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Andy Huggins was born in Dallas, February 4th, 1950.

in the early '70s, he goes to college and flunks out twice.

1977, then Andy moves to Los Angeles,

where he becomes a paid regular

at the world-famous Comedy Store.

Then, in 1979, he doubles down on his long-term relationship with Jack Daniel's.

In 1981, Andy moves back to Houston,

where he helps form the original Texas Outlaw Comics.

He finally sobers up at the end of the '80s

and then hits the road for the next three decades.

And then, in 2018, he passes the auditions

for America's Got Talentbut doesn't get invited to the show.

I didn't even think they could do that.

That's a bunch of bullshit.

So, now, after 73 years of being alive

and 45 years doing stand-up comedy,

Andy Huggins finally gets his comedy special.

Please welcome Andy Huggins!

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

I, uh, just paid off my student loan.

The, uh, hard part of stand-up comedy used to be comedy.

I started walking towards the stage 20 minutes ago.

I have become clumsy in my old age.

Anybody ever dropped their phone in the toilet?

Yeah? I did. And after I did,

I put the phone in a bag of rice.

Anybody ever drop a bag of rice in the toilet?

Damn it! Just me.

I, uh, took a quiz on Facebook called, "What's your spirit animal?"

I got "extinct".

I have an inner child, but I don't think it's mine.

I had a colonoscopy.

And when it was over, they said, we'll see you in ten years.

And I thought, "The fuck, you will!"

I'm woke...

...for about another five hours. Um...

I tried using that face aging app,

they said, "Nah, you're good."

I have a 73% hearing loss.

I mean, what good is a safe word if you're deaf?

A friend called me "old feller." I thought he said, "Old Yeller." And I bit him.

My crowd work was terrible.

I asked an audience member where he was from.

He said, "My mama." I heard "Miami" and said, "I've been there."

My butt is shrinking.

You... You can't tell, but right now I'm twerking.

Last night, I sat on the toilet, slipped right in.

I told someone to kiss my ass, he said, "Where is it?"

I participate in sports,

specifically, mixed martial arts and crafts.

I fight under the name "Cray, Cray Crochet."

I lost a tooth.

Turns out it was in the glass of water with the rest of my teeth.

I talk too loud.

The other night, I asked a lady out

and three different women yelled, "No."

Here's something new I learned.

Metrosexual isn't two people screwing on the bus.

Somebody should have told me that the phrase "a minute" was being used ironically.

I was having dinner with a woman. She said,

"I haven't had sex in a minute," and I said, "Holy crap,

"is there somebody under the table?"

The, uh, wardrobe tonight

is from a new line of clothing at Old Navy called "Older Navy."

A few years, I'll be shopping at Oldest Navy.

And then Burial at Sea.

I finally got my first pair of ripped blue jeans...

Goddamn dog!

I cut this finger opening a can of whoop-ass.

I was on the Internet researching my family history.

Turns out I'm Scotch-Irish on my mom's side.

Scotch and soda on my dad's.

I am a recovering alcoholic.

Thirty-four years sober.

Thank you.

There were... There were a lot of one night stands back in the day.

Here's how it would go. I would get drunk, meet a woman,

go back to my place, have sex, call myself a cab, leave.

Remember it was my place.

I was a quiet drunk.

Some people would say, "passed out".

The haters.

One night,

I got drunk and passed out in a neighbor's front yard.

When I came to, I was part of a yard sale.

I was a blackout drunk.

Now, I have senior moments.

I can't catch a break.

I've spent most of my life asking questions to total strangers.

Questions like, "You tell me, you're the cop!"

The great love of my life I met in a bar.

We met when I fell off my bar stool.

She was already on the floor.

One night, that lady asked me to spank her.

I ask her why. She said, "I'm into discipline."

So, instead of spanking her, I made her go stand in the corner.

"Who is your grandpa?"

That was a difficult relationship. Uh...

She had multiple personalities, and I'm bad with names.

Like... Like any drunk, I thought,

I could manage my drinking.

I remember, after one particularly rough weekend,

on Monday, I decided I would only drink after dark.

Tuesday, I bought curtains.

In college, I wrote a paper entitled

"The History of Public Intoxication

"in the United States of America

"from colonial times to early this morning."

