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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,535 --> 00:00:04,136 You guys. You guys will not believe what just happened. 2 00:00:04,138 --> 00:00:05,270 On my way here, a taxi 3 00:00:05,272 --> 00:00:07,673 jumped the curb and it pinned this old lady, 4 00:00:07,675 --> 00:00:10,009 and I-i just went into this, like, crazy adrenaline mode 5 00:00:10,011 --> 00:00:11,477 and I somehow lifted it off her. 6 00:00:11,479 --> 00:00:13,112 Oh, my God, Ted, your wrist. 7 00:00:13,114 --> 00:00:14,813 Oh, yeah, I guess it's a little swollen. 8 00:00:14,815 --> 00:00:16,548 I must've strained it lifting. No, 9 00:00:16,550 --> 00:00:17,950 I believe our dear friend Lily was referring 10 00:00:17,952 --> 00:00:19,318 to your other wrist. 11 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:21,286 The one wearing the male birth control. 12 00:00:21,288 --> 00:00:22,654 I was gonna go with 13 00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:23,722 "chastity bracelet." 14 00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:25,958 God, is it possible to love you more? 15 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:27,526 Really? Really? I just 16 00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:29,628 saved someone's life, and you guys are focusing on this? 17 00:00:29,630 --> 00:00:31,230 Yeah, you know what, guys? Leave him alone. 18 00:00:31,232 --> 00:00:32,398 All right, he's a hero. 19 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:33,632 Thank you. 20 00:00:33,634 --> 00:00:36,001 Do you think that your super strength came from 21 00:00:36,003 --> 00:00:37,636 wearing wonder woman's magic wrist cuff? 22 00:00:39,340 --> 00:00:41,340 Yeah, I'll have you know that because of this cuff, 23 00:00:41,342 --> 00:00:42,908 I have a date. 24 00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:44,076 With some hand lotion and the Internet? 25 00:00:44,078 --> 00:00:46,512 It is possible to love you more! 26 00:00:46,514 --> 00:00:49,081 She exists. 27 00:00:49,083 --> 00:00:51,683 And she's right outside. 28 00:00:51,685 --> 00:00:52,551 Great. Bring her in. 29 00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:54,153 You know what? It's so nice out. 30 00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:56,155 Why don't... why don't we just all go for a walk. 31 00:00:56,157 --> 00:00:57,990 It's pouring rain, Ted. I think it's pretty obvious 32 00:00:57,992 --> 00:00:59,691 she can't fit through the door. mm. 33 00:00:59,693 --> 00:01:01,994 She is a gorgeous, athletic woman. 34 00:01:01,996 --> 00:01:04,096 "athletic"? Sideburns, no cans. 35 00:01:04,098 --> 00:01:05,330 She is hot. 36 00:01:05,332 --> 00:01:07,166 So why can't she come in, Ted? 37 00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:10,169 She can come in. 38 00:01:10,171 --> 00:01:12,504 In six and a half months. 39 00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:14,373 Wait. Are you saying she's... 40 00:01:14,375 --> 00:01:15,441 twenty. 41 00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:16,575 And a half. 42 00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:17,643 Almost. 43 00:01:33,726 --> 00:01:36,595 Ah-ah! Hold up, guys. 44 00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:40,032 She had to bounce. Um, a flash mob broke out in front 45 00:01:40,034 --> 00:01:42,601 of a line of Korean-Mexican food trucks in williamsburg. 46 00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:43,635 The only thing 47 00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:45,204 that would make her more of a 20-year-old 48 00:01:45,206 --> 00:01:46,939 is an ironic form 49 00:01:46,941 --> 00:01:47,973 - of transportation. - Yeah. 50 00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:48,907 She's roller skating there. 51 00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:51,710 I don't know which is more pathetic... 52 00:01:51,712 --> 00:01:53,712 that you're going out with a 20-year-old 53 00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:56,582 or that you bought a leather cuff to get a date with her. 54 00:01:56,584 --> 00:01:58,050 I didn't buy this 55 00:01:58,052 --> 00:01:59,051 to get a date. 56 00:01:59,053 --> 00:02:00,819 I just happened to be out 57 00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:02,121 catching up on some Saturday afternoon 58 00:02:02,123 --> 00:02:03,589 leather cuff shopping, oh. 59 00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:06,458 And she just happened to be a leather cuff saleswoman. 60 00:02:08,596 --> 00:02:10,896 God, I am so glad I am done chasing bimbos. 61 00:02:10,898 --> 00:02:13,165 Now that I'm engaged, that whole part of my life 62 00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:14,800 just seems sad and empty. 63 00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:16,001 I don't want this to sound 64 00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:18,070 too harsh, Ted, but you disgust me. 65 00:02:18,072 --> 00:02:21,807 Until a month ago, your headboard had a lube dispenser. 