Original subtitles

[Japanese Breakfast's "Be Sweet"]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Tell the men I'm coming ♪

♪ Tell them count the days ♪

♪ I can feel the night passing by ♪

[phone rings]

♪ ♪

- Is that your phone?

- Um, no it's an Amber Alert. It's nothing.

- Oh.

[groans]

[yawns]

Morning. - Hello.

- I did not expect last night to happen.

- Me neither.

But, like, you wanted it to happen, right?

I had your consent?

- Yes, you had my consent. - Okay.

- That wasn't your first time, was it?

- Me? God, no. No, I've sexed a lot.

Was it yours?

- I hoped you could tell it wasn't.

- Totally, totally.

- Hey, if it's cool, I think we shouldn't

tell Leighton about this.

- Oh, definitely not.

One time Bela made a comment on your hot bod

and Leighton got so mad, she snapped a pen in half.

- Well, then, it's settled. We won't mention last night.

Or this morning. - This morning? I don't...

Oh, yes. Yes. I'm a yes for this morning.

Giddy up. - [moans]

- I don't know why I said that.

- ♪ You know the vibes you know the vibes ♪

♪ Switch up the ride switch up the ride ♪

♪ Don't take the price don't take ♪

- Okay, tell us every single detail.

Leave out nothing.

- I'm not gonna kiss and tell. That's tacky.

- You're right. Act it out with your food.

He's the sausage, you're the tater tots.

- All I'll share is this,

it is crazy how much better sex is with Nico,

a guy I just met, than with a guy I loved like Max.

- That's not crazy.

One's hot and one brought a light saber when he visited.

- So you're really not gonna tell us anything?

- His sex is amazing and I can't stop thinking about it.

- Boom. - [squeals]

That's my girl.

Now, describe his penis so

I can draw it out like a sketch artist.

- You really like him, don't you?

- Yeah, I mean, he's nice and funny and smart.

And, I don't know, he, like, surprises me.

- Who surprises you?

- No, it's just this cute meteorologist

on my local news channel back home.

- Your meteorologist surprises you?

- Yeah, like, with his tie choices.

- Morning, besties. I need a favor.

So you know how I didn't get into any of the acapella groups

because they're all super jealous of me.

Well, hold on to your labes because I started my own group.

And we're having a concert...

♪ Tomorrow ♪

- Travis, I will never go to an acapella show.

- Well, you'll be at this one because you wouldn't want

your intersectionality to be called into question.

Would you? Okay, I'll see you there.

♪ ♪

[knock on door]

- Hi, you have some old workout jackets, right?

The women's center is volunteering at

a horse rehab farm and I'm not about to have one

of them nibble on my Gucci quarter zips.

- Oh, so you want to give them one of mine?

Sure. Take the red one. It's in the closet.

- Thank you.

What is this?

Hey, babe-- - Oh!

That's like a team nickname.

They just call me babe sometimes.

- "You looked hot out there today. Love, Dalton."

Isn't Dalton one of your coaches?

- Leighton, I swear to God, you cannot tell anyone.

Okay, but I may have had an affair

with my married assistant coach.

- Okay. - Look, it was a mistake

and it's in the past. Okay, but I need you to give me

your solemn word that you're not

gonna say anything to anyone. - My solemn word?

Dude, while I'm sure this is considered some juicy stuff

where you're from, I went to a New York prep school.

I've been making out with bartenders

since I was, like, 14.

- That's disturbing,

but it does make me feel a little bit better.

I don't know, I've honestly been low key

depressed about this for the past couple weeks.

- Do you want to hang out and talk about it?

I can bail on this women's center thing right now.

- Oh, no, that's nice of you but you don't have to do that.

- Ah, it's too late.

I already used you as an excuse.

I told them my BIPOC roommate was in crisis.

- Okay. [laughter]

- ♪ Time stops, do you feel the rhythm ♪

♪ ♪

- Hey, can you think of something

that rhymes with Ansel Elgort's thick thighs?

