All language subtitles for The.Sex.Lives.of.College.Girls.S03E01.Welcome.Back.to.Essex.720p.MAX.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.x264-NTb

Well, John Essex,

I'm here to say goodbye.

I came here to
revolutionize comedy

and become the first BIPOC,
sex-positive Mark Twain.

But instead, all I did was
skip class and tap ass.

I know that actually makes
it sound pretty cool,

but I promise, it's not.

The truth is, I'm a dick.

I alienated every
group I joined,

I put my ambition
before my friendships,

and I squandered all
my opportunities.

So... (sighs) I'm leaving.

I'll miss you and my roommates,

and of course, the endless sea

of ripped men who shared
their bodies so freely.

But I need to work on
my hardest project yet:

myself.

Also, damn, you
have a thick neck.

And you're what,
seven foot, three?

If we were here at
the same time, Johnny,

I would've been all over you.

Excuse me, miss?

Bela Malhotra? Were
you just in there

- asking to transfer schools?
- Yes. That was me.

You see, my first year
of college was not

what I had hoped for.

After giving a few hand
jobs to secure a spot

in an elite comedy
magazine, I rea...

Yeah, I don't need
to know all of that,

but you can't transfer.

I've worked here for 30 years,

I've never seen a
GPA as low as yours.

A girl in a coma
did better than you.

Yeah, but that was
clearly, like, political.

I think your only option is
to come back here in the fall

and try and get your grades up.

Also, that's not John Essex.
It's Jacob Meier-Yates.

And he was a bad man.

He froze to death
on the Oregon Trail

after eating his family.

Yikes!

Really need to work
on my taste in men.

♪ You do ♪

♪ Bet, bet on that ♪

♪ You do ♪

♪ Bet, bet on that ♪

♪ You do ♪

♪ Bet, bet on that... ♪

Summer was so fun.

I can't wait to tell everyone

about our backpacking
trip to Europe.

Same, but just as a reminder,

what we did was definitely
not backpacking.

You hired a chauffeur

and we stayed in luxury
hotels the whole time.

Yeah, I mean, sure,
but I did have

a really cute little backpack.

God, I love Vermont.

The leaves, the mountains,
the maple syrup.

If it wasn't for their
insane socialist politics,

I would move here.

Well, you know, it's a
great place for lesbians.

Yeah, lesbians who love
to pay inheritance tax.

Dad, it's so nice
spending time with you,

but you really didn't have
to come for move-in day.

Honey, I'm not gonna
miss out on a road trip

with my favorite gal pals, okay?

Plus, I've been a
little depressed,

and your mom said I had
to get out of the house.

Oh, um, do you mind
just pulling over?

Um, yeah. Yeah, sure, of course.

Is-is everything okay?

It's fine. It's...
just a quick call.

Sorry.

Just one minute.

If you think she's talking
to some other girl,

you're wrong.

I mean, that was my
first thought, too,

but I just don't want
your mind to go there.

♪ One day ♪

♪ Soon you'll be loving me... ♪

Ooh, the first Finkle to make it
to the second year of college.

You did it, honey!

You lasted longer
than your cousin Ron

who got kicked out
of Arizona State

for AirDropping photos of
his penis to strangers.

I'm very proud, Mom.

Well, have you heard
back from Whitney yet?

No. She's still ghosting me

'cause of all the Canaan stuff.

Oh, honey, look,
fighting over a boy is

such small potatoes in the
lifetime of a friendship.

- Everything's gonna be okay.
- Thanks, Mom.

Well, I, for one, am very
excited to meet Canaan.

- Dad, what are you wearing?
- Do you like it?

Donald Glover wore something
very similar at the, uh, BAFTAs.

Uh, it's... very iridescent.

Yeah, and not very breathable.
I'm sweating like a pig.

- It's bad.
- Okay.

Uh, but worth it to
impress your new boyfriend.

Oh, he's not my boyfriend.

We haven't defined
things in that way.

Sorry. Uh, "partner"

or whatever, whatever
young people say now.

- I think it's person-friend?
- Oh, person-friend.

- It's not.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- Well, we should get on the road.

- Okay. Love you, guys.
- Oh, I love you.

Wait, wait, wait, I thought
we're all going out to lunch.

I want Canaan to, uh,
see my shirt and like me.

Yeah, I'll tell him
about it. Love you, guys.

