Original subtitles

(INDISTINCT CLATTERING)

(WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

STEVE: AJ! AJ: Yeah?

STEVE: Am I taking her downstairs?

She's cleared, right?

AJ: Yeah, bring her over to discharge area.

I think her friend's picking her up.

STEVE: Are you ready, Miss Franco?

♪ Gray skies are Gonna clear up ♪

♪ Put on a happy face ♪

♪ Brush off the clouds And cheer up ♪

♪ Put on a happy face ♪

MAZIE: Yeah, I'm here for Laura Franco.

Laura Franco! Franco!

- (RECEPTIONIST SHUSHING) - MAZIE: Don't shush me.

- Laura. Ugh! - RECEPTIONIST: Ma'am.

- Quiet.-What?

Oh, my God, it's bright. Sorry, I'm late.

How are you feeling?

(GROANS) Like death.

(SIGHS) Me, too.

Ooh! Steve.

♪ And spread sunshine ♪

I'm Mazie.

♪ All over the place ♪

ATTENDANT: I'm married. MAZIE: Mmm. Of course you are.

♪ Just put on a happy face! ♪

(GLEEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Put on a happy face ♪

I love you.

♪ Put on a happy face ♪

♪ And if you're feeling Cross and bickerish ♪

♪ Don't sit and whine ♪

♪ Think of banana splits And licorice ♪

♪ And you'll feel fine ♪

♪ I knew a girl so gloomy ♪

♪ She'd never laugh or sing ♪

♪ She wouldn't listen to me ♪

Even I feel sick being in here.

Thank God I'm here to pick you up.

♪ So spread sunshine ♪

- (SIRENS WAILING) - ♪ All over the place ♪

DOCTOR: Prognosis is cancer in the lower abdominal region.

♪ Just put on a happy face! ♪

JACOB: (SIGHS) You need a caretaker.

I can't do it all...

It's been a year almost now of tests and treatments.

(SIGHS) Fuck! I need time for me.

I'm sorry.

- Let's talk about this. - I can't.

Let's talk about this, Jacob.

Please, Jacob.

STEVE: Can she walk out without...

MAZIE: Yep, we're good. One foot at a time.

LAURA: Please don't do this.

You're breaking up with me? (GRUNTS)

- Wait. (GRUNTS) Jacob! - MAZIE: Delicate flower.

Jacob!

Jacob!

(SIGHS)

(YELLS) Jacob!

- (SOBBING) - NURSE: Shit!

Hey! Hey, hey, hey...

Jacob! (CRYING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

- (CAR HORNS HONKING) - (DOOR OPENS)

MAZIE: Okay.

- (MAZIE GRUNTS) - (BAG CLATTERS)

Oh, my God.

(EXHALES)

We did it.

Huh? Okay, slow walks.

Home sweet home.

(GRUNTS) I gotta pee. Oh!

How does it feel to be back at your mom's?

(UNDER BREATH) Not that she's ever here anymore.

(KETTLE WHISTLING)

Your mom sent you 12 pies, 100 cookies

and $5,000?

She loves to send sugar and dough

when she's on a diet.

What does she think? Carbs cure cancer?

(CUPS CLINKING)

What is that?

MAZIE: What's what?

There's a box and a bag over there.

- What? - (GRUNTS) Ah!

What is it?

Jacob called me and asked me to pick up

some of your stuff.

(LAURA SIGHS)

- (SOBS) - MAZIE: Oh, okay.

I know... I know it sucks.

Okay, I know it sucks.

But, you're home now,

and the surgery went well

and you got $5,000.

Let's take a beat here, okay?

I'm your ride or die, bitch, all right?

Every second, every minute of every day.

I'm fucking here with you, okay?

- Okay, thank you. - It's gonna be okay.

Thank you.

Wait, fuck, what time is it?

3:34?

Fuck! I have to go, shit!

I gotta go downtown, ugh!

I'm doing this really stupid reading,

but the producer wants to fuck me,

- so the pay is good. - Wait, now?

Yeah, ting! Laura.

You are a hero and a champion. I'll call you tomorrow.

Okay? Eat some pie.

Sleep and don't cry.

Don't cry.

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)

- MAZIE: Bye. - (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(LAURA SOBS)

**

(CONTINUES SOBBING)

**

(LAURA GRUNTING)

Why doesn't he love me anymore?

(SHRIEKS, CRIES)

**

DELIVERY MAN: Uh, package for Laura Franco?

(SOBBING) I'm disgusting.

That's me.

LAURA: It's just tissues.

- Okay. Nice. - I ran out.

Oh, well, I'm glad you ordered more.

(LAURA CRYING HYSTERICALLY)

- Hey. - LAURA: Good to see you,

- Amazon man. - Still crying?

(LAURA BLOWING NOSE)

He just loves her.

He really loves her.

(SOBS) I don't like that one.

DELIVERY MAN: Laura, good to see you.

LAURA: Thank you.

Do you mind if I...

I just... I really need a hug right now.

DELIVERY MAN: I don't know if I'm... Oh!

LAURA: (SOBS) I really needed this.

(SOMBER MUSIC FADES OUT)

- (PLAYING PIANO) - LAURA: (SINGING) * Hi ♪

♪ Hello, lovely to meet ♪

JACOB: Hey, Laura.

Could you come sing this for me?

♪ Please have a seat ♪

Yep.

♪ Coffee or tea ♪

What do you think of, um...

♪ Enchanté, my stranger ♪

♪ Stay for a while ♪

- Enchanté. - LAURA: Mmm-hmm.

- I really love the new lyrics. - (JACOB CLEARS THROAT)

(PLAYING PIANO CHORD)

JACOB: I actually wanna talk to you about something.

I want you to be the lead of House of Good Women.

LAURA: It's Broadway, Jacob.

It's my dream.

(JACOB CHUCKLES)

LAURA: It's everything I've ever wanted.

JACOB: I know.

That's why I'm offering it to you.

- (LAURA CLICKS TONGUE) - (DISSONANT CHORD PLAYING)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAURA SNIFFLES)

(FLOOR THUDS)

(FLOOR THUDS)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(FLOOR CREAKS)

(FLOOR THUDS)

Hello?

(MUSIC FADES)

(TRAFFIC WHOOSHING)

- (DOOR OPENS) - MAZIE: Laura?

(LAURA GASPS)

MAZIE: Hello?

(KEYS JANGLING)

MAZIE: What did you do last night?

- Uh, I read... - MAZIE: Hmm.

...made soup.

Worked on the music for House of Good Women...

- (MAZIE GASPS) - ...for a little bit.

- Oh, my God. - My voice is...

I forgot to tell you.

Little Yale drama bitch, Taylor Gregory, would not

stop talking about going in for Jacob last week.

I almost taped her mouth shut.

- Wait. What do you mean? - It's like...

The show isn't even that good.

Finishing School for Girls, written by a dude...

- Mazie, Mazie, Mazie, Mazie. - ...I'm literally asleep.

- Stop, stop. - Yeah, what? What?

What do you mean going in for Jacob?

Are the auditions out?

Yeah. Didn't you get one?

- No. - Why are you practicing then?

Because I like to keep my vocal cords warm.

- Aw, shit, Laura. - Wait. Did you get one?

Yeah, but Ellyn Michaelson is casting it,

and I don't fuck with her.

Oh, my God, I can't.

I mean, I... I thought that

at the very least he'd still...

Do... Do you think Jacob still wants me in the show?

I mean...

You did just have surgery a few weeks ago.

Maybe...

Maybe he thinks you can't perform right now.

And...

Maybe you can't. I mean... (SIGHS)

You still kind of have cancer, right?

(CAR HONKING HORN)

I guess, I...

We're here.

I love you. Give me a big, fat hug.

Oh, you're not...

- You're not coming with me? - Mmm-mmm.

I can't. I gotta go to karate.

I love you so much.

- I love you. - Call me after.

(LAURA SOBS)

(SNIFFLES)

Aren't you used to this by now?

(GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

- (RAIN PATTERING) - (THUNDER RUMBLES)

(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAURA EXHALES)

(PHONE NOTIFICATION DINGS)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(LAURA SOBS)

(SOBS)

(LINE RINGING)

No, no. No! (EXCLAIMS)

- (PHONE CLATTERS) - (WINCES)

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

(ALARM BLARING)

(FLOOR THUDS)

(THUDDING CONTINUES)

(ALARM STOPS)

- (MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING) - (FLOORBOARD CREAKING)

(LOW GRUMBLING)

- (INDISTINCT CLATTERING) - (LAURA BREATHING SHAKILY)

Hello?

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

- (MUSIC INTENSIFIES) - (LOW GRUMBLING)

(MUSIC CRESCENDOES, FADES)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(LAURA BREATHING HEAVILY)

(FLOORBOARD CREAKS)

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

- (MOUSE SQUEAKS) - (LAURA SHRIEKS, PANTS)

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

(SIGHS)

Oh, thank God.

