Original subtitles

- I want to fuck you so bad.

- Me too. You make me so hard.

- 'Scuse me! 'Scuse me.

Can you stop?

We're dropping our daughter off at school.

I can see your erection. - Mom!

- ♪ Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex ♪

♪ Sex sex sex sex sex ♪

- Essex College?

Did you have to pick a school

that was 3,000 miles away from me?

- It's almost like I did that on purpose.

- I mean, Vermont? Why's it even a state?

Bunch of potheads making maple syrup.

- I--I don't know, I'm just happy that you made the time

[phone buzzing] to drop me off at school.

- Oh, okay, go on, honey.

- It's just nice to spend time with you.

[phone buzzing] - Goddamm it.

Look, Jackie, I am dropping my daughter off at college today.

That is the only thing that matters.

Oh, CNN? Okay, yes, put them through.

[whispers] Sorry. [laughs]

Jake Tapper. How you doin', sweetheart?

What am I commenting on today?

- [sighs]

- Look, Beta, I brought a surprise for you

to remind you of home. It's Mr. Busby!

- Mom, are you serious? - What?

You love Mr. Busby.

- Mom, I'm not bringing my teddy bear to college with me.

I'm 18 years old, I'm in the middle of my reinvention.

- Not with the reinvention again.

- Dad, remember when Ben Affleck

got that giant back tattoo of a phoenix rising up

from the ashes?

- Is he in "Manchester by the Sea"?

- Oh, very sad film. - That's the other Affleck.

Look, that phoenix made total sense to me.

Ben needed a change.

He needed to transform his life

with a permanent physical metamorphosis.

And so did I.

Four months ago, I was an Indian loser with cystic acne,

sweaty armpits, and glasses.

But with Lasik procedure, an Accutane prescription,

and medical-grade Botox injected into my armpits,

I'm normal.

- So should I throw Mr. Busby away?

- No, Mom, don't be stupid.

Just take him home and put him on a shelf in my bedroom.

- Hey, there, kiddo. - Hey, Dad.

- Before we go inside, I just want to say...

[crying] - Um, Dad.

Don't cry, please.

- You're the first Finkle to go to college.

- Dad, I need you not to cry right now.

- And I'm so proud of you. You're such a special girl.

- Honey, honey-- - I haven't told you enough.

- Why don't you go inside

and just get yourself together.

Go sit in the car.

[rap music]

♪ ♪

Honey, you got to promise me you're gonna be careful

because you're gonna meet all kinds of, um, new people.

- Are you saying that because they're Middle Eastern?

That's so offensive.

I came here because it's diverse.

We're from the whitest town in the world.

Dad won't even eat tacos. - Someone say tacos?

I can't handle that today, my stomach is already a mess.

- No, honey, no ethnic food. I promise.

No, I meant rich people. They can be a bad influence.

Do you remember that Caleb Vicars boy?

He was two grades above you, he got into Penn,

met some rich friends, he got addicted to cocaine,

and got arrested...

[softly] For selling his body.

- Mom! - I don't want that future

for you. - Yeah, Mom, I don't want to

become a prostitute either.

[pop music]

- [sighs] Something about New England, isn't there?

Maybe it's the trees, or the rivers, the air--

I just feel so alive here.

- Dad, you're obsessed with New England.

I mean, it's like you want to have sex with New England.

- Ha. That's not possible.

- God, Esme and Francesca haven't texted me back yet.

They probably have a ton of new inside jokes by now.

- You know, honey, are you sure it's the best idea

to be roommates in college with your friends from high school?

Shouldn't you branch out?

- Dad, Esme and Francesca are my soulmates.

Okay, they are literally the best people I have ever known.

- Okay, but what about that time

that Francesca totally abandoned you in Cape Cod?

- She was having a really tough time, okay?

Her dad just got audited.

- Honey, I think what I'm trying to say is

I don't think Esme and Francesca

are the best influences on you, you know?

They're kinda...assholes?

- Dad, can you please not call my friends assholes?

All right? And it doesn't even make a difference, okay?

We're already living together.

- Well, if that's what makes you happy.

I mean, I guess what's really important is that

my baby girl is going to my alma mater!

I'm telling you, after the next four years,

you're probably gonna want to have sex with New England too.

♪ ♪

- Dale, I hope you're using your legs to push that.

- I can't tell what I'm using, Carol.

- ♪ For you ♪

♪ Can't wait to push your button ♪

♪ ♪

- Earth to Kimberly.

Your father's sciatica's gonna act up at any minute now, here.

Help him out. - I got it, Carol.

- You know what? I'll do it, I'll do it.

- Mom, could you change your jeans

before anyone gets here?

- Hey! - Hey, you must be Kimberly!

Oh, my Gosh! I'm so excited!

We're your roommates.

I'm Bela, that's Whitney, that's Leighton.

Just kidding, they're my Indian parents.

- Oh! - It's nice to meet you.

- Oh it's nice to meet you too. These are my parents.

Carol and Dale.

- Hello. - Great to meet you.

- We're Irish.

- Yeah, there's an Indian restaurant in our town.

Never been.

- I love your Seth Meyers poster.

You can really see his face. - Thanks.

Yeah, he's sort of my dream guy.

Double-threat writer and performer on "SNL,"

just like I want to be.

It's like, I want to have sex with him.

