liberte de faire des choses different et en particulier vous...

En oublie tous ces deux ou trois annees.

What's he saying, Ian?

Er... It's gibberish.

Yeah.

We have actually got the official translation.

Would you like to see that?

Yes, please. OK.

INDISTINCT MUTTERING, LAUGHTER

It was a lorry load of interesting cheeses.

In other news, how has Richard III been

communicating from beyond the grave?

This feels like one for you, Ian.

He's on Twitter.

No, he's on Good Morning Britain, isn't he?

Well, there's a lady called Yvonne Morley-Chisholm.

Yes.

She's a vocal coach at the Royal Shakespeare Company.

Yep.

She has spent ten years of her life perfecting an avatar of Richard II.

She has spent ten years of her life perfecting an avatar of Richard III.

Oh, right. Good.

Yes. Which has revealed his voice.

Yes, of course. It would do, wouldn't it?

Yeah. It would.

"Why am I in this car park?"

According to BBC News, the team studied his skull

to decipher how his facial muscles would have looked and,

despite the fact he was born in Northamptonshire,

declared that his accent was...

Oh, no way. Does he sound like me?

Well...

Do you want to hear?

Yes. OK.

Let's hear.

"The sun SHEENS with no less

LICHT and splendour.

"Nor does it suffer any DIMIN-OO-SHON of its strength.

"Rather, it is PLEHZZED to be SEHN..."

"..to SHEEN as a king in the midst "of his NOBBLES."

I think he went everywhere but Yorkshire.

He was...

He started off Irish and, by the end, he was Billy Elliot.

Yeah.

Of course, if you want to hear a really

typical Yorkshire phrase, it would be, "There's too

many of them in our cricket team."

'Kin 'ell, Lorraine.

Sorry, Maisie.

Your show's getting cancelled in the morning.

National treasure, my arse.

LAUGHTER

That's a proud boast.

APPLAUSE

Time now for the Odd One Out Round.

Just one between you this week.

They are...

Kemi Badenoch, Swedish minister Paulina Brandberg,

Edward VII and the French.

"Edward VII."

Which one's he? You know your...

Edward VII is the bottom left. He's the one...

BELL RINGS

I know one thing.

Yeah. You know more than one thing.

You know your name and where you live.

That's two things.

She was in the newspaper because she hates bananas.

Oh, yes.

Yes. Is that the Swedish politician?

Yes. Yes, yes.

Fears and phobias.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's the odd one out.

They've all got an unusual food obsession, except for the Swedish

minister, Paulina Brandberg, who has indeed got

an unusual food phobia.

And leaked emails to her staff revealed that she asked them to...

What?! Yes.

What's the technical term for fear of bananas?

Bananaphobia.

It IS bananaphobia.

Oh, no! It is.

Well, I thought Ian would, like, go to the Latin for banana...

No. ..and do that.

No, he only knows one thing. Yeah.

The only time you ever use Latin for "banana" is when you're

in the British Museum, talking to the Archbishop

of Canterbury.

Do you want to tell me what drink

Kemi Badenoch is obsessed with?

It's Diet Coke.

It's actually Coke Zero, but it has to be at room temperature.

Depends what the temperature of the room is.

Yeah.

What did King Edward VII's diet consist of?

Everything you could possibly eat...

Absolutely. ..he did.

He was a renowned glutton.

Yeah. So his food obsession was...food?

Just basically everything. This is what you would eat.

Breakfast... 30 courses.

Lunch, eight courses.

Then there was afternoon tea, then dinner, 12 courses and,

right before he went to bed, he would have a supper of cakes.

Imagine following him into the lav. It'd be absolutely awful.

The only way you'd ever follow Edward VII into the lav

was if you were in a dinner at the British Museum.

What British food are the French

supposedly obsessed with?

Roast beef! No!

No? No, it's not.

Sausage rolls. No.

Chocolate Fingers!

"Le Finger de Cadbury," is what they call them.

"Le Finger de Cadbury"? That's a drag act, wasn't it?

There's now outrage in France because the biscuits have

not been seen on supermarket shelves since the spring, and the makers

have not explained why.

Oh.

So how do you think the French have reacted?

Protest!

Rioting.

Academic Sophie Thiron told Le Monde...

.."When Cadbury withdraws its Fingers without warning..."

And you know...

That needs no further comment. Would you...?

"Would you withdraw your fingers without warning?"

Is that what you're asking us?

Would you like to see...

..a French...?

Well, obviously we would.

But whether we should is another matter.

Go on, then.

Would you like to see an old French advert

for Cadbury's Chocolate Fingers?

I believe I would. Yeah.

INDISTINCT UNTRANSLATED FRENCH

Finger de Cadbury, c'est bon.

And well delivered

there by a young Boris Johnson.

OK, Time now for the Missing Words Round.

Shall we start with...?

..what?

It's got a fake Yorkshire accent.

No.

He buys a round.

MAISIE GASPS, LORRAINE GROANS

No.

"Fish called Bob causes sensation in Leeds because...

"..he has a human face!"

No, he hasn't.

There's Bob. Oh, yes!

He does. He's got a human face.

He's got a 'tache and all.

I think I used to go out with his sister.

..what?

"132 hamsters on the Loose Women show."

Yes.

Oh.

They had to stand in for Janet Street-Porter at the last minute.

LAUGHTER

It's...

"..cause chaos on a flight to Portugal."

That's like the world's shittest sequel to Snakes On A Plane.

"Hamsters On A Jet2 Flight."

Finally...

..what?

The opposition turning up.

It's ghosts, isn't it?

It's the graveyard.

"..stadium being haunted."

Oh, yeah.

Oh! Yeah.

The manager, Ian Holloway, cited an example of the supernatural

behaviour during their last home match when the ball was...

..POSSESSED by the opposition...

GROANS

..and they couldn't get it back for 90 minutes.

"Possession."

Mm-hm. Yeah.

Right. He knows about football!

He knows! Yeah.

No, I could do banter about this.

"Did you watch Match Of The Day last week, Archbishop?"

Yeah.

The final scores are...

Five each!

..Ian and Matt have got five...

Yeah, what have we got?

..and Paul and Maisie have got five.

Oh! Wahey!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, before we go, there's just time

for the caption competition.

The monkey's saying, "Hello, is that the manager of Whipsnade Zoo?

"Guess who's in YOUR office."

LAUGHTER

"Hello? Rats Taxis.

What's the pick up address, please?"

On which note, we say "thank you" to our panellists,

Ian Hislop and Matt Chorley, Paul Merton and Maisie Adam.

And I'll leave you with news that, at a party in London,

one man reacts after the guest of honour tells his

father's favourite joke.

In Florida, one man wonders when his assistants

will hurry up with those earplugs that he asked for.

LAUGHTER And in London, the media are introduced

to the new editorial policy unit at GB News.

LAUGHTER

Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE