Original subtitles

It must make 348 pieces per minute.

It won't work. Only 340 pieces.

8 less pieces. Why?

348,...

Look how nice. It has human moves.

To hell! There's no tweak. It must make 348 pieces.

348, 3-4-8,...

It's German.

3-4-8,...

...3-4-8...

...3-4-8...

...3-4-8.

Mr Mario, there's the man with the balloons in there.

Original ideas are needed for Christmas this year.

Forget the balloons. - May I blow up it?

Feel free to do. It's pointless, though.

Yes, Giovanna,...see you at my home as usual.

Bye.

Well, look, for example, this one has a whistle in.

That's the nicest one, look.

I'd like to blow up it, if you... - Please do.

Wow! - Look how long it is.

Excuse me, sir.

No, I don't like it, sir.

I don't think that it's suitable for kids.

What a pity. It has a striking whistle in.

Ok, miss, we're gonna talk about it next monday.

As you wish.

Do I wait for you to close the office? - Yes.

Sir, may I go out for lunch?

Sir, please may I blow up another one?

Look how wonderful is this white one! - Sure.

May I? - Yes, please do.

You need a good pair of lungs like a trumpeter for these balloons.

Kids have got a peachy thoracic capacity though.

Furio... look what your master is giving you... play!

Come on.

Can you see, sir? Even the dog has no fun, forget it...

I bought some German machines to bring my factory up to date.

Ad has to be suitable and smart. - That's an effective traditional...

...kind of ad, look how nice is the motto: "LONG LIVE MOM".

Yes, it's nice. Don't you have some Japanese gadgets?

No, look how a balloons works, I certify it as always effective.

Can I have just another moment of your time? - Yes, I'm here.

Look....Have you seen? At this point a kid is upset.

He cries. So you'll sell another pack of sweets.

Brilliant idea. - Can you see how this ad is effective thus?

Listen, sir, I like you, to do you a favour I'll buy some...

...of them but for cheap, agreed? - Ok, thanks, so let's place...

...an order right away. Thanks again.

Look, sir, this is the last year. - You know, holidays are coming,...

...so please decide as soon as possible. - Yes, ok.

Give me, thanks. - It's really a nice dog.

Come on, get in. - Dogs are the best friends of men.

They are also grateful. - Excuse me.

By all means.

You may decide at home at your convenience.

Ok. - I'm choosing the most interesting sorts for you.

Look, sir, here's a small selection for you.

Think of what suspence there's on blowing up a balloon...

Yes. - Forget the Japanese gadgets.

Goodbye sir and thanks.

You'll see what suspence.

Do not pull! I’ll smash your face in!

Augusto!

Good morning, engineer. Those carpets have arrived.

Fine.

It's nice, isn't it? Why don't you buy?

Look at what they could make of this base stone.

Look at the chin and the crease of the neck.

I don't know where I could place it.

Your business of carpets was so good and now you come to Milan...

...to put up unearthed things for sale?

You'll shut in a month. Be back to the carpets, Naples!

Let's see the stuff. - Look, you're wrong, engineer.

Are you upset about the strike? - No, I produce sweets,...

...that strike concerns the metal workers.

Watch out for the dog. - Rosamaria, the carpets for the engineer.

Rosamaria!

Good evening, engineer.

Hi.

Where are my carpets?

Here. These are the carpets put aside for you. - These ones?

No... so we never understand each other!

No, they are too colourful, moreover they are brand new.

Phew! That one?

This one?

Not so bad...

Is it true that you're a teacher?

Yes but I didn't partecipate in the competition.

Oh, poor thing! It doesn't matter though, you're beautiful, soft...

I ought to eat less. - No, you're wrong.

Will you give me a little kiss?

No.

I don't like the carpets.

Bye.

Goodbye, engineer.

Are they nice, engineer? - How horrible!

What? Don't you like them?

I had asked you for some ancient Chinese carpets with a simple...

...design and burnt colours like beige, brown, dark brown...

...like Furio's fur, look. - Ok, I'll try to find them.

What about the sculpted head, engineer? - No.

Look that these unearthed things will go away in a month...

Sure, that'll be the day! If you've a gardener as a friend,...

...find some medlar trees for me.

Medlar trees are going to disappear.

Medlar trees... that's not my field but I'll be searching.

Sorry, I've been driving around for a while but there's no parking.

Look that your car can't be parked here. - Just two minutes...

...and I'm going away, moreover I'm here.

But the other cars have to get out of here!

Come on, move.

Go! Come on!

Come away! There's a parking for everyone.

Come on!

They brought the morning dress for you, but you'd have seen...

...how they did it, it was all wrinkled, it looked like a rag.

They even asked for a tip, so I said to them: "Go, loafers!".

"Go away!" - Yes, that's your usual big deal, I've understood.

What are you doing? - Well, I'm cleaning a residual stain.

A stain? Where?

Here it is.

Look.

This small one. - Which one?

This one? - Yes.

But, excuse me, there was an invisible stain and you're...

