Original subtitles

(Music begins)

(Dialogue inaudible)

(Maurice sighs)

l'm sorry.

You stole my death.

l couldn't believe it. l thought...

why is he dying?

l die.

Today is my day to die.

l was really, really confused.

-Aah! -Aah!

Did you think that you were supposed to die?

l was confused.

Uh, l was unsure, and l made a choice.

MAURlCE: Aah!

Aah! l'm hit!

But didn't you see that l was dying?

-Aah! -Aah!

-Aah! -Aah!

l did. l did, but...

-l did, but-- -But what?

Arthur...

it was just because...

your pau-- The pause was just so long.

-Aah! -Aah!

And good. And good.

lt was such a good, long pause that l was just unsure.

l became unsure.

Well, it felt good.

-Oh, no, it was good. -Really?

MAURlCE: Oh, you were good. Very.

ARTHUR: Well, then, Maurice, l don't understand.

What...

l...

Because it was so good...

l became unsure.

l'm really so, so sorry.

-No, it's all right. -No. l just feel terrible.

lt's OK. Don't. lt's OK.

lt's OK.

l'm sorry. l didn't--

lt's OK.

lt's all right.

lt's OK.

(Music swells)

MAURlCE: Happy.

Frightened.

Ecstatic.

Good. Switch.

ARTHUR: Fortunate.

No hands.

Make it simple. Keep it clean.

Give it to me again.

ARTHUR: Fortunate.

-Hands. -No hands.

ARTHUR: Fortunate.

Ah, there you go. There you go. There you go.

Uh...

disturbed.

-Not mentally disturbed. -Oh.

ARTHUR: Disturbed.

Not emotionally disturbed, but sort of spiritually disturbed.

But on a smaller level.

Ah, there you go. There you go.

Subtle as a sphinx. Switch.

Excited.

That's it for me.

What's the matter?

No, Maurice, l...

l can't.

l'm going to die if we don't get work.

MAURlCE: l'm so hungry.

ARTHUR: What are we going to do?

(Maurice sighs)

MAURlCE: l don't know.

Arthur...

we might just have to look for other work.

We might just have to look for other jobs.

ARTHUR: Other jobs?

Beggars can't be choosers, Arthur.

ARTHUR: Are you calling us beggars?

MAURlCE: We will be if we don't get jobs.

ARTHUR: Beggars.

(English accent) Please, sir, l want some more.

You see, sir, l've not eaten for fourteen days...

since me mum died of the group.

-Croup. -Croup.

Of the croup she died...

leaving me and my mentally ill brother here...

to fend for ourselves.

Murdered, she was, in her bed by one of her johns.

You see, she sold herself to feed us.

She compromised herself for our sakes...

and here we are, left alone and hungry and homeless.

And my poor brother needs a brain operation...

and my glaucoma's getting worse...

and, sir? Sir? Sir?

Are you there, sir?

Aah!

l can't see you, sir. l can't see you, sir!

Aah! Aah!

l'm blind!

Aah!

(Music swells)

So, how we doing?

-Great. -Good.

Now, this is just a formality.

l want you both. lt's just a matter of who plays what part.

You mean you want us in the play?

DlRECTOR: Yes, and if l say too much...

forgive me, but having written and lived it for 18 years...

and now directing it, along with my wife who's producing...

l think l know it pretty well.

But there's always something new you can learn.

So l just want to say about these characters...

that they once loved each other, but now they hate each other...

but underneath, love, but on top, hate.

Love, hate. So, see what l'm saying?

ARTHUR AND MAURlCE: Yeah, sure. Love, hate.

DlRECTOR: Yes. Love, hate, love, hate.

Love, hate, love, hate.

-Love. -Hate, love, hate.

Love, hate, love, hate.

ARTHUR: Love, hate, love, hate.

Love--Th-th-th-- Whenever you're ready, go.

MAURlCE: OK.

(Both giggling)

BOTH: Do you want to be the guy--

Do you want to be the guy who dies first?

-lt doesn't matter to me. -Why don't you go?

-Are you sure? -Yeah.

ARTHUR: Excuse me. Do you have a preference who dies first?

Couldn't care less.

ARTHUR: OK. l don't care.

(Whispering) Actually, do you mind if l die second?

'Cause l'm a little not ready, OK?

-Good, good. -OK. Go ahead.

(Arthur clears throat)

ARTHUR: (French accent) What a fool you are, Alan.

MAURlCE: (English accent) No, Latour. You are a fool.

ARTHUR: Me? Moi? Ha!

lt is not l who is soon to breathe his final breath.

MAURlCE: True, but l am not afraid, Latour...

for with that breath l will inhale hope.

Hope because l know there are others like me, Latour...

who will soon come, and from whom a pure light will shine...

and blind the devils of this world.

-Aah! -Aah!

BOTH: Ahh.

MAURlCE: Uhh!

(Maurice choking)

MAURlCE: Oh, father.

Um, now switch parts.

ARTHUR: That was good.

-Perfect. -No, it was very good.

(Telephone rings)

Yello. Oh, hi, hon.

Keep going. lt's my wife, the producer.

Hi, hi. What's up?

lt's going well, it's going well.

MAURlCE: What a fool you are, Alan.

DlRECTOR: l said l was sorry, and l meant it.

MAURlCE: Me? Moi? Ha!

DlRECTOR: l'm not going to behave like that anymore.

Where are you?

What are you doing with him?

You what?

You're saying to me that you're leaving me for him?

This is what you're saying to me?

Well, yes, naturally, l'm shocked.

Of course l'm shocked.

Does this mean you're pulling your money out of the show?

No, no, l will not find anybody else to put money in this play.

Everyone thinks it's a piece of shit.

Where are you now? Because l'm coming down.

l'm going to bite out both your throats!

(Music swells)

-So l insult him? -Yeah.

ARTHUR: Tell him you think his pastries are no good.

-Oh, good idea. -Yeah.

Say that they're stale, all right?

Hey, buddy, your pastries are stale.

Right, but don't say buddy. Just say...

-Your pastries are stale. -Your pastries are stale.