I flunked out of college twice.

First time, because I was a drunk.

Second time, I was sober, but the shit was hard.

I had a favorite drinking game.

My favorite drinking game was called, um,

"Leave me the fuck alone."

Rules are real simple.

All you needed was a pack of Marlboro Reds

and a Jack Daniel's on the rocks.

Actually, that's all I needed.

All you needed was to leave me the fuck alone.

I love drinking during the holidays.

I get drunk and go trick-or-treating.

Every holiday, I would get drunk and go trick-or-treating...

...which made for an odd Arbor Day

in my neighborhood.

I would get drunk before the show.

- Not my show.Good Morning America. -

I was on, uh, what I call my military diet.

Captain Morgan and Cap'n Crunch.

I got arrested for drunk driving.

Not only was I drunk, but I'd been smoking hash.

When I took the breathalyzer test,

I inhaled, tried to pass it to the cop.

YOLO.

So, I was arrested, pled guilty.

For my community service, I left the community.

My first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting did not go well.

I mean, it's anonymous, right?

I wore a ski mask.

The 1970s were a great time to be a drunk.

When making a phone call, you didn't have to dial the area code first.

Those extra three numbers would have fucked me up pretty good. I'd...

I'm gonna give y'all some good advice.

No, I'm gonna give y'all some great advice.

If you're ever lying in bed drunk and the room is spinning...

- Anybody know what I'm... -Yeah.

Okay, you know. Okay. I'm gonna give you some great advice.

If you're ever lying in bed drunk and the room is spinning,

don't try to stand up.

Roll off the bed onto the floor and crawl in the direction of the spin.

Don't crawl against the spin.

You crawl against the spin, you end up right back in bed.

What the fuck is... Uh, sorry.

I apologize for that outburst.

Smoked a lot of pot back then.

Back then, you could get real high just standing next to me.

I had street value,

At my draft physical, my blood pressure was 120 over groovy.

I did LSD...

...was able to see 40 years into my future.

I was taking a nap.

Nailed it.

I had an acid flashback

while I was suffering from acid reflux.

For six hours, I thought I was a spicy buffalo wing.

In the '80s, I had the obligatory cocaine habit.

Ugly drug. Ugly drug.

But it did give me the necessary focus and energy I needed

to stay up all night grinding my teeth.

I went to an ecstasy party,

and I was hugging everybody because my last name is Huggins.

Unfortunately, I tried to hug somebody whose last name was Shank.

I quit doing drugs in 1985,

I wanted to focus on my drinking.

I, uh... I use this for balance, support and social distancing.

It's a gift from my, uh, my best friend and...

I'm an idiot. He knows I'm an idiot. But a user's manual?

What the fuck, Jimmy? What are you...

Walking can be difficult for me at times.

I do worry about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet.

Also I worry about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

I read that, at my age,

if you fall down, you're likely to fall down a second time.

So, if I fall down, I'm not getting up.

What's the fucking point?

Do you all know those, uh, bathtub applications

you put on the bathtub floor to keep from slipping?

When I do walk, I toss them ahead of me.

That's also how I find my way home.

A, uh, friend on Facebook suggested I get a bicycle.

That friend's been blocked.

I do exercise.

I start every morning with ten minutes of coughing in place.

Followed by 15 minutes of CPR.

I have quit a lot of bad habits.

For instance, with the help of nicotine gum,

I was able to quit the patch.

And with the help of cigarettes, I was able to quit nicotine gum.

I, uh... I was a heavy smoker.

I'd even smoke when I went jogging,

which is stupid, of course.

So, I quit jogging.

I tell you what, I'd love smoking cigarettes.

I'd smoke after sex.

I'd smoke during sex.

Sometimes I would skip sex and just smoke cigarettes.

I am officially an old man.

I give unwanted advice to total strangers.

I told a kid to pull his pants up. His underwear was showing.

He mocked me, tried to give me a wedgie.

But the joke was on him. I was wearing Depends.

I'm not on Twitter.

But I will stop people on the street

and tell them shit they're not interested in.

That... That's #WhereYouGoing

and #I'mNotDoneTalking.

#CatchTheseHands.

I'm not into sexting.

But I will stop people on the street and show them shit they're not interested in.

That's #Don'tCallTheCops.