...making one this big?!

You've consumed three majolicas!

Why the hell are you using a sandpaper on the majolica?

Don't worry. - I do worry instead!

It's just in the middle of my entrance!

I'm obsessive about cleaning. - If you're obsessive,...

...you'd have your head examined! Fancy that!

Couldn't your wife do that?

Sorry but we've some guests for this evening, so she had to...

...prepare some dishes. - Really? So, I won't speak any further.

Your wife must come here, you go and clean your own home!

You're not obsessive, you're an idiot!

Hey! I say, what are you doing there?

Savino! How many times I told you that you must not bring...

...your kid here into my home!

My apologies, sir, but, you know, he was a nuisance to...

...my wife in the kitchen. - Come on, send him away.

What are you doing here? You and your mania of playing with water...

Go away! Come on, get out!

One day I'll put your head into the water and I won't fish out it anymore.

What? Are you beating your own father!? You'll go to hell...

...and even further down.

Close the door. - Oh, sorry sir, I won't be looking at you.

Why do you do that in his bathroom? Look, you got completely wet.

Understood? Then you'll get cold and your mother will pick on me.

Why do I have such a stupid son? Why?

Hey, you're still here, come on.

Well, take this... I want to give you a nice thing.

Take it.

What is it?

Balloons. - Balloons. - Well said!

Thank him. - No!

Here! - Hi.

Well, where are you going?

To the kitchen.

What are you looking for?

I'm thirsty.

Take a look at me.

Is it Carnival maybe? - What's up? Get to work!

Show yourself.

Am I handsome? Am I chic?

Do you know you're a maniac? - Yes.

You're always afraid of being late.

I'll choose my dress only next Monday.

Instead I... - You?

Listen, Giovanna, why do you always leave the Coke open?

It'll go completely flat, you know.

I was thirsty. - But I told you a lot of times,...

...tops exist, come on, listen to me, here're the tops.

There're tops for all the sizes of bottles, for milk, wine, Coke.

Look, they are very handy.

This one gets in this way... - Halt!

Do you know you're really cute?

Sure.

I'm ready for our marriage.

Anyway, you've to close any bottle by a top.

Then... - You're a bore!

Yes, I know,...then you've to return any bottle to the fridge.

Can you see what rotter that boy really is?

Maybe has he forgotten it this way by chance?

Well, look.

Take a look at this.

Look.

Do you understand that he's even evil?

As if one were so stupid that the thing couldn't be noticed!

Look! Look here!

Even the big ones.

Wouldn't you kill a guy like that?

See, he uses a scientific method: lengthwise and in depth!

No, that's it! Look here, the butter too! Look his teeth!

How disgusting! Two pounds of butter!

That breaks my heart, do you understand?

I can't really stand such a thing.

It's your fault. I've already told you to hire a real servant.

It's disgusting! If I only think he touched it, that disgusts me.

I can't use it anymore.

Come on, close it. - What is this?

Did you put some balloons into the fridge?

You're a bundle of fun. That's a blatant sign that...

...the stupid boy has come here, understood?

Now his father won't be able to deny that anymore.

Well, anyway, after we'll get married, I don't want to see...

...those two idiots all around my home anymore. - Yes.

How do you blow up it?

Leave it. You're just a little girl, you know.

You'd better keep your shoulders up instead or I'll make you wear...

...a corset, watch it. Let's go.

Let's go over there, come on.

Do you know we didn't even say good morning to each other?

Good morning. - Good morning, how you doin'?

Fine. And you? - Not bad, thanks.

And what about your father and your mother?

We're finally alone... quick!

Quick... quick and well!

It's our motto.

Oh my nice little sweetie.

Please take a leap, come on, take a little leap.

Another one.

Now make a curtsy.

Make a curtsy.

No... that way. Make a curtsy.

Make... make a curtsy.

Ow! Are you mad? Then a bruise will be remaining for 3 months!

That's the forfeit.

Let's stop playing.

Phew, this dog...

Why? - What have I done to it though?

Well, why don't make it retire? Look, it's fouling everywhere!

Why don't you have a little soft spot for it instead? - Geezer!

Come on, stupid dog. - Ow!

You've been seeing her for a year and every time...

...you make a fuss.

Can't you understand that you've to learn to stand her?

Please strip my boots off!

I'll be there immediately.

"Supersex, operation boots".

Well, let me see.

How long they are, where do they come up to?

They go on and on.

Come on.

I can feel the red garter. The red one.

Here it is.

Well, that's right.

Start to take it off from my foot, not this way.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Your legs are not so much straight tough.

Kind of you.

But your foot is nice, really.

What? Just the time I want to do you a nice thing!

So do it.

It doesn't surely make me sick like you when saying: "Wash your hands!".

May I rest my big head here?

How nice and snug it is...

What are you doing?

You've been blowing up a balloon since you came back home.

Do you enjoy doing it though?

Show me how much you blow up it.

Just a moment.

You're blowing sluggishly. Let me have a try.

