Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

[insects chirping]

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[birds chirping]

[water laps]

["Down With the Trumpets" by Rizzle Kicks plays]

* Yo, you might hear me make a racket like Wilson *

* 'Cause I love summer, no Rachel Bilson *

* Yes, the winter will come *

* We just have parties inside it's still fun *

* We're jammin', pump this, we're bangin' *

* Change your boyfriend, let's have him *

* We're rowdy, girls make our judgement cloudy, *

* But when the sun comes out, we're still alcys *

* We don't wanna be lousy or shameless *

* But we're running round like we're brainless *

* Now I've got grass stains on my brand new white trainers *

Oh!

You're disturbing the neighbours.

I was quite enjoying it, though.

I'm a good rapper, aren't I?

No.

[Lisa squeals]

[laughter]

* Let's get down with the trumpets *

* Yeah, yeah *

* Let's get down with the trumpets *

* Yeah, yeah *

* Let's get down with the trumpets *

* What *

* Get down with it, down with it *

* What *

* Let's get down with it, down with it *

* What *

* Let's get down with it, down with it *

* Yeah, yeah *

* Let's get down with the trumpets *

* When I get down *

* I get respect now *

* And when our tune drops *

* You know it makes your head bounce *

* Yeah, I move with the flow *

* And when I enter the room it shows *

* I move sick when I dance *

* And chicks wanna dance *

* Moving, I move quick when I dance *

* At risk when I dance *

* Just be careful you don't lose your chick when I dance *

* That might just happen *

* So listen deep *

* Stick with your madam *

[indistinct chatter]

[Lisa] Come on!

[Pete] All right.

* Let's get down with the trumpets *

* Yeah, yeah *

* Let's get down with the trumpets *

* Yeah, yeah *

* Let's get down with the trumpets *

New York, Washington,

then through the Blue Ridge Mountains,

to North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, then Miami!

[cheers and whoops]

A thousand miles of highway!

Eight skanky motels.

[Pete] They're not that skanky.

Boom!

Bring it on!

Listen, any more for any more.

Cheers, mate.

[slurring] I'd better not.

Gotta be in work early to leave early.

All right.

[kisses]

Lis.

Does it move round?

I don't know.

Check then, go on.

Now?

Yes, now!

No!

Everyone's gonna look!

They're gonna look!

Oh my God, can you not watch?

[laughter]

Turn around!

I'm sorry, babe.

Sort him out!

Right.

[Sara] Come on, it's serious.

Come back here.

I think it does, I don't know.

[Friend] Let me have a go.

[indistinct chattering]

[Sara] Join in.

[laughs] Oh my!

[Friend] Do you feel that?

Surely, do you want us to just leave you to it?

No, I tell you what, mate, right?

Stand up.

Ah, now I'll have a rummage around your nuts.

[laughter]

Donna, I need to leave early for a hospital appointment.

[whispers] No, you're not pregnant.

[speaking normally] We cannot spare you.

Don't take me to a tribunal for that.

Go when you need to, I've asked Jack to put out

a couple more options for the cover.

[phone rings]

[soft music plays]

Lis, Lis, Lis.

There's a nun over there,

and she's reading Grazia.

Oh.

[book swats]

Every time.

[Lisa laughs]

Just position yourself there,

and then move your gown.

Place your left breast here.

I'm just gonna lower the machine.

Okay.

Just stay there, I'm just gonna take a picture now.

Are you comfortable?

Yeah.

What was it like?

Like shoving your tit in a French door.

[switches click]

Okay.

Lisa, the shadow on the film, just there,

that's the lump that you can feel.

Okay?

Now, I'm afraid it isn't a cyst.

The signs are consistent with breast cancer.

So, this is what's gonna happen.

Today, we'll take a biopsy,

and that will tell us much more about exactly what it is

that we're dealing with,

whether it's invasive or non-invasive.

[soft music plays]

And depending on the results of that biopsy,

may or may not need

a course of chemotherapy and radiotherapy.

All right?

But in either case,

because the lump is so large, yeah,

as you can see, it's really quite big.

I'm afraid there's no possibility of us saving the breast.

So we will need to start by operating

to remove the breast.

Okay, look, I'm gonna leave you two guys alone

for a little bit, okay, just a couple of minutes,

so you can gather your thoughts,

and if you have any questions, you can ask me

when I come back.

Okay?

It won't be long.

The holiday.

I'll deal with that.

My parents.

I'll give 'em a call.

So now, this is the biopsy gun.

I want you to keep your right arm

underneath your back, yeah.

So nothing to be frightened of,

but I just want you to try and keep as still as possible.

Okay.

All right, here we go.

Oh!

[Doctor] Relax, relax.

[gun clacks]

Oh!

[Doctor] Okay?

[Lisa] Yay.

Good, all done.

You're all done.

All finished, yeah?

[kisses] Well done, darling.

[soft piano music plays]

[Lisa sighs]

Hello, mate, it's Pete.

Listen, I need to take some time off work, right away.

Well, it's my wife.

She, she's been diagnosed with breast cancer.

[water gurgles]

[doorbell rings]

[door clicks, squeals]

[soft music plays]

Come on.

Hey.

I'm all right.

I'm all right, you're doing me no good!

[whispers] Lis, Lis, Lis.

[kisses]

Don't, oh, I smell bad.

I know!

Hi, arseface, come on, get in.

[door shuts]

Kylie Minogue.

Olivia Newton-John.

Oh, and that other one, you, oh.

Oh, God, you know the one, who...

She used to be in...

Turns out that she's-

Cynthia Nixon?

Cynthia Nixon!

Nixon, there you are.

But she's fine now!

She's on Broadway now.

[Lisa] Oh.

Now, unfortunately, the biopsy confirmed

that the cancer is invasive.

[Pete sighs]

The tumour is around five centimetres in length,

which means that we're looking at a stage two

or a stage three cancer, depending on whether or not

there's been a spread into the lymph nodes.

Ah, how many stages are there?

Four.

Oh God.

So, what do we do?

Don't Google.

Okay.

There's a lot of rubbish about,

and it's only gonna frighten you.

All right?

Now, we'll do the operation first.

And what I do is what we call a skin sparing mastectomy,

which means that I remove the nipple, yeah,

take out the breast tissue,

but the skin itself will be saved.

And then we'll borrow some muscle and skin from your back

to help with the reconstruction.

Jamie.

My brother, my brother's getting married in five months,

I won't be able to go.

How?

I mean, how could this possibly be?

I mean, I'm 52, I'm screened

because I'm supposed to be at risk,

and you're 28, and they're telling me

you've got breast cancer?

-How can it be- -Mum, please.

[Jane] One minute, and a huge, invasive tumour the next?

Please.

You know, I just think it's appalling

that nobody picked this up.

