Original subtitles

Woman on TV: A snow massive snowstorm

hit the entire east coast today,

wreaking havoc in its wake.

Hardest hit was New York City

which was paralyzed during the morning rush hour.

It was one of the heaviest snowfalls

ever dumped on the Big Apple.

17 inches of the cold, wet white stuff

fell within 24 hours...

[moans] Hi.

What time is it?

[kisses] Early.

Go back to sleep. [kisses]

[upbeat music]

[water splashes]

[water splattering]

Ah!

[whirring]

[music continues]

Hey Arnie, don't ding my Jag getting into your car.

[car door slams]

[seat belt clicks]

[car engine starts]

[car revving]

[upbeat music fades]

[office telephone ringing]

- Good morning, Mr. Becker. - Hi.

- Good morning, Rox. - This is the land, Rox.

I'll tell you, L.A. has got to be the land.

[kisses] Mwah!

While the rest of the world is freezing,

getting buried with snow,

I am gently awakened by a beam of California sunshine

reflecting off the golden blond hair

of the very warm body that I'm nestled against.

Couple of laps in the pool,

fresh glass of carrot juice

is life to get out here or what?

It's figured out just fine, Arnie.

I was woken up by a dumpster.

The only thing that nestled up to me in the last eight months

is currently in the slammer for stock fraud.

My bagel was so stale I practically chipped a tooth,

I'm retaining water, and I'm all out of Mydol.

Is life figured out here, you ask?

[blowing raspberries]

[theme music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music fading]

Morning.

Morning, Benny.

- Good morning. - Morning.

- Victor? - Hmm?

I'm going out on a date tonight.

- No kidding! Benny: Yeah.

I met this girl named Ivy at the center,

and we're going out on a date.

We're taking the bus

to Lum's Shanghai Gardens to have dinner

and then we're gonna go look in the stores on Melrose.

- Sounds like fun. - Oh, yeah.

When did you ask her out?

Uh, yesterday.

Boy, was I nervous too.

Mmm, I never asked a girl out when I wasn't.

She has really nice curly brown hair.

- You like that, huh? - Yeah, I do.

Stuart, what's happening with the Yuppie Bandit?

They accelerated the trial date. We start tomorrow.

How long should we figure you two will be tied up with that?

Oh, I don't guess more than a day or two.

If we can proceed, Ken Hole versus Twelve-Ten Fish Decoys.

Ah, action for specific performance.

The delivery of antiques bought at auction.

I'm in depositions all week.

Ottoman versus Max.

We've instructed the Marshall

to impound the judgment on his automobiles

unless a bond is posted by 5 o'clock.

Seiling versus Steinmetz-Needham Productions.

Yeah, hearing for an injunction is scheduled for 2 o'clock.

Sounds like a loser.

You know, I can't believe that a T.V. actor's going into court

because he's unhappy with his part.

[laughing]

What's the name of this show?

- "Consenting Adults." - I never even heard of it.

That's the producer's whole problem.

You see that they've gotten great reviews but they're

in a tough time slot and they can't get samplings

so if the numbers don't improve...

[clicks lips] They're history.

I would think that Jack Seiling would do anything

he could to boost the ratings.

Maybe he doesn't want to go around the rest

of his life prancing in a cocktail dress.

Arnie: You know, the public doesn't always differentiate

between an actor and the role he plays.

To millions of people

Raymond Burr will always be a lawyer,

Vince Edwards, a doctor, Jack Webb, a cop.

Larry Kreger , a psychotic detective.

Nobody remembers "I Wake-up Screaming?"

Well, before we adjourn. Michael, how's Gracie?

Oh, she's okay. She's, uh... [sips]

She's spending some time at home, taking it easy.

You got any leads on the shooter?

No. And all she saw was the gun.

She afraid they're gonna come after her?

I think if they'd wanted to hit her,

they would have done it when they had the chance.

Still, it's gonna go through her mind.

Yeah. Yeah, it does.

Is she going back to work?

Well, she is thinking about it.

I don't think right away though.

I can't imagine what her state of mind must be

after something like that.

Ah, pretty shaky for the first couple of days

but she's worked her way through it.

You know, she's in better shape than I am.

Grace: You set me up!

- Grace, take it easy. - Don't Grace me!

It is shear blind luck I wasn't gun downed, you bastard!

You were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Now how is that my fault?

If you had told me we had a third partner

or who he was or what he expected of us.

If I had known any of it,

I never would have been in that restaurant

in the first place.