- I don't think I can.

- I'm so in my head about this final Catullan submission.

Not to be dramatic, but the six pieces I submit tomorrow

will determine the rest of my entire comedy career.

- Bela, your packet is so funny.

I liked every single piece.

Even the ones I didn't understand.

[phone chimes]

- Damn, you and Nico are texting non-stop.

- Yeah, but I have to put my phone away and focus.

I have a six hour shift at Sips

and so much homework to catch up on.

For the rest of the day,

I'm tuning him out and I'm getting things done.

- I'm sure you will.

♪ ♪

[moaning]

♪ ♪

- I'm sorry I'm late. I got locked out of my room.

[phone chimes]

- And I forgot to lock it again.

I'll be back in 20 minutes.

♪ ♪

- The fuck?

[moaning]

- ♪ So baby ♪

- I have to help a friend with something.

I'll be back in 14 minutes.

♪ ♪

[moaning]

♪ ♪

My dorm is having an emergency.

I'll be back in eight in a half minutes.

♪ ♪

[moaning]

- Oh, shit.

♪ ♪

- Are you kidding me? When it comes to Chrises,

it goes Pine, Hemsworth, Evans, and hello?

- Oh, sorry. Do you see that guy over there?

His name's Canaan. We kind of hooked up.

- Whitney, that guy is so hot.

Okay, that is the kind of guy that you need to be going for.

Not some townie doofus who peaked in high school.

- He works at Sips with Kimberly.

- Kimberly works at Sips?

I could've sworn she was a janitor.

Okay, look, he's sitting down to eat.

Well, what are you waiting for? Go talk to him.

- I don't know.

I feel like I might need to take a beat

before jumping into someone new.

- No, no, no, okay rookie mistake.

The best way to get over somebody is

to whore out with someone hotter right away, like him.

- Okay.

- Mm? - Yeah.

[clears throat]

Hey. - Whitney.

It's been a minute. Want to sit?

- Yeah. Yeah.

- Okay, but you will have to leave

when my cooler friends get here.

- [laughs]

- I can only submit six pieces,

so I need to pick the absolute best.

- Uh-huh.

- That's why I need your honest opinion.

Don't go easy on me. - Uh-huh. Yup.

- Hey, do you think we should take a break

so you can give my packet your full focus?

- Are you kidding me?

I want to do both at the same time.

You're so funny. It makes me so hard.

- All right, get back down there.

Do your thing.

- ♪ Touch in the moonlight ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

- Kimberly Edie Finkel, late again.

- I'm very sorry.

Wait, how do you know my middle name?

- Payroll purposes, but don't change the subject.

All right, you are on thin ice, young lady.

Now grab that mop, some of the theater kids

have been practicing spit takes.

And you're gonna clean it up.

- Okay.

- So, um, why do you keep on being late? Hmm?

- I've kind of been, like, with someone.

- [squeals]

I knew it was because you was fucking somebody.

- Uh, sorry. Can I order?

- Excuse me, we're gabbing here.

Is it who I think it is?

Is his dick made out of gold?

- Yeah, it's Nico and it's amazing.

But it's all I can think about.

And yesterday, I skipped all my classes.

And I'm barely holding on to a C in Econ.

- Econ with Professor Bennett? - Yeah.

- Just ask him for extra credit.

That's what I did last year.

And my B plus went to an A. And I'm not just saying it

to brag about my grades, although I'm quite bright.

- Really? That would be so huge.

I'll ask him about it today.

- Does anyone have an iPhone 4 charger?

- I'm sorry. - No.

♪ ♪

- Great job getting your submission in

two minutes before the deadline, Jeff.

I'll be reading it last.

Hopefully your take on Baby Yoda

is still fresh when I get to it.

- Baby Yoda. That shit is so played out.

- Totally.

I wrote a piece about Baby Shark, though.