May I?

Giovanna 3 months pregnant.

Giovanna 4 months pregnant.

Giovanna 9 months pregnant.

Can you hear? What's the baby saying?

Dad!

Done. Giovanna had her baby.

Will the baby be a boy or a girl?

Giovanna,...

...I'm playing our record.

Do your duty.

Listen...

Come on.

I'm not inspired.

Come on.

Come on. - Won't you move? Will you stay quiet there?

Ok, I won't move.

Do you swear? - I do.

Come on! Act for a while!

Are you my wife, aren't you? Well, so act for a while!

Come on, do what I've decided.

Hey? - What?

It's an order, you know.

The show begins. - Will you hold still?

Did you swear? - Yes, I did.

Well, I'll do it but it's not nice.

Drop the curtain.

Well, at least you could take a look, excuse me.

This is just for you and you keep on blowing up a balloon!

But I'm blowing by my mouth while I'm looking by my eyes.

Sure. - Go on!

Forget it! This is the last time I'm doing it.

Stop with that balloon.

Let's see at which point it'll explode.

Excuse me, go far away, it bothers me when it explodes.

Fancy that! - Come on.

Come on, don't look at me like that, you seem a child to me.

Well, it's strange, I thought I'd have blown up it much more.

Come on.

Come. - Fancy that!

Come on, come.

My feet are cold. - You may go on mine.

Do you like it? Is it good?

Mint.

It's not so bad, is it?

You've noticed it at last.

Washable nylon, 12,000 Lire per meter.

Feel how soft it is.

It feels like fur.

Look, I laid it everywhere.

Look.

Isn't it nice?

Everywhere, even under the bed.

I made everything sparing no expense.

Come and see.

It's soft...

Wait...

Excuse me.

Ouch! What are you doing? - Better not...

Excuse me, just a moment or...

...they'll say that I've hired this suit the day of our wedding.

Do fold it well. - I'm coming!

Fine.

Well... was that sweet good?

Come on, you can never be reasonable! - What a fuss about a balloon!

You're talking my head off! That fat man was right this morning.

Balloons are full of suspence... and not only for kids.

How can you make these things up? - What's up? Are you controversial...

...or asleep? Wake up! - Eh, hot water puts me to sleep.

Open the beater, come on, quick! And you, come here!

You dirty crocodile!

You're really mad... - Hey, look, I can't keep it down!

Damn, take a look! Coward!

He's mad! - It has an its own soul and will.

I'll drown it or you'll do that!

No, not this way! Water is going into my ears.

I had an otitis, damn!

Now I'll be going deaf for two days.

I can't hear.

Look, I can't hear anything!

Come, Giovanna, come.

Giovanna, come and see the baron Dracula.

The vampire bat...

...which is going to eat you and suck all your blood...

...biting you by its own teeth, zap!

Good. - I'm cold.

Come on, I'll warm you up.

So what shall we do? Are we going to the cinema?

No, forget the movies, especially on Saturday.

Sorry but it seems as if you don't want to stay here with me.

What? It's you darling who no longer love me like you did.

It seems that you've already got tired of me and...

...we're not married yet, just imagine...

Hey, come over there and you'll see, forget the movies.

No, you'll crack it!

Easy!

Look there, the workers.

Fancy them taking a look at us, they might be so jealous!

Come here.

Hey, can't you leave this balloon for a while?

Don't mistreat it, come here on.

Easy.

Ouch! You're hurting me by your elbow.

Easy.

So are you going to leave the balloon?

Well... I don't know.

Look at me! - What are you doing?

Hey! Giovanna, get out of there! Come here!

If they can see you, they'll call the police, you know.

Are you trying to be funny? You must be my wife, you know.

You're surely not my mistress! Fancy that!

Listen.

Guess what I'm going to do to please you.

I'll crack the balloon.

Are you happy? - Thanks.

I'm doing it for love.

Do not hide.

Watch the sacrifice at least.

Come out.

Look.

Hey, you've the same quirks as your father, you know.

Good evening sir.

Well, mayn't one be at his own home as he likes?

What if I had come here naked? Will you let me know when you come in?

What are you doing?

I was looking at the cats. - Well done, and then what?

And then I've to prepare the dog meal. - So do it.

You come in like ghosts.

You must say: "May I come in?" I'm enslaved by your service...

...by you or your father... where did I put them?

Ah, here... didn't you see 3 balloons here?

I threw everything I found into the dustbin.

Well, I must say, what if there was a wallet?

What would you have done? Would you have thrown it as well?

But there was no wallet. - Ah, you did see there was no wallet.

But you didn't see the balloons.

Look how disgusting.

Well, you can notice they're brand new, can't you?

Dear girl, nothing goes to waste, nothing!

What's up with you?

My father said that he found this at the butcher’s.

I think it's a bit large.

What is it?

Is it for the dog? - Yes.

Can it eat that? - Yes, if it can by a few of its teeth.

Ok, I'll give it.

