Original subtitles

[cheerful music]

You didn't tell them that it was my birthday, did you?

Monica: No. - Oh, good.

I hate it when they bring that little cake

with the candle on it.

I think it's nice, birthdays are fun.

[sighs] I've always dreaded birthdays.

They remind me I'm another year older and still alone.

You're not alone now.

Monica: Happy birthday, Mr. Becker.

[glass clinks]

Happy doesn't begin to describe

the way you make me feel.

Becker: And for the first time in my life, I feel like

I really have something to celebrate.

These last few weeks together, is...

I never knew that it could be like this.

Becker: The way you look at me, the way you make me feel.

How do I make you feel?

Naked. [chuckles]

Like everybody in the room can see me.

Well, try to keep your clothes on...

at least till we get home.

[laughter on background]

[both chuckle]

[dog barking]

[clinks on door]

[door closes]

[clears throat]

Why don't you stay here...

and take off your clothes?

I need a minute to get ready.

Mm, mm, sounds exciting.

[chuckles] Mm!

[smacking lips]

It will be, I promise.

One minute.

[smacking lips]

[saxophone music]

[rattling]

[rustling]

[thud]

[zipper screeches]

[music continues]

[footsteps]

Becker: You ready?

Monica: It's your birthday, counselor.

Turn on the light.

I want to see you in your birthday suit.

[clicks on switch]

All: Surprise! - Ah!

[laughing]

[cackling]

- You got me. Stuart: Got you.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

[engines rustling]

[paper rustling]

[indistinct chattering]

Abby: I have a friend who is here for divorce.

Oh, Rox, I uh...

finally got to your tax return,

we're gonna have to sit down, okay?

- Is it okay? - Well, we'll talk.

Why don't you catch me right after the staff meeting?

[clinks on door]

- Hey. - Hi, Stuart.

Becker: People, before we get to started,

I'd like to say to all of you who participated

in my surprise party last night,

[inhales] from the heart of my bottom... thank you.

It was one of the most memorable birthdays

I've ever had and...

I will long remember it.

Well, we will remember it long too.

[all chuckle]

And I'm gonna get you for this.

Brackman: Pressing forward, Ms. Kelsey,

what is Julius Goldfarb a.k.a.

Salamander versus Harris Productions inc.?

Julius is an actor who played

the comic book character Salamander

in the short lived 1981

TV series of the same name.

Isn't this the guy who slithers up walls and

lashes at villains with his whip like tongue?

Ann: The very one. Anyway, Mr. Goldfarb

has been eking out a modest living

and making promotional appearances at schools,

supermarkets, shopping malls

in his Salamander suit.

Harris Productions is attempting to enjoin him

from any further use of the name or likeness of the character

because they are going to do a remake of the TV series

and they want to cast a different actor.

Need I ask why we are representing this reptile?

Apparently he's Ralph Michigan's nephew.

What can I say?

Say no more.

Victor, welcome back from Worcester, Mass.

Thanks.

Brackman: Where do we stand with

the Byron Debeque will contest?

Hey, it's getting kind of hairy, Doug.

One of the twins Holly, now says that she left home

because Debeque's fatherly love for them

had suddenly taken a turn towards the incestuous.

What's that got to do with Tina Benici?

Well, Holly says and the other twin doesn't deny

that this was all Tina's idea.

Sifuentes: That, as the old man's dominatrix,

she got him hooked on cocaine

and she was planning to video tape them all at a family orgy.

Well, family that plays together stays together.

Honestly, this is the sickest thing I've ever heard.

Yeah, it's not a pretty picture.

So what's next, Victor?

Well, I'm gonna be here until Wednesday

and then I'm gonna fly down to Cabo San Lucas

to meet with a man by the name of Carlos Ramon Garza.

Who owns the fishing boat that the twin spent three weeks on

with the mystery lover boy from the Reagan administration.

Brackman: Keep us posted.

Sifuentes: I will, Doug, I will.

Oh, speaking of orgies,

I'm sorry that I missed your birthday party, Arnie.

I hear it was lots of fun.

Becker: It had its high points. - He-ha.

Brackman: Lastly, Stuart,

my phone keeps ringing off the hook

from irate clients upset about their tax returns,

what is going on?

Stuart: Well, it's uh, it's a nightmare, Douglas.

See the revised ten forties are even more complicated this year

than last and the all new 8,000 series is just impossible.

Then there is the omnibus reconciliation act of 1987 which

is designed to close all the loopholes of the tax format 1986

except congress hasn't bothered to pass all the key parts yet.

The net result of which being, is I filed the record number of

extensions and counting fees are up 25 to thirty five percent

and my clients don't know whether to poop green

or jump off a building, that's what's going on.

Any more smart questions?

Brackman: Well...

on that sour note, I think we're adjourned.

Sifuentes: Abby, do you want me to get that?