And it's pretty biting.

- All right, everyone.

Final submissions are now closed.

If anyone's late, they're out of luck.

- Thank you all for your hard work.

Eric, the board, and I are really looking forward

to reading what you came up with.

- And if we choose any new members,

tonight is gonna be tap night.

We'll come find you in your rooms

and whisk you away for hours of traditions

that you cannot share with anyone, ever.

Including future spouses.

But, again, we probably won't pick anyone.

- We'll probably pick between two and four people.

- Evangeline, could you not-- [sighs]

I will now take the submissions and hold onto them

until the board can reconvene to review them.

But straight off the bat, I see some insane

and embarrassing font choices. So way to go.

- Hey, um, if we get picked,

can we finally see the upstairs rooms?

- Want me to sneak you up right now?

- Oh, shit yes. Yes.

- Wait, you don't think we'll get in trouble?

- No one's coming back till 8:00.

Come on. Let's go.

♪ ♪

[phone chimes]

- I feel like it's a compliment to get catfished.

It means he must really like you.

- I just don't understand

how you got catfished by your cousin, again.

- He just writes such beautiful sonnets.

- Ginger, we've talked about this.

You need to set boundaries with Randy, your cousin.

- Sorry I'm late.

- You okay, Tova?

- It's over between me and Beth.

- What? What happened?

You two were such a cute couple.

- We were supposed to go over to her house for Thanksgiving,

and while her parents were cool with her being a lesbian,

she thought that I might be too much for them.

- What? What would be too much?

- I guess they've never met someone who's non-binary,

so Beth wanted me to fem it up. - Oh, fuck that.

- Hey, you might quickly want

to let us know what side you're on.

- Tova's obviously.

Look, when I first had to come here,

I'll be real with you,

I kind of thought you all sucked.

Not for any identity reasons, just personalities, you know?

- Mm-hmm. - But then I got to know you.

And Tova, I think you're pretty great.

You are almost too cool to be here but, yet,

you still come here. Which kind of makes you cooler.

So this is Beth's loss.

- Thank you, Leighton.

- Uh, Leighton, quick question.

You pointed at me when you were talking about personalities.

- No, no. No, I didn't. It just looked that way.

- Oh, okay. Great.

♪ ♪

- I would be happy to offer extra credit

for helping me with my research.

It's actually pretty exciting stuff.

Here, take a look.

- Oh, I love all this data.

So many columns with information in them.

Yeah, this looks so cool.

- Okay, well basically, I just need help

with data calculations using the blue binder's raw data.

The formula's in the green one.

- The blue one, the green one. Totally get it.

- Well, I have a meeting for the next few hours,

but when I get back I'll tell you how my data forecast

changes in the oat milk industry over the next decade.

If you'd like that. - Sir, I would love that.

- [chuckles]

Have fun with that data.

- What the fuck am I looking at?

[phone chimes]

♪ ♪

- Whoa, cool portrait. Is that, uh, Rob Schneider?

- Are you kidding me? That's Sid Caesar.

He basically created TV comedy.

- Nice. I'm surprised you know that.

- Holy shit, is that a real cue card from SNL?

Jude Law hosted that one.

I can name the host and musical guest pairing

of every episode of SNL since the year 2000.

- Okay, prove it.

Musical guest, Korn.

- Eva Longoria hosted.

- Ludacris. - You trying to trick me?

Ludacris? He hosted and he was the musical guest.

- Okay. Who was the musical guest

when the Rock hosted? - My boy Dwayne,

AKA Maui the demi-god, AKA the tooth fairy

has hosted five times with musical guest,

George Ezra, Ray LaMontagne, Andrew WK,

AC/DC, and Katy Perry.

- I can do a good Stewie voice.

[as Stewie] If you want to hear it.

[normal voice] I think I'm gonna head out.

Uh, thanks for bringing us up here.

- Yup.