#I'mBeggingYou PleaseDon'tCallTheCops.

I, uh, got a brochure in the mail

for a prepaid cremation.

No, no, It's a great deal.

If you die in a fire, you get half your money back.

Thinking of getting a tattoo.

I'm just not sure what kind I want to get yet.

I'm thinking maybe barbed wire...

A dagger... My home address.

It's tough getting older.

Looked up, saw that light, started to walk towards it.

Went into an antique store, they wouldn't let me leave.

I asked Siri a question about my life expectancy,

and she changed the subject.

There's some advantages to being my age.

Frequently, people will stand and offer me their seat,

which is great on the bus, a little creepy in the men's room,

I can now ride the city buses of Houston...

For free.

So, ladies, I can be anywhere in four and a half hours.

I have a hobby.

I Google diseases and their symptoms.

Evidently, I died four days ago.

Which makes this pretty impressive.

I also like to get in the express line at the grocery store

and count items in other people's baskets.

"Oh, I don't think so, lady."

"Not on my watch."

"You take your scooter and scoot."

I went to the doctor 'cause I thought I had arthritis.

I don't. I have early onset rigor mortis.

A friend asked me if I wanted to participate

in the Adopt A Grandparent Program.

I said, "Sure."

Now I have a 95-year-old man on my hands.

I'd love to be a grandfather, but I don't even have children.

I need to get busy.

Ladies, I can be anywhere in four and a half hours.

Every time I'd leave my apartment,

I have to go back because I forgot something.

Tonight. I reached for my wallet.

Wouldn't you know it? I'd forgotten my pants.

I found this new technique which has improved my memory.

I quit listening to people so I have less shit to remember.

I...

The other day, got involved in an incident of sidewalk rage.

I'm walking this way.

A guy my age, walking back the opposite direction.

We're both talking to ourselves out loud.

I think he called me Gandalf, I'm not sure.

Anyway, it was on.

We threw down...

Our cardigans.

Police had to break it up, which was a good thing

because I was on the verge of being able to make a fist.

I tell you what, there are a couple of people...

Yeah. When you get to be my age,

time just starts to fucking fly by.

It's amazing. It's amazing, right?

There's somebody agreeing.

It seems like only yesterday I was on the playgrounds of Virginia.

Shooting hoops, balling.

That's two Ls.

Not W-L.

Throwing down slam dunks,

One-handed, two-handed. People chanting my nickname.

Black Jesus.

I'm tired. It's almost like I got no sleep at all last night.

The people in the apartment next to me were having a party.

Loud music, raucous conversation.

Went on seemingly forever.

I mean, for God's sakes, it's 9:00 at night.

And I had to be up in 12 hours.

Excuse me a second while I take care of somethin'.

I can put this on either, uh, vibrator or defibrillator.

So...

I take this out to see what time it is.

So, I know how long I've been on, so I know when to get off.

Here's the problem.

If you don't look at the goddamn thing before you come on stage...

...then 8:04 doesn't mean jack shit, quite frankly.

I got-- spent, what, three minutes, uh, the other night

looking for this while I was talking on it.

And the idiot I was talking to was no help.

He asked me, "You want me to give you a call?"

I, uh, love, my iPhone,

but it's so perfect--

The other night, I got so angry at my iPhone,

I almost threw it against the back wall.

And here's how crazy angry I was.

I asked Siri if she had any last words.

She did. She said, I didn't have the balls.

I didn't.

I, uh, just broke up

with my girlfriend, Lori.

She wants to see other people, and I hate company.

We didn't have enough in common.

Lori likes to go dancing.

I like to stomp my foot till I get some feeling back.

I used the expression "ahead of schedule".

Lori preferred the word "premature."

'Course, we had to go to Facebook,

change our relationship status.

I have. "It's complicated." Lori has, "No, it ain't."

This is the second time we've broken up.

First time, I caught her Googling "assisted living".

We met in a grocery store. My mind was wandering,

I accidentally bumped into Lori.

Lori got annoyed, said "WTF?"

I said, "No. AARP."

For our first date,

we went out to dinner or, as Lori called it, lunch.

I wanted to be fair with Lori, so I told her I was older than I look.

She said, "That's not possible."

Our first night together was a disaster.

