Original subtitles

[chattering]

-[shouts] -[shouts] Oh, sorry.

Oh, Goopy. Ah, it's okay.

Hey, Federov. You know you can replicate a larger towel, right?

It's not his fault. We're all packed in here.

Yeah, I love the Cerritos, but it's a workhorse.

It definitely wasn't designed for all this crew.

Usually, I don't mind the lack of personal space,

but recently, it's been too chaotic.

I don't know, I think it's kinda fun. We're in the middle of the action.

We're getting our hands dirty, even when we sleep.

-[screaming] -Huh?

[distorted] I am Minooki.

-We got an ancient mask situation here. -The what now?

This is the third time it's happened. Stop touching masks!

-I will rebuild my palace. [laughs] -[Ransom] No, no, no! Captain!

Zenrox tilling his fields in the spring. The spring!

[Freeman] You cannot contain Minooki.

-Captain. Jerna, before the dawn. -[Ransom] Captain!

Oh, yeah. It's super fun to be in the action.

I just tuned that.

[Freeman] Captain's log.

Once again, the Cerritos was partially transformed into a temple

while I was inhabited by the spirit of Minooki.

Starfleet has to come up with a better way

to handle these D'Arsay archive situations.

Lieutenant Commander Billups and his engineers

have been working around the clock

to repair the systems that turned into vines and aqueducts.

I'm worried the additional work has taken an emotional toll.

Well, it's taken some time, but we've removed all the sacrificial altars

from the essential systems, and the ship is almost clear

of the crazy mess you made.

Uh, that Minooki made.

Right. Right. Of course. Sorry. It's been a long day.

You've been working for a week straight.

[scoffs] Have I? Well, I guess time's lost all meaning.

Doctor T'Ana has raised some concerns, Lieutenant Commander.

Her medical opinion is that you are "a [bleep] pile of stress."

I'm fine. The doc just needs to stay in her lane,

'cause I don't go down to her sickbay and tell her how to hypo her sprays.

[sighs] I've been leaning on your team pretty hard the last month.

And we've got this huge project with the Carlsbad coming> up--

Oh, more work! Great.

You can admit when you need a break. It's not a sign of weakness.

I'm not weak! [grunts]

-[sobbing] -[groans]

Let it all out.

This little breakdown is exactly why I arranged a therapeutic getaway

for you and your team.

-A getaway? -That's right. Captain's orders.

Now, who's ready for the most relaxing, mandatory vacation of their lives?

-[Rutherford] Okeydokey. -[all] Yay.

You're bringing a tricorder instruction manual on your spa trip?

[gasps]

Yeah, something fun to read in case all the relaxing gets boring.

Hmm, I better take two.

With the captain gone, we're gonna have to be in standby.

So you won't be missing out on much here.

-Well, there's the room lottery. -Right. I forgot that was coming up.

Four separate quarters opened up on Deck 1!

Deck 1? Those are the penthouse suites.

[gasps] I could fit so many beakers in there!

The next time captain's possessed by a haunted mask,

I could just close the door.

So I am missing out.

Don't worry about it. We'll enter your name.

Not like it'll matter. Room lottery has always been weighted for higher stations.

Lower deckers don't end up in fancy rooms.

Who knows? Maybe we'll get lucky.

-[grunts] -[grunts, shouts]

-I'm sorry. -[gasps] Goopy! Get back here.

-[panting] -[squeaking]

[muttering]

[grunts, sighs]

-[ensign] It'll be super easy. -[gasps]

Delta shift!

We access the terminal on Deck 9, change a few lines of code,

then the stupid lottery algorithm will have to pick us.

Uh, but what about the turbolift records? We're gonna get caught.

[ensign] Not if we go in the back way.

There's no active monitoring in the auxiliary corridors.

We'll be untraceable.

You're right. Deck 1, here we come! [whooping]

[whooping, laughing]

[grunts]

And then they all laughed in that mean, Delta-shift way they do.

Delta shift's the worst. How are they even in Starfleet?

They should all join the Maquis.

Well, those jerks figured out how to rig the lottery using an air gap terminal.

[sighs] They're definitely getting those Deck 1 rooms.

No way. No. We gotta get to that terminal and beat them at their own game.

[gasps] But isn't that... cheating?

So is the whole room lottery.

After all the times we've been cheated, we'll just be evening things out.

And if we don't do something, they will.

