Original subtitles

- ♪ Get, get, get, get, get on up ♪

♪ Get on up ♪

- [screams] Holy shit!

How are you not freaking out?

- I am, I just freak out in a quieter way than you do.

Give me my phone-- - Ah!

- What hell is going on?

Bela, this better not be about another pic

of Pete Davidson in sweatpants.

- I can't believe I'm saying this,

but it's actually better than that.

Look at what Nico commented on Kimberly's pic.

- "That dress tho." Eye-bugging emoji.

Oh, damn! He wants to fuck you.

- That's what I said.

- No, I don't think that's true.

- Wait, has Leighton seen this?

- No, she's made it very clear she does not follow me

on social media. - Me too.

- Same. - And please don't tell her.

She gets mad at me when I touch her sweaters,

let alone her brother.

- So are you gonna reply to him?

- I thought I'd write back something cute.

Like, I could say, "That comment tho."

- Stop. No. That's bad.

Here's what you do.

Send him a picture, something tasteful

like pulling the top of your shirt way down

with your middle finger-- - Bela, too much.

8:00 AM. - [laughs]

- Oh, my God, he just deleted it.

- Wait, what? - What the fuck?

- He deleted the comment. It's gone.

Is this bad?

Like, maybe he decided

he doesn't like "that dress tho"?

- I mean, it doesn't seem good. - Hold up.

Nico deleting the comment is a good thing.

It means that not only was he into your picture--

wink, wink-- but he thought about it enough

to actually come back to it again later.

He's basically obsessed with you.

- Wow, Bela may actually have a point.

- Mm-hmm. - You know what? No.

I will not drive myself crazy

waiting on some man's attention.

I refuse to overthink this.

- Mm-hmm. [phone dings]

- Ugh.

- Well? - It's a coupon for Panera.

- ♪ First thing first, I'm a winner ♪

♪ You ain't even competition ♪

♪'Cause my land ain't for beginners ♪

♪ Only getting better when my head is getting bitter ♪

♪ Yes, I gotta keep it moving 'cause I never... ♪

- I know we're collecting these clothes

for people who need them,

but, really, haven't they been through enough?

- But these clothes are to help get people off the streets,

not into Dean & DeLuca for brunch.

- Oh, my God, do you think that's a brunch place?

- Hey, Leight, um, a bunch of us are going

to a drag queen trivia tonight, if you wanna join.

- Yeah, the winning team gets a free eyebrow shaping

and a photo with Vermont's best drag queen, Miranda Penis.

- I actually have plans tonight.

Theta's throwing one of their biggest parties of the year,

the Theta-lympics.

What? Why are you all so quiet?

Did I accidentally say something triggering again?

- Hey, I get that your brother is in Theta,

but frats can be extremely sexist, toxic nightmares.

I mean, we have been campaigning

to abolish Greek life for over a year now.

- Okay, look, I know frats get a bad rap,

all right, but Theta actually does a lot of good.

They just finished a construction project in Mexico.

- Yeah, on the Señor Frog's that they burned down.

- Okay, fine, maybe they're not perfect.

But have any of you even been to a frat party?

Hmm?

- I chained myself to a tree outside one once.

- So we're making a judgmental assumption?

- You're right. - Thank you.

- Yeah, I mean, we shouldn't be judging Theta

until we go to one of their parties.

- Mm-hmm.

- So maybe we should all go tonight.

- No!

Oh, no, no, come on.

I mean, you guys have your super fun drag queen thing.

- No, no, no, no, let's give Theta a chance

to prove us wrong.

Send me that invite.

- I can.

Just FYI, they did photoshop a boob

into the Theta logo.

- And we're off to a great start.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- I have the coolest fucking plans tonight.

"The Catullan" editors are throwing

a wine and cheese soirée.

- Yeah, that doesn't sound cool.

But, hey, things must be going well

if they invited you over.

- Oh, no, they didn't invite me.

