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Synch and correct by JustFuckingShit (or teftel)
www.addic7ed.com
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00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:18,000
Tonight: A fat man gets murdered,
a donkey gets overtaken,
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and James wears ladies' underwear
on his head.
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Hello. Hello, good evening.
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Welcome. Welcome, everybody.
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Thank you. Thank you so much.
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00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:38,520
Now, we begin with a letter.
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00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:43,560
It says, "Dear Top Gear, I'm a
leading light in the Albanian Mafia
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00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:48,120
"and I'm thinking of buying the
new baby Rolls-Royce, the Ghost.
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00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:52,480
"But how does it compare to,
say, a Bentley or a Mercedes?
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00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:58,960
"Yours sincerely,
Normanski Ataesi." Now this caused
one hell of a row in the office.
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The producers said we should go
out to Albania and do the test.
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We said, "No, we can't be seen to be
helping the Mafia." We were adamant.
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We said, "This is our line
in the sand, we will not go!"
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You join me on the ferry from
Corfu to Albania and here is
the car in question,
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the new Rolls-Royce Ghost -
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�200,000 of power,
prestige and...peeled cows.
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And this Mercedes
is the alternative -
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00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:37,880
the twin turbo-charged V12 S65.
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In short, the most powerful
saloon car in the world.
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And this is where the
Bentley Mulsanne should be,
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but just a few days before
we were due to come out here,
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Bentley decided
not to take part in the film.
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So no Bentley?
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No. So you're going to tell a
leading light of the Albanian Mafia
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00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:01,160
you couldn't bring them their
car because it was a bit difficult.
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00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:04,440
No, I've made an
alternative arrangement.
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And when we arrived the alternative
arrangement was waiting for us.
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It's a Yugo. Yes.
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But in a number of critical ways,
it is exactly the same as the new
Bentley Mulsanne. Listen to this.
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DULL THUMP
There you go.
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That's the same sort of
dull aristocratic whump.
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Four door. There's a hole on
the outside you put the fuel in.
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00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:36,160
Yeah, engine at the front,
rear drive, probably. Drive it
from there. From that wheel there.
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It is - for this mission,
it's exactly the same
as the Bentley Mulsanne,
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00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:43,920
in the same way that Roy Hattersley
is the same as a tub of lard. Yes.
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This is the perfect car for the job.
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Can't say that. What?
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You can't say that word, the C-word.
I didn't, did I?
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Not that C-word, the other C-word.
Car? Yes.
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00:02:56,720 --> 00:03:03,520
Car? You can't say that,
car here means gentleman's sausage.
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00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:06,880
Really? What? That's why
they all watch Top Gear in Albania.
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00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:11,200
IN BAD ALBANIAN ACCENT: Funnier
even than Norman Wisdom,
you make show about...
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00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:16,040
So when I say, "My car's enormous..."
That's the funniest thing in the
world they've ever heard.
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00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:17,280
They tune in every week.
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00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:20,640
We do a car show.
Yes, but you can't say car or peach.
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00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:23,080
Peach? Don't say peach?
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00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:29,280
What does that mean? Lady garden.
So this car's a peach is really bad.
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00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:38,560
With the ground rules established,
we headed inland into the
rain to begin the road test.
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00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:46,760
Let's get one thing absolutely
clear from the start - the Ghost
is not a bespoke Rolls-Royce,
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not like the Phantom,
the bigger one.
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00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:52,560
This one underneath
is a BMW 7 Series.
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00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:58,000
However, everything you see,
everything you touch, everything
you feel, it's all Rolls-Royce.
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It's chuffing marvellous,
this ca...motor.
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00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:10,480
At �160,000, the S Class
is �40,000 less than the Ghost.
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00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:12,360
But it's not like they have skimped.
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00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:18,640
I've never driven anything where
you get such a sense of there
being a lot of things going on
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00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:22,480
in the background, to keep you safe,
to keep you on the road.
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00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:25,560
Everywhere I look there's a little
light comes on to let you know -
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00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:28,960
one there to tell me it's
a 30 kilometre an hour speed limit
around here.
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00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:35,480
It just knows that and I
have never experienced a car
this big and so powerful.
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00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:40,720
I can't believe
I said car this big.
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00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:47,840
In the Mulsanne, however...
I must say I'm terribly
disappointed by the Bentley.
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00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:50,400
It is the most expensive...
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00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:56,240
Oh, God, strewth! I'm going off.
No, I managed to... Jesus wept!
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00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:02,040
It is the most expensive penis
of the three,
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00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:07,680
�220,000, and from where
I am sitting, it is hard to see why.
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00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:15,600
Oh, crunch. What the hell
were Bentley thinking of?
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00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:20,680
Even by Albanian standards,
it was absolute rubbish.
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00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:30,000
Until 1991, Albania was
probably the most extreme
Marxist state in the world.
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00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:38,000
One man, who owned a cafe,
got 18 years in jail for telling
a customer he didn't have a spoon.
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00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:41,520
Another guy pointed at Corfu
over there and said,
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00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:46,600
"Why have they got a light
in their harbour and we haven't?"
He got 25 years.
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00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:53,400
And soon we were reminded of
the dark days because the
road just sort of stopped.
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00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:58,880
And to make things worse, instead
of white lines, they'd used rocks.
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00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:05,480
Let's not view this as a
bad thing, it is at least a
chance to test the car's ride.
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00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:15,360
As far as I'm concerned,
the road merely
changes colour occasionally.
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00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:21,440
I am quite surprised because this is
an AMG-tuned Merc, which you would
expect to be a very firm thing.
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It's coping with this very well.
However, in the Bentley...
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00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:33,920
This has to be the least
refined car I've ever driven.
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00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:35,520
This is simply intolerable.
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00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:40,320
�220,000 for this. Oh, God, it's...
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00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:44,320
Yeah, you got hooked
up on a cat's eye, mate.
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00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:50,680
Let's - can we - if one pushes
and two lift the wheel arches...
We just lift it off. Heave!
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00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:53,800
The bumper is in deep trouble here.
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00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:57,120
Yes. Just drive it back, hang on.
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00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:00,480
That is wedged. That's sad to
see a Bentley treated in such a...
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00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:06,160
Nice(!) It's off.
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00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,520
Tough thing!
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00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:15,360
Fortunately, the rough
road soon ended. Unfortunately, it
ended at an Albanian river crossing.
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00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:20,120
That's not the ferry, is it? Yes.
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00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:23,800
That's a raft,
rather than a ferry, isn't it?
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00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:29,880
Still, it wasn't like the cars we'd
be loading were valuable, or heavy.
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00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:33,520
It's not even fastened together.
It's driftwood.
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00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:35,520
Have seen the captain's chair?
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00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:41,000
That's the most incredible
thing I've seen - it's got
five legs, it's got five legs.
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00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:45,000
Despite the peril,
James volunteered to go first.
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Ha-ha-ha!
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00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:53,520
No, no. You're all right now.
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00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:07,400
Oh, my God. What worries me
is the Bentley is 2.8 tonnes,
it's the heaviest by far.
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00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:14,280
Wow. I guess
because it's in the middle,
it didn't have the same effect.
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00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:16,440
We're off.
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00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:21,400
We are now leaving the shore on
an old piece of flotsam with over
half a million quids worth of cars.
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00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:23,280
This is the best ferry
I've ever been on.
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00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:26,640
It is the worst I've ever been on.
This is the worst thing I've ever
been on. It's absolutely terrible.
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00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:30,880
Eventually, HMS Driftwood deposited
us gracefully on the other side.
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00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:39,720
Oh, no. And as we drove
on, we realised that one
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00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:45,520
benefit of the Mercedes, if you're a
Mafia boss, is that you do blend in.
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00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:47,040
Mercedes. Mercedes. Mercedes.
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00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:49,200
Mercedes. Mercedes.
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00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:52,880
Mercedes. Mercedes. Mercedes.
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00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:54,160
Look at them all.
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00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:57,160
Mercedes. Mercedes. Mercedes.
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00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:59,960
Mercedes. Mercedes. Mercedes.
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00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:06,800
It turns out that a staggering
80% of all cars registered
in Albania are old Mercs.
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00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:09,520
But that said,
English cars are popular too -
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00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:14,320
a point we discussed when we
pulled over for afternoon tea.
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00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:19,240
Apparently, what happens is,
Albanians go to England,
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00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:24,120
get a job, buy a car, and then
bring it back with them here.
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00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:28,560
Right. It is quite traditional
when you bring a car back
like that that you drive it
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00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:33,400
around with the door locks pulled out
and sometimes little marks along the
back of the door, the trailing edge.
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00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:40,080
They have a tradition here of filing
off any numbers they find under
the bonnet. That's to save weight.
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00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:46,360
Oh, is it? Yes, that's why they do
it, all the VIN numbers, identifying
plates, that makes the car lighter.
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00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:49,520
Oh I see.
Weight-saving measures are important.
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00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:51,280
Some of them, though, are stolen.
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00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:53,720
No! Give up!
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00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:59,080
I'm afraid they are. After tea, the
sun came out, so we hit the coast
road and went for a nice cruise.
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00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,520
Well, it was nice for me.
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00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:16,640
God! The power of this thing
and the acceleration it makes
possible is mind-blowing.
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00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:20,280
It's weird, actually,
because it's so quiet.
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00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:25,800
There's always noise when
you go fast and yet,
in this, there really isn't.
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00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:32,240
The beans, oh! It doesn't encourage
you to be sporty, or aggressive.
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It's just so nice.
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00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:39,760
It's nice in the Rolls-Royce.
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00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:43,880
But then my nice time was
ruined by news from the Bentley.
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00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:47,440
Oh, no, the Mulsanne is overheating.
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00:10:47,440 --> 00:10:54,400
We stopped to let the twin turbo V8
cool, but then...it decided to die.
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00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:55,440
ENGINE WON'T TICK OVER
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00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:59,840
No.
So I tried a reverse bump start.