Abby: Sure.

[phone rings]

Estoppel, now what's this thing? Estoppel?

It means, it may be too late for the producers to stop you.

They knew six years ago that you were going to shopping malls

dressed as the Salamander, they never said anything.

They didn't authorize it either.

It doesn't matter, you relied on their acquiescence.

I think we're gonna win.

[sighs] I can't thank you enough, Ms. Kelsey

for... taking over the case at the last second like this.

Julius: You've given me some real hope.

Hey, I'm a lawyer, you're a reptile.

Consider this a professional courtesy.

You know, lots of people...

think I'm... looney to do this.

But being the Salamander,

it gives me pleasure.

And it seems to bring pleasure to a lot of other people.

Especially the children.

Julius: I don't know too many jobs that can do that.

Neither do I.

Kelsey: 10:00 tomorrow morning,

in court, wear a tie.

I'll be there and thanks again.

[phone rings]

- Mr. Goldfarb? - Yes.

I have a big fan of yours who'd like to meet you.

Certainly, and you are?

B-- Benny Stulwicz.

Very nice to meet you, Benny.

Oh, uh, I see you on TV.

I like when you climb those walls.

[phone rings]

Would you like me to show you...

how I do that?

[gasps]

Yeah.

[chuckles]

Can we go somewhere private because

we can't let everybody else see.

- Would that be alright? - Sure.

Oh, we can go to the file room.

Onward ho.

I'm-- I'm going to the file room with the Salamander.

[Abby and Kelsey chuckle]

[paper rustling]

[phone rings]

[knocks on door]

- Yep. - Heh.

I feel like I'm waiting for test results back from the doctor.

You got a tax problem, a big one.

How big?

Well, you owe the IRS

eleven thousand and change.

What?

And an additional 3,500 to the state.

- Tha-- that's impossible. - No, no, it's not.

It's based on an annual income of ninety one thousand dollars.

[phone rings]

Ninety one thousand?

Yeah, well that's inclusive of your profits

from your little adventure in insider trading.

I gave it back.

Rox, giving it back was the criminal penalty.

The IRS still counts it as taxable income.

[indistinct chatter in background]

[clinks on door]

Stuart... I'm broke.

- I have no assets. - Oh, yeah.

I owe over $4,500 on my credit cards.

Can your family help?

I can't ask them.

Besides, they don't have it to give.

Then your only other realistic options are wage earning plan.

What's that mean?

It's a form of bankruptcy.

Roxanne: Bankruptcy? - Yep.

Absolutely not.

- No. Stuart: Wait a minute.

I am not a failure.

Rox, nobody said you were a failure.

Roxanne: That's what it means. - No, no, no.

What it means is you agree to consolidate your debts,

you agree to pay back your creditors

over a three year period a certain amount on the dollar.

A lot of people do it.

I am not filing bankruptcy, Stuart,

that's final.

Then what are you gonna do?

I'll get the money.

How?

I'm not sure yet.

Get it quick, they are not gonna wait a long time.

[engines revving]

Rent 690, utilities are hundred and eighty-five.

Your fixed expenses are almost 900 a month right there.

You'd be looking at a payment of nearly 500 a month

and unless you plan on not eating for the next five years,

I don't see how you can take on that obligation on your salary.

W-- what if I went with a-- a ten year term,

wouldn't that lower the payment?

No, we can't give ten years on unsecured loans,

it's government regulations.

I don't believe this.

I've been coming here for 11 years.

I financed cars here, I-- I-- I've never missed a payment.

I've never bounced a check.

And you're a valued customer, believe me.

Oh, look, if there was someone who could co-sign

the notice, a means of guarantying the loan.

What you're saying is, I should bring in someone

you can trust because you can't trust me.

You know, if it were up to me, I'd give you the loan.

Who the hell is it up to?

The little man who writes the jingle

saying you're always here when you need it?

Heh. You know these things work on collateral and you have--

You guys are really something.

You didn't need collateral to collect the 18% interest

on my credit card accounts for the last ten years.

I'm sorry, I-- I-- I don't know what to tell you.

How about telling me you'll help me?

How about telling me you'd go to bat for a long-term customer

with some short-term money problems?

My hands are tied unless you get

a co-signer or the situation changes.

If the situation changes

I won't need the money, will I?

[footsteps]

McKenzie: Arnold tells me you and Sheila have reached

a friendly separation agreement.

I can't tell you the enormous unburdening I feel.

Which is not to say some small part of me

isn't mourning the loss of the marriage but...

all that tension and animosity was

crippling my work, my relationships.

I really feel this is a new beginning.

Right.

The four of us spent

the weekend at Esalen.

Rusty, me, Sheila, Gordon.

They had a seminar in the extended family.

Breaking the bondage of sexual jealousy.

Mm, sounds great.

Benny: Help me.

[phone rings]

- Benny. - I'm stuck.