I overheard them invite someone else,

so I got all the deets I need to crash it.

- Do we need to say something,

or do we just let her do this craziness?

I'm still learning your dynamic.

- Hey, I need facetime with these dudes

however I can get it.

I want them to respect me,

and this is a hell of a lot easier than growing a dick.

You know?

Hey, Hayden, sick tracksuit.

You get that at the Essex bookstore?

- Pfft, nah, it was team issued.

Drip-drip, right?

- Team-issued, like, for free?

We didn't get those, did we? - Nah.

The guys' team always gets more shit than we do.

- Yeah, I don't know, these were just waiting

for us in our lockers after our last game.

- Which you lost. Badly.

- I mean, did we really lose if we had fun?

- Hmm. - And, yes, we lost 7-1.

- Are you kidding me?

- Welcome to the world of being a female college athlete.

I try to ignore it so I don't go insane,

but you should have seen me last year when I first saw

how much nicer their locker rooms are than ours.

- How much nicer is it?

- Exactly. I looked just like that.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, Canaan. - Hey.

- You're kinda like my only male friend so far,

can I ask-- - Nope.

I see where this is heading, and I do not do dating advice.

- Oh, my God, no. This is so not about dating.

But it is about a boy I like. - Okay.

- Okay, when you're flirting with a girl,

do you ever comment on her Instagram

and then delete said comment later?

- Wait, what? - See, I told you.

You're dealing with a sociopath.

A hot sociopath. But honestly, most are hot.

- Look, Kimberly, I don't have time for this conversation.

And neither do you.

These Econ problem set is due at midnight,

and it's crazy hard. Focus on that.

- Okay, I just can't tell if he likes me or not.

- Hmm.

- Look, if he left a nice comment,

he probably meant it.

Either that, or he's a fuckboy. - So what do I do?

- You should do your Econ homework.

- Look, if you want to know if Nico's into you,

test it.

Post a story and see if he checks it right away.

If he does, that means you're really high up

in his algorithm, and algorithms, they don't lie.

- Oh, my God, you're a genius! - I know.

- Okay, so what should I put in my story?

Like a topical TikTok dance, or--[gasps]

I can do a SpongeBob impression.

- Okay.

- You should not have custody of your phone.

[upbeat dance music]

- ♪ Hit the mall and our fashion fits our flesh ♪

♪ Hit the club and I'll... ♪

- Hey, my for-some-reason shirtless brother.

- Oh, I'd make up a reason for why my shirt is off,

but, honestly, it's because I know I look good without it.

- [chuckles] - What's up?

- I need to bring some other girls with me tonight?

- Dope. Other Kappa hopefuls?

- No, they're from the, um, the Women's Center.

- Oh. Less dope.

Uh.

Doesn't the Women's Center, like, hate the frats

and what to shut us down? - Yes.

But everything they know about frats is

from the Kavanaugh hearings.

All right, so just let them in, and they'll see

it's not as bad as they think. - Leight, you don't understand.

Theta is already on thin ice with the administration,

and one more complaint could get us shut down.

- They are not going to shut you down.

- Tell that to Sigma Chi.

They used to be down the block, and now their building is

an Amazon fulfillment center.

Look, Leight, please.

Just do us both a favor and convince them not to come.

- [clears throat] So upon some reflection,

I think we should all go to your drag thing.

- Uh, sorry, Leight, a deals a deal.

We're going to Theta.

- But if you want to support Miranda Penis,

you can Venmo her tips. It's @CharlesSmith78.

[phone dings]

- Dude, these sombreros are awesome.

- Is anyone in our delegation a Women Studies major?

- Fuck no. - Minor?

- Get out of here with that crap.

- No?

Shit.

- This is Whitney Chase, starting forward

for the Essex Women's soccer team,

and I am documenting the disparity

between male and female student athletes.

Now, I have been told that the men's locker room is

significantly nicer than the women's.

And, honestly, I--

Oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me.

This is insane.