Ooh, I've always wanted to explore an ethical gray area.

Yes! Let's go gray area the [bleep] outta Delta shift.

Ah, Captain Freeman and her engineers.

Welcome to the Dove.

I'm Toz, and my mission is your relaxation.

I understand your department's been under some intense pressure.

Right. You know, just doing our job. So, how long is this gonna take anyway?

Here on the Dove, we've mastered the science of relaxation.

Wristbands. Lemonade.

These bands monitor your tension levels

so we can adjust your treatment accordingly.

Yellow indicates you're all experiencing moderate stress.

But soon enough, we'll have you green across the board.

The puppy playpen is one of our most popular offerings.

For the more deviant among you, we also have kittens. No judgment.

Our baths feature mud imported directly from the healing bogs of Tellar Prime.

Temperature and viscosity are bespoke.

Everyone has a different way of relaxing.

[screams]

-Look at the joy on his face. -[laughing]

He's actually gone way over his time. We're afraid to end his session.

We can't wait to see what you have prepared for us.

Isn't that right, Mr. Billup--

Billups! What are you doing?

[yawns] Sorry. Yeah, we noticed that the hatch--

The sliding hatch, it wasn't operating and--

We fixed the door.

-[sighs] -We must begin the program immediately.

Here's the terminal room.

The Deltas are going there through the auxiliary corridors.

But we can get there faster if we cut through the maintenance systems.

It's gonna be a hike, and probably some tight fits,

but it should get us there first.

Hey, I will gladly get chin-deep in a waste conduit

if it means beating those stupid Deltas.

All right. The shortcut starts through a panel in the back of Holodeck 3.

[Tendi groans] There's a program running. We're gonna have to wait it out--

No time. Just stay low.

Huh. Oh, I know what this is. I think this is what people used to use

to store their money. It's called a "bonk"?

Oh, what a boring program.

"Yes, hello. I'd like to withdraw some paper with no intrinsic value."

[chuckles] Money.

-[T'Ana yowls] -[all screaming]

Everybody down. This is a robbery.

Hands up where I can see 'em.

I didn't wake up today planning on blowing anyone's brains out.

But don't push me.

Son of a-- Ah, [bleep]. It's the feds.

Over here.

[officer] You're surrounded!

Bring it, scumbags. We're not scared of you.

[shouts]

[T'Ana cackling]

-Computer, deactivate safety protocols. -What?

Eat hot lead! [laughs]

Computer, pause program.

Whoo! [whimpers]

-[sizzling] -Ah! [groans]

What the hell? I was about to blast 'em.

[sighs] What are we doing?

The usual. We off these feds, and once our blood's pumping,

we'll do the nasty on the counter and make the hostages watch.

-[Shaxs] What are we doing, as a couple? -Just shoot me instead.

What are you talking about? You love crime-play.

[Shaxs] When was the last time you asked me about my dreams?

Or how my mission went? I died and we never even talked about it.

Does baby need to suckle on one of mama's--

Will you put those away, Diane?

Diane is her kinky sex name?

-This is worse than the shoot-out! -Okay, we have to go.

-[Shaxs] I want us to share our feelings! -Got it. In here!

-[Shaxs] Our secrets! -Okay, bigs. I'll tell you a secret.

It's something I would kill if anyone else ever knew...

Oh, God. Hurry, hurry!

I've never told anyone how I lost my tail.

Oh, yes!

[Boimler] Tendi, come on!

No, I've always wanted to know.

Hey. Can we set the mood?

Computer, resume program.

-[T'Ana] I was on the Algonquin. -[shouts]

Aw, man.

[Boimler] All right. We're making great time.

No way is Delta shift beating us to that terminal.

They better not. This is taking forever.

I think the view from our new quarters will more than make up for it.

Plus, we're in parts of the ship almost nobody gets to see!

I think this is super cool.

-[sloshing] -[groans, gags]

If by "super cool" you mean "super gross." Why do we even have a swamp on board?

We're under the hydroponics bay.

It's great for biomedical research, or just for flower fans.

What kind of weirdo signs up for a job in outer space just to garden?

Ah, the path to Kamata in spring--

[chuckling] Oh, Gramble. His throat slit by his mistress.

[gasps]

A Tamarian def rin root. They can grow without water.

All they need is high levels of nitrous oxide.

Is it safe for us to be breathing that?

