Original subtitles

Douglas: So much for tax shelters.

Moving along to cases pending.

Douglas: Arnold, Lewis vs Lewis.

Settled.

Douglas: Jenkins vs Jenkins.

Arnold: Settling.

Harper vs Ditto. Settling.

Arnold: Imano vs Ditto. Settling.

Ditto vs Ditto. Settling.

All the dittos are settling.

Sounds like things are going well.

No, not going well.

You see this finger?

Arnold: You wanna know how I did this?

An image springs to mind.

I jammed it sweating out my career frustrations

on a basketball court.

Arnold, if you'd like to talk later...

No, thank you, Leland,

but a little pep talk isn't gonna do it.

I have a new client coming in, a movie writer producer,

and I wanna solicit her entertainment business.

Arnold, we've been over this territory before.

We're not set up to handle entertainment law here.

But we should be.

We'll take this up at our partners meeting.

Leland, this is 1986.

Next!

Moving along, Tony's Toys.

Unfriendly take over bid by Bennington Industries

against my client's toy manufacturing company.

I assume you'll be able to negotiate

some cushy golden parachutes for your client?

Mr. Cavelli doesn't want money or a management contract.

Oh, what would he like? Sex, drugs?

What he would like is to keep his company.

He built it from the ground up,

and he knows every worker there.

It would kill him to see it raped

and pillaged by corporate marauders.

Ah, Ms. Kelsey, tilting at windmills again.

And here I was under the impression

that you actually wanted to be a partner in this firm.

Assuming I'm invited, Douglas, I do.

I'll try and remember that when we vote later this week.

Now for a little comic relief.

Michael, where do we stand on Harry Finneman's suit

to be stuffed and mounted in his back yard?

For your information, Harry Finneman is suing

for his basic constitutional right

to be left alone by the government.

Is this the guy that wants to be freeze-dried when he croaks?

Mike, did you ever see what Roy Rogers did with Trigger?

Kelsey: Yeah, but Trigger was hairy.

Is Mr. Finneman gonna wind up

all wrinkled like a dried up apricot?

What do they do about the eyes? Glass?

I believe that's what they did for Trigger.

Eww!

You might think this is a joke, folks,

but as a constitutional matter,

it bothers the hell out of me to have the government intruding

not only into the bedrooms of consenting adult citizens,

but also, God forbid, into the graves of dead ones.

I'm leaving.

Well, so much for comic relief.

[theme music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[upbeat music]

I've never felt vindictive

towards any of my husbands before,

but this is different.

I really want...

badly want Mitchell to suffer,

Hillary: which is why Cammie Meyers insisted I come to you.

Your feelings are perfectly understandable, Hillary.

Your husband leaves you for another woman and--

No, no, no, please.

He messes with some starlet, no big deal.

But he messes with me.

Hillary: He has me rewritten and taken off the movie.

That. For that he's going to suffer.

Well, he who suffers most suffers in the pocketbook.

[chuckles]

I wonder why Cammie Meyers didn't tell me

how incredible looking you are.

Or me you?

She must be hot for you, mmhmm.

Hillary: [chuckles] I bet all of your clients are.

Is that how you hurt your hand?

- Uh... - Fighting them off?

No. Actually, I was playing basketball.

Ah. I bet you have talented hands...

so long and tapered.

Hillary: And that love line.

It's very thick, isn't it?

[clears throat]

Susan: Arnie?

What?

Maybe you'd like to run through

the schedule of community assets now?

Susan: You do have another appointment in ten minutes.

Business intrudes.

Well, it's all here,

stocks, bonds, bank accounts, the house, cars.

Nothing very tricky except for the two movies.

You mean "Galaxy" and "Rose Bush,"

both due out this month.

You follow the industry?

"Galaxy," first draft screenplay written by you.

Totally rewritten by a no talent studio hack.

Arnie: And directed by your husband Mitchell.

Originally budgeted at 12 million,

rumored to have gone ten over.