Love you!

♪ But for what? ♪

♪ For what... ♪

Show us

you mother-daughter
drop-off dance.

♪ Just want that Hailey JB... ♪

It's perfect. I cannot
wait to post this.

I dare Chris Matthews to say
I'm alarmingly stiff again.

Okay, well, I'm just
glad I get to help you

with your important,
mission-driven work, Mom.

I love you so much.

And I know your sophomore year
is going to be incredible...

There she is!

Oh, my God! Stop! I know her.

- You know this assailant?
- Oh, my God.

Um, she's not an assailant, Mom.

This is my sorority
sister, Ashlie.

I'm sorry, Ashlie.
Since January 6th,

we have a no-tolerance policy

for strawberry-blonde
women running at me.

Oh, oh, my God, no, I'm fine.
My spine took the brunt of it.

Let me help you with
those, my new sister.

Not "sista."
That's never okay.

I am just gonna say it.

I think it's weird that
you're living here.

It's not weird, Mom.

The Kappa house is
like the Four Seasons.

Plus, it's close to
the soccer field, okay?

- It's gonna be a great year.
- I am just surprised

you're not living
with Kimberly again.

I liked her.

She would text me
the GPS coordinates

of any party you were attending.

Yeah, well, Kimberly and I...

What's wrong, honey?

Nothing, I just needed a change.

You want to walk me inside?

Sure.

Their game is not that
good. Trust me on this.

I would never
objectify a young man.

But I will keep staring
until he walks by.

Mom, stop. Weird.

♪ So much for hoping ♪

♪ So much for knowing. ♪

Oh, thank God you're here.

This is a disaster.

We live in a triple.

Oh, hi, Bela.

My summer was great, too.
Thank you for asking.

How weird is this?

This is the common room,
and then all of us sleep

in that one tiny bedroom.

Oh, hell no.

Isn't it fucking weird?

Guys, it's three beds in a room.

Yeah, but it's,
like, asymmetrical.

I'm getting dizzy.
I need to sit down.

I am not sleeping
on some bunk bed

like some sleepaway camp nobody.

Dibs on the single.

I think you guys are
both being dramatic.

It's not just that.

This is just strange
without Whitney.

Yeah. She was our Sporty Spice.

We're 25% less hot now.

I miss that bitch.

Well, I for one think
this new room is amazing.

The view is so much
better from the top floor.

We're gonna see so many birds!

Fine. But we got to style
the crap out of this place.

Like with this chair.

I got here early and
installed it myself.

Sophomore year, we got
to step up our game.

Bela, are you okay?

I'm fine, I'll fix that later.

I will be making all of our
furniture decisions this year.

Understood.

Have either of you
heard from Whitney?

I know she isn't talking to me,
but it's weird that she didn't

text the group thread
once the entire summer.

There's a new
thread without you.

- What?
- And Leighton and I went

to visit Whitney in
D.C. and had dinner

- with Kamala Harris.
- What?!

I wasn't going to
tell her that part.

Look, you need to fix this.

It's giving me
group chat anxiety.

Plus Bela keeps sending
her jokes in both threads,

and it is hard enough to
pretend that I like them once.

Well, I tried to fix
things all summer.

I texted, I called,

I even sent her a
really moving video

of me playing the ukulele,
but she never responded.

So I figured she just
needed time to get over it.

Or maybe you gave her
so much space and time

that she realized her
life was fine without you.

At least that's what
she told Kamala.

She talked to Kamala about me?

Well, mostly Doug.

Doug was there?

♪ You make me feel like ♪

♪ Lilies in springtime ♪

♪ Fly me to the moon... ♪

Is it me, or did a bunch
of guys at this school have

a major glow-up this summer?

I mean, look at Skinny Greg.

Now he's Thick Greg.

Look at all that
titty meat he put on.

Yo, I think I'm gonna
fuck Thick Skinny Greg.

I, too, have an announcement.

After a summer full
of soul searching,

I've decided I'm gonna
take a break from comedy.

- Aw. - Oh.
- Wait,

didn't those girls kick
you out of their group?

I mean, you're just...

making it sound like
it was your choice.

While that is technically true,
I have simultaneously decided

that I will be
transforming myself.

I hated who I was last year.

I was selfish, I was lazy,

and I led every
situation with sexuality.

Like even now.

