Original subtitles

And in a few moments we'll be taking you over to our London studios

where a famous visitor from eastern Europe is waiting.

Boris Kartovski, a man who's mission to this country has been headline news for the past few days.

Mr. Kartovski's untiring efforts to bring about a better understanding between east and west

have deservedly earned him the title, The Peacemaker.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are pleased and proud to welcome Boris Kartovski.

Good evening.

I have been asked here this evening to tell you, quite informally, the purpose of my mission to this country.

It is simple.

To seek and create a better understanding between east and west.

I think, I hope, I may have succeeded.

My talks with your ministers of state have been fruitful.

Particularly fruitful.

I have been overwhelmed and warmed by my reception here.

By the eagerness with which the hand of friendship has been extended.

And on behalf of my country I have grasped it, gratefully.

Now my greatest wish is that with a better understanding we will find a new attitude between our countries.

A union, a friendship, and finally, peace.

You were saying about Kartovski.

Packed his bags, went back across the wall, closed the door behind him.

Well, wouldn't you?

Humiliated in front of ten million viewers.

They're not going to be able to hush it up this time.

This time?

Well, there have been other incidents.

Sneezing powder at government receptions, plastic spiders in an ambassador's soup,

and something quite outrageous in a diplomat's bed.

Nowhere seems to be sacrosanct now, not even the House of Lords.

Whoopi cushion under the wool sack.

Some of them took it as a vote of censure.

It's all very childish.

But very damaging.

You're expecting trouble, so that's why we're here.

It's over an oil treaty, isn't it?

If anything goes wrong... - Nonsense, what could go wrong?

So much for the oil treaty.

A pretty poor joke.

Pretty expensive, too. Fifty million pounds in oil concessions - phut!

Have you any idea whose behind these incidents?

There's one likely suspect, the Honourable John Claverly Cartney.

Whenever one of these functions misfires, the Honourable John is usually in the vicinity,

either before, during, or just after the event.

I think I'll look up one or two of his friends: Lord Darcy, for instance.

What about the Honourable John?

I'll leave him to you.

Come in, Darcy.

We're quite alone.

You can talk.

I tried the door, and I heard you playing.

Mrs. Peel. Mrs. Emma Peel.

Mrs.?

I've come here to appeal to you, Mr. Cartney.

You certainly do that.

A charity appeal, Mr. Cartney.

John.

Would you like a drink, Mrs. Peel?

No, thank you.

You were saying.

I'm making up a charity list. I like to feel I have your support.

You have it. Five hundred guineas?

Mr. Cartney! - A thousand.

Your eyes have a remarkable depth.

Will you dine with me tonight?

A thousand guineas is most generous.

Tomorrow night?

I'll pick you up whenever you say.

I'm sorry, I'm busy.

But I should be most grateful for your donation... now.

Remarkable depth.

Sure you won't change your mind?

I could order in at the Chor du Seinne.

Catch a plane to Paris this afternoon, dinner'd be waiting for us.

I am busy, but thank you.

For the donation.

By the way, what the devil am I contributing to?

A home for wayward girls.

John! Oh, I thought you were alone.

May I present Mrs. Peel, Lord Darcy.

How do you do? - How do you do?

John... - Yes. yes, of course.

Will you excuse us a moment? Some rather dreary business about the estate.

I was leaving, anyway.

Well, Darcy.

I went to the jolly old place John. I did everything you said.

Then it's all arranged.

Yes. Arranged.

There, Willy'll tell you, there was no hitch at all, no trouble.

Good. Excellent. You've done well, Darcy.

Thank you, John.

Better go. We'll meet later.

I say, it's going to be quite a joke, isn't it?

Oh, yes. Quite a joke.

Horace?

Horace!

Well, how do I look?

Oh, lovely sir, really lovely.

Will you be back for dinner, sir?

I couldn't say.

I'll be back later this evening, that's all I can tell you.

Right, sir.

Hey!

Rubber Scissors. What do you make of them?

Well, I couldn't make a paper dolly.

How did you get on with Cartney?

He gave me a cheque for a thousand guineas.

Really?

Charity donation.

Oh. Generous.

And handsome. And dynamic. Very compelling.

Quite fascinating.

We got on rather well.

And whilst you were agog with each other, did you find out anything else?

No.

Well, there was an entry in his diary which didn't quite make sense.

What was that?

It said, "today, 4:30, friendship".

Friendship?

The Hall Of Friendship, dedicated to peace between nations.

Of course. And it's being opened today.

At 4:30.

Some bigwig is due to cut the tape.

And there too just, just coming into the picture.

The ceremonial scissors which his excellency will soon use to cut this tape,

and declare this fine new building open.

