Original subtitles

[mellow music]

- Okay, who ate my last applesauce?

- You did; I saw you eating it with your hands

the last time you were drunk.

- Oh, good to know.

- Hey, ladies, have you guys read the paper today?

- Our school paper? - Mm-hmm.

- I have never looked at it once.

- Look.

Whitney, apparently your soccer coach

had an affair with a player and was fired.

- Dude, are you serious?

- Yeah, I've heard about it,

but the details are pretty vague.

- Whoa, this is juicy.

This is, like, "Red Table Talk"-level juice.

Wait, is this coach hot? Is the girl hot?

Did they get caught having steamy sex in the showers?

We want every lurid detail.

- It's...

Me.

- What? - Seriously?

- Well, it was me, but we ended things a while ago.

And you can't say anything to anyone.

If my mom finds out, she will kill us all.

I'm not even sure if I'm exaggerating.

- Yeah, okay, of course.

Whatever you need. - Thanks.

- Whitney, you might want to read this.

- You know what? I don't.

- No, it says he did this with another girl

when he worked at Ithaca.

[both gasp]

- What the fuck?

Doesn't matter.

It's done, so doesn't change anything.

I'm gonna go take a shower.

♪ ♪

[sighs]

♪ ♪

- ♪ I kept your flowers at my feet ♪

♪ I don't know why I thought I could go ♪

- So you're going to the Title IX office?

- Yeah, Alicia said I should go learn about all my options.

Figure out the best way to handle

a gross dude with a weirdly shaped dick.

- Weirdly shaped how?

- I mean, I only felt it against my back,

but it felt like a can of soup but squishier.

- You might not need to mention his dick shape.

- I think it's best to lay it all on the table.

Ladies, I will see you all on the other side.

- Good luck, Bela. Yes, all women.

- So what about you, Miss Thing?

How you doing since Nico's?

- I'm hanging in there.

- Oh, shit.

Have y'all not talked about this?

Should I go? - No.

No, no, no, let's talk about it.

- Totally, let's do it. I'll start.

I know that I sort of kept it from you, and that wasn't cool.

In the future, I'll be more honest.

In that spirit,

my UTI was not from a wet library chair.

It was from repetitive sex with your brother.

- Okay, that's haunting.

And yes, it kind of sucked to figure out

that everybody was keeping this big secret behind my back.

- I should've told you. - Yes.

Yes, you should have, because I would've told you

not to sleep with him, 'cause I would've told you

he has a girlfriend.

- Yeah, that's a good point.

Leighton, your brother looks good,

but that boy wasn't raised right.

- Why are you telling me? I'm not him.

- But at least you got to hook up

with a guy who's way out of your league.

- Hey! - Listen, I don't take sides.

I just tell the truth.

♪ ♪

- His penis felt like a can of soup?

- Yeah, I only mention it in case I need

to identify his penis, like, in a police lineup situation.

- Right.

Well, I will note that.

- So now what?

Do you tell Ryan,

or when exactly do you tell my strict Indian parents?

I need to warn them and possibly flee the country.

Or do you provide any sort

of sexual witness protection program?

- If that's an option, I'd like to hear about that.

- There's no need to get ahead of yourselves here.

This is our first talk.

The next step would be to submit a written statement,

and based on that, my colleagues and I

would decide if we need to intervene

to protect the larger community.

Otherwise, it's your choice

if we move forward with an investigation.

At this time, my recommendation would be

for you to do everything you can to avoid Ryan,

which means taking a break from "The Catullan."

- Uh, no.

Ricky, do you know how far behind you can fall

in camaraderie building if you miss two or three days?

- I was actually gonna suggest a few weeks.

- A few weeks?

Okay, Ricky, it's official.

You do not know how comedy works.

- And I'm fine with that.

♪ ♪

- And that's why I was late all the time

and slacking off and just, like,

ruining every other aspect of my life.

And little did I know, I was getting two-timed

by that mother-effer.

- Go off, girl. - Yeah.

- And when you do, can you do it near the milk frother?

Because I've asked you to clean it repeatedly.

- I will. I'm sorry.

I just get so angry when I talk about Nico.

I could just...[groans]

- Damn, I've never seen you like this.

It's kind of cute.

Like when Nemo gets mad at his dad.

- He just made me feel like such an idiot.