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00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:02,600
He's done that wrong. The brakes!
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00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:03,760
No.
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00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:09,600
The door mirror's come off!
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00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:13,600
It's suddenly dawned upon me
that he isn't very bright.
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00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:18,560
I think he could be a massive idiot.
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00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:21,600
The door mirror!
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00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:24,120
How long will he go before...?
Well...
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00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:27,440
Oh, no.
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00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:30,400
Just get it away from the wall.
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00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:33,680
It's the steepest hill in
Albania you've broken down on.
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00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:38,560
While we examined the engine, the
orang-utan tried to mend the door.
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00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:47,720
Then an Albanian mechanic
arrived and Jeremy filled him in.
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00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:50,920
Running, then stop.
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00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:52,960
That describes most breakdowns.
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00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,680
Running and then stop, you idiot!
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00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:57,920
Don't say to that man,
"My car needs a jump."
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00:11:57,920 --> 00:11:59,320
LAUGHTER
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00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:01,880
Yes. Yes.
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00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:06,440
The Bentley is running well.
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00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:11,600
It had been a long and tiring day
on the road,
but for Hammond, that was OK.
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00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:15,960
This S Class has a
new system on board.
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00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:19,320
It just monitors the driver to make
sure he or she isn't getting sleepy,
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00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:25,200
or wandering out of the lane, or
nodding off, and it's monitoring
70 different parameters about me.
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00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:31,520
That must include whether or not I
like different types of cheese,
or if I'm thinking about hats.
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00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:39,040
I was on life-support in an
intensive care unit and they weren't
monitoring 70 things about me.
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00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:46,040
Soon, we arrived at a
disused submarine base.
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00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:56,720
And Jeremy insisted we should stop.
167
00:12:56,720 --> 00:13:00,440
I am a mountain goat. Oh!
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00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:02,440
LAUGHTER
That was close.
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00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:05,840
Yes.
I love the idea of sneaky warfare.
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00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:11,480
If there were to be a war tomorrow,
and I had to volunteer for
some service, definitely subs.
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00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:14,880
Which is ironic - can you imagine a
place where you'd be less welcome.
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00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:16,760
I wonder if they're for sale.
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00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:20,440
What are you going to do
with a submarine, Jeremy?
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00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:23,000
Well, drive about in it.
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00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:29,240
With the sun going down,
I was dragged away from the sub pen
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00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:31,840
so we could get back
to our Mafia road test.
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00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:38,440
We've had a discussion,
and we reckon that when someone
from the Albanian Mafia
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00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:45,800
is choosing a new car, uppermost
in his mind will be this:
"Can I get a dead body in the boot?"
179
00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:48,080
Makes sense.
That is why the car has a boot.
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00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:54,760
Stands to reason. Unfortunately, to
find out which of the cars is best,
we've had to murder a passer-by.
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00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:56,840
Yeah. And here he is.
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00:13:56,840 --> 00:14:01,280
As you can see, he's quite a big
chap, so he took a lot of murdering.
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00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:03,000
And now James is going to see
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00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,920
if he can get him in the boot
of the Rolls-Royce.
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00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:09,400
Am I? Yes. You go first, yes. OK.
186
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:15,320
That's a good start. Look at that.
187
00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:17,000
What? He was a member of a gym.
188
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:20,560
He was not! Could we have murdered
someone a bit smaller? Not really.
189
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:24,720
He was the only one we could catch.
Anyone smaller
would have been faster.
190
00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:27,440
Come on, James, the police
could be on their way.
191
00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:30,360
I can't lift him up.
Three, two, one and up.
192
00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:32,960
No, it's not working.
193
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:40,520
OK. This was hopeless. So rather
embarrassingly, we had to ask the
man we murdered to give us a hand.
194
00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:44,240
It's not so much the
head, but everything else.
195
00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:49,040
All we have to do now is
saw his leg. Wait a minute.
196
00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:51,200
Just get that in there.
197
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:52,760
Bend that back round there. Yes!
198
00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:54,920
Yes! Yes. Excellent.
199
00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:59,280
The great thing about the
Rolls-Royce is, it has
self-levelling rear suspension,
200
00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:04,880
so when the boot is shut you won't
know from the way it's riding
that there is a body in there.
201
00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:06,720
Except the boot won't go down.
202
00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:10,280
Right, you get him out and put
him in the back of the Benz.
203
00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:12,680
Get him out?
204
00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:15,400
'Sadly, there's a fridge in
the boot of the Merc,
205
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:20,520
'which takes up a lot of room.'
Is that it? Can you move that knee?
206
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:23,240
No chance!
207
00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:25,680
That meant our dead body
wouldn't fit.
208
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:28,520
Nobody wants to see that.
209
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:34,360
And even though he did fit in the
Bentley, there was still a problem.
210
00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:39,080
Mate, you can see him. Look.
211
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:40,800
That is a drawback. Clearly.
212
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,600
You might as well just put him
in the passenger seat.
213
00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:45,360
APPLAUSE
214
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:52,320
James, Richard, bad news.
215
00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:56,240
What? Do you see the girl
with the red beret on? Yeah.
216
00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:58,800
She's from Albania. Hello!
217
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:04,160
And can we just ask, is it right
that the word "car" means...
218
00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:05,880
Yes.
219
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:08,240
LAUGHTER
220
00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:09,800
And "peach"?
221
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:11,440
INAUDIBLE
Yes.
222
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:15,400
I thought you'd made it up.
No, we didn't make it up.
223
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:17,920
She's actually from Albania.
Fair enough.
224
00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:21,000
I have got some more information
on this, er...
225
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:25,920
You know in the film I said that
some of the cars might be stolen?
226
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:28,760
I know, you did, that was shocking!
Yes, it was.
227
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:31,720
Anyway, I've got some information
here on it.
228
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:37,840
Albania's public order minister was
on his way to Greece to sign an
agreement with his opposite number
229
00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:43,480
on cross-border crime, and as
a formality the Greek police did a
check on his car and it was nicked.
230
00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:47,560
And just so I balance this out,
231
00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:53,040
neighbouring Macedonia, the interior
minister was very embarrassed
232
00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:57,960
when police noticed
her car was actually registered
to David Beckham.
233
00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,880
That happens to footballers a lot.
234
00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:05,400
Two AC Milan players had their
Range Rovers nicked. D'you know
where they turned up?
235
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:08,640
Bournemouth? No, it was Albania.
Was it really?
236
00:17:08,640 --> 00:17:12,520
It was. I have to say - and not
just because you're here -
237
00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:17,760
genuinely, Albania is a fascinating,
brilliant country, very pretty too.
238
00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:22,280
Beautiful. Anyway, it's now time
to do the news. We begin with this.
239
00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:24,720
Honda, which is a Japanese
car company,
240
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:31,160
they've developed a hat that knows
what your hair is thinking
241
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:36,400
and then translates
those thoughts in such a way
that it can drive the car.
242
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:41,480
Have you gone completely mad? No,
seriously, I absolutely haven't.
243
00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:46,080
They say that hair transmits
neurological information. Yeah.
244
00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:50,480
The hat picks that up,
translates it, so if you think,
"I'd like to turn the wipers on,"
245
00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:52,560
your hat knows that
and the wipers go on.
246
00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:55,040
Cos your hair tells you. Your hair?
247
00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:57,040
LAUGHTER
248
00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:58,840
Your hair cannot drive a car.
249
00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:02,480
Your hair isn't very good at
being hair! In fairness, really.
250
00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:06,200
What if you'd had a hair transplant?
251
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:07,240
Gordon Ramsay!
252
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:11,760
Yeah, exactly. Gordon Ramsay, no,
wait, wait, wait! Think about it,
253
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:18,320
if he's stopped for speeding, he can
go, "It wasn't me, I bought my hair
from a man in Los Angeles."
254
00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:21,320
Are we heading for a future where
a policeman stops you and says,
255
00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:24,720
"Do you know how fast your hair was
going, sir?" It's out of my hands.
256
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:29,800
Does it have to be your hair...
on your head... Enough! If I buy
some pants?
257
00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:31,360
What, Honda pants?
258
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:35,880
But imagine, 17-year-olds think down
there a lot, don't they?
259
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:39,000
Imagine a 17-year-old boy
driving with his pubes.
260
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:42,720
A million miles an hour!
It'd be terrifying. Listen...
261
00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:44,960
Ferrari - let's get it back to cars.
262
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:49,840
Ferrari has made a new car. It's
their first-ever 4-wheel drive car,
263
00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:51,560
their first-ever hatchback.
264
00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:54,400
There's a picture here,
it's called the FF.
265
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:58,960
It's got a V12 direct-injection
engine, 6.2 litre,
266
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:04,120
208 miles an hour, it's going to
cost �250,000, which is a lot,
267
00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:06,920
but I think that's fantastic.
It's a return to what I call
268
00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:09,960
the shooting brake,
the two-plus-two estate.
269
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:13,160
We haven't seen one of those
since the Lancia HPE.
270
00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:18,960
Ooh, yes. And do you remember
the Volvo P1800ES?
271
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:22,480
That wasn't very brilliant, though.
No, it was terrible,
but it looked good.
272
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:28,800
It looked brilliant. And the Reliant
Scimitar, which you can see...
Ah-hum! You've forgotten the rules!
273
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:33,320
The law of the land states, if you
say "Reliant Scimitar" you have to
have a comma and then say...
274
00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:36,160
Princess Anne has one of those,
you know?
275
00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:39,320
But you say it in such a way that
you assume no-one else knows.
276
00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:43,760
It's extraordinary, I can't think of
another person who is so associated
with a car.
277
00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:48,960
Nobody ever says, "Henry Kissinger
had an Escort RS2000." He didn't,
though, did he, let's be honest.
278
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:51,920
She is commonly thought of as being
the hardest working Royal.
279
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:53,800
She does a lot of work
for a lot of people,
280
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:55,960
raises millions of pounds
all over the world.
