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1
00:00:02,535 --> 00:00:04,136
You guys. You guys will not
believe what just happened.
2
00:00:04,138 --> 00:00:05,270
On my way here, a taxi
3
00:00:05,272 --> 00:00:07,673
jumped the curb
and it pinned this old lady,
4
00:00:07,675 --> 00:00:10,009
and I-i just went into this,
like, crazy adrenaline mode
5
00:00:10,011 --> 00:00:11,477
and I somehow lifted it off her.
6
00:00:11,479 --> 00:00:13,112
Oh, my God, Ted,
your wrist.
7
00:00:13,114 --> 00:00:14,813
Oh, yeah, I guess
it's a little swollen.
8
00:00:14,815 --> 00:00:16,548
I must've strained it lifting.
No,
9
00:00:16,550 --> 00:00:17,950
I believe our dear
friend Lily was referring
10
00:00:17,952 --> 00:00:19,318
to your other wrist.
11
00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:21,286
The one wearing the
male birth control.
12
00:00:21,288 --> 00:00:22,654
I was gonna go with
13
00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:23,722
"chastity bracelet."
14
00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:25,958
God, is it possible
to love you more?
15
00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:27,526
Really?
Really? I just
16
00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:29,628
saved someone's life, and
you guys are focusing on this?
17
00:00:29,630 --> 00:00:31,230
Yeah, you know what,
guys? Leave him alone.
18
00:00:31,232 --> 00:00:32,398
All right,
he's a hero.
19
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:33,632
Thank you.
20
00:00:33,634 --> 00:00:36,001
Do you think that your
super strength came from
21
00:00:36,003 --> 00:00:37,636
wearing wonder woman's
magic wrist cuff?
22
00:00:39,340 --> 00:00:41,340
Yeah, I'll have you know
that because of this cuff,
23
00:00:41,342 --> 00:00:42,908
I have a date.
24
00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:44,076
With some hand lotion
and the Internet?
25
00:00:44,078 --> 00:00:46,512
It is possible
to love you more!
26
00:00:46,514 --> 00:00:49,081
She exists.
27
00:00:49,083 --> 00:00:51,683
And she's right outside.
28
00:00:51,685 --> 00:00:52,551
Great. Bring her in.
29
00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:54,153
You know what? It's so nice out.
30
00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:56,155
Why don't... why don't
we just all go for a walk.
31
00:00:56,157 --> 00:00:57,990
It's pouring rain, Ted.
I think it's pretty obvious
32
00:00:57,992 --> 00:00:59,691
she can't fit through the door. mm.
33
00:00:59,693 --> 00:01:01,994
She is a gorgeous,
athletic woman.
34
00:01:01,996 --> 00:01:04,096
"athletic"?
Sideburns, no cans.
35
00:01:04,098 --> 00:01:05,330
She is hot.
36
00:01:05,332 --> 00:01:07,166
So why can't
she come in, Ted?
37
00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:10,169
She can come in.
38
00:01:10,171 --> 00:01:12,504
In six and a half months.
39
00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:14,373
Wait.
Are you saying she's...
40
00:01:14,375 --> 00:01:15,441
twenty.
41
00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:16,575
And a half.
42
00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:17,643
Almost.
43
00:01:33,726 --> 00:01:36,595
Ah-ah! Hold up, guys.
44
00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:40,032
She had to bounce. Um,
a flash mob broke out in front
45
00:01:40,034 --> 00:01:42,601
of a line of Korean-Mexican
food trucks in williamsburg.
46
00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:43,635
The only thing
47
00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:45,204
that would make her
more of a 20-year-old
48
00:01:45,206 --> 00:01:46,939
is an ironic form
49
00:01:46,941 --> 00:01:47,973
- of transportation.
- Yeah.
50
00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:48,907
She's roller skating there.
51
00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:51,710
I don't know
which is more pathetic...
52
00:01:51,712 --> 00:01:53,712
that you're going out
with a 20-year-old
53
00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:56,582
or that you bought a leather
cuff to get a date with her.
54
00:01:56,584 --> 00:01:58,050
I didn't buy this
55
00:01:58,052 --> 00:01:59,051
to get a date.
56
00:01:59,053 --> 00:02:00,819
I just happened to be out
57
00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:02,121
catching up on
some Saturday afternoon
58
00:02:02,123 --> 00:02:03,589
leather cuff shopping,
oh.
59
00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:06,458
And she just happened to be
a leather cuff saleswoman.
60
00:02:08,596 --> 00:02:10,896
God, I am so glad I am
done chasing bimbos.
61
00:02:10,898 --> 00:02:13,165
Now that I'm engaged,
that whole part of my life
62
00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:14,800
just seems
sad and empty.