- Yeah, well, for what it's worth,

I see you with more of a sweet boy.

You know, someone named Eugene or Glenn.

Type of guy who likes to play board games,

wears New Balances with cargo shorts.

- You're describing nerds. - Yes. Yes, I am.

I think you should date a nerd. I'm glad you picked up on that.

Oh, getting ready for tomorrow's econ midterm?

- Mm-hmm. - Is this the practice test?

- Wait, please don't. I--

- Oh, shit.

This is the test.

Are you gonna use this?

- I am but only 'cause I have to.

It's my only way to stay on track.

Otherwise, my whole life plan is gonna be thrown off

because I have a D on my transcript.

- Yeah, but, like, you're gonna get caught.

You're not smooth enough to cheat.

- I most certainly am.

- No, lies. You're not.

The test is, like, three hours long.

Even if you had a basic understanding of econ,

which you don't,

it's hard as hell to memorize all that.

- Well, that's why I have a little plan.

- A little plan?

What are you gonna-- you know what?

No, don't tell me. Just please don't cheat.

You are not equipped to pull that off.

- I am.

- You're sweating just talking about it.

- That's not sweat.

I don't know what that is.

- Okay.

♪ ♪

- What's up?

- What's up? Are you serious?

You hooked up with my roommate and made me look like an idiot.

That's what's up. - Okay, can you

keep your voice down? Maya's upstairs.

- Oh, my God, you are so gross.

- Okay, I get it. You're mad.

But what did you want me to do,

text you and say, "Hey, Leight, is it cool

if I bone your roommate real quick?"

- Yeah, well I, didn't think I had to tell you

not to fuck any of my roommates,

but now I will make it official.

Do not have sex with any of my roommates.

She's really upset, by the way.

Okay, she's not used to guys like you.

You should've seen the boy who came to visit her.

He looked like a goat.

- What do you want me to do about it?

- Oh, I don't know, try not being such a total D-bag

and make things right with Kimberly.

- Okay, I will. - Today.

- Fine. - Like, in person.

- Great. - Good.

- Nico, are you downstairs?

- Yeah, I'm just dealing with something.

I'll be right up.

- You are one of the grossest men I am related to.

Worse than weird Uncle Mark.

Apologize today, Nico.

- [sighs]

- We get the opportunity to just show up.

Everything that we've trained in,

everything that we've done before this,

we can do it; we can do it again.

We can adapt on our feet.

We're a good team that knows what to do.

- Yeah. - And it's just...

- Hey, can I talk to everyone for a sec?

I take full responsibility for what happened.

I basically did the dumbest thing of my entire life.

I messed up.

Both of our coaches got fired,

and now we're in a tournament with no leader,

and it's probably gonna cost us

everything we've worked so hard for.

And I can't fix that, but...

I hope you can forgive me.

- It's not your fault.

- No, it really is,

unless someone else was also sleeping with him,

which I guess is possible.

- Dalton is clearly the problem here.

He's older, and he was your coach.

That's just fucking nasty and wrong.

- Yeah. - And let's be real.

That man was low-key very dumb.

- Yes. [laughter]

- And he always had a pee spot

on his pants after he went to the bathroom.

- [groans] It's so true. [laughter]

- Now, can we go practice, please?

all: Yes.

♪ ♪

- ♪ I was just inside ♪

♪ And then I opened up my mind ♪

♪ To find a little piece of me had died ♪

♪ And I was missing what I couldn't find ♪

♪ Beneath the piece of me that ♪

- Fuck it.

- ♪ You and me ♪

♪ ♪

- I know, he's, like, 5'6".

[laughter]

So I'm borrowing this suit, and it's like--

I'm like this.

And neither of us got the job.

- Neither of you got the job? [laughs]

- Neither of us got the job, after all that.

No, it gets--he's about to flex and bust out of the suit.

He's like...[groans]

- I mean yeah, you're, like, Hulking out of the suit.

- Yeah, I don't know what to do.

I can't let Ryan get away with all this,

but I don't think I want to Title IX his ass either.

- Why not? He deserves

absolutely everything that's coming for him.

- Yeah, but what if I don't want to deal with this?

I'll get examined and picked apart too.

- Yeah, she's right.

Reporting it might not be a good idea.

- Thank you. - Really?

- Seriously? - Hey, I don't like it.

All right, I'm just saying, Bela has a point.