-l can do it. -OK. Then...

-You'll come to his defense. -l'll come to his defense.

And then...

He'll reward you with a cornucopia of delicacies.

-Right. -Which you will share with me.

ARTHUR: All right, good. But be--you know. OK?

-Small. -Small.

You, too.

-Good day, sir. -Good day.

Everything is made fresh?

Yes, sir. l make everything myself, fresh every day.

-Oh, every day? -Every day.

-Good day. -Good day, sir.

-Good day. -How do you do?

-Every single day? -Every single day.

MAURlCE: Well...

even these cream puffs are fresh?

They look stale to me.

BAKER: You may taste if you like.

Taste?

lf l must.

(Clears throat)

l hate them.

Oh, l'm sorry.

To each his own.

There's another bakery shop down the block...

whose wares might be more to your liking.

Thank you for coming in. May l help you, sir?

Yes. Would you excuse me a moment?

l couldn't help but overhear. Excuse me, sir...

but may l say that your rudeness...

to this hard-working gentleman is uncalled for?

-Please, sir. -l beg your pardon.

ARTHUR: No, l beg yours, sir.

This gentleman is one of the finest pastry chefs...

on the eastern seaboard.

-Well, thank you. -You're welcome.

-Do l know you? -Of course you do.

MAURlCE: What's your point?

ARTHUR: You would not know a good cream puff...

if it jumped up and licked you on the ass.

BAKER: lt's just a difference in taste.

ARTHUR: No. This man is clearly an imbecile.

MAURlCE: Ah, an insult!

-l'm insulted? -Yes!

-l'm insulted! -Fine. Good!

MAURlCE: Well, l am !

ARTHUR: l'm sure you're not as insulted as him.

-l'm not insulted. -Oh, yes, you are!

ARTHUR: The man works all day to support his miserable family.

BAKER: My family isn't miserable. We're quite happy.

ARTHUR: No, you're not!

You're miserable and pathetic. Look at you.

BAKER: Well, l...

All day working like a lackey from rise to set...

sweating in the eye of Phoebus.

l love my work.

No, you don't! My God, how could you?

-Are you insulting him? -No, you are!

That's what l thought!

Oh, how it grieves me...

to see a man living the life of a dog...

and treated worse than a dog by a bourgeois pig!

BAKER: You don't even know this gentleman.

ARTHUR: Oh, l know him ! l knew them all!

Puppeteers. And you, the poor, sweaty, blue-collared bumpkin...

at the end of their strings.

What a fool you are!

-l am not a fool! -Yes, you are!

MAURlCE: You shouldn't talk to that gentleman this way.

You like the cream puffs.

l don't like the cream puffs.

ARTHUR: Fuck the cream puffs!

This man is a slave and an idiot!

-Get out of here! -What?

BAKER: Get out of my shop!

MAURlCE: l'll handle this.

You've really said quite enough.

l think we've heard quite enough from you.

Begone!

(Door slams)

Sir, how can l repay you?

MAURlCE: Please. l did nothing.

BAKER: l insist. You came to my aid.

Well...

perhaps a cream puff?

No, no. You don't like them.

-Well... -l have something even better.

Two tickets to the theater tonight...

to see the great Jeremy Burtom as Hamlet.

Please, take them with my gratitude.

ARTHUR: Tickets to see Jeremy Burtom?

-That's what he gave you? -That's correct.

ARTHUR: Out of anything in the shop, he gives you tickets?

MAURlCE: Yes.

ARTHUR: Why didn't he just stab you in the heart?

MAURlCE: You tell me, Arthy.

ARTHUR: Burtom is the worst actor on the face of the earth.

MAURlCE: Yup.

That man is unwatchable.

MAURlCE: Yup.

ARTHUR: You couldn't pay me to go see that guy's Hamlet.

(Music swells)

l wanted to see how bad he really was.

l hear he makes a real fool out of himself.

You always learn from other people's mistakes.

Oh, yes.

-Right? -Please.

-Look at this crowd. -Unbelievable.

-l'll never understand it. -lt's criminal.

Hey.

Mike's in this.

-Really? -Mm-hmm.

ARTHUR: Oh.

Good for him. Good for Mike.

-Great for Mike. -Yeah. Oh, yeah.

WOMAN: Shh!

(Elizabethan music)

(Applause)

MAURlCE: Someone's put on a little weight.

ARTHUR: l hope they reinforced the stage.

MAURlCE: My God.

CLAUDlUS: And now my cousin Hamlet and my son.

GERTRUDE: Hamlet, why seems it so particular with thee?

HAMLET: Seems, madam? Nay, it is. l know not ,,seems.,,

'Tis not alone my inky cloak, good mother...

nor the customary suits of solemn black...

nor the dejected 'havior of the visage...

together with all forms...

moods, shapes of grief...

that can denote me truly.

These indeed seem...

for they are actions that a man might play.

But l...

have that within...

which passes show.

These...

but the trappings and the suits...

of woe.

BURTOM: Who is it?

MAN WHlSPERlNG: lntermission's almost over, sir.

STAGE MANAGER: Places for act two.

Places for act two.

(Swords clanging)

LAERTES: Ow!

HAMLET: Come for the third, Laertes. You do but dally.

-Who choreographed this? -l don't know. lt's so sloppy.

MAURlCE: lt's a mess.

HAMLET: Crazy boy!

Aah! You crazy boy!

Aah!

MAURlCE: What was that part?

ARTHUR: l don't know.

HAMLET: Come on.

LAERTES: Aah!

What the hell's he doing?

MlKE: Drunken son of a bitch.

Ladies and gentlemen...

it appears an actor, having missed a parry...

upset by his mistake, has vacated the stage.

Therefore, with your kind permission...

we will lower the curtain--

(Belches)

and regroup, as it were...

and then complete this...

the greatest of all of Mr. Shakespeare's plays.

l thank you.

(Audience murmurs)

MlKE: The man is vicious.

Wednesday, he stuck me-- right there.

ARTHUR: Where?

MlKE: Right in the rib.

Gertrude?