More like 13 over.

And then there's "Rose Bush"

written and produced by you.

Brought in for just over $3 million,

a sensitive love story.

Beautifully observed, I'm sure.

Hillary: I'm proud of it.

But will it make money?

Will the 13 year olds like it? Probably not.

So then common wisdom would dictate

that if we want to hurt Mitchell financially,

we should get you as big a piece of "Galaxy" as possible

and as little of "Rose Bush."

I was afraid that you'd say that.

Except that a movie that costs 25 million

has to make at least 75 million

Arnie: before it goes into profits.

What are the odds of that?

Now, on the other hand,

a movie that costs only three has to make 9.

Arnie: So throwing ancillary rights into the pot...

all you need's a half decent domestic take

and you're in the black.

If you're saying that I can keep "Rose Bush"

and still punish Mitchell

I think I'm in love, serious love.

Arnie: Do you have them on cassette?

Mmhmm.

I'm gonna send a messenger to pick 'em up.

Arnie: I wanna take a look at 'em for myself.

Then we'll get together again, I'll give you my thoughts...

and we will plan our strategy.

Arnie: Sound okay? Hillary: I can't wait.

And be sure to give Roxanne your parking ticket.

She'll be happy to stamp it.

[sighs] Gentlemen, please,

before the press gets wind of it.

Isn't there some way to make this thing go away?

Not my fault, Your Honor.

California Health and Safety Code,

Division Seven, Dead Bodies, Section 7054.

Any person who deposits or disposes of any human

remains except in a cemetery or

by cremation is guilty of a misdemeanor.

A statute which exceeds legitimate police powers,

which is why we are asking for an accelerated trial

in this declaratory relief action.

Mr. Kuzak, are you too young to remember "Candid Camera?"

No, Your Honor.

Allen Funt isn't behind the curtain.

I'm afraid not, Your Honor.

Well, let's get on with the show.

One last question, Dr. Penrod.

In your expert opinion, does a dead body

pose potential health hazards to the general populace?

Yes, definitely.

Leland: Is there any way to eliminate such hazards?

Yes. Burial and or cremation of the body.

Thank you.

Dr. Penrod, do you know of any other method

of dealing with a dead body that would serve the same ends?

Not that I'm aware of.

What about mummification?

The Egyptians seemed to do just fine.

I truthfully don't know much about mummification.

I see. What about Jhator?

I'm not familiar with it.

Kuzak: A Tibetan and Mongolian practice

in which the body is left out to be eaten by birds.

Penrod: I'm a pathologist, Mr. Kuzak.

I really don't know much about that,

though it sounds pretty morbid.

Well, actually, to a Mongolian,

our practice of embalming and burial would seem morbid.

Objection. This is an argument, not a question.

Sustained.

Please try to save your argument for later, Mr. Kuzak.

Dr. Penrod, do you know of any health hazards

associated with freeze drying?

Again, it's not my field.

So what you're saying is it's a matter of ignorance.

Man 1: Objection. Rephrase the question.

If I could demonstrate to you, Doctor,

that freeze drying has no potential health

Arnie: or safety hazard to the general populace,

would then your professional opinion be

that the practice is no different

from burial or cremation?

Yes. If you could so persuade me,

I'd have to change my opinion.

Thank you. No further questions.

If we get passed over for partner one more time,

that's it.

How's your salad?

If we wait another year,

we won't even be marketable anywhere else.

I don't wanna go anywhere else.

And they know it.

Which is how they get away with

keeping you an associate forever.

It's not that terrible, Ann.

It's not like I need the money.

The money is only a symbol of your value.

If they don't make you a partner,

it's because in their eyes you are a glob of spit.

Ann, come on. I'm eating.

I have told Leland in no uncertain terms

that if they pass me over again, I'll go somewhere else.

- Pretty serious bluff. - I'm not bluffing.

I've made some phone calls.

I'll be packed and out by the end of the month.