I've never heard of this, have you, Ian, never!

[Ian] No, never.

A girl of your age, getting breast cancer?

Stop, stop it now, please!

I cannot do this.

I cannot handle seeing you like this!

Carry on like this, carry on as you are,

and I will deal with all of this on my own.

Or you can just pack it in now,

and do it with me.

[dramatic music]

I'm sorry.

[ball slams]

[iron hisses]

[clothes rustle]

[sander grinds]

[hand slams]

[noises clamour]

[door slams]

[Lisa sighs]

[Lisa breathes heavily]

[Lisa sighs, clears throat]

[keys clacking]

On my list of things to do before I'm 30,

I hadn't factored in beating breast cancer.

But them's the breaks.

I can't be the only 20-something in the world

who's had a breast cancer diagnosis.

But I am probably the one with the biggest gob.

So, I'm going to write my way through

The Bullshit,

and come out standing tall in a pair of Louboutins

on the other side.

[Lisa sighs]

[mouse clicks]

[laptop shuts]

[Lisa sighs]

What blog?

[Sara] The wife has started a blog.

[Jamie] What about?

The Bullshit.

That's where it's all going.

Everything I feel, everything I want to say.

I'm gonna send the link 'round to all my friends,

which means the rest of the time,

we can talk about other things.

Wait, wait, hang on. [laughs]

This can't just be for your friends.

If you Google the word cancer-

No, dear, the doctor told us not to.

Google the word cancer,

and a thousand pages will come up tell you it's a gift.

A what?

A gift!

Merry Christmas, happy birthday!

You've got cancer, a gift, so I cross referenced,

is lupus a gift?

Is multiple sclerosis a gift?

Is a vaginal prolapse a gift?

Certainly is not a gift.

[laughs] Right.

[laughter]

Oh God!

Please, counteract some of the utter crap

that is out there, and make your blog public.

Okay.

Having an array of wigs lets you try on

different identities in the bedroom.

[laughter]

You didn't just say that, dad!

[Ian] That's what we read!

Did we, Jane?

Well, well-

The family doctor told us not to, no,

somebody actually said that, you know.

As if the first thing that happens, you know,

when you get-

The Bullshit.

The Bullshit is that you turn into Ann bloody Summers!

[laughter]

-Give over. -[Jamie] Dad!

[Ian] Sir, thank you very much, come on,

let's have an order.

Right, who's up for the results of the bulge?

[Lisa] Being diagnosed with cancer is like being told

you've got 20 minutes to revise for an A Level

in a language you've never learned.

And if that weren't enough, consider the course materials,

packed with pink girliness, cutesy prettiness,

and woeful attempts at just us girls hem night style fun.

Why is there so much bullshit about The Bullshit?

Where are the people telling it like it really is?

[knocks]

[door clicks, squeaks]

[Lisa laughs]

Arseface.

You all right, shithead?

[Lisa] Well, what do you think?

I'm calling it Alright Tit.

Yeah.

So come on, how are the wedding plans?

It's ages away, isn't it?

I'm sorry about the timing, you know.

Don't want to interfere, mate.

Well.

You do have form.

What form?

My next birthday, she falls off a bike.

Upstaged.

No one interested in my moonwalk,

only interested in signing your cast.

Because your moonwalk was shite.

No, it wasn't.

It was really, really, really shit.

Glandular fever.

That was during my A Levels.

Jamie, can you leave your geography coursework,

come down and set the table, Lisa's got to rest

in front of Home and Away.

[Lisa laughs]

Oh, I'm gonna be bald at the wedding.

That's all right.

And in all the photos, that'd be nice.

Bald, bloated, and one-titted. [laughs]

Okay.

[Lisa] I'll still be there.

Of course you'll be there.

I'm not gonna be going down any aisle without you.

You won't be going down any aisle at all, muppet.

You stand at the end, Leanne slowly walks down.

Doofus. [laughs]

Right.

[whispers] Shit.

[Lisa] Stupid!

[crashing]

Ooh shit, now! [laughs]

I love you.

I love you too.

Arseface.

Alright Tit.

[soft music plays]

It's not bad.

Not bad?

It's genius is what it- [grunts]

Getting everyone behind my tackling of The Bullshit

wasn't gonna be easy.

Driving home from the restaurant, we made further lists

of who to tell and how.

Like a petulant child, I stared out the window,

seeking out other girls my age.

Why wasn't it you, I thought, as we passed

a happy looking 20-something, arm-in-arm with

her equally and nauseatingly happy looking boyfriend.

Why haven't you got this?

I made a mental list of things I could've done

to tip my karma in the wrong direction.

But drew blanks at teenage hair pulling,

exaggerating my CV, and stealing a carpet

from an Indian restaurant during pressures week. [laughs]

But even if I'd nicked every CD in my collection,

or cheated on every boyfriend I'd ever had,

would that mean that I deserved to get cancer?

I find myself actually looking forward to surgery next week.

[soft music plays]

[door shuts]

[Lisa laughs softly]

For Jamie's wedding, just need a pair of Louboutins,

and then I'm set. [laughs]

Babe.

[door shuts]

Listen, you know you don't have to...

You don't have to man up.

Just because I was crying like a baby.

I'm not manning up.

It's the end of my 20s.

It's the start of our marriage, and I'm not gonna let this

change me or take over our lives

for any longer than necessary.

It's not getting any more than my hair,

and my tit.

It's just-

Look, I can't control this situation,

except for how I handle it, and this is how I'm handling it.

Okay?

Ann Weddington rung,

couldn't find her pyjamas.

Ah yeah.

Mum bought these for going into hospital.

[dramatic music plays]

[Lisa laughs]

Better.

[Lisa] I want this thing out of me.

Cut me open, take my nipple, take the lot,

scar me right up, just get it out!

Ready?

Okay.

[kisses]

[Lisa groans]

[laughs] I'll be fine.

Okay?

See you soon.

[dramatic music plays]

Just like a couple of gin and tonics.

Needs more than a couple of gin and tonics

to do anything to me.

[muffled breathing]

[door creaks]

It's all out.

It took longer than expected,

but the operation went really well,

and it's all out.

[laughter, relieved sighs]

[Jamie] How is she?

On morphine and whizzed off her tits.

Well, tit.

Go on, you go in first.

[knocks]

[electronic beeping]

How's your tit?

Hi, arseface.

[Jamie] How you feeling?

Amazing.

[Jamie laughs]

Oh, can you do me a-

[Jamie] Yeah.

Can you do me a favour?

[Jamie] Yeah.

Can you just check under here.

[Jamie] Lisa?

Check under the cover.

[Jamie] Of course!

Oh!

You bastard! [laughs]

["Let's Push Things Forward" by The Streets plays]

Dick!

[Lisa] Stop making me laugh!

[Jamie] You blew it!