But I also want to be him.

Hey, did you Google the other girls?

I obviously did.

Can you believe we're living with Whitney Chase?

- I know, it is so cool that we're living

with a senator's daughter.

I bought a copy of the Constitution

for her mom to sign.

- Wouldn't it be nuts if, like, two years from now,

we were all still rooming together,

but she was like president or something?

- Oh, she's popular, sure, I just don't think

she's respected enough to be president.

- Interesting. Ha ha.

I'd like to give a quick rebuttal to that.

Senator Evette Chase from the great state of Washington.

It is so lovely to meet all of you.

- Hey, I'm Whitney. - Oh, of course.

There you are, my daughter.

- Oh, it's very exciting to meet you, Your Honor.

- You don't have to bow.

- Can I take a photo with you to put on the wall

of one of my restaurants? - Maybe later.

Earl, can you close the door?

I have a few things I want to say in private.

- North Con Hall-- buncha great memories here.

One time, I drank so many White Russians,

I threw up out of that window right there.

- Ew, Dad. - You're gonna love it here.

- Yeah.

I already do.

- It goes without saying, I am a very public figure.

- Oh, we get it, we know all about your divorce.

Your ex sounded like a real deadbeat.

- Thank you, he was. - That's my dad.

- Here's what I don't need.

I don't need to get woken up in the middle of the night

by some frantic phone call telling me Whitney

is getting high on opioids with the roommates

and streaking across the quad with their junk hanging out.

- Mom! - Our Kimmy has never

touched drugs or alcohol.

She doesn't go out much.

- I believe it.

- And you don't have to worry about me, Senator Chase.

I'm a committed student eager to study the sciences.

- Okay, that felt forced. Look, I care about you girls.

Just don't embarrass me, because then you're dead to me.

Oh, and if you could not tweet for the next four years,

that'd be great.

- Oh, my gosh, you must be Leighton!

We're so happy to meet you.

- I'm sorry, who the fuck are you?

- Leighton! - What?

- Where are Francesca and Esme? - Who are they?

- Uh, my best friends and my roommates?

- Dude, I think we're your roommates.

- No. [laughs] No, no, no, no.

- Very nice to meet you all.

Have a great time in college.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, Leight! - Hi!

- What the fuck is going on?

- This is our roommate, Siddhartha.

- We just showed up,

and they assigned us with that random girl.

- Trust me, we were just as upset as you are.

- Okay, but how did this happen?

- I mean, we filled out the rooming questionnaire

the exact same way. - I know!

- Is it possible that maybe you messed up your answers?

I mean, writing wasn't your strong suit at Spence.

- Excuse me! She's a great writer, okay?

She wrote her Nana's eulogy-- not a dry eye in the house.

- Dad! [mouthing]

- See? Assholes. Not you.

- Look, I don't know how this got so fucked up,

but I am gonna fix this somehow, all right?

- Please!

[upbeat music]

- Love you, baby. - Be good, Beta.

- Don't follow me on social.

- I love you. - I love you too.

- All right, girls, take care of each other.

And remember, no single-use plastics.

- Hey, are you good?

Your dad was shaking pretty hard when he said goodbye.

- Oh, he's fine.

I'm sure he's finished crying by now anyway.

- Love you, peanut! - [sobs]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Welcome. Take a comfy seat.

- Does this mean you are our roommate?

- Oh, no, no.

But there's been a clerical error

that I need to address tomorrow,

so I'll need to stay for one night.

- Well, we already picked rooms,

so you're with Bela.

- Even though it's one night, we should probably sidebar

about a system in case either of us brings a dude home.

- Okay, everyone, my name is Frude Rasmunssen,

and I will be your Freshman Advisor and Friend,

aka, your FAF. Welcome to Essex!

We'll start with some icebreakers.

Let's go around and share a time when we felt scared.

I'll start.

Avalanche during a family reunion.

I lost several relatives and was, myself, entombed

for many days.

Next?

- I'm scared of my stalker.

I'm kind of a big deal on TikTok.

Malia Obama follows me.

- Holy shit, she has 200,000 followers.

- Oh, my God, you do song parodies?

- Ooh! - Whoa!

- ♪ Don't go chasing extra smalls ♪

That was for a body positivity campaign for Kind Bars,

which are delicious. - So cool!

- Who else?

- Um, I am a little nervous about my work-study interview

tomorrow. - Wait, you have a job?

- Well, I applied for one.

- Yes, great, Kimberly.

And don't worry, many students at Essex have student jobs.

Who else has one?

Anyone?

I guess perhaps it is just you here.

- Cool.

- Look, Frude, I'm sure you're good at this,

but sharing our fears isn't-- - I'm scared because I'm gay.

I was in the closet all through high school,

and I don't want to do that again,

so I promised myself I would tell everyone

the minute I got here. Guys, I'm gay.

- Oh. - Okay.

- Oh, I'm gay too. I've been out since I was 12.

It wasn't easy in Oklahoma, but I had to be me.

all: Aw! - He's so handsome.

- This is great.

We are learning so much about our new gay friends!

[gentle acoustic guitar]

- So, why did you all pick Essex?

- Oh, I'm here for the "Catullan."

The college comedy magazine.

It's a big deal in the comedy world.

A ton of writers on "SNL" got their start on the "Catullan."