Wood-paneled lockers?

And next up, the Essex fox mascot uniform

to cheer them on while they dry their balls.

And let's see what else they've got--

- What the fuck? - Oh, shit.

Sorry.

- What the hell were you thinking?

- I was spotlighting injustice so I could go public

with the footage and get it fixed.

- Right, 'cause news outlets regularly share videos

of floppy 18-year-old penises.

Do you know how much trouble you could have gotten into?

You're lucky I convinced Coach Jim to let this go.

- So that's your plan?

Just look away and condone a system

where we get treated worse?

- Chase, I am a 54-year-old lesbian soccer coach.

You don't need to tell me how hard it is for female athletes.

Okay, and no, that's not all I'm doing.

I'm also benching you for two games.

- What! That is so unfair.

- You can go.

- ♪ I like it better when you hold me ♪

♪ Don't act like you don't know me ♪

- Okay, so how soon after you posted the story

did Nico look at it? - Two minutes.

- Damn, girl, my stalker doesn't even check

my stories that fast.

And he served time. Nico's into you.

- Okay, and then he invited you to the Theta party?

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, yeah.

That's a sex invite. Shower good.

- No, you're crazy.

- Kimberly, there is no other way to interpret it.

Go for it, seize the dick.

- Okay, but then I replied with a GIF

of a baby running real fast saying, "I'm coming."

And he replied "JK,"

and then, "Whoops, that was meant for someone else."

- And that was it?

Hmm.

Maybe I should just stay in and do my Econ.

I have to upload it by midnight sharp

or I get a zero.

- Or you should go tonight,

let him flirt like this in person,

and see if something happens. - I agree with Jocelyn.

And I say that as someone

with extremely high social intelligence.

All right, I'm gonna go crash a cheese party

I wasn't invited to.

Seize the dick.

Seize the dick. - Hey!

- Seize the dick, seize the dick.

- [whispering] Seize the dick, seize the dick.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Bela, what are you doing here?

- Uh, duh, I'm here for the cheese thing.

You goof.

- Uh, hey, Coach Woods, you wanted to see me?

- Take a seat.

- Dalton, let's go! - Dalton?

- Okay, what is happening?

You mom has asked for a meeting.

So thanks for making a two-game suspension

a national security issue.

- What?

Coach, I swear I didn't ask her to do this.

I mean, I only-- [computer dings]

- Hello. - Mom, what the hell?

- I'm reaching out to your coach

because I would like for her to explain

why my daughter called me, all upset,

to tell me she had been benched

for standing up against discrimination.

- And we welcome that opportunity.

But we do have rules.

- Senator, I assure you, we love your daughter.

Like, all of us do. We all do.

Coach Woods included even more so than I.

- Oh, my God.

- I'm sorry, who are you?

- Uh, Dalton, assistant coach.

- Coach Woods, can you turn the screen slightly

to frame him out? - Oh, yeah.

- Now, as you probably can expect,

I cannot sit back and allow my daughter

to be mistreated.

I'm not saying I want to go to the dean

about a leadership change-- - Mom, stop it!

- Senator Chase,

I am willing to overturn my previous decision.

But, uh, I hope you understand why I took this so seriously.

[clears throat] Your daughter filmed naked boys

without their permission.

- Wait, I'm--I'm sorry, what?

- Well, she's lucky the 17-year-old goalie

stayed in the sauna

since that would legally be the creation

of child pornography.

- Could you angle me towards my daughter?

- Oh, yeah, you bet.

- Nudes of a minor?

Jesus, Whitney, we're not the Kennedys.

- Mom, I'm sorry, I just wanted to make things right.

- You and I will talk about this later.

- Yeah. - [chuckles]

Thanks again, Gertrude. Appreciate your time.

Girl, I love that blouse. [chuckles]

- [chuckles]

[sighs]

[upbeat music]

- Hey, what are you guys talking about over here?

How cool this guy's hair is?