Almost killed her with a goblet.

MAURlCE: He's done it before?

ARTHUR: Oh, God. That's sick. That's just sick.

Sick.

MAURlCE: You let me at him.

ARTHUR: You know what really burns me up?

What really gets my goat...

is that Mike had such a great death coming up...

and he was cheated.

He was cheated, right?

That's the...

MAURlCE: Yeah, but, you know-- You want to know?

You want to know what l'd do in that situation?

-What? -l'd stop, center stage.

l'd turn. l'd wait for quiet.

ARTHUR: He's saying what he would do if he was you.

-Tonight. -l know.

MAURlCE: What you have just seen...

ladies and gentlemen...

is unprofessional behavior of an overrated...

undertalented, drunken hack...

named Jeremy Burtom.

He has blustered his way to success...

on the backs of the great supporting players for too long!

And it's time for us to make a stand and say no!

No, Burtom ! Begone!

lt is time for us to say, no, boozy boy!

Bye-bye, Burtom bad boy!

Hefty boy! Boozy, boozy boy!

Greasy boy! Saggy, farty boy!

Poke you! l poke you! l poke you!

Something like that.

Daah!

-Aah! -Aah!

(People yelling)

BURTOM: Come on! Come back here!

-Ooh! -Come back!

BURTOM: Come back here! Ooh!

Stop them ! Stop them !

They're trying to kill a genius!

(Dixieland jazz playing)

(Maurice and Arthur yelling)

REPORTER: There they go.

(Siren)

(Sirens)

-Too small. -What?

-Too small. -No.

-No, no, no, don't move. -Too small.

MAURlCE: Claustrophobia!

ARTHUR: Please.

(Muffled screeches)

-How about over there? -l checked over there already.

OFFlCER: Did you check the other side?

(Maurice hyperventilating)

ARTHUR: Shh!

-What's that noise? -You hear that?

OFFlCER: l don't hear nothing.

SECOND OFFlCER: You fart?

ARTHUR WHlSPERlNG: Shh. Please.

OFFlCER: All right, come on. Let's go.

(Both snoring)

(Ship's horn blows)

(Both snore)

(Ship's horn blows)

MAURlCE: Hey.

(Labored breathing)

-Arthy. -Ooh.

ARTHUR: OK. Come on.

Go slow.

(Ship's horn blows)

(Music begins)

MAURlCE WHlSPERlNG: What are you doing?

MAURlCE: Oh, God. We're outlaws.

(Ship's horn blows)

(Music plays)

MAURlCE: Let's get out of here. The place is crawling with cops.

ARTHUR: l know, l know. l have an idea. Come on.

MElSTRlCH: Ladies.

(German accent) One-ten, Oceano.

Why are we standing around, please?

(Snaps fingers)

LlLY: These go to stateroom 40, and that goes to 15.

Thanks, girls.

So, Lily, everything is in order?

-Yes, Meistrich. -Good.

You are so good at what you do, Lily.

Thank you.

MElSTRlCH: So good.

Thanks, Meistrich.

MElSTRlCH: So sweet.

Thanks.

MElSTRlCH: So...

Oh, Lily.

When l'm with you, l feel like a young schoolboy again...

full of hope and wonder--

like a young bud in springtime waiting to blossom.

-Well... -Your face...

Your hands...

Your beautiful, snow-white hands.

(Singing) Lil, Lil, Lil, Lily, ly

Lily, Lil, Lil, Lil--

LlLY: Marco.

MARCO: (ltalian accent) Hi. Um, excuse me.

Hi, Meistrich. Could l talk to you for a second?

-Actually, no. -Please, Meistrich.

Just one minute.

-Hi, Marco. -Hey.

LlLY: How are you? You look so handsome.

MARCO: Thank you. Did you get my flowers?

LlLY: Yes. l was hoping they were from you.

-There was no card. -Oh.

MARCO: No. l wanted to talk to you in person...

because, Lily...

l just wanted to tell you that...

w--

MARCO WHlSPERlNG: But l wanted to tell you that...

MAN: Ohh! Aah!

MElSTRlCH: Why don't you watch what you're doing, hmm?

Make a mistake like that next time...

and l'll chop off your hands and let you drown in your own blood!

Are you two finished with your little tete-a-tete?

Because there is work to do.

lf we don't work, we'll lose our jobs, yes?

LlLY: Yes. Right away, Meistrich.

Good-bye, Marco.

-OK. -OK.

MARCO: Bye-bye.

MElSTRlCH: Tschuss.

Lily...

will you dance with me tonight at the ball?

l have something l want to say to you.

-Well-- -Excellent!

MElSTRlCH: Until tonight?

(Music resumes)

(Applause)

Thank you.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

(Both gasp)

BURTOM: Thank you. Thank you.

MAURlCE: lt's Burtom ! lt's him !

-l know. -What are we going to do?

ARTHUR: Let's get out of here quick.

BURTOM: ...having been abused yesternight...

by a band of ruffians...

l thwarted an attempt on my life...

by these incompetent scofflaws single-handedly.

MAN: Bravo. Wonderful. Good job.

BURTOM: As for myself, l hope that...

the salt air will heal my wounds...

and the motion of the cool, green sea...

soothe my tortured soul.

Thank you and bon voyage to us all.

WOMAN: Bon voyage.

PANCETTA: Mr. Sparks, what an honor it is to have you here.

l'm Pancetta Leaky, the ship's social director.

FlRST MATE: Welcome aboard, Mr. Sparks.

Congratulations on your last match.

SPARKS: (Scottish accent) Thank you very much, good fella.

FlRST MATE: Ow.

Do you feel that grip?

l do, sir. l do.

SPARKS: Powerful enough to snap the neck of a small beast...

and yet sensitive enough...

to caress the tender throat of a young castrato--

coax a song from him.

Good for you.

That is why l win.

l'm sure it is, sir. Enjoy your voyage.

Oh, l will. l will.

l'll help you with your bags.

FlRST MATE: Mrs. Essendine, it's a pleasure to see you.

How delighted we were to see your name on the passenger list.