Why is my shirt buttoned so low?

I'm proud of you, Bela. It's
hard to look in the mirror,

realize you're annoying,
and want to change.

Yeah, a break from
comedy is good, you know.

I can't believe I know
which comedy theater

every cast member from
SNL got their start at.

I mean, I'm popular,
I shouldn't know that.

- Hello, my former fresh-thems.
- Oh.

I'm so proud to see
you so happy and...

Ugh!

- Frude, are you okay?
- I am not.

I just found out I
contracted tropical pneumonia

on my summer volunteer trip.

So I am actually
returning to Sweden.

I'm looking for someone
who'd be willing

to be a FAF for
my new fresh-them.

It is such an important job.

Who will comfort them
when they are homesick?

Or spray Narcan in their
tiny, young nostrils?

- Oh.
- Ooh.

I'll do it. I'll be a FAF.

Y-You're being serious?

Yeah, I think I'd
be great at it.

I made a ton of
mistakes last year.

Maybe the best person
to guide these kids

is someone who really
messed up a lot.

Traditionally, that
is not the criteria.

I want to help people
avoid the mistakes I made.

Please, Frude. I really
think I can do this.

Also, I was a camp
counselor one summer,

and I almost never lost a kid.

Okay, then.

I'll send over all the
necessary materials

you need for...

- Ugh.
- Oh, my God, okay, Frude?

We love you, walk away
from our food right now.

Right now.

Well, I'm off.

I'm going to buy an
apology gift for Whitney.

I'm thinking a small, tasteful
crystal raccoon figurine.

You're getting her
a crappy trinket

for fucking her boyfriend?

Well, first off, Canaan
wasn't her boyfriend anymore,

and we actually haven't had sex.

You haven't even fucked him yet?

It's been all summer. Why
is this betrayal so chaste?

Well, Canaan was in New
York for his internship,

and I was back home
working at Groomingdales.

We did try to have a naughty
Zoom session one night,

but my computer is busted
and I couldn't figure out

how to turn off the
pirate hat filter.

Okay, just come up with a
better gift for Whitney.

Okay, we all need
you to fix this.

Oh! What if, instead of
getting something for her,

I made something for her?

Okay, that's a no. I'll
think of something.

I'll text you ideas. I
don't trust your taste.

How are you kicking
the ball so hard?

Did you start taking steroids?

Nod once for yes

and twice if you'll give me some
to help grow my booty muscles.

No, I'm just picturing
Kimberly's dumb face as I kick.

Interesting. I actually think
her face is quite pretty.

I knew that would fuel you.

Stay angry, we'll ride this
all the way to nationals.

Scrimmage.

Returning starters in blue,
first-years in yellow.

Ready to put these
girls in their place?

You know it. But it
might be mostly on you.

I haven't exercised since June.

♪ Na-na-na-na-na ♪

♪ Don't stop, let's drop ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na, don't stop ♪

♪ Give me some, give me
some, give me some, girl ♪

♪ Don't stop ♪

♪ Don't let your body
stop, let your body go ♪

♪ Don't let your body stop ♪

♪ Give me some, give me
some, na-na-na-na-na ♪

♪ Don't stop, let's drop ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na, don't stop ♪

♪ Give me some, give me
some, give me some, girl... ♪

Yo, that new girl is good.

What position is she?

She lined up in center.

Whit, you might
be in for a fight.

♪ On the beat of the
drum, give me some ♪

♪ On the beat of the drum ♪

♪ Give me some, don't stop ♪

♪ On the beat of the
drum, give me some. ♪

- Hello?
- Oh, hey, Leighton.

Professor Tocchini,
where is everybody?

Isn't this supposed
to be Algebraic

and Differential Topology?

It was, but you
were the only person

that passed the placement exams,

so the school is
canceling the course.

Wait, so I'm being punished for
being the only one good at math

at this cheap-ass school?

Yes.

Well, this is fucked!

I-I was psyched to learn
about sequences of fibrations

- and fiber bundles.
- The good news is

that you could fill this
opening in your schedule

by taking one of the other
classes that I'm teaching.

I mean, have you
ever thought about

the role math plays
in The Hobbit, huh?

Oh, hey, who-who you calling?

Our family lawyer.

My dad and grandpa
dodged two different wars

to be able to attend Essex.

So they will not be
happy about this.