- (EXHALES) - (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(LOW GRUMBLING)

(INTIMIDATING MUSIC PLAYING)

(MONSTER GROWLS)

What's up?

(LAURA SCREAMS)

(PANTING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(GROOVY MUSIC PLAYING ON RECORD)

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

MONSTER: Hey, stranger.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Wasn't sure what kind of tea you drank.

Hope green's all right.

(LAURA SCREAMS)

(GASPS, SCREAMS)

(SCREAMING CONTINUES)

- You done? - LAURA: (SOFTLY) Ah!

Great. Honestly... (CHUCKLES)

It's too bad you conked out.

I have this pretty neat monster routine I do now.

I think you'd find it to be,

um, (CLICKS TONGUE) very,

well, scary.

(CHUCKLES) You don't remember me?

At all?

1994? Tropical Storm Beryl?

Your mom was out late. Shocker.

You freaked out and saw me under the bed.

- No? - What? What is happening?

Okay? A little offensive.

What about '01?

You got in trouble? Opened the closet.

We bumped into each other.

Right? My beard was a little patchier

in my tween years.

Nothing?

Okay. Oh!

That, uh, that musical theater kid.

What was his name again?

- Benji?-Benji!

Should've eaten that little motherfucker.

You're a real temptress,

- you know that? - (YOUNG LAURA THUDS ON FLOOR)

- (MONSTER GROWLS) - (BENJI SCREAMING)

(YOUNG LAURA GASPS)

MONSTER: But I was young.

Can't be too hard on myself.

LAURA: This can't be real. This isn't real.

Are you gonna hurt me?

(CLICKS TONGUE) I don't know. Do you want me to hurt you?

(SOFTLY) No.

Then, what do you want?

So. (CHUCKLES)

I'm not really a roommates guy.

Uh, after you moved out,

and your mom started travelling,

doing all that spa shit.

I kinda, actually, realized I prefer living alone.

But then, tonight, you saw me, I saw you,

and then you were on the floor,

and I can't just leave you lying there like that.

I mean, I'm a monster, but I'm not...

a monster, you know.

Anyway, I thought about our situation,

and here's what I think we should do.

Do you mind?

I think we both take the night.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Rest, regroup.

Then tomorrow, you get up, you have your coffee,

you, uh, you pack your shit up,

- and get out! - (LAURA SCREAMS)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

But I... I can't leave, this is my house.

Well, it's my house now.

But I have nowhere else to go.

I wasn't asking.

(MONSTER INHALES DEEPLY, EXHALES)

(CRYING HYSTERICALLY)

- All right. - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

It's just that I'm talking to a monster.

And... And... And you're scary.

You're really freaking me out right now.

- No, stop! Please stop. - And I'm sad.

- I'm really, really sad. - (MONSTER SCOFFS)

I just need you out of the fucking house.

- LAURA: I'm so sad! (CRIES) - I need you out of the house.

It's a... Fine!

- Fine! - (LAURA STOPS CRYING)

(MONSTER SIGHS)

Okay, two weeks.

You got two weeks.

- Two weeks? - Yeah.

After that, you're outta here. You pack your bags,

you hit the fucking pavement.

And you know what else? While you're here,

you follow my rules. Okay?

Number one, don't get in my way.

Number two, don't tell me what to do.

And number three, if you tell anyone about me,

I'll rip your fucking throat out.

(SIGHS)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

- (MONSTER GROWLS) - (LAURA SCREAMS)

(YELPS)

Yeah, you better run.

(LAURA GRUNTING)

- Still got it. Still got it! - (MID-TEMPO SONG PLAYING)

**

♪ I won't be far behind ♪

(LAURA GASPS)

- (VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING) - Hey.

**

Hey!

**

♪ Hide and you're probably found ♪

**

♪ It makes no difference What you say ♪

♪ You can never get away ♪

♪ From me ♪

(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING)

(WHIRRING STOPS)

(SWITCH CLICKING)

**

MONSTER: That's enough.

For the love of God.

Play a different song.

Play a different song!

I'm so annoyed!

I'm so annoyed right now. (GRUNTING)

I had to do that.

Monster?

**

♪ You can never get away ♪

What'd I say?

(MONSTER GRUNTS)

(THERMOSTAT CRACKS)

MAN 1: (OVER TV) Yeah, I know.

I've been through this before.

She's everything you've ever dreamed of.

(CONVERSATION CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY ON TV)

(MONSTER SNIFFING)

(PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

- Hello. - MONSTER: Hello.

MAN 2: All right.

(MONSTER INHALES SHARPLY)

Can I help you?

MONSTER: No, I'm just looking for something to read.

Is that a problem with you?

No, it's not a problem with me at all. It's just...

MONSTER: Mmm. (CHUCKLES)

WOMAN: You didn't write very often.

Little books.

weren't very interesting so I tore them up.

It's cute.

WOMAN: A lady doesn't correspond...

Sesame chicken?

- Yeah. - Shun Lee?

- Yeah. - Cool. It's a good spot.

Oh, look, little dog. (CHUCKLES)

Lots of little things.

- Are you hungry? - MONSTER: No.

MAN 2: Well, you're right.

I already ate.

So you don't want any sesame chicken?

If I wanted sesame chicken, I'd eat some sesame chicken.

That's odd, 'cause you keep looking

at the sesame chicken.

I don't keep looking at the sesame chicken.

You keep looking at the sesame chicken.

- Let me just make you a plate. - I don't want a plate.

- I ordered too much, anyway. - Sure, give me the extra food.

- Let me just make you a plate. - Dying to feed me...

- Take some chicken, and... - ...your sesame chicken.

- let's stop talking about it. - Just give it to me.

Just hand it to me! Mmm.

Mmm.

MAN 2: From the very first moment I saw you...

(MONSTER BREATHING HEAVILY)

(GROWLS)

Ha!

Can you order some more?

(MAN 3 SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV)

MONSTER: Mmm.

The ratio of pork to dough

is a little off.

But I like the taste, generally.

- You're dripping on yourself. - MONSTER: Oh.

Look at that. Oops!

Oh, what? Wait.

- (MAN ON TV GRUNTING) - (MONSTER CHUCKLES)

This supposed to be a documentary?

Well, clearly not. He's doing it all wrong.

Strike down, not across.

You're flailing, man.

- (CHANNEL CHANGES) - Hey, I was watching that.

Oh, my God! Best movie ever made.

The music it... (SIGHS) always makes me wanna cry.

- No. - Give it to me.

- Give me that. - No!

(GRUNTS) Give me the remote.

- (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) - (MAN GROANING)

(MONSTER LAUGHS)

LAURA: Fine, I'm going to bed.

MONSTER: Oh, come on.

Just gonna give up that easily.

- LAURA: Mmm-hmm. - Fine!

(REMOTE CLICKS)

(MONSTER SIGHS)

They didn't have to go to all this trouble.

A small wedding would have been all right.

(LAURA SOBS)

(SIGHS) They really don't make movies like this anymore.

(SIGHS) Every time. (SNIFFLES)

Every time, it makes me cry.

(MONSTER SNIFFLES)

(SOBS)

(SNIFFLES)

Yeah, I liked it.

- Are you crying? - No. I'm not crying.

- You're crying. - I know I'm crying.

I mean, I'm obviously not crying. (VOICE BREAKS)

Are you fucking blind?

My eyes are dry and you're crying.

(SOBS) The movie was just fine, okay?

(CHUCKLES) You love musicals.

- No, I don't. Stop. - (CHUCKLES) Yes, you do.

- This is some bullshit! - (LAUGHING)

(SOBS) I don't wanna feel this way.

(PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAURA HUMMING)

(PAPERS RUSTLING)

- (PLEASANT MUSIC STOPS) - (GASPS) Shit.

- Hello. - (LAURA SIGHS)

Don't sneak up on me like that.

Come on, you're fine.

You going somewhere?

No.

- MONSTER: Hmm. - (OBJECT CLATTERING)

What are you reading?

A script.

Cool, who... who wrote it?

This guy... friend... I know.

Oh, a guy named Jacob Sullivan.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Very interesting.

Actually, yes, it is interesting

because I am contemplating,

maybe, showing up to the auditions today.

- MONSTER: Oh! - Maybe.

Is this the show you were telling me about?

The one you developed with him?

Yes. No!

I did not develop it with him.

I was just very helpful in the development process.

Yeah, those two sentences mean the exact same thing.

It'd probably be weird for me to just show up, right?

I mean, what would I say to him?

Like, "Oh, give me the role because you feel bad for me?"

You could.

Or I could threaten to eat him if that would help.

I mean, I could eat him. It would literally take me,

- like, two seconds. - (LAURA MUMBLES)

He broke up with me.

I mean, why would he... why would he want me

in the show if he broke up with me.

Uh, because you're good.

Because it's your fucking part.

(SIGHS) I don't even have an appointment.

