Original subtitles

- Hey, Jocelyn, uh,

would you ever tag me in one of your videos?

I'd love to get more followers. - I'll do it for 50 bucks.

- Whoa, Whitney, you look like shit.

- Uh, sorry, I didn't realize

this dorm meeting was a formal event.

- No, it's amazing.

You look like a celebrity taking out the trash.

I wish I had the confidence to look that bad.

- All right, my favorite FreshThem.

As you know, it is Parents' Weekend.

- Yay.

- My juggling group will be performing at the brunch,

if you are looking for something super fun to do.

- Ooh, Whitney, I'd love to fit in

a quick TikTok with your mom.

I mean, it is sponsored by Chex Mix,

so she cannot mention any other crunchy snack brands.

- All right, look, I get that my mom is exciting,

but my dad's coming, too.

He's pretty cool. He's a musician.

- Whoa.

- I can't find him online. Is he famous?

- He's a very well respected bassist in the Bay Area.

- Well, if your mom wasn't a senator,

that would probably be cooler.

- Frude, I'm just gonna jump in here for a second.

Um, before our families arrive,

I think we should all quickly share any lies

we've told them that we'd like each other to corroborate.

- Oh, hell, yes. Yes, that's smart.

- Finally, an actual reason to have one of these meetings.

- Hey. - I'll start.

My parents think I'm a neuroscience major,

which I'm clearly not.

Also, they think I've washed my sheets.

- I told my dad that all of our textbooks

come from Net-a-Porter,

and that is why he's getting charges.

- Oh, good one.

- My parents think I go to church every weekend.

I made up a priest. His name is Father Steve.

And he's guiding me on my faith journey.

- So good.

- I told my mom I joined the Young Republicans.

I didn't. I'm just trying to fuck with her.

But please corroborate.

- My parents cannot know I'm gay.

- Oh. - What?

- Might want to change that shirt.

- All right, I have about 50 of them.

- Wow. - All right.

No one mention my fake ID business

or my OnlyFans or my-- - I am leaving the room.

I cannot hear these things, and I am leaving the room.

- ♪ Don't say you were there when you weren't ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't think ♪

♪ You were there when I was hurtin' ♪

♪ And now I don't know if I want to come home ♪

♪ No, I don't know... ♪

- [laughs] So I said to Barack,

"You cannot break the glass ceiling

without getting some glass in your eye."

[laughing]

- My mom is so fake, it's insane.

- I think she's very inspiring.

- Are you wearing, like, an African dress?

- It's not African. It's tribal-themed.

I was invited to the Black Affinity House.

I wanted to show some respect.

- Well, you look like a Nigerian prom queen.

- Damn it. - I'm sorry.

- Hey, do you know how fancy this restaurant

Leighton chose for tonight is?

Some websites are saying three out of four dollar signs

and others are saying four.

- Uh, yeah, I have no idea. - Hi.

- [gasps] Senator Chase, that was incredible.

Representation matters. - [chuckles]

- I think it was Frederick Douglass

who once said-- - I can't. I'm sorry, I can't.

- Do you mind getting a scone or something?

- Absolutely.

[indistinct chatter] - [chuckles]

Is that girl wearing a dashiki?

- She is. - Mm.

- Uh, hey, Mom, I wanted to talk to you about something.

It's kind of personal.

- Well, can we do it Sunday between 3:30 and 4:30?

I have a board meeting, and then I have to cut the ribbon

for a new all-gender bathroom at the business school.

- You know what? Never mind.

I'll just see you at the restaurant, whatever.

- Thanks, honey, for being so flexible.

[indistinct chatter]

[pop music]

♪ ♪

- No, no, no!

Guys, we got to throw the leaves much higher.

They got to explode up into the air, okay?

- Dad, can we please stop, all right?

This is so embarrassing.

- Honey, this picture is very important to me.

I have dreamed of us being an Essex family

since you were a baby.

Come on, I want it to be perfect.

- What about the student-loan protest behind us?

- [sighs] We're lucky to even have student loans.

I don't know. Maybe I can scrub it out later, okay?

Let's just go again real fast

before the sun goes behind the library tower.

Okay, everybody get 30% more leaves.

30%, these are artisanal foliage, very expensive.

Big smiles, perfect family, perfect family.

- Holy shit.

- Here we go.

- Leighton, pay attention.

My facialist begged me to stay out of the sun.

- Sorry.

- Protect Mommy's face. Here we go.

Three, two, one, leaves. [camera shutter clicking]

Perfect. That's the one. That's the one.

- I think we did it. - That's my shit right there.

Yes! Perfect New England family!

[moody rock music]

♪♪

- So this is my absolute favorite class.

It's called biochemistry and biophysics.

It meets twice a week, but, honestly, it's so fun,

I wish it met three times.

- Seems so impressive, beta.