63
00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:16,001
I don't want this
to sound
64
00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:18,070
too harsh, Ted,
but you disgust me.
65
00:02:18,072 --> 00:02:21,807
Until a month ago, your
headboard had a lube dispenser.
66
00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:23,075
Uh, yeah.
67
00:02:23,077 --> 00:02:25,477
We got rid of that, okay? Yeah.
68
00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:26,812
Anyway, speaking of engaged,
69
00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:29,014
check out what got back
from being resized.
70
00:02:29,016 --> 00:02:31,950
Oh, my God.
Look at the size of that rock.
71
00:02:31,952 --> 00:02:33,352
Barney, you don't
72
00:02:33,354 --> 00:02:35,687
start with the
I-got-caught-cheating diamond.
73
00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:37,689
You give yourself
room to grow.
74
00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:38,690
It's a family heirloom.
75
00:02:38,692 --> 00:02:40,092
Yeah, I got
a few dirty looks
76
00:02:40,094 --> 00:02:41,660
from Barney's half-sister
over Christmas,
77
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:44,429
so I had to sit her down
and explain very respectfully...
78
00:02:44,431 --> 00:02:45,631
that she can suck it.
79
00:02:45,633 --> 00:02:46,465
Okay.
80
00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:47,499
I got to bounce.
81
00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:48,367
Stop saying that.
82
00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:50,202
This dj from Dubai is spinning
83
00:02:50,204 --> 00:02:52,004
at an abandoned loading dock
in bushwick.
84
00:02:52,006 --> 00:02:53,839
I'm worried I don't
have enough layers.
85
00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:55,307
So what if my friends
86
00:02:55,309 --> 00:02:56,942
thought it was doomed?
87
00:02:56,944 --> 00:02:59,111
I was still young, and I knewthat a night of partying
88
00:02:59,113 --> 00:03:00,612
with a girlover a decade younger than me
89
00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:02,147
would be a total...
90
00:03:02,149 --> 00:03:04,850
...disaster. She's like
an entirely different species.
91
00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:08,320
And I definitely didn't
have enough layers.
92
00:03:08,322 --> 00:03:10,889
I didn't understand halfthe words she was saying.
93
00:03:10,891 --> 00:03:14,226
To me, it all soundedlike hipster mad libs.
94
00:03:14,228 --> 00:03:15,794
Didn't you check your phone?
95
00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,963
I just "means of contacting" you
96
00:03:17,965 --> 00:03:20,132
on "currently hot
social networking site."
97
00:03:20,134 --> 00:03:21,133
the show's been moved
98
00:03:21,135 --> 00:03:21,900
to "New York neighborhood"
99
00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:23,101
you've never heard of."
100
00:03:24,070 --> 00:03:28,140
oh. Wow, my phone has a clock.
101
00:03:28,142 --> 00:03:31,543
And they subsist on a diet ofpointlessly weird combinations.
102
00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:32,678
Ooh.
103
00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:34,346
Hey, do you want to split
a kimchi cupcake
104
00:03:34,348 --> 00:03:35,514
with bacon frosting?
105
00:03:35,516 --> 00:03:37,149
They are the best here.
106
00:03:37,151 --> 00:03:38,717
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, that'll go great with my
107
00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:40,552
cucumber jalapeño
egg cream.
108
00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:41,820
Chug it! Come on. Come on.
109
00:03:41,822 --> 00:03:43,121
We got to get going.
Right. Okay.
110
00:03:46,926 --> 00:03:48,927
Then later, at a clubin Chinatown
111
00:03:48,929 --> 00:03:51,063
somehow locatedbeneath a manhole cover,
112
00:03:51,065 --> 00:03:52,164
it got weird.
113
00:03:52,166 --> 00:03:53,565
God, I just love those
114
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,968
tiny gray hairs
in your eyebrows.
115
00:03:56,703 --> 00:03:59,004
Old men are so sexy.
116
00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:01,840
All right, to be fair,
117
00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:04,343
some of those gray hairs
were dried egg cream.
118
00:04:04,345 --> 00:04:05,611
Turns out, when you
119
00:04:05,613 --> 00:04:06,912
projectile vomit on skates,
120
00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:08,013
you roll right into the spray.
121
00:04:08,015 --> 00:04:10,549
Wait, how old does
she think you are?
122
00:04:10,551 --> 00:04:12,251
So, were you in Vietnam?
123
00:04:13,254 --> 00:04:15,020
Hold that groan.
124
00:04:16,023 --> 00:04:19,057
Charlie was everywhere.
125
00:04:19,059 --> 00:04:21,093
She's hot! She likes old guys!
126
00:04:21,095 --> 00:04:25,364
Anyway, when we got out
on the dance floor, th...