- Hmm? - We were discussing Franzen.

- Ugh, Franzen sucks.

My parents used to keep this box of white Zinfandel

in their fridge.

One time, I drank it all and barfed

in my cat's litter box.

[chuckling] - Do you mean Franzia?

The boxed wine?

- No, no, I was obviously joking, guys.

- Uh, but hey, I'm gonna get that, uh, cheese platter

somebody brought and eat something

off of it.

[sighs]

- So which person here do you find the most insufferable?

I'm going with the girl who's mentioned

studying abroad in Syria, like, nine times.

Oh, by the way,

I thought that last piece you wrote was great.

The one about all the people your immigrant dad

keeps confusing with Jennifer Garner?

- Cool, thank you so much. I'm glad you liked it.

I can say it comes from a real place.

My immigrant dad confuses a lot of people with Jennifer Garner.

- Well, I wrote some notes on it,

if you're interested. - Oh, my God.

That would be great.

[upbeat dance music]

- We tossed all the sombreros, kimonos, and fake afros.

We tried to get rid of any and all triggers.

- Yeah, yeah, I mean, it looks good.

I can't imagine the Women's Center crew

being offended by any of this.

- Leighton, hi. May we enter?

Where is everybody?

Does the party not begin at 8 o'clock?

- It's 8:05, that's an insane time to arrive

for an 8 o'clock party.

- Uh, can I take your coat?

- I will keep it on and buttoned, thank you.

- Great, yeah, whatever makes you comfortable.

- I made you a bread.

- Oh, that's--wow, it's so heavy.

Cool. Uh, please. Let me show you around.

- Nico, what a lovely craftsman home you have.

- ♪ For life ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Take my hand ♪

- So tonight is gonna be a shitshow, isn't it?

- Heh, oh, yeah.

Um, do you want a drink?

- Oh, I already started in the driveway.

But yeah, let's continue drinking.

Please. - [laughs]

- Ginger, is that a bodycam?

- What? No, no. This is a normal broach.

- Yeah, I think if you make a few of these cuts,

it'll be great.

You should totally include this

in your final writing submission.

- Really? Cool, thank you so much.

Should we go back out there?

- Hey, before we go, I want to show you

this funny video I saw. - Sure.

After yours, I have one too.

It's a lady who falls with a milkshake.

[moaning from computer]

- Theta-lympics are a celebration

of competition and pageantry.

Uh, specifically, drinking competition

and drinking pageantry. - Okay.

- But note that we take every possible precaution.

Drinks are poured by licensed bartenders.

And two brothers have been designated

as sober problem-solvers.

- You can calm down.

Look, I know that you think I'm some, like,

big, scary lesbian protester-- - Whoa!

- Coming to get you.

- I did not know that you are a lesbian.

It would be rude if I'd assumed that.

- Nico, less.

- Hey, so, I'm just here to have a good time.

Now, would you please hold my feet for a keg stand?

- Only if you hold mine afterwards.

Equality. - Oh, my God.

- Okay, cool. Needs more ice.

- Uh, actually, I am gonna go make sure

that Ginger has her gluten-free beer.

Check on her.

- But really, I'm here for me. Not for him.

I don't even care if I see him. - Okay, good.

- Yeah, tonight's a "me" night. - Mm.

- But in the event that I do see him,

should I mention him deleting the Instagram comment?

- Hi, what's going on over here?

Actually, I don't care.

I'm just trying to avoid someone, so.

- Damn, okay.

- Hey, there she is. - Hey.

- How was the wine and cheese thing?

- It was fine.

- That's it? - Yeah, what?

What's wrong? - You're acting weird.

- Yeah, your vibes are way off.

- Yeah, um, something sort of weird actually did happen.

One of "The Catullan" editors was giving me notes on a piece,

and then he put on a porn.

- What? Why did he do that? - Were you hooking up with him?

- No, we were just talking, and then he put it on.

- So like a predator does. - No, not like a predator.