Oh. Well, I know Orions are immune to its hallucinogenic properties.

[distorted] But as for humans...

Um...

Boimler, what is up with your head? You look like a goddamn sea creature.

[chuckles]

My head? What about your arms? [laughing]

Yeah. I mean, I don't hate it though.

Hey, guys. This is actually so funny. Look at this.

It says oxygen levels are depleting. [laughing]

[laughs] I can taste sounds. What?

[high-pitched] We have to get out of here.

"We have to get outta here." [chuckles]

How? It's a maze! [echoes]

What?

Wha-- What maze?

You guys stay here and feed the rabbits. I'm gonna find a way through this maze.

No!

-I am trapped inside of an egg. -Come on!

-No, leave me alone. I don't wanna hatch. -[Boimler] I found the door.

-[groans] We have to go. Now! -No, I don't want to.

[Boimler grunting]

-Hyah! -Ow!

I said go! Hyah! Hyah!

Why are you being so mean? Ow!

[grunts, sighs]

Whoo! Sorry-- Sorry about that whole egg thing.

That's okay. I'm sorry I made you hatch.

It's okay. It's just-- Oh, it was so warm in there.

[sighs] That Tellarite mud bath was phenomenal.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

And even more pleased to see your team taking full advantage of our sand garden.

Feeling your stress slide away into the sand?

Oh, yeah. We're really cooking.

Nice-- Wait a minute. Is that a design schematic?

Yep. This little honey will improve the Cerritos engine efficiency by .5%.

No. No, no, no. You are here to relax.

Like, look, Meredith's got the right idea.

Mmm. Right there. That's the spot.

Ensign. Working out all those kinks?

Oh, yeah. It's just about ready to get tested.

I'm sorry, excuse me? [groans] This is unbelievable.

Sorry. Was I the only one sneaking in a little build-time?

Relax! Why won't they relax? This is ridiculous.

I'm all for adventure, Boims.

But it'd be nice if your little shortcut wasn't actually more of a long cut.

Look, I know.

It's just, after all these retrofits, a lot of this stuff isn't even labeled.

I mean, like this. Uh, ladies first?

-Absolutely not. -Yeah, right.

Cool, cool, I got this.

-Holy cow! -Ooh!

Whoa, check it out. Gravity's super low.

Okay, this is a much better room.

Whoo-hoo! All right, Boims, I'll give you this one.

This is a good shortcut.

[laughing]

[Boimler] Look at me go. It feels so free to do this without an EV suit.

Come on, Boimler. Delta shift probably isn't goofing off like this.

We gotta go if we wanna beat them.

Ha! I'm not Boimler. I'm Antigrav Boy, protector of the lower decks!

Whoo-hoo!

Commander, small asteroid cluster is approaching.

Should I target with all phasers?

What? No! This is what we have a deflector for.

Reroute power and let the dish take care of it.

[beeping]

[whooshing]

-Uh-oh. -[gasps]

[screams] Help me!

-[screams, groans] -Whoa!

[grunting]

He's getting flattened! We need to make a tether!

Got it!

-[Boimler] Oh, my God! Oh, no! -Hold on!

-[Tendi grunts] -[screams]

Mariner! Pull!

[grunts]

[grunts] Ow, ow, ow!

-Antigrav Boy. [chuckles] -[chuckles]

Ha, ha, ha.

The human ritual of mani-pedis is renowned across the quadrant

for its calming power.

Also, I knew it would keep their eyes covered and hands busy.

Well, seems like you finally figured out how to make them relax.

[Toz] Not a single yellow wristband in the bunch.

[chuckles] Feeling good, Mr. Rutherford?

Yeah, Captain. It's about time these little piggies got pampered.

If you like that, you'll love the manicure.

Oh, just the pedi's fine.

Come on, you can't have a pedi without a mani.

It's like a pedi for your hand-toes.

No, thanks. Not for me.

Wait a minute. Did you slide a cucumber slice under your wristband

to block the sensor?

You engineered a work-around to your own stress meter?

-I'm sorry! We wanted you to be happy. -Damn it.

What the hell were you thinking?

That the cucumber's hydrophilic skin creates a natural fil--

Can it, Meredith!

Sorry, Captain. We just didn't want our stress to stress you out.

This is a direct attack.

I came here thinking you respected me enough to give it a fair shot. But no.

-No! My engineers don't respect me. -That's not true!