The Salamander didn't show me how to get down.

How long have you been up there?

Couple of hours.

I didn't want to bother anybody.

Well, that's silly, Benny.

You can call us anytime you get stuck to a wall.

Well, you can, come on, let's see if you can get him down.

[groans]

And the evidence will further

show that all rights pertaining

to this fictitious character reside with my client.

The defendant has no right to personify this creature.

And his running around in that costume is ruining

the producer's chance of successfully launching

the remake of the TV series,

which series is entirely based

upon this crime fighting hero.

Richard: The harm is imminent.

The harm is irreparable.

Thank you.

Hmm.

Julius Goldfarb has been making public appearances

as the Salamander ever since

the original television show was canceled.

It has been his livelihood, your honor.

Kelsey: We will show that the plaintiff not only knew of these

appearances, but quietly encouraged them

because the exposure generated by this man

helped promote their comic book sales.

Now, six years later they plan

to do a remake of the TV show

with a new younger actor as the Salamander

and they want to shut Julius Goldfarb down.

But the principle of estoppel says

they can't do this, your honor,

they knew of the appearances.

They sat back while he built an entire career

around this creature and it's too late

for them now to say stop.

Your honor, this man has traveled the country

ten times over, personifying that character,

and the virtues he bestows.

Kelsey: The evidence will show

that Julius Goldfarb is the Salamander.

The evidence will show that Julius Goldfarb

will forever be the Salamander.

No court could ever change that.

No court should ever try.

Kelsey: Thank you.

Edmund: I know it sounds harmless.

A guy running around in leotards

and a tail, who can it hurt?

- The fact is he is hurting us. - How so?

Well, most of the publicity focuses on

his recent eccentricity, his uh...

gratuitous climbing.

We feel that is compromising the integrity of the character.

A character we've invested millions of dollars in.

And you really think his activities

can hurt your upcoming television series?

Oh, definitely, I mean, we're hoping people will tune in

to see a modern day superhero.

Who's gonna watch with people thinking, "Oh, it's that uh,

wimpy little tadpole we saw at the supermarket."

Kelsey: Objection. Judge Donald: Sustained.

I have nothing further.

[footsteps]

You've known all along that he was personifying

this creature, haven't you?

Oh, we've been mildly aware of it but--

Kelsey: Mildly aware.

Didn't you state in an interoffice memo

that Mr. Goldfarb's efforts help sustain

interest in your comic book?

I did say that, yes.

And is it not true that one of the reasons you've

considered doing the remake of the TV show

is the ongoing success of the comic book?

Yes, but--

Well, don't you think it's a little unfair for you

to be here now trying to squash the guy

that helped you spin your hay into gold?

- Objection. - Overruled, you may answer.

Look, this is excruciating for me.

I-- I think the world of Julius,

but, well, this is business.

His crazy antics...

have made our character a joke.

Didn't you say at your deposition...

that Julius Goldfarb is the greatest amphibian

in the history of Hollywood?

And I meant it but--

And at your deposition, Mr. Bates,

you also said...

that whenever you see Julius Goldfarb,

you see one thing.

Kelsey: Tell the court what is that one thing, Mr. Bates.

The Salamander.

I see the Salamander.

Kelsey: No further questions.

[coughs]

Your honor, this is the third lawyer

that Mr. Simonetti has dismissed.

The custody of these three children

is an issue that needs to be resolved.

So let's resolve it now, your honor.

I'll represent myself pro se.

You understand that you're entitled to a continuance

in order to obtain new council.

I'll wave it, defendant is ready.

Bernie: Your honor, you've heard the testimony of witnesses,

you've heard from the parties themselves.

I don't think there's any question

that the most stable and nurturing environment

can be provided by these children's mother.

You know my kids, ah, slick?

Mr. Simonetti, you may be representing yourself

on these proceedings but you will conduct yourself

in the appropriate manner and that means showing this court

the courtesy of addressing your remarks to the bench.

Excuse me, your honor, I just don't see what's so stable

about moving my children 1,500 miles from home.

My client has her whole family in Chicago.

Who my children don't even know.

- Thanks to you. Monica: Mrs. Simonetti?

- I'm sorry. Bernie: Your honor...

I respectfully remind the court that my client

instituted this action only after Mr. Simonetti

had made her life a living hell for years.

You know because you were there, right?

Mr. Simonetti!

Your honor...

I didn't want this divorce. I mean, she dumped me.

It's always about you, isn't it, Dominic?

What about me, huh?

Vickie: What about when you would stay out

for two or three days at a time and not call?

What about the drinking? What about the card games that were

still going on when the kids were leaving for school?

What about I'm a cop? You understood what that meant?

- You're married to a cop. - Not anymore, I'm not.

Bernie: The fact is, your honor, that these two people

have ceased being married in all

but the technical sense for quite some time.