281
00:19:55,960 --> 00:20:00,160
Yet she's still just known
for having a Reliant Scimitar.
It must be annoying.
282
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:04,240
If you think about it - her daughter
is getting married later this year.
283
00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:08,160
You just know the commentary.
They'll wheel out a Dimbleby
and the commentary will be,
284
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:12,680
"There's the bride's mother
looking radiant - she has
a Reliant Scimitar, you know."
285
00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:17,440
It will. I've never driven
a Reliant Scimitar, you know?
286
00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:21,800
I know someone who's got one. Do
you? Yeah, Princess Anne. Oh, right.
287
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:25,840
You know the Fiat 500.
We love it. There's a new one -
the Fiat 500 Twin Air.
288
00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:29,960
It's got a tiny 875cc
2-cylinder engine in there
289
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:35,440
and it produces so little CO2
that it's free to go in the
congestion charging zone in London.
290
00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:38,160
Great little thing. When I heard
it had a 2-cylinder engine,
291
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:40,720
I thought that won't move,
but it goes like the clappers.
292
00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:44,840
It sounds like a billion hornets
stuck in someone's bicycle spokes.
293
00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:48,240
Brrrrrr! It's just fantastic!
294
00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:52,680
There is one problem with this
fuel-saving car, though. What?
295
00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:55,840
It uses quite a lot of fuel.
Yes, it does.
296
00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,880
Can't argue with that.
We did a test last week.
297
00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:02,920
We left the track here, went back to
London - so a bit of country road,
298
00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:06,960
bit of dual carriageway, bit of
city driving, and it averaged 38mpg.
299
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:13,680
We did the same route
in a Volkswagen Polo Bluemotion
and that did 50mpg.
300
00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:17,560
So we have a Top Gear top tip. If
you want to buy a car to save fuel,
301
00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:19,960
buy this one and don't save any.
302
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:25,160
You won't save anything, but you
will have an enormous amount of fun
not saving any money.
303
00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:27,200
That's what it's for.
That's fine by me.
304
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:30,520
You know Breakfast News
on television? No, not really.
305
00:21:30,520 --> 00:21:37,120
You must. Earlier this week they ran
a story about cyclists wearing video
cameras on their crash helmets. Yeah.
306
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:41,600
So they can video examples of road
rage and people cutting them up.
307
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:43,240
But cyclists deserve it.
308
00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:46,680
Don't say that. But they do.
Just the other week... Honestly,
309
00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:48,760
I'm sitting in a traffic jam,
in London,
310
00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:52,480
and a Frenchman tried to cycle
between the pavement and my car
311
00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:56,040
and after he'd removed most of the
paint with the brake handle thing,
312
00:21:56,040 --> 00:22:00,920
he came round to the driver's door
to tell me off in that silly accent
French people have.
313
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:03,120
A French accent. Yes, that.
314
00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:07,880
I said to him, "If you just work
harder, you could have a car."
Oh, you see...!
315
00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:12,240
YOU are exactly the reason why I want
a camera on my helmet when I cycle.
316
00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:15,640
Why? So when idiots like you get
out of their car, having cut me up...
317
00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:18,640
Who pays the road tax? Well...
I'm sorry.
318
00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:23,880
I don't mind if cyclists want
to come on the road with their
silly Victorian distractions.
319
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:26,000
But they must behave themselves.
320
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,920
There are a few militant cyclists...
You're one of them.
321
00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:33,120
I'm not a militant cyclist. You are.
On a bicycle, you are a peach.
322
00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:39,240
Actually, you're a peach most of
the time, but you're a big peach.
323
00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:45,160
You're just another fat car in
his Mercedes and has a pop at me
for riding my bike to work...
324
00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:48,720
You always do, don't you? Often.
Yesterday I saw you riding to work,
325
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:53,360
and I thought, that bicycle looks
exactly like a 1967 Ford Mustang.
326
00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:56,280
Yeah, well...always ride it, no.
327
00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:58,600
Right, that is the end of the news.
328
00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:04,040
Now, what we have here is
a Ford Sierra Cosworth
and a Ford Escort Cosworth.
329
00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:09,440
I like these cars very much,
which is why I am delighted to say
330
00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:13,840
that after a 15-year gap,
the Cosworth name is back.
331
00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:17,680
But not where
you might be expecting it.
332
00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:27,960
Here it is, on the back of a Subaru.
333
00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:33,360
And in theory, that's a marriage
334
00:23:33,360 --> 00:23:35,440
made in heaven.
335
00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:40,200
You see, what Cosworth is really
good at is taking ordinary,
boring family saloons
336
00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:43,800
and turning them
into street-fighting,
337
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:47,000
come-on-if-you-think-you're
hard-enough road racers
338
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:51,920
with fiery nostrils and
a Geordie Saturday night attitude
to peace and love.
339
00:23:56,680 --> 00:24:00,720
But what they've done here is
take a dreary Impreza SDI
340
00:24:00,720 --> 00:24:03,880
and throw most of it away.
341
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:11,920
The 2.5 litre flat-four engine is
fitted with new pistons, bearings,
342
00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:14,440
conrods, gaskets and head nuts,
343
00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:17,840
along with a totally reworked
oil pump, turbo charger,
344
00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:20,960
intercooler, intake system
and exhaust.
345
00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:24,920
There have been similar
modifications elsewhere -
new wheels, tyres,
346
00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:29,440
springs, dampers, bushings
and brakes.
347
00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:33,080
It's not really a Subaru any more,
is it?
348
00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:35,200
HE LAUGHS
349
00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:38,600
So, is it any good?
350
00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:40,840
In a word, quite.
351
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:47,160
Certainly, it does capture
some of the magic we used to get
from old Subaru Imprezas.
352
00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:52,080
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
353
00:24:56,800 --> 00:24:58,960
Even when you think all is lost -
354
00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:04,040
sliding - oh, no, you just give it
a dab of power, like that,
355
00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:08,800
and even in rain like this,
it isn't lost any more.
356
00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:21,120
Other nice things?
357
00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:25,640
Well, it rides beautifully for
such a limpet mine, and it is quick.
358
00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:30,000
0-60 takes 3.5 seconds.
359
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:35,560
But there's a huge amount
of turbo lag.
360
00:25:35,560 --> 00:25:39,160
I'm now in fifth gear, 60mph,
foot down...
361
00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:41,560
..nothing.
362
00:25:44,120 --> 00:25:45,760
Still nothing.
363
00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:48,840
Hang on a minute, hang on...
364
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:51,920
No, I was mistaken, sorry,
still nothing.
365
00:25:53,360 --> 00:25:55,440
There is another issue, too.
366
00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:59,920
Cosworths are supposed to be
rough-and-ready cars
for people who work with ladders.
367
00:25:59,920 --> 00:26:02,560
They're supposed to be
a cheap-and-cheerful way
368
00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:06,400
of embarrassing the Ruperts
and the Joneses in their Ferraris,
369
00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:11,160
but this is as near as makes
no difference �50,000,
370
00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:16,000
and with all that turbo lag,
all you're going to embarrass really
is...yourself.
371
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:18,800
Still nothing.
372
00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:20,520
Still nothing.
373
00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:26,200
So, if the Subaru's no good,
what else is there?
374
00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:33,440
Well, there's this.
375
00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:39,600
It's the Ford Focus RS500,
and let's not mess about...
376
00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:42,640
it's brilliant.
377
00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:48,320
Ha-ha!
378
00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:58,840
It has a 2.5 litre turbo-charged
engine, just like the Subaru,
379
00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:04,480
not quite as powerful, but you still
get 345 brake horsepower...
380
00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:10,160
..all of which is sent
to the front wheels.
381
00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:17,480
That sounds like the recipe
for a massive accident.
382
00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:20,160
TYRES SQUEAL
But it isn't.
383
00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:22,320
This is really very, very good.
384
00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:27,680
Of course, you do get a fair bit
of torque steer.
385
00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:31,200
Watch the steering wheel when I put
my foot down. Hands off, here we go,
386
00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:34,200
and...yeah, we've turned right.
387
00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:38,240
And right again. Every time
the turbo cuts in, you turn right.
388
00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:43,920
But, thanks to
a clever front differential,
the grip is incredible.
389
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:55,680
It's also extremely fast.
390
00:27:56,560 --> 00:28:01,600
The top speed, they say, is 165mph.
391
00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:06,280
165 - that means this Ford Focus
392
00:28:06,280 --> 00:28:11,600
is 10mph faster than a BMW M5.
393
00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:14,800
Since that is now 150...
394
00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:17,000
155...
395
00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:19,440
yeah, I'll believe them.
396
00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:26,040
This is a really well-sorted car.
397
00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:31,920
Well-equipped too, with voice
activated keyless Bluetooth.
398
00:28:31,920 --> 00:28:35,560
And to top it off, it's �35,000,
399
00:28:35,560 --> 00:28:39,200
nearly �15,000 less than the Subaru.
400
00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:42,240
So if you're after
a family hatchback
401
00:28:42,240 --> 00:28:47,680
that's vaguely yobbish and very
fast, this is your obvious choice.
402
00:28:47,680 --> 00:28:49,320
Or is it?
403
00:29:05,720 --> 00:29:07,800
This is a Volvo.
404
00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:11,320
But, before you leap
to conclusions...
405
00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:14,360
..watch this.
406
00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:19,520
I'm in the Volvo!
407
00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:27,800
Go! It's a good start.
408
00:29:29,680 --> 00:29:31,880
And look at this!
409
00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:36,720
The Hush Puppy is beating
the Reeboks.
410
00:29:38,120 --> 00:29:41,880
Oh, yes! Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!
411
00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:44,320
Yes!
412
00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:47,920
The pensioner is victorious.
413
00:29:55,080 --> 00:30:01,760
So, what is it, then, this
deafening, electric-blue streak
from the frozen North?
414
00:30:05,160 --> 00:30:10,440
Well, it uses exactly the same
turbo-charged 2.5 litre engine
415
00:30:10,440 --> 00:30:15,640
that Ford use in the hot Focus, but
in this it's all turned up to 27...