Lori believes in the zombie apocalypse,

and I forgot to tell her I sleepwalk.

The sex was great, the bedroom could get noisy.

I'd be yelling, "Sweet Jesus!"

Lori'd yell, "God, why has thou forsaken me?"

And, of course, at some point, the nurse yells, "Clear!"

That's what's known as a triage a trois.

Lori loved role-playing in the bedroom.

Once for four nights in a row, she was a different Golden Girl.

Another time, she was, uh, Catwoman and I was Batman.

Well, Alfred.

A couple of nights later, she was Jackie Kennedy and I was, uh, Alfred.

I just owned the one suit.

In my favorite fantasy, Lori did a striptease

while I yelled at her to get off my front yard.

Sometimes we skipped foreplay, went right to intercourse.

We call that the senior citizen discount.

Some nights, didn't go well in the bedroom.

Lori didn't hesitate to let me know.

One morning, I woke up and my body was outlined in chalk.

There were pennies in my eyes.

Lori came up with a new position.

It's a variation on the reverse cowgirl.

It's called the reverse mortgage.

There's a lot of paperwork involved, you know.

Kind of boring, quite frankly.

One girlfriend got pissed off when we broke up.

I don't own a car. So, she keyed a metro bus.

My very first date...

ever... was, uh, my sophomore year

in high school.

The Sadie Hawkins Day dance.

Girl asked me out 'cause she heard I was easy.

I started that rumor.

That was back when I was proactive.

I reached my sexual peak 40 years ago.

I'm down to one shade of grey.

Two shades, if I catch a nap in the afternoon,

I love my fucking naps.

I, uh, I take one 15-minute nap every hour.

I call that rebooting.

Sex is still exciting. I never know what's going to happen first,

the orgasm or the foot cramp.

You want to get them both at the same time.

I, uh...

Once dated a lady who wore camouflage pajamas

and slept on camouflage bedsheets.

Instead of foreplay, I had to go on reconnaissance.

I was in bed with a cheerleader,

and she whispered in my ear, "Give me the D."

I whispered in her ear "D," then waited for the next letter.

So...

- I'm back on the dating scene. -Whoo!

I'm looking for a rich widow woman.

I want to spend my twilight years as some lady's geezer toy.

A geezer toy's like a boy toy, but with shorter hours.

A lady asked me if I wanted to participate in a polyamorous

relationship, which involves multiple partners.

I said, "Sure, but we're gonna need name tags."

I participated in senior speed dating.

Now on regular speed dating, you're sitting at a table with a woman,

the bell rings, you move to another table.

In senior speed dating, you're sitting at a table with a woman,

a bell rings, you wake up.

You yell at whoever keeps ringing that goddamn bell.

Trying to take a nap here, pal.

I'd love to be married.

And at 72 years old, I'm ready to make a lifetime commitment.

I want to be either married or adopted, one of y'all choose.

I don't care.

Okay. I just decided something because I do want to be in a relationship.

But I don't have the focus or the energy to get onto the dating scene.

So, I will pay anybody $50,000 to find me a lady friend.

Now she has to be kind, she has to be fun.

And she has to be wealthy, because I'm gonna owe somebody $50,000

Earlier this-- Before I came up here tonight,

I was talking to my neighbor,

Barton, gentleman about my age.

And he was telling me some bullshit story...

about being at Woodstock, which pissed me off.

'Cause that's my bullshit story.

I had to go to my backup bullshit story.

Apollo 13.

We live in an interesting neighborhood.

We don't have a neighborhood crime watch program.

We do have a neighborhood Peeping Tom who helps out.

Barton loves Judge Judy.

Thinks she's hot.

After every ruling, he yelled, "Erection sustained."

Barton's a big believer in conspiracies.

He believed the government faked both the moon landing and his wife's orgasms.

Barton and his wife, Margaret, recently remarried.

When Margaret said, "I do," Barton said, "Goddamn it! Not again."

His grandson has a lot of body piercings.

It's just nothing but metal...

hanging all over his body.

He works as a wind chime.

I have a nice apartment.

Have a lot of plants.

Some people would say mold.

The haters.

I tell you what, those fucking haters are everywhere.

My place is a pigsty.

I have a maid that comes in once a week and cries.

Well, no doubt about it.