[Lisa laughs]

* This ain't the down, it's the upbeat, make it complete *

[Lisa] Lovely as it was to be so inundated

with well-wishers, it was my first taste of feeling

like a museum exhibit.

A freak show to be viewed in single file.

Roll up, roll up, see the one-breasted woman. [laughs]

* And we'll have a little dance, shall we? *

* No sales pitch, no media hype *

Rather than play the part of the ill person,

or feel self conscious about my new wonky chest,

I gave the people what they wanted.

Like cracking as many cancer jokes as I could.

"Whizzed off my tit" became a personal favourite,

along with, "Ding, dong, the lump is dead."

So it did spread?

It did.

To 24 out of 25 lymph nodes.

But that 25th was a cocky little bastard.

[soft laughter]

It's all out, now.

Well done, you.

No, well done, you.

I have to say.

I am so impressed with the way you're handling all of this.

[Lisa laughs softly]

We all are.

Oh, good.

Wow, crikey. [laughs]

I don't know about that.

[soft laughter]

Thank you.

Bet you say that to all your patients,

that's what I should've said!

Oh no!

[Pete] It's too late, babe.

[Lisa] I know.

Too late, think you've gotta go with your first answer.

I'm so, well!

[Pete] What was that?

Shush, I'm ill!

[indistinct conversation]

[Nurse] Now remember, there won't be a nipple,

but that'll be rebuilt after your chemotherapy

and your radiotherapy,

when we finish off your reconstruction.

Okay.

[indistinct]

[Lisa laughs]

[soft music plays]

There we go, darling, that's it.

No, I can't!

I can't look, mum, mum, can you?

What?

My God.

What is it?

That is amazing!

Thank you!

You're very welcome.

Ladies!

[hands clap]

Do I get a look?

-Yeah! [laughs] -Come up!

[Pete] Sure?

Well, say something.

You know, I've been gearing up for some kind

of horrible, purple, egg-shaped gash

with bruising all around it, stitches poking out.

[soft laughter]

So I'm a bit disappointed.

[laughter]

[Lisa] Oh!

[Pete] [kisses] It looks great.

[laughter]

Now you've got an implant in there,

which will need to be pumped up slowly with saline, okay?

It'll be gradually inflated over the next few weeks.

Oh, so I'll have two roughly equal sized knockers

for Jamie's wedding.

[laughter]

That is what we're aiming for, yes?

[laughter]

Happy now?

[laughs] Yes, thank you!

Good!

Okay.

Now, we've managed to have a closer look

at the nature of the tumour, okay?

It's more hormone receptive than we thought.

Okay.

It's also more aggressive.

Which means that we need to move fast on the chemo.

All right?

[whispers] Yeah.

Yeah.

The thing is, Lisa and Pete,

chemo can stop your ovaries working for a while, yeah?

So normally, with somebody with your age,

we'd refer you to a fertility specialist

to discuss the possibility of freezing embryos.

Yeah.

But in your case, it's not something that I would advise.

Okay?

Because a course of IVF relies on pumping you

full of oestrogen, and that might accelerate the cancer.

[speaking normally] So, I can't, I can't-

[Doctor] I'm afraid it might be too dangerous

for you to try.

[soft music plays]

[Lisa] So.

[scissors snip]

So I guess we'll never get to meet Maisie Jean,

and Cameron Thomas Arthur.

Shame.

We spent ages thinking those up.

Turns out, oestrogen is my kryptonite.

The no-kids clause.

We didn't see that one coming.

But dwelling any further on it right now

would be a bit like crying over conceding a penalty

when you're already 10 knelt down.

[Lisa sobs]

[water gurgles]

[sniffs] Oh, I'm sorry!

Will you stop saying sorry?

Plenty of us won't have kids of our own, you know.

Not even plenty, probably half.

Half of us won't.

We'll end up leaving it too late

to get off the starting blocks.

Do you really think if we stayed up in Derby,

we'd be on to our third?

Yeah!

But why waste your 20s doing that,

when you could be tottering 'round London

in your high heels, getting shit faced.

[Lisa laughs]

All that matters is that you're here.

It's just, Pete.

I always thought he was a bit of a cocky twat,

but you seem to like him.

The only kind of life he's particular about

is one with you.

["Get Miles" by Gomez plays]

[Lisa] I've spent as long as I can remember

wishing I looked different.

As a kid, I loathed my super curly, strawberry blonde,

look a ginger hair.

I was hardly blessed with a good set of lashes, either.

Thing is, since diagnosis bullshit,

I've felt more confident about my looks

than I could ever remember feeling before.

Maybe it was just my last hurrah before chemo did its worst,

but it made me wish I had the chance to go back

to my 13 year old self, give her a good shake,

and tell her not to be so bloody self-conscious.

I'm Lisa Lynch.

I'm here to start chemo.

Security to reception, we have an imposter.

* Gonna head out towards the sea *

It's not a day spa,

but it's not gonna be as bad as you were expecting.

[indistinct chattering]

Is everyone-

Monday's breast, Tuesday's testicular,

and Thursday's ovarian.

If you just want to pop yourself down there, Lisa.

You're having six rounds.

Is that a lot?

It's normal.

And sure, you're young,

[whispers] and you can take it.

[Lisa laughs]

[speaking normally] You know, chemo really does

zap the bugger.

Trouble with it is, is it zaps everything else as well.

[Lisa] How do so many people do this?

Just how have so many people managed it

and seen the other side?

[coughing]

On the hottest day of the year,

I should be sitting outside a pub,

talking to my man and my mates,

about who's gonna win X Factor,

and what Derby County's chances are for the next season.

Instead, I'm craving a cold, dark room

and a few hours' decent sleep.

[keyboard clacking]

Going through chemo has got to be the pinnacle

of human endurance.

[laptop lid slams]

To say nothing of the toll it takes on your ass.

[Lisa sighs]

[yelling] Pete, can you come here, please, quick!

I want to show you something!

[scoffs] It's amazing!

You've had all day to move your bowels,

now it's match point!

[TV chattering faintly]

[door shuts]

There, are we not flushing now?

There isn't anything to flush.

Can you hold this for me?

Nothing to flush, you've been in there forever.

So somebody's written to me!

[breathing heavily] Come here, quick!

[laughs] Shut up, she replied to my blog!

Look!

"Dear Lisa, I like your blog.

It's funny, and no shit."

[Pete laughs]

"It's true, the steroids make your ass harder to crap

than the Da Vinci Code."

She's funny!

"I'm 25, I live in Brighton,

though originally from Toronto.

I'm a jazz pianist, and I have secondary breast cancer.

You want to know the single best gift you can buy

for a cancer patient?

A giant-sized tub of Sudocrem."

Sudocrem.

Sudocrem is a thick, white barrier cream

used for nappy rash! [laughs]

Nice.