So many smart-looking boys.

- Yeah, these are my people.

- Good afternoon.

It's nice to see the parental elements

that combined to create the student compounds.

- [laughing] - Dad, cool it.

- He's a very funny man.

[jazzy piano music]

♪ ♪

- Don't scratch that car.

[chuckles]

- Dad, you're not gonna be a dick to Whitney's mom, right?

No one needs Sean Hannity at dinner tonight.

- No, I'm not gonna be a dick.

I'm only gonna ask about her insane stance

on inheritance tax.

- So this is the nicest restaurant near campus?

- So sorry it's not the Polo Lounge.

- It's just so earnest.

- Mom, it's good, chill.

Leight, you picked a great place.

- I love how unpretentious you are, Nicholas.

Oh, and you've gotten so built since you've been here.

I hardly recognize you.

- Still doesn't make it any more socially acceptable

that you want to have sex with him.

- Leighton Murray. - Jesus Christ, Leighton.

- Please don't suggest

that your mom wants to have sex with your brother.

- It's disgusting.

Plus, Nico could do so much better than me.

- Yes. - Let's just find our table.

- Wonderful.

- Hi.

[indistinct chatter]

- Oh, there's my girl. - Hi.

- [laughs] Ah!

All right, uh, you're wearing this?

- I mean, it's on my body, so, yes.

- Well, you know what?

With this figure, you could pull off anything.

[chuckles]

Your dad's not here yet.

You can stay out here if you want to.

♪ ♪

- Oh, no.

I was so worried about underdressing

that we overdressed.

- Nonsense. We look festive.

Come on.

- Hi. - Sorry we're late.

- Are you going to an event after this?

- Um, we're only attending this dinner.

- Well, I think they look great.

Well, welcome.

They're excited to be here as am I.

I told my security, unless the president is dead,

do not interrupt me.

[awkward laughter]

- I brought little surprise gifts for the girls.

Here you go.

The elderly woman across the street makes them,

keeps her dementia at bay, so...

- Thank you, Ms. Finkle. - Sure. They're purse hooks.

You hang 'em, then our bags never have to touch the ground.

[laughs]

- Bela, you should invent something like this,

like that woman who invented the underwear

that pulls your stomach in.

She's very rich.

- Mm, yeah, I've invested. I'll tell you that.

- Evette, can I just say what an honor it is to meet you?

- Thank you.

- May I ask-- did you fly here private

or first-class on the taxpayers' dollar?

- Dad. - [laughs]

I actually do fly private because of the death threats.

You must know what it's like to have people want you dead.

[laughter]

- That's great, that's great. Beautiful and funny.

Oh, I'm sorry,

I forgot it's a crime to give a woman compliments now.

- Well, when I hear one, I'll let you know. [laughs]

- Super chilly outside, isn't it?

- Yeah, how cold do we all think it is?

Mom, do you want to guess? - Oh, jeez, I'd love to.

- Okay.

♪ ♪

- "Price upon request."

They never do that when it's cheap, do they?

[chuckles] - Is this place okay, Kimberly?

- This is a lovely choice, Leighton.

- If everyone's ready, I'll flag down the waiter.

- Yes. - Oh, sorry.

I think we're still waiting for my dad, if that's okay.

- I mean, did he give an ETA?

- Oh, I'm sure he'll be here very soon.

♪ ♪

- This bread is so pretty.

I'm gonna take a picture for your dad.

He loves art.

- Yay! That's a good one.

- Um, everyone, well,

I'd like to say what a delight it is to see all of you again.

And so, to that end, I will be treating tonight.

- Oh, that's so generous. Thank you so much.

- No, no, we should split it. - Oh, Mr. Malhotra,

it really seems like he would like to pay.

- I cannot allow that. - No, just let him pay!

♪ ♪

- I actually insist we split it.

Legally any gift or meal

that I receive over $50 is considered a bribe.

- Okay.

- Just so you know, the purse hooks were under $50.

- [sighs] - Are you okay?

- Yeah.

- You're just scratching your neck a lot.

- It's fine. It's hives. It's normal.

Excuse me.

I get it, my hives are disgusting.

I think this dress is making it worse.

- Take my credit card for your share of dinner?

- No. - You are clearly stressed out

about how much it costs.

All right, I feel terrible.

- Then why did you choose such an expensive restaurant?

There are things on this menu

that cost more than my mom's plane ticket here.

- Just please take my card.

Okay, my parents won't even notice it

on the statement, really, just...

please.

- Thank you, Leighton.

♪ ♪

- Everything good? - Mm-hmm.

- I'm sorry. We really need to order.

My wife's blood sugar is spiking.

- It's true. I could faint.

Maybe Nico could catch me with those strong arms.

- Mom, chill. Just have some bread.

- I'm having bread. - Stop it.