If you left,

I wouldn't get to spend any time with you.

[sigh] Damn it, Stuart,

you're doing the same thing with me

that you do with the firm.

What, being happy where I am?

Not being secure enough

to know your value to them or to me.

Really?

Do you know how long it's been

since I've let anyone into my life?

The truth is, and it scares me...

I couldn't picture it without you.

[indistinct chatters]

Your Honor, I move for a continuance at this time.

- The people object, Your Honor. - Just till Friday.

Maroney: I'm in trial in federal court till then.

Continued until Friday, November...

Your Honor, excuse me. I have a problem with Friday.

Would it be too much to ask you to enlighten the Court

as to the nature of this problem?

I'm getting married Friday afternoon

Grace: in front of Judge Connelly.

Sidney: Well, that's no problem.

I am sure Mr. Maroney

would not wish to stand in the way of true love.

Monday's fine.

Grace: Fine.

What, no honeymoon?

Sidney: This is a beautiful thing

you do only once, maybe twice in your life tops.

Monday will be fine. Thank you, Your Honor.

Well, mazel tov.

And we're in recess.

I got your message.

I thought I'd return it in person.

I wanted to talk to you about the other night.

It shouldn't have happened. I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry.

We both wanted it to happen.

Who knows? Maybe if I'd met you sooner...

It's not too late.

Get out of this thing, Gracie.

It's not what you want.

We've been over this before.

I don't want to debate it.

I care about you...

more than anyone else in the world.

If you do, if you really do, be my friend...

and wish me as much happiness in my life

as I wish you in yours.

[knock on door]

Leland?

You wanted to see me, Stuart?

Oh, yeah.

[clearing throat]

What about?

Well, you know, I know that

there's a meeting on Thursday

to discuss the addition of new partners.

Correct.

Well, I thought that,

given my tenure with the firm,

a partnership would not be out of the question.

Well, we'll certainly give it a full airing, Stuart.

Thank you, Leland. I appreciate it.

Is that all?

Well... Only that, you know...

I hope you'll keep Irving Lewis in mind.

What about Irv Lewis?

Well, you see, if I were... If I were to leave the firm

which-- which I don't wanna do, I think Irving

might think about taking his business elsewhere, too.

Is that a threat, Stuart?

Oh, God, no. Absolutely not, Leland.

Well, yeah, technically speaking, it's a threat,

but I-- I wouldn't...

Oh, Leland, this is really hard for me.

I'm a happy man basically.

I like my work. I like my colleagues.

Mm, so I have noticed.

Yes. [laughs]

I-- I-- I don't wanna leave.

It's just that...

I'm getting too old to be an Indian.

I... I want to be a Chief.

Not everyone in the tribe can be a chief, Stuart,

but your desire to be so is duly noted,

and we'll take it up at the partners meeting.

Thanks.

Look, for whatever it's worth,

if it goes against me, I understand your problem.

Stuart: It's one man, one vote.

I-- I really hate burdening you with my problems, Leland.

Thank you, Stuart.

[sighs]

[slow music]

- Hi. - Hi.

Well?

Well, I stated a vigorous, forceful case.

And?

I was a complete wimp.

[instrumental music]

Oh, good morning, Hillary.

Sorry I'm late. Would you like some coffee?

No, thank you.

Thank you, Roxanne.

- Well? - Well...

I screened both films,

and I agree, "Galaxy" is trash.

Arnie: It's a low rent rehash of the

last half dozen space adventures.

We've seen it before and we've seen it better.

- And mine? Arnie: Yours, it's like you.

It's tender, tough minded...

an exquisite blend of sensitivity,

streets smarts, very keenly observed characters,

and a very beautiful sense of time and place.

Really? You're not just saying that?

Really, I think you've got a

potential very important picture.

You should be very proud.

Thank you.

I only have one tiny suggestion.

What?

Can I ask you a personal question?

Ask.

Do you like sex?

What do you think?