66 00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:23,075 Uh, yeah. 67 00:02:23,077 --> 00:02:25,477 We got rid of that, okay? Yeah. 68 00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:26,812 Anyway, speaking of engaged, 69 00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:29,014 check out what got back from being resized. 70 00:02:29,016 --> 00:02:31,950 Oh, my God. Look at the size of that rock. 71 00:02:31,952 --> 00:02:33,352 Barney, you don't 72 00:02:33,354 --> 00:02:35,687 start with the I-got-caught-cheating diamond. 73 00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:37,689 You give yourself room to grow. 74 00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:38,690 It's a family heirloom. 75 00:02:38,692 --> 00:02:40,092 Yeah, I got a few dirty looks 76 00:02:40,094 --> 00:02:41,660 from Barney's half-sister over Christmas, 77 00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:44,429 so I had to sit her down and explain very respectfully... 78 00:02:44,431 --> 00:02:45,631 that she can suck it. 79 00:02:45,633 --> 00:02:46,465 Okay. 80 00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:47,499 I got to bounce. 81 00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:48,367 Stop saying that. 82 00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:50,202 This dj from Dubai is spinning 83 00:02:50,204 --> 00:02:52,004 at an abandoned loading dock in bushwick. 84 00:02:52,006 --> 00:02:53,839 I'm worried I don't have enough layers. 85 00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:55,307 So what if my friends 86 00:02:55,309 --> 00:02:56,942 thought it was doomed? 87 00:02:56,944 --> 00:02:59,111 I was still young, and I knew that a night of partying 88 00:02:59,113 --> 00:03:00,612 with a girl over a decade younger than me 89 00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:02,147 would be a total... 90 00:03:02,149 --> 00:03:04,850 ...disaster. She's like an entirely different species. 91 00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:08,320 And I definitely didn't have enough layers. 92 00:03:08,322 --> 00:03:10,889 I didn't understand half the words she was saying. 93 00:03:10,891 --> 00:03:14,226 To me, it all sounded like hipster mad libs. 94 00:03:14,228 --> 00:03:15,794 Didn't you check your phone? 95 00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,963 I just "means of contacting" you 96 00:03:17,965 --> 00:03:20,132 on "currently hot social networking site." 97 00:03:20,134 --> 00:03:21,133 the show's been moved 98 00:03:21,135 --> 00:03:21,900 to "New York neighborhood" 99 00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:23,101 you've never heard of." 100 00:03:24,070 --> 00:03:28,140 oh. Wow, my phone has a clock. 101 00:03:28,142 --> 00:03:31,543 And they subsist on a diet of pointlessly weird combinations. 102 00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:32,678 Ooh. 103 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:34,346 Hey, do you want to split a kimchi cupcake 104 00:03:34,348 --> 00:03:35,514 with bacon frosting? 105 00:03:35,516 --> 00:03:37,149 They are the best here. 106 00:03:37,151 --> 00:03:38,717 Uh, yeah. Yeah, that'll go great with my 107 00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:40,552 cucumber jalapeño egg cream. 108 00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:41,820 Chug it! Come on. Come on. 109 00:03:41,822 --> 00:03:43,121 We got to get going. Right. Okay. 110 00:03:46,926 --> 00:03:48,927 Then later, at a club in Chinatown 111 00:03:48,929 --> 00:03:51,063 somehow located beneath a manhole cover, 112 00:03:51,065 --> 00:03:52,164 it got weird. 113 00:03:52,166 --> 00:03:53,565 God, I just love those 114 00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,968 tiny gray hairs in your eyebrows. 115 00:03:56,703 --> 00:03:59,004 Old men are so sexy. 116 00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:01,840 All right, to be fair, 117 00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:04,343 some of those gray hairs were dried egg cream. 118 00:04:04,345 --> 00:04:05,611 Turns out, when you 119 00:04:05,613 --> 00:04:06,912 projectile vomit on skates, 120 00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:08,013 you roll right into the spray. 121 00:04:08,015 --> 00:04:10,549 Wait, how old does she think you are? 122 00:04:10,551 --> 00:04:12,251 So, were you in Vietnam? 123 00:04:13,254 --> 00:04:15,020 Hold that groan. 124 00:04:16,023 --> 00:04:19,057 Charlie was everywhere. 125 00:04:19,059 --> 00:04:21,093 She's hot! She likes old guys! 126 00:04:21,095 --> 00:04:25,364 Anyway, when we got out on the dance floor, th... 127 00:04:25,366 --> 00:04:28,066 I swear, this is what all the 20-year-olds looked like... 128 00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:35,641 I want to thank you for your service to this nation, private. 129 00:04:35,643 --> 00:04:37,075 Colonel. 