- Why would you tell me to stop it?

- Please stop it. You're embarrassing yourself.

- I'm embarrassing no one. - It is Parents' Weekend.

- It is Parents' Weekend, so act like a parent.

- What is that supposed to mean?

- You know what it means.

Let's get to the important stuff.

Your love lives. - [chuckles] Oh.

- Who has a boyfriend?

- Mom, we've literally been here for, like, six weeks.

- Whitney, you're gorgeous.

I'm sure someone's caught your eye.

- Not really.

I'm too busy with soccer to have a boyfriend.

- Oh, boo. [cell phone vibrates]

- Oh, excuse me. I have to take this.

Can you order my dad the rack of lamb?

He'll be here so soon. - Yeah, of course.

- Thankfully for us,

Bela has never been too distracted by boys.

[laughter]

- What's so funny?

- Bela is the biggest--

- Bookworm.

I'm always studying.

- The Asian way-- that's very smart of you.

Kimberly, what about you? Are you dating anyone?

- Oh, no, I don't have a dating--a boyfriend.

I'm not dating a boyfriend.

- Oh, your nerves say otherwise.

- Are you seeing someone? - No, I'm definitely not.

- Mom, stop badgering them.

Maybe they don't want to discuss their private lives

with you, huh? - I'm ordering.

- Hey, are you at the train station?

I can take Mom's car and come get you.

- Honey, I'm in San Jose.

- You're in San Jose? Why?

- Actually, pretty exciting.

The Barbary Coast needed a bassist to fill in tonight,

and I said, yes.

- But it's Parents' Weekend.

- I know, honey. I wish I could be there.

- But, Dad...

Are you serious?

- Honey, I just want to make something of myself.

- Uh, I'm happy for you.

- I love you.

- Love you, too.

- Have fun.

♪ ♪

[toilet flushes]

- [sighs] Kimberly and her mother are so sweet.

Bless their hearts. And this sad little thing--

- Mom, that was a gift.

At least wrap it in a paper towel or something

before you throw it in the trash.

- Whatever, isn't it funny

how the ones with the cheapest purses

are always the most concerned about getting them dirty?

- Okay, I get it, all right? You hate my roommates.

Great, let's move on.

- Oh, I don't hate them. They're just--

they're not as sophisticated as your friends back home,

and you have to admit these girls are quirky.

- [scoffs] As quirky as you?

An anorexic housewife who shoplifts?

Mom, I'm sorry. I didn't mean--

- You think you are so much better than me,

but, sweetheart, you and I are exactly the same.

♪ ♪

- Wow, Carol, thank you.

This is so convenient. Thank you so much.

- You're welcome.

- Wait, this shit actually works

- Yeah, Mrs. Pratt says it can hold up to 45 pounds.

- Yes!

- Well, not to be a nagging parent,

but what is everyone majoring in?

When I went to Stanford, I was a double major

in African American studies and women's studies.

- [chuckles] - Is there something funny?

- Just all these majors with "studies" after it--

you know, gender studies, Islamic studies.

Whatever happened to good old-fashioned degrees,

like chem, econ, history, you know?

- I'm majoring in neuroscience.

- Oh. - It's my passion.

- Beta, isn't that Professor Harpin?

You should go to his table and greet him.

It shows respect.

- I don't want to bother him. He's with his wife.

What if she's leaving him or telling him she's gay?

That could be hella awkward. - What nonsense.

Go say hi right now.

- Uh, I will be back.

- Good girl, she's a good girl.

[indistinct chatter]

- Hey, Prof, it's Bela from biochem.

I just want to say, great lecture today.

Actually, all your lectures are great,

but today's was a banger.

- Thanks.

- Wonderful lecture today.

Nevaan Malhotra, Bela's father.

I wanted to thank you with something.

Show this card at any Subway restaurant,

and you'll be pleased you did.

- Um, I'm sorry, but I think there's been a mistake.

I pride myself knowing my students,

and you're not one of them.

- Nico, how's French going?

Oh.

- Oh, Kimmy's taking French, too.

Let me hear something from you guys.

I want to hear this French. [Nicholas chuckles]

[laughter]

- Ah, isn't he good?

[laughter]

- I wish I understood them, but I don't!

- Who ordered the rack of lamb? - Oh, uh, just put it here.

My father won't be joining us tonight.

- Wait, he's not making Parents' Weekend?

Oh, sweetheart, that's horrible.

- Oh, it was kind of a work emergency.

- Work emergency? I thought he was a musician.

- Uh-uh, no.

Look, I do not like my ex-husband.

He's a flake,

and I don't think he owns one single button-down shirt,

but you do not make my daughter feel bad about it.

- Evette, I did not-- - It's Senator Chase, Henry.

I saw the little eye-roll

you gave your wife about my ex-husband.