It's just one deception after another!

I must be the worst captain in the whole freaking fleet. A total joke!

-Am I amusing you? -[gasps] We have a black-bander on Deck 4.

Repeat, a black-bander on 4. This is not a drill!

Don't touch me! Just stand down! I am a captain!

We've been treating the wrong patient! This woman is under incredible stress!

She hasn't recently been possessed by any ancient artifacts, has she?

Uh... maybe a couple?

[gasps] Intensive treatment! Now! Move!

Engineers! All of them. All of them are all goddamn Geordi La Forges.

-What's gonna happen to her? -She's been repressing

months' worth of stress, and you brought it all out.

If she doesn't respond to treatment, I'll have to send her to Earth

for a full medical diagnostic.

But that would take her away from the Cerritos.

Something that could've been avoided if you'd followed my treatments.

But no, you just had to be hardworking. [groans]

She's right. We didn't make an effort today.

If that's what the captain needs, then we need to figure out a way

-to stop engineering and start relaxing. -[gasps]

Sir, I think I know what we shouldn't do!

[all grunting]

This vent opens for ten seconds once every hour.

When it does, we'll have a straight shot to the terminal.

Great, so what do we do now?

All we have to do is wait.

When you get your room, what are you gonna say to let people in?

Riker says, "Come," but, like, "Come!"

So I guess I'll do that. Do I sound cool? Come!

I wish I could make fun, but it does sound cool.

I was thinking, "Enter, friend." So then whoever comes in is your friend.

-[chuckles] I'm gonna say "come" too. -No, don't do that. That's mine.

-I like it. Come! -Come!

-Come! -Enter, friend!

[grunts]

Oh, great.

Beta shifters? What the hell are you freaks doing down here?

Same as you, Delta shift.

What took you so long, huh?

Tuckered out from staying up past your bedtimes?

You know what? Yeah. We're tired and we've been through hell to get here.

I can't believe you're trying to bone in on our room lottery plan.

Aren't you Beta shifters always crowing about how ethical you are?

You sure you'll be able to live with yourselves if you hack that terminal?

I don't know, I just feel like all the Deck 1 perks and privacy

will help us deal with it.

Well, we're not going anywhere.

Yeah, I didn't crawl through a leftover Minooki aqueduct for nothing.

I'm drenched down to my soul.

At least you weren't in the holodeck for Shaxs's and T'Ana's foreplay fantasy.

Oh, man! You ran into them too?

We heard them going to town from behind stellar cartography.

Aw, I knew they were making progress.

Yeah. They were definitely making something.

[all chuckling]

-No! -Ew. Barf!

[laughs] I doubt they'll ever let Doctor Migleemo choose

which nebula to scan again after that.

I got a good one. I got a really good one.

Remember when Ransom got turned into a caveman

and they locked him in the cafeteria?

So, apparently, when he was in there,

he replicated this weird doll out of churros

and carried it around like it was his wife.

Everyone knows that. People called her "Churrolivia."

Okay, but did you know he still has the doll?

-Churro-doll wife? No. -What? No!

I heard he keeps it somewhere in his office

'cause of, like, a primordial bond he has with it.

It does always smell like cinnamon in there. Oh, no.

Come on, that caveman thing was, like, six months ago.

The churros would all be dried out by now.

He keeps it refreshed.

-No! Gross. -No way!

You know, we're really not, like, that different.

I feel like a big part of why we haven't gotten along

is just you're asleep when we're awake.

But spending this time together, it's actually been nice.

Yeah, you guys are all right.

Too bad when the vent opens, we won't have this anymore.

It would be better if all us lower deckers stuck together.

Why don't we? We could all walk through together.

Yeah! Put all our names into the lottery. At least it'll make it an even split.

I like it. Let us lower deckers have the luck for once.

And then no matter who gets the rooms, we come out of it with new friends.

Delta shift and Beta shift working together.

-[beeps] -Got it! Quick! Quick!

Nice try, Betas! Delta shift!

Goddamn you [bleep] Delta shift pieces of--

-[pups yelping] -[shuddering, muttering]

Tried-- Tried to do a good thing. Trying--

Get away from me, dog!

This is bad. Increase puppy levels!

That's all we've got. We even tossed in a couple of bunnies.

-They had no effect! -Oh, [bleep].

I'm gonna call it. Somebody get me Starfleet Medical on the horn.