130 00:04:37,077 --> 00:04:37,609 Aw. 131 00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,211 I got to end this. 132 00:04:39,213 --> 00:04:40,879 Yeah, seriously, Ted. 133 00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:43,415 Pretending to be someone else just to get laid? 134 00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:45,117 That's... embarrassing. 135 00:04:45,119 --> 00:04:46,318 Your highness! 136 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:48,387 Let's go. 137 00:04:49,756 --> 00:04:51,056 Ew. Marshall, take that off. 138 00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:53,425 What? I think it looks kind of cool. 139 00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:54,826 Cool? 140 00:04:54,828 --> 00:04:57,796 You look like one of those jerks who's in some lame band 141 00:04:57,798 --> 00:05:01,933 and rides a motorcycle without a helmet and has a wallet chain 142 00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:04,069 and neck tattoos and a drug problem. 143 00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:05,971 Not a... a big one, just, uh... 144 00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:09,574 enough that he deals a little bit on the side, and... 145 00:05:09,576 --> 00:05:12,944 he can never... ever be true to one woman. 146 00:05:12,946 --> 00:05:14,946 Finish that damn pickle and do me! 147 00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:21,620 Okay, you guys know how my mornings usually go. 148 00:05:21,622 --> 00:05:23,088 Why would we care how... 149 00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:24,156 usually it's like this. 150 00:05:25,592 --> 00:05:27,526 After you. 151 00:05:27,528 --> 00:05:29,027 Aw, thank you. 152 00:05:33,966 --> 00:05:35,334 On the house, Robin! 153 00:05:36,669 --> 00:05:39,137 ♪ take this bagel on the house 154 00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:41,373 ♪ have a paper on the house 155 00:05:41,375 --> 00:05:43,141 ♪ I'd give you a house on the house ♪ 156 00:05:43,143 --> 00:05:45,877 ♪ if I could 157 00:05:45,879 --> 00:05:47,879 ♪ you're so beautiful 158 00:05:47,881 --> 00:05:51,483 ♪ everything in life should be free ♪ 159 00:05:51,485 --> 00:05:56,121 ♪ it's so wonderful to be me! 160 00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:57,322 Mmm. 161 00:05:57,324 --> 00:05:58,857 Wow. 162 00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:02,227 Do little bluebirds help you get dressed in the morning, too? 163 00:06:02,995 --> 00:06:04,563 ♪ she's exaggerating 164 00:06:04,565 --> 00:06:10,535 ♪ to make a point! 165 00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:12,738 But today was different. 166 00:06:14,341 --> 00:06:15,640 That'll be $3.75. 167 00:06:15,642 --> 00:06:17,743 But I didn't have to pay yesterday. 168 00:06:17,745 --> 00:06:19,311 Okay. $7.50. 169 00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:23,048 Oh, honey-sweetie-baby. It's the ring, Robin. 170 00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:24,416 The ring has power. 171 00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:26,218 When a woman puts on an engagement ring, 172 00:06:26,220 --> 00:06:28,387 it's like when bilbo baggins wears the one ring 173 00:06:28,389 --> 00:06:29,554 in the hobbit. 174 00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:31,223 Okay, can you say that again but not in nerd? 175 00:06:31,225 --> 00:06:34,059 Sure. Uh, the ring is like the cloak 176 00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:36,328 that Harry Potter wears to sneak around Hogwarts. 177 00:06:36,330 --> 00:06:37,863 Yeah, I don't speak virgin either. 178 00:06:37,865 --> 00:06:40,365 The ring... it makes you invisible. 179 00:06:42,669 --> 00:06:46,004 You're not precious. 180 00:06:55,382 --> 00:06:56,381 Oh, good, you're awake. 181 00:06:58,118 --> 00:06:59,351 Look, Ted, 182 00:06:59,353 --> 00:07:01,019 there's something we have to talk about. 183 00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:03,422 Boundaries? Invasion of privacy? 184 00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:05,424 Losing your key privileges? 185 00:07:05,426 --> 00:07:07,926 It's about the 20-year-old, Ted. 186 00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,928 You have to bang her. 187 00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,096 For me! 188 00:07:16,602 --> 00:07:17,736 Why do you want me to hook up with this 20-year-old? 189 00:07:17,738 --> 00:07:18,970 I thought I disgusted you. 190 00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:20,806 Yeah, that was all an act. 191 00:07:20,808 --> 00:07:23,141 Look, look, look, I love Robin 192 00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:25,310 and she's the only girl I want to be with. 193 00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:29,281 But my body is detoxing after years of one-night stands. 194 00:07:29,283 --> 00:07:30,282 They don't make 195 00:07:30,284 --> 00:07:32,984 gum or a patch for this, Ted. 196 00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:34,786 But, hey, billion-dollar idea alert. 