Don't do that to my kid.

You wait until you get to the hotel for that shit.

Come on!

- Whitney, I'm so sorry.

- It's okay.

[sighs]

♪ ♪

- Reena, may we borrow you for a family conversation?

Bela has something to explain out back behind the restaurant.

- Excuse me.

♪ ♪

- How could you lie to us like that?

- I can't believe I almost gave him a golden Subway card.

That's unlimited subs.

- I'm sorry, I'm not taking biochem because I know

what I want to do with my life, and it's not being a doctor.

I want to be a comedy writer. - [scoffs]

- And I'm, like, making progress

and pledging a really exclusive comedy-writing group.

And you guys love the funny stuff.

- I like "Young Sheldon," and that is it.

Bela, this school is very expensive,

and we are paying for you to study and learn,

not play around.

[sighs]

[insects chirping]

- [sighs]

- My girlfriends, you know, they just keep them.

My best cook pan, remember, Peggy had that,

and I never saw it again.

So I just cook in those toss-away tins now.

You should really use the real lemons,

but, you know, in Arizona, it's offensive.

If you get the thin stuff, it's gonna burn right through that,

then your top is ruined, anyway, on the pie.

So, well, that's just one of my tricks.

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

- Oh, I-- Mm.

- Okay, let's see here.

Leighton, why is your card in here?

- Oh, um, I--

- It's my card, the Malhotras, Senator Chase,

and yours.

- Wait, we didn't pay?

Leighton, why did you pay for our dinner?

- Oh, um...

it--it--it was a surprise treat.

- I asked her to.

♪ ♪

- [chuckles awkwardly]

It's... [clears throat]

Silly. Here you go, Leighton. Sorry.

- Well, Carol, don't worry about it.

- No, no, I insist. - Carol, it's fine.

- I'm paying for our portion...

of the bill, so it's end of discussion.

- Ma'am, your card.

- Thank you for saying that about Dad.

It meant a lot to me that you defended him,

and the look on Leighton's dad's face--

- He was right about your dad.

I'm so sick of making excuses for him.

I show up, you hate me.

He doesn't show up, you love him.

Whitney, one day you're gonna realize

he doesn't deserve the pedestal you put him on.

[moody indie music]

♪ ♪

- I'm going to ask the valet what's taking so long.

- [groans] He's so mad. - Mm, he'll be fine.

Bela, I know how much this dream means to you,

but we need you to protect your future,

just in case you don't become the next Amy Schumer.

- I'm impressed you remembered her name.

- Ha, of course I do.

You spent years watching her videos--

boobs, sex, funny stuff.

- Damn, Mom.

- Beta, I cut you a deal.

You promise me that you will take

that professor's biochemistry course next semester,

and I will work on your father,

get him to be a little more supportive.

- I can do that.

Also, I need money to buy books and underwear.

- I already put an envelope on your dresser.

[laughs]

♪ ♪

- [sighs]

♪ ♪

- I'm sorry if I embarrassed you at dinner tonight.

- Oh, you mean when you made me look like a street urchin

in front of the rich people?

[chuckles]

I knew dinner was gonna be expensive--I'd saved for it.

- I just freaked out.

Fitting in at Essex has been harder than I expected.

- Speaking of fitting in, where'd you get that coat?

It's not the one I shipped you.

- It's Leighton's.

- Oh, boy.

Honey, I am so proud of you for being here.

And I want you to have every amazing experience

this place has to offer.

I just don't want you to pretend

to be somebody you're not.

- I'm not.

- I think you've changed a little since Move-in Day,

and I'm not saying in a bad way, I'm just...

I'm noticing it.

Hey, it's okay.

Want to walk me back to the hotel?

- Yeah

♪ ♪

- All I said was--

- You know, I feel like she's not here for the right reasons.

And, honestly, neither is she.

[indistinct chatter on laptop]

- I think I like you better than anyone I know.

- Oh, no, that is so sad.

We've only known each other for, like, four weeks.

- Okay, well, I don't like a lot of people.

- Nah, don't compliment me and then water it down.

I want to feel that full-blown compliment.

Tell me how you like me.

- No! - Tell me how you like me!

- Get off me, you little weirdo!

Come on, you're pushing my boob!

[electronic music]

♪ ♪

[knock at door]

- That dinner fucking sucked.

- It wasn't that bad.

Like, for what it's worth,

I don't think of you as poor or anything like that.

- I am, though.

I am kind of poor, and that's okay.

I just--

I wish I could still, like...

belong here.

- What, at Essex?

You already do.

- Thank you. [chuckles]

♪ ♪

- Should we go to your room?

- Actually, I should probably get to bed.

I want to get a full eight hours of sleep in.

- Oh, okay.

- [chuckles]

I'm kidding.

Let's go.

♪ ♪

- Go to bed.