And l was sorry to hear about the death of your husband.

He was the most generous of men.

That he was. That he was.

Wait. Wait.

Can this be Emily?

She has blossomed so.

MRS. ESSENDlNE: Thank the gentleman, Emily.

(Croaks) Thanks.

(Music resumes)

MRS. ESSENDlNE: Stewards. Stewards.

Give us a hand here, please.

(Both gasp)

(Music resumes)

MElSTRlCH: Gentlemen, is there a problem?

(Music resumes)

(Bag drops)

-l have it, Arthy. -Oh, OK. Thank you.

ARTHUR: Thank you.

MRS. ESSENDlNE: Ohh!

-Aah! -Ohh!

(Music resumes)

BOTH: Ohh.

ARTHUR: OK.

OK.

(Music resumes)

LlLY: Excuse me.

Are you lost?

-Yes. -No.

Do you work on this ship?

MAURlCE: l'm innocent.

l'm not a thespian thug. l'm a good man.

ARTHUR: Can you help us?

Please, ma'am? The ship's about to leave.

MAN ON P.A.: All ashore that are going ashore!

All ashore that are going ashore!

MElSTRlCH: There is desperation in these little footsteps.

Lily, your cheeks are flushed. Your breasts heave.

May l ask where is the fire?

No, there's no fire, Meistrich. A passenger needs help.

Oh?

(Ship's horn blows)

Two minutes to departure?

MElSTRlCH: l don't recall hiring you two.

LlLY: l didn't, either, but, you know--

BURTOM: Stewards! lt appears my steamer is stuck.

l require some assistance.

Unless, of course, you're all too busy...

like every other bloody steward on this bloody ship!

Absolutely, sir.

Move!

(Claps hands)

BURTOM: Very good. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Hang on. There you go. Thank you very much.

Now, haven't l seen you two boys before?

Are you sure?

Weren't you employed once on the S.S. Normandy?

(Ship's horn blows)

-Ooh! -Ooh!

BURTOM: lt's you! lt's you!

MElSTRlCH: Halt!

(All yelling)

(Dixieland jazz plays)

LlLY: Psst! Psst!

(Music stops)

LlLY: OK, who are you?

-We're actors. -Actors?

-Just actors. -Actors.

LlLY: Would l have seen you in anything?

-Maybe. -Possibly.

LlLY: Movie actors?

BOTH: No, not yet.

LlLY: Jane? Put it in 13.

OK.

We're of the theater.

We're seeking new representation.

OK.

-Why are you stowaways? -We're not.

-We hid in a crate last night. -Escaping from the police.

For something that we did to that man that was an accident.

-He's famous. -He's a hack!

He's overrated.

Oh, you're the ones he was talking about!

BOTH: But we're innocent.

-l swear we didn't do anything. -We couldn't hurt a fly.

-We never meant it. -He's a big baby.

ARTHUR: We were at a bar. We drank too much--

admittedly so. Admittedly so.

MAURlCE: But l just was expressing an opinion--

it's a free country-- and he attacked us physically.

-The man is an animal. -He attacked us.

ARTHUR: Please, you have to help us get off this boat.

We'll do anything for you. Please?

MAURlCE: Will you please take us home?

OK. l believe you.

ARTHUR: (Sighs) Thank you.

What are your names? My name's Lily.

(ltalian accent) All...

aboard!

(Ship's horn blows)

(Music resumes)

-Paris? -Yes.

MAURlCE: That's the first stop?

Paris!

(Romantic French music plays)

The smoky cafes...

the Seine at dawn...

the clatter of the horses' hooves on the cobblestone...

the little ecole where l studied so hard...

the musk of the people...

the cri de la revolution.

-You know Paris quite well. -He's never been there.

Not physically.

LlLY: Someone's coming. ln here.

MAURlCE WHlSPERlNG: Too small.

Too small, too small.

-We gotta go. -Shh.

ARTHUR: No. You can't leave. He's slightly claustrophobic.

MAURlCE: lt's OK, it's OK.

ARTHUR: Shh, shh.

BURTOM: These men are vicious, inexorable dogs!

MElSTRlCH: What do you propose we do about it, Captain?

-About what? -The stowaways.

-Stowaways? Where? -Oh, good God.

MElSTRlCH: The two actors, sir. We must find them.

CAPTAlN: Yes, yes! Marco! Marco, go find them !

MARCO: Si, capitaine.

-Apprehend them. -Find them.

-lmprison them. -Torture them.

BURTOM: Everything. On your way. l want them dead or alive. Go.

-But-- -But what?

MARCO: l could never kill anyone.

-You'll fucking learn. -lt's really not that hard.

(Dixieland jazz resumes)

Marco.

(Fires gun)

Ohh! Ohh! Aah! l'm sorry.

LlLY: What are you doing with this gun?

MARCO: l'm sorry. l have to find the stowaways.

-Dead or alive. -What?

MARCO: Yeah. They want them really dead.

Marco, don't hurt the stowaways.

l don't want to. l mean, l couldn't.

LlLY: l know.

You could never.

(Romantic music plays)

Lily, l wanted to say before...

l mean, earlier...

that l think you...

are my...

You...

Marco, stop.

-l'm sorry. -lt's OK.

The stowaways are--

BURTOM: Still missing.

Come with me, inspector. Not a moment to lose.

(Record needle scratches)

MElSTRlCH: One of my men tried to soil your reputation.

l have corrected him.

But may l ask where you have been?

Looking for the stowaways like you, and l'm exhausted.

l will crush them for causing you pain.

Oh.

The danger of the chase has made you perspire.

lt has made me also...

moist.

-Lily. -Not now.

Meistrich, there's still so much to do.

You are so right, diligent Lily.

Forgive me. (Clicks heels)

Until tonight.

MAURlCE: Shoot. Arthur, we got to find a bigger room.

OK.

Oh, l'm sorry. Excuse me.

(Sobbing)

(Sad music plays)

(Sobbing)

QUEEN: Ohh.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

(Sobbing loudly)

Ohh!

(Speaking native language)

Ohh.

-ln here. -Ah, gentlemen!