- They're not gonna let me in. - Okay.

And I can't do a musical right now.

Look at me.

I just had surgery.

- So?-So?

- Look at me! - I'm looking at you.

- Look! - Uh, from this angle

I can see your back and your face simultaneously.

That's how much I'm looking at you.

- I'm a mess! - No, you're not.

- I'm a disaster. - Ugh!

(SIGHS) Okay. Don't go.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi, I am here for the audition.

Yes, so is everyone.

Right. (SIGHS)

Bye, diva. What part are you reading for?

- Uh, Laurie Francis. - SCOTTY: Okay.

Uh, I actually don't have an appointment.

(LIVELY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

(GRUNTS) Um, you cannot audition

- without an appointment. - I... I know.

I... I just thought maybe you could.

(CLICKS TONGUE) I know, I'm sorry you thought that,

but I can't help you. I'm so sorry.

Okay.

Okay, thank you.

Wait.

Why do you look so familiar to me?

Well, I... I actually played Laurie

in a few of the workshops

- in the out-of-town tryouts. - Oh, my God, right, yes.

Yes. Oh, my God. I remember now.

You were so good.

- Why didn't they... - Thank you.

...just offer it to you.

Aren't you and Jacob, like, dating?

Oh, well, that... It was, um...

- SCOTTY: Ooh! - Actually, we're...

- It's a little bit... - You guys broke up. Got it.

Say no more, okay.

Um, here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna squeeze you in.

Don't tell anyone.

Just, um, take a seat

and we'll call your name in a little bit, okay?

Thank you so much.

- That's so nice. - This business is hell.

- (CHUCKLES) - (LAURA SIGHS)

Oh, my!

That's Jackie Dennon.

- I love her. (CHUCKLES) - (WOMEN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Oh, my God! She's like... (SHRIEKS)

Oh, my God. (SHRIEKS)

Oh, my God.

Jackie, hey.

ELLYN: Oh, Scotty. You can cross Sarah Mann

and Ari Grace off the list.

Oh, is that a Ms. Jackie Dennon I see?

(ELLYN AND JACKIE SHRIEKING)

- (ELLYN LAUGHING) - JACKIE: Hi! Mmm.

ELLYN: Oh, my goodness! I keep forgetting

- how gorgeous you are. - Wait, look at you.

- Oh, thank you. - What are you doing?

Can I have the number of the doctor?

- Oh, stop! - (SCOTTY LAUGHING)

- (JACKIE MUMBLES) - I'm so glad you're here.

- JACKIE: Yeah, yeah. - Scotty, who do I have next?

Uh... Uh, you have, uh, Laura Franco.

Okay, Laura, follow me.

This one won't take long.

Okay, yeah. No rush.

- Bye.-Bye.

Uh, come on, Lisa.

MAN: (LAUGHING) Are you kidding me?

I think about that all the time.

ELLYN: We have Laura Franco stepping in.

Oh, shit.

- Hi. - JACOB: Laura.

Wh... What are you doing here?

Oh, I was... I was in the neighborhood.

I thought I'd pop in.

What a surprise.

I'm... happy... to see you.

Uh, you two know each other?

- Yeah. - JACOB: No.

Yes.

- ELLYN: Oh. - I'm kidding.

- (ALL LAUGHING) - That's funny.

Yes. Okay. Great.

- Yeah. - ELLYN: Um, okay.

- Okay. - Well, we have,

uh, Jacob Sullivan,

our celebrated director and writer here,

who you apparently already know.

And a few members of our creative team.

Okay?

Nice to see you... Meet you.

Yeah. Okay. Whenever you're ready.

- LAURA: Okay. - Thanks.

(EXHALES)

(PLAYING PIANO)

(CUE PLAYS, PIANO STOPS)

Oh, that's, uh, that's it? Just two bars?

Okay. Got it. Sorry.

Let's do it, yeah.

(LAURA EXHALES)

(PIANO PLAYING)

(PAPER BAG RUSTLING)

(VOICE CRACKS) * Hi ♪

♪ Hello, lovely to meet ♪

♪ You put up your feet ♪

♪ Do you feel the heat? ♪

♪ True, maybe that... ♪

Sorry, um...

Uh, can I... I can do better than that.

- (SOFTLY) That looks good. - LAURA: Can I...

- take it one more time? - Mmm, yeah.

(INHALES) * Hi ♪

♪ Hello, lovely to meet ♪

♪ You put up your feet ♪

♪ Do you feel the heat? ♪

♪ True, maybe this isn't ♪

♪ The right way ♪

♪ But please spend the night ♪

♪ Maybe we could find out ♪

(ELLYN SIGHS)

♪ And allay any doubt ♪

♪ This is it ♪

(COUGHS)

♪ Enchanté ♪

Sorry. Okay. One more time.

I promise. Maestro, from the top.

- (EXHALES) - (PIANO PLAYING)

I don't know what happened.

I... I... I completely blacked out.

My voice closed up and I was... I was doing

this, like, weird thing with my hand.

And... And... Oh, my God!

Ugh! I probably looked like I had no idea

- what I was doing. - MONSTER: Oh, give me a break.

- You know what you're doing. - No.

Clearly, I don't. 'Cause I just...

I just messed it all up.

I can't believe it. I failed.

I failed. And now...

And now my life is over.

It's... It's done.

But, whatever.

'Cause I'm probably not really that talented anyway.

Hey, you know who's super talented?

Like a really good actor?

(LAURA SIGHS)

Who?

Me!

- (CHUCKLES) - LAURA: You're not an actor.

- Yes, I am. - No, you're not.

Yeah, I'll prove it to ya. I'll... I'll do a sonnet.

- What? - Oh, no, no, no.

I wanna. Uh, I wanna do something more modern,

like some, uh, Eugene O'Neill, or Sam Shepard.

- Uh, I'm not in the mood. - You're not in the mood

for one of the great American playwrights? Okay.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

I can sing, too.

- No, you can't. - Yes, I can.

- No, you can't. - Five, six, seven...

(GLOOMY MUSIC PLAYING)

**

♪ ♪

**

- (GLASS CRACKLING) - Good?

Not terrible.

Okay, here we go.

How about Comedy of Errors?

No, I don't do Shakespeare.

What? Willy's the best.

- Willy? - That's what I call him.

Look, I... I'm just not that kind of actor.

I mean, I love the plays. I studied them,

but I just... I'm...

I'm not classically trained or whatever.

Well, you don't need to be classically trained

to do this.

There's no subtext in these plays.

It's all just right there on the page.

- Mmm-hmm. - You don't have to think.

You just...

feel your way through the words.

LAURA: Really?

Okay, Laurence Olivier.

Show me how it's done.

I will. Thank you for the floor.

Oh, I know which one you should do.

MONSTER: All right. (CLEARS THROAT) Whoo!

Here.

Okay, sure. Uh, give me some,

uh, give me some context for that.

Okay, SparkNotes. (CLICKS TONGUE)

Uh...

This is basically this guy

telling this girl that he loves her,

but it's confusing.

There's too much stuff in the way.

That's correct. That was a test and you passed.

(SIGHS) Okay.

(MUMBLING)

- Yeah, great. - Well, don't you need

- to look at it? - "Sweet mistress,

"what your name is else, I know not,

"nor by what wonder

- "you do hit of mine." - (CHUCKLES) Why are you

- talking like that? - Why are you laughing at me?

- I'm projecting. - Okay.

You don't need to do that. It's just you and me,

speak like a regular person.

- Oh, you know what I mean. - (CHUCKLES) Wow!

You know what I mean.

Okay, okay. Great, fine.

Back to one. All right. Ooh! I'm nervous.

(CHUCKLES) Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)

"Sweet mistress,

"what your name is else, I know not,

"Nor by what wonder you do hit of mine,

"Less in your knowledge and your grace you show not,

"Than our earth's wonder;

"more than earth divine.

"Teach me, dear creature, how to think and speak:

"Lay open to my earthly-gross conceit;

"Smother'd in errors, feeble, shallow, weak,

"The folded meaning of your words' deceit."

(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

"Are you a god? would you create me new?

"Transform me then, and to your power I'll yield.

"Sing, siren, for thyself and I will dote:

"Spread o'er the silver waves thy golden hairs,

"And as a bed I'll take thee and there lie;

"And, in that glorious supposition think

"He gains by death that hath such means to die:

"Let Love, being light,

"be drowned if she sink!"

(READING GLASSES THUD)

That was good.

Thanks.

Ah. (GRUNTS)

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

Shit, it's Jacob.

Tell him to go fuck himself, we're acting.

What? No. I should.

Well, tell him he's a limp dick,

- fuck face. - Monster.

- I should take this. - Come on. No, no, no.

Tell him his play is problematic

and riddled with clichés. Hey!

- Jacob? Hi! - JACOB: (OVER PHONE) Hi.

- Hi! Oh, shit. - JACOB: Busy?