Ring the bell and let nothing go to waste, understood? Ok.

Here! That unfortunate concierge's daughter is over there.

Come on, get ready while I'm going upstairs to the bearded guy's.

Why? - I must ask him for a thing, when I'm down we'll go out, come on.

Good morning, come in. - Hello.

What's up today, carnival? - No, why?

Well, so to say... is the bearded man over there?

He's in the lounge. - Fine.

What's up? - Hi!

You're shattered.

Well, I don't know... there're four women around the house,...

...so it's a mess.

Listen, let's move to a quiet place. Will you stay for a while?

Just a little while... I only want to ask you about a thing.

We can talk here, it's quiet.

This is Sonia. - Is she Russian?

If you like.

Tell me, did you take drugs yesterday evening?

Well, I don't remember...

There were people around the house, I fell asleep.

So I've found four girls around the house this morning.

And you won't imagine the problems I've.

Let's drop it! This afternoon is going bad for everyone today.

Everyone has to face even stupid problems and they don't know why.

Didn't you laugh when you looked at me coming with a balloon?

Why? Everyone has fun as they like.

I've no fun, I'm going crazy.

Excuse me.

Well, listen to me.

Tell me if there may be anything more absurd.

It may seem ridiculous to you... did you ever blow up a balloon?

You're a poet, so tell me why today I'm set my mind on knowing...

...how much air a balloon holds, it's a hobbyhorse, why?

Hang your clothes.

Gee whiz!

What's up with her?

Have you seen the balloon? - Yes.

Easy!

Well, console her. Not with your nails, be careful...

...or you'll crack it. Yes, I'll give you later.

Do not hold it this way indeed.

Come on, don't cry. - We got on really so well...

It was such a nice love story. - I'm afraid not maybe...

What do you know?

Why are you talking like this? - No... hey! what are doing?

Did he confide in you maybe? - Quiet! But I...

Tell me! Did he confide in you?

But I don't even know him, I'm saying that, if he went away,...

...it means that it wasn't ok for him.

Steady!

But he always talks to everybody, why doesn't he confide in me? Why?

He'll be back, you'll see, come on, don't cry, you'll see.

He won't be back.

What are you doing? Are you peeping?

Bye.

And are you leaving me alone? Egoist!

Where are the girls? - They're having a hamburger in the kitchen.

Listen... they've interrupted us before. - What?

Come here.

According to you... - Yes.

...how much this balloon can be blown up?

I've got my mind set on that since today.

According to you, how much can one...- Will you drink anything?

No. - I will.

Try. - Of course!

Well, let's eat something.

Do you want some celery?

Forget the celery!

What if it'll explode then?

Give it a try. If it has to explode, it'll explode.

What do you care about? - I do care about it!

And you'd have to understand it.

I'm a candy manufacturer, you're an intellectual with spiritual problems...

...and similia. - Really?

Sure.

Excuse me... - What do you want?

Is there anything to eat here? - So what to do? Must I blow up again?

Hold the celery.

Girls! Come here.

What do you think? Will the balloon hold more air or not?

Be careful.

Dunno. I've no idea.

Go easy with your nails!

Now I'll blow up it.

Watch out for the bang because...

See that it can hold more air? - Well done!

The problem is still the same.

Well, starting from a balloon, you made a problem come out.

What? Do you want to make fool of me?

Not at all. A big problem...

Here's the door open again! Close it!

Listen, grab a ladder for a while.

Hey, you can make a jam of those apples, you surely don't...

...let them go to waste, do you? Your brother bit them.

To be honest, they make me sick a bit.

Really? Just imagine how much they make me sick, come on, the ladder!

Come on, climb the ladder.

A pump must be over there.

But not the bicycle pump, a ball pump must be over there, take a look.

Have you found it? It's a small one, this short.

Have you seen it? - What's up? What's she looking for?

Nothing, she's looking for a thing which must be over there.

I didn't know that a box room was over there.

Do you know the ball pump? Did you ever play football?

No, I'm a girl, I don't play football... is this one?

What? Are you going to ride a bicycle now?

No, I told you that it's red!

Not now, of course! I used to ride a Bianchi racer as a boy.

Are you mad? Leave me alone.

Come on! Try to find that pump.

Which pump? - It's a small red pump!

Now do you really think that I can find that pump with all this stuff?

Oh, my God! What's this beast?

Uh, nothing, it's stuffed.

What is it?

This was Merino once upon a time. - Merino?

Yes, a dog which was at my home, it died during the war.

Stay over there. - Is this one the pump?

Oh, finally! Here it is.

What is it for? - I need it to carry out some experiments.

Which experiments?

Oh, finally!

She'll be very cute soon. Have you seen her eyes wide open like Bambi?

Listen, what to do? Will we dine out or not?

Why should we leave home? Now that I've found the pump? Are you kidding?

Where do we go on Saturday then?

I want to use a scientific method, my dear.

To calculate how many times I'll use the pump to inflate a balloon.

I don't want to give up so easily.