SPARKS: Gentlemen, come in, come in.

Don't be shy. Don't be shy.

We are all men, are we not?

Men, men, men.

Where are your strapping colleagues with my bags?

No trouble. Gives us more time to get acquainted.

The male figure, gentlemen-- something to be very proud of.

lt is beautiful, and it is powerful.

Should be often exhibited...

and always, always celebrated.

Mmm.

Why, in ancient Greece--

Are either of you Greek?

ARTHUR: No.

MAURlCE: Well, yes. Actually, l'm half Greek.

SPARKS: Top half or bottom half?

(Sparks laughing)

(Both laugh along)

SPARKS: l jest, l jibe.

Perhaps we should wrestle sometime.

Do you like the taut roundness...

that exercise brings to the buttocks?

MAURlCE: Yeah.

SPARKS: Do you enjoy the warmth of the Mediterranean sun...

on that selfsame place?

l once wrestled a man on the steps of the Acropolis...

when the sun was at its height...

wearing only what God sent me into the world with.

Can you picture that?

That's where we'll wrestle, my semi-Grecian lad.

That's where l'll make a man of you.

OK, well, um...

it's been a real pleasure meeting you.

We do have to go now.

We have a lot to do on the ship...

as stewards on the ship...

and, um, thank you very much.

Um, good luck.

SPARKS: See you around the ship, lads.

ARTHUR: Oh, my God.

(Music resumes)

-Bon voyage. -Bon voyage.

-What do you want? -Oh, sorry.

(Music plays)

(Knock on door)

(Knock knock knock)

-What? -Mr. Franks.

PANCETTA: Sorry l gotta rush you.

We need you for rehearsal. l got your bag.

HAPPY: Hey, wait, wait!

Hey, hey, hey, wait!

ARTHUR: This one's open. Come on, quick. Come on.

(Maurice sighs)

(Toilet flushes)

SHElK: Oh, good. You are here to fix the gramophone.

l don't know what l was going to be doing...

if you did not come by.

l am not in the habit of fixing things.

l was listening to the music...

and then there was no more functioning, only silence.

And when she was singing no more...

l got so excited, l tried to pull it...

but l scratched it, and l hurt it.

MAURlCE: You did hurt it.

SHElK: Yes.

ARTHUR: Well, You shouldn't pull it.

SHElK: No, l know. l am now realizing this.

MAURlCE: Good.

ARTHUR: We will fix your gramophone...

but we have to go and get the tools.

Ah.

Pass.

MAURlCE: Pass.

ARTHUR: Thank you.

(Both gasp)

-lt's a new model. -We don't need tools.

-Hmm. -Hmm.

ARTHUR: There it is. You see it?

-lt's bad. -lt's very pulled.

ARTHUR: We may have to be here for a while.

MAURlCE: l know you don't know how these things work...

but they really shouldn't be pulled like that.

ARTHUR: No, they shouldn't.

SHElK: Excuse me.

Excuse me!

Maybe...

(Clap)

Ooh!

(Record plays)

JEAN LENOlR SlNGlNG: Parlez-moi d'amour

Redites-moi des choses tendres

What is it with this ship?

l don't know.

ARTHUR: Oh, my God.

MAURlCE: Sit tight, sit tight.

ARTHUR: What the hell is he doing?

MAURlCE: l don't know. Doesn't matter.

ARTHUR: Oh, my God, Maurice, we have got to get out of here.

Jesus. Look at him.

ARTHUR: He's coming over.

MAURlCE: Take it easy.

JEAN LENOlR SlNGlNG: Je veux encore

Ecouter ces mots que j'adore

Votre voix est si caressante

Que les murmures fremissants

Me bercent de sa belle histoire

Et malgre moi je veux y croire

Parlez-moi d'amour

Reditez-moi des choses tendres

Votre beau discours

Mon coeur n'est pas las de l'entendre

Pourvu que toujours

Vous repetiez ces mots supremes

Je vous aime

ll est si doux

Mon cher tresor d'etre un peu fou

La vie est parfois trop amere

Si l'on ne croit pas aux chimeres

Le chagrin est vite agueri

ll faut consoler...

Du coeur on guerit la blessure

Par un sermen qui le rassure

MRS. ESSENDlNE: Since my husband's demise...

my daughter is obsessed with pain, loss, and death.

She finds them romantic.

We don't find death.

lt finds us.

MRS. ESSENDlNE: lt's gonna find you in a minute.

Easy, easy, my dear, with that valise.

lt's hand-stitched leather.

Florentine.

lt bears the tatters of a Tuscan tryst.

-Another carcass. -Can it, Em.

-Will that be all? -Yes. Thank you, my dear.

MRS. ESSENDlNE: l'd tip you, but l'm clothing rich...

and cash poor at the moment.

See me at the end of the voyage.

(Mrs. Essendine sighs)

MRS. ESSENDlNE: Emily.

Though this is, perhaps, our last voyage of this kind...

given the tremendous blow to our finances.

EMlLY: You mean because Daddy--

Don't you dare to mention him !

That philanthropic cocksucker...

left all the money to the poor and not a dirty dime to me!

Oh, Mary, Mother of God, what have l ever done to you?

Life without money is no goddamn life at all!

You know that!

As l was saying...

this unfortunate turn of events notwithstanding...

l want our trip to the Continent to be a happy and hopeful one...

so put a smile on that lovely face...

and let's pray that this ship is overflowing with men of means.

(Both chanting)

BURTOM: God almighty, it's them !

lt's you! Get them ! Get them ! Get them !

Faster!

MARCO: Stop, please, please!

(Catches breath)

(Sighs)

(Panting)

(Door unlocking)

(Door unlocking)

Ohh!

(Running footsteps)

MARCO: l don't know where they went.

BURTOM: Find those bastards! Find them !

MAURlCE: Ohh.

(Radio static)

(French accent) Yes, this is Monsieur Lagasse...

in stateroom 10.

l would like two cognac.

Hennessy, s'il vous plait.

Merci.

(Knock on door)

Who is it?