- Hi! (CHUCKLES) - JACOB: Hi.

- Hi. (LAUGHS) - JACOB: I...

I wanted to call to check in about today.

- That's... That's nice of you. - JACOB: But, um...

(CLICKS TONGUE) I'm just gonna come out and say it.

I know you really wanted to play Laurie Francis

I really wanted you to play her too.

- I mean, I wrote it... - I didn't get it, did I?

I'm sorry.

LAURA: Don't be.

Um...

So, um, so, who got the role?

JACOB: Do you know who...

Jackie Dennon...

- is? -Yeah.

Yeah, I know who she is.

She's... She's good.

JACOB: Yeah, she is.

Uh, and she didn't audition,

but Mazie's making a name for herself these days.

So, I... Uh, we, the team offered her,

uh, one of the supporting roles.

Oh.

Well, uh...

I was thinking,

uh, you know, you could understudy Jackie,

since you know the role so well.

- Oh. - I should add that

the understudy would also be a part of the ensemble.

Um...

I know that's probably not

something you're interested in.

- But... - I'll do it.

Yep.

I'm... I'm so happy to hear that.

Uh...

I actually have to go.

- Have a good one. - Yeah.

- JACOB: I'll see you soon. - (HESITATES)

- Yeah, see you soon. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Bye, bye. - (LINE DISCONNECTS)

MONSTER: "To bait fish withal:

"if it will feed nothing else it will feed my revenge."

(CELL PHONE CLATTERS ON COUNTER)

(LAURA EXHALES)

Hello?

Mmm. What are you doing?

Nothing.

That pie is old.

Still tastes pretty good to me.

How'd the call go?

What did old dumb-dumb have to say?

- (FORK CLATTERS ON COUNTER) - (MONSTER SNIFFS)

He gave the part to Jackie Dennon.

Oh, fuck. She's good.

- Just doesn't make any sense. - I watched that show.

Did you see the finale last year?

When she...

I get emotional just thinking about it.

He hates famous people.

Yeah, she's also very talented.

LAURA: Oh, my God!

- Oh! - MONSTER: Are you okay?

I just... I feel...

Uh, I feel... I... (SIGHS)

- MONSTER: What... you feel... - Uh.

I don't... I... I don't know.

This doesn't feel good.

Yeah, you look a little sweaty, too.

- Are you gonna throw up? - Ah, yeah.

- MONSTER: Yeah. - Yeah, I really feel that.

- MONSTER: Okay. - So stupid.

- What are you doing? - (MONSTER INHALES)

- LAURA: No, no, no! - (SHATTERING)

- Those are my mother's. - Even better.

Monster, don't!

(SHATTERING)

(MONSTER LAUGHS)

- What is wrong with you? - Your turn.

Laura, try one.

Trust me. You'll feel better.

Stop holding it in.

Do it.

Come on! Come on!

Yeah! How'd that feel?

- Actually felt good. - Feels pretty good, huh?

- LAURA: Yeah. - Here do another one.

Give me another one. Okay.

MONSTER: Oh, yeah!

- (BOTH LAUGHING) - Oh, my God!

MONSTER: Look at you being bad.

(GROWLS)

- You're in trouble. - Whoa! Shit.

Oh, it's on now.

- (MONSTER GRUNTS) - (LAURA YELLS, LAUGHS)

No, no, no. This is my side.

Take the other side.

(GASPS)

(MONSTER YELLING INDISTINCTLY)

(BOTH SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

- (LAURA LAUGHING) - (MONSTER GRUNTING)

- (BOTH SIGHING) - You're a mess.

You're a mess.

Two weeks have gone by fast.

Really? Been two weeks?

Yep.

I guess, uh, that's my time.

I should... get out.

- Pack my shit. - Yeah, yeah.

- I remember it all. - Hit the pavement.

I remember those things that I said.

Thank you for reminding me.

Uh-huh. So...

- I better get on that. - Yep.

(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Stay.

I mean, only, only if you want to.

Okay.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(MAN GRUNTING)

(WOMAN COUGHS)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

I'm sorry. I just... Is anybody sitting here?

Yeah. No! No!

- I mean, no! Uh... - Yes?

- That's you. You are. - Oh, okay. Great.

That's who's sitting there.

- Hi, I'm Jackie. - I'm Laurie.

- Oh! - Oh, sorry.

- (BOTH CHUCKLING) - Uh, I'm... I'm Laura.

- Not Laurie. You're Laurie. - JACKIE: Nice to meet you.

- It's so nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

I know who you are.

(SIGHS) Can I ask you a question?

- Uh, yeah. - Does my hair look insane?

It's like so windy outside.

Um, yeah.

- JACKIE: It does? - It looks insane.

- Oh, no. It does? - Insanely good.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

- (LAURA CHUCKLES) - JACKIE: That's funny.

You look flawless.

- (CLEARS THROAT) - MAZIE: Shabbat Shalom,

fuckers!

- LAURA: Hey. - Hi.

- I texted you. - Sorry.

Look, it's famed director Jacob Sullivan.

Gonna behave yourself today, Mazie?

MAZIE: Are you?

Hi, Laura.

- Hey. - JACKIE: Hi. (CHUCKLES)

DON: Don McBride.

Stage Manager. I'll be managing...

You know what I'm managing.

- Reading starts in five... - (JACOB CLEARS THROAT)

Five, five!

"We cannot all succeed,

"when half of us are held back."

Malala Yousafzai.

Thought I'd start with a quote.

(PEN THUDS ON SCRIPT)

Hello and welcome to the

first rehearsal of House of Good Women.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

This piece, as stated in the title is, um,

a love letter to women.

It's an acknowledgement.

An acknowledgement of the terrible burden

that society places on women.

And a...

tribute to the strength,

and the courage

that women use to overcome that oppression.

But, uh, before we get started on the read-through,

I want to introduce our leading lady.

The incandescent, the brilliant Jackie Dennon,

- as Laurie Francis. - (ALL APPLAUDING)

Thank you, Jackie, for being here.

(CAST CHEERING)

- All right. - (DOCTOR LOVE PLAYING)

**

(INAUDIBLE)

♪ Any kind of lovesick blues ♪

♪ Don't see just any doctor ♪

♪ Here is the one to choose ♪

**

♪ I can give you... ♪

You haven't followed our rules, Laurie.

I know, Headmaster.

WILL: There are certain...

ways to behave.

**

♪ That you can think of ♪

♪ I'm Doctor Love ♪

♪ He's Doctor Love ♪

JACOB: Wonderful. Thank you all so much.

Don't forget to send your, uh, conflict dates

to Don.

Oh, and more importantly,

the theater is having a Halloween party here

on Saturday, and we're all invited.

ACTOR 1: Oh, yay! WILL: Ooh, fun. Cast bonding.

Hey, uh, I'll meet you outside.

I can bring, like, 10, 20 people.

What?

WILL: Hey, it's a masterpiece, bro.

- Hey.-Hey.

- Uh, your first table read. - Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

- How do you feel? - Thanks. Yeah, it's surreal.

You're doing great, already.

- Not that I need to tell you. - Oh, thank you.

- Um... - Um, hey, I was...

I was hoping we'd find a chance to...

JACKIE: Hey, Jacob.

- Oh, sorry. - No, no, no.

- I didn't mean to interrupt. - You're okay.

Just wondering if I could snag you for a quick second.

Uh, yeah. Sorry.

- Being snagged. - LAURA: Yeah, yeah.

Uh, but maybe we can talk on Saturday?

You gonna go?

Maybe we'll be there, maybe we won't.

Hey, Don, we're gonna steal some costumes.

- Not allowed. - MAZIE: Yes, we are.

- (HANGERS CLATTERING) - Wait,

what were you last year for Halloween again?

LAURA: Eleanor Roosevelt.

Oof! And the year before that?

LAURA: Abraham Lincoln. MAZIE: Ugh! God, Laura.

(GASPS) Ooh, I think you should bring a date.

LAURA: No, I don't think I'm ready for that.

MAZIE: Yeah, well, I'm bringing one.

He's this weird guy that I met at karate last week.

He's, kind of, like, stressed, but I like it.

- What do you think? - Oh, my God. No.

What?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(LAURA SIGHS)

No solicitations please.

Ha, ha, very funny.

What's happening?

Um...

You got any plans tonight?

(CLICKS TONGUE) Wouldn't you like to know?

(CLEARS THROAT) No, I have no plans.

- What's up? - Well...

There's this Halloween party at the theatre.

- MONSTER: Hmm. - And I was thinking...

Since you're already dressed for the occasion,

that maybe you'd like to come with me.

Are you asking me out on a date?

No.

No.

Well, I'm not gonna leave the house.

Why not?

Because I'm a monster, for one thing, and also,

I don't wanna hang out with your ex-boyfriend

and a bunch of musical theatre dorks.

Well, I'm a musical theatre dork.

Why don't you just stay here?