Stop!

-[whines] -Aw, not you, little guys.

Keep on pupping.

Haven't you done enough damage? Get outta here!

Captain, you were right.

-[grunts] -Letting go of stress is key

and we finally figured out how.

Bring it in!

Did you dismantle one of my turbolifts?

We have engineered a machine that removes stress!

You built this?

The whole point of this trip was to stop working.

We know, Captain.

But it turns out, for us, there is no greater stress relief

-than engineering a solution to a problem. -[wristbands chiming]

No, this is preposterous. Ready the captain for transfer.

Captain, please. Ten seconds in this pod

will give you the same therapeutic benefits of a month spent on the Dove.

Will you try it? We can't afford to lose you.

[beeping]

[sighs] All right, fine.

Wait, how does this work?

-[whirring] -[Freeman groans] Whoa. Ah! Oh!

Captain? How do you feel?

That was...

incredible.

Oh, it was better than a thousand massages combined.

Oh, my God! I feel like a new woman!

Remarkable. Your levels have all returned to baseline.

What an amazing device.

With one of these on every ship, Starfleet will no longer even need the Dove.

And you can thank the Cerritos engineers for that.

Come on, team. Let's get back to work.

-Yes, work! -[bleep] yeah!

Oh, yeah. Bye-bye. Yeah.

I want this thing ejected from my ship right now!

-But it's exactly what we-- -I said get rid of it!

God, after everything we went through, stupid Delta shift won!

I can't believe I laughed at their caveman Ransom story.

It's probably fake, just like they are.

Stupid Delta shift stabbed us in the back and left us in a puddle of Minooki water.

Hey, check it out, it's draining.

Great, I'll just put that fun detail in my personal log

right after the part where we got betrayed.

This might bypass the vent!

It's not on the map.

I don't know. There could be incinerators down there.

Huh. Doesn't feel hot. I guess it'll take someone bold to find out.

-Boimler, no. That's a bad idea. -Antigrav Boy!

-No, Boimler, don't! -No!

[Boimler] I'm fine! It was fun. Come on in!

[sighs] We really need to do something about this Bold Boimler thing.

It is not sustainable.

-[grunting] All right. -[screaming] Whoo!

That was fun!

Yeah, and this goes right up to the terminal. We're right there!

And no Delta shifters in sight.

Yep. 'Cause fortune favors the bold.

Don't. Don't with the bold thing.

[gasps]

[console beeping]

[Tendi] I can't believe we did it!

Joke's on them for leaving us behind. Now there's no way we're sharing.

Just gonna make sure our names are the only ones on the list.

Then lock the Deltas out. Oh, no, no, no!

This says there aren't four rooms on Deck 1, it's one room on Deck 4.

Only one?

Wait, so who should get it?

It would mean being on a different deck all by yourself.

We wouldn't get to have days like this anymore.

Even with all the peril, it was really fun just being together.

Yeah. And we're only gonna be lower deckers for so long.

I mean, in no time, Tendi's gonna be a bridge officer.

I'll probably get drummed out of Starfleet for calling Ransom a piece of [bleep].

And, Boimler, you'll be dead because of the whole being bold thing.

If even one of us takes that room, it'll break us up forever.

And you know who really deserves that?

[all] Delta shift.

Yeah, let's just walk away and let them ruin their friendship.

[all laughing]

Beta shifters stick together.

[chuckles] Stupid Delta shift.

Yeah, come check out the room. We're having a party tonight.

Come on by, it's huge!

I can't believe they're sharing that one room.

God, they just put four beds in there

and now it's like their private party quarters.

-Why didn't we think of that? -I don't know. We were tired.

Hey, why didn't you guys grab that room for me?

-We didn't think you would want it. -Of course I wanted it.

What are you talking about? We all wanted it.

'Cause, you know, Beta shifters stick together.

We still could have!

We kinda got caught up in the "all for one, one for all" spirit.

That's the definition of one for all. One room for all of us!

Hey, relax, man.

I am relaxed! I just got back from a spa.

Listen, I heard that Delta shift is having a private party tonight

and we gotta get on that list. We can go back to the terminal.

-No. -Come on, you said it was fun.

Not that fun.

Hey, how's it going? Okay.

Computer, 35 churros in an unmarked paper bag. Hot.

[beeps]

Pew pew! Pew, pew, pew! Pew pew!

Chirp.