197 00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:37,255 Oh, yeah. 198 00:07:37,257 --> 00:07:39,191 That's okay. I'll just buy a new dream journal. 199 00:07:40,159 --> 00:07:43,895 What-what-what are you looking for? 200 00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:44,896 Your phone. 201 00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:46,064 There's got to be some pictures 202 00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:47,065 of her in here. 203 00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:48,633 Damn it. no. 204 00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:50,101 Those are all worthless. 205 00:07:50,103 --> 00:07:52,504 I need some one-night-stand material, Ted. 206 00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:54,840 Oh. Oh. Here's your mom. Hello, Virginia. 207 00:07:54,842 --> 00:07:57,943 Um, my mother is not one-night-stand material. 208 00:07:57,945 --> 00:08:00,245 Yeah, you're right. It wasn't night and we weren't standing. 209 00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:01,780 Hey-oh! 210 00:08:01,782 --> 00:08:03,081 That didn't happen. 211 00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:05,517 You're right. It didn't. 212 00:08:05,519 --> 00:08:06,518 You just winked. 213 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:07,819 No, I didn't. 214 00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:08,820 You just did it again! 215 00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:11,323 Look, bottom I need you 216 00:08:11,325 --> 00:08:13,291 to proxy bang this girl for me. 217 00:08:13,293 --> 00:08:14,493 Be my stand-in 218 00:08:14,495 --> 00:08:16,661 and put your gland in. 219 00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,663 Hey, wow, that'd be good on a hat. 220 00:08:18,665 --> 00:08:20,131 Barney, 221 00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:23,335 she's just using me for my gracefully aging body. 222 00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:26,037 You're picking now to get some self-respect? 223 00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:29,941 You once banged a blind girl by pretending to be Sean connery. 224 00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:30,976 That was you. 225 00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:32,811 Yeah, that conquest 226 00:08:32,813 --> 00:08:34,546 was most enjoyable. 227 00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:36,314 I'm sorry. T-to hook up with a girl, 228 00:08:36,316 --> 00:08:38,550 I have to connect with her at least a little. 229 00:08:38,552 --> 00:08:40,685 Then find a connection. 230 00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:42,153 Just go simple. 231 00:08:42,155 --> 00:08:45,156 Nothing about weird poets or buildings 232 00:08:45,158 --> 00:08:47,993 or any of those stupid articles you've ever e-mailed me 233 00:08:47,995 --> 00:08:50,028 with the subject line "food for thought." 234 00:08:50,897 --> 00:08:52,964 please, Ted. 235 00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:54,499 I need this. 236 00:08:54,501 --> 00:08:56,034 Fine. You win. 237 00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:57,068 I'll bang 238 00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:58,503 a hot 20-year-old. 239 00:08:59,373 --> 00:09:00,372 But I'm not gonna enjoy... 240 00:09:00,374 --> 00:09:01,473 oh, who am I kidding? 241 00:09:01,475 --> 00:09:02,674 It's gonna be awesome. 242 00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:05,744 Now, turn off the lights and go. 243 00:09:06,913 --> 00:09:08,980 Not all the way! 244 00:09:10,983 --> 00:09:12,984 Hello. Yeah, three... 245 00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:15,687 okay, normally New York is the friendliest, 246 00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:17,856 most affordable city in the world. 247 00:09:17,858 --> 00:09:21,059 Now it's as rude and expensive as San Francisco. 248 00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:23,061 Guys? 249 00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:25,063 Oh, hey, that's life once you're engaged. 250 00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:27,832 Oh, tell her, baby. Make it hurt. 251 00:09:28,868 --> 00:09:30,068 I'll be at the booth. 252 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,937 My panties may or may not be on 253 00:09:31,939 --> 00:09:33,738 when you get there. 254 00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:35,574 They won't be! 255 00:09:36,609 --> 00:09:38,610 Okay, what is going on with you guys? 256 00:09:38,612 --> 00:09:40,045 It's the cuff. 257 00:09:40,047 --> 00:09:42,414 It turns out that picturing me as a loser musician 258 00:09:42,416 --> 00:09:44,849 with a Vicodin addiction and a beat-up van 259 00:09:44,851 --> 00:09:48,753 I use to steal copper wire really turns Lily's crank. 