I think that's what's missing in your film.

Oh, it is not about sex.

It is about 14 year olds coming of age.

Well, when I was 14,

I did not come of age with my clothes on.

I bet you didn't.

You write one more scene without clothes,

and you will have every teenager in America lining up.

Trust me, five minutes of searching,

sensitive, youthful passion,

and this film can cross over from a boutique specialty item

to a broad based box office winner.

I would love that.

And if you're willing to accept that one little change,

I would personally recommend

giving up all interest in "Galaxy."

- All of it? Arnie: Sure.

This way there's no mixed emotions.

You can openly cheer for his film to be the

catastrophic failure you really want it to be,

while savoring the pleasure

of your fully owned box office bonanza.

I really want to believe you.

Well, you can believe this.

I'm willing to bet my fee against

two and half points of your movie that I'm right.

If I worked my whole life brick by brick

building myself a beautiful house,

no one could take that away from me.

Am I right?

I didn't say this was fair, Mr. Cavelli, just legal.

Ann? Hi.

Anything?

They've gone by the book.

- Great. - There must be something.

The poison pill.

- I don't think so. - What's a poison pill?

It's a provision which basically issues

more shares to the stockholders.

It makes takeover more expensive for them.

- Do it. - I doubt if it'll stop them.

Stuart: Even if it does, we'd be facing a class action suit.

Besides which, your directors would never go for it.

They'll do what I say.

Have you given any thought

to how much a fight like this will cost?

It could break you, Mr. Cavelli.

I started with nothing.

I'm not afraid to start over.

What I won't do is lie down and play dead

while someone sticks a gun in my ribs.

We understand your position, Mr. Cavelli,

and I promise you we won't desert you.

I went to five lawyers before you.

I got no chance, they say, sell out.

Everyone told me that but you.

From the first day I met you, there was a look in your eyes.

All the fat cat lawyers, and you're the first one

willing to get her knuckles bruised.

I like you, lady. You're a fighter.

I like you a lot.

Basically, it's the same technique you use

to freeze dry a flower.

By the way, can you tell which one of these is real?

No, I can't.

Been freeze dried for five years.

Would you like to inspect it, Your Honor?

Mr. Eastman, when did you first become acquainted

with Harry Finneman?

Uh, three months ago.

He came into my lab and asked me

if I'd be willing to freeze dry him.

After he was dead, of course.

And what did you say?

Well, I told him that I couldn't do it.

That it's illegal.

Mr. Eastman, would freeze drying Mr. Finneman

pose a health hazard to the general populace?

Objection. Speculation.

Man 2: There's no foundation as to expertise.

I believe I have laid a foundation, Your Honor.

Overruled.

No, there'd be no problem.

I have nothing further.

May I approach the witness?

Yes, you may.

With all due respect, Mr. Eastman,

freeze drying a flower

is not the same as freeze drying a person.

Man 2: There's a big difference, isn't there?

- True. - Thank you.

Mr. Eastman, is freeze drying an animal

any different than freeze-drying a person?

No. Same thing exactly.

First you take out all the organs

and you take out the eyes and all the fat

Eastman: and then you insect proof it.

You inject it with some preservatives,

some antioxidants.

Then you stuff it and you pose it.

And that's before it ever gets to the dehydrator,

where you leave it for,

well, at Mr. Finneman's weight, four months.

Maybe a little longer because, you see,

the secret is really in the drying.

Eastman: It's gotta be long and slow.

Mr. Kuzak?

Your Honor, I have just one more question,

with your permission.

Thank you.

Mr. Eastman, do you know this dog?

Puddles? Sure.

She's been my best friend for 22 years.

22 years.

That's a long time for a dog to live.

Well, she's been freeze dried for six of them.

Kuzak: Your Honor?

It's not nearly as voluminous as it would appear.

Once you review the documentation,

I believe the execution can be completed...

That won't be necessary, Mr. Reikman.

We're not signing.