416
00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:19,760
or 86 or 109 because it produces,
417
00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:22,280
as near as makes no difference,
418
00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:24,400
400 horsepower.
419
00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:30,760
Small wonder they called it the PCP
420
00:30:30,760 --> 00:30:35,040
cos it really is like driving around
in a cloud of angel dust.
421
00:30:35,680 --> 00:30:36,960
Brrrrrrrr!
422
00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:45,040
ENGINE ROARS
423
00:30:45,040 --> 00:30:46,280
Listen to that!
424
00:30:46,280 --> 00:30:48,200
ENGINE ROARS
425
00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:52,640
Of course, you probably think
it will all fall to pieces
426
00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:55,280
when it sees a corner. But, no.
427
00:31:00,640 --> 00:31:04,400
It has, I'm delighted to say on
a day like today, four-wheel-drive,
428
00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:09,720
so the grip is just phenomenal
and you can reach amazing angles
429
00:31:09,720 --> 00:31:10,840
and still rescue it.
430
00:31:13,880 --> 00:31:17,640
It was built for fun by the team
that makes the Volvos
431
00:31:17,640 --> 00:31:21,520
for the Swedish
Touring Car Championship
432
00:31:21,520 --> 00:31:23,240
and it is genuinely remarkable.
433
00:31:23,240 --> 00:31:28,040
Really sharp, really hard,
really raw,
434
00:31:28,040 --> 00:31:31,360
and it just goes like the clappers.
435
00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:41,600
To top it all off, the PCP
is based on a normal Volvo C30,
436
00:31:41,600 --> 00:31:44,000
which we on Top Gear
think is the best-looking
437
00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:46,960
of all the small hatchbacks.
438
00:31:46,960 --> 00:31:50,600
Inside, the steering wheel,
the gear lever, the doors,
439
00:31:50,600 --> 00:31:54,920
the seats, everything, is covered
in what appears to be mole skin.
440
00:31:54,920 --> 00:31:59,040
And that does make you wonder
how big was the mole
441
00:31:59,040 --> 00:32:01,480
they peeled to make this piece?
442
00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:12,720
This car is epic, but there is
one quite large problem with it.
443
00:32:12,720 --> 00:32:16,440
Volvo refuses point blank
to put it into production.
444
00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:20,200
Pity.
445
00:32:21,840 --> 00:32:24,880
APPLAUSE
446
00:32:24,880 --> 00:32:31,640
Wow. It's a shame. That Volvo does
just sound incredible. Amazing.
447
00:32:31,640 --> 00:32:35,200
But because they're not actually
making it, you would have the Focus?
448
00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:39,480
The problem is, they only made
500 of these and they're sold out.
449
00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:42,440
Right. So if you want a very
hot hatch, it's got to be
450
00:32:42,440 --> 00:32:44,400
the not so good Subaru?
451
00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:48,600
They only made 75 of those
and they are sold out, as well.
452
00:32:48,600 --> 00:32:53,040
Hang on, you have just spent
nine minutes of our lives
453
00:32:53,040 --> 00:32:56,360
reviewing two cars you can't buy
and one that doesn't exist?
454
00:32:56,360 --> 00:32:57,800
Yes, I have. Thank you.
455
00:32:57,800 --> 00:33:02,200
Yes, I have. Now, we must find out
how fast they go round our track.
456
00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:06,040
Not the Volvo, because this board
is for production cars only,
457
00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:07,800
so, the other two.
458
00:33:07,800 --> 00:33:11,000
That, of course, means handing them
to our tame racing driver.
459
00:33:11,000 --> 00:33:17,040
Some say he once tore a goat in half
460
00:33:17,040 --> 00:33:20,920
and that he's now regretting
buying his new holiday home
461
00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:23,000
in downtown Cairo.
462
00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:24,040
LAUGHTER
463
00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:26,680
All we know is,
he's called the Stig.
464
00:33:26,680 --> 00:33:30,600
And they're off. The track is damp
and that should mean
465
00:33:30,600 --> 00:33:33,680
the four-wheel-drive Subaru
has the advantage over
466
00:33:33,680 --> 00:33:35,360
the front-wheel-drive Ford.
467
00:33:35,360 --> 00:33:36,960
Let's see in the first corner.
468
00:33:36,960 --> 00:33:41,920
Coming in wide and...
let's have a look.
469
00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:44,160
Oh, it's the Imprezza,
getting out of shape.
470
00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:48,240
? Going loco down in Acapulco... ?
471
00:33:48,240 --> 00:33:51,880
Absolutely no idea
why he is listening to that.
472
00:33:51,880 --> 00:33:56,440
Now, the Ford coming out there,
looking OK, good.
473
00:33:56,440 --> 00:33:59,280
That trick dif pulling it straight
in the Hammerhead.
474
00:33:59,280 --> 00:34:02,120
Let's watch out for understeer
from either of them...
475
00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:04,400
No, all pretty tidy.
476
00:34:04,400 --> 00:34:08,360
So, here we are, two turbo-charged
slingshots on to the straight.
477
00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:16,120
Into Follow-through...
478
00:34:16,120 --> 00:34:19,760
Ooh, Stig drifting
the Subaru like a mad one!
479
00:34:20,720 --> 00:34:23,160
Imprezzas normally
look like a gum disease.
480
00:34:23,160 --> 00:34:25,720
This one is a gum disease
with a spoiler on it.
481
00:34:25,720 --> 00:34:29,720
And with those blacked windows,
the Ford looks like a van.
482
00:34:29,720 --> 00:34:31,320
Just Gambon left.
483
00:34:31,320 --> 00:34:34,280
Two hatchback drabs
coming through there.
484
00:34:35,640 --> 00:34:36,840
And across the line!
485
00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:39,440
APPLAUSE
486
00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:43,680
I have the times here.
And the Focus did it
487
00:34:43,680 --> 00:34:48,520
in 1.30.8.
So, wet track, in between two 911s.
488
00:34:48,520 --> 00:34:51,960
The Subaru, though, I think, thanks
to four-wheel-drive, did it in
489
00:34:51,960 --> 00:34:57,520
1.27.7, so that goes there, look.
490
00:34:57,520 --> 00:35:00,960
That's some useful consumer advice,
if you are thinking of buying
491
00:35:00,960 --> 00:35:04,200
any of them, which you aren't,
because you can't. Thanks(!)
492
00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:07,160
Let's move on now.
It's time, in fact, to put a star
493
00:35:07,160 --> 00:35:09,080
in our reasonably-priced car.
494
00:35:09,080 --> 00:35:11,840
My guest tonight
is a prodigious tweeter.
495
00:35:11,840 --> 00:35:14,800
He tweeted only this morning
to say he was going to appear
496
00:35:14,800 --> 00:35:17,120
on the show dressed as a Mexican.
497
00:35:17,120 --> 00:35:18,240
LAUGHTER
498
00:35:18,240 --> 00:35:20,760
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome, Jonathan Ross!
499
00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:24,760
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
500
00:35:24,760 --> 00:35:27,360
Thank you. Thank you.
Hello. Hello, Jeremy.
501
00:35:27,360 --> 00:35:30,600
Very well. How are you? I'm good.
Have a seat.
502
00:35:31,640 --> 00:35:32,680
What?
503
00:35:32,680 --> 00:35:35,760
I brought my Mexican
wrestling mask along,
504
00:35:35,760 --> 00:35:38,680
so you can apologise in person.
505
00:35:38,680 --> 00:35:40,480
Put it away.
506
00:35:40,480 --> 00:35:43,640
There's just no possibility of us
mentioning Mexico this week.
507
00:35:43,640 --> 00:35:48,400
We mentioned it maybe twice,
I think we have got away with it.
You are back on the BBC?
508
00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:51,880
I'm back, who thought that would
happen? Not me. I had 20 quid on it.
509
00:35:53,800 --> 00:35:54,840
Are you a bit nervous?
510
00:35:54,840 --> 00:35:57,040
No. Why, should I be?
511
00:35:57,040 --> 00:35:58,120
No, back on the Beeb.
512
00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:00,280
I thought you were going
to come out to me.
513
00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:03,600
At least you have chosen
to come back on a show
514
00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:05,680
that never gets into trouble.
Exactly.
515
00:36:05,680 --> 00:36:07,960
And I'm a safe booking for you.
Exactly.
516
00:36:07,960 --> 00:36:13,360
Listen....do you have Tourette's
or do you know what you're doing?
517
00:36:13,360 --> 00:36:15,200
BLEEP BLEEP, you BLEEP!
518
00:36:15,200 --> 00:36:16,400
LAUGHTER
519
00:36:16,400 --> 00:36:20,360
Oh no, I don't. Did that come out?
520
00:36:20,360 --> 00:36:21,680
Yeah, you said it out loud.
521
00:36:21,680 --> 00:36:24,120
For me, that was just in there.
522
00:36:24,120 --> 00:36:27,800
No, I don't have Tourette's,
Mr Clarkson, but I do sometimes
523
00:36:27,800 --> 00:36:30,320
maybe go a little bit further
than other people.
524
00:36:30,320 --> 00:36:34,040
I always thought that was
part of what I should do.
525
00:36:34,040 --> 00:36:37,840
You are paid to do certain things
and feel you should push things
in a certain way and put it out.
526
00:36:37,840 --> 00:36:42,160
You had David Cameron on the show
and asked him if - what's the word
527
00:36:42,160 --> 00:36:45,920
I can use? - pleasured himself
while thinking about Mrs Thatcher?
528
00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:47,800
Yes. You did say that?
529
00:36:47,800 --> 00:36:49,880
And then there was Gwyneth Paltrow.
530
00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:53,360
You said you would like
to make a bouncy-bouncy!
531
00:36:53,360 --> 00:36:57,400
Look, when you were driven round
by Cameron Diaz,
532
00:36:57,400 --> 00:36:59,520
what were you thinking? Oh.