Men are all the same.

What does it mean? - What does it mean?

I'll happen to find you in a bed one day.

1, 2...what? With who?

3, 4... - With Bambi.

5...Eh, after all she has some nice thighs like yours...

Have you seen how nice are her hands and her breast? Did I say 5?

Make a note, instead.

6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12...

12? - Yes, I mean 12 blowings, come on, write down.

Come on, eat the soup!

May I go? - Yes, go.

Drop the bone, eat the soup filled with vitamins! - Listen.

Come closer.

13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19... - Come on, come here, are you afraid?

How old are you? - I'm fourteen years old.

Let me see.

20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25,... - Look how nice is this petticoat...

...with all the embroderies made by lace, lovely one!

...26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31... - Do you go to the hairdresser? - Three-time.

...32, 33... - Let me see... down! - Let her go.

Uh! You've a little ponytail...

...34, 35, 36, 37, 38... - Nice hair!

...39, 40... - Tell me, do you have a boyfriend?

Not really a boyfriend... - Go, go!

What does he do? Does he kiss you, right? Tell me.

You don't want to tell me. - ...41, 42...

Listen, so you'll get married. - ...43, 44, 45...- Not soon.

...46, 47, 48, 49, 50...- When I'll be back next time, I'll bring a shorter skirt...

...so you can show your little legs more. - Come on, let her go!

Listen, do you have the bra? - No, I don't, because my dad doesn't want me to.

Well, you don't need it. - ...51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57...

Go, come on! - Thanks.

...58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63...- Have you seen her eyes wide open like a fish?

...64. 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70... - Do you like the little girl, don't you?

Yes, I do. So what? - She's a new one!

Oh, yes! - Oh, yes! - Listen, you must become my wife,...

...I have no fun with these games. - Really?

Except that you women, when it's about kidding... what if I was serious then,...

...do you know what it'd happen? 71, 72, 73, 74...- 103, 104, 105, 106, 107, 108...

...75... - 109...

...76, 77, 78,... - 108,...110...

...79, 80, 81, 82... - 120, 121, 122!

Come on, stop it or I'll go away... - ...123, 124, 125, 126, 127, 128.

Well done! Let me go.

112...101... - ...83, 84...

May I have your notebook? - No! You may not!

...85, 86, 87. - Zero!

May I take a seat?

Why are you laughing?

Who knows...

I must make it... it looks like a zeppelin...

...I got the measurement in the middle...

Are you feeling fine? - Yes.

Really? - Leave me alone!

Would you like to have a whisky? - Yes...57, 58, 59, 60...

Would you like to have a whisky with ice, made by the new ice maker?

Pick up!

...67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73...

What are you doing? Are you combing your hair?

Show me.

You look nice with fringe hair.

What a nice little face.

Here I am, here's your whisky!

Look.

It's nice, doesn't it?

Right? Ice.

Where are you with the count?

How many ice cubes? 1, 2 or 3?

Tell me, Giovanna, what's that? Don't you want to understand?

Leave me alone for a while!

We've been together for the afternoon, we've been making love,...

...we've been talking together until now, let me do this job quietly.

I've got to the bottom of the matter, I know I can't be mistaken...

...as it's scientifically sure thanks to the pump, understood?

It's the same reason why German people are going ahead, because...

...they've got a scientific and mathematical method!

So... can't you go over there? Why don't you watch TV for a while?

Go and watch TV. - Do you know I'm a saint?

I've been waiting for you for the whole week, because you work.

Yes. - I'm not allowed to go out with anybody because you're jealous.

On Saturday I use to come and visit you here to have fun,...

...to stay with you and you say to me: "Go and watch TV".

That's fine, I go and watch TV like a saint. - Thanks, you're really nice.

Where are you going? - I'll be right back.

And what am I doing here? - Only 5 minutes... watch TV.

Where are you going? I'm getting bored of being alone at home!

You, come here!

Tell me, why have you left the balloons at my home?

Take this! - Idiot!

So what?

Come on, tell me something!

Touch it!

As I told you, these things cannot be solved empirically, you must...

...deal with them scientifically. - Precisely! Given that you're...

...an engineer, you can give me a technical advice.

Sure! Now I'm giving you a technical advice on Saturday in the afternoon...

...while I'm getting a massage! - Look, I'm blowing up it again.

Now it's going to explode, come on. - That's precisely what I want to know!

You touch. - Go.

Can I blow up it more?

Come on. - Touch it! Come on, tell me if I can blow up it more.

My God! You're a engineer! What kind of engineer are you?!?

I'm finished.

Little poetic cloud.

Come on, get a massage too. - No, I don't want to, I don't feel like...

Come on, tell me what you think about.

Have your say.

Listen, mate, I'm not a kid, I'm an engineer.

I don't like to keep on playing with balloons.

Yes, you're an engineer, I'm an industrialist,...

...I've my chequebook here with me, how much do you want for an advice?

Nothing! Look, as you have decided to nag me today in the afternoon,...