- It was friendly.

He said he just wanted to show me a funny video.

- And the funny video was porn? - Bela, I don't like this.

- Was the porn even funny though?

- That's the thing, I couldn't figure out

what the funny part was,

but I must have missed something.

It's fine.

- Well, do you remember what it was called?

[moaning from phone]

- Maybe he thought it was funny that they kept their socks on?

- No, I don't think so.

- Is it funny that his balls are a different color

than his penis?

- Was he laughing while you were watching?

- No, he was just staring at it

and, like, breathed heavy.

We didn't even make eye contact until it ended.

- Yeah, hey, final decision. This guy is weird as fuck.

- Yeah, I agree. You should avoid him.

- Okay, if this was Eric, that would be one thing,

but this is Ryan. He's the nice one.

- Hey!

No watching porn tonight!

We are on our best behavior.

[driving dance music]

- Okay, all right, this is gonna be okay.

But listen, I'm gonna need you to sweep

like you've never swept before.

- Yo, I am the king of sweeping.

Hit it. - Go. Okay, go! Go, sweep!

Sweep! Oh!

- What! - Fuck yes! Yes.

[all cheering]

- Looks like Nico's got himself a new Barbie doll.

- Her?

Girl, what the hell did your Barbie dolls look like?

- Great job, Nico! - Hey!

- Hey! - Thanks, man.

[awkward laughter]

- Did he just call you "man"?

- Maybe he said "ma'am." - That's not better.

- Hey! - Hey! Thank you!

- All right, I'm gonna get you later.

- All right, sounds good.

- Oh. - Oof.

- What the hell, I just--

- Oh. - Of course it's you.

- Oh, take it easy. What are you gonna do?

Grab some more pics of my dick for your personal collection?

- That's not what I was doing. - Okay.

- Look, do you think it's fair that a men's soccer team

with a losing record gets tons of swag

while a women's team with a winning record gets nothing?

- Okay, I think that we get shit

because people actually come to our games.

And people prefer men's sports

because we're better natural athletes.

We're stronger, we're faster, and we have bigger muscles.

Was that too real of an answer for you?

- You really think you're faster than me?

- Yeah, mm-hmm.

- Prove it.

♪ ♪

- [chuckling]

- Um, why are there so many sombreros in that dumpster?

- I think when they heard we were coming,

they ditched some of the more problematic elements

of this party, and by problematic,

I do mean deeply, deeply racist.

- We? - Huh?

- You just said, "When they heard we were coming."

What, are--are you one of us now?

- Oh, a Women's Center person?

Um, are you insane? I would sooner do improv.

- Oh, God, we're that bad?

- Yeah, you're right, I crossed a line.

- Ooh. [both laugh]

[zipper unzips, trickling] - oh, oh, yeah...

- Dude, can you please not take a piss right next to us?

I mean, I came here to drink, not see the side of your dick.

- Whatever. - Asshole.

- If you don't like it, leave, you dyke.

- What the fuck did you just call me?

- Fuck off.

- Take that, motherfucker.

Yes, this dyke is kicking your fucking ass!

- Alicia! Alicia! Alicia, stop! - Get off of me.

- What the hell?

- Who's side are you on, anyway?

- Did you see that?

- Wait, Alicia. Wait up.

Alicia. Alicia, stop.

- Why?

So that you can get mad at me for defending myself

against that fucking dick?

- No, I just didn't want to see you get hurt.

Okay, that guy could have killed you.

I know you think you're tough,

but you are fucking 5 feet tall.

- I am 5'2"!

- Okay, I am so, so sorry that that happened.

Okay, and I'm so sorry that I brought you here.

I--I swear to God, I've never seen these guys

do anything like that before. - Yeah, of course you haven't.

Because they don't treat you like they treat me.

I'm just this queer girl that they can't fuck.

But you, you're this pretty, blonde, straight girl

who they actually think is worthy of respect.

- That--that's not true. - Yes, it is.