It lubricates the skin and prevents chafing.

Do you want me to go and get you some-

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh no!

Oh, that may be, sorry!

Oh!

Ahh!

-Pete! -[door slams]

[Lisa groans]

You okay?

[Lisa] [yelling] Pete!

Yes?

[Lisa] Can you go to the kitchen quickly, please?

Yes, what do you want?

[Lisa] Could you get me olive oil?

Olive oil?

[Lisa] Yes, just get it.

Olive oil?

[Lisa] Yes, just-

[Pete] I'm sorry!

[Pete groans]

[Lisa] Hurry up, darling!

Please!

Quick!

[Pete] Babe.

Extra virgin olive oil.

[Lisa] Bye bye now, Pete.

[Pete] I'm going.

[TV chattering indistinctly]

[door shuts]

[toilet flushes]

[TV volume increases, crowd roars applause]

[Lisa laughs]

What should I say?

Huh?

To the girl who wrote to me, I really want to write back.

Dear-

Anya.

At 9:29 PM,

I filled the pan, to the delight of the Wimbledon crowd.

Pete!

[Pete laughs]

[Pete] Okay, dear Anya.

Yeah?

Thank you for your message.

[keyboard clacks]

It lightened the load.

Oh God.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[kisses]

Dear Anya, thank you for your message.

My husband says it's the first time

he's seen me smile all week.

Look, I don't have to go, you know.

Yes, you do!

It's been weeks, and they've been amazing.

Go.

You know, I can be back here in 25 minutes.

Go.

Under 25 minutes.

Go!

Someone's gotta keep me in handbags and iTunes

when I'm sitting around my house. [laughs]

All right.

See you later.

Mm-hmm.

[kisses]

Okay, piss off, go on.

Ahh, go, shoo! [laughs]

[door shuts]

["Darkness Descends" by Laura Marling plays]

* You're holding bits of styrofoam *

* With your face painted on to your friends *

* You listen to them whine and moan *

Well, it's all go around these parts.

I'm on a break between chemos,

and Pete's gone back to work.

So today, I've planned to make a sandwich,

and put on some mascara. [laughs]

These, ladies and gentlemen, are big moves in my world.

My dad loves reading your comments on the blog,

and rings me every time somebody writes.

Mike tried to act cool with him, but the truth is,

his excitement when a new comment appears,

there's nothing on mine.

Today, I failed to eat the sandwich

and wasn't arsed with mascara,

but I loved reading everything you wrote.

[Pete] Lis?

Hey, sexy boy! [laughs]

[keyboard clacking]

Two secs?

So whatever it is you've said,

or if you're just reading and not saying anything at all,

thank you.

You've made an underemployed woman with swollen joints

and one missing nipple very happy.

[bacon sizzles]

Do you want it crispy or normal?

[sighs] We knew this was going to happen.

Thank you, that's very helpful.

Look.

Your hair, it's gonna come out.

No.

It's gonna come out, and then it's gonna grow back again.

No, it might not!

What if I don't do anything to dislodge it?

My first reaction to diagnosis bullshit

wasn't shit, I'm gonna die of cancer.

It was bollocks, my hair.

Turns out, the pubes go first,

but losing hair you don't want doesn't make you

any more prepared to lose hair you do.

You get that it happens,

but you kind of don't really believe

it's gonna happen to you.

And it isn't just happening to you.

It might have been my hair getting flushed down the bog,

but that didn't mean that cancer's uninvited consequences

were only having an impact on me.

What?

You're being weird, why?

Oh no-

You tell me.

When was the last time you had a-

[Lisa] What?

What?

A shower?

I don't know, a couple of weeks ago, I guess.

Right.

I've been having baths.

Oh.

Is it my hair?

You think I should wash it?

Well, maybe.

You know, it might,

might make you feel a little bit better.

Does this, it smell?

No.

[door opens]

[Pete] Shit.

I am so sorry.

Sorry, I couldn't get it all out, it's in the drain.

Drain.

Baby, don't worry about that, I'll get that, it's fine!

[soft piano music plays]

I'm so sorry.

[Lisa] In chemo three, on one day,

Mary, my favourite cancer nurse, said I looked very glam.

She should see me now.

I look like a smack head.

Oh God, if I knew you'd have the thought

to complete your look with a skateboard.

[mocking laughter]

[Lisa] You should be a stand up comedian.

590, here we go.

[knocks]

[Male Speaker] Come in!

[door opens]

[chorus music plays on radio]

Hello.

I need a wig.

I've got that.

65 pounds.

Well, would you like to have a little browse around?

Or, if you'd like me to,

I could recommend something that might suit you.

This is Annabelle, very popular.

[stifled laughter]

This is Heather.

Isn't she pretty?

She's lovely, yeah.

Maybe you'd like to have a bashful Jacqueline?

[snickers]

What, don't you think she's maybe a bit too severe?

[laughter]

Oh!

Sorry about my friend.

It's not you.

What!

[Sara] The Annabelle!

[laughter]

I know, I'm sorry, I'm a terrible friend!

[laughter]

-[door opens] -[Pete sings]

Hello.

You're cheerful.

You all right?

How was work?

Dull, as usual.

[claps hands]

How did it go?

Great.

Well, let's see it, then.

I didn't get one.

Why not?

Because the 65 quid NHS wig budget

gets you a number in acrylic that might just about do

for dressing up dogs.

[phone buzzes]

It's your dad.

Hello, darling!

How many are you up to now?

How many what?

Comments!

I checked before I left work, you had six.

[laughs] Still six, dad.

Lis, who's playing tonight?

I don't know, mom.

[Jane] Well, I thought might be a friend

of the Walters.

[laughter]

Jane, she doesn't know them personally.

Just through Twitter.

You know, because of the blog.

[Jane] Oh.

Yeah, but how do they know her?

[together] The blog!

Oh!

Yeah, of course.

Here you are.

You know, who's this anonymous who's always putting

his two pennies in?

Oh, I don't know, dad.

He's anonymous.

Even I knew that.

Knob.

[Pete] Gotta go.

We'll see you in a few hours.

I'm taking your daughter out.

[buzzes]

[Female Speaker] Beckett and Lowe.

Yes, Peter Lynch.

[door opens]

[soft classical music plays]

Hello.

How can I help you?

I'd like a pot of cottage cheese

and a large jar of olives.

Is it all right if we just have a look around?

Of course.

All of our wigs are made with human hair,

for a more natural look.

Do they put 'em on your head?

["Elvis" by Longpigs plays]

Suzanne.

[Pete] Bloody hell.

How much?

Endeavour.

Excalibur.

Wait, there's the one called Extortion, now.

[Lisa] I spent 28 years wasting my money on stuff,

but that was my choice.

Having to splash the cash out of cancer dictated necessity

was just plain unfair.