...this means that I'm giving an advice for free, ok?

So, tell me, come on.

Look... as you know, any result arises from a set of tests.

As to our case, there's a hundred thousand factors, for example...

...humidity, pressure... - Go ahead, I'm paying attention to you.

To exemplify and simplify, I've mentioned humidity and pressure...

Hello, Mario. - Mario! Here we are.

How come on Saturday evening? - Have you seen this man?

He comes with a balloon here, if his banker happened to see him, his overdraft will...

...be revoked for sure! - Words, words, words, now you're...

...bringing out imponderables!

Listen, you understood nothing and I must tell you that such an audience...

...here doesn't make me feel shy at all!

I've asked a very simple question which will make you laugh.

I want to know how much air this balloon will hold...

...because, if I stop blowing up and there's still some free space inside,...

...I'll be a failure! - Agreed, Mario.

Have you understood that I'll be a failure?

Why don't you take off your hat? - You, wait for a while!

So the problem is simple and serious at the same time...

...because if I can't do it, I'm a complete moral failure inside myself!

Since you have no moral problems inside yourselves, you're assholes!

Understood? - Agreed.

Take off your hat. - Take your hands off my hat!

What do you want? - Hey, it's for you, not for me...

Go sit down, please!

Excuse me, just a moment... - Mario, enough of this balloon!

...come here for a while, you studied philosophy so you must understand the matter...

...give me an answer, I've been here for half a hour...

Mario, to be honest, I don't want to, be quiet, come on.

You don't want to face to responsibilities, so I'll do it!

I'll try to blow up! - Bravo, take your responsibilities.

Can you see that it could hold more air?

Have you seen that it has been blown up, haven't you?

How about this now? - Excuse me, let me see this balloon.

Not bad, blow up it a little more, then put a nice little whistle on it, ok?

Yes, funny, yes, witty... you're all witty... yes, tell me.

Take off your hat, come on. - Mind your business!

What do you say about this? - I say: "Take off your hat".

No, I'll keep it on my head, ok? - So keep your hat.

Do you mind? - Listen, take that balloon to your factory on Monday,...

...then all your workers will be blowing up it.

You'll see how much fun all of them will have!

I must keep calm.

One group is ready, take it way. Don't you let get out again, ok?

Good evening. - Isn't there another way?

Staying out in the cold every evening we're catching a pneumonia.

Where do you want us to park the truck?

We must blow up balloons necessarily here.

What do you blow up balloons by? - By helium.

Isn't it dangerous? - No, oxygen is dangerous.

Is there a regulator for? - We've no regulator.

What if there's an explosion? - We go by eye.

How do you calculate the point?

Listen. - Good evening.

Where were you going while walking along the tunnel?

I was coming here. - Are you always going around with a balloon?

No, only today.

Come on, it'll be very cool! - No, I'm afraid, I want to get down.

Don't leave me! I want to get down!

No, my skirt!

Quick! Give me my skirt back, stupid guys!

These guys are going crazy, look! You're nothing but rude!

Give her skirt back and just don't try it again!

Listen, who has had the idea of these balloons?

The boss. - It's a nice and creative idea.

It may be creative but I'm going mad here!

No, my dear sir, you must keep calm here.

Where may I drink some champagne here?

Where will I bring you? Don't you see there're not even seats?

If you want to have a drink, I advise you to go to the bar.

Yes, thanks.

Champagne. - Champagne? Of course.

Excuse me, could I see the balloon flat?

There's a serious reason, which I'll explain to you later.

Sure. - Very kind of you, thanks.

Dear Benny, don't bother this sir.

What? - Have fun. - Yes.

They're the same.

Why does your balloon hold more air?

You don't need at all to put it on in this way in order to know me.

You have no fun.

Hey! Come down from over there!

Look, maybe there has been a swap of balloons!

I want to check it out!

You, come over there! - Come down!

Is it safe though? - Yes, it is. - Do you guarantee?

100% guaranteed.

Let's see if that one is yours right now.

Excuse me... let me check.

It's yours, you're right... look, mine is smaller... but why?!?

What does that have to do with this? - It isn't fair at all.

Even some men were born bigger and some others slimmer, so what?

What do men have to do with balloons now?

Anyway, listen... - Give me your hand.

You can tell me, you're a sex maniac. - What?

A sex maniac! - Come on, stop it! Even a sex maniac now!

There's nothing wrong with it, you know.

A sex maniac? I wish I were!

Bye! - Where are you going?

How come? We've to talk, come here. I want to get down!

I want to get down, please!

Man!...Let me get down!

Let me get down!

I want to get down, please!

Hey, that man is a sex maniac.

Will we help him in case? - Yes.

Hey! Throw the rope down. Sir, do you want some help?

That guy is a sex maniac.

Come on, we'll let you get down.

Are you ready?

Everybody's flying today!

Well, you've to solve a problem, haven't you?

If I've a problem, why should I have to tell you?

You've got tired of dancing and now you want to have fun with me?