- [laughs]

♪ ♪

- ♪ You only live once better turn it, turn it up ♪

♪ It's showtime that's all we know ♪

- Yo, everyone. This is Whitney.

- Baby senator. Welcome back.

The last time she was here, she stood in the corner so long

I thought she was her mother's secret service.

- That's Jayla.

Who apparently woke up this morning and chose violence.

- Can your mom introduce me to Travis Scott?

- Honestly, yeah. She probably could.

- Sick.

- Can I get you a drink? - Yes, please.

- Okay.

Let's see what they left for us.

- Okay. - Oh, this is wild.

Is this Canaan with a girl in broad daylight?

Yeah, you should know, this guy never introduces us to girls.

He just sneaks them into his room at night

like some kind of sex Batman.

- Really? You're a sex Batman?

- No, no. That's not true. - It is though.

What the fuck? Who's playing a slow jam?

I thought this was a turn up, not a wind down.

Yo, Nate, what's up with the music?

- Are you staying for dinner?

Because we're doing a nacho bar.

And I don't mean to brag,

but we go pretty hard with the toppings station.

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, no.

I actually have to leave in a bit

to go to an acapella show. - [laughs]

Oh, wait. Are you serious?

- Yeah, no one should ever have to go to an acapella show.

- Unless you, like, love acapella.

- Okay. I can tell I misrepresented

myself this morning, and while I am

somewhat okay with being known as the girl with

the senator mom, I am not okay as being known

as the girl who likes acapella.

I'm going against my will. - [laughs]

♪ ♪

- Holy shit, this autograph wall is insane.

Oh, my God. Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

Are you kidding me?

I love this place so much.

- Well, by midnight tonight

you'll know if you're in or not.

- [sighs] Don't remind me.

- Look, the deliberations can get crazy.

But I'll just tell you, I'm gonna vote for you.

- I'm not sure Eric likes me enough.

- Eric doesn't like anyone.

I'm his roommate and best friend

and he regularly calls me a talentless hack.

- You are though, right? - [chuckles]

Don't worry about Eric.

I'll convince him you're worth a shot.

- Holy shit. Is that Elaine Stritch?

She's the greatest of all time.

When did she come here? Was it during her..

Hey, um, I don't, um...

- It's okay. Everybody's gone.

- No, I don't want to do whatever this is.

- Seriously?

- Yeah, I just...

Are we cool?

- Yeah, yeah, I guess. Yeah. - Okay.

Great. Cool. Well, I'll see ya.

Thanks, thanks for the wall and stuff.

[moaning]

- You sure about this?

- Yeah, he said he'd be gone for hours.

- ♪ Show me love ♪

♪ Show me love ♪

- This is hot.

- Oh, my God.

- Kimberly.

- Sir, this is my fault and I take full responsibility.

If you want to report anyone, report me, Chad Mickland.

- Wait, is Nico a nickname?

[gasps] Oh.

Professor Bennett, I realize

this was a horrible lapse in judgement.

But I'm having a really hard time in your class

and I'm so far behind.

So if you please could just give me one more chance.

- You've had plenty of chances.

You've arrived late to class, you've missed assignments.

Now you made love on my desk. - We were only kissing.

He never took it out. Tell him.

- I don't think that's gonna help,

but it's true, it wasn't out yet.

- It does not help.

Get out of here.

- Oh, okay. I'm going.

I would still love to hear your thoughts

on oat milk futures, though.

- Then you can listen to my TED Talk.

- Got it.

♪ ♪

Hey. - Hey.

How's it going with you know who?

- Actually, I kind of wanted to talk to you about that.

I think I might be a sex addict.

- I promise you, you are not. - We had sex six times today.

- Okay, that's a lot. - And it was almost seven,

but then a professor walked in on us.

- I'm sorry, what?

- Everything I see makes me think of having sex with him.

Like, have you noticed how phallic

the lampposts on this campus are?

- I have not.

- Okay, I'm here.