Sometimes bad shit happens to women who report stuff.

- Nuh-uh, don't listen to her.

Okay, this guy sneak attacked you with his dick.

He needs to pay.

I say you Title IX his bitch ass.

- Hold on, maybe as a first step,

you could go to another upperclassman

at "The Catullan" and ask them what they think.

- Literally all those options sound so stressful.

- Well, do you wanna squeeze my stress ball?

I've been squeezing it a lot, so it's pretty flat.

♪ ♪

- Hey, it's late.

- Yeah, it's just, there's so much shit going down

with my roommates and, um,

I really wanted to see you.

- How's Bela holding up?

- She ate a bunch of gummy worms before breakfast.

Couldn't tell you if that's good or bad,

but I think she'll be okay.

- What's in the bag?

Is it a gift to make up

for freezing me out of your social life?

- Basically. - Mm.

- Yes, I got you one of those

grocery store cakes you so weirdly love.

- Yeah, they taste better than fancy ones.

- That's just not true, but in time, we can fix you.

I--I asked them to write,

"Sorry I was such a bitch," with icing,

but apparently, the Stop and Shop

has a "no swear words" policy.

- Try Price Chopper next time.

Anything goes at that place.

- I will.

Should we just, like, get out of town tomorrow?

Go somewhere we can be ourselves?

Maybe even overnight?

- Yeah, sounds nice.

How about this?

I'll drive us and pick out the place.

And you pay for gas, meals,

and lodging because I'm poor.

- Done. - Perfect.

Okay, now let me see this grocery cake.

Oh, yeah, there it is.

Is that a Minion?

Oh, no, wait, it's a school bus.

No, it's a Minion.

♪ ♪

- Good luck at your away game.

You totally got this. - Thanks.

Hey, good luck on your midterm.

- Thanks, I'll need it.

[door clicks shut]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Who says ♪

♪ Who says ♪

♪ Who says ♪

♪ Who says ♪

♪ Who says ♪

♪ Who says ♪

♪ Take a little step much closer ♪

♪ Excuse me, out of my way, sir ♪

♪ I wanna make myself heard ♪

♪ None of that moving, are we heard ♪

♪ Sharp and smooth are preferred ♪

♪ Say if I might take it all ♪

♪ Yes, we're together ♪

- May I use the restroom, please?

- The test just started.

- I have a UTI,

and it's really flaring up right now.

One symptom is frequent urination,

and it's very painful. - Okay.

Look, in the future, you can just say medical issue.

♪ ♪

- ♪ Take a little step much closer ♪

♪ Excuse me, out of my way, sir ♪

♪ I wanna make myself heard ♪

♪ None of that moving, are we heard ♪

♪ Sharp and smooth are preferred ♪

♪ Say if I might take it all ♪

♪ Then stick together like myself ♪

♪ So much space in the future ♪

♪ Who says that we can get together now ♪

♪ Who says that we can watch it never ♪

♪ Who says the future ♪

- Thank you both so much for meeting with me.

- Yeah, whatever this is, can we make it fast?

I got tickets to a Kurosawa marathon at the film society.

- Sure, so...

Ryan kind of assaulted me.

- Oh, my God, are you serious?

- Yeah, a couple of weeks ago, he got me alone,

put a porn on, and watched it in front of me,

which was weird, and I ignored it.

But then, um, on the day of the final submissions, he...

did something worse. - Okay.

- Wait, should we be hearing this, like, alone right now?

Should--should someone be here with us or--

- What did he do?

- He shoved his hard dick against my back.

- Whoa. Okay, his hard dick?

What the fuck? - Eric, chill.

- No, I mean, that's a serious allegation.

- I agree, and that's why you should

chill the fuck out and let Bela talk.

I'm so sorry that this happened.

Are you okay?

- Yeah, I talked to the Title IX office,

but I'm not sure if I want to do that.

- Title IX? You're already going there?

- Eric, please. - No, I don't want

to be involved in this, and quite frankly,

I'm not even sure there's a "this" to be involved in.

It sounds like a misunderstanding.

Maybe Bela should just talk to Ryan about it.

- He did it to Carla too. He showed her his dick.

- What? - That's why she quit.

- Look, I've known Ryan for years.

He's--he's not the kind of person

who's going around shoving his hard dick against people.

I'm sorry, I--I just--

I don't believe this.