127
00:04:25,366 --> 00:04:28,066
I swear, this is what all
the 20-year-olds looked like...
128
00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:35,641
I want to thank you for your
service to this nation, private.
129
00:04:35,643 --> 00:04:37,075
Colonel.
130
00:04:37,077 --> 00:04:37,609
Aw.
131
00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,211
I got to end this.
132
00:04:39,213 --> 00:04:40,879
Yeah, seriously, Ted.
133
00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:43,415
Pretending to be someone else
just to get laid?
134
00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:45,117
That's...
embarrassing.
135
00:04:45,119 --> 00:04:46,318
Your highness!
136
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:48,387
Let's go.
137
00:04:49,756 --> 00:04:51,056
Ew. Marshall,
take that off.
138
00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:53,425
What? I think it looks
kind of cool.
139
00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:54,826
Cool?
140
00:04:54,828 --> 00:04:57,796
You look like one of those jerks
who's in some lame band
141
00:04:57,798 --> 00:05:01,933
and rides a motorcycle without
a helmet and has a wallet chain
142
00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:04,069
and neck tattoos
and a drug problem.
143
00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:05,971
Not a... a big one, just, uh...
144
00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:09,574
enough that he deals a little
bit on the side, and...
145
00:05:09,576 --> 00:05:12,944
he can never...
ever be true to one woman.
146
00:05:12,946 --> 00:05:14,946
Finish that damn pickle
and do me!
147
00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:21,620
Okay, you guys know how
my mornings usually go.
148
00:05:21,622 --> 00:05:23,088
Why would we care how...
149
00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:24,156
usually it's like this.
150
00:05:25,592 --> 00:05:27,526
After you.
151
00:05:27,528 --> 00:05:29,027
Aw, thank you.
152
00:05:33,966 --> 00:05:35,334
On the house, Robin!
153
00:05:36,669 --> 00:05:39,137
♪ take this bagel on the house
154
00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:41,373
♪ have a paper on the house
155
00:05:41,375 --> 00:05:43,141
♪ I'd give you a house
on the house ♪
156
00:05:43,143 --> 00:05:45,877
♪ if I could
157
00:05:45,879 --> 00:05:47,879
♪ you're so beautiful
158
00:05:47,881 --> 00:05:51,483
♪ everything in life
should be free ♪
159
00:05:51,485 --> 00:05:56,121
♪ it's so wonderful to be me!
160
00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:57,322
Mmm.
161
00:05:57,324 --> 00:05:58,857
Wow.
162
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:02,227
Do little bluebirds help you
get dressed in the morning, too?
163
00:06:02,995 --> 00:06:04,563
♪ she's exaggerating
164
00:06:04,565 --> 00:06:10,535
♪ to make a point!
165
00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:12,738
But today was different.
166
00:06:14,341 --> 00:06:15,640
That'll be $3.75.
167
00:06:15,642 --> 00:06:17,743
But I didn't have
to pay yesterday.
168
00:06:17,745 --> 00:06:19,311
Okay. $7.50.
169
00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:23,048
Oh, honey-sweetie-baby.
It's the ring, Robin.
170
00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:24,416
The ring has power.
171
00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:26,218
When a woman puts on
an engagement ring,
172
00:06:26,220 --> 00:06:28,387
it's like when bilbo baggins
wears the one ring
173
00:06:28,389 --> 00:06:29,554
in the hobbit.
174
00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:31,223
Okay, can you say that again
but not in nerd?
175
00:06:31,225 --> 00:06:34,059
Sure. Uh, the ring
is like the cloak
176
00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:36,328
that Harry Potter wears
to sneak around Hogwarts.
177
00:06:36,330 --> 00:06:37,863
Yeah, I don't speak virgin
either.
178
00:06:37,865 --> 00:06:40,365
The ring... it
makes you invisible.
179
00:06:42,669 --> 00:06:46,004
You're not precious.
180
00:06:55,382 --> 00:06:56,381
Oh, good, you're awake.
181
00:06:58,118 --> 00:06:59,351
Look, Ted,
182
00:06:59,353 --> 00:07:01,019
there's something
we have to talk about.
183
00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:03,422
Boundaries?
Invasion of privacy?
184
00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:05,424
Losing your key privileges?
185
00:07:05,426 --> 00:07:07,926
It's about the 20-year-old, Ted.
186
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,928
You have to bang her.
187
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,096
For me!
188
00:07:16,602 --> 00:07:17,736
Why do you want me to hook
up with this 20-year-old?
189
00:07:17,738 --> 00:07:18,970
I thought I disgusted you.
190
00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:20,806
Yeah, that was
all an act.
191
00:07:20,808 --> 00:07:23,141
Look, look, look, I love Robin
192
00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:25,310
and she's the only girl
I want to be with.