Just wait-wait a
second. C-Can you stop?

If you could... Just stop, stop.

Sorry. Sorry.

The only other
thing you could do

is you could take this
class at a nearby school.

Essex is part of a consortium,

so if you don't mind
a little travel,

you, you could take a much
more advanced math class

at the UVM grad school.

- How much is a little travel?
- 30 minutes.

60. S-Sometimes 90.

But it's very scenic.

♪ All I want is you ♪

Fine.

♪ All I want is you. ♪

Damn! Rain shower. Okay.

Oh.

Okay. Spa music.

Bulgari. Oh, this shit
is coming with me.

Hi there.

Hi.

Sorry, uh, you surprised me.

Sorry. I've trained myself
to have a really light tread

so I can find out if the other
girls are talking about me.

I'm Blair. So what do you
think of Kappa so far?

You know, I'm really gonna
miss the guy in our dorm

who got so drunk, he thought
our door was a urinal.

But other than that, I
would say this is okay.

Oh, my God, that's
so good to hear.

Look, I've been tasked

to speak with you about
something, though.

It was me. I took all
the soaps and shampoos.

They're just so fancy.

No, you just...
You didn't attend

the Bagels and Bonding
event this morning,

so I have to give you this.

- Oh, a bill for $80?
- Yeah.

- No, I was at... I was at soccer.
- Yes.

You know what? We love how
much of a badass girlboss

you are on the field, but...

you know, we also really require
that you kick in with us, too.

Or you can give us a
40-hour advance notice

if you can't attend
something. Okay, sis?

Okay, I'll see you
at the Chai n' Chat.

I'm so excited.

I heard it's gonna be awesome.

Whitney, there's
someone here for you.

Oh. Hey.

Hey.

Can I hug you? I'd
love to hug you.

No, thanks.

Look...

I know you've been
ignoring my texts,

so I came here to say I'm sorry.

I really miss you.

I thought about you all summer.

Not a day went by
at Groomingdales

when I didn't see
you in the faces

of those little cats and dogs.

Is there a point to this?

I wanted to apologize in person.

And give you this.

It's a Caboodle.

You complimented mine last year,

so I thought you could use
it to organize your makeup,

since that really
stressed you out.

Look, if you wanted
to be friends,

you shouldn't have
made out with my ex

and then lied to
my face about it.

You did what?

Oh, this is kind of a
private conversation.

We're in a sorority.
There's no such thing.

Yeah. I would never
speak ill of women.

- No.
- But if you did that to your friend,

you're a cock-gobbling skank.

I'm not a cock-gobbler.

I can't believe you have
the audacity to come here

with your lame-ass jeggings
and weird recycled shoes

and make this weak-ass apology.

They're not weird.

They donate a pair
to a poor person

for every pair that you buy.

Oh, great, so now
a homeless lady

has a pair of ugly shoes, too.

Get out!

Bye. Bye. Bye.

You're no longer
welcome in our foyer.

- What even is a Caboodle?
- Poor Whitney.

I'll just leave the
Caboodle on the porch.

Hey, I need to talk to
you about something.

Okay, we've been over this.

All right, having sex
dreams about Kristen Stewart

is not cheating.

Honestly, it would be weird
if you didn't have them.

Uh, it's not about that.

What I wanted to tell
you is that, um...

I'm leaving Essex.

To work for Carrie Watanabe.

- The mayor of Boston?
- Yes, and she's amazing.

And I would be working
directly for her.

That's why I've been on
so many weird phone calls.

Found out this morning.

So you're gonna be
a college dropout?

Are you kidding?

It's not like I'm
leaving to sell meth.

This is the kind of job I would
kill to get after I graduate.

Yeah, so wait until you
graduate like everyone normal.

This is crazy.

This opportunity might not
be there after I graduate.

Why stick around and
take on more debt?

Not all of us pay for
college with cash.

Okay. All right.

Well, you don't have to
be such a bitch about it.

- I didn't mean it like that.
- No, no.

No, uh, I mean, you've
clearly made up your mind,

so I will just take my
privileged ass and I will leave.

Enjoy Boston.

You call it a major city?

They don't even have a subway
that runs overnight there.

Hello, first-years!

We are now introducing
your FAF leader,

Bela "The Boss Bitch" Malhotra!

Yes. Yes, guys.

Ah, yes!