- I had no choice. - Why?

John Vincent is not a guy you say no to.

I did, Charlie. I said no.

You could have, too.

I'm sorry.

What can I do to make things right between us?

[sighs]

You betrayed our friendship. Nothing.

Nothing you can do makes that right.

Grace...

I'm not proud of myself

or what I've become.

The guy is dead.

It gives us a chance to start over with a clean slate.

[sighs]

You start over, Charlie, alone.

Please. I wish you'd reconsider.

Not a chance.

What will you do?

I don't know.

Maybe nothing.

Maybe go back to the D.A.'s office.

Grace.

I, uh, I know you know this, but...

What he told you before the shooting.

Charlie: About owning us, financing us?

If any of that stuff ever got around...

Wouldn't be too great for either one of us.

I appreciate your deep concern for my welfare, Charlie.

[door opens]

Arnie: And what we have here is an executive producer

using her power to ruin the career of my client.

All we have is an actor, vested with no creative control

whatsoever, trying to stop a telecast!

Making him a cross-dresser

is gonna cause irreparable harm, Your Honor.

Arnie: And take a look at the picture

that they're releasing to the newspapers.

Isn't it a late to be squawking now, Mr. Becker?

The episode's supposed to air in two days.

My client was assured that it would be cut and edited

to have socially redeeming value.

Give me a break.

But what's resulted is a trashy piece of exploitation,

deliberately designed at destroying his career.

How can you stand here as an Officer of the court

and lie like that?

Arnie: It's the truth, Your Honor.

Ms. Needham has been recklessly vindictive--

You're the one that's being vindictive!

Alright! Quiet.

Mr. Becker, I see no contractual right

which allows your guy to control

the creative development of the character he plays.

Your Honor, there's an implied covenant of good faith

in every contract, and she's has breached it

with this malicious attempt to stain his image.

Your Honor, I know it's unusual

but I'd like to put my client on the stand.

What?

This isn't not an evidentiary hearing.

I know that, but the issue concerns enjoining a program

that costs over $1 million to produce.

Koyama: Now before you consider such an extraordinary remedy,

I'd like you to be fully informed.

Fine. I demand the right to cross-examine

and a one-day continuance to prepare.

Oh, please.

Hey, if you want to stick her up here,

then he's got the right to cross.

Judge McGrath: We'll convene tomorrow at 10 a.m.

Now both of you leave and take the media with you.

[clamoring] Charlie, get the camera.

Mr. Seiling, Mr. Seiling.

Looks like you're losing, Mr. Seiling.

If they run that show, I'll break the studio,

I'll break the network, and I'll ruin her.

And I'll sue you right back for abusive process and harassment.

We have no comment.

Wait till you see how natural he looks in lingerie.

Needham: Like he's worn it all his life.

- That's slander, lady. Needham: Oh, please.

To the extend you counsel her into saying on those things,

you're gonna be held liable, too.

Why don't we just sue everybody?

- Mr. Seiling. - I'll walk right off the set!

- Don't you push me. - Promises, promises.

Needham on TV: Wednesday night, 9 o'clock, channel 4,

Jack Seiling in a black brassiere.

Reporter: Ms. Needham, wait--

"The Arnie Becker Show."

Pretty tawdry stuff.

Hey. At least no one's getting shot at.

Yet.

Be honest with me.

Am I a jerk?

[sighs] Well, sometimes.

This time.

No.

Why would I think that?

Well, I take a powder from the D.A.'s office,

a significant job,

because I am seduced by this glitzy office,

more money, this change in venue, right?

And the whole thing blows up in my face.

Gracie, you had to quit.

Come on, it was the only right thing to do.

I spent the whole day making phone calls.

- Oh, yeah? To whom? - Firms.

[sighfully] I've got to get a job.

[chuckling] What for?

[scoffs] Because...

Because that's what I do. I work.

Well, we do a lot of things.

We eat, we sleep,

[kisses] we make love.

Believe it or not, sometimes we do absolutely nothing.

I'd go nuts doing nothing.

[kisses] Oh, yeah?

You ever tried it?

All the time.

Sure. When?

[dog barking in distance]

[laughingly] Sundays.

Right, with a case file on your lap.

Now, what I'm talking about here is serious nothing, girl.

I'm talking about...

I'm talking about going for a ride in a car

with no destination or, uh--

What?

Yeah, taking a bubble bath instead

of giving yourself a sponge bath.

[sighs] Mickey.

