Original subtitles

Take little jobs Just to get by

Kids are dying On the corner

Just trying to be fly

Everybody on the ave Wants to be a star

Big coats and diamonds With fancy cars

Everything that glitters Is gold, is gold

Everything that glitters Is gold, is gold

Everything that glitters Is gold, is gold

Everything that glitters Is gold, is gold

Money is the root Of all evil

It's hard time Through the crime

With the paper dough

Stop it and let go of my bag!

Leave her bag alone. You guys are so stupid.

-Anyway, -Hey, man.

Like I was saying, when I get older,

I'm gonna marry Prince.

I'm gonna marry Michael Jackson.

-No, you're not. -Zenobia,

you need to be thinking about Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

or Darryl Dawkins.

Yeah, you definitely need a giant.

That ain't funny, Phil.

Why am I laughing?

Y'all need to shut up and let go of my bag.

Ow! That hurt!

You know, if you weren't a girl, I would--

You wouldn't do a thing.

Z, you need to pick on somebody your own size.

Zen, Zenobia, get back here

and leave those stupid boys alone.

Let's get her.

One day, I'm gonna beat them up.

-You always say that. -I'm gonna get you.

-I'm tired of all the teasing. -Quit it.

I can't help it. I'm tall.

I wish I was tall like you because when I get older,

I would be a model. You know, models are real tall.

I'm not pretty.

Yes, you are.

You're prettier than me.

You're just saying that because we're best friends.

No, I'm not.

Michael Jackson will never marry me.

Prince will never marry me, so we even.

-You know what? -What?

When we get older, we're both gonna get married,

have a bunch of kids,

and we're gonna live next door to each other.

Yeah, and our daughters can be best friends like us.

And our husbands can be best friends.

Girl, you tripping.

Shut up, boy, and bring me back my book!

Cleavon. Cleavon!

Cleavon!

Phil, over here.

-What took y'all so long? -I had to go, girl.

You always have to go.

Whew. Whatever, dude.

-Happy birthday, Zen! -Ah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, happy birthday.

-Hi, baby. -Mwah.

How did you get out the house tonight?

What, I bought my house. I come and go as I please.

Yeah. Right. No, you don't.

-Coco watching the kids? -Uh, no, they're at my mom's.

-Mm. -Oh, where's Coco?

She's out with friends.

-Oh. -Okay.

-Hm. -Yeah.

Hm, did you invite her to come party with us?

Oh, well, she had these plans for a while, you know,

planned, so you know what I'm saying.

Phil, why do you always let her do you like that?

Like what?

You're kidding me, right?

-Guys... -What is this?

Hey, actually, you know what? Uh, Phil, "this" is an adjective

that's used to describe something.

You didn't really describe anything.

No it's not. "This" is a pronoun that activates a verb.

What? No. It's not. You're wrong.

"This" is an adjective that's used to accentuate a noun,

or it can be used as an adverb or some modifier, okay? Yes.

-Okay, you guys, hold up. -A sub-modifier?

-A sub-modifier. -Okay, hold up, you guys.

You guys, Phil, you know what I'm talking about.

No, Vic. What exactly are you talking about?

You know this is not the time nor the place, so...

Mm. [clears throat] Where's your husband?

I'm sorry I even brought this up.

Real quick, can I say something to you?

Did you see how she used the word "this"?

As an adjective.

-It's a pronoun. -It's an adjective!

-A pronoun! -Will you shut up?

Shut up, please. Thank you.

Where's Austin, Vic?

Can't we just get back to celebrating?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

-Hello, this is my birthday. -You always drop these bombs,

and you walk away from the carnage,

leaving everybody else wounded, so where's Austin?

Yeah, guys, this is my birthday party, okay?

-I'm gonna have fun. -Hey, what'd you just say?

What'd you just say, Zen?

"This is my birthday party," adjective.

-Pronoun. -It's an adjective!

-It's a pronoun! -Shut up, please.

Come here. Can I speak to you for a second, please?

I got nothing else to say about it.

Can't we just celebrate?

I got a sweet spot Straight for the lips

I've got to take you back To the club

You know, I'm getting really sick of you

talking negative about Coco.

Look, I apologize for bringing it up in front of everybody, but

-we can all see... -I gotta to the bathroom.

All right. Okay. So I need to go.

Fine, I'll hold it. I'll hold it.

You know, everybody's marriage is different, okay?

Living it large

I mean, how long you and Austin been together, two years?

No. We've been together for three years.

Okay, three years, is everything perfect?

Of course not.

You know, I love her. She loves me.

She's a good wife and a good mother.

I don't always need you and Zen looking down your nose at her.

You're right.