- Cool! I came 'cause it's prestigious.

I'm gonna graduate summa, and then I'm gonna go

to a tier one law school,

and then Max and I are gonna move to DC

where we're gonna become a power couple

like Kamala and Doug.

Are any of you in relationships?

- Oh, [scoffs] no, thank you.

I didn't come to college to be tethered to some dude

I dated in high school.

Also, I never really dated anyone in high school,

but I'm here, I'm super sex-positive--

in theory more than in experience.

And I am ready to smash some Ds.

[pop]

- Max and I are waiting. Not for any weird reason.

He's just not ready. - He's not ready?

- Oh, God. - What? What's wrong with that?

- Oh, boys are born ready, so something's up.

- Yeah, is he, like, waiting but also, like,

really up to date on "Drag Race"?

- Oh, no, it's nothing like that.

It's gonna be worth the wait.

People tell him he looks like Shawn Mendes.

- Ooh!

- Hey, have you all seen that video

of Shawn Mendes taking a shower?

- It is very good.

[upbeat music]

[whistle blows]

♪ ♪

- Step, step, step! - Get it, get it!

[indistinct yelling]

- ♪ The love in my got got got got got ♪

♪ The love in my got got got got got ♪

♪ The love in my ♪

♪ ♪

- She's good.

All right, ladies, hustle!

Now's when you should be impressing me!

♪ ♪

- I see you smiling, feeling all proud of yourself.

- Me? No, I wasn't.

- You should smile. You're fast, rookie.

Just don't get too cocky.

- Oh, I really like your sticker.

- Oh, thanks.

I don't know what it means, but I saw it at a gas station

and was like, "That would be cool in my locker."

- Oh, well, I think it's meant for people who identify as--

- I'm just playing. I'm super gay.

Like, I'm the LeBron James of being attracted to women.

I'm Willow. - Whitney.

- If I had a silver spoon like that, I'd run really fast too.

She thinks she's hot shit.

The only reason she gets playing time as a freshman

is because of who her mom is. - Oh, my God, Jena,

you're so bad. - I know that I'm a better

forward than she is...

- You good? - Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

- Cool.

[knocking on door]

- Coach? - Yeah.

- Hey, can I talk to you about something?

- Course. What's up?

- It's kind of serious.

I just-- I'm finding it really difficult

to concentrate during practice

because I want to fuck you so bad.

- Whit, what the hell? - I'm so sorry, I had to.

- There are people still here.

- Everyone's gone except like one janitor.

- Hold on, is it Joe or Alejandro?

'Cause Alejandro notices everything.

- Chill, no one saw. And no one will see this.

We still on for tonight? - Yeah.

Now get out of here. - Okay.

- Oh, my God, really? - Yep.

- I got the job? - Yep.

- Oh, cool!

- So, all employees of Essex Sips need

to submit their timesheets online

through the, uh, financial aid work-study portal.

- Okay. - Portal, guh.

What are we on, "Star Trek"?

- [forced laugh] - It's funny, right?

You like funny things? - Um, yeah.

- [gasps] I know, we both can say what we think is funny

on the count of three. - Oh, uh, no--

- Yeah! We'll do it together. One, two, three.

- Uh, memes. - Avenue Q.

Oh, memes, that's good too. - Yeah.

- Wow, I think we're gonna get along.

You have a good personality. - Oh, thank you.

- Can I tell you something, between us?

I have some issues with the other work-study kids

that I manage. [sighs]

They just have got a lot of attitude.

- Oh, well, I really need this job to pay for school,

so the only kind of attitude I have is "can do."

- [laughs] That's great, very clever.

Okay, everybody, huddle up.

Before we open, I'd like you to meet our new trainee.

This is Kimberly, and she loves memes.

[laughs]

- In addition to other hobbies and interests, you know?

Which I can't think of right now, but I have them.

- Canaan. - Lila.

- Cool. I'm really excited to be working

at Sips with you guys.

I--I'm sure we'll have a "latte" fun.

- [laughs]

I just want to say, you are a wonderful little lady.

- Okay. - Oh, is that the menu?

- It is.

- You know what could be so cute is if we did

little chalk drawings that changed every day.

Like, today, we could do leaves.

Because it's September.

- [gasps] I love it, yes.

Lila, you're always doodling.

I want you to come in a few minutes early

and decorate the board.

- Why me? She suggested it.

- Well, you're artsy, you know, so just have fun with it

and draw some goddamn leaves.

[upbeat music]

- So what did you say your last name was again?

- Murray, as in Murray library. The library next door.

- I slipped and fell there last winter.

Broke my tailbone. - I'm very sorry to hear that.

But can we please focus on my problem?

It's extremely distressing to be separated

from one's best friends.

- Okay, looks like you submitted

a personal habits survey

with Esme Schaffer and Francesca Bromley

and got a 99% match-up with both of them.

- Exactly, but then there was some glitch in the system,

or something, and they got assigned with some random girl

with weird clothes, bless her heart.

- Well, in addition to the survey, they also wrote

specific directions in who they wanted in a roommate.

- [nervous chuckle] Specific how, let me see.

- "Do not room us with Leighton Murray"?

Why? Why the hell would they write that?

- I know. You seem like such a joy.

- Welcome to the "Catullan" Perspective Writer's meeting.