Hey, something happened to you.

You got to give yourself time to settle down

before you go charging back into the work force.

I have to make a living, don't I?

[sighs] Well, I don't know, do you?

Well, if the situation were reversed,

would you question whether you had to make a living?

Yeah.

Yeah, if it was at the expense of self-knowledge, I would.

Oh. [chuckles]

- Self-knowledge, huh? - Yeah.

You saying I don't know myself sufficiently?

Well, who among us does?

And I suppose you're gonna show me the way?

Well, look at it this way.

Um... uh...

A guiding hand here and there never really hurt.

[romantic soft music]

This guiding hand is cold.

I put it somewhere warm.

[kissing]

Mm-mm. That's better.

Stuart: We had pretty much written it off

until we got a call from Detective Majesky

saying that there'd been a break in the case.

And what else did the detective tell you?

That they had recovered my watch

and they had a suspect in custody,

and would we please come down and identify him

through photographs, which we did.

And were you able to make a positively identification

of the man who robbed you?

Yes.

Debente: And is the man you identified in this courtroom?

There he is, right there, that's the man.

Debente: The record will show that the witness

has identified the defendant, Robert Alden.

No further questions.

[man coughs]

Now, according to the report you gave the police,

the man who accosted you was 6 foot or over.

But, uh, Mr. Alden's only 5 foot 10 and half inches.

[chuckling] Oh. So call me a liar for an inch and half.

Well, if you like that characterization, okay.

Look, I'm 5 foot 5 and a half.

A lot of people look taller to me.

So you're saying that your diminutive stature

makes you a less than reliable observer.

No.

But you'll acknowledge there's a discrepancy here?

Echeverria: You also said the man wore a mustache.

Stuart: Now, I'm not sure about that. Um.

I think actually he may have shaved it off.

Echeverria: Well, my question is, Mr. Markowitz,

did he or did he not have a mustache?

Now, why the hesitancy, Mr. Markowitz?

Is it because you can't remember?

Or is it because you and your wife

were so drunk that night

you can't be certain who you saw?

Well, you testified you were on your way back from dinner.

Now, didn't you share a bottle of wine?

In fact, you two guys were pretty looped, weren't you?

No, that's not the case.

Come on, Mr. Markowitz.

- Wait a minute. - Objection!

Ann: Stop putting words in his mouth.

- Your Honor-- - Mrs. Markowitz!

He's posing compound questions and brow beating the witness.

You're not the attorney of record here. Sit down.

Come on.

You can't let him get away with that.

I'm not going to.

Mr. Markowitz, given the trouble you're having

with all this, how can you tell us that

Robert Alden is the man who robbed you?

We weren't drunk. And I'm almost positive that's the man.

Echeverria: Well, "almost positive" doesn't put

an innocent man in jail, Mr. Markowitz.

Not until they suspend the constitution.

Nothing further.

What was I supposed to do? Lie?

- I'm not accusing you. - You are accusing me!

I'm not. You did the best you could.

I just wish you hadn't let him him

walk all over you, that's all.

And you were so forceful, jumping up and objecting like--

Would you mind?

Let's not a fight in the middle of a cafeteria, okay.

Where would you rather have a fight?

$4.35.

Let's just drop it, Stuart.

You don't want to talk about it, fine.

- Good. - Fine.

Jean on TV: Actors are asked to play less than heroic

or unsympathetic parts all of the time,

why the fuss over this one?

Well, my client feels that playing the part

of a cross-dresser will seriously damage his career.

But isn't it really the producers...

You know, actually the camera puts about 10 pounds on you.

Look, it's Arnie.

...what is one of the most

critically acclaimed shows on television.

I never saw anybody I knew on television before.

Jean on TV: ...no doubt that being seen

in a dress will damage Jack...

Rox, have you seen my other trial case?

- Arnie? Roxanne: It's in the closet.

Arnie on TV: Let me ask you something.

What would have happened to John Wayne's career

if instead of playing the part of a war hero,

he'd played a drag queen?

[all laughing] Arnie on TV: Thank you.

Jean: Arnold Becker is due back in court tomorrow

when producer Jamie Needham is scheduled to take the stand.

From Los Angeles County Court, I'm Jean Kasabian.

Arnie? How can, how can you be...

There and, and here at the same time?

- See ya. - I'm late for court, Benny.

I think I'll let Roxanne explain that to you.

[office telephone ringing]

They interviewed Arnie yesterday, Benny.