I'm afraid you have no choice.

A poison pill will be adopted and ratified this afternoon

which will quadruple your takeover costs.

Pardon me, madam, but let's not bluff.

Now, you can't stop us.

We can either do this easy or we can do it rough.

Your client is attempting to strip Mr. Cavelli

of a company that he and his family

have devoted their entire lives to.

You may win, sir, but it's going to be so difficult,

so painful and so expensive...

Believe me when I tell you

that the pain will be yours only.

And as far as the expense is concerned,

I eat companies all the time.

Tony's Toys is just a snack.

What you do, Mr. Stern, is rape.

Then I guess you have two choices.

Fight and get bloodied or lie back and enjoy it.

I don't appreciate that, sir.

Gordon Stern does not rape.

He's not equipped for it.

- Oh, a low blow, sir. - Don't worry.

I can't hurt it if he don't have it.

What's that supposed to mean?

Please, can we get on with the business at hand?

No. I wanna find out what the hell he meant by that.

What I meant is, if you could cut it in the bedroom,

you wouldn't need to do it in a boardroom.

Kelsey: Sit down, Mr. Stern. - Unless you like it with guys!

Is that what you get off on, Mr. Stern?

Shut your mouth! Get outta my face!

- Hold it! Kelsey: Hey!

That's enough! Let go of him!

Man 3: Gordon, for God's sake...

Come on, get up, get up!

Come on, get up, you spineless fruit!

I can't. My chest!

It's like I'm having a heart attack.

- Mr. Cavelli? - Alright, call an ambulance.

Oh, my God.

Coming through, please. Watch it.

Man 5: We're coming through here, please. Clear the way.

What's happening?

Criminal assault, Mr. Stern.

- That's what's happening. - He provoked me.

If he dies, man slaughter,

not to mention the civil suit we're filing.

And since you took that swing as Chief Executive Officer,

your big company's on the hook, too.

Tony's Toys is gonna eat you alive, mister.

Snack on that.

Arnie: And as far as I can see,

all the assets are community property.

We've already discussed the house, the automobiles.

What about the two films?

Well, I'm no expert on show business, Mr. Gild,

but what makes sense to me is that

we just split the profits, if any, 50-50.

Actually, seeing as how my client

has a more personal connection with "Galaxy"

and yours with "Rose Bush,"

I thought perhaps we'd take the "Galaxy" profits

and you take "Rose Bush."

- No. - Even up, you mean?

- That's ridiculous. - I thought you hated "Galaxy."

Galactic garbage.

Garbage? I bared my soul on that picture, lady.

And when the public sees what I put...

I've seen you bare your soul, not to mention everything else,

and believe me, it's not a pretty sight.

Well, you're one to speak.

You didn't see her before the nose job.

There was enough left over for two chairs and an ottoman.

Very sensitive, you hack.

I wonder if I might engage with my client privately?

Certainly.

Just watch out for your wallet.

This'll just be a minute.

Well, a minute's about as long as he's good for.

What are you doing for dinner tonight?

I was planning on having you.

In that case, skip lunch.

How's your finger?

Better.

I've got something for you to put on it

that'll make it feel much better.

Mr. Gild, emotions aside,

I would be in breach of my fiduciary duty

if I accepted your proposal.

Well, we might be willing

to make some further financial concessions.

- Such as? - Um, the tax free muni bonds.

Again, Mr. Gild, I-- I know little about this movie stuff,

but the market research indicates

that "Galaxy" could earn 100 million,

more than 10 times the potential of "Rose Bush."

Market research is hardly reliable.

But what if I were to ignore it

and it became a reality?

I might be guilty of malpractice.

Give it to him.

I don't care if it makes two billion.

It still stinks and I wanna be free of the stench.

You want stench? Take a whiff of "Rose Bush!"

Please! Look, please!

It is my job

to effect financial parody in this settlement.

Sit down.

[crying]

Sit down.

Perhaps if you took...