533
00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:00,680
Yes.
534
00:37:00,680 --> 00:37:02,160
LAUGHTER
535
00:37:02,160 --> 00:37:05,720
We know what you were thinking.
Many bad things. You didn't say
it out loud, but I was...
536
00:37:05,720 --> 00:37:10,040
The show I had on the BBC,
certainly part of the fun of it
and part of what we were doing
537
00:37:10,040 --> 00:37:13,040
was doing something very much
of the moment and that was the joke.
538
00:37:13,040 --> 00:37:16,320
I would stand by that,
even though that was one of
the complaints upheld,
539
00:37:16,320 --> 00:37:21,680
not made by Cameron, by the way.
who I would still love to...
Cameron? David Cameron?
540
00:37:21,680 --> 00:37:23,640
Cameron Diaz. Oh, Cameron Diaz!
541
00:37:23,640 --> 00:37:27,640
I thought you were
coming out to David Cameron -
a terrifying prospect.
542
00:37:27,640 --> 00:37:31,000
I'd rather come out to Nick Clegg.
He looks so much easier to dominate!
543
00:37:33,680 --> 00:37:37,240
We are living in strange times.
We must be careful that we don't
544
00:37:37,240 --> 00:37:39,160
trip up over anybody,
which means...
545
00:37:39,160 --> 00:37:40,720
We can't talk about anything.
546
00:37:40,720 --> 00:37:42,360
Well, your beard...
547
00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:45,600
Lovely. We might upset
beards and beardmen.
548
00:37:45,600 --> 00:37:49,000
Why have you grown a beard?
Why have I grown a beard? Mmm.
549
00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:51,680
It's easier than getting up
and shaving, for a start,
550
00:37:51,680 --> 00:37:55,120
because you only do this - zzz, zzz,
zzz. I did take a really big chunk
551
00:37:55,120 --> 00:37:56,640
out the bottom the other day,
552
00:37:56,640 --> 00:37:59,040
because I've got one where you
set it and it takes a bit,
553
00:37:59,040 --> 00:38:02,560
but I had it on the wrong one,
my wife was talking, I went,
"Yes, darling." and I had
554
00:38:02,560 --> 00:38:04,360
a reverse Mohawk,
with a big stripe up there.
555
00:38:04,360 --> 00:38:06,480
The opposite of a Brazilian?
556
00:38:06,480 --> 00:38:09,840
Yes, I do use the same one down
there, to trim up the old fella,
557
00:38:09,840 --> 00:38:13,200
because otherwise you get to our age
and you can't see anything there.
558
00:38:13,200 --> 00:38:16,480
I should explain, we are - we don't
look it - but we are the same age.
559
00:38:16,480 --> 00:38:18,200
Man, what happened to you?!
560
00:38:18,200 --> 00:38:20,800
LAUGHTER
561
00:38:20,800 --> 00:38:23,560
Well, I'm now... You were going
there, I had to get in first!
562
00:38:23,560 --> 00:38:25,880
I now walk up stairs. Do you?
Yeah. Have you never walked up?
563
00:38:25,880 --> 00:38:29,680
What did you used to do - crawl
on your belly like a snake?
564
00:38:29,680 --> 00:38:31,600
No, do you not do exercise?
565
00:38:31,600 --> 00:38:34,120
I do. I'm quite strong
at the moment, but a bit flabby.
566
00:38:34,120 --> 00:38:37,560
Can you do those things where you
lie on the floor, you basically do
567
00:38:37,560 --> 00:38:41,000
a press up and then just hold
it there? A plank, yes. You cannot.
568
00:38:41,000 --> 00:38:43,520
What's wrong with you?
You made out of jelly ?
569
00:38:44,480 --> 00:38:48,040
Get your clock out.
Get your BLEEP out?! I'm going.
570
00:38:48,040 --> 00:38:51,440
At least my hearing's still working!
What's wrong with you?!
571
00:38:51,440 --> 00:38:54,920
Get down on the floor. I bet you
I can do one for longer. Go!
572
00:38:54,920 --> 00:38:57,720
LAUGHTER
573
00:38:57,720 --> 00:39:01,480
I can be here for hours. I can be
here for hours. Are you in a rush?
574
00:39:01,480 --> 00:39:05,320
My arms are starting to wobble quite
badly now. They're not. They are.
575
00:39:11,200 --> 00:39:12,480
That was just bullying!
576
00:39:12,480 --> 00:39:14,080
APPLAUSE
577
00:39:14,080 --> 00:39:18,280
Otherwise, we would
have been there for hours.
I can do that, literally, all day.
578
00:39:18,280 --> 00:39:20,640
That is not an exercise.
It is an exercise.
579
00:39:20,640 --> 00:39:23,080
That is not an exercise.
All you have done is freeze
580
00:39:23,080 --> 00:39:25,080
your joints in place,
that's not an exercise.
581
00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:32,880
Give me a minute. It is hard,
isn't it? I'm sweating quite badly.
582
00:39:32,880 --> 00:39:37,480
You grow this. Now we have
passed 50, this has just appeared.
583
00:39:37,480 --> 00:39:41,800
I have no clue what you're saying.
I want to talk about cars. People
buy cars for different reasons.
584
00:39:41,800 --> 00:39:45,600
I buy them because they're loud,
James May buys them because
they're brown.
585
00:39:45,600 --> 00:39:48,400
Looking at yours,
you buy them because they're stupid.
586
00:39:48,400 --> 00:39:52,760
Well, you might think stupid,
but one man's stupid is another
man's cute and fun.
587
00:39:52,760 --> 00:39:55,480
Pink Ford Thunderbird?
I've got the Thunderbird.
588
00:39:55,480 --> 00:39:57,000
It is quite stupid.
589
00:39:57,000 --> 00:40:00,480
No, it's pretty.
I don't like driving around
seeing all cars look the same.
590
00:40:00,480 --> 00:40:03,880
I like Hammond, what's happened
to him recently? He's got very...
591
00:40:03,880 --> 00:40:06,920
In what way? He looks like -
imagine if you asked a girlie girl
592
00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:09,000
to decorate a scarecrow, that's him.
593
00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:10,720
LAUGHTER
594
00:40:10,720 --> 00:40:13,800
Somebody's bought him
an Adam and the Ants video.
He's wearing a necklace.
595
00:40:13,800 --> 00:40:15,560
? Stand and deliver. ?
596
00:40:15,560 --> 00:40:17,600
Does he think he's on his gap-year?
597
00:40:17,600 --> 00:40:19,120
LAUGHTER
598
00:40:19,120 --> 00:40:22,640
At least May, you know he's going
to be dull before you see him.
599
00:40:22,640 --> 00:40:25,320
MAY: I don't much like Jonathan
Ross, he's much too flamboyant.
600
00:40:25,320 --> 00:40:27,120
He didn't like me at all.
601
00:40:27,120 --> 00:40:30,160
Stop changing the subject.
Pink Thunderbird?
602
00:40:30,160 --> 00:40:32,680
It's coral pink
and I love convertibles.
603
00:40:32,680 --> 00:40:37,240
If it's not raining, even if
it's Arctic, I will have...
in the snow, I had my roof down.
604
00:40:37,240 --> 00:40:40,960
Just tell me, when you are driving
along then and people can see
it is you and everything...
605
00:40:40,960 --> 00:40:42,360
BEEP, BEEP
606
00:40:42,360 --> 00:40:47,680
Are people appreciative or do they
say other things? They love it.
"Hey, Wossy", all the time.
607
00:40:47,680 --> 00:40:50,440
The other ones -
a Messerschmitt and a bubble car.
608
00:40:50,440 --> 00:40:53,720
Is that two... The Messerschmitt
has got the seat behind each other.
609
00:40:53,720 --> 00:40:58,120
It's like a two-stroke engine,
but it's really weird, because
if you want to go in reverse,
610
00:40:58,120 --> 00:41:02,160
you press the key
and when you do the ignition,
the solenoid drops to the back.
611
00:41:02,160 --> 00:41:04,840
So you can get in fourth gear
in reverse. You can.
612
00:41:04,840 --> 00:41:09,320
You can go to something like
50mph in reverse in something
which is like a lunchbox.
613
00:41:09,320 --> 00:41:10,960
LAUGHTER
614
00:41:10,960 --> 00:41:15,240
You've got kids, family
and all that. There's nothing
in that list where you say,
615
00:41:15,240 --> 00:41:16,960
"Come on, kids, I'll take you in..."
616
00:41:17,280 --> 00:41:20,040
The one we use for the family
is the car we have had the longest,
617
00:41:20,040 --> 00:41:23,320
which is, we've got a Toyota Previa,
bought second hand 12 years ago,
618
00:41:23,320 --> 00:41:26,520
and we've had any number of scrapes
in it. The dogs have been sick,
619
00:41:26,520 --> 00:41:29,200
people have
dropped drinks everywhere.
620
00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:33,480
I think my wife did a wee once on
a long journey. We've all done it!
621
00:41:33,480 --> 00:41:36,480
I was saying to her the other day,
"You know what is a brilliant idea,
622
00:41:36,480 --> 00:41:41,200
"we should get together and get some
business, go and see the Dragons."
If you had a car seat,
623
00:41:41,200 --> 00:41:43,440
on a long journey, pull out a little
thing and it's a potty.
624
00:41:43,440 --> 00:41:48,320
Then when you go along, press a
button, a little panel opens up
underneath the car like on a plane,
625
00:41:48,320 --> 00:41:51,400
drops the poo and the wee
out on the motorway.
626
00:41:51,400 --> 00:41:53,080
Or outside someone's house
you don't like.
627
00:41:55,520 --> 00:42:00,000
I think we've managed to get through
the interview part of the interview
without too much of a problem.
628
00:42:00,000 --> 00:42:01,360
Thank Allah for that!
629
00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:02,600
LAUGHTER
630
00:42:02,600 --> 00:42:05,320
That's fine. That's all right.