Well, if you want to play, let's play then!

First question... how much air will a balloon hold?

Would this be a problem?

Who cares?!?

What? It's a serious problem, like another one.

Better, these are actually the serious problems which...

...let you think, you say instead: "Who cares?".

It's very convenient! - Such a problem doesn't exist!

Even balloons don't exist!

Balloons are made to explode!

Don't you have anything more serious to think of?

Do you know what you're? An impotent man! - Yes, do laugh!

Let balloons explode!

Understood? You're impotent! - What?

Look how I do that.

Done! Try!

Try! Try to explode balloons!

Come on, take heart!

Who is exploding balloons? Balloons are my own business ownership!

Stop it!

I'm a surprise.

What are you doing here? Tell me.

Please, come with us.

Hey! But...

Girls, what are we doing? I don't know you...

Let's go away.

Let's play a nice game with this.

Fill the balloon.

Guys, what are you doing?

Are you nuts?

Take it.

Take the balloon, come on, break it!

Well done!

Now we're breaking your balloon! - Come on, be quiet!

Why are you going through my pockets? I don't have a balloon!

Girls, what are you doing?

Stop it! Leave me!

How hot!...Who's this man?

A man who has nothing to do with this thing...

Now we're breaking your balloon, then we go and make love with me,...

...with all the three of us, if you want.

No, girls, I like all of you but I must go, I've some serious things to do, come on...

Hey, I'll join you.

That's enough! Girls, see you tomorrow...

Come on, I'm a professional!

A professional of what? I'd like to know.

Hey, girl, cover yourself up! And get down right now!

Hey! Go away!

Lechers, go away! - Everybody stand still!

Stop this farse with your shirt! Play a slow dance!

Bring the ventilator!

You... please get out.

Leave him alone. - I was just looking for you.

Get out please!

Leave me alone! I'm a professional and I've been involved in this farce!

Get out of there! - Get out, lecher!

Don't go away, sir. What a pity! The game is over. - Get out!

You're a socially dangerous maniac! - Well said, attorney.

And this? Where did you take this? - This is not mine.

Ah, it's not yours, is it? Who did start to make the bangs?

I've been seeing you, you know, I've been following you since the first moment!

A 500,000 Lire worth of damage has been caused. Who will pay me?

If you wanted to come to this point, my name is Mario Dinverni, my address is corso Europa 9.

Who does guarantee? - I can pay, otherwise call the police.

Good evening.

Please go away! And don't come back again!

What are doing here? Come in and have fun.

You're too kind, attorney.

Listen, may I make a call? - By all means. It's our treat.

Hello, Giovanna? Wait, I'm coming back... Wait! I'm coming!

Are you angry? Come on... I'll bring you a nice surprise.

Don't go away!

How can I help you, sir? - Didn't you give balloons to kids once?

Once but they have no effect by now anymore.

What a pity.

Good evening, sir. - Good evening.

Listen, do people always eat so much?

Sure, they eat a lot! They eat and then they forget everything.

Better than cocaine! - Really? So, let's eat!

What will you give me?

I've... if I had to advise, I'd give you this good risotto.

Yes, I'm going to arrange a slap-up dinner.

It's one of our specialities.

This will become cold before it arrives to my home.

We've a special thermic pack. - Really? So let's have a risotto.

Here! You look pretty this way.

As you combed you hair before, you looked like a mickey mouse.

Now you're a little woman.

Listen, don't you have a ribbon or a bow? - Not here.

What a pity.

Hello Giovanna. - Good evening. - Hello.

Well, listen, put a ribbon on, ok? - Yes.

Bye.

You, go home. - I stayed here to keep your young lady company.

I've brought a lot of stuff, you know, we're having one of those dinners...

Just smell! Sniff, sniff well!

Smell the truffle.

There're turkey, truffle, canapes and champagne.

You'll see how well we're going to be together, you and me all alone.

Two hours spent to go and buy some food?

No, I wanted to have a walk, I was so nervous...

Come on, make some room for me.

What do you want? - Nothing, I want to stay here on you.

Make some room for me.

Here.

But did you get it over with balloons? - Yes!

Have we made peace with each other, haven't we?

Yes! - No!

Yes! We've made peace with each other. Go down.

You smell good.

Come, come closer here. - No.

Come on, Giovanna, please. - No!

Come closer to me. - No! - Come. - No.

What do you want? Do you want to make love?

What? - Do you want to make love?

You've been really an idiot on wasting all this time.

Yes, I know.

Ah, no, your elbow on my belly.

Come here... I don't know what I'd do without you...

You've to stand me, along with all my defects, you've to say that you love me,...

...that you love me so much, so much! - So much!

Yes... you've to accept me just like I am because I...

Come on, get undressed.

I... - Come on, get undressed!

I want to make love with you. - Yes, sure!

Me too but I want you say again that you'll always help me...

...because I...

STUPID... thanks!

Do you know what I'll make of your STUPID?

I'm eating it!