What's that mean, judge? That sounds like lawyer talk.

It means, in addition to isolating himself emotionally,

Mr. Simonetti has been unable to physically have

marital relations with his wife in over a year.

- Hah-ha. She tell you that? Monica: Mr. Simonetti?

Did you tell him that about me?

Yes, I told him that, I told him everything.

Why didn't you just put a bullet in me?

You knew where I kept the guns.

Will the court please instruct Mr. Simonetti

to dispense with histrionics?

You keep talking, you punk bastard.

- I don't forget anything. - That's enough.

Bernie: You're not scaring me, pal,

this isn't some back alley roust.

Monica: Mr. Simonetti, you either control yourself

or I'm gonna throw you out on your ear.

Mr. Lustig, the record will reflect that you are not afraid.

Now, can we all manage to conduct ourselves

as if this is a court of law and not a street fight?

This is no street fight, judge.

Out on the street, they come at you with a knife

or they come at you with a gun, you watch your back

then you got a chance.

In here, they take your secrets.

The time is in the middle of night when you cry like

a little boy because you were scared of dying,

when you felt worthless and weak.

See they feed it all to their lawyers

and then they announce it to the world and suddenly

you're standing there naked and alone.

What do you think it took to get me to do that, Dominic?

How many cop dinners that I have to go home alone from

because you would pick a fight with everyone there

and ended up leaving without me?

How many times that I have to watch you rip apart

the house looking for the microphones that you

thought internal affairs had planted there, hmm?

I mean, how long am I supposed to go on believing

that my husband Dominic is the one righteous deserving man

wronged by the city, by the department,

by the game players intent on denying him

what he is entitled to?

How long am I supposed to be

consumed by that the way you are?

Till death do us apart, baby.

Till death do us apart.

I thought that you handled them very well.

I never know how far to let it go.

Well, it's better let them scream at each other

in the courtroom than duke it out in the hallway.

I'll tell you this.

If I've to spend my entire career

adjudicating divorces, I'd quit the bench.

You get used to it.

I don't want to get used to it.

I want to get away from it.

Funny you should mention that,

you know, I was gonna suggest the following.

Give them your ruling 10:00 Friday morning,

10.30 Friday morning we hop in the car,

zoom up the coast to Big Sur

and we lock ourselves in a room at Ventana's for three days.

With a dozen of my closest friends hiding in the bathroom.

Yeah, speaking of which I got to know...

did Kuzak put you up to it?

He was so persuasive. He's very charming.

He said you did some of that back and forth all the time.

Plus, he made me feel like I was part of your inner circle.

Monica: I was flattered. [gasps]

Tell me the truth, are you mad at me

for exposing you to your colleagues?

Your honor, when I'm with you, I've got nothing to hide.

[chuckles]

If you're not careful, Mr. Becker,

I may fall in love with you.

What do you mean, you haven't yet?

Let's just say, I've taken the motion under advisement.

[rattling]

[saxophone music]

[clinks on door] Arnie?

Oh, Rox, where is the verification

on the Copeland complaint?

It's by the credenza.

Roxanne: Arnie, I need to ask you something.

I'm listening.

I feel terrible asking you this.

And-- and-- and I'll understand if you can't.

But would you be wiling to co-sign a note for me on a loan?

- You're buying a car? - No, I...

I owe the IRS...

fourteen thousand dollars

on the money I made from Jimmy's stock tips.

Oh, boy.

And what about the credit union?

I tried.

Rox, it's really not a great time for me right now.

I'm right on the edge as it is

and my lease option's up after the end of the month.

I'd make all the payments.

That's not the problem, the problem is I'm negotiating

a huge mortgage with the bank, and another encumbrance

is just gonna blow me right out of the water.

[paper rustling]

[clinks]

Do you want me to talk to Brackman?

Maybe the firm can loan you the money.

Arnie, Douglas Brackman wanted to fire me.

He's not going to loan me fourteen thousand dollars.

Roxanne, I've given you two raises over the last ten months.

What are you doing with your money?

- I'm trying to pay my taxes. - It's not just taxes.

Becker: You're talking about litany of debts here, Roxanne.

Of being over extended.

This is an old song that you're singing.

You're barely making it on a six figure income.

You try living on what I make.

I'm not saying it's a fortune, Roxanne, but

you're a single woman with no dependents making

more money than most families make.

Don't talk to me like a little girl,

who spent her allowance on candy.

Roxanne, that is exactly what you did and you're

blaming everybody else for it but yourself.

You have got a hell of a nerve lecturing me

the way you throw your money around.

- I'm not lecturing you. - Look, look, look.

I'll solve my problems by myself, okay?

Becker: Roxanne? - Forget it, Arnie.

[clinks on door]

[thud]

[cheerful music]

[keys clacking]

[knocks on door]

Roxanne: Busy?

I can comeback.