What we're seeing here is a-- a videotape.

[office telephone ringing]

Benny, how was your date with Ivy?

[shrugs] Okay.

Just okay?

[sighs] Well...

We didn't really have that much to talk about.

People don't always hit it off on their first date, Benny.

I thought we would. [sighs]

She just kept worrying about not getting home too late.

She, ah, lives with her parents.

You took a first step.

That's lot more important than whether

or not this one date worked out.

Believe me, I've kissed a lot more frogs than princes.

[office telephone ringing]

No, Benny, no. That's just a saying.

Um.

I mean that you'll go out with different people

and some you'll like better than others.

And some you'll only like after

you know them for a little while.

That might even happen with Ivy.

I don't think so.

[laughing]

It would be self-defeating for me to ruin his image.

Jamie: The success of our show depends

on a large part on his public appeal.

And you didn't feel that it

would be compromising that appeal

to have him dressed in women's clothing?

Jamie: It's a nighttime soap.

All our characters have perversities.

And our viewers love them.

Thank you, Ms. Needham, that's all.

Miss Needham, isn't it true

that you and my client engaged in a bitter

contract dispute before this season?

It was negotiations.

I certainly harbor no bitterness.

Arnie: Oh, come on, Ms. Needham.

One of his demands was they direct

three episodes next year, right?

And you found that totally unacceptable, didn't you?

I objected to the notion of an actor being vested

with directing responsibilities, yes.

And the network forced you to cave in

because they knew he was more important

to the show than you, right?

Objection! What's the relevance of this?

Arnie: I'll tell you the relevance!

She perceives my client as a threat to her control.

So she is trying to humiliate him with storylines

to induce him to breach his contract.

He's no threat to me! I made him!

You made me?! You didn't make me.

Sit down, Mr. Seiling, or I'll throw you out of here.

I oughta just write you out completely.

- I'd win an Emmy for it! - Miss Needham--

I'll stop the whole damn show!

You'll do what I tell you to do.

Your Honor, this woman's malicious is self evident.

Everybody shut up!

[woman in audience clears throat]

Judge, I'd like to call my client to the stand now.

What?

This is a motion session, Mr. Becker, not a trial.

And your case is so weak

I don't see what possible good it would do?

I know it's unorthodox, Judge,

but she's had a chance to have her say.

Arnie: I think in the interest of justice,

Mr. Seiling should have his chance, as well.

Well, then I'm gonna want a day to prepare just like he got.

Alright, we reconvene tomorrow at 10:00 a.m.

Judge McGrath: And this is the last day. I mean it.

I'm gonna give this guy 10 minutes and that's it.

After that, no more witnesses!

[elevator dings]

[car beeps]

[car beeps]

[car tires screeching in distance]

Miss Needham.

Mr. Becker.

- Nice car. - Thank you.

Arnie: Every time I see it,

I see you driving down the Coast Highway totally naked.

Soft shiny hair flying in the wind,

double clutching.

Down shifting.

Stop.

Kiss me.

Not here.

Come on.

There's no one around.

[kissing]

[vehicles rumbling]

Michael: Anyway, she quit.

What's she gonna do?

I don't know. Look for another job, I guess.

What the hell is this check from Jack Seiling?

Uh, must be our fee, Leland?

It's for $100,000.

- What?! - A 100 grand?

Yeah, I negotiated a flat rate and he accepted it.

Well who the hell in his right mind would agree

to pay it all up front, especially an amount like that?

I wouldn't know.

Well, tell me what you do know,

or I'll call the client myself.

Okay.

The money's coming from the studio.

This injunction hearing isn't exactly adversarial.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means that this... [sighs]

Well, this whole thing has sort of been staged

to generate publicity for the show.

- Staged? - What?!

Yeah, we figured a little courtroom fireworks.

When they call the newscasts,

maybe boost the ratings a little.

So the producer, the actor,

and me, we, uh...

We-- we kind of put on a little show.

- Arnie, that's fraud. - Nobody got hurt.

We used a couple hours of court time, what's the harm?

I'll tell you the harm!

Apart from getting you disbarred,

it could ruin the reputation of this firm!

- You're overreacting, Leland. - He's not overreacting.

What you did was unethical and probably illegal.

We're talking about one stupid little hearing.

This money's completely unearned and it's going back!

Leland--

That money has been very earned.

For 100 grand the producers bought themselves

over a million dollars worth of advertising.

Arnie: This could turn a fledgling replacement series

into a five-year hit.