MAXl: C'est moi.

l wasn't followed.

JOHNNY: (American accent) No problem with the passport?

MAXl: No problem at all.

JOHNNY: Aces.

So how's the French thing going? The accent?

MAXl: (French accent) Superb.

JOHNNY: What?

MAXl: (American accent) Superb.

JOHNNY: Oh.

MAXl: So we're all set, Johnny?

JOHNNY: Easy as pie.

MAXl: You'll make Mrs. Essendine fall in love with you?

JOHNNY: Essendine's a goose ready for cooking.

MAXl: Gonna make her marry you and put her dough in your names?

JOHNNY: Piece of cake.

MAXl: This lighter doesn't work.

JOHNNY: Cheap boat.

MAXl: And you'll knock her off, and all that dough will be ours?

-Candy from a baby, babe. -Oh, Johnny.

JOHNNY: You do the same with the sheik, Maxi.

MAXl: l'll wreck that sheik in two shakes.

-Then you'll slay him. -ln more ways than one.

JOHNNY: That's my sweet cookie.

MAXl: What are we gonna do with all that cash?

JOHNNY: What do you think, babe?

MAXl: Take it on the lam and scram to some far-off land...

and lead a life of bliss, Johnny?

JOHNNY: Regular bowl of cherries, babe.

-And you'll love me, Johnny? -What?

-And you'll love me, Johnny? -Like a bee loves honey.

-l'm so hungry, Johnny. -Me, too.

MAXl: Johnny, gobble me up.

Oh, Johnny.

Mmm, Johnny.

(Speaking native language)

JOHNNY: Touch me! Touch me!

(Maxi moaning)

Regina! Regina!

-Maxi! -Oh!

Blow! Blow! Blow!

Oh! Oh!

-Blow! -Oh!

-Blow! -Whoa!

Blow! Please blow! Oh, God!

(Horn blows)

Oh, get on with it!

Just a touch...

Ow! God, you ox!

Be careful!

Anything happens to this profile...

it's the death of my film career!

You don't have a film career.

l'm too fucking good to have a film career!

Those upstarts...

who the hell do they think they are, hmm?

Treating me like this, an actor of my caliber!

Ow! Go on, leave it, you fucking useless bastard!

Have they found those two boys yet?

No. l'll go do it-- Oh, God! Jesus!

The pain! Get me to the infirmary!

Sir, l think you're fine.

Oh, fuck you. l'm not fine, my lad.

l'm not fine. Just look into my--Ow, God! Ow!

Help me! Help me! You've blinded me!

Ohh!

(Music resumes)

-Maurice, listen! -No--no--

-What? -Shh!

There's a French couple. They're not really French.

They're down there. They're really from New York.

They're gonna kill a sheik and a rich lady.

-You're kidding. -No. We gotta do something.

-The first mate? -Yeah?

He's from another country. He's going to blow up the ship.

What?

When are the bombs set to go off?

Midnight.

Oh, my God, we're gonna die!

-Shh! -l don't want to die!

Listen, your dream has come true.

You'll have your great tragic death.

l don't want a real one!

Shh! Somebody's coming!

(Whimpering) No, no, no, no.

MAURlCE: Oh. Here we go.

Put this on. Put these on.

l want to see the doctor.

Sir, if l may say so--

Doctors...

l beg you...heal me.

l'm in your hands.

(Dramatic music swells)

(Dixieland jazz plays)

Help!

Heeelllp!

MARCO: Oh, my God! The stowaways!

Please don't try anything. l don't want to hurt you.

l mean, l could. l may be supposed to...

but l never really could...

so let's just be easy with each other.

MAURlCE: You don't have to worry about us, sir.

l just--l hate these things.

l just--l hate these things.

(Gunshot) Aah!

MAURlCE: Arthy?

Arthy.

Oh, my God.

Oh! (Sobbing)

-Maurice? -What?

Jesus!

Help me up.

Jee--

Oh!

ARTHUR: lt's all right. lt's OK.

How? Wha--

Jeez, Arthur, l really-- l really thought that--

-Did you? -Yes, l did.

-lt worked? -l think so.

Good. OK, Maurice, listen.

We gotta save the ship.

OK.

-Maurice? -Yes, Arthy?

-We must be brave. -l know.

We risk imprisonment and even death.

-Death? -Yes.

-Arthur? -Yes, Maurice?

The time has come to act.

(Orchestra playing upbeat tune)

(Applause)

-l need my bag! -Would you stop with the bag?

-You're on. -l need my bag! Miss Leaky!

And now, ladies and gentlemen...

the dulcet tones of Mr. Happy Franks.

(Sighs)

Shall we start the first number?

Yeah. ,,The Nearness of You.,,

lsn't that a little...

What?

Slow?

-Do you know it? -Sure.

-Then play it. -OK.

(Music begins)

lt's not the pale moon

That excites me

That thrills

And delights me

Oh, no

lt's just the nearness

Of you

When you're in my arms

And l feel you so close

To-- (Sobbing)

All my wildest dreams

Come true--

l need no soft lights

To enchant me

lf you'll

Only grant me--

The--

(Sobbing)

Thank you, thank you, Mr. Franks.

How about a warm hand for Mr. Franks?

(Sobs)

PANCETTA: Play something upbeat.

(Sniffles)

HAPPY: Triple bourbon, please.

WOMAN: l'm sorry.

Thank you.

EMlLY: Ohh.

l know your pain.

WOMAN: You seem so sad, Captain.

l'm always a little sad.

But why?

You're the captain of a big, beautiful ship.

You see...

on every voyage...

all my life l look for a woman l loved...

so long ago.

Almond eyes and the mouth of a cherub.

WOMAN: Hmm.

Oh, who's that?

He's turning around.

Good Christ, he's ancient!

But look at those rings.

Obviously he's loaded.

Oh, God. Wretched.

Probably drop dead before he gets here.

Waiter.

Evening.

(English accent) Good evening. Martini, please.

Right away, sir.

Oh, no, not in that glass. That glass.

-That is for display, sir. -lt'll do just fine.

-Should l have an accent, too? -What?

l don't know.