Thanks for that wonderful
intro, announcer.

Just kidding.

That was me, yelling from
outside, in the hall.

Okay.

My name is Bela Malhotra,
and I will be your FAF.

I am here to help guide you

through your first year of
college, with sensitivity,

an envelope-pushing sense
of humor, and wisdom.

And no cap, I am wise as hell.

First question.

We love to see it. What's up?

Why are you wearing a tie?

Oh, um, it's sort of my style.

Subtly turning traditional
menswear on its head.

I'm told it's cool in
the queer community.

Well, I'm queer and I don't know

anyone that would
dress like that.

Ah, well,

that's so great
that you're queer.

But I'm pretty certain
this is fashionable.

I would know, I'm
from New Jersey.

Where are you from?

Mayfair. London.

Oh, damn.

- Is it true you have a 1.8 GPA?
- How do you know that?

You tweeted it. I looked
you up before the meeting.

You posted a screenshot
with the caption:

"1.8, more like
one point great."

Okay, first off, that post

- got a lot of likes.
- 13?

Yeah, that's a lot
for a non-verified.

Sorry I'm not Ryan
Reynolds or whatever.

But, more importantly,

my low GPA is exactly why
I'm excited to be your FAF.

I didn't have a great
first year at college,

but I can help you
avoid my mistakes.

Anybody else? Anyone?

No?

Yes, same girl.

Taylor.

May I say something
to the group?

Um, s-sure.

I'm sorry if this sounds

so Gen Z of me

or whatever, it's
just I can't help

but think that this Essex
tradition of "didactic

older person talking
about the good ol' days"

is a little bit antiquated.

Okay, the portion of the FAF
meeting where you question

the legitimacy of
the FAF is over.

Everybody, take out your phones.

It's time to delete ChatGPT.

First Hillary
Clinton and now me.

People love to attack
a woman in power.

I'm not so sure it's misogyny

so much as someone just
correctly pointing out

you might not be
a fit for the job,

just based on
everything about you.

You're right, it was
probably jealousy.

That's not what I said.

Are you sure you
even want to do it?

I mean, Frude didn't seem like

he liked it and now
he might be dying.

Yeah, maybe I did jump
at this too quickly.

I just got excited about the
idea of doing something good

- with all the mistakes I've made.
- I get that.

But you'll find another way

to help people, I'm sure of it.

- Yeah.
- True.

Maybe I could start a podcast.

Like a funny, cautionary one

about all the dumb moves
people make in college.

Episode one could
be about a girl

who sleeps with her
married soccer coach.

Why am I first? Use
your own damn mistakes.

Just tell Frude that you
don't want to be a FAF.

And we will convince you

out of doing your
podcast at a later date.

Ooh, declining a
call from Alicia.

Asserting your alpha
dom femme top energy?

Making sure she
knows you're mother?

Bela, stop using gay slang.

But I'm getting so good at it.

No, I'm ignoring Alicia

because she told me
she's dropping out.

- What?
- Are you serious?

Then why are you ignoring
her? Call her back.

Convince her to stay.

No way, Alicia is
stubborn as hell.

If I tell her not
to do something,

she's gonna want to do it more.

But if I ice her
out, she's gonna get

in her head and she'll realize

it's a crazy idea to leave.

Sometimes the most
persuasive argument

is saying nothing at all.

Does that work?

Wow, I guess it does.

All right, well,
I got to go, but

I will see you both at
the Y2K party tonight.

Do you have your hot
'90s looks picked out?

Hell yeah, I do.

I'll be serving a whale tail

with one of Leighton's
finest thongs.

You most certainly
will not. Whit,

you do know Kimberly's
coming later?

Like, probably with Canaan?

Yeah, I don't care.

I just hope the Kappas
don't cut her head off.

You were joking about me

not being able to
borrow a thong, right?

Couldn't have been more serious.

♪ Talk to me ♪

♪ D'you hear me
calling out to you ♪

♪ Talk to me... ♪

Excuse me, miss?

You're the prettiest girl I
have ever seen on this bus.

Banana chip?

Thank you, no.

Oh, okay.

Aw, these are so good.

It's how I get my potassium.

Your loss.

Where you headed?

The University of Vermont.

Wow, that is far.

You know, I get
off at West Bolton.

I work for a horse
breeder there.

Lot of manual labor.

A lot more than
people would think.