We're the co-editors. I'm Ryan, this is Eric.

We want to start by saying thank you.

It's really great to see such a big turnout.

That being said, know this going in.

"The Catullan" is the most selective extra-curricular

on campus. - What about a cappella?

- Hey, fuck a cappella!

- Look, sure, what Eric's saying is technically correct.

But I think we're getting ahead of things here.

Writing for a comedy magazine is fun,

and we look forward to reading your writing samples.

- 3 pieces, 600 words, no puns, I'm serious.

- But rather than me telling you why you should submit,

let's see what some of our recent alums have to say.

- I'm Oliver Roni, I wrote for "The Catullan" last year,

and now I'm a writer's assistant

on a new animated show about a suburban white family.

- Holy shit!

- $20. - $20 if I make this?

- Straight to you, cash now.

- Okay, ready? - Go ahead.

- Did you see that? - Oh, okay.

I'll give it to you, I'll give it to you.

- Hey, Canaan. - Hey.

- Do you like Jay-Z? - Yeah, I--I guess.

- Yeah, I mean, I think his music is so dope.

And some would say he's more than a musician.

He's like a prophet too. - Okay.

- Look, I just have to say,

I come from a small town in Arizona,

and it's really exciting for me to have a Black friend.

- Oh. - Or, is it African American?

I don't know, 'cause there are two schools of thought on that.

What--what do you think? - Black is--is fine.

- Okay. - Yes.

- So, Black. Cool.

And what--what's it like being Black at Essex?

- Um, you know...

it's hard. Yeah.

You know, not a lot of people here get me.

And how could they?

I mean, we've led such different lives.

You know, I've never touched cashmere before.

I don't really tell a lot of people this, but...

my mom is addicted to crack.

You know, that's my story.

And now I have to work three on-campus jobs

just so I can send money back to her and my baby sister.

And I just have to hope she doesn't spend it on crack.

- Oh, my God, that is just so much

for you to be dealing with. - Yeah, yeah, but...

you know what?

It is nothing compared to what Lila has been through.

I mean, that poor girl has it so much worse than me.

- What's Lila's story?

[chalk drops] - Goddamn it.

- What the actual fuck, okay?

Do you guys have any idea how humiliating it is

to be friend-dumped in front of a clerical worker?

- Believe me, Leight, we didn't want it to be this way.

- Well, we did want it to be this way,

but it hurts to see you so upset.

- I don't understand. I thought we were friends.

Uh, what's with this fucking pause?

Were we not friends?

- I mean, we hung out, obviously,

but the truth is, we never really felt like we knew you.

- Yeah, you were always so secretive or something.

It was like being friends with a stranger.

- What are you guys talking about?

I literally tell you everything.

- I don't think that's true.

- It's like there's this wall with you.

- No, there's...

God, okay, whatever! Whatever, I don't care.

I'm--I'm sorry that I'm not like an over-sharer

like every other girl in our fucking generation.

- I just think that you could open up more.

- Okay, okay, is this open enough for you?

Fuck you both, you really hurt my feelings,

and I hope an air conditioner falls on you.

[low energy music]

♪ ♪

[knock knock]

- Hey, you haven't been out in a bit,

so I brought you some food from work.

- What is it? - A burrito.

- Ugh, no, I don't want beef. Just throw it in the trash.

- Look, I know you wanted

to room with your friends from home.

- They're not my friends, they're mouth breathing cunts.

- Right, okay.

Well, I think if you give us a chance,

you'll really like living with us.

We're playing Uno in the other room right now--

- Okay, Kimberly, Kimberly, I'm from New York City, okay?

And I know from your world, that probably sounds

like a really fun evening.

But, for me, that's worse than getting a Pap smear.

So can you shut the door when you leave?

You guys can borrow any of my clothes you like--

bras, underwear, nothing's off limits.

I'd like to borrow yours too, if that's cool.

- Uh, I'll think about it. - Yeah.

- Sure. No pressure--I'll follow up about it tomorrow.

- Hey, is this Leighton Murray's room?

[mellow pop music intensifies]

♪ ♪

- Hello? - Yes, uh, she lives here.

Damn, she's a lucky lady. You guys make a sexy couple.

- Ha ha. She's my sister, actually.

- Yikes. - Your Leighton's brother?

Then you're practically family!

Come to Mama. - Oh.

- Wow. It's like hugging a statue.

- [chuckles] - Hi, uh, I'm Whitney.

Sorry about her. - Oh, Whitney Chase.

Your mom's a senator, right?

That's really dope.

- I'm Kimberly. My parents aren't famous.

My dad's a manager at Walgreen's.

- Cool. Nice to meet you, Kimberly.

- Nico, what are you doing here?

- Ha. Whoa, Leighton, you look like shit.

Leight, this isn't that bad.

I mean, for what it's worth,

I thought all your friends in high school really sucked.

- Thanks, you always know how to cheer me up.

- Look, this could be a blessing in disguise.

I mean, I don't talk to anyone

from high school anymore.

- Yeah, 'cause you don't need to.

Okay, everyone wants to be friends with you.

I'm just some judgmental dickhead with hormonal acne.

- Hey, hey, stop. I think your face looks fine.

- That is because I use a great concealer.

- Look, Leight, you are the strongest person I know.

Okay, I'm your older brother, and I'm even scared of you.