Y'all are a terrific audience.

Not all... Yeah. Give yourselves a round of applause.

Not all audiences are as terrific as y'all.

A couple of Fridays ago, a guy was talking during my act,

which pissed me off.

Because he was talking in his sleep.

A lot of comics do very well.

A lot of comics make what they call "fuck you" money.

Enough money to tell the rest of the world "Fuck you."

I'm currently making "Fuck me" money.

There were no, uh, open mics when I started.

I had to do stand-up door to door.

Took forever to set up the lights.

Everybody wants to do stand-up these days.

And I give all the newcomers the same advice.

"Get the fuck away from me."

Actually, I get along well with the comics here in Houston.

They can be overprotective.

If I pause too long between jokes, they dial 911.

I, uh, have done some acting.

I was in a local production of West Side Story.

I played Alfred.

Boy, the other actors were pissed.

I, um, have a very important summertime job

with The Weather Channel.

They tell me what the temperature is,

and I tell them what it fucking feels like.

I, uh, was on America's Got Talent

uh, about four year... Thank you.

About, uh, four years ago,

and Mel B of the Spice Girls

did not like my jokes, which was disappointing.

'Cause I wanted to open for her group.

I could have been Old Spice.

I am blessed to be able to do stand-up at my age.

There are problems from time to time.

A couple of Saturdays ago, before I went on stage,

I asked a club manager, "How much time do I have?"

He said, "Can't be much."

You all have been a delight. Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Andy, Andy, Andy!

Andy, Andy, Andy...

Thank you very much. Um, please, uh...

I, uh... The... The goal was to do

forty, forty-five minutes.

Which involves, uh, some 200 jokes.

And I told Slade... Actually, I told anybody that would listen.

I'm gonna forget some fucking jokes. There's no way...

So...

-Go, Andy! - We're gonna... We're gonna... I think...

I think I got every one of 'em. But we're gonna go over this and see if indeed...

Um...

First things first...

I, uh... Looking at this... Oh, here we go.

I just had my favorite drink. back at the bar. Red Bull and Metamucil.

If you want to order one it's called Sex On The Beach, My Ass!

How the fuck did I forget that one?

Oh, well.

You know, any other comic would have all this shit

on their iPhone or something. I...

Legal pad and, uh... and a ballpoint pen.

Uh, you know what? I'm not going to, uh...

I think... You know what?

I think I remembered every fucking joke. This is, uh...

We love you, Andy.

Hmm. Nah. Nah, nah.

Don't applaud because I did my goddamn job.

I mean, really...

That shouldn't be, uh... That shouldn't be worthy of applause.

Uh, of course, Lori would wear a hoodie. I was in my snuggie.

Glad I forgot that one, um...

Okay, here's one I forget to do every time. Um...

For me, the damnedest saying about sex is,

it's sometimes difficult to know when you're pleasing a woman sexually.

I have this friend that what he does is,

he has his girlfriend recite

the multiplication timetables during the act,

on the theory that if she's able to do simple math,

then he's not performing up to par.

Sounded good to me. I made the suggestion to Lori.

She was able to do logarithms.

She was into advanced calculus when I told her to shut the...

All my friends are comics, which means my funeral won't start on time.

I love that joke. How could I forget that joke?

Okay, You know what?

We're back to the, uh, the first page.

Um, let me see if I can do this with some grace,

Not, uh... Not likely, but bear with me here.

I, uh...

I am blessed in so many ways, too numerous to count.

I, uh, love...

being a stand-up comic,

which means I love audiences.

And at the moment, I particularly love you people.

Thank you very much. Good night.

All right. Well, I wrote, uh, Andy's...

My favorite joke of Andy's, right... on this paper, right here.

No...

Favorite Andy Huggins bit. Okay.

...killed the sons. Hold on. Let me start over.

- 'Cause... - Right on this...

I'm a touch stoned. I don't mind telling you, so fuck off.

It's got to be the moment he says, uh...

- How'd he do it? He goes... - Uh, I love this one that Andy does.

- I'm butchering it. - My favorite Andy Huggins bit...

- My favorite joke of Andy's... - My favorite Andy Huggins' joke

is where he talks about getting a DUI.

"One time I got pulled over for drinking and driving.

"I'd also been smoking hash."