Louboutons, size five, Pigalle Patent.

That's what I want, that's what I saved up for.

Only now, I've got to sport the money

on something that makes me look like a member of Spinal Tap.

[keys clacking]

But I don't have a choice.

I'm not being a sideshow.

I want Jamie to have the best wedding ever.

I'm not walking up looking like Uncle Fester,

ruining it all.

Lis?

[Ian] Hey.

[soft music plays]

Oh, there's my girl!

Yeah, yeah!

Hmm.

Now don't feed them after midnight.

[laughter]

We can't afford to feed them, we've got no money left.

Right, I am transferring that money

straight into your account.

No.

Put it on, then.

No.

What, you have spent all that money

to display a syrup on a stand, you daft bugger,

come on, let's see it on.

No, you'll see it at Jamie's wedding!

You are a stubborn so-and-so, do you know that?

That has been said, yes.

I wouldn't want you any other way.

Come on.

Night, Erica.

Good night, Colette.

Oi!

Don't fight.

[laughter]

[TV chattering indistinctly]

You already broken the back of this chemo thing, eh?

Dad.

Did you get a fright when you saw me?

[Ian] What are you talking about?

You know, I hadn't seen you for a couple of weeks,

and I was just, you know-

Don't be daft.

Of course I didn't get a fright.

You're you, I just saw you!

[Lisa cries]

[kisses]

[soft music plays]

[Ian sobs quietly]

[Jane sobs quietly]

[birds chirp]

[dramatic music plays softly]

[TV chattering quietly]

[Lisa] Pete?

Pete?

Baby?

[Lisa] Pete?

Lis?

[door clicks, bangs]

[door slams open]

[Lisa sobs]

Baby, what's the matter?

What's wrong?

What's wrong?

[Lisa] I can't get out!

Oh darling, come here.

Come here, baby, come here.

Come here, come here.

[Lisa mumbles]

[Lisa sobs]

Just stand up for a second.

You don't want to get cold.

[Pete grunts]

[Lisa sobs]

You okay?

[Lisa groans]

[Pete grunts]

Don't trip yet, right?

[Pete grunts]

[Pete breathes heavily]

[Lisa groans]

[drawer creaks]

[phone rings]

Thank you.

[Co-Worker] Massive one?

Who, me?

What makes you say that?

You look knackered, mate.

Lisa's not really up for going out at the moment, so-

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

I've been, I've been looking at the blog.

You know, rather than ask you all the time,

'cause that gets a bit, you know.

She's a brilliant writer.

It's good that she's got an outlet.

What are you doing to let off steam?

[Pete sighs]

I'll boil the kettle.

What are you on about?

No, that's what I do.

I boil the kettle.

I put the kettle on about 20 times a day,

and there's probably a 10 to one ratio

from boiling it to pouring it out,

and then the same again, from pouring out

to actually drinking it, so basically,

every time I put the kettle on, there's only like,

one in a hundred chance that someone's

actually gonna have a cup of tea.

[Lisa] Cancer is an attention seeking,

party-pooping bitch.

It takes over.

Takes your hair, your confidence, your social life,

your immune system, your vigour,

the least it could do is make you thin.

Your energy, your taste buds, your sense of smell,

your sex life, and leaves behind this dark stuff.

And just when you think it's done as much

as it possibly can, it takes away

your chance to celebrate.

'Cause after six tedious rounds of chemo,

you just don't feel like bouncing back into life

as it was before.

I want to pick myself up, dust myself down,

and write something uplifting.

God knows that's probably what everyone around me expected,

and definitely deserved.

But more than wanting what I write here to be uplifting,

I want it to be honest.

And the honest truth is, at the end of treatment,

it feels like there's as much to mourn

as there is to celebrate.

Is this all right, still?

You don't think it needs altering for the weekend?

Lis.

You look like Ron Burgundy.

Come on.

Let's see your outfit.

You've seen it, it's been hanging on the wardrobe

for four months. [clears throat]

[Pete] Have you got tights?

Why are you asking me about tights?

Just because your mum called and she said

that she'd get them for you, if you let her know

what denier it is that you want.

I don't need tights.

If either of you think that having the right denier tight

is gonna make the slightest difference

to how I look on the day,

I know what I'm gonna look like.

I'm gonna like like a cancer patient.

Of all the cancer side effects that I expected,

or hadn't bargained for was it turning me

into a horrible person.

The dark stuff senses when you're vulnerable,

and surprises you with many mental breakdowns.

You go from a strong on the outside, brave faced girl,

to a consumed, cloaked, troubled mass.

[door shuts]

[TV chattering quietly]

[Lisa sobs]

Hey!

Hey!

What's wrong, what's happened?

I can't do this, I can't! [sobs]

[Pete] What?

What can't you do?

Anything, any of it.

[Lisa sobs]

[Pete] Let's just wait until tomorrow, eh?

You know, you might feel differently.

It won't feel differently.

Every day's the same, it doesn't matter what I do! [sobs]

It's so ugly, Pete.

I don't recognise myself.

Some mornings... [sobs]

Some mornings, I don't want to wake up. [sobs]

And I'm jealous!

I'm jealous of everyone.

Most of all, I'm jealous of Jamie.

Because him and Leanne get to have the happiest day

of their life. [sobs]

But you and me, we get less than two years of being normal,

and being happy, and me being remotely desirable to you,

before you become my carer! [sobs]

Hey, hey!

Hey!

Where did you get the idea

that I stopped finding you desirable?

The pyjamas.

What pyjamas?

The other night,

the night you carried me out the bath,

you gave me the sick person's pyjamas,

that's as you see me.

Darling.

I gave you those pyjamas

because they were the only ones clean.

Any other evidence?

[Lisa sobs]

How would you?

[Lisa sobs]

[Pete] [whispers] Hey, hey, hey, hey.

That was one day.

[speaking normally] I mean, it was awesome.

It was a party, people got drunk, and they danced,

and I mean, it was brilliant.

And it was one day.

It didn't make me feel like we were gonna have

a fairy tale life together.

[Lisa laughs]

Okay, all right, I didn't expect this either, but...

That's what the vows are for.

[Lisa sobs]

'Cause you and me,

we are getting old together.

That's what I took from that day.

And that is happening.

It's the only thing I'm holding you to.

[Lisa sobs]

[Lisa] Pete?

[Pete] Yeah?

My eyelashes have started coming out.

Of course they are.

I mean, that's The Bullshit for you.

I mean, they couldn't hang on in there just a few more days

until after the wedding, could they?

[Lisa sobs]

So, so what does that tell you?

That you're not the boss of this.

It's cancer.

It's not gonna bend to your iron will.

[sighs] I can't believe it.

[Pete] I know.

[kisses]

All right, young lady.

Get those baps out.