No, no, no, come on in, come on in.

[clinks on door]

I want to ask you about bankruptcy.

Okay, what about it?

What happens?

Markowitz: Well, you go before a public trustee

with a list of your assets

and your creditors and your projected income.

Now basically, you're seeking the protection of the court

in exchange for which you agreed to abide

by a budget and schedule of repayment.

Oh...

Will they make me sell off my jewelry?

Roxanne: Things my mother gave me?

Under Chapter 13, they can't lay a glove on it.

All you got to do is keep up your payments.

How long will it last?

Markowitz: Three years.

Then what?

Then you start fresh, clean slate.

Roxanne: Huh, great.

[gasps]

I'll be 41 years old.

[sniffles] And I won't even have...

fifteen cents to my name.

Look...

I'm not gonna tell you it won't be tough, but...

a lot of people go through this.

A lot of very responsible, very decent hardworking people.

[gasps]

[crying] I'm so humiliated.

It's gonna be okay.

Hey, I said it's gonna be okay.

[dramatic music on TV]

male #1 on TV: Get in there.

[female #1 gasps on TV]

[female #1 groans on TV]

Jump the stairs.

[squeals]

Release that woman.

Scram, Mack, before I break your legs.

I said release her now.

male #1 on TV: Get him, Richie.

[groans]

[music continues]

Oh, no, it's the Salamander.

[whizzing]

[thud]

[rattling]

[hissing]

Okay, you can have her, come on, Richie.

[rattling]

[clinks on door]

Oh, Salamander, you saved me.

female #1 on TV: How can I ever thank you?

Julius on TV: Wait right here, I'll have to go capture them.

Through honesty and justice, virtue shall grow.

Salamander, Salamander,

onward ho!

[footsteps]

[clinks on door]

[clicks on switch]

[clicks on tape]

Now, Mr. Goldfarb,

this is the character that you've continued to play

for the last six years, correct?

I appear about half a dozen times a month in shopping malls,

arcades, occasional bowling alleys.

Did you ever consider any other acting roles?

Oh, sure, but the offers didn't exactly flood in.

Julius: I'm afraid I was a bit typecast.

The producers didn't take me too seriously as an actor.

Would you take another acting part, if it came along?

I'm a little embarrassed to admit it but,

I can't imagine being anything else right now.

Julius, I want you to try to explain to the judge

why this role is so important to you.

Well, it's the kids, mostly.

I mean, I don't have any family or anything, but

wherever I go I-- I have those kids.

By kids, you mean children in general.

It's an amazing thing to be able to entertain children

I mean, I don't have to tell them jokes

or give them presents or anything,

I-- I am the Salamander.

Kelsey: And you'd like to continue as the Salamander?

[Julius chuckles] Believe me I,

I don't travel all over the country in tights

living out of a suitcase for the 15,000 that I pull in.

The ability, the power,

to make a child smile...

to make him happy...

is the most addictive thing that I've ever known.

And what would you do...

if the judge issues this injunction?

God, I have no idea.

I'd like to think that we're all here to do some good.

I mean, you do good as a lawyer,

you as a judge, I think that I do good as the Salamander.

Julius: Fifteen years from now, you probably not even gonna

remember this case, but that little boy that I met

in the mall last week, the little girl on the playground,

talk to them 15 years from now,

they will remember me.

And you know something else?

I'll probably remember them.

No further questions.

Judge Donald: We'll recess till this afternoon.

[clinks]

[thud]

Rox, you've got a visitor.

Who's it? Do you know what he wants?

He just said he's a friend of yours.

[phone ringing]

[indistinct chatter]

Roxanne: David?

What are you doing here?

Hi, Rox. I had business in the building.

I thought I would check in and see how you're doing.

It's really not a great time right now.

David: Actually, I was a little worried.

You never returned any of my phone calls.

Our last date wasn't that bad, was it?

It was fine.

David: So how about dinner sometime?

[rustling] That would be swell.

- Tonight. Roxanne: Well, I can't tonight.

How about tomorrow, 'cause I got to go to Boston

over the weekend and who knows,

I could go down in a plane crash

and you would never get to know the real me.

[indistinct chatter]

I am not above begging, you know.

I just don't want to embarrass you in front of everybody.

[phone ringing]

- Okay. - We're on?

Sure.

So, that's great.

[indistinct chatter]

So... I'll pick you up at 7.30.

[phone ringing]

[indistinct chatter]

Mr. Goldfarb, you've tried to do a little more good

than just making children smile, haven't you?

- I'm not sure I follow. Richard: Let me help you.

You've been picked up by police for questioning

in several different cities, right?

I resent that implication, I have never been arrested.

Uh-huh. The reason you've been stopped and detained

is because you have been seeing wearing that costume in areas

known to be frequented with criminal activity, right?

There's no law against that.