But you--you're going to crush Essex.

- You really think so? - I do.

You're a good person

underneath all your bad qualities.

- Hmm, thank you.

- Hey, so, Cory keeps asking about you.

He's excited you're finally on campus.

- Oh, cool. - So what should I tell him?

- You should tell him that I don't want

to discuss my dating life with my older brother.

- Ah, okay, fair enough. - Mm-hmm.

- All right. I'm gonna go.

But I think you can handle being civil to those girls

for the next eight months. They seem perfectly nice to me.

- That's 'cause they want to have sex with you.

- I know they do. - Hey.

You're disgusting.

I just...

I've been such a bitch to them, you know? Like...

- Well, do something nice then.

Show them you're gonna be a good roommate.

I'll see you around.

[clattering]

- Were you just changing in the closet?

- What? No.

I mean, I went from one outfit to another.

So, I mean, I guess you could call that changing.

- Are you, like, religious, or something?

- No.

I've just never lived with anyone before,

so I don't really know what to do.

- Hey, so I saw you checking out Leighton's brother tonight.

- Oh, definitely not. No, I have Max.

My boyfriend from home who I'm, like, in love with.

So if you're saying that because you like Nico,

you should definitely go for it.

- Nah, that's all right.

I like men, not boys.

[cheerful music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, Lila. - Hey.

- I just want to say I'm so inspired by you.

This morning when my alarm clock went off,

I thought to myself, kill me!

But then I was like, shut up, Kimberly.

If Lila can go through what she's going through

and come to work, you can get out of bed.

- What exactly am I going through?

- I mean, you know, it can't be easy with a baby.

And the baby's dad being incarcerated.

'Cause prison isn't just for the prisoner.

In a way, it's prison for the whole family.

- The fuck are you talking about?

I don't have a kid or a baby daddy,

and definitely not one that's in jail.

- Oh, but Canaan said-- [laughter]

Yeah, well, he was messing with you.

And he knew you'd believe it too

because you're some hick from Shit Town, Arizoni.

- Wow, Canaan, you're such an asshole.

- Okay, to be fair, it was pretty funny.

- So it was all bullshit?

I bet your mom's not even addicted to crack.

- No, she's a paralegal in Maryland.

Are you mad that my mom's not a crackhead?

- Yeah-- I mean, no, I--

I mean, I'm just trying to meet people

at a school where I don't know anyone.

You don't have to be a jerk.

- Okay, relax, relax.

He doesn't mean it.

He's going through a lot at home.

His brother just ruined a promising football career

by joining a gang. - Oh, well, I didn't know--

- His name is Rashad,

but now he makes us call him Thug Blood.

- Oh, my God, come on. Shut up.

What is wrong with you two?

both: [laugh]

[rap music]

- Willow!

- ♪ And I twist twist twist ♪

[whistle blows]

- Right here, right here!

♪ ♪

[whistle blows] - What the fuck?

- Let's go!

- ♪ Rockin' to that beat and breakin' on the knees ♪

♪ Trippin' in the...♪

- All right, this is yours, Whitney, this is yours.

- Ah! - Oh.

- Aah! What the fuck is your problem?

- Don't touch me, you entitled bitch.

- Hey, enough, enough, enough, enough!

All right, you're done for the day, go.

- Just me? Are you serious? She shoved me first.

Everyone saw it. - Let's go.

- All right, back to practice everyone.

Come on, what are you looking at?

- What was that? - A Kit Kat?

- Fuck your Kit Kat. I'm talking about Jena.

She already hates me.

The last thing I need is looking like

I'm getting special treatment.

Let me fight my own battles, I can handle myself.

- Yeah, if by handle yourself, you mean get your ass kicked.

Jena was throwing you around the field like a ragdoll.

What was I gonna do? Let her rip your head off?

- Look, this is my problem, not yours.

Really, you're only making things worse.

- Whitney.

- Hey! Hey!

Eric, right? I'm Bela Malhotra.

I'm a freshman.

I was at "The Catullan" Orientation the other day.

- Sorry, there's literally hundreds of people there.

I'm still reeling from the emails.

- So, I--I know you said that we should drop off

our submission packets,

but I was wondering if I could film mine

so you could hear it in my voice?

- Uh--

- Or I could read it to you right now.

- Oh, no, I really wouldn't like that.

Look, it's great that you're excited,

but don't be too bummed if you don't make the staff this year.

- What? Why would you say that?

- It's just, with all the freshman

and all the upperclassmen that are reapplying,

uh, I don't know if there are gonna be

that many female spots. - Female spot--?

You haven't even read all the submissions yet.

- It's just a really competitive year, you know.

A bunch of siblings of staff members are submitting,

and we already have two women on staff, so...

- Of, like, 15 people. - Look, I hate it too.

I would give anything

for Elizabeth Warren to be president,

but...keep your chin up.

You know, if you love comedy,

there's like five other improv troupes on campus.

Oh, and that one group, the Pot Stickers, is all Asian.

So...

- So, these are for you all.

Come on, open them.

- Oh, my God, an iPad? - An iPad?

Holy Shit.

- So it looks like I will be staying,

and this was my little way of

apologizing for being such a bitch.

I should have never called you tacky,

Podunk, new-money jock.

- You never said that. - I didn't? Oh.