Come on, Lisa.

These two have seen more tits

than you've had our dinners.

Tits?

That's a first from you, Jane!

Yeah, well, that's The Bullshit for you.

Oh, come on, look at my raisins!

You've got nothing to hide.

Bloody hell!

That is the best falsie I've ever seen.

It's a thing of beauty, that is.

Right, then!

[laughter]

[soft classical music plays]

[Lisa] Missing lashes and wonky wig aside,

the important thing was that for the first time in months,

the occasion wasn't about me.

Yes, people wanted to ask how I was,

and tell me they were pleased to see me,

and lie about how well I looked.

But this wasn't my day.

Cancer forces you to act.

And soon, the acting becomes the reality,

because you're so bloody determined to put out

the right signals.

Hey, funny face.

Right one, boy.

It was the role of my life.

My Hannibal Lecter, my Don Corleone,

My Scarlett O'Hara.

And it was exhausting.

But seeing Jamie and Leanne get hitched

was the prize I'd had my eye on from day one.

Every step of The Bullshit up to this point

had been geared towards me not just making it there,

but having a bloody good time too.

["Somebody to Love" by Queen plays]

* I got no rhythm *

* I just keep losing my beat *

* You just keep losing and losing *

* I'm all right, I'm all right. *

* He's all right, he's all right *

* Yeah, yeah *

* I just gotta get out of this prison cell *

* Someday I'm gonna be free, Lord *

[applause]

[Lisa] Mission accomplished!

I did have a good time.

And all for the sake of my brilliant, brilliant brother.

* Find me somebody to love *

* Find me somebody to love *

* Somebody, somebody *

* Somebody, somebody *

* Somebody find me *

* Somebody find me somebody to love *

* Can anybody find me *

[soft music fades in]

[faint chattering]

In fact, so spectacular was the day,

that every so often, I even forgot I'd got cancer.

And that's damn high praise.

-[birds chirping] -[faint chatter]

Excuse me.

Are you Lisa?

Lisa Lynch?

Yeah.

Thank you!

Mate.

Who's that?

No idea, mate.

One with another wedding.

Hi.

This is my husband, Peter.

[Diane] Pete!

Oh! [laughs]

[kisses]

Hey.

Diane reads the blog.

Oh, right, okay!

I recognised her, didn't I?

Did you?

Hello.

I'm Jane McFarlane, Lisa's mom, hello.

[Diane] Yes, of course you are, I recognise you and all

from the wedding photo you put up.

That were a stunning hat you had on.

Oh!

Well!

Her grandson's had it, you know.

And he's getting his.

You think people just use the internet for lucky photos

and booking holidays and trying to remember the name

of some actor you'd forgot.

And suddenly,

you find something like this.

I can't tell you what you've done for us.

Wow.

You know, she's,

she's always been a writer.

Haven't you, love, eh?

I've always said that you should write a book.

Absolutely, she should.

Absolutely.

[laughter]

Do you mind if I-

No!

[everyone chattering]

Say cheese.

[together] Cheese!

[camera beeps]

["Golden Dawn" by Goat plays]

There's no sign of cancer.

[Lisa] Oh, the most beautiful words

in the English language!

But after going through six sessions of chemo,

and 28 sessions of radio,

it's enough to let us give the finger

to The Bullshit in the best way we know how.

[cheering]

But first up, operation nipple tattoo.

With some help from a colour chart,

and some advice from my fellow bloggers,

I'm on a one-way ticket to self improvement.

I'll once again be able to pick up a hair dryer,

have more sex, get off my steroid swelled ass,

and generally execute a Houdini-like escape

from the evil grip of The Bullshit.

Ta-da!

I was back.

Life was slowly becoming normal.

Hello?

Have you checked your Twitter?

Check it!

[Lisa] Until Stephen Fry started reading my blog.

[laughs] "Funny and brilliant," he said!

Then the year of The Bullshit became the year

I wrote a book!

I felt like the Carrie Bradshaw of breast cancer.

I had a new rack, a new book,

and I no longer had the bonnet of a six month old baby.

Two years on, I was starting to feel free again.

I didn't even mind when twat clacker overtook me.

And I became Auntie Lisa.

But then...

Then the music stopped.

[suspenseful music plays]

[door clicks open]

Hello.

Can you follow me, please?

How long have you been married?

[Lisa] Five years.

And when were you diagnosed?

I first found out I had breast cancer

about a year and a half into our marriage.

Then recently, they told us it'd come back.

It's in my bones and my brain.

I'm having ongoing treatment to keep me alive

as long as possible, but there's nothing they can really do.

That happened about a month ago now, so I should've really

had time to get used to the situation.

Well, it isn't a situation that anybody gets used to.

And the pain's under control.

But it's,

[sighs] it's just, everything else.

There are strategies for coping, more than coping,

and there is one in particular,

a technique called mindfulness,

which has been found to be very useful.

I know we can talk about all the different possibilities

and approaches, but first, there is a book,

and I think

you could both benefit from reading,

it's called "The C-Word."

I'm so, what's wrong, what have I said?

Um.

I wrote it.

Oh.

Lisa Lynch?

[quietly] Oh God.

You have to laugh, really.

[soft piano music plays]

You were really kind about giving me time off,

and letting me work from home when Lisa was ill.

But unfortunately,

we are back where we were,

because it's come back.

And obviously, I want to spend as much time

with her as possible,

while still being able to support our family.

I am, I can't afford not to work.

So if we, if I could be a bit more flexible again,

like last time, it would be...

That would be hugely appreciated.

[door squeaks open]

First class in here, innit?

[Jane] A treasure.

It's mom and dad.

The box feeds and mixed nuts come around in a minute.

[kisses]

They've had it refurbished since last time.

In case you thought the shit-uation has got me an upgrade.

So I, I brought some of this stuff in today,

just some of the stuff to give you about what help there is.

You know, support and stuff.

And I thought we could go through it.

All right, sounds a good idea, yeah.

Absolutely, yeah.

See, there's so much we're entitled to.

And some of it might be good, physio and acupuncture

and complimentary therapies, whatever they are.

There's Trinity.

Trinity?

The hospice?

They've, they've got art therapy,

and meditation, all sorts.

[Lisa] I don't want to talk about that now.

I don't think art therapy's for our Lis,

they're gonna get a stick man out of her.

Many talents, but doing art's one of-

I don't want to talk about going into a hospice.

Nobody's talking about going in anywhere, darling.

You know, these are things you can do as a day patient.

They're there if you want them.

[whispers] Stop it.

[speaking normally] I'm not ready for this,

just stop it, please.

[dramatic music plays]

[Pete sobs]

[Therapist] I recommend your book to almost everybody

that walks in here.

Almost on reflex, because...

It's brilliant.

And funny, and honest,

and I have seen how it helps people.