- (SIGHS) - It'll be fun.

We can fuck around with trick-o-treaters

all night.

Well, our whole cast is going so...

- Oh, well, in that case. - Please.

Limp dick, fuck face has enough friends.

- Stop calling him that. - What are you gonna do?

Kiss his ass all night and then come home

and throw a pity party for yourself?

I'm not gonna come home and throw myself a pity party.

Yeah, right.

- Please. - I said no.

- Fine!-Fine.

- Fine.-Fine!

- I'll go alone. - Yeah, you do that.

Well, you can... Can you get out of my room?

'Cause I need to change.

I was gonna make a salad anyway.

(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi.

Hi.

You look, um...

What?

- Is it too much? - No.

You look nice.

Thank you.

- Um, you know you could... - MONSTER: Hmm?

- ...still. - MONSTER: I should probably...

- Probably just... - Yeah, right.

Uh, well, have a good night.

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

DON: Laura.

Merry Christmas!

- Yeah. (CHUCKLES) - DON: That's just a joke.

Happy Halloween. (CHUCKLES)

- It's Don. - Yeah, I know.

You look great, Don.

I really... I really like your costume.

- Really?-Yeah.

- Yeah?-Uh...

Yeah.

Good costume to you, too.

She doesn't wanna talk to you, Don.

Excuse me.

Laura.

Wow.

Wow, to you too, my liege.

You look great.

- Hi!-Jackie.

Wow, your costume is lit.

(ALL LAUGHING)

You look so beautiful.

- You really do. - LAURA: Oh, oh. Thank you.

- So do you. - Oh, thanks.

Equally, equally as beautiful.

Um... Should we...

Do you guys want a drink? I'll get us drinks.

- You get a beer. - (JACOB CHUCKLES)

You get a beer. I'll be right back.

- Okay. - Thank you.

Well, you two seem like you're friends now.

- That's great. - Yeah, we actually,

we grabbed a bite before, uh, before the party.

A bite? Oh, fun.

Yeah, yeah. I... I like her.

Um, I did... I did wanna say

- to you... - JACKIE: Okay, guys.

- Two beers for new pals. - Oh, awesome.

- Cheers. - JACKIE: Happy Halloween.

JACOB: Happy Halloween. LAURA: Happy, happy, happy.

(JACOB CHUCKLES)

- (PEOPLE CHEERING) - (DOO-WOP SONG PLAYING)

**

CHORUS: * Who are you? ♪

MAN: * I am the voodoo man ♪

CHORUS: * Who are you? ♪

MAN: * I am the voodoo man ♪

♪ I'm gonna cast A spell on you ♪

♪ Well, who am I? ♪

CHORUS: * The Voodoo man ♪ MAN: * Well, who am I? ♪

CHORUS: * The Voodoo man ♪ MAN: * Yes, who am I? ♪

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

**

♪ And turn it To a head of you ♪

♪ Kiss your pretty lips ♪

(MUFFLED) * Then you'll know What I'm gonna do ♪

(ROCK N' ROLL MUSIC PLAYING)

(JACKIE LAUGHING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

- You came. - I did.

What are you?

(CLICKS TONGUE) I'm a business monster.

Are you having fun?

I'm having a terrible time, actually.

Hmm. That's too bad.

Should we take it out on the dance floor?

(YOUR PRECIOUS LOVE PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

**

♪ Every day There's something new ♪

CHORUS: * Ooh, ooh Ooh, baby ♪

MAN: * Honey To keep me loving you ♪

**

♪ And with every Passing minute ♪

♪ Oh, baby So much joy wrapped up in it ♪

TOGETHER: ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Heaven must have Sent you from above ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Heaven must have Sent your precious love ♪

**

WOMAN: * And now, I've got a song to sing ♪

♪ Telling the world About the joy you bring ♪

♪ And you gave me A reason for living ♪

♪ And ooh, you taught me ♪

**

TOGETHER: ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Heaven must have Sent you from above ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Heaven must have Sent your precious love ♪

WOMAN: ♪ Oh ♪

MAN: * To find A love like yours ♪

♪ Is rare these days ♪

♪ 'Cause you've shown me What happiness is ♪

♪ In so many ways ♪

♪

♪ Laughter in the eyes ♪

♪ Where tears used to be ♪

MAN: * What you've Given me... ♪

Should we get out of here?

(JACKIE CHUCKLES)

Yeah, uh...

I'm just... I'm gonna use the bathroom.

I'll be right back.

(SONG ENDS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)

(JACOB BREATHING HEAVILY)

- Fuck, you're incredible. - (WOMAN CHUCKLES)

(JACOB AND WOMAN BREATHING HEAVILY)

Stay here.

(WOMAN BREATHING HEAVILY)

(OBJECTS THUD)

Hello?

- (INDISTINCT CREAKING) - JACOB: Is someone there?

- (MONSTER GROWLS) - (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(FOOTSTEPS THUDDING)

- (TRAP DOOR CLANKS) - (JACOB YELLS)

(THUDS, YELLS)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING FADES)

Of course. Of course, he wants to be with her.

I knew it. Of course he does.

(GASPS) Oh, my God! Do you think he saw us?

Do you think he saw me? Do you think he saw us?

Who cares if he saw us?

I feel bad.

(SIGHS) I feel so bad.

- I feel really bad. - MONSTER: Stop feeling bad.

Why? Why did you have to hurt him like that?

Because he hurt you!

But, I... But I'm fine.

I'm okay. It's okay. I'm not an idiot.

She's famous.

She's more talented than me. She's more beautiful than me.

We're not together anymore. He doesn't owe me anything.

He doesn't owe me anything.

- LAURA: It's okay. - I disagree!

I think it's specifically not okay.

That prick broke up with you when you were

in the hospital,

- right after you had surgery. - Well...

He... He fucking abandoned you.

And he doesn't owe you anything?

What... What the hell are you actually talking about?

- Well, I'm talking about... - And the musical?

What about the musical? He wrote a role for you.

Yeah? He told you it was yours.

That he's gonna make all your dreams come true.

Is that what he said? And then a moment later,

it got kind of tough, huh?

And he took it all away from you.

You did what you always do here, Laura.

You supported. Yeah. Look at me.

You supported him,

you listened,

did whatever he needed, whenever he needed.

And what he did?

Huh? Taking it all away from you,

just to avoid facing you? That's not okay.

- But it is okay. - That's not okay.

- It has to be okay. - It doesn't have to be okay.

- Yes, it does. Yes, it does. - No, it doesn't.

It's not okay.

Laura, it's not okay.

(MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING)

It's not.

It's just not.

It's not okay.

- (SOFTLY) It's not okay? - It's not okay.

It's... (VOICE BREAKS)

(SOBS) It's not okay.

It's not okay.

It's not okay. (CRIES)

- It's not okay. - No.

It's not okay. (CRYING)

It's not okay!

(YELLING) It's not okay.

It's not okay.

(SCREAMS) It's not okay.

(CAR ALARM BLARING)

(IF I HAD YOU BY JIMMY DURANTE PLAYING)

(LAURA BREATHING HEAVILY)

**

(LAURA BREATHING HEAVILY)

(MONSTER AND LAURA GRUNTING)

**

- (MONSTER GROWLS) - (LAURA GRUNTS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(MONSTER GROWLS)

(LAURA GROWLS)

(MONSTER GROWLING SOFTLY)

(LAURA MOANING)

(LAURA GRUNTING)

(LAURA GRUNTS FURIOUSLY)

(MONSTER GROWLS)

Wow. (SIGHS)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Seriously, wow.

- That was awesome. - (BOTH LAUGHING)

(WATER RUNNING)

(WATER STOPS)

(LAURA CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHING)

(PIANO PLAYING)

You got a lot of tricks up your sleeve.

(CHUCKLES) Well, I got a lot of downtime.

- Do you know this one? - (PLAYING PIANO)

Yeah, I love this one.

Will you sing it for me?

- No. - If you don't sing,

- I'm gonna sing. - Okay.

(SCOFFS) Okay.

- Careful what you wish for. - I can't wait.

♪ I've been so many places in my life and time ♪

That's good.

♪ I've sung a lot of songs I've made some bad rhymes ♪

- It's a little off. - No.

♪ I've acted out my life in stages ♪

♪ With ten thousand people watching ♪

(LAUGHS) Come on.

♪ But we're alone now And I'm singing this song ♪

- Thank you. - ♪ For you ♪

♪ I know your image of me Is what I hoped to be ♪

♪ I treated you unkindly But darling, can't you see? ♪

All right.

♪ There's no one more important to me ♪

Okay.

♪ Darling, can't you please see through me? ♪

♪ 'Cause we're alone now ♪

♪ And I'm singing this song for you ♪

Yeah, there it is.