Anyway, I really feel like we could have

a positive living experience together.

So what do you think?

- Yeah. - Okay.

- Okay. [knocking at door]

- Hi, I um...

- Oh, sorry. We don't want to sign

your environment petition, or whatever.

- Oh, um-- - Max!

- Hey!

- Oh, my God, this is Max, my boyfriend.

- The one that looks like Shawn Mendes?

- Shawn Mendes, people tell me I look like that all the time.

- What-- what are you doing here?

- Well, I wanted to surprise you,

so I took the train up from Princeton,

and thought I could stay with you through the weekend?

- Of course, yes! I'm so happy to see you.

- You got some like, food?

I'm starving, and I left my credit card at Princeton.

[upbeat music]

- Hey, does anyone have plans tonight?

- I might.

- Do any of you know what

a Drop It Like F. Scott party is?

- F. Scott Fitzgerald. - Huh?

- You basically have to look like a '20s slut.

- Oh, sweet. "The Catullan" is throwing one

for all the people submitting,

but I don't know if I should go.

I ran into the editor this morning,

and he basically told me there's no reason to submit

because there won't be any female spots this year.

- Oh, they have a quota for gender?

That's insane.

And you should definitely report him

to University Affairs. Or, quite frankly, the ACLU.

- [scoffs] - What?

- I'm sorry, but that's the dumbest shit I've ever heard.

Well, you want them to pick you, right?

- Yeah.

- Okay, well, make them like you.

Okay, like, don't be some histrionic feminist,

just show them you're chill and you're fun to have around.

- I think Leighton's right.

- Girls!

Desserts are out.

[upbeat music]

- ♪ I can see through you I see ♪

♪ You can see through, I see you ♪

♪ Seeing through you, I see see ♪

- ♪ I wanna feel like this all the time ♪

♪ Beat you with a little better line ♪

♪ Yeah, oh got you messin' with me...♪

- Ryan!

Hey, Ryan, I just want to say, I love your work.

- You love my work? Let me guess.

Freshman. - Yeah.

- All right, take it easy.

- Uh, uh, uh, uh? R--Ryan?

I--I just want to say...

as a woman of color, and, uh, as a woman in comedy--

- Hey, let me stop you right there.

I'm super high right now, so whatever this is,

it's being wasted on me.

- Hey, I--I just want to be part of "The Catullan."

- That's awesome. But it's not up to me.

We all vote.

So if I were you, I'd try to get those guys on your side.

[dance music]

♪ ♪

- You did what? - I gave six hand jobs!

Not at the same time, or anything,

I'm not like a porn star.

I talked to each of them, told them I was a writer,

that I loved their work, and if they voted for me,

I could be into doing some hand stuff.

I told them I'm a girl who's chill,

just like you told me to.

- I--I definitely didn't tell you to jerk a bunch of dicks.

- Okay, first off, why the shade?

I got two things out of this. This is a win-win for me.

I helped my chances of getting on "The Catullan,"

and I got to give a bunch of hand jobs.

- No one likes giving hand jobs!

- Maybe I do. Maybe I love it.

I've had, like, zero sexual experiences

for most of my sad-ass life,

so if suddenly I'm hot enough to have a bunch of dicks

thrown my way, sorry, but, I'ma crank them.

- Ugh. - What's going on?

- Bela traded sex for an opportunity.

- Just like men have been doing for centuries,

I flipped the script. - I'm not sure you did.

- I'm sex positive, y'all! Deal with it.

- As a feminist, I think female sex positivity is great.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- You're so beautiful. - Thank you.

- I like your skin tone. - Uh, my skin tone?

- What? What did I say?

- You sound like you have a Black girl fetish.

- No! - You said no really fast.

- I mean, I do tend to find Black women more attractive

than other kinds of women, but that's okay, right?

- Yeah, that's okay,

until you're like, "Ooh, I love your chocolatey skin."

- I did not say chocolatey. I know not to say that.

I really like you. - Okay, good.

I like you too.

- If anything, I have a soccer fetish.

[movement at door] [whispers] Oh, shit.

We should go.

- Well, Leighton is basically Melania,

but the rest of them seem pretty nice.

- Oh, I'm so glad to see you.

The adjustment's been way harder than I expected.

I didn't know how rich everyone would be.

- Oh, it's the same at Princeton.

My roommate's family brought help on moving day.

- Oh, my--

- But I guess you and I can be poor together.

- I love you. - I love you too.

[Tom Speight's "Collide"]

♪ ♪

- Everybody's asleep.

- Oh yeah? - Yeah.

- ♪ Two hearts and three lost words ♪

♪ Fall through the universe ♪

- Should we...

I mean, only if you're ready. - I'm so ready.

- ♪ You are ♪

♪ With me from the end to the start ♪

♪ When gravity pulls on us ♪

♪ You are ♪

♪ With me from the end to the start ♪

- Is that--oh.

- [soft groaning]

- Wow.

- ♪ When gravity pulls on us ♪

[both groaning softly]

- Holy shit.

- So, I have to work until 10:00,

but we can meet up for a late breakfast after,

if you want.

[gasps] Or we could go to the campus store

and get you one of those "Proud Essex Boyfriend" T-shirts.

What's up? What's wrong?

- So, I was thinking, maybe we should both be free.

- I totally agree. Uh, free from what.