I got to pull a baby horse...

out of a horse.

Sorry, I've been told

I can be quite the chatterbox.

How often do you think you're
gonna be taking this bus?

Three times a week.

- That is a lot.
- Yeah, but I'm

really excited
for these classes.

And I don't have another option.

Well, don't you worry.

You and I, we're
gonna be road dogs.

I'll show you the ins and outs
of the east Vermont route.

Ooh, that rhymed.

But a little word to the
wise, don't paint your nails.

The bumpy roads can
make it a little messy.

Yeah, thank you.

I'm, um, I'm gonna take a nap.

Oh, you know what,
that is a good idea.

You got a long
ride ahead of you.

♪ Nous sommes, nous
sommes, nous sommes... ♪

Kimberly.

- Canaan.
- Hey.

I was wondering
when you'd get here.

Oh, I was sorting through
the damaged baked goods,

and I saved you the
least crushed scone.

I can't believe I'm saying
this, but I actually missed

- these dry-ass Sips scones.
- Me, too.

Oh, I got you this
shirt from New York.

"I pretzel New York"?

That's hilarious.

- Is it really that funny?
- I really think it is.

Okay.

Oh, it's so good to see you

in person.

- I agree.
- Hey!

No public displays of affection.

I'm kidding.

I already set up a
cot in the back room

if y'all want to smush.

Um, thanks, but we're good.

- You sure? - Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna go get
changed for work,

- and I'll be right back.
- Okay.

You know, I wasn't sure

if I could picture you
and Canaan as a couple.

But you guys look
so cute together.

Oh, I love an interracial
romance... in real life.

On TV, I want people to
stick to their own races.

I don't know why, but I do.

Mm. Well, thanks.

I really like Canaan.

I'm so happy to see him again.

I can't believe you guys
haven't had sex yet.

I mean, it's like
you're on a dating show

with the world's
most boring premise.

I think we're gonna have
some alone time tonight.

And I used one of
my mom's Groupons

- to get everything waxed down there.
- Nice.

My crotch is always cold
now. I don't recommend it.

Mm, have you spoken
to Whitney yet?

I tried. She's still so mad.

But she'll come around if
I give her time, I know it.

Well, you followed your
heart, and that's great.

And now you have Canaan, but
your friendship with Whitney?

- That's gone, girl.
- No, I disagree.

She and I were
such good friends.

You don't just throw that away.

Nuh-uh. That friendship is dead.

This is not my opinion.

This is like Ten
Commandments shit.

You stole her man.

You guys are done.

Moses said that.

Hey.

♪ We're leaving the planet ♪

♪ And you can't come ♪

♪ Uh-huh, I'm through ♪

♪ With all these hyper
mega bummer boys like you ♪

♪ Oh, yeah... ♪

- Okay. It's sophomore year.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

It's time for us to be able

to take shots without
making a face.

- Agreed. We can do this. Cheers.
- Cheers.

- On three. One, two...
- Okay.

- Oh, God.
- You didn't even drink it yet.

No, but the smell
got in my nose.

Oh, grow up.

It doesn't smell... oh, God.

Are you guys ready?

♪ A super graphic
ultra-modern girl like me ♪

♪ We're hot... ♪

Oh, my God, Leighton, you
look so beautiful I could cry.

Well, I wasn't
going for beautiful.

I was going for shockingly hot.

You're hot. You're hotter
than a news anchor.

Once Alicia sees me in
this, there's no way

- she'll be able to leave school.
- Wait, Alicia's leaving the school?

- Didn't we talk about this?
- We talked about it

- at Whitney's lunch, not Kimberly's lunch.
- Wait, you guys had

lunch with Whitney after
you had lunch with me?

God, this sucks. I
hate repeating stories.

You seem to really
enjoy retelling that one

about locking eyes with
Zendaya in an elevator.

Yeah, because that
was so memorable.

- I mean, we were both going to the lobby.
- Mm.

- Can we leave?
- Yeah.

♪ Graphic ultra-modern, ooh,
you got me la-la-la-ing... ♪

I brought chasers to pregame.

♪ Girl like me. ♪

Guys?

Ah!

Oh, hi, Whit, we're just
getting ready to head out.

Good Lord. Are you
gonna blend soon?

After the setting
powder bakes, silly.