260 00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:49,788 Who knew? 261 00:09:49,790 --> 00:09:51,423 Whoa, what-what happened to your wrist? 262 00:09:51,425 --> 00:09:54,426 Oh. It's an allergic reaction. 263 00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:55,961 So take it off. 264 00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:57,963 Robin, once you have a child, 265 00:09:57,965 --> 00:09:59,931 anything that gets you even remotely close 266 00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:03,368 to the possibility of sex is worth a few pus-filled blisters. 267 00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:05,837 Better the sores weep than I. 268 00:10:06,939 --> 00:10:08,940 Hey, hold on. That slut just got here. 269 00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:11,042 How'd she get beer already? 270 00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:13,044 Do you see a ring on that finger? 271 00:10:13,046 --> 00:10:14,946 Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. 272 00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,781 Are you saying that this invisibility thing 273 00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:18,783 means I might not be able to get beer? 274 00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:21,486 I was just getting used to the idea of having to pay for coffee 275 00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:22,821 and bagels and rent. 276 00:10:22,823 --> 00:10:23,888 Rent? But not being able 277 00:10:23,890 --> 00:10:26,157 to get a beer? Unacceptable. 278 00:10:28,595 --> 00:10:30,295 Excuse me. 279 00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:32,030 Hot girl coming through. 280 00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:42,140 Huh. 281 00:10:43,809 --> 00:10:45,010 Three beers, please. 282 00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:46,077 ♪ take the... 283 00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:52,083 damn it, ring! 284 00:10:52,085 --> 00:10:53,852 Oh, y34h, b4by. Mm-hmm. 285 00:10:53,854 --> 00:10:55,987 Later you should totally go out and buy a switchblade. 286 00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,455 Mm. Sure. 287 00:10:57,457 --> 00:11:00,291 While I'm out, maybe daddy picks up some diapers 288 00:11:00,293 --> 00:11:03,628 and a little mild salsa because we're low. 289 00:11:06,532 --> 00:11:08,299 Well, you're right... 290 00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:11,036 I'm invisible. 291 00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:18,043 That night, the only person 292 00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:21,146 in worse shape than Robin was her fiancé. 293 00:11:21,148 --> 00:11:22,947 Ted, I'm desperate. 294 00:11:22,949 --> 00:11:24,949 Earlier today, I saw that wrist cuff 295 00:11:24,951 --> 00:11:26,885 and I got a partial for Marshall. 296 00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:28,553 Did you bang that girl yet? 297 00:11:28,555 --> 00:11:30,522 Don't get your hopes, or anything else, up. 298 00:11:30,524 --> 00:11:32,157 I tried to connect with her, 299 00:11:32,159 --> 00:11:34,025 but everything just comes back 300 00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:36,361 to her weird fetish about how old I am. 301 00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:39,731 Well, j-just go simple... does she like TV? 302 00:11:39,733 --> 00:11:40,899 No. 303 00:11:40,901 --> 00:11:42,834 But I'll watch 60 minutes with you 304 00:11:42,836 --> 00:11:46,037 as loud and as long as you want. 305 00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:47,138 Sports? 306 00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:48,306 No. 307 00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:50,909 But I bet you look super hot playing shuffleboard, 308 00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:54,212 just... slathered in bengay. 309 00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:55,714 Well, does she like books? 310 00:11:55,716 --> 00:11:57,082 No. 311 00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:59,217 But I bet you do. 312 00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:00,485 Mm-hmm. 313 00:12:00,487 --> 00:12:02,687 I bet you have a big, thick 314 00:12:02,689 --> 00:12:05,023 pair of bifocals. 315 00:12:05,025 --> 00:12:08,026 She doesn't have daddy issues, she has granddaddy issues. 316 00:12:08,028 --> 00:12:09,527 I'm ending it. 317 00:12:09,529 --> 00:12:12,764 Ted, I beg of you, don't quit on a body that won't quit. 318 00:12:12,766 --> 00:12:15,066 Ooh, ooh, that'll go sweet on a bumper sticker. 319 00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:16,167 That's going in the journal. 320 00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:17,569 Wait, did you steal 321 00:12:17,571 --> 00:12:19,070 my dream journal? 