- Free from each other.

- Uh, like free from each other...

Like, are--are you-- are you breaking up with me?

- I think of it more as me

initiating a conversation of our mutual independence.

- Are you fucking kidding me?

You took my virginity, and now you're dumping me?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, we took each other's virginity.

Mine was just as fragile as yours.

- Dude, that is fucked up.

- Uh, can we have some privacy, please?

- Uh, no.

You had the common room all last night

with your grunty, novice boinking

while we were trapped in our rooms.

- And we had to listen to your crappy sex playlist on repeat.

You made me hate Ed Sheeran.

- Is that why you came here? To have sex and then dump me?

- Look, I really care about you, Kimberly.

- No, don't say anything.

I never, ever want to see you again.

- Um...I am so sorry about that,

and I'm gonna go, but I did forget my toothbrush.

- Put a shirt on!

- Get the fuck out of here, dude!

[upbeat music]

- Hi, Bela. Hi, Bela, hi, Bela.

Hi, Bela. Hi, Bela.

I wanna-- no matter what happens,

I want you to know that--

No matter what, I want you to know

that I am so proud of you.

This is gonna be-- Hi, Bela, it's you, Bela.

No matter what happens. Hi, Bela.

Testing, testing?

Hi, Bela, it's you, Bela.

Today you find out if you make "The Catullan" or not.

But I want you to know that no matter what happens today,

I'm proud of you. You're a boss bitch.

And just remember,

Molly Shannon didn't get "SNL" on her first try.

Neither did Rachel Dratch.

But eventually they all did and went on to become icons.

And you know what? You fucking will--

Aah!

Yes!

[screams]

Dude, can you move? Your reflection's in my selfie.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Dalton! - Hey.

- Hey! Dude, are you serious?

Are Tapitio Doritos really part of a healthy on-season diet?

Shouldn't you be leading by example?

- Yeah, no, I know, I just-- - Babe.

Babe, is this one of your players?

Hi, I'm Michelle. I'm Dalton's wife.

It's so nice to meet you.

- This is Whitney. - Oh, my God, of course.

I'm sorry, not to be a stalker, or anything,

but I'm a big fan of your mom.

The way she gives it to the NRA--

I just love her. - Thanks, she's great.

Yeah, I gotta go.

But it's really nice to put a face

with the name I've heard so many times.

- Bye.

[emotional music]

♪ ♪

- Hey!

Did you just throw your trash on the floor in front of him?

- He was already sweeping there.

- Oh, so you just bounce your little

breakfast wrap wrapper on the ground

instead of carrying it to the trash

like a normal fucking person?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

He's not your Goddamn servant.

- It's not a big deal. - Look, I get it.

You're some asshole from that town

where they shot "Big Little Lies"

or some shit, and you wear 100 fucking dollar jeans.

- That's not a lot of money for jeans.

- Shut the fuck up.

Not everyone on this campus has money.

Some of us have to work these jobs

because, even if we didn't know it until we got here,

we're kind of poor.

So, yeah, maybe I don't have the newest iPhone,

and maybe I don't know what couscous is,

but I'm still a fucking person, and so is he,

so treat us like we fucking matter, okay?

- Okay, fine.

I'm sorry.

- And no pants should cost more than $40.

- I agree with you, bitch.

[upbeat music]

- Oh, my God. This donut is insane.

Do you want a bite?

- Uh, no thanks. I don't eat for enjoyment.

- Leighton, sup? - Hi.

- You remember Cory, right?

From the party at Montauk last summer?

- Uh, we were on the same team for flag football.

- Montauk? Flag football?

That's the whitest shit I've ever heard.

I mean that as a compliment. - Oh.

- Hey, if you need a tour around campus,

or something, let me know.

- Okay, thanks.

- Does that offer include me? - No, it definitely does not.

- Hey, um, I know we just met,

but would you be willing to lift your shirt up

and show me your torso? [both laughing]

- I don't think anyone's ever asked me that before.

[clears throat]

Excuse me.

- Ho-ho! That's great. You're very nice.

- Hey, if you and your roommates are free tonight,

we're throwing a party at Theta Pi Delta.

You should stop by. - Yeah, stop by.

- Oh, my God, Leighton, you're gonna fuck a ten!

Wow!

Out of these beds, motherfuckers,

because our suite just got invited

to an upperclassmen party.

- I don't know about that. Uh, today was really shitty.

I'm just gonna stay in

and finish this sad Brazilian documentary

about a snake who ate a boy.

- Yeah, I'm staying in too.

- No, no, no, no, no. Turn them off.

We're going out.

- How, exactly, did we get invited to this party anyway?

- Oh, Leighton's smoke show brother, Nico.

And his somehow even hotter friend Cory,

who wants to rail Leighton.

- Yeah, I really, really don't want to go.

- [sighs] Kimberly.

Sweetie.

Your boyfriend Max fucking sucked.

He ate all our Nutri-Grain bars,

and I'm pretty sure he used my loofa.

I know he was your first love, and your first, you know,

dick,

but he was a dud.

- Also, he shed on the sofa like a cat.

The dude was a yeti. - Ugh.

- Look, we don't have power over

when guys treat us like shit.

But what we can control is how much we let it affect us.

I think Hillary Clinton said that.