193
00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:29,281
But my body is detoxing
after years of one-night stands.
194
00:07:29,283 --> 00:07:30,282
They don't make
195
00:07:30,284 --> 00:07:32,984
gum or a patch for this, Ted.
196
00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:34,786
But, hey,
billion-dollar idea alert.
197
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:37,255
Oh, yeah.
198
00:07:37,257 --> 00:07:39,191
That's okay. I'll just buy
a new dream journal.
199
00:07:40,159 --> 00:07:43,895
What-what-what
are you looking for?
200
00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:44,896
Your phone.
201
00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:46,064
There's got to
be some pictures
202
00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:47,065
of her in here.
203
00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:48,633
Damn it. no.
204
00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:50,101
Those are all worthless.
205
00:07:50,103 --> 00:07:52,504
I need some one-night-stand
material, Ted.
206
00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:54,840
Oh. Oh. Here's your mom.
Hello, Virginia.
207
00:07:54,842 --> 00:07:57,943
Um, my mother is not
one-night-stand material.
208
00:07:57,945 --> 00:08:00,245
Yeah, you're right. It wasn't
night and we weren't standing.
209
00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:01,780
Hey-oh!
210
00:08:01,782 --> 00:08:03,081
That didn't happen.
211
00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:05,517
You're right. It didn't.
212
00:08:05,519 --> 00:08:06,518
You just winked.
213
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:07,819
No, I didn't.
214
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:08,820
You just did it again!
215
00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:11,323
Look, bottom
I need you
216
00:08:11,325 --> 00:08:13,291
to proxy bang this girl for me.
217
00:08:13,293 --> 00:08:14,493
Be my stand-in
218
00:08:14,495 --> 00:08:16,661
and put your gland in.
219
00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,663
Hey, wow,
that'd be good on a hat.
220
00:08:18,665 --> 00:08:20,131
Barney,
221
00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:23,335
she's just using me
for my gracefully aging body.
222
00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:26,037
You're picking now
to get some self-respect?
223
00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:29,941
You once banged a blind girl by
pretending to be Sean connery.
224
00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:30,976
That was you.
225
00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:32,811
Yeah, that conquest
226
00:08:32,813 --> 00:08:34,546
was most enjoyable.
227
00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:36,314
I'm sorry.
T-to hook up with a girl,
228
00:08:36,316 --> 00:08:38,550
I have to connect with her
at least a little.
229
00:08:38,552 --> 00:08:40,685
Then find a connection.
230
00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:42,153
Just go simple.
231
00:08:42,155 --> 00:08:45,156
Nothing about weird poets
or buildings
232
00:08:45,158 --> 00:08:47,993
or any of those stupid articles
you've ever e-mailed me
233
00:08:47,995 --> 00:08:50,028
with the subject line
"food for thought."
234
00:08:50,897 --> 00:08:52,964
please, Ted.
235
00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:54,499
I need this.
236
00:08:54,501 --> 00:08:56,034
Fine. You win.
237
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:57,068
I'll bang
238
00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:58,503
a hot 20-year-old.
239
00:08:59,373 --> 00:09:00,372
But I'm not gonna enjoy...
240
00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:01,473
oh, who am I kidding?
241
00:09:01,475 --> 00:09:02,674
It's gonna be awesome.
242
00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:05,744
Now, turn off the lights and go.
243
00:09:06,913 --> 00:09:08,980
Not all the way!
244
00:09:10,983 --> 00:09:12,984
Hello. Yeah, three...
245
00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:15,687
okay, normally New York
is the friendliest,
246
00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:17,856
most affordable city
in the world.
247
00:09:17,858 --> 00:09:21,059
Now it's as rude and expensive
as San Francisco.
248
00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:23,061
Guys?
249
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:25,063
Oh, hey, that's life
once you're engaged.
250
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:27,832
Oh, tell her, baby.
Make it hurt.
251
00:09:28,868 --> 00:09:30,068
I'll be at the booth.
252
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,937
My panties may
or may not be on
253
00:09:31,939 --> 00:09:33,738
when you get there.
254
00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:35,574
They won't be!
255
00:09:36,609 --> 00:09:38,610
Okay, what is going
on with you guys?
256
00:09:38,612 --> 00:09:40,045
It's the cuff.
257
00:09:40,047 --> 00:09:42,414
It turns out that picturing me
as a loser musician
258
00:09:42,416 --> 00:09:44,849
with a Vicodin addiction
and a beat-up van
259
00:09:44,851 --> 00:09:48,753
I use to steal copper wire
really turns Lily's crank.
260
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:49,788
Who knew?
261
00:09:49,790 --> 00:09:51,423
Whoa, what-what happened
to your wrist?