322 00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:21,539 No! Now, get back in there before all your teeth fall out 323 00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:23,742 and you're naked in front of shaker heights high school 324 00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:25,276 in a play you never rehearsed for. 325 00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:26,878 Bastard! 326 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:29,714 We don't connect on a single thing. It's over. 327 00:12:29,716 --> 00:12:32,117 It's not... 328 00:12:32,119 --> 00:12:33,752 look, carly, I got to tell you something. 329 00:12:33,754 --> 00:12:36,421 I just, I don't see a future here. 330 00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,757 Oh, my God. 331 00:12:38,759 --> 00:12:40,825 Are you dying? 332 00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:43,828 Oh, that is so hot. 333 00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,133 Hey... 334 00:12:48,135 --> 00:12:49,734 is that r2-d2? 335 00:12:49,736 --> 00:12:52,036 Do you like star wars? 336 00:12:52,038 --> 00:12:53,805 I love star wars. 337 00:12:53,807 --> 00:12:55,106 Me, too! 338 00:12:58,545 --> 00:13:01,045 I mean, I've only seen the new ones. 339 00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:03,148 Close enough. 340 00:13:06,886 --> 00:13:09,120 So? 341 00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:10,054 Yeah. 342 00:13:10,056 --> 00:13:11,656 I knew it! I could feel it. 343 00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:14,659 It's almost like we were hooking up with her together. 344 00:13:14,661 --> 00:13:16,094 You felt that, right? 345 00:13:16,096 --> 00:13:17,428 I couldn't have performed if I did. 346 00:13:17,430 --> 00:13:18,897 Don't you see, Ted? 347 00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:21,499 We had a bro-nnection. 348 00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:23,802 All right, I got to know 349 00:13:23,804 --> 00:13:25,236 what she looks like... show me a picture. 350 00:13:25,238 --> 00:13:27,172 Well, normally, I'm above such things, 351 00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:30,308 but it's been a while, and, uh, Teddy's braggin'. 352 00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:31,976 Okay, here she is. 353 00:13:32,611 --> 00:13:35,079 Okay. Scrolling up. 354 00:13:35,081 --> 00:13:36,481 Oh, yeah, those are 355 00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:38,283 "plow me" heels. Nice. Uh-huh. 356 00:13:38,285 --> 00:13:42,086 The knee bruise is encouraging. 357 00:13:42,088 --> 00:13:45,089 Working our way up to those 20-year-old ta-tas. 358 00:13:45,091 --> 00:13:47,659 Oh... gravity's cruel grasp 359 00:13:47,661 --> 00:13:50,662 hasn't found you yet, my sweet perky miracles. 360 00:13:52,199 --> 00:13:54,199 Now, let's get a gander at dirty girl's face. 361 00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:55,200 Mm-hmm. 362 00:13:57,636 --> 00:14:00,405 Her face says, "ready to bone," am I right? 363 00:14:01,707 --> 00:14:04,676 I say again, am I right? 364 00:14:04,678 --> 00:14:07,979 That's my half-sister. 365 00:14:07,981 --> 00:14:11,950 Then you probably shouldn't scroll to the next picture. 366 00:14:16,055 --> 00:14:17,856 No! 367 00:14:22,828 --> 00:14:23,895 That's my sister, Ted! 368 00:14:23,897 --> 00:14:25,330 Well, look, I didn't know! 369 00:14:25,332 --> 00:14:27,131 None of us even knew you had a sister 370 00:14:27,133 --> 00:14:29,000 until two years ago, including you! 371 00:14:29,002 --> 00:14:30,902 This is just some crazy coincidence. 372 00:14:30,904 --> 00:14:33,071 There are four million women in the city of New York, 373 00:14:33,073 --> 00:14:34,806 Ted, and you sleep with my sister? 374 00:14:34,808 --> 00:14:37,675 Why would the universe do that to me? I don't know. 375 00:14:37,677 --> 00:14:39,744 It's not like you've ever treated women in such a way 376 00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:41,145 that would invite some sort of karmic retribution. 377 00:14:41,147 --> 00:14:43,514 You banged my sister! 378 00:14:43,516 --> 00:14:46,384 My sweet, little, innocent... 379 00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:48,019 pierced. Really? Where? 380 00:14:48,021 --> 00:14:50,188 Don't answer that! Now I know 381 00:14:50,190 --> 00:14:53,424 why I felt everything you did to her last night. 382 00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:56,995 It wasn't a bro-nnection, it was a sis-nnection! 383 00:14:56,997 --> 00:14:58,396 Oh, my God. 384 00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:01,466 Ted... did you... 385 00:15:04,069 --> 00:15:05,870 big-time. 386 00:15:05,872 --> 00:15:07,005 Nice! High five! 387 00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:08,673 Wait! No! no! 388 00:15:08,675 --> 00:15:10,041 Retraction five! 389 00:15:12,545 --> 00:15:15,079 Hey, hey, you're the one who begged for a proxy bang. 390 00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:16,881 And while we're on the subject of family, 391 00:15:16,883 --> 00:15:19,450 I'm pretty sure you banged my mom... mom beats sister. 