Turning your attention to October 12th 1986,

you tried to stop a liquor store holdup, didn't you?

I saw a crime in progress and yes, I tried to prevent it.

You jumped into the store and started

thrashing the holdup man with your tail.

He was a criminal.

- And you were a Salamander? - Objection.

Julius: It was a citizen's arrest.

Overruled.

Mr. Goldfarb, don't you think running around

in a funny little suit,

taking on real criminals is kind of silly?

Are you calling law enforcement silly?

Yes. When you try to take on a loaded gun.

- With a whip like tongue. - Your honor!

This is ridiculous and unscrupulous.

I'm ridiculing a pathetic little man

who dashes around in a stupid costume shape.

Stupid?

You prance around in tights screaming in--

[bangs table] How dare you?

Mr. Goldfarb.

[cloth rustling]

Judge Donald: Sir.

This suit is the symbol of justice

to millions of Americans, Bub!

You wear it under your clothes?

- I always wear it. Judge Donald: Mr. Goldfarb.

- I am the Salamander! - Julius.

Evil rears its face in all walks, my foe,

even in the guise of plaintiff attorneys.

Am I evil?

Judge Donald: Counselor, please.

Julius.

Julius: You seek to defame me?

You seek to reek humiliation

on the conqueror of injustice?

Huh! Julius!

[hissing]

Mr. Goldfarb, that's quite enough.

Oh, no, the killer tail.

[air diffusing]

Judge Donald: Alright. - Stand back.

- Bailiff! - I said stand back!

Kelsey: Julius, for god sake. Richard: There he goes.

Mr. Goldfarb, this court orders you to come down.

[panting] I'm scaling the walls of justice.

This is justice upon justice.

Come down, now!

- Who was that masked man? Judge Donald: Mr. Goldfarb!

Kelsey: Julius!

Judge Donald: Mr. Goldfarb, I'll have you arrested.

Arrest the Salamander? You're not a judge.

Julius: You're not worthy of the robes you wear.

Julius: No one can, um... - There he is.

[footsteps]

Stay clear of the wall!

[thud]

Richard: Oh! Donald: Get him now.

Wait.

Oh, not to worry!

The Salamander is undaunted!

The Salamander is under arrest. Put him in a holding cell.

One amphibian standing alone in the fight against corruption.

Through honesty and justice virtue shall grow.

Salamander, Salamander, onward ho!

[thud]

[whispers]

[saxophone music]

Because I believe it represents the most stable alternative,

I'm placing custody of the children

with the plaintiff mother.

Monica: I understand this entails

relocation to Chicago...

and while I'm reluctant to see that much distance placed

between a father and his children,

there's no question to my mind

that this is the least disruptive course to follow.

Monica: Needless to say every effort is to be made to permit

Mr. Simonetti to have a presence in his children's lives.

- You know what you're doing? Monica: Sit down, Mr. Simonetti.

You have any idea what you're doing?

I'm ordering you to sit down.

Dominic: You think you control this room, huh? Huh?

Do you think this bailiff gives you that?

This is my court, sir, and I make the rules here.

Return to your seat, sir.

I spend 20 years in the street, are you ready?

Dominic, what are you doing?

You're ready, my man?

Oh!

Dominic: Now listen and listen good. Take your piece out

and put it on the table and slide it to me.

[cocks gun] Do it!

[gasps]

Dominic: Come on.

[rustling]

[clinks]

Now take your stick and put it through those door handles.

And don't get any ideas.

[rattling]

In the future, officer, the first rule of law enforcement

is never give up your piece for anyone.

Come on.

- Hairdo, you hit the alarm yet? - Excuse me?

Doesn't make a difference, just move your desk near the door.

Dominic: Help her, come on, you, hurry it up.

[table screeches]

Move it.

[table rustling]

[thud]

And unplug the phone,

I don't want to talk to any cops.

Dominic: Come on, let's you and me approach the bench, okay?

Approach the bench.

[gasps]

[groans]

Are you scared yet?

Just enough like a back alley routs.

Mr. Simonetti, why are you doing this?

[whimpering]

Why? Well, I'll tell you, judge.

The one human side I had left was being a father.

And you just took that away.

It's not exactly a big surprise the way the things were going.

Which is why in addition to this nine millimeter Beretta

with a 14 shot clip, I brought this.

[suspenseful music]

Vickie: Oh! Dominic: You see.

Dominic: Twelve gauge cut down, loaded with double-o buckshot.

[heavy breathing]

Dominic: Now tell me, judge...

[heavy breathing]

who makes the rules now?

[clinks on gun]

[instrumental music]

I'm sorry. With the salary of 37,000, 50 cents on the dollar

is not going to make it here.

Come on, anything more than that is oppressive.

Look at her living expenses.

I see nothing oppressive about trimming

her $200 a month clothing allowance.

See I work for a law firm and I have to

look right for the clients and--

Well, you gonna have to look right

for little less, $50 a month.