262
00:09:51,425 --> 00:09:54,426
Oh. It's an allergic reaction.
263
00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:55,961
So take it off.
264
00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:57,963
Robin, once you have a child,
265
00:09:57,965 --> 00:09:59,931
anything that gets you
even remotely close
266
00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:03,368
to the possibility of sex is
worth a few pus-filled blisters.
267
00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:05,837
Better the sores
weep than I.
268
00:10:06,939 --> 00:10:08,940
Hey, hold on. That
slut just got here.
269
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:11,042
How'd she get
beer already?
270
00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:13,044
Do you see a ring
on that finger?
271
00:10:13,046 --> 00:10:14,946
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
272
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,781
Are you saying that
this invisibility thing
273
00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:18,783
means I might not be able
to get beer?
274
00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:21,486
I was just getting used to the
idea of having to pay for coffee
275
00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:22,821
and bagels and rent.
276
00:10:22,823 --> 00:10:23,888
Rent?
But not being able
277
00:10:23,890 --> 00:10:26,157
to get a beer? Unacceptable.
278
00:10:28,595 --> 00:10:30,295
Excuse me.
279
00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:32,030
Hot girl coming through.
280
00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:42,140
Huh.
281
00:10:43,809 --> 00:10:45,010
Three beers, please.
282
00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:46,077
♪ take the...
283
00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:52,083
damn it, ring!
284
00:10:52,085 --> 00:10:53,852
Oh, y34h, b4by.
Mm-hmm.
285
00:10:53,854 --> 00:10:55,987
Later you should totally
go out and buy a switchblade.
286
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,455
Mm. Sure.
287
00:10:57,457 --> 00:11:00,291
While I'm out, maybe daddy
picks up some diapers
288
00:11:00,293 --> 00:11:03,628
and a little mild salsa
because we're low.
289
00:11:06,532 --> 00:11:08,299
Well, you're right...
290
00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:11,036
I'm invisible.
291
00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:18,043
That night, the only person
292
00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:21,146
in worse shape than Robinwas her fiancé.
293
00:11:21,148 --> 00:11:22,947
Ted, I'm desperate.
294
00:11:22,949 --> 00:11:24,949
Earlier today,
I saw that wrist cuff
295
00:11:24,951 --> 00:11:26,885
and I got a partial
for Marshall.
296
00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:28,553
Did you bang that girl yet?
297
00:11:28,555 --> 00:11:30,522
Don't get your hopes,
or anything else, up.
298
00:11:30,524 --> 00:11:32,157
I tried to connect with her,
299
00:11:32,159 --> 00:11:34,025
but everything
just comes back
300
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:36,361
to her weird fetish
about how old I am.
301
00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:39,731
Well, j-just go simple...
does she like TV?
302
00:11:39,733 --> 00:11:40,899
No.
303
00:11:40,901 --> 00:11:42,834
But I'll watch 60 minuteswith you
304
00:11:42,836 --> 00:11:46,037
as loud and as long as you want.
305
00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:47,138
Sports?
306
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:48,306
No.
307
00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:50,909
But I bet you look super hot
playing shuffleboard,
308
00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:54,212
just... slathered in bengay.
309
00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:55,714
Well, does she like books?
310
00:11:55,716 --> 00:11:57,082
No.
311
00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:59,217
But I bet you do.
312
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:00,485
Mm-hmm.
313
00:12:00,487 --> 00:12:02,687
I bet you have a big, thick
314
00:12:02,689 --> 00:12:05,023
pair of bifocals.
315
00:12:05,025 --> 00:12:08,026
She doesn't have daddy issues,
she has granddaddy issues.
316
00:12:08,028 --> 00:12:09,527
I'm ending it.
317
00:12:09,529 --> 00:12:12,764
Ted, I beg of you, don't quit
on a body that won't quit.
318
00:12:12,766 --> 00:12:15,066
Ooh, ooh, that'll go sweet
on a bumper sticker.
319
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:16,167
That's going in the journal.
320
00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:17,569
Wait, did you steal
321
00:12:17,571 --> 00:12:19,070
my dream journal?
322
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:21,539
No! Now, get back in there
before all your teeth fall out
323
00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:23,742
and you're naked in front
of shaker heights high school
324
00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:25,276
in a play
you never rehearsed for.
325
00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:26,878
Bastard!
326
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:29,714
We don't connect
on a single thing. It's over.
327
00:12:29,716 --> 00:12:32,117
It's not...
328
00:12:32,119 --> 00:12:33,752
look, carly, I got
to tell you something.
329
00:12:33,754 --> 00:12:36,421
I just, I don't see
a future here.
330
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,757
Oh, my God.
331
00:12:38,759 --> 00:12:40,825
Are you dying?