♪ You taught me precious secrets ♪

♪ Of a truth withholding nothing ♪

♪ You came out in front when I was hiding ♪

♪ But now I'm so much better ♪

♪ And if my words don't come together ♪

♪ Listen to the melody ♪

♪ 'Cause my love is in there hiding ♪

♪ I love you in a place ♪

♪ Where there's no space or time ♪

♪ I love you for in my life You are a friend of mine ♪

♪ And when my life is over ♪

♪ Remember when we were together ♪

♪ We were alone ♪

♪ And I was singing this song for you ♪

♪ You taught me precious secrets ♪

♪ Of a truth withholding nothing ♪

♪ You came out in front when I was hiding ♪

♪ But now I'm so much better ♪

♪ And if my words don't come together ♪

♪ Listen to the melody ♪

♪ 'Cause my love is in there hiding ♪

MONSTER: What are you doing tomorrow?

Um, um, I'm getting blood work done.

Um, hoping to get some good news,

and then I have rehearsal,

but then... Why?

Do you wanna do something?

- Yeah. - (MONSTER CHUCKLES)

Um, let's say 8:00?

Yeah, 8:00 is good.

- I like 8:00. - Me, too.

Okay, I will...

see you at 8:00.

- Yeah, um... - Okay.

- Goodnight.-Goodnight.

♪ We were alone And I was singing this song ♪

(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)

♪ For you ♪

(FLOORBOARD CREAKING)

(BED SQUEAKING)

NURSE: Arm.

(CLICKS TONGUE) You have difficult veins.

I have a difficult nurse.

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

JACOB: What's that?

Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Guys, what's going on?

Opening night is in two weeks.

Why aren't you in your places?

DON: Yeah, places.

What I always say.

Oh, hey. Aren't you, um, stage left for this part?

Yeah, I know. Thanks.

Oh, I just didn't wanna run into you.

Sorry. Um, wait. Hi.

What... (CHUCKLES) What's her deal?

I don't know.

Maybe it's because you flirt with her boyfriend.

(JACKIE CHUCKLES)

- What? - Laura and Jacob.

Yeah.

They broke up just a few months ago.

Oh, my God, I literally had no idea.

Yeah, and you should probably also know

that Jacob wrote Laurie

(WHISPERS) for Laura.

He wrote the... (GASPS)

Why didn't anybody tell me that?

Fuck.

WILL: You haven't been following the rules, Laurie.

I know, Headmaster.

There's a certain way we behave.

I know, Headmaster.

And do you know what we do with girls like you?

- Girls like me? - WILL: Hmm.

What's wrong with girls like me?

JACOB: Okay.

Black out, intermission, song.

Let's, uh, let's run through it as an exercise.

- Keep it going. - JACKIE: Okay.

Uh...

(SIGHS) What's wrong with girls like me?

He didn't think there was anything wrong with me.

When I met him,

he didn't think there was anything wrong at all.

- I remember... - (PIANO PLAYING)

I remember the first moment I met him.

I remember I said...

- I said to him... - (ACTORS SNAPPING FINGERS)

♪ Hi ♪

♪ Hello, lovely to meet ♪

♪ Please have a seat ♪

♪ Coffee or tea ♪

♪ I have Darjeeling, And green ♪

♪ I have a feeling I've seen you before ♪

♪ That bright eyes And that... ♪

Sorry.

Fine, fine.

♪ Smile ♪

(PIANO STOPS)

- JACOB: Jackie, uh... - Yes.

This is a girl who's just been sent away

- from everything she knows. - JACKIE: Mmm-hmm.

She's recounting

the genesis of a relationship that nearly destroyed her.

She's about to break.

I need you to start somewhere.

Right now, it's like happy birthday

at my mom's house. I'm not getting anything.

- Okay?-Yeah.

(JACOB EXHALES)

(PAINO PLAYING)

(JACKIE CLEARS THROAT)

(ACTORS SNAPPING FINGERS)

♪ Hi ♪

♪ Hello, lovely to meet ♪

♪ Please have a seat ♪

♪ Coffee or... ♪

- Okay, no, no, no. - (JACKIE CLEARS THROAT)

- Stop.-Sorry.

JACOB: It's still not working for me.

- Yeah. - Like, I, kind of, feel like

I lost you in the last 24 hours.

I don't know where you're at.

And I don't wanna have to say the same things

over and over again, because if I do

then I feel like my language no longer has...

- Yeah, yeah. - ...kind of any utility.

- You know what I mean? - Jesus, lay off, Jacob.

What was that, Laura?

You got something to say?

No? While I have you, you're too far forward.

I need you back. Back, back, back, back.

The scene isn't about you.

Funny, it used to be.

(ACTORS GASP)

Not a good time for that.

Well, when would be a good time for that,

Your Highness?

(CLICKS TONGUE) Maybe after rehearsal.

No, well, actually, no.

That's... That's not gonna work for me.

I wanna talk about it right now.

(HUSHED WHISPERS)

(WHISPERS) Laura, you're embarrassing yourself.

(SCOFFS)

You're embarrassing yourself.

You think you...

(MIMICS JACOB) Hi, I... I'm Jacob Sullivan.

I'm a pretentious douchebag.

I think my shit doesn't stink.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Well, guess what, Jacob!

I lived in the same apartment as you for years,

and I smelled your shit, and it doesn't smell good.

- It doesn't smell good. - Take a break, Laura.

LAURA: Yeah, sure.

What else do you need? Oh!

(MIMICS JACOB) Uh, I'm hungry, Laura.

Can you cook me some pasta?

Would you mind, 'cause I'm sitting

on the piano all day and I just can go

plunk, plunk, plunk. I'm useless.

I don't wanna do the laundry.

I don't want to do the dishes.

I don't want to do anything

because I'm God's gift to the world,

because he can string a few words together.

But you know what? I can string

words together, too, Jacob.

You limp dick, fuck face!

DON: All right, she is letting it out.

- Laura, let's go outside. - No, I don't wanna go outside.

- Why would I wanna go outside? - MAZIE: Okay, okay.

- It's cold outside. - Laura. Lower your voice.

(SHOUTING) I will not lower my voice!

Don't tell me to lower my voice!

You lower your voice!

You're disloyal, narcissistic piece of shit!

Asshole!

DON: Okey-dokey. All right.

Got a little hot here in the kitchen.

Think it's time to, uh, take five, everybody.

That's five. Five!

Thank you so much, everyone.

That's 10, Don.

Ha!

(MAZIE LAUGHING)

- What?-Nothing.

You think this is funny?

Yeah, I did. I thought it was a little funny.

- Nothing about that was funny. - MAZIE: (CHUCKLES) Okay.

Jacob's being an asshole.

He can't talk to people like that.

Well, directors are assholes,

and sometimes they do talk to people like that.

And dude, Jackie is... Fuck. Butchering the part.

I don't blame him.

- Okay. (GRUNTS) - (LAURA GRUNTS)

Everyone's hanging out, can we go?

No, I'm not hanging out.

- Okay, then don't hang out. - You're just gonna leave.

- Yeah. - Why do you always do that?

God, you're such a shitty friend.

- Shitty friend? - A shitty friend.

After everything I've done for you,

- that's how you talk to me? - Oh, yes. Thank you.

Thank you so much, seriously, for picking me up

from the hospital and for doing

the bare minimum, always.

Thank you so much.

Sorry, do you have any other friends,

any family, a boyfriend?

Hmm?

Don't push it, Laura.

Call me when you're you again.

This is me.

Good luck with that.

(SCRIPT THUDS ON FLOOR)

LAURA: Damn it!

We need to talk.

LAURA: We're talking about my behavior?

Are you listening to yourself?

Goddamn it, Laura.

I didn't force you to audition.

It was your choice to be here.

If you can't handle it because of your own shit,

- that's on you. - My own shit?

We're together for five years

and now this is just my own shit?

You offered me a role, and then you tried

to cut me out.

- You tried to cut me out. - We broke up.

We broke up.

It's hard for me to be around you.

I don't wanna be around you.

I have to sit and watch someone else play my role

that you wrote for me,

that I helped you build.

Because I workshopped every single song,

and every single scene in this show with you, Jacob.

I read every single iteration

and version of your stupid book,

so you could hear it out loud.

You were my girlfriend. You were my girlfriend.

Why did you offer me the role, Jacob?

Why did you paint the whole picture for me

if you were just gonna take it all away?

Why?

Is it because we were sleeping together?

Is the role of Laurie Francis exclusively reserved...

- (JACOB SIGHS) - ...for the woman

that you're fucking at the moment? Is that it?

What are you talking about?

(CHUCKLES)

I saw you at the Halloween party.

I saw you with Jackie.

I saw you and I wish I didn't care.

I shouldn't care.

But, I still care.

For some reason, I do. I can't help it.

And I still love you.

And I... (VOICE BREAKS) I wish I didn't.

I hate myself for it.

And I hate that I have you on this stupid pedestal,

and I can't stop feeling this way.

And I don't want to anymore.

And I don't know how to stop.

And I just need you to tell me.