- You know we're supposed to, like, believe women, right?

- Yeah, and I usually do believe them.

I'm, like, constantly believing women, but this is different.

And, you know, next time, maybe write us an email.

Give us a little warning before you come in here

and drop a giant bomb on us.

Jesus.

- Hey, you did the right thing.

- Okay.

Thanks.

♪ ♪

- Okay, you have to give me

one clue about where we're going.

I get very stressed when I don't know

what occasion to dress for.

- Really? 'Cause I feel like this outfit

could work for lots of different things.

- Well, sure, but not if we're going to, like, a Four Seasons.

Alicia, if we are going to a Four Seasons,

I do need to change.

- I promise, we are not going to a Four Seasons.

- [chuckles]

- I got us a cute bed-and-breakfast

run by a local beekeeper.

It's really quaint,

and they have an option to sleep in a barn.

- Oh, my God, that sounds so cool.

What is their cancellation policy?

- Are you looking up hotels already?

- I am.

- ♪ Get it over, get it over ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Get it over, get it over ♪

- Okay, this is more like it.

I mean, it's not a B&B,

but, uh, there's a TV so we can watch Bravo.

- I see a bed.

That's all I care about. - [chuckles]

♪ ♪

What about all those rural Vermont hot spots

you wanted to show me?

- I'm suddenly less interested in them.

- [chuckles]

♪ ♪

- Get on your back.

- ♪ When I find myself ♪

♪ In trouble ♪

♪ I pray to God that you exist ♪

- [moans]

- ♪ When I try to make ♪

- Oh, I fucking love your body. - Good.

Keep doing that.

[knock at door]

- [chuckles]

Did you seriously already order room service?

- No, I asked them to send up extra towels.

And leave them outside!

[laughs]

Oh, fuck.

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

[players shouting indistinctly]

♪ ♪

- Maddie, I'm open.

♪ ♪

- [grunting]

♪ ♪

[grunts]

♪ ♪

[whistle blowing]

♪ ♪

- Hey, it's all right. - I know.

I just really wanted to win that one.

- Look, this is the best season

the team has had in, like, ten years,

and it's mainly because of you.

And me. [chuckles]

But mainly you.

Next year, we'll go all the way.

- Okay. [laughs]

- ♪ What you want ♪

♪ You know I got it ♪

♪ What you need ♪

♪ I'll provide it ♪

♪ Call on me ♪

♪ When you're looking for a ♪

♪ Cold-blooded love ♪

- ♪ Cold ♪

- ♪ What you want ♪

♪ ♪

- Wait, what?

♪ ♪

- ♪ Cold-blooded love ♪

- ♪ Cold-blooded love ♪

- ♪ Cold-blooded love ♪

- What the fuck?

- ♪ Cold-blooded love ♪

- Hello.

- I feel like this robe might be my new everyday look.

- [laughs] - I feel like a hot drug lord.

- [laughs] Okay, where should we go first?

Hmm? Yelp is suggesting a lot of sad suburban bars

and an ax-throwing brewery.

Smart combo. [laughs]

Whoa, Alicia, you posted that? My purse is in the background.

- Um, yes in soft focus.

The focal point is obviously me looking amazing in the robe.

- Hey, can--can you please take it down?

- Are you serious? - Yes.

It--it's my Saint Laurent.

People are gonna recognize it

and--and know that we are in a hotel room together.

- Leighton, you're being ridiculous.

You can barely see it.

No one's gonna zoom in and know it's your bag.

- Oh, because you hang out with so many people

who have bags like that?

[scoffs] [phone dings]

Okay, Bela just liked it.

I'm serious, take it down.

- Fine.

I'll delete it.

- Thank you.

- ♪ Pictures gone from my wall ♪

- Bro, I swear to God,

Stan Lee has a cameo in "Captain Marvel."

- How's he going to be in a movie in 2019

when he died in 2018?

- Okay, obviously, you don't understand

how movies are made. - Uh, Canaan?

- Oh, excuse me, miss. Are you lost?

You don't live at the KJ House.

This is a dorm for people who answer text messages.

- Hey, um,

sorry I've been dodging your texts.

I was going through some personal stuff,

but I think it's over.

- All right.

- Are you mad at me?

- Am I mad at you?

No, you just gave me a super vague,

cryptic explanation for why you ghosted me.

So I'd say we're all good now.