Gene: This health club membership is disallowed too.

You can jog in the park.

Monthly transportation seems high.

Well, the bus costs a dollar twenty, each way.

Sometimes I work late and I have to take cabs.

Ninety dollars is still excessive.

A monthly buss pass is 44 and when you work late,

the firm should pay the cab fare, I'll give you fifty-five,

entertainment expenses, no way.

None of it?

Miss Melman, you're going into bankruptcy here and that means,

the people you owe are not going to be paid.

Your creditors are going to be very upset, justifiably so

and I'm not going to compound their anger

by giving you movie money.

Gene: I'll take your credit cards.

Clerk.

[rustling]

I'll make my recommendation after further review

of your bank statements

and I want a salary verification

from her place of employment as well.

[crackling]

[coughs]

[clinks on door]

[rain splattering]

Doing okay?

[clinks on door]

They confiscated my suction cups.

Let's not worry about your suction cups right now.

Listen, everything is going to be alright.

I mean, people are gonna hear about this

and they're all gonna come out and support me.

Julius: I'm gonna become famous again.

- Julius. - Listen!

I want you to contact my agent 'cause I bet the producers

are trying to get in touch with him, because

I bet they want me for the remake now.

I mean, now that they know that I am the real thing.

Julius, nobody is coming out to support you.

Nobody is calling your agent.

Kelsey: The producers just want you to go away

and it's the cinch they will get the court to back them up.

Listen to me... the hospital wants to commit you.

I'm telling you as your lawyer, if they think you can't

distinguish between your real self

and that crime fighting creature,

they're gonna get you locked up.

Kelsey: You understand me, Julius?

[rain splattering]

Please, Julius, give up the Salamander.

It doesn't exist.

You have to forget about it now

for your own sake, you have to now.

[thunderclaps in distance]

[gasps] Then I have nothing.

[rain splattering]

I have nothing forever.

[thunderclaps]

What am I gonna do?

This is the only thing that I know.

[sobs] This is the only thing that I am.

[sobbing]

[gasps]

Dominic: Twenty-one years of kicking ass

and taking names and I'm still on patrol.

Twenty-one years waiting into the projects and the streets

to stare down whacked out the generates.

Who thought they were King Kong.

Twenty-one years of bringing them in

only to see geniuses like you turn them loose again.

Dom?

What, honey? What is it?

I want you to stop this.

- Oh, do you? Vickie: Yes, I do.

Tell me...

you and your lawyer been playing around, huh?

Oh, Dominic.

Dominic: Oh, no, I know you've been going out.

I just want to know if it's been with him.

I mean, you spend all this time together.

He understood what you were going through.

Dominic: You caught him staring at you, you stared back, huh?

Bingo! What a thrill to be single again instead of

married to some burnt out wreck of a cop.

You're crazy, Dominic.

Yeah. All cops are crazy.

Comes from having eyes in back of their heads.

Cops, cops, cops!

God, I am sick to death

of hearing about cops.

Just what is it that makes you think you're so special?

Only another cop knows the answer to that, baby.

Another cop? You hate other cops.

Vickie: From the rookies you can't depend on

to the bureaucrats who plot against you behind your back--

To the wife who stabs me in the back.

Dominic, I begged you to get help.

From where? A department shrink?

You're the one who's supposed to help me.

Vickie: I tried. - You walked away!

You took my kids and you walked!

You're not blameless in all this.

Dominic: I never walked away. - You made my life unbearable.

Unbearable?

Oh, you ever hear of loyalty, Vickie?

Blind unflinching loyalty.

Of duty and children and forever.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry, Dominic.

I just couldn't stay married to you anymore.

And maybe that makes me a lousy person but I just...

Put your head back down.

Mr. Simonetti, don't make it any

harder on your kids than it already is.

Hey, judge, I know the speech. I've given it myself.

The trouble is it only works

if the person you're giving it to isn't ready to die.

I don't believe you're ready to die.

You don't, huh? [chuckles]

You carry a badge and a gun and the only people

who take you seriously are kids and criminals.

I take you seriously, mister--

- You take this seriously! Vickie: No!

This! Tell me, your honor...

what do I have to do for you to start taking me seriously?

[sighs]

What do I have to do for you to understand

how much I love my kids?

[cocks gun]

Oh! Please!

[crying] Please!

[sighs]

Prove that you love them,

put the gun down.

Don't ruin their lives by pulling that trigger.

[instrumental music]

I was always a good father to them, wasn't I, Vickie?

Oh, yes, Dominic.

They'll always know how much I love them, huh?

You think that they're done needing to know that?

Vickie: You're their father.

You will never stop being their father.

We brought three children into this world.

Please don't abandon them, Dominic.

Please don't abandon them.