Help! I've lost the picture.

The aerial. - Oh.

Those are the ceremonial scissors especially forged for this occasion.

Made from steel wrested from the foothills of Wales.

How much further is it? - About half a mile.

Well it's starting.

Let's hope we get there in time to stop it.

This hall,

this great Hall Of Friendship falls quiet as the scissors are taken to his Excellency.

And he accepts.

In a few moments it will be over.

In a few moments hid Excellency will cut the tape and formally declare this Hall open.

One cannot fail to be moved by the solemnity of the occasion.

And finally he moves to the tape.

He pauses.

The introductions and speeches are over.

And we are nearing the big moment.

And now, the scissors are raised, and...

His Excellency has fallen. A gush of sparks.

There's something wrong, people are running in.

We are returning you to the studio.

Well, it's no joke any more.

Mr. Darcy.

Lord!

You're all wet.

Here, you'd better get this off.

There you are, sir. Catch a nasty chill that way.

You're soaked right through, sir.

You been walking in the rain?

Couldn't you find a taxi, then?

Don't you worry, sir. A nice cup of cocoa.

You all right, sir?

I'll have that cocoa for you in a jif.

Give me the phone.

Hello. - John. Darcy here.

Look, I must see you.

No, Darcy, no, I'm afraid I can't. I'm rather busy.

But I must.

Look, Darcy, I told you, I'm busy. I'm...

No, I'm afraid it can't wait.

Look, Darcy, if you have a complaint to make, bring it up at the proper time, at the meeting tonight.

There we are, sir. A nice cup of steaming hot cocoa.

Take it away. - Sir?

I'm going out, to my club. - I'll iron your costume, sir.

Not that club. My club in town.

Take the rest of the evening off. - Yes, sir.

Darcy and Cartney, they're both involved.

Well, we don't know for sure that they are.

I think I'll find Darcy, try to get him talking.

You exert your feminine wiles on Cartney.

All right.

Now.

I have to get ready.

Oh, Johnny...

You're insatiable, aren't you?

You don't have to go just yet.

I've told you, darling, when I say we do something,

we do it.

Lord Darcy, isn't it?

Of course it is. Nice to see you again.

You remember we met at that excruciating house party given by lady (unintelligible).

Six of her ladyship's corgis savaged Samori's plum tree

as he tried to coax some bees out of the asparagus beds with his flute.

Last year.

Oh yes, I think so. - Thought you would.

I hope you don't mind my saying so, but you really don't look up to par.

What have you been up to?

Eh? Eh?

I'm looking for Mr. Cartney.

He isn't here. I'll tell him you called.

I'd rather wait if you don't mind.

I'm afraid he's busy. He won't have time to see you.

He's expecting me.

Mrs. Peel.

This is a surprise. - Half expecting.

This is Miss Bradley. - How do you do?

If you're busy... - No, no, no, not at all.

There's no reason why you shouldn't stay on.

It might amuse you to see the fun.

It's a sort of club that I helped to form. We're meeting here tonight.

What sort of club?

Well, it's um, slightly unusual.

Why don't you come along and see.

I ought not to be telling you this.

You can trust me, after all we're old friends, aren't we?

It was a joke. Rubber scissors.

It was just a joke. - You were supposed to change the scissors.

No. No, that was Willy's job.

My part in it was just to get him in there.

How did you manage that?

I've got an Uncle, on the committee.

I pinched his keys.

My job was to get Willy into the place.

It was only supposed to be a joke.

I never intended anybody to get killed.

Of course not, but why did you play the joke in the first place?

What was the idea behind it?

Darcy. Why did you play the joke?

Oh, I had to. Everyone has to.

It's one of the rules, of the club.

Club? What club?

The Hellfire Club.

Hellfire?

Gentlemen.

Hellfire! - Hellfire!

May it scorch and singe!

Burn and boil!

Sieve and scald!

Combust and crackle!

Until we are inflamed!

Roasted! - Toasted!

Grilled! - And cauterized!

Until your bones crumble into that demoniac heat.

That fire. That Hades.

That realm of Pluto.

That unblessed limbo.

That purgatory.

That pit.

That Tartarus.

Gentlemen. Hellfire!

Hellfire!

Let the wenching begin!

Ah, Cartney. What have you there?

A new wench for our pleasure?

This is my guest of honour for the evening.

My lords Cartigan, Ragsland, and Leyton.

Ma'am, I pledge this good steel to thee.

Prithee sit down.

Pray, sit down.

Oh, Willy, you are ill mannered.

Preston, would you care to teach him better manners.

Willy's our champion duellist. Sabres, swords, pistols.