What kind of accent would it be?

l don't know. That's up to you.

How about lndian? l've always wanted to do lndian.

Yeah, but you don't really look lndian.

That's true.

(Bartender clears throat)

Oh! There we are. Thank you so much.

Very good man. Very kind. Thank you.

There they are.

JOHNNY: Pardon.

Oh, my.

Allow me to introduce myself.

l am Jean Lagasse, entrepreneur and poet.

Oh, charmant.

MAXl: (French accent) l would like a...

Grasshopper, s'il vous plait?

Forgive me. l do not speak very well English.

l am a French woman traveling alone unaccompanied.

Alone.

MAURlCE: We gotta do something.

ARTHUR: We gotta find the bomber.

-Mm-hmm. -First, look for Lil.

Gotcha.

Do you know the gentleman who stole your wife?

(Sighs)

Danny Sussman.

Excuse me?

He was my agent.

Some agent.

He was a great agent. l loved him like a brother.

l loved my wife like a mother and a hooker...

and look where it's got me!

Look! Alone, afraid...

and l just want to die!

Don't give up, Hap. You don't want to die.

(Ticking)

Sorry l'm late.

For what?

(Ticking)

May l get you some champagne?

Oh, too kind.

Garcon, champagne.

MAXl SlNGlNG: Parlez-moi

D'amour

Reditez-moi

Des choses tendres

Votre beau discours

La la la la la la la...

(Ting)

Abend.

Do you hear a ticking?

No.

Tick-tick-tick, like that?

No.

Hey, hey, the actor!

Boy, you look so bad.

BURTOM: l found them ! They tried to murder me!

-Who? -The stowaways!

Stowaways? Where?

Oh, God!

Gentlemen, you must help! l've found them !

-The stowaways? -Yes--

l told the captain, but he doesn't seem to understand!

You must do something. The detective, he's missing.

-Haven't seen him for hours. -Pity.

Meistrich, tell the crew to step up the search.

l will.

-Thank you. -Calm yourself.

-Thank you. -Not at all.

-Do you hear-- -No.

ARTHUR: God, where is she?

l don't know, Arthy. l don't know.

God, Maurice. We're gonna die.

Hey, there she is! Lily!

-Lily! -Come on!

SPARKS: May l have this dance, please?

l'll have her back in a jiffy.

(Ticking)

-The stowaways were spotted. -Where? Are they here?

No. They are still being sought out.

Did Marco find them?

Nein. He seems to have disappeared.

What?

May l have this honor?

Excellent!

That mouth...

the mouth of a cherub.

Could it be?

ls it she?

Amore mio...

My love!

(Gasps)

Are you you?

No, l'm not me.

Yes, you are.

Not anymore.

Since that night, l have longed for you.

And l for you.

Amore.

Amore. No.

Si. Si.

When we are dancing and you're dangerously near me

l get ideas

l get ideas

l want to hold you so much closer than l dare to

l want to scold you 'cause l care more than l care to

And when you touch me and there's fire in every finger

l get ideas

l get ideas

And after we have kissed good night

And still you linger

l kind of think you get ideas, too

Your eyes are always saying

The things you're never saying

l only hope they're saying

That you could love me, too

For that's the whole idea

lt's true

Lovely idea

That l've fallen in love with you

Shall l come to your stateroom at midnight?

Oh, yes. Yes.

Yes, again.

(Whispering) Hey.

He wants to kill you.

He's trying to kill you!

-(Kicks) -Oh, shit!

Please excuse me.

What a grotesque woman.

(Ticking)

Your eyes are always saying

The things you're never saying

l only hope they're saying

That you could love me, too

That's the whole idea

lt's true

Lovely idea

That l've fallen in love with you

Oh!

(Whispering) Lily! Psst!

Lily! Lily! Psst!

Lily! lt's me!

Arthur! lt's me! Lily!

Ooh! Ow!

BURTOM: Why don't you look where you're going?

ARTHUR: Terribly sorry. Please forgive me.

BURTOM: You're British! Thank God for that, old boy!

l've been drowning in this sea of Americans.

-Oh, sure. -They're all colonials.

Every man Jack of them.

-Now l've found you-- -Yeah?

-Let's go have a drink. -No, l'm fine.

l'm not a drinker. l'm a teetotaler.

MAURlCE: Oh! What the--

Was that your best shot, savage gypsy lover?

-Come to my stateroom. -Non, non.

l will give you things.

l will take them, but tonight at midnight.

ln my country, they kill the insane.

BURTOM: Where exactly in England are you from?

ARTHUR: Chester near Chichester-on-Manchester.

-Never heard of it. -Quite small.

Keep your eyes open, old boy. They could be anywhere.

Here we are. Bottoms up.

Oh, thank you very much.

Don't give up, Hap. Don't want to die.

Don't be afraid of love.

Don't kid a kidder, kid!

People are afraid of poverty, of war, of pestilence...

of not knowing who they are or what they want, of dogs!

And l say don't--don't fear these things!

They're not real!

You want something to fear? Do you know what to fear?

Love. Fear love.

Love is real, and it is terrifying.

lf you're gonna be afraid, be afraid when someone says...

l love you.

Je t'aime.

Ti amo.

lch liebe dich.

l--

l love you!

l love--

Oh! Ha! l think--

lt's you.

No!

lmpostor.

lmpostor!

lmpostor!

lmpostor!

lmpostor!

lmpostor!

lmpostor!

Unh!

lmpostor!

Arthy!

BURTOM: Stop them ! Stop them !

lmpostor!

l think l have been found out.

Our plan must be carried out now.

l will seize the queen and escape with her immediately...

then detonate the bombs myself.

Meet me in one hour at the appointed place.

This is Voltri, over and out.

We've been found out, Johnny. What are we gonna do?

Don't tell me we're gonna jump ship because l can't swim !

Come on.

BURTOM: lt was him ! l knew it!

The stowaway is an impostor!

Come on. Let's go and get those bastards!

We haven't been found out. They're the impostors.

Our cover ain't been blown. lt's business as usual.