- No.

No--no, I mean, what--

what you said about me.

You're wrong.

- What part am I wrong about?

[Black Belt Eagle Scout's "Soft Stud"]

♪ ♪

- Whoa, I was, like, really wrong about you.

- Shut up.

♪ ♪

[cheering] - Let's go, let's go.

All right, all right.

First one to a mile permanently proves

which gender is superior.

Three, two, one, go!

[partygoers cheering]

- See me all day, baby. - I got you.

- Okay. - Yeah, okay.

- Hey, Kimberly, wait up.

Hey. - Hey.

- I feel terrible.

Like, I invited you, I got busy,

and I barely saw you.

- Oh, I didn't even notice.

I was just hanging out with so many friends.

- Right.

- But I have to get going. Homework.

- Oh.

Do you want me to walk you?

- Yeah, you can do that.

[chuckles] - Sure.

- Give it up for feminism! - Yeah!

- I'm close! - You're gonna win!

- No, no, no, no, no!

- Yeah! That's right!

Yeah, that's right!

I guess men are faster than women after all.

Whoa!

[crowd gasps] - Shit.

- Nevertheless, she persisted!

[partygoers cheering]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- So was the Theta-lympics everything you hoped for?

- Yeah.

I mean, no one spilled a beer on me,

so it was easily my favorite Theta party yet.

Hey,

did you leave a comment on my Instagram and then delete it?

- Yes.

I didn't want anyone reading it and getting the wrong idea.

- The wrong idea like what?

You're my sister's roommate, and I'm tutoring you,

and I shouldn't be saying you look, uh...

You know.

[sentimental music]

♪ ♪

I should get back.

- Thanks for walking me home.

- No problem.

- ♪ Disappear ♪

♪ ♪

♪ There's all my tears ♪

- Oh, shit.

- ♪ I've cried them all out ♪

♪ ♪

- [sighs] Fuck.

- Fuck.

- ♪ Never let go of the grave ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Never even once said ♪

♪ Explain ourselves ♪

- Are you seriously leaving right now?

- No, it's just late. That's all.

- Look, I get it.

I always used to rush away after sex too.

Instead, you know, maybe you could just come sit down.

We could order some Postmates,

maybe watch some "Indian Matchmaker."

- Okay.

Okay, I will stay for one to six episodes.

- Okay.

- ♪ Let it all go ♪

- Um, could I borrow your Netflix login?

- Are you serious? Did you get hurt?

- I'm fine. You should see the treadmill.

My chin definitely dented it.

- Whit, we need to talk.

We can't do this anymore.

- Are you breaking up with me?

- It's my fault.

This whole thing was wrong.

And it was inappropriate for me to ever go along with it.

- "Go along with it"?

- Look, we just need to end it.

- I don't--I don't understand.

Wait, is this because of the--the call with my mom?

- Whit, if she ever found out we're together,

I'd be done. You know it.

She would have me so cancelled.

It would be this big story, and no school would ever hire me.

- Wait, so--so what now?

We just go on pretending everything's normal,

and you go home to your fucking wife

and hope she forgives you and takes you back?

- I never actually told her.

- You shouldn't tell anyone, either.

We both have a lot to lose.

["History & the Victors" by Catriona Irving]

[engine turns over]

- What the fuck?

- ♪ It's oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It's oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It's stopped by a look ♪

♪ And it doesn't take much to be misunderstood ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Freed by a sound ♪

♪ Falling up the water of the roll of the rocks ♪

♪ It's not that I don't mind ♪

♪ It's just I need a little time ♪

♪ It's not that I don't mind ♪

♪ It's just I need a little time ♪

♪ And stop for a minute ♪

♪ I don't care who's in it ♪

♪ Your head chose ♪

♪ And your heart knows ♪

♪ There's a lot of leaves in the sky ♪

♪ Believe in your own shine ♪

♪ Should say so, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ It's ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ ♪

- Go to bed.