Leland: This money is tainted and as head of this firm

it's my decision not to accept it!

As a partner, I say you have no right to do that!

Well, it's too late. I've already voted.

[paper rips] Ah.

Damn it, Leland!

Maybe I should give you my resignation!

Only if you really mean it,

because that I might not tear up.

[door opens]

[office telephone ringing]

[door slams shut] Have you gone nuts?

Look, technically, Jack Seiling

instructed me to bring that action.

It is not incumbent upon the lawyer

to flush out the motives of his client.

Oh, come on, Arnie. You're a player in a scam here.

A completely harmless one, where nobody gets hurt

and more importantly, nobody gets caught.

That's not the point and you know it!

It is the point, Michael!

Everybody's around here is worried about

the firm's exposure. I'm telling you, there is none.

Our concern is the dishonesty, Arnie.

Hey, look! I could've kept the big fee for myself,

paid the firm my hourly rate and nobody would have been

the wiser, but I didn't.

Because fundamentally, I'm not dishonest.

Arnie: Fundamentally, I do care about the people around here.

I'm telling you, this is a huge inroad

into entertainment law for us, an entire new practice.

And I'm telling you, that we don't want it that bad.

Thank you very much for all of this support.

But since nobody elected you moral guardian,

why don't you just go do your preaching someplace else?

[door opens]

[office telephone ringing]

You really don't get this, do you?

[Michael sighs]

[door slams]

Benny, there's someone named Ivy here to see you.

Ivy?

What does she want?

She didn't say.

I still have a lot of work to do here.

Benny, you have a visitor.

Nobody would mind if you take a few minutes off.

[office telephone ringing]

[door opens]

Receptionist: Can you hold a moment?

Hi, Benny.

What are you doing here?

I brought you some cookies.

Thank you.

Are you coming to the center tonight?

I don't know.

I want you to.

I said, I don't know.

Um, I have to, uh, get back to work.

Can I help?

No, you-- y-- you have to go.

Benny: I have to get back to work well r-- right now.

- Maybe I can wait here. - Benny: No, you can't.

[dramatic music] I don't like you coming here.

I'm sorry.

Benny: I'm not allowed to have people like you coming here!

Y-- you have to go!

I'll get into trouble!

You have to go! Right now!

[sighs]

Just a few questions, Ms. Kelsey.

On direct examination you told Mr. Debente

that the man who robbed you wore a mustache,

neatly groomed.

Correct.

Echeverria: And you're quite sure of that?

Ann: Positive.

Mmm.

Your husband testified yesterday

that he couldn't remember a mustache.

Now, is it your testimony under oath that he's...

- Mistaken? - No.

You also told the police that the man wore a blue blazer

and, your husband said it was green.

It was blue.

Now, tell me, Ms. Kelsey, is it

your experience of your husband

that he is not a very keen observer?

No.

Echeverria: Well, then who's right and whose wrong?

Or are you talking about two different blazers?

If you'd let me answer the question.

Ann: First of all, you're talking about details.

Both of us saw the same man.

Echeverria: Yes, but aren't appearances made up of details?

Of course, but you're asking me

to characterize my husband as incompetent.

No. No, I'm asking if the robber wore a blue blazer.

Asked and answered!

Are you now making objections

as well as answering the questions?

What color was the blazer, Ms. Kelsey?

- Blue. - Thank you.

No further questions.

Debende: Prosecution rests, Your Honor.

The defense calls Robert Alden.

You're excused, Ms. Kelsey.

Echeverria: Mr. Alden, how are you presently employed?

I drive the limousine.

And how long have you being do that?

Uh, three years, sir.

I show you a gold Rolex watch

and I ask you if you recognize it.

I do.

Now, did you ever rob anyone at gunpoint

in order procure this watch?

God, no, no, the truth is,

I bought that watch from a guy on the street.

Robert: I don't know if you're familiar

with the limousine business,

but a driver spends a lot of time

outside restaurants, places like that.

Well, you're vulnerable to a street people, hustlers.

A-- anyway, this guy told me he had a Rolex watch for sale.

And you agreed to buy it?

Robert: I was sure it was a knock-off.

He was asking $75 for it.

I know I should've known better.

A-- a-- and I feel terrible that I played any part

in these people's misfortune.

This man. Had you ever seen him before?

Robert: Never, nor since.

Echeverria: And what happened next?

Well, I, uh, I wore the watch

for a couple of days.