Okay, well...

uh, before I go out, I
usually like to put on music

and dance and drink and
stuff. Anyone want to join me?

That literally sounds
so fun, but no.

This is gonna take us
another 45 minutes.

Oh, cool.

I guess I'll just go hang
out until you guys are ready.

You're not going
in that, are you?

Yeah, why, what's...

what's wrong with it?

Hey, Whit, didn't
you read the email?

We're all wearing
baby blue tonight.

It's super important
for the group photo.

We want people to see a sea
of uninterrupted baby blue.

And with that, there'd
be an interruption.

I'd hate to have to
invoice you on Venmo again.

I'd get a fine

for not wearing the
same color to a party?

Unfortunately, yeah, and plus
a retouching fee for the photo.

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.

I guess I'll go change.

♪ La, da, da, dee,
da, da, da, da ♪

♪ La, da, da, dee ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da ♪

♪ La, da, da, dee, da,
la, da, da, da, dee, da ♪

♪ La, da, dee, da,
da, da, da, da... ♪

This is amazing.

Oh, my God, I love this.

Yeah, the late '90s were lit.

Do you think the DJ has
the theme song to Frasier?

Drinks. Now.

Yeah, I'll lead the way

because I'm wearing Heelys.

- Bela, no!
- No!

Oh, shit. Oh, fuck.

Will one of you kindly
push me towards the bar?

- Yeah.
- Yes.

♪ Hey... ♪

- What's up?
- Hey.

You guys look incredible.
Especially you.

♪ We flyin' over the world,
surveyin' the globe... ♪

♪ Man, you already know ♪

♪ Hey... ♪

- Well, this sucks.
- Yeah. It's official,

I do not like beef
between women.

Unless those women are rich
New York or Atlanta housewives.

- I'm gonna go check on Whit?
- Yeah.

Be back.

- You okay?
- Yeah. I'm good.

- Let's get you a drink.
- Yeah.

♪ After love, after love ♪

♪ After love, after love... ♪

Man, I am so glad

I'm not hanging around
with those girls anymore.

They are tragically basic.

I mean, yeah, maybe, but
some of them have depth, too.

Whitney, get over here.

I need you in front of me in
this pic to hide my weird knee.

Duty calls.

Alicia's here.

What?

- Oh, should I stay?
- What? Obviously no.

Wait, um, how do I look?

Mm, you look great.
Step to your left

and you'll be backlit
as she approaches.

God, I've taught you
so much. Thank you.

♪ You're gonna be
the lonely one, oh ♪

♪ Do you believe in
life after love? ♪

- Hey.
- "Hey"?

That's what I get?
We need to talk.

I called you three times.
I even FaceTimed you,

and you know how dumb
I think FaceTime is.

I am about to make one
of the biggest decisions

of my life, and I-I wanted
to talk it through with you,

but you weren't there.

I'm sorry, I just...

- I don't want you to leave.
- Leigh, I have to.

And even though it
really scares me,

I'm, like, excited about it.

And I just wish that you
were excited for me, too.

How am I supposed to be
excited when you're leaving?

Because it's what's best for me.

Look, I didn't come
to college to learn

which beer gives me heartburn

and then be in debt for years.

I came here to figure
out what I want

to do with my life, and I did.

Isn't that a good thing?

But then what...

what happens to us? Like...

do we just break up?

No, I don't want that, but I
would understand if you did.

I love you, Leighton...

and I'm moving to Boston.

But the only way that
this relationship

is going to end

is if you end it.

I won't be doing that.

Really?

How about we just take
it one day at a time?

Okay. I mean, that
sounds perfect.

And I love you, too.

Aw.

Oh, my God, didn't
I tell you to leave?

I didn't.

♪ Ooh, happy creature... ♪

Want to go find a
place to hang out?

Yeah, let's go hang out.

Cool.

I'm excited we finally
get to do this.

Yeah, me, too.

So, how's your mom?

My mom? Why would you
bring up my mom right now?

- I don't know, that was weird, forget I said that.
- Yeah.

Oh, tomorrow at Sips,
we have to replace

the toilet wands
in the bathroom.

Okay, what's happening?

I don't know. Does
this feel weird?

Yeah. Yeah, a little
bit. I'm trying

not to get in my head about it.

Right, it's just, I
know you as Canaan,

my work friend who I
really like and admire.