Yeah, well, it's no use to me now, is it?

I wrote for me.

When I was gonna get better.

Then I thought all I had to do is get through the treatment,

and then I'd come out the other side.

'Cause so many people do, so many people survive.

I didn't have to have any more treatments

when they told me it'd come back.

You know, 'cause they'd just sacked the whole thing off.

But I wanted to live, obviously.

Only at the minute,

it's not, it's not obvious.

'Cause I'm sitting there in that treatment room,

thinking, why, why am I bothering with all of this?

And I'd never, never ever say that to my family,

never, but I...

I have to say it to someone, so I'm saying it to you.

[Therapist] You're angry.

Yeah.

I can't even,

I can't even go around the corner for a can of Coke,

because halfway there it will hit me,

and I'll panic, just the enormity of it all.

[sobs]

This thing is, it's taken my independence,

and our optimism, and our hopes and our tentative plans

for the future, and anything that it hasn't already taken,

it one day will.

[sobs]

So you went back?

Mm-hmm.

And what happened?

I shouted and screamed and swore.

Did you want to sit down?

No, no, I'm okay.

Let's keep going.

She talked about mindfulness,

this technique where you imagine you're standing

in the middle of a stream,

and you see leaves floating down the stream, away from you.

Right.

And then, if a negative thought comes into your mind,

you mentally place it on the leaf, and it floats away.

Okay.

Did you do it?

Yeah, I tried it.

And?

I felt like shit.

Yeah? [laughs]

Apparently it takes practise.

Oh, and I ordered a book, which makes me quite good.

"The Art of Happiness" by the Dalai freaking Lama.

Ah.

I've gotta sit now, babes.

Ooh! [grunts]

Me too.

[laughs]

[Lisa] What?

Fair play to that woman for starting it out

after the first appointment.

Oh!

I just keep thinking, there must be a way to do this.

And so I can start looking at things, like that branch,

or the boat, the river, and be dazzled

by how beautiful it is.

Instead of every single thing reminding me of,

of what I've lost, and what I'm gonna lose.

Are you seriously giving yourself a hard time,

'cause you're not reacting to terminal illness

in the right way?

No, I'm not, I just,

I just so badly want to get past this part, you know,

and get to the stage where I'm making the most of my time,

and I don't know, flying kites

across Hampstead Heath, or whatever.

Right, first of all, piss off.

Kites?

Shall I tell you what terminally ill people fly kites?

Thinking about it.

Pretend terminally ill people.

Terminally ill people in films.

And let me tell you something else.

Unlike you, they've got plenty of time on their hands

to do whimsical stuff like that,

because they don't spend most of their time

sitting on their asses, fighting The Bullshit in hospital.

So what you're saying is, I'm not really in a...

In a position?

I'm saying there is no right way to do this.

And we're going to find your way.

Okay? [laughs]

Okay.

[laughter]

This crying has got to stop!

I'm gonna dissolve! [laughs]

It will.

But not today.

[laughter]

[Lisa] Thanks, mate.

[Therapist] How are you feeling in yourself?

I'm a little better.

[Therapist] Getting any more sleep?

Yeah.

A bit more than I have been.

I'm feeling less panicky.

Brilliant, so, do you feel more in control?

Is that...

Is that something that's happened?

Are you doing anything differently?

I have.

I've been writing down passwords for things.

For paying bills online, and my email.

Or I keep imagining the scenario in which

the wireless router needs resetting,

and I hadn't left Pete with the instructions

of how to do it.

Are you blogging about it?

The router?

Your fear of death.

No, I'm British.

We just don't talk about death, do we?

[soft music plays]

But I do miss the blog.

Not 'cause I feel like writing,

I don't.

It was for me.

It was for making sense of things.

But you can't make sense of this, can you?

But I do miss it.

'Cause whatever it was that was happening before,

even when my life was on hold, in fact,

especially when my life was on hold,

was it gave me a purpose.

And the thing is, I still need a purpose.

I keep waiting for the morning

when I don't feel it all rushing up

towards me, you know?

Or I do, I do feel that, but then there's still something

that I want to get out of bed for.

Yeah.

That's when I'll know I've turned a corner.

Well, like a big project?

Yeah, dad, I'm gonna swim the Channel.

All right, sarky sod.

Though knowing you, I wouldn't put it past you.

No, no, no big projects,

I just, I want to do what it is I do,

you know, what I've always done.

Like watch Coronation Street, paint my toenails,

talk about what we're having for tea,

argue about which box set we're gonna watch.

Normal stuff.

Yeah.

[Ian] Hmm.

[phone chimes]

Replying to emails.

[Ian] Oh, I can see you're raring to go on that one.

Oh, it's just that every text, call, and email I get

is people asking how I am,

and saying that they're thinking about me.

I know that sounds really ungrateful,

but it's suffocating, you know?

Bet there's a fair few grief trolls among them.

Oh, hello, who's this?

Mom, how do you know that phrase?

The internet, obviously.

You know, there always were grief trolls.

I mean, you only have to go down the shopping centre,

and certain people, if they've heard something's wrong,

make a beeline for you.

Do you know, the only people I can really talk to,

and never ask questions or mention health,

is Kris, Anya, and Ellie?

You know, the three girls I met online?

We've got secondaries as well.

Maybe Miles, I've got Brandon sending me eulogies,

this is somebody that I worked with years ago,

didn't even like me.

Well, don't answer.

Well, I have to, or she'll think I've cocked it.

Hey, come here!

Hey!

[Ian] I could deal with that one.

What are you doing?

What is it, reply?

Oh well, I'll just hit reply.

"Dear so-and-so, B-A-C-O-N," send.

-[phone beeps] -There you are.

No, you did not send that!

It's an answer, it's telling her it's an answer,

I'm still here, but I'm not chatting to you,

thank you very much!

There you are!

Only bother with people who are helpful to you.

You know, you have things to do,

and they have to let you get on with it.

Don't understand that, well then, excuse me, bugger them.

[laughter]

Bacon.

Right.

Who's up for hottest curry South London's got to offer?

Balti Kashmir chicken, vegetable biriyani, naan bread-

And saag aloo, and to follow!

I know what will follow if I eat all that, I tell you.

Oh, Ian!

The entire first season of West Wing.

[Jane] [laughs] For goodness sake!

[Ian] Yeah, all right.

I'm in.

[Ian] Okay, then.

Only fools and horses, perhaps.

[indistinct chatter]

How would you feel about stopping treatment for a bit?

Why?

Is it not working?

On the contrary, it is working.

It's working really well.

Now, the cancer has done what the cancer has done,

and there's no way for us to reverse that, yeah?

But we put you on this course of treatment to stabilise you,

and that is exactly what has happened.

You've gone from this,

to this.

So...

What exactly does that mean?

It means you deserve a break.