Did you tell the sheik to meet you in his room?

l did, Johnny.

Aces. l'm meeting the old broad in hers.

Go seek the sheik. l'll catch up with you later.

Hey.

You knock him dead, kid.

You bet l will, Johnny.

Johnny? You're a genius.

Don't flatter me, babe. l don't know what to do with it.

l'm sorry, Johnny.

(Dixieland jazz plays)

Stop!

(Music stops, drumroll)

l'm a man!

And so am l!

(Dixieland jazz resumes)

Oh, my God!

Hey!

ARTHUR: Hold it!

Hi, Lil.

-Arthy? -Yeah?

-Can l be the man next time? -Sure. OK.

LlLY: Fellas, we gotta find the first mate.

Step on it, fellas!

Shh! Shh!

(Music stops)

(Sobbing)

Marco!

Oh, Lily!

l have done something awful!

Marco, these are the stowaways.

lt's nice to meet you.

lt's nice to meet you.

Oh! Madonna!

No! lt's OK!

LlLY: No, it's OK! Marco, these two are actors.

They are pretending to be the stowaways?

No, they are the stowaways, but they're actors.

So l didn't--You didn't die?

No.

l just pretended.

Very good.

Really?

Yeah--Wha--l believed you!

Thanks.

And you're an actor, too?

Yeah. Yes, l am also an actor.

Well, would l have seen you in anything?

lt's a possibility.

l mean, it's--

Do you think you have?

ARTHUR: lt's--it's hard.

-lt's been a-- -Tough stretch.

lt's been a little slow. lt's been--Yeah.

-But you know-- -lt's not--

The deck is kind of stacked against--

lt's a hard business.

lt's a tough business.

But what can you do?

We're on a tickin' ship, and she blows at midnight.

We've gotta go.

MARCO: Oh, my God! Why?

The first mate has planted bombs all over the ship.

He's a gardener?

What?

How many bulbs did he plant?

No, not bulbs. Bombs!

-Oh, bombs! -We gotta go!

ARTHUR: l got a plan!

MARCO: Wait!

Lily...

will you marry me?

Oh, yes, Marco. l will marry you.

(Romantic music swells)

(Record needle scratches)

Well, well, well.

So, now l see the real you, Lily.

Not only are you a two-timing harlot...

but you are a common criminal as well.

LlLY: l'm afraid so, Meistrich.

l guess you're not gonna love me anymore.

No. l love you more.

You are a wild beast, and l must tame you.

Rrowr!

Anngh.

Let's go!

(Dixieland jazz resumes)

EMlLY: Happy!

Happy!

Oh, Happy! Happy!

Please, Happy! l promise not to love you too hard!

Happy!

Happy!

Happy!

Happy!

l could love you, Emily... but l can't.

EMlLY: Please!

So long, kid.

Happy!

Ohh!

Happy!

Happy!

Happy! Please!

Happy!

Please! Happy!

-Oh! -Happy!

Madame Essendine, je suis arrive.

Not here. My daughter.

(Tango music plays)

Ha ha!

Leave no stone unturned, and a worm will be found!

Come, my queen, your people await you.

Allow me to escort you to your death.

Ha ha ha ha!

QUEEN: No!

Where are you, amore mio? Where are you?

Oh, that mouth! My whole life!

-Hey! -Oh! Oh!

-Bandit! -Ohh!

Bandit!

Woo-hoo.

Your Highness...

it is me.

Hello?

Your Highness?

Woo-hoo.

SHElK: Psst!

Your Highness, wait for me.

JOHNNY: Mon amour.

Mon amour?

Ah, mon amour.

MAXl: Your Highness?

Hello?

SHElK: Mon amour.

(Evil laughter)

QUEEN: Oh!

(Muttering in native language)

QUEEN: Oh!

(Shouting in native language)

Give me back my love!

My love! (Yelling in ltalian)

EMlLY: Happy!

HAPPY: No! l'm not Happy!

l'm miserable, and l want to die!

You must go on!

l can't go on. The show is over for this fella.

But l love you, Hap! Can't you love me?

l'd be afraid to try, Emily.

You can do it, Hap.

Sorry, kid... but l gotta go.

No! (Thud)

(Winches clicking)

(Dramatic music plays)

BURTOM: What's going on here?

MARCO: Oh, no! The first mate, he's gotten away!

Ha ha ha ha!

He's got the detonator! He's gonna blow up the ship!

She's right!

(Gasp)

l hold your ends in my hands.

For in my hands l hold...death!

The death of all of you...

and your confused, bourgeois lives!

With your deaths, we will tell the world...

who we are and what we fight for!

We fight to create a world where there will be no pretense.

Each thing will be what it is...

each man and woman will know who they are...

and all will be equal.

All masks will be removed, and we will have a single face!

One single face!

One single face!

One single face!

One single face!

One single face!

One single face!

(Gasp)

(Explosion)

(Fireworks)

(Piano playing)

Parlez-moi d'amour

Reditez-moi des choses tendres

Votre beau discours

Mon coeur n'est pas las de l'entendre

Pourvu que toujours

Vous repetiez ces mots supremes

Je vous aime

Vous savez bien

Que tant de fois je ne crois rien

Mais cependant je veux encore

Ecouter ces mots que j'adore

Votre voix est si caressante

Que les murmures fremissants

Me bercent de sa belle histoire

Et malgre moi je veux y croire

Parlez-moi d'amour

Reditez-moi des choses tendres

Votre beau discours

Mon coeur n'est pas las de l'entendre

Pourvu que toujours

Vous repetiez ces mots supremes

Je vous aime

(Dance orchestra plays)

LlLY: Fellas, l just have to ask you a question.

And you've probably thought of this...

but when the baker gave you the tickets...

why didn't you just sell them if you needed the cash?

l bet they were worth a lot of money.

Well, l'm glad you didn't, or we would have never met.

-Thanks, Lil. -Thanks, Lil.

-Would you like to dance? -Yes.

Excuse us.

Ah, love.

Yes, yes, yes.

MAURlCE: Ahh.

To life.

And its many deaths.