Like, I think you're amazing,

and your body is clearly
a body that anyone

would want to have sex with...

but, I don't know,
something just feels off.

Yeah, I don't know, I
feel a little awkward.

When I touched
your boob just now,

I really wanted to go
like, "Honk, honk,"

and I'm not that guy, I-I
don't make sound effects.

Yeah, and most importantly,

I just, I can't do
this to Whitney.

I miss her.

I really, really miss her.

When I think about college,
the first thing I think about

is her being my friend.

I respect that.

I actually think sound
effects are pretty cool.

Yes, I know this about you.

Like, when you took
your shirt off,

I really wanted to
go, "Awooga, awooga."

I bet you did.

♪ Don't leave me now ♪

♪ Baby, I know I
messed it up... ♪

- We have to talk.
- Do we?

- Whitney, please.
- Uh-uh. No, no, no, no.

- Get out of here. Out.
- I'm trying to talk

to my friend, you can't
shoo me away like a cat.

Let me handle this.

Slut says "what"?

- I'm not gonna say "what."
- Ah, you just did.

- That doesn't count. - Oh, so you're a stupid slut?
- Okay, that's enough.

You are not slut-shaming
my friend, you mean bitch.

Okay, okay, let's
just calm down.

And you two, you are
going in this closet

and you are not coming
out until you make up.

- Get in.
- No, I'm not going in

- a frat basement closet.
- Get in.

- Get in.
- Is that a bull saddle?

- Hey.
- Start talking. It's locked.

What?

Don't try to hold my hand.

I'm not. I think
that's a mannequin.

The fuck?

Whitney, I'm so sorry.

- And I ended things with Canaan.
- It's not about Canaan.

It's about how you were
one of my closest friends,

and not only did you
swoop in on a guy

who you knew broke my heart

but then you lied
to my face about it.

That really hurt me.
I didn't deserve that.

You're right. I messed up.

I wasn't thinking
about your feelings,

and that was wrong, but
if you could forgive me,

I'll never hurt you
like that again.

Whitney, you mean so much to
me, and I really miss you.

I miss you, too.

And if it matters,
we never hooked up.

I only touched him
below the waist once,

and that was accidentally,
when I was dusting

the pastry case at
work and I grazed it.

- Not a detail I needed.
- I just wanted to be as up-front

with you as possible.

Can we please be good now?

Yeah, we can be good.

Also, I really want to
move back in with you guys.

The Kappas are a lot and, like,
weirdly putting me into debt?

I would love that. And we
don't have a bed for you

or any space for one,
but we can figure it out.

- Okay.
- Okay.

♪ All the world is gonna be... ♪

- Aw.
- So good.

Before we leave,

did you get it all out?

Anything you need to say,

you say it now so
we can all move on.

- I think we did.
- Just let us out of this closet

'cause it's filled with
too much weird stuff.

Good. Good.

Aw.

Bela, that was
really impressive.

Maybe you'll be a
good FAF after all.

Okay, everybody,

it's almost Y2K!

In ten, nine...

Eight, seven,

six, five,

four, three,

two, one!

Wait, what? What happened?

Did it really Y2K?

- Drinks?
- Yes! Now!

- Leighton.
- These bus trips

to the University of Vermont
are not going to work for me.

I can't do it for the next week,
let alone the next three years

of my life.

Hmm. Sorry to hear that.

That's it? Dude, this is

supposed to be one of the
best schools in the country.

I get it. Uh, Essex
is a great school,

but it's not where
you go for math.

If that's what
you're looking for,

I could reach out

to a colleague at MIT

about their transfer cutoff.

Like, like, "MIT" MIT?

Isn't... isn't that in Boston?

♪ It's been so long ♪

♪ So long, so long ♪

♪ Everything is over ♪

♪ It's been so long ♪

♪ So long, so long ♪

♪ Don't stop dancing, move on ♪

♪ It's been so long ♪

♪ So long, so long ♪

♪ Everything is over ♪

♪ It's been so long ♪

♪ So long ♪

♪ Don't stop dancing, move on ♪

♪ It's been so long ♪

♪ So long, so long ♪

♪ Don't stop dancing,
don't stop dancing ♪

♪ It's been so long ♪

♪ So long, so long ♪

♪ Don't stop dancing, move on ♪

♪ It's been so long ♪

♪ So long, so long. ♪

Go to bed.