332
00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:43,828
Oh, that is so hot.
333
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,133
Hey...
334
00:12:48,135 --> 00:12:49,734
is that r2-d2?
335
00:12:49,736 --> 00:12:52,036
Do you like star wars?
336
00:12:52,038 --> 00:12:53,805
I love star wars.
337
00:12:53,807 --> 00:12:55,106
Me, too!
338
00:12:58,545 --> 00:13:01,045
I mean, I've only
seen the new ones.
339
00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:03,148
Close enough.
340
00:13:06,886 --> 00:13:09,120
So?
341
00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:10,054
Yeah.
342
00:13:10,056 --> 00:13:11,656
I knew it!
I could feel it.
343
00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:14,659
It's almost like we were
hooking up with her together.
344
00:13:14,661 --> 00:13:16,094
You felt that, right?
345
00:13:16,096 --> 00:13:17,428
I couldn't have performed
if I did.
346
00:13:17,430 --> 00:13:18,897
Don't you see, Ted?
347
00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:21,499
We had a bro-nnection.
348
00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:23,802
All right, I got to know
349
00:13:23,804 --> 00:13:25,236
what she looks like...
show me a picture.
350
00:13:25,238 --> 00:13:27,172
Well, normally,
I'm above such things,
351
00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:30,308
but it's been a while,
and, uh, Teddy's braggin'.
352
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:31,976
Okay, here she is.
353
00:13:32,611 --> 00:13:35,079
Okay. Scrolling up.
354
00:13:35,081 --> 00:13:36,481
Oh, yeah, those are
355
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:38,283
"plow me" heels. Nice.
Uh-huh.
356
00:13:38,285 --> 00:13:42,086
The knee bruise is encouraging.
357
00:13:42,088 --> 00:13:45,089
Working our way up
to those 20-year-old ta-tas.
358
00:13:45,091 --> 00:13:47,659
Oh... gravity's cruel grasp
359
00:13:47,661 --> 00:13:50,662
hasn't found you yet,
my sweet perky miracles.
360
00:13:52,199 --> 00:13:54,199
Now, let's get a gander
at dirty girl's face.
361
00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:55,200
Mm-hmm.
362
00:13:57,636 --> 00:14:00,405
Her face says, "ready to bone,"
am I right?
363
00:14:01,707 --> 00:14:04,676
I say again, am I right?
364
00:14:04,678 --> 00:14:07,979
That's my half-sister.
365
00:14:07,981 --> 00:14:11,950
Then you probably shouldn't
scroll to the next picture.
366
00:14:16,055 --> 00:14:17,856
No!
367
00:14:22,828 --> 00:14:23,895
That's my sister, Ted!
368
00:14:23,897 --> 00:14:25,330
Well, look,
I didn't know!
369
00:14:25,332 --> 00:14:27,131
None of us even knew
you had a sister
370
00:14:27,133 --> 00:14:29,000
until two years ago,
including you!
371
00:14:29,002 --> 00:14:30,902
This is just
some crazy coincidence.
372
00:14:30,904 --> 00:14:33,071
There are four million women
in the city of New York,
373
00:14:33,073 --> 00:14:34,806
Ted, and you sleep
with my sister?
374
00:14:34,808 --> 00:14:37,675
Why would the universe do that to me?
I don't know.
375
00:14:37,677 --> 00:14:39,744
It's not like you've ever
treated women in such a way
376
00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:41,145
that would invite some sort
of karmic retribution.
377
00:14:41,147 --> 00:14:43,514
You banged my sister!
378
00:14:43,516 --> 00:14:46,384
My sweet, little, innocent...
379
00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:48,019
pierced.
Really? Where?
380
00:14:48,021 --> 00:14:50,188
Don't answer that!
Now I know
381
00:14:50,190 --> 00:14:53,424
why I felt everything
you did to her last night.
382
00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:56,995
It wasn't a bro-nnection,
it was a sis-nnection!
383
00:14:56,997 --> 00:14:58,396
Oh, my God.
384
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:01,466
Ted... did you...
385
00:15:04,069 --> 00:15:05,870
big-time.
386
00:15:05,872 --> 00:15:07,005
Nice! High five!
387
00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:08,673
Wait! No! no!
388
00:15:08,675 --> 00:15:10,041
Retraction five!
389
00:15:12,545 --> 00:15:15,079
Hey, hey, you're the one
who begged for a proxy bang.
390
00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:16,881
And while we're
on the subject of family,
391
00:15:16,883 --> 00:15:19,450
I'm pretty sure you banged
my mom... mom beats sister.
392
00:15:19,452 --> 00:15:22,086
I never banged your mom.
393
00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:23,855
You just did
the winking thing again!