392 00:15:19,452 --> 00:15:22,086 I never banged your mom. 393 00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:23,855 You just did the winking thing again! 394 00:15:23,857 --> 00:15:25,623 No, I didn't. 395 00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:27,959 Fine. Hey, Barney, let me ask you something. 396 00:15:27,961 --> 00:15:29,894 Were you, uh, feeling a little sore this morning? 397 00:15:29,896 --> 00:15:30,995 Especially... 398 00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:35,934 friendship over! 399 00:15:37,636 --> 00:15:39,203 Oh, yeah. 400 00:15:39,205 --> 00:15:44,409 Who's your guitar-player-biker- who-couldn't-find-mild-salsa... 401 00:15:44,411 --> 00:15:47,879 but-said-screw-it- and-went-medium bad boy? 402 00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:51,215 Marshall, your hand! 403 00:15:51,217 --> 00:15:53,151 Okay, I'm pretty sure it wasn't that bad, 404 00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:55,987 but this is how uncle Marshall likes to tell the story. 405 00:15:55,989 --> 00:15:58,957 Oh, yeah, no, that's the cuff. 406 00:15:58,959 --> 00:16:02,060 I'm woozy, and I can't flex my fingers... 407 00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:05,263 ...and the rotten fish smell is getting stronger. 408 00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:08,099 But I'm learning to compensate with my left. 409 00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:11,169 Is that why last night when I asked you to honka honka me 410 00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:12,770 you only honka'd me? 411 00:16:12,772 --> 00:16:14,138 I didn't think you noticed. 412 00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:17,075 Snap's been jealous of crackle all day. 413 00:16:17,077 --> 00:16:19,077 Just take the cuff off. 414 00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:21,346 No, but, baby, then all the sex will stop. 415 00:16:21,348 --> 00:16:25,249 Marshall, you don't need a cuff for me to find you sexy. 416 00:16:25,251 --> 00:16:26,918 All you have to do 417 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:29,454 is smile, and I'm ready for you to hop on pop. 418 00:16:29,456 --> 00:16:31,990 Thanks, baby. 419 00:16:31,992 --> 00:16:35,093 Are you too woozy to do it one last time 420 00:16:35,095 --> 00:16:37,829 before we seek emergency medical attention? 421 00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:39,664 Only one way to find out. 422 00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:41,499 Mm. 423 00:16:46,271 --> 00:16:49,640 I'm sorry, bro, I totally overreacted. 424 00:16:49,642 --> 00:16:51,342 You think? I can't believe 425 00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:53,344 you're allowed to ship a dead possum. 426 00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:55,046 He died? 427 00:16:55,048 --> 00:16:58,149 That possum was supposed to be an olive branch. 428 00:16:58,151 --> 00:17:01,619 Are you sure he's not just playing dead? 429 00:17:01,621 --> 00:17:03,621 He smells like Marshall's hand. 430 00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:05,656 And wait, you-you forgive me? 431 00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:07,825 Absolutely. Hey, I got a couple "cee-gars." 432 00:17:07,827 --> 00:17:08,960 get over here! 433 00:17:08,962 --> 00:17:12,030 All right. So, where are those "cee-gars"? 434 00:17:12,032 --> 00:17:13,564 Eh, we'll break 'em out in a minute. 435 00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:15,233 Hey, barn. 436 00:17:16,168 --> 00:17:18,036 Ted? 437 00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:19,971 Barney, what is your sister doing here? 438 00:17:19,973 --> 00:17:21,906 Nothing, bro. Or should I say, 439 00:17:21,908 --> 00:17:23,975 bro-in-law! 440 00:17:37,023 --> 00:17:38,322 Congratulations! 441 00:17:38,324 --> 00:17:40,992 You're marrying my sister! 442 00:17:40,994 --> 00:17:43,961 And you spared no expense, you big crazy! 443 00:17:46,832 --> 00:17:49,934 You know what? I love Barney, 444 00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:51,102 but this ring thing sucks. 445 00:17:51,104 --> 00:17:53,371 Some gross guy just brushed up against my rack 446 00:17:53,373 --> 00:17:54,939 and then apologized. 447 00:17:54,941 --> 00:17:57,341 And I think he really, really meant it. 448 00:17:57,343 --> 00:18:00,711 Oh, sweetie, I know it's nice to be groped by strangers, 449 00:18:00,713 --> 00:18:02,947 but nothing beats the rush you get 450 00:18:02,949 --> 00:18:05,216 when that one special person looks at you. 451 00:18:05,218 --> 00:18:06,884 It's true. 452 00:18:06,886 --> 00:18:10,922 Like here in this bar, there's only one thing that I see, 453 00:18:10,924 --> 00:18:13,958 and I see her brighter and more clearly 454 00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:16,928 than anything else in this world. 