Can we take a quick photo for proof and then we can leave?

- I was thinking we would cheer really loud

in the first song and then just scurry out.

- I can do that. - Hey, guys.

- Hey, did you turn in your submission?

- Yeah, it's in.

- Is everything okay? You don't seem excited.

- I don't know.

I'm just--I'm pretty sure I'm not getting in.

- You're probably just being tough on yourself.

- No, but it's fine. Maybe it's even for the best.

- Hello, everyone. We are the AcaFellas.

And we are ready to rock you.

Oh, though, to be clear, we only do pop covers.

Three, four.

[all vocalizing]

♪ Havana, ooh, na na ♪

♪ Half of my heart is in Havana, ooh, na na ♪

- Whoo! - Yes!

[all cheering]

- ♪ Havana, na na na ♪

- Okay, he saw us. Now we can leave.

- None of you ever let me do anything this embarrassing.

- ♪ Havana ♪

♪ He didn't walk up with the how you doin' ♪

- Okay, Whitney is meeting up with Canaan again tonight.

God, I love this.

- I'm sorry.

Are you invested in the happiness of someone else?

I do not know how to process this information.

- She's kind of cool.

And of the three of my roommates,

she's definitely the most normal.

And it turns out, I am pretty good at giving dating advice.

- You are for someone who introduced me

as a business acquaintance to a cashier.

- Okay, look, I'm not a showy person.

I don't need to put on a rainbow bathing suit

and run down the street screaming,

"I have a girlfriend."

- Oh, you have a girlfriend.

- Yeah.

No, I mean--I don't know.

[soft acoustic music]

Do I?

- Yeah, you do.

Come here.

- ♪ Going so fast every thought we had ♪

♪ Is coming undone ♪

♪ Falling behind with everything we left ♪

- Oh, shit. Baby senator's back, y'all.

- Uh-uh, we're gonna have to

work on that nickname, loud girl.

- Loud girl? Excuse me?

You know, actually, I love that. I am loud.

- You are loud. - Glad you came back.

- Of course I did.

I spent the last two hours thinking about one thing.

- Ditching Canaan for me? - What? No.

Nachos.

- Darius, no one would pick you over Canaan.

That's insane.

- [sighs]

[knocking on door]

[chanting] Bela! Bela! Bela!

Bela! Bela! Bela! - Bela Malhotra,

you've been tapped by the Catullan.

Do you accept? - Yes. Yes, I do.

- Congratulations. - You so deserve this.

Your packet was amazing. [cheering]

- I was dying reading your stuff.

You are an absolute genius.

- We're so proud of you.

- Yes!

♪ ♪

- ♪ Shine ♪

- Hey, let's not have sex tonight.

- Okay, I was gonna say the same thing.

- Really? - No.

- Oh. - It's all good.

Okay, other options. We can watch TV.

- TV sounds good. - Okay.

- I can't stay late, though.

I have to study since I public sexed

my way out of an Econ credit. - [sighs]

If you need help with that Econ grade, I can help.

Theta keeps copies of midterms and finals

that lazy professors recycle year after year.

So if you want to know what's on Bennett's test,

it's right here.

You could borrow it if you want.

- No, no, I can't do that.

Cheating is, sort of, the antithesis

of everything I believe in.

- All right. Whatever you want.

- What I want is to go back to your room, please.

There's this new documentary on

factory farming I really want to watch.

- Wow. First no sex and now a farming doc.

This night just keeps getting hotter and hotter.

- [groans]

I'm one glass away from getting Asian flush.

- You haven't had any yet. - Exactly.

- [laughs] [phone rings]

- Um, girlfriend, should I ask why

a girl named Maya is calling you at 1:00 a.m.?

- Oh, my God, chill. She's just a friend.

She's actually coming to visit in town this weekend.

- To visit your vagina?

- Maya is not a threat to you. Okay?

She's my brother, Nico's, girlfriend.

[funky upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Go to bed.