394
00:15:23,857 --> 00:15:25,623
No, I didn't.
395
00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:27,959
Fine. Hey, Barney,
let me ask you something.
396
00:15:27,961 --> 00:15:29,894
Were you, uh, feeling
a little sore this morning?
397
00:15:29,896 --> 00:15:30,995
Especially...
398
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:35,934
friendship over!
399
00:15:37,636 --> 00:15:39,203
Oh, yeah.
400
00:15:39,205 --> 00:15:44,409
Who's your guitar-player-biker-
who-couldn't-find-mild-salsa...
401
00:15:44,411 --> 00:15:47,879
but-said-screw-it-
and-went-medium bad boy?
402
00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:51,215
Marshall, your hand!
403
00:15:51,217 --> 00:15:53,151
Okay, I'm pretty sureit wasn't that bad,
404
00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:55,987
but this is how uncle Marshalllikes to tell the story.
405
00:15:55,989 --> 00:15:58,957
Oh, yeah, no,
that's the cuff.
406
00:15:58,959 --> 00:16:02,060
I'm woozy,
and I can't flex my fingers...
407
00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:05,263
...and the rotten fish smell
is getting stronger.
408
00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:08,099
But I'm learning to compensate
with my left.
409
00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:11,169
Is that why last night when
I asked you to honka honka me
410
00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:12,770
you only honka'd me?
411
00:16:12,772 --> 00:16:14,138
I didn't think you noticed.
412
00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:17,075
Snap's been jealous
of crackle all day.
413
00:16:17,077 --> 00:16:19,077
Just take the cuff off.
414
00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:21,346
No, but, baby,
then all the sex will stop.
415
00:16:21,348 --> 00:16:25,249
Marshall, you don't need a cuff
for me to find you sexy.
416
00:16:25,251 --> 00:16:26,918
All you have to do
417
00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:29,454
is smile, and I'm ready
for you to hop on pop.
418
00:16:29,456 --> 00:16:31,990
Thanks, baby.
419
00:16:31,992 --> 00:16:35,093
Are you too woozy to
do it one last time
420
00:16:35,095 --> 00:16:37,829
before we seek emergency
medical attention?
421
00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:39,664
Only one way to find out.
422
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:41,499
Mm.
423
00:16:46,271 --> 00:16:49,640
I'm sorry, bro,
I totally overreacted.
424
00:16:49,642 --> 00:16:51,342
You think?
I can't believe
425
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:53,344
you're allowed
to ship a dead possum.
426
00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:55,046
He died?
427
00:16:55,048 --> 00:16:58,149
That possum was supposed
to be an olive branch.
428
00:16:58,151 --> 00:17:01,619
Are you sure
he's not just playing dead?
429
00:17:01,621 --> 00:17:03,621
He smells like Marshall's hand.
430
00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:05,656
And wait, you-you forgive me?
431
00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:07,825
Absolutely.
Hey, I got a couple "cee-gars."
432
00:17:07,827 --> 00:17:08,960
get over here!
433
00:17:08,962 --> 00:17:12,030
All right.
So, where are those "cee-gars"?
434
00:17:12,032 --> 00:17:13,564
Eh, we'll break 'em
out in a minute.
435
00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:15,233
Hey, barn.
436
00:17:16,168 --> 00:17:18,036
Ted?
437
00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:19,971
Barney, what is
your sister doing here?
438
00:17:19,973 --> 00:17:21,906
Nothing, bro.
Or should I say,
439
00:17:21,908 --> 00:17:23,975
bro-in-law!
440
00:17:37,023 --> 00:17:38,322
Congratulations!
441
00:17:38,324 --> 00:17:40,992
You're marrying
my sister!
442
00:17:40,994 --> 00:17:43,961
And you spared no expense,
you big crazy!
443
00:17:46,832 --> 00:17:49,934
You know what?
I love Barney,
444
00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:51,102
but this ring thing sucks.
445
00:17:51,104 --> 00:17:53,371
Some gross guy just
brushed up against my rack
446
00:17:53,373 --> 00:17:54,939
and then apologized.
447
00:17:54,941 --> 00:17:57,341
And I think he really,
really meant it.
448
00:17:57,343 --> 00:18:00,711
Oh, sweetie, I know it's nice
to be groped by strangers,
449
00:18:00,713 --> 00:18:02,947
but nothing beats
the rush you get
450
00:18:02,949 --> 00:18:05,216
when that one special person
looks at you.
451
00:18:05,218 --> 00:18:06,884
It's true.
452
00:18:06,886 --> 00:18:10,922
Like here in this bar, there's
only one thing that I see,
453
00:18:10,924 --> 00:18:13,958
and I see her brighter
and more clearly
454
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:16,928
than anything else
in this world.