How did you do it?

How, Jacob?

How did you stop loving me?

(SOBS)

(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

How could you do that to me?

- (ZIPPER UNZIPS) - (LAURA SIGHS)

- (BREATHING HEAVILY) - (JACOB MOANS)

(SIGHS)

I spoke to the creative team.

This is so fucked up.

You can't be in the show.

You're a liability.

I'm sorry.

(DOOR OPENS)

- LAURA: Monster? - (DOOR CLOSES)

Sorry, I'm late.

(SIGHS)

Monster, are you in there?

(SOLITUDE BY EDDIE HEYWOOD PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

**

**

**

**

**

Whoa.

Laura.

What is this place?

MONSTER: It's, uh, well... It's kinda where I live.

It's just, uh... It's a mess right now.

Um...

It's... I need to organize all this stuff.

But, uh, I don't know.

Uh, one man's trash is another man's...

You get it. (SIGHING)

LAURA: Wow.

MONSTER: Yeah. Rehearsal ran late?

Uh...

Yeah, yeah.

Sorry about that.

Everything okay?

Everything is fine.

Why do you ask?

Um, well, you're not looking at me in the eye,

for one thing.

What?

Yes.

- Ah, I... - You're not looking me

in the eye.

What's up there?

Um, it's...

I'm right here.

Yeah, ugh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, I'm sorry, okay?

I'm sorry. I just had a very shitty day.

Okay. What happened?

- I got fired. - What? How?

I... might have had a...

(CLICKS TONGUE)

...meltdown during rehearsal.

And... (SIGHS) Then after that,

I... I fought with Mazie.

MONSTER: Uh-huh.

And, um...

- And then, um... - (MONSTER SIGHS)

Well, Jacob, um,

wanted to talk with me after rehearsal.

So I... stayed.

Um...

Yeah.

How did that talk go?

It wasn't...

It was, like, more like, um...

Did you guys...

kiss or something?

I'm sorry.

- MONSTER: Mmm. - I'm so sorry.

- I'm so sorry. - (MUSIC STOPS)

- (MONSTER GRUNTS) - (OBJECTS CLATTER)

(OBJECTS CLINKING)

(LAURA SIGHING)

Why?

(SOFTLY) I don't know.

- Why would you do that? - I don't know.

He doesn't love you.

He doesn't love you.

He never has.

That, no. That's...

- He doesn't love you. - Don't say that.

- That's not true. - It is true.

He doesn't love you the way you deserve to be loved.

Oh, come on. I deserve to be loved?

What do you know about how I deserve to be loved?

I happen to know a fuck ton about it

if you looked around.

You don't know anything about love.

You're a fucking monster.

You've spent your whole life hiding in here.

I wasn't hiding.

You shut me in here.

You didn't want anything to do with me.

Of course, I didn't want anything to do with you.

Look at you! You're disgusting!

You're horrible!

And you ruined my life!

And you've stolen all my socks!

You were never gonna do anything

- with those fucking socks. - Yes, I was!

I needed those socks.

You know what? Maybe I'm disgusting,

but if it wasn't for me,

you'd still be a pathetic, weepy doormat,

crying in a corner,

playing the helpless victim,

letting the world trample all over you.

Is that who you wanna be, huh?

- I'm leaving. - You might as well

roll over and fucking die.

- How can you say that to me? - Look at yourself.

- How can you say that to me? - Look at yourself, Laura.

- Laura, look at yourself. - I am looking at myself.

Come on.

Laura!

- Come on. - (BANGING ON DOOR)

Laura. (GROWLS)

- Come on, let me out. - No!

- Go away! - MONSTER: Let me out!

- Go away. - Don't do this again.

Laura. (GROWLS)

Fine, you want me gone?

Fine.

I'm gone.

(LAURA BREATHES HEAVILY)

(PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm sorry.

Monster?

Monster.

Monster?

Monster, I'm sorry.

Monster, where are you?

I'm really sorry. Please, come back.

Please.

(VOICE BREAKS) Please don't leave me.

(CRYING) Monster, please, don't...

Please, don't leave me.

Please, come back.

(SNIFFLES) I'm sorry.

(DOOR OPENS)

DR. KAUFFMAN: Okay, I am so sorry

to have kept you waiting.

(SIGHS) Wow, Laura.

You are looking like you're feeling much better.

I don't feel great.

Well, let me turn that frown upside down.

(TAPPING ON TABLE)

You are cleared, young lady.

You...

You're cancer-free, kid. That's good news.

What do I do now?

I don't know.

Call somebody. Go celebrate!

Hit the town!

Eat a jelly bean. You want a jelly bean?

Take a hand...

(CLINKING)

(DOOR OPENS)

(HOUSE DOOR OPENS)

(WISTFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(MEDICINE BOTTLES CLATTER ON FLOOR)

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

So, listen, I just wanted to say,

thank you for sticking up for me the other day.

(CAR HONKING HORN)

Um, and also...

I'm really, really sorry.

It's okay. You don't have to be sorry.

No, I... I genuinely didn't know that

- I was, like, stealing... - Oh, no.

You weren't stealing him. It's okay.

I mean, people hook up.

- It's fine. - Wait, did you... I'm sorry.

Did you just say hook up?

Yeah. I mean, I saw you and Jacob hooking up

at the Halloween party. It's okay.

- Oh, my God! - I don't care.

- No, no, no, no. - It's over. Between us.

No, no. I've literally never hooked up with Jacob.

Like not even close. Ever.

- But I saw you with him. - No.

He just was really flirty with me.

And I... I... I didn't really know what to do

because he's my boss. So I just was, kind of,

going along with it, but...

- Okay. - The truth is, um,

I just really wanted to check in on you,

'cause I didn't know that you were sick,

or that you and Jacob were together,

or had just broken up. I didn't know any of that.

And then I found out that he fired you.

- Yeah, well. - Is he okay?

Like that's insane.

Laurie, Laura?

He shouldn't be able to get away with this.

LAURA: He can.

And he will.

Unless...

- (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(WHISPERS) Laura, don't make me regret this.

(WOMAN BREATHING HEAVILY)

(MUSIC CRESCENDOES)

JACOB: Is someone there?

(MAZIE BREATHING HEAVILY)

(MUSIC FADES)

(MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAURA BREATHING HEAVILY)

Laura? Laura, what are you doing here?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

We... We started spending more time together

and I was waiting for the right time to tell you

and you were sick.

And I was scared, and he was scared.

(MUFFLED) And I know it's really bad!

It's really fucking bad!

(CONTINUES INAUDIBLY)

(MUFFLED) I'm such an idiot. I'm really sorry. (CRYING)

- (HIGH-PITCHED RINGING) - (MAZIE CONTINUES INAUDIBLY)

(SNIFFLES) Please, forgive me.

- LAURA: Mazie. - Laura, please.

- I'm sorry, Laura, please. - Get out of my room.

(SOBS) Okay, okay. Sorry.

(LAURA BREATHES HEAVILY)

(INDISTINCT, EXCITED CHATTER)

DON: Copy, okay. That is a go for places.

Go for places. Godspeed, Good Women.

Godspeed.

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

(CURTAINS CLATTERING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)

(WHISTLING)

Laurie Francis,

welcome to Mr. Baker's Finishing School for Girls.

We're glad to have you here.

We've been so looking forward to your arrival.

How do you feel, Laurie?

Father said...

WILL: Yes?

(TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES)

Father said I haven't been behaving the way

a girl should be behaving.

♪ We three wanna Be something ♪

LAURA: I want to be better, Headmaster Baker.

- I want to be. - WILL: A good woman?

Well, you've come to the right place.

There are only a few things that I require.

♪ We're in it For the long run ♪

♪ But boy is it a long one ♪

TOGETHER: * Temptation, You're a son of a gun ♪

♪ Desire with a capital D ♪

♪ The carnal With a capital C ♪

♪ The capital offenses Against a feminine ♪

♪ Sensibility ♪

♪ N'est-ce pas? ♪

♪ You don't put fork In the toaster slot ♪

♪ You don't dry Your hair in the tub ♪

Laurie, you haven't been following the rules.

TOGETHER: * So pray tell, Little Miss Polka Dot ♪

♪ Whyya looking For trouble ♪

You know what we do with girls like you.

TOGETHER: * Whyya looking For trouble ♪

Girls like me?

TOGETHER: * Wanna bellow Wanna swear ♪

♪ Take a pillow From that sofa over there ♪

♪ Apply it to the face And scream real loud ♪

♪ And get it out ♪

What's wrong with girls like me?

(SCREAMS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

CHORUS: * The vile With a capital V ♪

♪ The dirty with a capital D ♪

♪ Those capital offenses ♪

♪ Against a feminine ♪

♪ Sensibility ♪

♪ Vraiment ♪

♪ You know to use a mitt When the oven's hot ♪

He didn't think there was anything wrong with me.