The house, too.

Even with the art collection and all of its other contents,

the value would only be three to four million.

Take it, for God's sakes, and let's be done with this.

I will not give away "Galaxy."

You'd sue me later. What else is there?

The condo in Aspen.

Now you've gone too far.

Alright.

We're back to square one.

Alright, the muni bonds, the home, its contents,

and the condo in Aspen.

Take it or leave it.

Done.

Then we have a deal?

I'll messenger the papers over for signature.

You were phenomenal.

[laughs]

You were fabulous.

Well, I hope my partners think so.

With the deal we've struck,

it's gonna be a while before I get paid.

Aw. Well, here's a little advance right now.

Mr. Gertz, aside from being president

of the U.S. Association

for Funeral Directors and Mortuaries,

you also personally own three funeral parlors.

Kuzak: Is that correct? - Correct.

Mr. Gertz, the funeral business

is pretty lucrative, isn't it?

We do alright.

Kuzak: Well, better than alright, I would think.

It's the only business I can think of

that we're all going to need sooner or later.

What are you getting at?

Well, if the current laws were to be changed,

it could hurt you guys pretty bad.

[sighs] You know, I'm getting sick and tired

of the abuse everyone heaps on the funeral profession.

Gertz: And my participation here today as a witness for the state

has nothing to do with either business or money.

You still haven't answered my question, Mr. Gertz.

If everyone in the world wanted to be freeze dried,

I could go into freeze drying.

Buy up all the dehydrators

and literally bury the small timers like Eastman.

So what you're saying then

is that aside from the tie to tradition,

you really have no objection to freeze drying.

Gertz: Don't twist my words around, young man.

I said that's what I could do, but I never would.

Because as a God fearing American

and the father of three children,

I object to freeze drying as an affront to a decent society.

First it's that man, then maybe it's my next door neighbor.

I do not want and I will not have

my children exposed to something like that.

Well, maybe they should be.

Don't you think maybe it's time that all of us in this country

stop trying so hard to hide from the reality of death?

The reality of death is not freeze drying.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

That's what the Bible says.

And in denying the natural order of the birth and death cycle,

freeze drying is nothing less than an abomination,

an offense against God.

And you, sir, are a blasphemer!

How dare you judge me!

How about let's take a little recess, hmm?

[indistinct chatter]

Hi, guys.

Arnie: Happy Halloween.

Meow!

[typewriter clicking]

[knock on door] Come in.

You... you wanted to see us, Leland?

Ann. Stuart. How's Mr. Cavelli?

He's out of danger.

Fortunately, as these things go,

it was a pretty mild attack.

Well, that's good news.

And in consideration of our agreeing

not to file a civil assault suit,

Stern has completely withdrawn his takeover attempt.

That's very nice.

Happy endings are few and far between.

My compliments on your handling of the entire matter.

Thank you.

Please sit down.

I know you've been anxious

about the results of our meeting this morning.

Yes, we are.

Well, let me end the suspense

with my heartfelt congratulations.

You are both hereby tendered offers

of partnership in the firm, and I hope you'll accept.

Well, speaking only for myself, I...

I'm really quite moved.

I'd just like to express thank you.

I accept. [laughs]

Me, too, Leland. Thanks.

I'll leave it to Douglas to fill you in on the particulars.

And as I'm sure you'd both like a moment's privacy

to more adequately express your mutual pleasure,

I will take this opportunity to excuse myself.

[telephone rings]

For your signature.

Great outfit. Very sexy.

Thank you.

Okay, I give up.

- What'd I do? - Nothing.

Rox, you're treating me like a pan full of used kitty litter.

What's the matter? Rox?

How could you let yourself get involved with that woman?

- What woman? - Hillary Mishkin.

It is totally unprofessional.

I'm not involved with her.

Then what was that kiss I walked in on?

- Oral testimony. - Ha!

Rox, I'm representing her in a divorce.

She undresses you every time she looks at you, the slut.