He's come through quite a few skirmishes.

Haven't you, Willy?

Prithee sit down, Ma'am.

That's terribly kind of you.

Must be an awful nuisance. - Not at all.

You'd do the same for me.

I don't suppose you'd ever need it. You don't go making a silly ass of yourself,do you?

Now, you just get some rest.

Steed, you don't think I had anything to do with that murder, do you?

No, I think you were duped.

You know Steed, talking to you has helped me a lot.

It's shown me what I have to do.

I'm very grateful. - We'll talk about that later.

First, I'll fix you up with my patented hangover cure.

I call it national anthem.

It'll soon gets you on your feet.

Now, one dose of this and you'll...

I try to recreate exactly the days of the original Hellfire Club.

The same atmosphere, excitement, and of course, the same pleasures.

A man controlled his destiny by the strength of his arm,

the skill of his sword, and the wit of his pen.

And the divine right of his birth.

And women?

Oh, mere vessels of pleasure.

I see.

Do I detect a note of disapproval.

Cartney.

Cartney! I want to see you, Cartney.

Well, see me then.

You used me.

You planned the whole thing that way.

The rubber scissors were just an excuse.

Shut up! - I'm not going to shut up.

We're going to talk about it.

All right. But at the proper time.

I'll call a special meeting.

Now.

A special meeting of the superior members is called.

Pray excuse me mum.

You realize what it means to challenge an assembly of superiors.

Superiors. A lot of nonsense.

The complainant will stand on the circle of justice.

Oh, all right.

But if you think I'm going to...

The assembly of superiors is now convened.

The complainant will please state his name.

You know my name.

The complainant will please state his name.

Look, I'm not playing any more of your silly games.

I just want an explanation, that's all.

Why you, and Cartney, and the rest of you,

plotted a murder.

A filthy, rotten murder.

And involve me.

Well?

Why?

I just thought I'd give you a chance to say something.

Before I went to the authorities and told them the truth.

Well?

Why?

All right then.

He wasn't at all a bad chap.

Misguided mayhap.

He was drowned.

They did it, I'm sure of it.

Cartney and his superior members.

What about this club?

Well, it's a recreation of the original Hellfire club.

On the surface it's innocent enough, dressing up, play acting.

But beneath the surface... - When can I join?

Right now, perhaps.

Mrs. Peel. - He came to pay his last respects.

You knew Lord Darcy? - A passing acquaintance.

Tragic accident.

Yes. - I did warn him about it.

But he wouldn't do it. - Bad timing, too.

He was just about to introduce me to your club.

I told Mr. Steed you'd be sure to agree.

Well, you could present yourself to the assembly here tonight.

We'll see what they say, Mr. Steed.

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen!

The first thing on the agenda is the initiation of a new member.

Do we know him? - Mrs. Peel does.

Well, that's good enough for me.

Yes, but he still has to undergo an examination.

Of course, of course. Who is he, anyway?

Steed. John Steed.

He's waiting outside. Willy, would you?

Mr. Steed.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Welcome to Hellfire Hall.

Do you still wish to become a member of this illustrious club?

I do indeed.

Are you aware of its functions?

More or less, I think.

We believe in the power of evil, Mr. Steed.

We believe in the ultimate sins.

Have you ever committed an ultimate sin, Mr. Steed?

No, but I'm always open to suggestions.

Give our guest a drink.

The goblet we reserve for our special guests.

Right-o.

Up to the brim, Willy.

You mustn't let our guest think we are ungenerous, perish the thought.

Mr. Steed, it is customary for us to drink a toast upon the introduction of a new member.

We drain our glasses, to its glory.

Hellfire!

Hellfire! Hellfire!

Gentlemen.

Do you mind?

The drive down seems to have given me quite a thirst.

Thank you.

Splendid. Splendid.

Yes, you've achieved a measure of popularity already.

Good. All that remains is for me to welcome you as a member of the Hellfire club.

Absolutely. - How do you do?

Once you've passed the ultimate test.

Now look, Cartney, we don't normally have... I mean...

I'm sure Mr. Steed won't object to another test.

Not at all.

Whatever it may be.

Whatever it may be.

Fetch it.

Observe.

A single, solitary, dried pea.

Roger is somewhat of an expert with that.

His accuracy and speed is something to marvel at.

Watch.

Ready?

Now!

An impressive performance.

Very. - Fast and accurate.

Terribly accurate. Do you think you can beat him?

Do you think you can remove the pea before the axe falls?

That is the test. When I give the signal.

Personally, I think Roger is unbeatable.

So does Willy. He tried it once.

For a bet.

But you might be luckier.

Remove that, before...