Take a couple of months off.

And then we'll see where we're at.

A couple of months?

And no chemo?

[Doctor] No chemo.

No coming in here. [laughs]

It sounds like I've-

Go on holiday.

Do whatever you want to do.

Really? [laughs]

[Doctor] Yeah.

Two months enjoying yourselves.

Go on, get out of here, I want to see the back of you.

[laughter]

[soft music plays]

[Lisa sighs]

Feels kind of normal to be here.

I love it.

It's weird.

Do you think we'll be okay?

Yeah.

They're really happy with you, and-

No, I mean,

it's gonna be new, isn't it?

You know, we've had our routine,

hospital days, recovery days.

You're nervous.

Yeah. [laughs]

Me too.

Oh!

So nice to be out.

I know.

You look different.

How?

Like a boyfriend person.

Less like a carer person.

[Lisa laughs]

[kisses]

[Lisa clears throat]

Do you want another beer?

No, no, no, no.

We are having champagne.

[Lisa sighs]

So, how does the queen size room compare

to the king size room?

They are looking to price two first class tickets

to New York.

Yeah, Lisa Jane Lynch.

30th of August, 1979.

Yeah.

Cancer.

[Lisa mimics buzzer]

Denied.

America doesn't want us.

Well, they love you, apparently,

but they're not having any of me.

I am uninsurable, apparently.

Shit!

Though some kind soul did say she could pull some strings.

Get me covered for 36,000.

-Pounds? -Uh-huh.

For the week?

For four days.

So that was a long shot.

Think she was just being nice, bless her.

Babe, I wasn't even that bothered.

Do you know that?

I think we felt under pressure to go

and do something amazing.

No.

[water swirls]

I did want to go.

But I don't want to anymore.

[door slams]

We are going to Spain.

[insects chirping]

[birds chirping]

[soft music plays]

[kisses]

[water laps]

Can you splash the water?

[speaks baby talk]

Like this. [mimics music]

Super baby!

Super baby!

Super baby! [laughs]

[speaks baby talk]

[baby coos]

[Pete whistles]

Afternoon. [laughs]

Hello.

[kisses]

Did you still want me to go to the supermarket?

Yes, please, I would like a Lilo with a drinks holder,

and some of those funny-shaped crisps.

Looking fit.

[loud splash]

Hey!

That was silly daddy!

Arseface, tell him how.

[Pete] I love you.

See you in a bit.

Mwah!

* Cause I love summer no Rachel Bilson *

* Yes, the winter will come *

* We just have parties inside it's still fun *

* We're jammin', pump this, we're bangin' *

* Change your boyfriend, let's have him *

* We're rowdy, girls make our judgement cloudy *

* But when the sun comes out we're still alcys *

* We don't wanna be lousy or shameless *

* But we're running 'round like we're brainless *

* Now I've got grass stains on my brand new white trainers *

Oh!

[Pete] You're disturbing the neighbours.

I was quite enjoying it, though.

I'm a good rapper, aren't I?

No.

[water splashes]

[laughter]

[insects chirping]

[chair scrapes]

She likes that Lama.

Yeah, she really does.

Small doses, though, you know.

She'll have the iPad out next, and she'll be on

to the Daily Mail sidebar.

[phone chimes]

Hey, babe.

What's wrong?

[Lisa] Sorry to call you at work.

[Pete] It doesn't matter.

What is it?

[Lisa] Remember Anya?

Of course.

Jazz pianist from Brighton who recommended

the cream for your ass. [laughs]

[Lisa] [laughs uncomfortably] She died.

It was me, her, Kris and Ellie.

All bloggers, always secondaries,

all in the same leaky boat.

She's the first.

I'm coming home.

[kisses]

[kisses]

[waves rushing]

[sea birds chirping]

[Ellie] Lisa!

Ellie, Kris!

["Darkness Descends" by Laura Marling plays]

[Ellie] We made it.

* You're holding bits of styrofoam *

* With your face painted on to your friends *

Hi!

We did it!

We made it!

[laughter]

* You listen to them whine and moan *

* About everything you can't understand *

* Can I just say I don't fear the light *

* But darkness descends once more into my life *

* And suddenly we're all alone in silence *

* So I take a step away *

Oh God, I hate some of this stuff

that they come out with!

You've got to turn a negative into a positive.

I hate that.

Yeah, that's annoying, but kind of true.

Yeah, it's true.

My cat died of that.

No.

My cat actually died of breast cancer.

No, no one said that, did they actually say that to you?

Actually, yeah.

You don't look ill.

But you don't. [laughs]

Well, no.

-[laughter] -You don't!

I hate everything happens for a reason.

What do you have, Ellies?

Oh come on, this was the plan.

In fact, yes, yes!

Yes, yes it was.

Okay.

[laughter]

[Lisa] I'm gonna be hammered.

Will you help me, I'll be wobbling with me stick.

[Kris] Jesus.

Okay.

[Kris] To Anya.

To Anya.

[glasses klink]

[soft music plays]

Oh God! [laughs]

[laughs] It goes down nice, doesn't it?

That's good.

All right, should we go to the pier?

One more.

Oh! [laughs]

[Ellie] One more!

[Lisa] Yes, for Anya, come on.

[Ellie] Okay, to Anya.

[glasses klink]

And life.

To life.

Oh!

[Kris coughs]

[Lisa coughs]

Okay.

Pier, yes?

But I need a wee, so...

Probably gonna be sunset by the time we get there.

We might need a torch. [laughs]

I think I'm gonna need your walking stick now.

[laughter]

[everyone grunts, kisses]

[Lisa] We'll speak later, yeah?

Yeah!

[Ellie] Are you sure you're gonna be all right?

Yeah, I'll be fine, Pete's on his way.

Okay.

Bye.

Thank you for the best day!

[laughter]

[Lisa sighs]

I started this blog for me, because I'm a selfish sod,

And writing's how I sort out how I feel about things.

["Powder Blue" by Elbow plays]

[Jane] Ian!

[Lisa] But I haven't half met some amazing people

in the process.

One of them, Anya, died last week,

and today, I've been toasting her life.

Trust me, a cup of tea just wouldn't cut it.

But holding up a snifter of whiskey felt right.

I don't want you to go reading too much into this post,

but grief is hardly something you can rehearse.

I'm just saying,

there's a lot to celebrate.

* Your eyes are just like black spiders *

* Your hair and dress in ribbons *

* Babycakes *

* In despair or incoherent, nothing in between *

* China white, my bride tonight *

* Smiling on the tiles *

* Bring that minute back *

* We never get so close as when *

* The sunward flight begins *

* I share it all with you *

* Powder blue, oh *

* Stumble through the crowds together *

* They're trying to ignore us *

* That's okay *

* I'm proud to be the one you hold... *

[whooshing]