And, um, one of the guys at the garage saw it

and told me it looked like a real Rolex,

that I should have it apprised.

He sent me over to a friend of his.

- And that would be Mr. Webb? - Right.

And Mr. Webb told me how valuable the watch was.

So, all of a sudden I'm standing there

with this incredibly valuable time piece,

and Mr. Webb asks me if I'd take $3,500 for it.

[chuckles] He could've knocked me flat at that point.

Did it ever occur to you that you might

be trafficking in stolen merchandise?

No, sir.

Not until the cops came

to the garage and arrested me.

I-- I know I exercised bad judgment,

but I am not a criminal.

I-- I-- I've never been in trouble in my life.

[door opens] Maybe I could have done little better

if you hadn't laid such a poor foundation.

Oh, it's my fault, I see.

Let's just say you didn't help the situation.

And you did.

I didn't say that.

- Let's just drop it, okay? - Me?

You're the one who brought it up.

I said, I'd rather not discuss it.

Alright.

Thank you.

Knows how to dish it out but doesn't know how to take it.

- What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing.

[door shuts]

[soft music]

Jamie: I mean, what's the point of giving it back?

- What's it prove? - Exactly.

It'll just go back in the corporate coffer.

Exactly.

And with the publicity we're getting,

it's a drop in the ocean.

If you're think you're getting publicity now,

just wait till I put Jack Seiling on the stand.

Front page?

It's a good shot.

You play your part, and he plays his.

There's no way this stays in the entertainment section.

By the way, it's not true, is it?

What?

That the you two of you had an affair,

it went sour and you paid him back

by putting him in a dress and a pair of pantyhose.

Are you kidding?

You know, I'd never get involved with an actor.

Money aside, Arnie, I really am in your debt.

And if we're finished here now,

I'd like to discuss a payment schedule on the ride home.

[soft music continues]

Let me make a quick trip to the little boy's room.

[kisses] I'll be back in a sec.

- Hi. - Hi.

[zipper]

[sighs]

- Arnold Becker? - Yes.

I'm Special Investigator Hamel, this is Detective Miller.

We're attached to the Entertainment Fraud Division

of the District Attorney's Office.

- You're under arrest. - What?

You have the right to remain silent.

You have the right to an attorney.

Well, hold on. Hold on.

There must be some sort of mistake here.

What are the charges?

Pertaining to your action

Seiling versus Steinmetz-Needham Productions,

fraudulent use of legal process.

Conspiracy to commit fraud against California State Court.

Oh, God.

You're gonna have to come with us, sir.

Assume the position.

- Hey, come on, I-- - Assume the position!

Lighten up, Leo. Let the guy zip his pants up for god sake.

Guys, please just... give me this one break here.

I mean, w-- where am I going?

I-- I'll surrender myself tomorrow. I swear. Just...

If you let me walk out of here right now...

I'll owe you forever.

- Can't do it, Ace. - Just hold it. Leo, hold it.

You're like a well-known divorce attorney, right?

Right.

I don't know, Leo. Maybe this guy could help me out.

- Are you getting a divorce? - Yeah.

Look, I could handle this for you. I'll bury her.

Arnie: She'll never know what hit her.

Don't cuff him, Leo. This guy is gonna save my bacon.

Look, we let you go tonight,

you present yourself tomorrow morning,

11:00 a.m. sharp, at the office

of the Special Investigations.

- You be there. - I swear!

Leo: I don't like it.

Come on, Leo, where else am I gonna find

a shark like this to handle my divorce?

Leo: Okay. But I'm doing this for you. Not this creep.

God bless you. God bless you both.

Tomorrow, 11:00 sharp, be there.

- Or I swear-- - I will! Yeah, I will! I will!

Okay, counselor.

I don't expect you to understand this.

[tap water running]

But my life has just turned to crap.

[breathes deeply]

[door opens]

[office telephone ringing]

[door slams]

What's going on?

Tell him, Arnold.

Last night two cops working at the D.A.'s office

tried to arrest me.

What for?

Fraudulent use of process, conspiracy to commit a fraud.

Arnie: They found out the whole story about Jack Seiling

and "Consenting Adults."

Michael, I've got to surrender myself at 11 o'clock

this morning. You go to go down there with me.

Yeah, yeah, sure. I'll go with you.

I-- I mean, I know, I know that I brought this on myself.

Yeah, you sure hell did. You brought it on all of us.

I know, I know, and I'm sorry but can we do down there

and explain it away as mistake in judgment?