Rox! I don't like it any more than you do.

It makes me feel used, and dirty, sort of.

Then why do you do it?

Arnie: Because these women are in pain.

They're so vulnerable, powerless,

rejected, low self-esteem,

and they look to me for friendship and support.

Sometimes they need something more,

like a kiss to make them feel feminine again.

Arnie: Is that so terrible?

I guess not.

Believe me, I get no thrill from it,

but how do I say no without being an insensitive jerk?

Oh, I'm the insensitive jerk.

I got possessive and jealous.

I'm sorry.

Hey, you're my pussycat,

and don't you forget it.

Oh, Arnie, sometimes I forget what a good man you are.

Get outta here. Wait. Give me a kiss.

[instrumental music]

Kuzak: Mr. Finneman, if you would, describe your health.

It stinks.

Could you be a little more specific than that?

I have cardiomyopathy.

Kuzak: I see. And what's the prognosis?

Well, without a transplant which they won't give me,

it's incurable and degenerative.

Mr. Finneman, I know how painful

this must be to contemplate,

but have your doctors told you

how much longer you have to live?

[scoffs] Doctors.

If you're interested, ask them.

Your Honor, you have before you medical records

attesting to the fact that Mr. Finneman

has less than four months to live.

And you have no right, no damn right,

to tell me I can't be freeze dried!

Kuzak: Mr. Finneman, what is your objection to being buried?

No one's gonna stuff me into a damn black box

six feet underground.

Well, cremation would solve that problem, wouldn't it?

How'd you like to be incinerated

with all your flesh roasted off your...

Which brings us to freeze drying.

Which not one, not one of your damn so called experts

has proven for one second that there's anything wrong with!

Mr. Finneman, if you can, could you tell the Court...

why it is that being freeze dried

is so important to you?

Why I want to be freeze dried is my business.

If I wanna sit out on a bench under my gazebo...

so I can see my swimming pool,

my tennis court, my house,

Finneman: who the hell am I hurting?

If I wanna feel the rain on my face

or feel the warmth of the sun

or just let the birds poop all over me,

whose damn business is it?

[coughing] Whose... Whose damn business...

Under the circumstances, Mr. Kuzak, Mr. Spitzer,

I'd like to meet with all the principles in chambers.

I'm frankly at a loss here.

If I should decide against Mr. Finneman's suit

Wallace: for declaratory relief, there are grounds for appeal.

You're damn right there are.

Wallace: Likewise, if I were to find for the plaintiff.

Now in as much as I am merely

your garden variety Superior Court judge

and, well, learned hand,

and in so far as time is of the essence,

isn't there some way we can navigate our way

out of this legal mess?

It's their suit, Your Honor.

Our hands are tied.

Mr. Kuzak?

I believe my client is adamant

Kuzak: in his pursuit of relief, Your Honor.

How old are you, Mr. Finneman?

I'm 64.

Well, I'm on the back nine myself,

and while I'm not crazy about the thought of dying,

it's a fact of life I know I have to accept.

Spare me the lecture.

You're not the one who's dying.

Finneman: Why can't-- why can't I do what I want?

It's my right!

What about your family's rights, Mr. Finneman?

You have this idea in your head

that you're gonna be freeze dried

and stuck on a bench in your back yard.

Wallace: Alright, let's imagine just for the hell of it

I said, okay, go ahead.

What about the people you're leaving behind?

Your children, your wife?

How is she supposed to have a party with you out there?

What if she wants to bring a date home?

Or what if she decides to sell the house?

Who'd wanna buy it with you

sitting out there under the gazebo?

No one's gonna sell that house from under me.

The point is, Mr. Finneman,

you're refusing to accept the reality of death,

Wallace: the fact that the world will go on

about its business without you.

That your wife will have a life without you.

Your children will grow old without you.

Oh, will you shut up!

That if only you can be freeze dried,

you can cheat the Grim Reaper, hmm?