That's positive.
631
00:42:05,320 --> 00:42:08,240
That's all encompassing,
that is multi-cultural.
632
00:42:08,240 --> 00:42:10,960
If you do have a problem,
write to us, at Jonathan Ross, ITV.
633
00:42:13,920 --> 00:42:16,600
So we get on now,
of course, to your lap. Yes.
634
00:42:16,600 --> 00:42:18,760
The last time you were here,
you got lost.
635
00:42:18,760 --> 00:42:20,880
No, I didn't get lost.
636
00:42:20,880 --> 00:42:24,320
Well...you stopped at the Hammerhead
and went like this...
637
00:42:24,320 --> 00:42:29,160
Because I couldn't... All right,
because there was no-one there
to give directions and the
638
00:42:29,160 --> 00:42:32,440
track had disappeared under a large,
let's call it a lake, shall we?
639
00:42:32,440 --> 00:42:36,520
It was a very rainy day, and I
went, apparently, over the line.
640
00:42:36,520 --> 00:42:41,240
Because you are clearly threatened
by me, the Alpha male, you took
time off me for that reason.
641
00:42:41,240 --> 00:42:43,760
You've got that arthritis
in your finger.
642
00:42:43,760 --> 00:42:47,560
No, this is a tragic story
from my youth. I chopped the top
of my finger off when I was two,
643
00:42:47,560 --> 00:42:50,640
because my mum had gone out to
borrow food from the neighbours -
644
00:42:50,640 --> 00:42:55,360
this sounds
so bleak and poverty-ridden -
I apparently crawled to the bin
645
00:42:55,360 --> 00:42:58,800
and got a can of beans out and then
sliced my finger off on the top.
646
00:42:58,800 --> 00:43:02,840
And you see the stitch marks,
if you look closely. Look at that.
647
00:43:02,840 --> 00:43:05,160
I did mine skiing in St Moritz!
648
00:43:05,160 --> 00:43:06,840
LAUGHTER
649
00:43:08,680 --> 00:43:11,280
Anyway, who would like
to see Jonathan's lap?
650
00:43:11,280 --> 00:43:12,320
ALL: Yes!
651
00:43:12,320 --> 00:43:14,000
Let's have a look.
652
00:43:15,760 --> 00:43:17,960
Right. Ooh, I say we're determined.
653
00:43:17,960 --> 00:43:19,920
Is that a good start? Ish.
654
00:43:19,920 --> 00:43:22,960
I think Clarkson arranges
bad weather for me.
655
00:43:24,160 --> 00:43:28,920
Here we go into the first corner,
still going round it...
656
00:43:28,920 --> 00:43:31,080
Is that good, I can't tell?
657
00:43:31,080 --> 00:43:33,240
Well, not very fast,
but sometimes...
658
00:43:33,240 --> 00:43:36,480
? I'm turning in nice
and I'm braking now, baby. ?
659
00:43:36,480 --> 00:43:42,280
..sometimes when a car looks slow,
it is actually quite fast.
660
00:43:42,280 --> 00:43:44,120
Boom. Third. Up.
661
00:43:45,560 --> 00:43:47,960
Here we go.
You have slowed that footage down.
662
00:43:47,960 --> 00:43:49,920
This is very slow through here.
663
00:43:49,920 --> 00:43:52,920
That's a good corner,
that's good cornering.
664
00:43:52,920 --> 00:43:56,360
That's where you got lost last time.
You've done well - got out of it.
665
00:43:56,360 --> 00:43:59,960
I was trying to go to third
and I went into fifth. Showboating.
666
00:43:59,960 --> 00:44:01,160
I was in BLEEP fourth.
667
00:44:01,160 --> 00:44:03,280
I put it in the wrong gear.
668
00:44:03,280 --> 00:44:06,040
Fourth sounds about right,
fifth, there. Pretty good.
669
00:44:06,040 --> 00:44:08,960
This is better.
And missed the BLEEP tyres.
670
00:44:10,040 --> 00:44:11,560
Whoa!
671
00:44:11,560 --> 00:44:14,560
The reason you look so slow
is because you are quite slow.
672
00:44:16,400 --> 00:44:17,920
Where are you going now?!
673
00:44:17,920 --> 00:44:20,200
He told me to do that.
Stig told me to do that.
674
00:44:20,200 --> 00:44:24,320
He wouldn't tell you to go off
on the grass. You are lost again.
675
00:44:24,320 --> 00:44:27,280
I didn't want to miss the
opportunity to see the greenery.
676
00:44:27,840 --> 00:44:31,640
There we go, across the line.
Was that my best one?
677
00:44:31,640 --> 00:44:35,960
It's a combination of various shots
to illustrate your driving style.
678
00:44:35,960 --> 00:44:39,400
It's harder than it looks.
It is harder than it looks.
679
00:44:39,400 --> 00:44:41,200
It isn't easy.
What did I do last time?
680
00:44:41,200 --> 00:44:43,320
I bet I've beaten my last time.
681
00:44:43,320 --> 00:44:48,280
I was low last time. You were
really low last time. Let's do it.
682
00:44:48,280 --> 00:44:53,520
Last time you were here,
you did it in one minute 57 seconds,
which would have put you about here.
683
00:44:53,520 --> 00:44:58,240
That was a lot slower, that car.
This is a faster car. Yeah.
684
00:44:58,240 --> 00:45:00,680
1.57. This time you did it...
685
00:45:01,840 --> 00:45:02,920
..one minute...
686
00:45:03,880 --> 00:45:09,600
..49 dead. Yes!
687
00:45:09,600 --> 00:45:12,200
That is a big improvement.
I'm up there with Jeff Goldblum.
688
00:45:14,960 --> 00:45:16,920
Yes! Thank you!
And you were in the wet.
689
00:45:16,920 --> 00:45:19,800
That's good. I'm pleased with that.
Congratulations. Pretty good.
690
00:45:19,800 --> 00:45:22,280
You have improved massively.
691
00:45:22,280 --> 00:45:23,720
You're still quite slow.
692
00:45:23,720 --> 00:45:26,760
I did better, though.
You did, but the thing is,
693
00:45:26,760 --> 00:45:32,160
we also have another little bi
of footage to demonstrate that
you're not really a car man.
694
00:45:32,160 --> 00:45:35,160
Well, listen, no. I know how
to drive. I don't think you do.
695
00:45:35,160 --> 00:45:40,160
Nor does it, it seems,
do you know how to get out of a car.
696
00:45:40,160 --> 00:45:44,600
It was too impossible to get out of.
Would you like to see Jonathan
trying to get out of a car?
697
00:45:44,600 --> 00:45:47,600
I wondered why they made me
pull over there to climb out.
698
00:45:47,600 --> 00:45:49,880
Here we go -
Jonathan getting out of the car.
699
00:45:49,880 --> 00:45:53,680
BLEEP. I broke it.
I broke something.
700
00:45:53,680 --> 00:45:55,520
Ha-ha-ha!
701
00:45:58,600 --> 00:45:59,800
He's out!
702
00:45:59,800 --> 00:46:01,480
Yes!
CHEERING
703
00:46:01,480 --> 00:46:03,880
That was hard. That was...
704
00:46:03,880 --> 00:46:07,960
You need to take part in Le Mans
where quick driver changes are
important. Say no.
705
00:46:07,960 --> 00:46:12,440
It's hard to get out of a car like
that and you've put things in the
way! Say no
706
00:46:12,440 --> 00:46:15,200
to any race involving a driver
change or indeed any race.
707
00:46:15,200 --> 00:46:18,320
I'll come back and try and slowly
crawl up that pole of yours.
708
00:46:18,320 --> 00:46:22,360
Oh, come on! This show won't be
running that long.
LAUGHTER
709
00:46:22,360 --> 00:46:27,880
It's been fantastic having you back.
It's lovely being back. Ladies and
gentlemen, Jonathan Ross. Thank you.
710
00:46:27,880 --> 00:46:31,080
Great fun. Thank you very much.
You've been very kind.
711
00:46:31,080 --> 00:46:32,600
Thank you.
712
00:46:39,520 --> 00:46:42,600
Right, back to the main story.
713
00:46:42,600 --> 00:46:47,880
We've had a letter from a leading
light in the Albanian Mafia asking us
to find out which is best -
714
00:46:47,880 --> 00:46:54,480
a Rolls, a Merc or a Yugo
which, for complicated reasons,
Jeremy is using as a Bentley.
715
00:46:54,480 --> 00:46:57,280
Yeah. And he would not stop moaning
about it.
716
00:46:57,280 --> 00:47:00,040
You wouldn't stop moaning about our
interest in history. Yeah.
717
00:47:00,040 --> 00:47:05,360
Good point there. Word to the wise,
never go on a trip with two OLD men
718
00:47:05,360 --> 00:47:09,120
who keep getting teary-eyed about
the Cold War. Never go on a trip
719
00:47:09,120 --> 00:47:13,440
anywhere with someone
who believes the whole world
should be like Birmingham.
720
00:47:21,480 --> 00:47:23,480
It's market day obviously -
that's nice.
721
00:47:25,440 --> 00:47:29,000
Taking a wheelbarrow, shovel handles
and lettuce.
722
00:47:30,840 --> 00:47:32,960
These little tiny patches of land
723
00:47:32,960 --> 00:47:37,000
each with the little tiny house
on it, and people farming it,
is that to do with Communism?
724
00:47:39,000 --> 00:47:41,400
He is the stupidest man
in the world.
725
00:47:41,400 --> 00:47:43,200
I assume it is.
726
00:47:46,720 --> 00:47:50,440
Ooh, I've seen control towers
over there.
727
00:47:52,240 --> 00:47:55,080
I want to go and play
on a Cold War airfield.
728
00:47:55,080 --> 00:47:56,960
Oh no.
729
00:47:59,080 --> 00:48:05,000
'The airfield was abandoned, so
assuming straight line speed would
be important to a Mafia boss
730
00:48:05,000 --> 00:48:09,200
'we lined the cars up on the runway
for a drag race.'