We'll say th-- that I've been under stress,

th-- that I've been taking pain killers--

I'll get into therapy. Michael, I'll do anything.

Oh, why don't we wait to see what we're up against first?

Yeah, truthfully, I think

you're overreacting just a little a bit.

- Do you think so? - Oh, absolutely.

I mean, hey, what's the worst case scenario here?

[nervously chuckles] I don't know.

- Uh, a year. - A ye-- a year?

Minimum security, full library,

visiting privileges, the works.

[stammering]

You're saying that they could jail me for a year?

Oh, wait a minute. That's the worst case scenario.

The truth is, well, I think that payment of a fine

and permanent disbarment would be more than enough for them.

[stammering] What am I gonna do?

I mean, I've just screwed up my entire life then.

Wait a minute. Did Hamel tell you to bring a toothbrush?

No. He didn't tell me to take a--

How did you know that his name was Hamel?

[laughing]

Oh, you bastard.

This was a practical joke?

[laughing] And flawlessly executed.

And you let me sweat this all night?

Michael, take a loot at my eyes, they are totally puffed.

Plus which, do you know what this

kind of stress does to my system?

Five days from now I'll be looking at a high colonic.

Arnie: Leland, where you in on this?

No. No, I wasn't.

And I don't personally think is a fit topic for jokes.

[clears throat]

[Arnie chuckles] Well, at least

thank God it's over.

Leland: Not quite yet.

What time are you due in court?

[sighs]

[sighs]

Excuse me, can I get--

I'm sorry.

Alright, let's get on with it.

Mr. Becker, will you get your guy up here

and I am warning everybody, no more outbursts.

Your Honor, this time I move to withdraw

the plaintiff's application

for a temporary restraining order.

[all gasping]

[all murmuring]

After a closer scrutiny

of the facts and legal precedents,

I cannot represent in good faith to the court

that the circumstances justify prior restraint.

Are you kidding?

After two days of honking like a goose,

now you say "never mind?"

I don't think a TRO is warranted, Judge,

and I see no reason to take additional court time

with my client's testimony.

Judge McGrath: I don't believe this.

Well, since you readily admit that your motion is untenable,

I'm ordering your client to pay defendant's attorney fees

in this matter, and I'm assessing court costs

against your firm in the amount of $5,000.

Maybe that will encourage you

to take a closer scrutiny of the facts

before wasting two days of my time.

That's all!

I got a question.

- Mr. Becker. - Mr. Becker!

Mr. Becker!

[man coughs]

Counsel waive closing arguments?

- So waived. - Yes, Your Honor.

Judge Lyne: Mr. Alden, based on the shaky witness identification

presented in this case,

I did not find the evidence exists

to support the people's case of armed robbery.

With regard to the lesser charge of receiving stolen property,

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to find you guilty.

Sentencing date set two weeks hence.

I will tell you, sir, to put you at ease,

assuming a clean probation report,

I doubt if you would be doing any jail time.

Robert: Thank you, Your Honor.

Judge Lyne: Just don't buy any more stolen watches.

We're adjourned!

[sighs]

Just handed her the notes.

[elevated dings]

Stuart. Ann.

Ah, look, I just wanted to say, uh...

No hard feelings.

That's really big of you.

Hey, wait a minute, look, I know

what you're thinking, but this is not about

hurting anybody, okay?

It's about economic privation.

- Come on, Ann. - Well, wait a minute.

Look, you got something to say with us?

Then tell us what you did with my wife's engagement ring?

Shh.

You read my mind or something?

Come here.

I know that ring has lot of sentimental value to you,

but, ah, the truth is, diamonds are a depreciating asset.

I'd be surprised if I can get half

of what you people paid for it.

Great. Give it back.

Oh, I'd be delighted to.

But I need certain considerations.

You want me to buy back the ring you stole from us?

Robert: Either that or, ah, work out a swap.

What kind of swap?

The gold Rolex.

He wants the watch.

Stuart: Forget it. - Stuart.

Come on, Ann.

I don't want to do business with this grease ball.

Stuart, I want my ring back.

You remember where the watch came from.

Um... okay.

Good for you, Stuart.

A happy ending.

[chuckles]

I'll call you to work out a swap.

[door opens]

[office telephone ringing]

- Gracie. - Hi.

What are you doing here?

I've been doing things domestic.

Huh, such as?

Shopping.

We're eating dinner home tonight.

A bottle of Chardonnay.