- Yeah, Whitney, you can't just come crawling back

thinking he been sitting around waiting for you.

Canaan got options. - That's right.

- A lot of the options are real ugly,

but they are options.

- [laughs] Okay, well, I am sorry,

and I could've texted. - It's good.

By the way, I heard about your game.

Sorry you lost, but honestly,

I'm kind of happy soccer's done.

Now you have more time to hang out with me.

- Mm, you've been looking me up?

- No, I--I read it on ESPN.

I did have to scroll down really far, though.

They do not put women's sports up at the top.

- No, they don't. [laughter]

- Come on.

♪ ♪

- So what does this town have in the way of dinner?

I'm thinking chicken tenders from a chain restaurant?

- I think we need to end this.

- What?

- I can't keep dating someone this closeted.

I can't keep sneaking around.

I feel like you're bringing me back in the closet with you.

I've already been through this.

I can't go backward.

- Okay, but what about me?

I'm just--I'm not ready.

- Exactly, and you might never feel ready.

So where does that leave me?

Believe me, I get it.

It was really hard coming out to both my grandmas

on Easter Sunday, but I did it.

And it made me feel so much better.

- No, I just don't like the idea of coming out.

I don't feel the need to announce to the world

what type of people that I sleep with

and let that detail define me.

- But it doesn't have to define you.

- It totally does.

If you Google a gay person,

the first word that auto-populates

after their name is "gay."

It becomes their new main characteristic,

and I don't need that; I like who I am.

I don't want to come out and become all political

and have it affect how I act and speak

and dress and what things I do.

- Um...

you're describing me.

The thing you so desperately don't want to be is me.

Look, I really care about you.

I like--

[clears throat]

But if you can't be out with me,

I can't be with you.

- Then I guess we're done.

♪ ♪

- So now Eric officially hates me.

I shouldn't have said anything.

- I think it's good you did.

Staying silent only leads to regret.

- And you might not be there yet,

but let me know when you're ready

to get revenge on that sick freak.

I will aid and abet you all day.

- [laughs]

[knock at door]

- Hey, Bela.

- Hi.

Guys, this is Eric, the editor of "The Catullan."

- Oh, nuh-uh. Not today, sicko.

You get your rape-y dick out of here

before I cut it off. - Yeah, guess what.

It's your turn to get assaulted, shit bird.

- No, guys, this is Eric, the other editor.

Ryan's the handsome one. - Hey, what the fuck?

- Sorry, it's been a long day. - Yeah, whatever.

Can we just talk for a sec, like, alone?

- Sure.

- Can I get a glass of water or something?

- No. - Oh.

I wrote this down so I wouldn't get it wrong.

My initial reaction earlier today sucked.

As an editor and as a sometimes very awkward

and thoughtless person, I'm sorry.

I handled myself poorly.

I believe you, and I will do something about it.

- Wow.

Thank you, Eric.

- Yeah, okay, well, I'm gonna get out of here.

Smells like a candle store in a mall.

♪ ♪

- Leighton.

- Hey, what's up?

- Nothing, just...

going on a brisk walk for no particular reason at all.

- Same, same.

- Why do you have luggage with you?

- Oh, I had, uh,

planned a trip but then decided not to go.

- Mm. Are you okay?

- Yeah. Are you okay?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Hey--hey, did Nico talk to you today?

- No, no, he did not.

- Seriously?

You haven't heard from him at all?

Okay.

- Are you headed home?

- No, I'm headed somewhere else first.

- Okay.

♪ ♪

- Hey, how's it going?

- Nico was cheating on you. A lot.

♪ ♪

- ♪ Take a good, hard ♪

♪ Look at me ♪

♪ Am I standing in the way ♪

♪ Of your opportunity ♪

♪ We never thought ♪

♪ To take it slow ♪

♪ Like a bullet in the night ♪

♪ Silencer kept closed ♪

♪ I wanna pull you out of this town ♪

♪ Barely breathing now ♪

♪ Too much to take in ♪

♪ It's too much to take in ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I'll never pull you out of this town ♪

♪ Barely breathing now ♪

♪ Too much to take in ♪

♪ It's too much to take in ♪

♪ Am I crazy to try ♪

♪ To make everything come together ♪

♪ Make everything come together ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ I'm not gonna lie ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I've been looking for something better ♪

- Go to bed.