Think of a foot with... - Good!

Let's keep on playing the game, come on. Write another thing...

...another thing that you think about me.

Very boring. - Ah, it's an old thing.

Now I'm making a drawing!

I'm doing it... here? - No.

So I'm doing it... here is it allowed?

I'm getting colder and colder and colder... warmer! Here?

Wait for a while.

Let's play one of those games that one can find on a newspaper.

Given a circle, imagine a nice drawing.

Well... let's imagine that this is a nice little lawn.

A nice little circular lawn.

Do you know what I'm going to put on it... in the middle?

A lovely daisy.

Wait..this is on the way.

No! - Is it cold? - Indeed!

No, if you move, petals are coming out badly.

Snip!

Do you know that daisies are a food? They are very sweet!

Come on! That's enough.

That's enough!

Is the daisy sweet?

Is the dinner ready?

Stop it!

It was the right one!

You bastard! I’ll smash your face in!

I’ll smash your face in! Do not laugh!

Look how I'm close to you! Within an inch far from your nose!

I'm within an inch far from you! Be careful! - Are you crazy?

Who is crazy?!? Look here! Look if I'm crazy!

I can command my action, you know, I'll cut your head! This way!

Have you understood that I'll cut your head?

You never smoke, why are you smoking now?

That's why you were calmly waiting for me and you're even a sadist!

But I'm going to put my finger into your nose and I'll smash it!

Understood? Do not laugh because I’ll smash your face in!

Say that I'm crazy because I want to understand! Say it!

Say it! Say that I want to think! - That's enough!

You've even an awful taste now. - I've even an awful taste!

Overcome the balloon!

But you're completely crazy! - Come on!

You, shut up!

You, young lady, don't overcome the balloon.

Try to understand the meaning of it... go away, young lady.

Go away. - I'm so stupid...

You'll be of no help as my wife. - I'm so stupid... - Yes.

...to stay here waiting for you, I'm so stupid, that's what I'm!

Stupid! - Yes. Go away!

I'm gently speaking to you, go away.

Please, this way. - I've to take my clothes.

Sure. - And also my boots!

Please come in.

I wonder how I could go to bed with you! Look that you're a freak!

Yes. - Egoist, unbearable... - Yes.

I'm sick and tired of waiting for you, you'll stay alone with your candies,...

...your dog, your money, your factory, your understanding!

What do you want to understand?

Go. Come back to your parents... who have so much faith in you.

I'm blowing up another balloon instead.

I'm blowing up a thousand balloons! ...Eat your heart out!

Open! Air! One, two and three!

A living room with three windows ...panoramic windows!

Done.

And I can see the Cathedral from this one!

"Frederick the emperor stays in Como!

Behold, a messenger is going into Milan at full gallop!"

Antique... thieves!

Furio! Come here!

Come. Me and you, who are serious guys...

...we're going to polish everything here, we've to eat, come!

Come. But cheese causes you acid stomach...

...I'll give you, I'll serve you, if the others don't care... me!

Take that, eat it! Well done.

I'm fixing you now.

I want to put you here in the middle, so I can look closely at you.

Done.

Little poetic cloud.

Now I'll show you.

Tasting...

Thermic warmth.

Do you like it? Later.

Now the truffle...9,000 Lire...

...500, 1,000, 1,500...

...2,000, 2,500, 3,000, 3,500...

...4,000. I'm stopping not to feel liverish.

I've to keep calm and follow your example,...

...because you're already a corpse, that's the truth.

Moet Chandon... Brut! 1944...

Who knows... Could it be true?

Germans stole everything... easy, scientifically.

Easy...

Pouring... froth.

I like froth... here’s to your health!

Would you like a balloon? It's yours.

Eat your heart out!

I want to blow up it a bit more, what the heck!

I'll fix you, my dear balloon.

I'm hanging you up here because you're disturbing me... physically.

Furio,...look.

Look! One has jumped off a window! Look!

Do not move him! Call the Red Cross! Quick!

What a nice Christmas! Look at that! Everything has been broken!

I don't know... his slipper! Take your slipper back!

Make way! Excuse me, but do you take care of your car only?

Do you know that the man fallen from over there may even die? Poor him!

Excuse me, what do you care about that?

I do care because you only worry about your car!

Why are you meddling in my business? - Don't you see the blood all around?

The car is mine, you know! - Ok, it's yours, but after all there's a dead man!

Surely I didn't tell him to jump off the window, so what? - Right!

Do you have a car? - Yes, here's my car.

So what would you say if I came here, kicked and banged into it?

It was a suicide after all.

So what?! The dead rest in peace, the quick have a good night!

Ladies and gentlemen, will you please come back in? The auction goes on.

Please... please, ladies and gentlemen, follow me, please.

Don't be like that!

Come in, ladies and gentlemen, this way, please.

I've been strangely asked for that sculpted head, currently for sale,...

...just today in the afternoon, by the man who committed suicide.

Translated by quidtum @ CG and KG September 2012