♪ Yes, yes, you ♪

TOGETHER: ♪ So pray tell... ♪

He didn't think there was anything wrong with me at all.

TOGETHER: * So pray tell, Little Miss Polka Dot ♪

♪ Whyya looking For trouble ♪

I remember...

♪ Whyya looking For trouble ♪

♪ Whyya looking For trouble ♪

I remember the first moment we met.

TOGETHER: ♪ You ♪

LAURA: I remember I said...

I said to him.

- (CURTAINS CLATTERING) - (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

DON: That's intermission, everybody.

- Laura! - (DOOR SLAMS)

Where is she?

- (CLATTERS)-Laura!

WILL: What's going on?

Laura?

Anybody know how she got...

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

WILL: Everybody back here.

JACOB: Laura!

Out, everyone out. Out! Now.

You.

JACOB: (YELLING) Get out!

How long?

How long have you been sleeping with Mazie?

(SQUEALS) Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Who cares?

You're actually talking about that right now?

Laura, what are you doing here?

Where the fuck is Jackie?

You're doing a completely different show

than what I've been rehearsing for the past six weeks.

(GRUNTS) You are destroying everything!

How is this happening? How is... I can't...

How is this happening to me?

Laura. Laura, please tell me.

What can I do? What can I do

so that you don't fuck up my entire life?

You think I'm fucking up your life?

The New York Times is here.

The New York Times.

Jesse Green is sitting in row J,

with a fucking legal pad,

waiting to make me critics pick!

- Wow, you're pathetic. - (JACOB SIGHS)

It's opening night.

This is my opening night!

I don't give a fuck about your opening night,

Jacob. I don't care.

You are so jealous.

You've always been so jealous of me.

God, you are so fucking selfish.

Watch what you say to me, Jacob.

(JACOB CHUCKLES)

Or what?

Or what, Laura?

Or what?

Or...

I'll rip...

your fucking...

throat...

out.

(LIGHT SWITCH THUDS)

(SILENCE)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(APPLAUSE FADES)

I remember.

(PIANO PLAYING)

The first moment we met.

I remember I said...

- I said to him. - (FINGERS SNAPPING)

♪ Hi ♪

♪ Hello, lovely to meet ♪

♪ Please have a seat ♪

♪ Coffee or tea ♪

♪ I have Darjeeling And green ♪

♪ I have a feeling ♪

♪ I've seen you before ♪

♪ Those bright eyes That brown hair ♪

♪ And that do-you-dare smile ♪

♪ Enchanté ♪

♪ My stranger ♪

♪ Stay for a while ♪

(DOOR CLATTERS)

(FINGERS SNAPPING)

♪ Hi ♪

♪ Hello, lovely to meet ♪

♪ You put up your feet ♪

♪ Do you feel the heat? ♪

♪ True, maybe this isn't ♪

♪ The right way But please spend ♪

♪ The night Maybe we could find out ♪

♪ And allay any doubt ♪

♪ This is it ♪

♪ Enchanté ♪

♪ My stranger ♪

♪ Stay for a bit Stay for a touch ♪

♪ Say what you feel Make it too much ♪

♪ I want this every Which way ♪

♪ No need to rush ♪

♪ Stay for a touch Stay for a tad ♪

♪ I wanna have, Wanna be had ♪

♪ I've been too good For too long ♪

♪ Time to be bad ♪

- (MONSTER GRUNTING) - (FLESH SQUELCHES)

♪ 'Cause this Rip roaring heart's ♪

♪ Growing stronger ♪

♪ This rip roaring heart Won't hold back any longer ♪

Did I take that too far?

♪ No longer ♪

Monster...

♪ Hi ♪

♪ Hello, give me your all ♪

♪ Set me aflame ♪

♪ Tear down the wall ♪

♪ Beautiful fate Knew the score ♪

♪ Right when you Bust through ♪

(SOBS) You're here.

Hey, stranger.

♪ Go back to before ♪

(SOBBING) I thought I'd lost you forever.

Lose me?

No.

You could never lose me, Laura.

I'm your monster.

♪ My stranger ♪

♪ Sweet stranger ♪

♪ My stranger ♪

♪ Lovely to meet you ♪

(EXHALES)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(AUDIENCE MURMURING)

Is this a part of the show?

I don't know, but I'm so into it.

(AUDIENCE SHOUTING, CLAMORING)

(RULER CLATTERS)

(SHOUTING, CLAMORING CONTINUES)

(PIANO PLAYING )

(MONSTER GROWLS)

(upbeat music) ♪ Off with your head

♪ Off with your head

♪ Off with your head

♪ Off, off

♪ Off with your head

♪ Play dead bitch

♪ You heard what I said bitch

♪ Off with your head

♪ Off, off

♪ Off with your head

♪ Play dead bitch

♪ You heard what I said bitch

♪ Don't get it confused

♪ Bitch, I'm not just anybody

♪ I cut many bodies

♪ Chop 'em like I know karate

♪ I been known to check a bitch ♪

♪ Who been known to doubt me

♪ Can't name the top five

♪ Without talkin' bout me

♪ Take a shot, sir

♪ I don't mean paparazzi

♪ Suicidal doors, yeah

♪ On my whips, kamikaze

♪ Pullin' out the lobby

♪ Just to kill

♪ That's my only hobby

♪ If you a wave

♪ Then I'm a fuckin' tsunami

♪ One time for the bitches in the back ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ Two times if they don't know how to act ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ Three times and you know that it's a wrap ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ Got a way with words, baby

♪ I can give you that ♪ But

♪ Who else comin' with a drip like this ♪

♪ Plus spit like a fully loaded Draco clip ♪

♪ Bow down when you talkin' to the queen ♪

♪ Get a grip

♪ Man, I gave you bitches life

♪ And this the thanks I get

♪ Youuuu

♪ Think that you know

♪ But don't stand too close

♪ 'Cause I might explode ♪ Ah, ah

♪ Youuuu

♪ Must be confused

♪ You wanna play games

♪ But I wrote the rules ♪ Ha, ha

♪ God only knows the things I could do ♪

♪ If you cross me

♪ Then I'ma cross you ♪ Youuuu

♪ Yes, you

♪ Keep pushing your luck

♪ And you can find out

♪ Real soon, boo

♪ Off with your head

♪ Off, off

♪ Off with your head

♪ Play dead bitch

♪ You heard what I said bitch

♪ Off with your head

♪ Off, off

♪ Off with your head

♪ Play dead bitch

♪ You heard what I said bitch

♪ Use the plot

♪ And it's your last mistake

♪ You'll be modeling cement boots ♪

♪ Bottom of a lake

♪ You know I be fresh to death

♪ Like every damn wake

♪ See me bust down the roley

♪ Put some diamonds in your face ♪

♪ And this 24 karat chain still heavy weight ♪

♪ Walked it up the roadway

♪ You already late

♪ No my number be the same in every single state ♪

♪ It's 911

♪ Catch me burnin' up the place ♪

♪ So, say it loud for the bitches in the back ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ Two times if they don't know how to act ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ Three times and you know that it's a wrap ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ Got a way words, baby

♪ I can give you that

♪ Who else comin' with a drip like this ♪

♪ Plus spit like a fully loaded Draco clip ♪

♪ Bow down when you talkin' to the queen ♪

♪ Get a grip

♪ Man, I gave you bitches life

♪ And this the thanks I get

♪ Youuuu

♪ Think that you know

♪ But don't stand too close

♪ Cause I might explode

♪ Ah, ah

♪ Youuuu

♪ Much be confused

♪ You wanna plays games

♪ But I wrote the rules ♪ Ha, ha

♪ God only knows the things I could do ♪

♪ If you cross me

♪ Then I'ma cross you ♪ Youuuu

♪ Yes, you

♪ Keep pushing your luck

♪ And you can find out

♪ Real soon, boo

♪ Off with your head

♪ Off, off

♪ Off with your head

♪ Play dead bitch

♪ You heard what I said bitch

♪ Off with your head

♪ Off, off

♪ Off with your head

♪ Play dead bitch

♪ You heard what I said bitch

(doo-wop music) ♪ Oooh, oooh

♪ Oooooh

♪ Waaa

♪ Oooh, oooh

♪ Oooooooh, waaa

♪ We broke up just a week ago

♪ How my heart is breaking

♪ He'll never know

♪ Each night I cry myself to sleep ♪

♪ I count my tears and scattered sheep ♪

♪ I'll never stop loving you

♪ But now I know what to do

♪ I'll light a candle

♪ And hope you'll see me

♪ Guiding light, shining bright ♪

♪ And come back to me

♪ Oooh, waaa

(doo-wop music)

♪ I'll light a candle

♪ I'll say a prayer

♪ It's one thing that cheers me ♪

♪ I know someone hears me

♪ Way up there

♪ I'll light a candle

♪ And hope you'll see me

♪ Guiding light, shining bright ♪

♪ And darling, please come back to me ♪

♪ Ohhh