Leave him be. Stop badgering him.

I'm just trying to understand, Mrs. Finneman.

I have to make a decision.

Help me out here, Mr. Finneman, will you, please?

I need to know why it's so important to you.

When I was a boy, I used to lie in bed

in the pitch dark wide awake,

trying not to think about it, but I couldn't stop.

I'd imagine myself dead in a box

six feet under the ground.

Total darkness, straining to see, straining to hear.

I can't move my hands more than an inch above my face.

My brain's screaming, "Let me out of here,"

knowing that I was trapped, dead forever.

In a million years from now,

I'm only starting to be dead forever.

[crying]

I'd start to whimper.

Mrs. Finneman, you've been silent throughout.

What's your feeling about all this?

It's his life.

If it's what he wants, he should have it.

Is it what you want?

No, but I'm not afraid like he is.

If it was up to you, Mrs. Finneman,

what would you do?

If it was up to me...

I would die with him.

Hey, hey, hey, no, no!

Don't say that.

So that we could be together, baby boy.

That's why you're so afraid.

You always hated being alone.

I'm so scared. Why do I have to die?

It's not fair! [crying]

It's not fair.

Life is not fair, sweet boy.

Life is just life.

Mr. Finneman.

Mr. Finneman.

In my own mind, I haven't yet decided this case,

Wallace: but given the issues in question here,

what I'd like to do if it's agreeable with everybody

is set aside your complaint for now.

That's fine with me.

Mr. Finneman?

I'll do whatever you want.

Burial, cremation, whatever.

Wallace: Take your time. Talk it over.

And God bless you, sir.

[indistinct chatter]

Trick or treat, counselor.

Bit of both.

- Oh, excuse me. - Sorry.

Kevin and Grace, I can't tell you

Judge: what a privilege and a pleasure it is for me

to be joining the two of you in matrimony on this day.

And I can only hope I'll have the privilege and

pleasure of swearing in the bride

as Municipal Court Judge of the Seventh District.

Thank you.

Judge: Now for the matter at hand.

Do you, Kevin Crenshaw,

Judge: take this woman, Grace Van Owen...

[knock on door]

Excuse me. I hope I'm not too late.

Excuse me. I think you're looking

for the Wallerstein party.

It's on the ninth floor.

Actually, I'd like to have

a few words with Ms. Van Owen.

Kuzak: It is still Van Owen, isn't it?

Look, pal, whoever you are, we're...

It's alright. This will only be a moment.

[chuckles] What? I'm in the middle of getting married.

Just tell me that that's the guy

that you wanna spend the rest of your life with.

The rest of your life, Gracie.

Just tell me that and I'm outta here

and I'll never bother you again.

Look, I don't know who you are,

but if you don't leave here right now,

- I'm gonna call the sheriff. - Gracie?

I know this is a hell of a time to say this,

but I'm in love with you.

Gracie, you want me to throw this guy out of here?

Just give me a minute, Kevin.

Walk out of here with me now.

I don't know.

Well, you better make up your mind quick,

because they're getting impatient.

I'm sorry, Kevin.

Mom, Daddy, I'm so sorry.

Well, let's go before I change my mind.

Hey, yo, ape man!

Leon's my name and photography's my game.

How about a snapshot of the bride and groom, huh?

Definitely.

Thanks.

- Ten bucks, my man. - Ten bucks?

- You got any cash? - No.

Forget it. No pockets.

So, uh, what's it gonna be with us, Kuzak?

I don't know.

I thought maybe Santa Barbara.

I didn't mean just tonight.

There's something you have to know about me, Grace.

I'm probably not as good

at planning the future as you are.

But no big deal, right?

I mean, you probably had to cancel a dinner date.

I love you, Grace...

and I'm just happy to be with you.

Are you happy? [waves crashing]

That's funny.

You don't look very happy.

[crying] Oh, damn it!

[instrumental music]

I love you, you big ape.

[music continues]

[theme music]