So, I say the four of us go out, get tanked,

and, who knows, maybe we'll end up meeting

a guy who doesn't treat us like garbage.

Or not. It doesn't matter.

At least we'll be having fun.

- What do you think?

- Come on, come on, come on, come on!

Yes! Yes!

Yeah, she does!

We're gonna go out!

[electronic music]

♪ ♪

♪ Tonight, tonight I'm solo dancing in my room ♪

♪ Tonight, tonight, got time for me, no time for you ♪

♪ Tonight I'm trying to stay in on my own again ♪

♪ ♪

[rap music playing]

- It's freezing.

I wish you had let me wear my anorak like I had wanted.

- No one in the history of the world has gotten laid

wearing an anorak.

- Nico!

- Yo, let those girls through. - Yeah, ha-ha!

- Oh, goddamn it, you know, I left my phone in the room.

I'm gonna go back and get it.

- No, no, no, no, no, it's fine, just use mine.

- No, it's okay, I'll be right back.

- Do you want us to wait for you?

- No, it is fine. Go in, go in.

- Let's go, my tits are freezing off.

[dance music]

- [laughs] - Wow.

I can't believe we got in here. - I fucking love college.

- ♪ There's nothing left to hide and I ♪

♪ Don't wanna think about you ♪

♪ I got you in my head, on my mind ♪

♪ ♪

- Oh, shit.

Those two girls from "The Catullan" are over there.

- Oh, go say hi.

- Not yet, I'm gonna play cool for a little bit.

Gotta keep it chill.

Dude, can you stop looking? - I'm not looking at them.

- Just keep your head facing forward.

- Okay, fine!

- Next.

- Oh, no, I'm sorry. These are open containers.

- So?

- So someone could have put something in it.

Do you have a bottle or a can?

- Oh, sure.

This frat party has a wide variety of drink options.

Do you want to see a wine list?

- I--I think you're being sarcastic, but I'm not sure.

- These are great. Thank you so much.

We're gonna go. Thanks.

[phone buzzes] crowd: Chug, chug,

Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!

- Whoa!

- Oh, my God, are you okay?

- Yeah, uh... - Let me get you some napkins.

- No, no, I just want to leave.

I shouldn't have even come here.

- Do you want us to come with you?

- No, I really want to be alone.

- Hey.

I know you, right?

- Yeah, I live with your sister.

- No, not that. I saw you on move-in day.

You were checking me out.

- Me? I was not checking you out.

I mean, I might have been looking at you,

and, yes, might eyes might have lingered on your body,

but that's like a totally normal human reaction

to a shirtless man running.

I definitely was not checking you out.

- Whoa, whoa, I'm just messing with you, relax.

Are you leaving? - I am.

- Wow, is our party that bad

that even freshmen are leaving this early?

- No, I'm just having a really shitty day.

- Well, what's going on?

- I wanted to wear my anorak, and no one would let me.

And now I'm covered in pumpkin ale,

and my stupid fucking boyfriend dumped me,

And I'm pretty sure he stole my deodorant before leaving.

- Jesus Christ. - I know.

Have a nice night. - Hey, wait.

I can help with this.

Why don't I grab you something dry to wear,

and you can stay, and Theta can save a little face.

- Yeah. Yeah, okay, I can do that.

- Deal.

Wow, I'm really smelling the beer on you now.

- I think a bunch of it got into my bra.

- [laughs] Let me grab you that shirt.

- ♪ Going insane, all the alcohol is to blame ♪

♪ Came down from...♪

- Hey, it's me, Bela.

Made the first cut of "The Catullan."

I'm really excited to work with you guys.

Us girls in comedy gotta stick together, right?

- Blow me, freshman slut.

- Maybe you should have checked first

to see if any of those guys you jerked off had girlfriends.

♪ ♪

- You know, my friends and I used

to steal shit from Walgreen's all the time.

- My dad would not be happy about that.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Sorry, can we go? - Oh, sure, is everything okay?

- Yeah, totally, party's lame, just want to go.

- Sorry. - Oh, it's all good.

Another time.

- Should we grab Whitney and Leighton?

- Whitney said she wants to stay,

and Leighton didn't come back. She totally blew us off.

- Mm. Let's go.

- Thank you.

- Hey, I'm Whitney. - Canaan.

- Canaan? - Yes, Canaan.

- Is your mom religious

or just super into towns of Connecticut?

- Can't it be both?

What dorm you in?

- No. - Excuse me?

- Neither of us care what dorm I'm in.

I want to see your room. - What?

- Show me what your room looks like.

- Oh! Oh, you trying to fuck.

Oh, yeah, yeah, let's show you the room.

Damn, I must look good tonight. - You're all right.

- [laughs]

[phone chimes]

[phone chimes again]

[phone continues chiming]

- Another. - Sure.

[mellow song]

♪ ♪

- ♪ My, my, hey, hey ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Rock and roll is here to stay ♪

♪ ♪

[heavy breathing]

- You're so hot. - No talking.

Get on the bed.

- ♪ King is gone, but he's not forgotten ♪

♪ ♪

♪ This is the story of Johnny Rotten ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It's better to burn out ♪

♪ Than it is to rust ♪

♪ The king is gone, but he's not forgotten ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Hey, hey, my, my ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Rock and roll can never die ♪

♪ ♪

♪ There's more to the picture ♪