731
00:48:10,200 --> 00:48:13,080
This is pure Mercedes territory
we're in now.
732
00:48:13,080 --> 00:48:17,560
The S Class might have the smallest
engine of the three,
a mere six litres,
733
00:48:17,560 --> 00:48:23,840
but that twin turbo-charged V12
belts out 604 brake horsepower
734
00:48:23,840 --> 00:48:27,320
and 737 torques.
735
00:48:29,400 --> 00:48:32,960
On paper, Hammond is right,
the Mercedes ought to monster it.
736
00:48:32,960 --> 00:48:39,600
But the Rolls-Royce does have 563bhp
AND it has eight gears
737
00:48:39,600 --> 00:48:43,520
where the Mercedes has only five so
this will stay on the power better.
738
00:48:43,520 --> 00:48:45,800
Anybody's race, this.
739
00:48:45,800 --> 00:48:48,120
Well, not ANYONE'S.
740
00:48:49,720 --> 00:48:51,440
ENGINES REV
741
00:48:51,440 --> 00:48:54,560
ENGINE FAILS TO TICK OVER
742
00:48:54,560 --> 00:48:56,160
Can I have a push?
743
00:48:56,160 --> 00:48:58,200
This is not customary, is it?
744
00:48:58,200 --> 00:49:00,520
I want to get it going
and then we'll have the race.
745
00:49:00,520 --> 00:49:04,160
Yeah. Go! Come on,
put your back into it.
746
00:49:04,160 --> 00:49:06,200
ENGINE STARTS
Right...
747
00:49:06,200 --> 00:49:08,360
What?! He's gone!
748
00:49:08,360 --> 00:49:09,800
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
749
00:49:09,800 --> 00:49:12,760
They weren't expecting me
to do that.
750
00:49:12,760 --> 00:49:15,200
What kind of drag race is that?!
751
00:49:15,200 --> 00:49:17,800
Now, come on, Bentley, come on.
752
00:49:17,800 --> 00:49:19,400
We have the advantage.
753
00:49:20,320 --> 00:49:22,120
Give me a gear. Right.
754
00:49:22,120 --> 00:49:25,840
Three, two, one.
755
00:49:27,160 --> 00:49:29,240
TYRES SQUEAL
756
00:49:29,240 --> 00:49:30,840
Woah!
757
00:49:30,840 --> 00:49:35,640
God that Mercedes is quick.
Look at that! This thing
is unbelievably fast!
758
00:49:38,680 --> 00:49:40,560
100kph.
759
00:49:42,440 --> 00:49:45,240
Bentley now up to 130...
760
00:49:45,240 --> 00:49:48,560
Oh! Holy moly!
761
00:49:48,560 --> 00:49:50,440
240 kilometres an hour!
762
00:49:50,440 --> 00:49:54,160
153, 4, 5, 6, 7...
763
00:49:59,880 --> 00:50:01,600
260 kilometres an hour!
764
00:50:07,040 --> 00:50:10,520
That is actually
quite a big adrenaline hit. Oh...
765
00:50:10,520 --> 00:50:17,400
Quite interesting, the runway here
is...has got crazy paving,
and some of the slabs are mined
766
00:50:17,400 --> 00:50:22,040
so they can be detonated should
Albania be invaded by a country
that wants its, um,
767
00:50:22,040 --> 00:50:25,360
watermelons. We're doing 70 now.
768
00:50:28,120 --> 00:50:32,440
'With the drag race done,
I thought we should move on.
769
00:50:32,440 --> 00:50:36,000
'But I had forgotten I was on tour
with Brezhnev and Khrushchev.'
770
00:50:36,000 --> 00:50:39,200
James, you are in for a surprise.
771
00:50:39,200 --> 00:50:40,640
Oh, bloody hell!
772
00:50:43,840 --> 00:50:47,000
Oh, God! Oh...God...
773
00:50:47,000 --> 00:50:48,400
Those are MiG-15s.
774
00:50:48,400 --> 00:50:50,440
This is astonishing.
775
00:50:50,440 --> 00:50:51,720
That's a 19.
776
00:50:51,720 --> 00:50:53,320
Look at that!
777
00:50:53,320 --> 00:50:55,280
I mean, there's a lot of MiGs here,
778
00:50:55,280 --> 00:50:57,680
really a lot of MiGs.
779
00:51:07,240 --> 00:51:09,000
The drag race has murdered it.
780
00:51:10,400 --> 00:51:12,440
Come on, shut that,
let's look at this.
781
00:51:12,440 --> 00:51:15,920
I've never been in a better place
to let an engine cool.
782
00:51:15,920 --> 00:51:20,360
Oh! So these are MiG-15s?
No, that's a 19.
783
00:51:20,360 --> 00:51:22,200
This is a 19? Yeah.
784
00:51:22,200 --> 00:51:25,680
While those two are re-living
their Cold War fantasies,
785
00:51:25,680 --> 00:51:28,160
let me talk you through
some features of the S Class.
786
00:51:28,160 --> 00:51:30,120
For a start, I can a adjust
787
00:51:30,120 --> 00:51:31,600
the seat sides down here,
788
00:51:31,600 --> 00:51:34,480
the backrest sides,
the lumbar overall,
789
00:51:34,480 --> 00:51:36,520
the lumbar cushioning,
the shoulders.
790
00:51:36,520 --> 00:51:39,760
Then I access the massage menu
because I have a choice -
791
00:51:39,760 --> 00:51:42,280
slow and gentle, slow and
vigorous, fast and gentle,
792
00:51:42,280 --> 00:51:43,600
or fast and vigorous.
793
00:51:44,320 --> 00:51:46,000
Ooh.
794
00:51:46,000 --> 00:51:50,240
It's got... The ejector seat handles
are where your right shin is.
795
00:51:50,240 --> 00:51:53,360
This is just... Honestly
I have never been anywhere...
796
00:51:53,360 --> 00:51:55,160
Albania is like a museum. It is.
797
00:51:55,160 --> 00:51:57,800
Opening the boot lid,
it can be done with a key fob,
798
00:51:57,800 --> 00:52:00,520
or it can be done remotely from
within the car.
799
00:52:00,520 --> 00:52:02,440
But you don't want to just open it
800
00:52:02,440 --> 00:52:05,280
because how far do you want
your boot lid to open?
801
00:52:05,280 --> 00:52:06,680
I can set it here
802
00:52:06,680 --> 00:52:11,160
to open this much,
or a little bit wider, assuming
there's room, obviously.
803
00:52:11,160 --> 00:52:15,400
'Back in the scrap yard,
James was starting to get boring.'
804
00:52:15,400 --> 00:52:20,160
I think the 17 is interesting
because it points to
a lot of nascent developments
805
00:52:20,160 --> 00:52:24,880
in aerodynamics around that time when
transonic and supersonic flight was
only just...
806
00:52:24,880 --> 00:52:31,000
The TU-15, two-seater version of the
MiG-15 from the Korean War. I believe
that will have been built in China.
807
00:52:31,000 --> 00:52:36,400
When the relationship between China
and Russia broke down the Chinese
made copy-engineered MiG-15s.
808
00:52:36,400 --> 00:52:38,240
But the flaps still work.
809
00:52:38,240 --> 00:52:39,760
Ailerons, dear boy.
810
00:52:42,440 --> 00:52:47,800
'After James's interesting lecture,
I turned my attention
back to the Mulsanne.'
811
00:52:49,400 --> 00:52:55,080
I don't know that this new Bentley
is going to catch on with Bentley's
traditional customer base -
812
00:52:55,080 --> 00:52:58,240
Kerry Katona, Jordan, Peter Andre,
813
00:52:58,240 --> 00:53:01,080
John Terry, Brian Cline,
814
00:53:01,080 --> 00:53:04,600
Wayne Rooney, Coleen Rooney
and so on.
815
00:53:04,600 --> 00:53:10,160
'But would it be perfect for a
leading light in the Albanian Mafia?
816
00:53:10,160 --> 00:53:15,360
'Or would he prefer one of the
others? We realised we didn't know.
817
00:53:15,360 --> 00:53:17,200
'So that night, James and I
818
00:53:17,200 --> 00:53:19,000
'dreamed up one more test
819
00:53:19,000 --> 00:53:23,440
'and then, in the bar,
we explained it to Hammond.'
820
00:53:23,440 --> 00:53:26,040
What do you mean,
"We're going to rob a bank"?
821
00:53:26,040 --> 00:53:30,560
It's a great test. We rob a bank,
OK? Use our three cars
822
00:53:30,560 --> 00:53:32,320
as the getaway cars.
823
00:53:32,320 --> 00:53:35,000
The ones that get away from the
police and on to the ferry
824
00:53:35,000 --> 00:53:38,040
and back to Corfu are good cars.
825
00:53:38,040 --> 00:53:40,440
If you're caught by the police
and you spend the next
826
00:53:40,440 --> 00:53:44,160
40 years in jail...
You've got the wrong car and you
know what to blame. The Bentley
827
00:53:44,160 --> 00:53:47,040
might suddenly come good.
No, it won't.
828
00:53:49,040 --> 00:53:52,560
'The next morning,
we found a bank full of money...
829
00:53:52,560 --> 00:53:54,800
'and robbed it.'
830
00:53:54,800 --> 00:53:57,800
Going for a stroll. Look normal.
Look normal. Look normal.
831
00:53:57,800 --> 00:54:01,320
Yeah. Take the Merc,
that's the quickest.
832
00:54:02,800 --> 00:54:05,360
Oh, God. Hammond! Hammond!
833
00:54:05,360 --> 00:54:06,960
There we are, completely normal.
834
00:54:06,960 --> 00:54:08,960
TYRES SQUEAL
835
00:54:10,040 --> 00:54:11,960
My Merc...
836
00:54:11,960 --> 00:54:13,160
Clarkson, you BLEEP!