And when the cop hands him the Breathalyzer,

instead of exhaling, he inhales like a vape...

YOLO.

Favorite joke of Andy's... On this... this...

- That's now on... - "Lori and I...

"The bedroom would get kind of noisy,

"and I'd be yelling, 'Sweet Jesus!"

"And she'd be yelling, 'God, why has thou forsaken me?'"

Great thing about Andy Huggins is he's not obsessed with social media.

Like, he doesn't have Twitter.

He will stop you on the street and tell you shit you're not interested in though.

I rode a public bus today, I guess I'm a metrosexual.

#WhereYouGgoing, #I'mNotDoneTalkingYet.

"Back when I was drinking, I used to get drunk before every show.

"Not my show.Good morning America."

"I thought I would play a joke on a friend of mine.

"I thought I would ring his doorbell and run. Forgot to run."

"That would have been really embarrassing,

"but I also forgot to ring the doorbell."

"Time flies when you're my age.

"Seems like just yesterday I was out on the courts in Houston, Texas.

"Balling, throwing down slam dunks one-handed, two-handed.

"Whole time the crowd chanting my nickname.

"'Black Jesus,

"'Black Jesus, Black Jesus.'"

You know, the thing about... the thing about this joke

is there's actually nothing written on this paper.

I'm working with Andy in Panama City, Florida.

We're in the back of the room, comedian's on stage.

Andy's pacing back and forth. This is back when he could pace.

And, uh, watching the comic...

Andy paces, he stops in front of me, he says,

"Jim, you know what comic I hate the worst?"

I said, "No." He yells, "The one who's on right before me."

He looks up at the light and points out and he goes,

"Saw that light. Started to head towards it."

Will stand right on the edge of the stage and look down and say

"Oh, I swear to God, I'll jump."

A lot of these young comics, they come up and they ask me who would win in a fight.

Batman or Superman.

And I always respond with, "I don't give a fuck."

I come from a family of six kids.

Three boys, three goats.

My favorite Andy Huggins joke

is when he says he used to smoke a lot of pot,

so much that he has street value.

"I'm up to one shade of grey."

"But if I take a nap in the bus that afternoon,

"I have two shades of grey."

"Back when I was drinking, I had a favorite drinking game.

"It was called, 'Leave me the fuck alone.'

"The rules were real simple.

"All you needed was a pack of Marlboro Reds,

"a Jack Daniel's On the Rocks,

"Actually, that's all I needed.

"All you needed was leave me the fuck alone."

"Scientists at the University of Virginia have discovered

"how crickets make those noises when they rub their legs together.

"Turns out crickets are wearing tiny little corduroy pants."

"I'm really afraid of falling down, so..."

"My doctor told me I have to wear a helmet now.

"...but I don't want to look ridiculous.

"So, I carry a skateboard under my arm."

"I just paid off my student loans."

When he says, "catch these hands."

"I ride the metro bus..."

You know, when he talks about how he's twerking.

"You can't tell right now. But I'm twerking."

"So, I just broke up with my boyfriend, Lori.

"He was super into role playing in the bedroom.

"This one time he dressed up as Batman

"and I was Alfred."

"I quit smoking, used the patch.

"Every time I want a cigarette, I just kind of... I rub the patch... The patch...

"This is my blowjob patch, this is a cigarette patch.

Uh, you know...

There's more to that bit, but I don't remember.

I called Danny Rios in San Diego

and he was like, "I don't remember it, whatever."

When he was talking about his drinking days.

When he was blackout drunk, woke up on the front lawn of a yard sale,

and two guys are haggling over his unlit cigarette.

He sits down, he says,

"The hardest part about stand-up comedy

"used to be the comedy."

He said, "I met the love of my life, Lori, at the bar.

"I fell off my bar stool, and when I hit the ground she was already there."

"So I was dating a girl much younger than me, Lori.

"And when I met her, I bumped into her in a bar and she goes,

"WTF?' I was like, 'No, AARP.'"

"I don't have a car, but at my age,

"I get to ride the metro bus for free.

"So, ladies, I could be anywhere in the city in four and a half hours."

"I asked the host one time at a show

"'How much time I got left?' and the host said,

"'It can't be much.'"

I never laughed harder in my life for five minutes.

That's my favorite.