Mm, Trefethen, 1985.

That's right.

Two salmon fillets, a little Angel hair pasta,

a little fresh pesto, tapered candles...

It's the perfect yuppie dinner for two.

Oh, Gracie, I love you so much.

Dessert comes after dinner, buddy.

[Michael laughs] Michael, no kidding,

I've had the best day doing nothing.

Sleeping late, window shopping, thinking.

Thinking! [chuckles]

And don't let this get around but I even waxed

the kitchen floor and loved every minute of it.

Oh, no, should I call the doctor?

No, no.

I mean... I mean, maybe tomorrow or next week,

or next month, I will be bored out of my skull,

but right now, the thought of living under your roof,

cooking your dinner, being there for you

when you get home, and listening to your problems,

instead of my own, is very appealing.

I might even take up laundry.

Uh-huh. Be still my heart.

No. You have to work.

No. No. Stay.

What time will you be home?

[kisses] I don't know.

7:00, 7:30. Something like that.

Okay.

Don't be late.

I love you, Kuzak.

I love you.

Bye.

[door shuts]

[door opens]

What the hell was that in court today, Becker?

I owe you an explanation.

Jamie: You owe me more than that.

You pulled the plug before the payoff.

Come on, Jamie, the plan worked.

The show's been in the newspapers every day for a week.

What about the lovers' quarrel in open court?

Barring war or assassination,

we had the lead story on the evening news

coast to coast.

Jamie: We were in line to do a 35 rating with a 50 share.

So instead, you'll do a 25 rating with a 40 share.

You're writing off 10 of my rating points

so that you can be a boy scout?

That's nearly 9 million viewing households.

What I was doing was wrong.

I was ready to be splayed naked

across every checkout counter and supermarket

in America for the good of this show!

All I can think of right now is you cost me

the cover of People Magazine.

I'm sorry, Jamie.

But whatever else I am, I have to be legitimate.

[door squeaks]

[door slams]

Benny, I would like to talk to you about

what happened yesterday.

Are you mad at me?

I'm pretty disappointed in you.

- What about? - Ivy.

She came here to see you yesterday,

and you hurt her feelings.

You said I wouldn't like everybody I went on date with.

Not liking somebody doesn't mean you can hurt them.

She doesn't understand about things.

What things?

Things.

She's not as smart as I am.

You don't treat people decently because they're smart, Benny.

You do it because they're people.

Abby: Benny, I want you to think about something

and I want you to think about it very hard.

Remember those kids who snatched your cap on the bus?

Yeah.

They called you dummy.

Abby: They called you retard.

They said to themselves that you weren't as smart

as they were, so it was okay to be cruel

to you and was okay to make you cry.

They were wrong, Benny.

It wasn't okay, was it?

[soft music]

No.

Ann: He's late. - He'll show up.

I'm freezing.

Stuart, Ann, hi. Sorry, I'm late.

[clicks lips]

Robert: Well, uh, shall we do it?

Here's the ring. You got the watch?

Freeze!

- You're busted. - What?

You got the right to remain silent.

- You've right to an attorney. - I know my rights.

For God's sake, I went to law school, you can't do this.

- Jeopardy's attached. - Then try again, smart ass.

- Try perjury. - What?

Ann: You lied at your trial.

That's a two-year hitch.

Oh, I'm very disappointed.

I trusted you people.

[sighs]

Michael: Are we okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, we're okay.

You know, you're too good a lawyer to go squandering

your talents on cheap theatrics.

You're too good a practical joker

to be squandering your talent on law.

You got me. Hey, want to have dinner with me and Gracie?

- I can give her a call. - No. No, thanks.

I, uh, I got a date.

See you tomorrow.

[clanking]

Benny, what are you still doing here?

Tidying up.

But the building has people to do that.

I just thought I'd help out so...

They don't have to stay so late.

[sighs]

You have a good heart, Benny.

Thanks, Arnie.

So...

How's the love life?

I don't have one, Arnie.

I don't understand girls.

Tell me about it.

Well, they want stuff,

but they don't tell you what.

Benny: You have to guess at it.

Sounds like you understand them just fine.

[sighs]

D-- do you know what they want?

Everything.

Love, attention, lots of money.

Sex.

Girls scare me, Arnie.

They're different from us.

[sighs]

Vive la difference, mon frere.

Benny?

If you're about done in here, how about you and me

go get a little bite to eat?

[laughs] Great.

[soft music]

[Benny chuckles]

[theme music]