[growls]

[heavy breathing]

[thud]

[Vickie gasping]

[music continues]

[rattling]

[sighs and sniffles]

Here you go, judge, tell your court officer...

take my firearms and place me under arrest.

[gasps]

[sighs]

[gasps]

[sighs]

[coughs]

Reporter 1: Here they come.

Reporter 2: Okay, get the cameras ready.

Reporter 1: It's all set. - Excuse me.

- Sir. Kuzak: Arnie.

- Arnie, you alright? - I'm okay, everyone's alright.

- How is Monica? - She's fine.

Let's get out of here.

Mr. Becker, can you give me a minute?

[loud indistinct chatter]

- Okay, thanks. - Let's go.

[camera clicks]

[sighs]

With me is matrimonial attorney Arnold Becker,

who was one of those held hostage.

Janet on TV: What was it like in there, Mr. Becker?

Becker on TV: Uh, it was kind of frightening,

but I think everybody handled it very well.

Janet on TV: What was your impression of the gunman?

Becker on TV: I'm just grateful that he surrendered

without hurting anyone. I-- I-- I can't really

speak about him beyond that.

Janet on TV: Well, thank you, Mr. Becker.

This is the second courtroom explosion in as many days.

You will remember that just yesterday, 43-year-old

Julius Goldfarb literally climbed the walls of justice

in his Salamander costume,

complete with lethal tail and tongue.

Janet on TV: The happy reptile is currently taking the day off

from crime fighting, while he undergoes

a psychiatric evaluation and that's it from here.

From superior court downtown, Los Angeles, I'm Janet Pearce.

[clinks]

[indistinct chatter]

[phone rings]

Benny, can I talk to you for a minute?

You're sad about Julius, aren't you?

Has he gone forever?

No, just for a little while until he's better.

[sniffles] It isn't good to believe

in the Salamander, is it?

Because he ain't really real.

Well, the Salamander is make-believe.

But the things that he reminds us of to be honest,

to care for other people, to be kind.

Those things are very real.

And so is the happiness that Julius brings to people

when he acts as the Salamander.

You can understand that, can't you, Benny?

I think.

It's gonna be okay, Benny.

[phone rings]

Through honesty and justice,

virtue shall grow.

- Salamander Salamander... - Salamander Salamander...

- Onward ho! - Onward ho!

[mellow music]

[engines revving]

So, I told the broker who does he think he's kidding.

I know the condo market here in Bunkerhill.

David: I mean, it's not like we're talking about some

great investment property here.

So, anyway we're gonna get back to the seller

and if he comes down great and if not,

I'll just keep schlapping in from Sherman Oaks.

[clinks]

So... what do you think?

- About what? - Come on, Rox.

If you gonna make me hold up both ends of the conversation,

at least have the courtesy to feign a little interest.

But I'm not interested.

[soft music]

You've been talking about yourself ever since

we sat down, all night.

Your business deals, your money...

I don't give a damn how much money you make

or-- or what stuff you want to buy.

[indistinct chatter in background]

What's wrong with you, Roxanne?

[mellow piano music]

I spent the whole afternoon in bankruptcy court, David.

I owe the government $14,000 and I'm completely broke.

I had a judge put me on an allowance, talking to me like

I'm nine years old and I have had to sit here...

looking at a bottle of champagne that would take me three weeks

to pay for, while you wax on about condos.

Why didn't you call me?

I could have loaned you the money.

Well, well, what good will that do?

This is trading one debt for another.

Look, it's not the end of the world, Rox.

It's got to be pretty damn close.

[indistinct chatter in background]

I'm 38 years old.

And I've got absolutely nothing.

No family, no money...

every nickel I make for the next three years

will be doled out to me by a court.

[gasps] I don't have a car,

I can't take a vacation.

I've got no control over my own life!

I'm-- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I've got to go.

[music continues]

[water splattering]

[clinks]

Monica: Hungry? - Not really.

Did you cancel the reservations?

[thunderclaps in distance]

You know, I really thought that he was gonna do it.

It looked like he was gonna kill you.

Consider my view of it.

Made me think about what I'd be losing.

I mean, when the lights go out, that's it and here I am.

This 37-year-old guy who scrambled his whole life

to avoid getting tied down.

[water splattering]

You were just having too much fun.

[chuckles]

Maybe that's what it looked like but really I was just...

thinking that there might be something better

over the next hill, that if I commit to this

what happens when that comes along.

What really happens is, everything passes you by

and you look desperately trying to pretend like

fun is what you're having.

We're both here, baby.

He didn't touch a hair on our heads.

[water splattering]

Don't let me wreck things, Monica.

I'm afraid that's what I'll do.

There's nothing that says you have to.

When I looked at you today with that gun pointed at your head,

I said to myself, "God, please don't take her from me."

"Let me grow old near the woman I love."

[mellow music]

[sighs]

[clicks tongue]

Oh!

Mm.

[theme music]