837
00:54:13,160 --> 00:54:16,160
Right, Rolls it is.
838
00:54:17,680 --> 00:54:19,160
Seatbelt safety.
839
00:54:23,040 --> 00:54:25,000
You utter BLEEP!
840
00:54:25,000 --> 00:54:26,120
ALARM BELLS RING
841
00:54:28,160 --> 00:54:32,280
TYRES SQUEAL
What a pair of utter, utter cars!
842
00:54:34,120 --> 00:54:36,520
Where's the sign to Saranda?
I want Saranda.
843
00:54:36,520 --> 00:54:39,480
Oh, zebra crossing. N-not ideal.
844
00:54:39,480 --> 00:54:41,680
Take your time, chum, why not(?)
I would.
845
00:54:41,680 --> 00:54:46,120
Saranda? Saranda? This way?
846
00:54:46,120 --> 00:54:47,720
That's the first time EVER
847
00:54:47,720 --> 00:54:52,400
in history, someone escaping from
a bank job has asked directions.
848
00:54:52,400 --> 00:54:55,840
Right, can we make it to the ferry
849
00:54:55,840 --> 00:54:58,680
to Corfu without being caught?
850
00:54:58,680 --> 00:55:01,520
Police, police!
851
00:55:05,720 --> 00:55:08,240
SIRENS WAIL
852
00:55:08,240 --> 00:55:10,120
No! Come on!
HORNS BEEP
853
00:55:12,160 --> 00:55:14,080
HE GROANS
Hello.
854
00:55:14,080 --> 00:55:15,640
Come on!
855
00:55:15,640 --> 00:55:17,840
Why did we rob a bank at rush hour,
Hammond?
856
00:55:17,840 --> 00:55:19,240
Yu-u-uh...
857
00:55:19,240 --> 00:55:21,520
Why didn't we use a cashpoint
like everyone else?
858
00:55:22,440 --> 00:55:24,520
HORNS BLARE
Undercut.
HORNS BLARE
859
00:55:24,520 --> 00:55:25,680
Yes.
860
00:55:26,760 --> 00:55:29,600
'Meanwhile, in the Mulsanne...'
861
00:55:29,600 --> 00:55:33,480
I can't see a bloody thing.
862
00:55:33,480 --> 00:55:35,560
Come on!
TYRES SQUEAL
863
00:55:35,560 --> 00:55:38,600
SIRENS WAIL
864
00:55:38,600 --> 00:55:41,200
Crikey, it's the Albanian rozzers.
865
00:55:42,560 --> 00:55:43,800
Argh!
866
00:55:47,720 --> 00:55:50,320
Really annoying me now,
keeps dropping down.
867
00:55:50,320 --> 00:55:51,680
How do women wear tights?
868
00:55:55,360 --> 00:55:57,680
Ooh, squeezing, squeezing...
869
00:55:59,120 --> 00:56:03,520
They're getting closer. 'Eventually,
the road began to open out.'
870
00:56:03,520 --> 00:56:05,080
Right. Go, go, go, go, go!
871
00:56:05,080 --> 00:56:07,920
Everything you've got, old Roller,
come on!
872
00:56:07,920 --> 00:56:10,240
Move!
873
00:56:18,440 --> 00:56:19,920
Don't pull out. Do not...
874
00:56:19,920 --> 00:56:22,000
TYRES SCREECH
875
00:56:23,960 --> 00:56:25,280
JEREMY: BLEEP!
876
00:56:25,280 --> 00:56:32,320
Strewth! How a bank robber lives
to be beyond 25 years old,
I don't know because it is stressy.
877
00:56:33,760 --> 00:56:37,200
SIRENS WAIL
'In a Bentley, it's VERY stressy.'
878
00:56:43,080 --> 00:56:45,880
The heat's all over me.
879
00:56:45,880 --> 00:56:49,440
Come on, Bentley.
880
00:56:52,240 --> 00:56:54,320
Climbing. Climbing.
881
00:56:54,320 --> 00:56:55,520
Ears popping.
882
00:56:58,320 --> 00:56:59,520
Big drop.
883
00:56:59,520 --> 00:57:03,280
'Annoyingly, on the damp
switchback road, Albania's Five-0
884
00:57:03,280 --> 00:57:05,000
'could keep up.'
885
00:57:06,800 --> 00:57:09,160
It rolls a bit more than the Merc.
886
00:57:09,160 --> 00:57:11,680
God. It's like trying to escape
in a bed!
887
00:57:11,680 --> 00:57:13,600
I might fall out.
888
00:57:14,640 --> 00:57:17,600
It's got the power.
But then you get to a corner -
889
00:57:17,600 --> 00:57:18,680
and this is a biggy -
890
00:57:18,680 --> 00:57:19,800
see, front's gone.
891
00:57:21,720 --> 00:57:24,960
Any curve, any dampness
and you've... Whoa.
892
00:57:34,320 --> 00:57:38,160
'Mercifully, though, the road soon
straightened out which meant
893
00:57:38,160 --> 00:57:41,160
'Hammond and I could absolutely
fly.'
894
00:57:41,160 --> 00:57:43,200
Go, go, go, go, go!
895
00:57:45,400 --> 00:57:51,000
Oh! What a machine! Yes! I like it.
896
00:57:51,000 --> 00:57:53,040
It's faster than I was expecting,
this Rolls.
897
00:57:55,040 --> 00:57:57,840
It is genuinely jaw-dropping
this thing.
898
00:58:00,120 --> 00:58:03,160
It feels SO fast.
899
00:58:05,760 --> 00:58:08,480
I think I just got air
in a Rolls-Royce.
900
00:58:08,480 --> 00:58:10,480
I think I did.
901
00:58:10,480 --> 00:58:13,800
'For James, though,
things weren't going so well.'
902
00:58:13,800 --> 00:58:17,240
They're gaining. They're gaining.
903
00:58:17,240 --> 00:58:22,600
No! Catastrophic understeer.
904
00:58:22,600 --> 00:58:27,040
'Up front, Richard and I had left
the rozzers far behind.'
905
00:58:30,440 --> 00:58:32,720
The ferry is near now.
906
00:58:32,720 --> 00:58:34,280
Good car, this.
907
00:58:34,280 --> 00:58:35,520
Not as good as my Merc
908
00:58:35,520 --> 00:58:37,160
but a good car none the less.
909
00:58:38,200 --> 00:58:42,360
This is the getaway car
of the century.
910
00:58:42,360 --> 00:58:44,440
If you are a leading light
911
00:58:44,440 --> 00:58:47,880
in the Albanian Mafia,
look no further.
912
00:58:50,200 --> 00:58:56,640
'Eventually, we made it to the ferry
terminal and could taste
the freedom.'
913
00:58:56,640 --> 00:59:01,400
Go, just go! Hang on,
shouldn't we wait for James?
914
00:59:01,400 --> 00:59:06,040
'But James was in big trouble
because the cars chasing us
had stopped
915
00:59:06,040 --> 00:59:08,440
'and formed a road block.'
916
00:59:10,160 --> 00:59:12,720
You'll never take me alive, copper.
917
00:59:16,400 --> 00:59:18,280
I'll see you in Spain, lads!
918
00:59:23,400 --> 00:59:25,160
Argh!
919
00:59:25,160 --> 00:59:27,360
GROANING
920
00:59:40,480 --> 00:59:43,520
See you, James.
It probably didn't hurt much.
921
00:59:43,520 --> 00:59:45,800
No... Ha-ha-ha!
922
00:59:45,800 --> 00:59:49,880
So James May is dead. Anyway...
923
00:59:49,880 --> 00:59:54,040
APPLAUSE
I love Albania.
Could you have made THAT
924
00:59:54,040 --> 00:59:57,960
in any other country in the world?
Exactly. Anyway,
925
00:59:57,960 --> 01:00:02,840
we must now choose which of the cars
is best. Yes,
926
01:00:02,840 --> 01:00:05,240
I suppose we must.
I prefer the Merc, definitely.
927
01:00:05,240 --> 01:00:10,640
I know that the late James May
preferred the Rolls-Royce.
He made that very clear.
928
01:00:10,640 --> 01:00:14,400
And as the Bentley
is plainly rubbish, I think
you have the casting vote.
929
01:00:14,400 --> 01:00:18,280
If you were a leading light
of the Albanian Mafia,
which car would you buy?
930
01:00:18,280 --> 01:00:22,280
If I was a leading light
in the Albanian Mafia,
I wouldn't BUY either of them.
931
01:00:22,280 --> 01:00:26,840
Good point. OK, which do you prefer?
I am minded to say the Rolls-Royce.
932
01:00:26,840 --> 01:00:29,080
But the problem is,
if you have one of these,
933
01:00:29,080 --> 01:00:33,360
one day you will pull up at a set
of lights and alongside
934
01:00:33,360 --> 01:00:36,920
will slide Simon Cowell in his
bigger Phantom and he'll go...
935
01:00:36,920 --> 01:00:39,040
LAUGHTER
936
01:00:39,040 --> 01:00:44,440
I know what you mean. Be honest,
you would only buy the Ghost because
you couldn't afford the Phantom.
937
01:00:44,440 --> 01:00:46,960
Because I don't want that, I'd have
the Mercedes. Yes!
938
01:00:46,960 --> 01:00:49,120
It's not really a bombshell, is it?
939
01:00:49,120 --> 01:00:52,080
James's death is a bombshell.
It's an inconvenience, yes.
940
01:00:52,080 --> 01:00:55,160
That's true. So on that
inconvenience, it's time to end.
941
01:00:55,160 --> 01:00:58,520
Thank you so much for watching.
See you next week. Good night.
942
01:00:58,520 --> 01:01:00,560
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
943
01:01:00,561 --> 01:01:01,561
Synch and correct by JustFuckingShit (or teftel)
www.addic7ed.com
944
01:01:18,000 --> 01:01:21,040
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.
945
01:01:21,040 --> 01:01:24,080
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
82753
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