455 00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:18,896 You know what that is? 456 00:18:18,898 --> 00:18:20,264 That's love. 457 00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,867 And possibly alcohol 458 00:18:22,869 --> 00:18:25,937 mixed with some very powerful antibiotics. 459 00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:29,874 And that's how Barney sees you. 460 00:18:29,876 --> 00:18:32,343 And I know that's how you see Barney. 461 00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:36,547 I'd like to start the service 462 00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,716 with a passage from Ted's dream journal. 463 00:18:39,885 --> 00:18:41,285 "drowning. 464 00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:43,287 "gasping for air. 465 00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:45,423 No escape." 466 00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:47,992 wait, is that about Vietnam? 467 00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:49,060 It's about whole foods. 468 00:18:49,062 --> 00:18:49,894 Barney. 469 00:18:49,896 --> 00:18:50,995 We are not 470 00:18:50,997 --> 00:18:52,063 getting married. 471 00:18:52,065 --> 00:18:55,166 And those aisles are too narrow! 472 00:18:55,168 --> 00:18:56,467 But you two 473 00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:58,269 have to get married... otherwise, it's just 474 00:18:58,271 --> 00:19:01,806 a cheap, meaningless, disgusting one-night stand. 475 00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:04,509 Wait, just to be clear, you're saying you're opposed 476 00:19:04,511 --> 00:19:07,278 to cheap, meaningless, disgusting one-night stands? 477 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:08,279 Yes. 478 00:19:08,281 --> 00:19:10,515 Barney... don't you see? 479 00:19:10,517 --> 00:19:12,517 Your detox is done! 480 00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:14,585 You're over one-night stands! 481 00:19:14,587 --> 00:19:17,021 Oh, my God, you're right! 482 00:19:17,023 --> 00:19:18,689 I'm free! Yeah. 483 00:19:18,691 --> 00:19:21,926 So if you think about it... but not too much... 484 00:19:21,928 --> 00:19:24,362 it's actually good that carly and I hooked up. 485 00:19:24,364 --> 00:19:26,330 Yeah, it's really good. 486 00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:29,934 I mean, this guy goes at it like he's still in his 50s. 487 00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:32,336 Hey, have a cigar, you big crazy! 488 00:19:33,473 --> 00:19:35,139 Hey, don't try to make this okay. 489 00:19:35,141 --> 00:19:36,974 You still slept with my sister. 490 00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:39,610 Promise me you will never, ever do that again. 491 00:19:40,612 --> 00:19:42,480 I promise. 492 00:19:42,482 --> 00:19:43,781 You just winked. 493 00:19:43,783 --> 00:19:45,783 No, I didn't. 494 00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:47,618 You did it again! No, I didn't! 495 00:19:47,620 --> 00:19:48,619 You swear, right? 496 00:19:48,621 --> 00:19:50,955 Yeah. Of course. 497 00:19:56,495 --> 00:19:58,529 Hey. That night, 498 00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,565 even though she still couldn't get a beer, 499 00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:03,968 Robin realized the true power of the ring. 500 00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:11,042 Hey, Robin. 501 00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:13,144 Did you ever figure out how you're gonna get 502 00:20:13,146 --> 00:20:15,012 a drink at the bar now that you're engaged? 503 00:20:15,014 --> 00:20:17,648 Oh, sure. I know a way that's gonna last forever. 504 00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:19,250 Scotch on the rocks? 505 00:20:19,252 --> 00:20:20,284 Coming right up. 506 00:20:26,358 --> 00:20:29,894 Now, before you say anything about the hat... 507 00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:33,130 this new girl's ass is phenomenal! 508 00:20:40,372 --> 00:20:41,906 Hey, Marshall, you got to see this. 509 00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:43,207 The catalog must have mixed up my order. 510 00:20:43,209 --> 00:20:45,042 You won't believe the jeans they just sent me. 511 00:20:46,112 --> 00:20:47,778 Hilarious, right? 512 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:50,348 Totally. 513 00:20:50,350 --> 00:20:51,916 You look like some 514 00:20:51,918 --> 00:20:54,085 suburban mom who drives a minivan 515 00:20:54,087 --> 00:20:57,255 filled with stale cheerios and empty juice boxes... 516 00:20:57,257 --> 00:20:58,522 probably makes 517 00:20:58,524 --> 00:21:02,893 chili Mac and frito pie for dinner... 518 00:21:02,895 --> 00:21:04,929 smells like that menthol cigarette that she snuck while 519 00:21:04,931 --> 00:21:06,364 she was waiting to pick her kids up 520 00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:08,666 from hockey practice. Get over here! 36839

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