Exactly.

Now you know what the test is, perhaps you'd like to withdraw?

Ah, no, no, no.

Are you ready, Roger?

Are you ready?

Um, when I give the signal.

Now!

Well done.

Do you mind?

I could use this in my whistle.

Thank you very much indeed.

Very clever, very clever, Mr. Steed.

Welcome to the club.

It's a pleasure to join.

That I should have tried myself.

Congratulations, Steed, you're one of us now.

Thank you. - Tomorrow is the night of all sins.

Night of all sins!

Yes, I hope we'll see you.

Couldn't keep me away.

Now gentlemen, let's get on with something much more serious.

The final item on the agenda.

So far, our plan of anarchy is taking effect.

We have successfully embarrassed the government,

caused a great deal of unrest within it,

and what is more important, upset negotiations.

So far, so good.

The time has come for something much more important.

A coup, so outrageous that the whole country will be up in arms.

It is simple, direct, and deadly.

And will be put into operation tomorrow evening.

Tomorrow evening? But that's the night of...

Exactly.

Our activities here will cover up the whole operation.

I'll give you the details then.

Make sure you're here at least half an hour before our guests arrive.

Your box, intact, save for a pinch or two.

Aren't you ready yet, Steed?

Just coming, Mrs. Peel.

First time I've had to wait for a man to get ready.

You're judging man by twentieth century standards.

Now, if twere 200 years ago.

Odds bodingtons. - Stuff me vitals.

This is what the well dressed rake is wearing this year.

I shall have to retain an upright posture all evening.

May I say you're uncommon handsome, ma'am, uncommon handsome.

Thank you, sir. Steed, what's going to happen tonight?

The night of all sins, something big is brewing, something big.

Ooh...

More, more more, more!

Away with you.

I'm glad I haven't got the apartment upstairs.

Sarah, come. - Tommy, no.

Seen anything suspicious? - No, not... suspicious.

Sarah, Cartney's ex, might know something.

Where is Cartney?

I haven't seen him.

Steed.

Follow that chair.

There are enough explosives in the catacombs to sink a battleship.

So glad you could both come.

And you're looking very attractive.

But not quite right for what I had in mind for you.

Oh?

Let these ladies in waiting take you away and put on something more appropriate.

Oh, but I'd much rather...

Enjoying yourself? - Well, I was.

There you are. I thought you'd run off and left me.

Everybody runs off and leaves me.

But you won't, really. You'll look after me.

Yes, I'll look after you.

Oh, it's fabulous, isn't it?

And zat... an exact rep... replica of the original Hellfire club.

In more ways than one.

That's what John says.

Cartney? What'd he say?

I told you. Enzat...

An exact replica of the Hellfire club.

In more ways than one. What did he mean by that?

You were saying, about the Hellfire club.

Oh, you dance divinely.

Sarah, what did John say about the club?

Now, you must know about the original Hellfire club.

It was formed in 1759, indulged in activities like this,

attracted all the most influential men of the time...

became political, powerful, and for a while the Hellfire club controlled the whole country.

Topple the government, then take over.

That's what John says.

Oh, you're too intellectual.

I want a drink.

Did John say how he meant to topple the government?

Oh, I told you.

Tunnels. Under here. Catacombs and tunnels.

Well, one of them leads to Calverston House.

Now, you must heard of that.

Oh yes, I've heard of that. There's a cabinet meeting there tonight.

Not for long.

One big bang, and they'll all be gone. - Excuse me.

My lords. Ladies and gentlemen.

Midnight approaches. The witching hour!

And as a sign of that hour. As a symbol of all that is evil.

As the epitome and purveyor of this night of sins.

I give you, the queen of sin.

Mrs. Peel!

She is yours.

To do with, what you will.

Whoops!

Here, it's the man. - What man, Horace?

The man who broke into Lord Darcy's flat.

He's right, you know.

Gentlemen, it appears we have a spy in our midst.

You know the penalty for spies.

But never let it be said we lack a sense of fair play.

You'll be given a chance, against Willy here.

The choice of weapons is yours.

Feather dusters at 400 yards.

Swords.

The choice of time is yours. - Right now.

Here. - No holds barred.

Without interference. - To the death.

The terms are agreed, then.

Horace will be your second, I'm sure. - Thank you.

With pleasure, sir.

Tubby.

To the death, Mr. Steed.

No holds barred.

Very impressive.

Now, what are you like with the big boys?

Can't really beat this mode of travel, can you?

Definitely can't beat it.

That damn horseless carriage.

Just a fad.

Can't possibly last.

Giddy up, giddy up.

subtitles: rick@peoplesguidetothecosmos.com