455
00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:18,896
You know what that is?
456
00:18:18,898 --> 00:18:20,264
That's love.
457
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,867
And possibly alcohol
458
00:18:22,869 --> 00:18:25,937
mixed with some
very powerful antibiotics.
459
00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:29,874
And that's how Barney sees you.
460
00:18:29,876 --> 00:18:32,343
And I know that's
how you see Barney.
461
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:36,547
I'd like
to start the service
462
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,716
with a passage
from Ted's dream journal.
463
00:18:39,885 --> 00:18:41,285
"drowning.
464
00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:43,287
"gasping for air.
465
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:45,423
No escape."
466
00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:47,992
wait, is that
about Vietnam?
467
00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:49,060
It's about whole foods.
468
00:18:49,062 --> 00:18:49,894
Barney.
469
00:18:49,896 --> 00:18:50,995
We are not
470
00:18:50,997 --> 00:18:52,063
getting married.
471
00:18:52,065 --> 00:18:55,166
And those aisles
are too narrow!
472
00:18:55,168 --> 00:18:56,467
But you two
473
00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:58,269
have to get married...
otherwise, it's just
474
00:18:58,271 --> 00:19:01,806
a cheap, meaningless,
disgusting one-night stand.
475
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:04,509
Wait, just to be clear,
you're saying you're opposed
476
00:19:04,511 --> 00:19:07,278
to cheap, meaningless,
disgusting one-night stands?
477
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:08,279
Yes.
478
00:19:08,281 --> 00:19:10,515
Barney... don't you see?
479
00:19:10,517 --> 00:19:12,517
Your detox is done!
480
00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:14,585
You're over one-night stands!
481
00:19:14,587 --> 00:19:17,021
Oh, my God, you're right!
482
00:19:17,023 --> 00:19:18,689
I'm free!
Yeah.
483
00:19:18,691 --> 00:19:21,926
So if you think about it...
but not too much...
484
00:19:21,928 --> 00:19:24,362
it's actually good that
carly and I hooked up.
485
00:19:24,364 --> 00:19:26,330
Yeah, it's really good.
486
00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:29,934
I mean, this guy goes at it
like he's still in his 50s.
487
00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:32,336
Hey, have a cigar,
you big crazy!
488
00:19:33,473 --> 00:19:35,139
Hey, don't try
to make this okay.
489
00:19:35,141 --> 00:19:36,974
You still slept with my sister.
490
00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:39,610
Promise me you will never,
ever do that again.
491
00:19:40,612 --> 00:19:42,480
I promise.
492
00:19:42,482 --> 00:19:43,781
You just winked.
493
00:19:43,783 --> 00:19:45,783
No, I didn't.
494
00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:47,618
You did it again!
No, I didn't!
495
00:19:47,620 --> 00:19:48,619
You swear, right?
496
00:19:48,621 --> 00:19:50,955
Yeah. Of course.
497
00:19:56,495 --> 00:19:58,529
Hey.
That night,
498
00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,565
even thoughshe still couldn't get a beer,
499
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:03,968
Robin realizedthe true power of the ring.
500
00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:11,042
Hey, Robin.
501
00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:13,144
Did you ever figure out
how you're gonna get
502
00:20:13,146 --> 00:20:15,012
a drink at the bar now
that you're engaged?
503
00:20:15,014 --> 00:20:17,648
Oh, sure. I know a way
that's gonna last forever.
504
00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:19,250
Scotch on the rocks?
505
00:20:19,252 --> 00:20:20,284
Coming right up.
506
00:20:26,358 --> 00:20:29,894
Now, before you say anything
about the hat...
507
00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:33,130
this new girl's ass
is phenomenal!
508
00:20:40,372 --> 00:20:41,906
Hey, Marshall,
you got to see this.
509
00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:43,207
The catalog must have
mixed up my order.
510
00:20:43,209 --> 00:20:45,042
You won't believe the jeans
they just sent me.
511
00:20:46,112 --> 00:20:47,778
Hilarious, right?
512
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:50,348
Totally.
513
00:20:50,350 --> 00:20:51,916
You look like some
514
00:20:51,918 --> 00:20:54,085
suburban mom
who drives a minivan
515
00:20:54,087 --> 00:20:57,255
filled with stale cheerios
and empty juice boxes...
516
00:20:57,257 --> 00:20:58,522
probably makes
517
00:20:58,524 --> 00:21:02,893
chili Mac and
frito pie for dinner...
518
00:21:02,895 --> 00:21:04,929
smells like that menthol
cigarette that she snuck while
519
00:21:04,931 --> 00:21:06,364
she was waiting
to pick her kids up
520
00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:08,666
from hockey practice.
Get over here!
36839
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