I am sorry. Do you accept my apology?

Yeah, of course I do.

Thank you, and I promise I'll stay out your business.

-It's just that we all love you. -I know.

-I know. -Okay.

I got a sweet spot Straight for the lips

Give me a hug.

Shorty, shake what your mama Gave you

-Excuse me a second. All right? -All right.

Shorty, shake what your mama Gave you, uh-huh

That's right, shorty, Shake what your mama gave you

Uh-huh

-Who's that girl? -Who?

The girl right there.

-The girl right there? -Wait, don't point.

-Put your hand down. -Ow!

-Why would you do that? -Damn, Zen.

Why don't you go over there and ask her her name?

I can't do that. You know I'm shy.

Shy? Boy, you about to be 36 years old.

Get off your ass and go...

Never mind. Excuse me!

-What are you doing? -Hi!

-Oh, this is embarrassing. -It's embarrassing?

-Yeah. Zen! -Hi! Yeah, you...

Can you come over here for a second?

Oh, okay, here she comes. Get up. Get up. Get up.

-Here she comes. -You drank too much.

Stand up. Here she comes. Stand up. Stand up. Stand up.

-Stand up. Stand up. -It's my birthday!

-Sit down. Sit down. Sit down. -Why?

Sit down because you're taller than me!

Tell me what to say. What do I say?

You ask her her name, tell her she's pretty

and don't tell her you're unemployed.

Okay, I wouldn't say that because I'm not unemployed.

-I got a job. -No.

-You know I got a job. -No. You don't have a job.

-Yes, I do have a job. -No, you don't.

-Shh, shh, here she comes. -All right. Look normal.

-Here she comes. Look normal. -Hey!

Hey, girl.

Uh, I saw you come in with my friend Shavelle.

Oh, you're the birthday girl!

-Yeah. Hi, Zenobia. -Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. This is my friend Cleavon.

He's a little shy. He's been that way his whole life.

-Nice to meet you. -Yeah. Hey.

-She's, uh, she's just playing. -No. I'm not.

-She's playing. -No. I'm not.

Uh, so,

[stutters ] I'm Cleave,

Cleavon. Cleavon, yes.

Uh, it's a pleasure.

It's a pleasure to meet you, too.

It's a pleasure to meet you, as well.

Yeah, she, uh, she had a few.

Yeah. Okay.

Mmh-hmm.

I see you like to party

So it's, um, it's a nice club.

Yeah, oh, yeah, uh, it is, yep.

I see you like to party

Yeah.

So you come here often?

Uh, no, nope, no.

No, never been, nope.

Nope.

[smacks lips]

Well, it was very nice to meet you.

-Yeah! -So I'll see you.

Wait, uh, wait, excuse me.

[stutters] You got a second?

-Yeah. Yeah. -Yeah? Uh, yeah, you know,

I probably do get a little nervous

when I'm around, like, beautiful women and stuff.

-Oh. -Finally a good line.

-Okay. -You're killing me over here.

All right. Thank you,

-Hey, girl. -Zen.

So, what do you do?

I am just finishing up nursing school.

Okay, yeah, cool.

So what do you do?

-Hm? -What do you do?

My... Oh, my job.

I work at a bank, work in, like, a bank.

-Like a teller or... -No.

Huh?

Yeah, teller, what?

Girl, no.

I do too much stuff to be a teller.

I'm in charge of, like, deposits, do all the deposits.

That's my,

that's my friend Victoria.

I, uh, I grew up with her, yeah.

She's a good friend of mine.

Oh, that's my friend Phil right there.

-Hey, Phil. -Hey.

This is, uh, Falinda.

-How you doing, Falinda? -Yeah.

-Nice to meet you. -That's Phil.

Good to meet you. Listen, um, I gotta go, guys.

Why do you have to go?

Um, got to pick the kids up tonight.

This is the worst birthday ever.

Oh, you're not leaving because of me, are you?

-Stop it, Vic. -Okay.

Look, why can't Coco pick them up?

It's my birthday!

I'm out.

-Yeah, Coco is... -What's wrong with him?

That's Phil's wife. He got to go pick them up.

-Hey, Z! -Hey, Shavelle.

-Happy birthday, girl! -Thank you.

When we gonna get some more drinks?

You know what? It's Jackie's birthday, too.

-Who's Jackie? -Jackie?

I'm on the phone.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, what's that? What's that?

Are you talking to me?

Come on, now. I'm looking you

right in your face, silly girl.

It's a pomegranate saketini, okay?

Hey, and how you doing?

Oh, this is Victoria.

-Hey, Vicky. -Hey, y'all.

She cute. Look here, y'all. Let's go on upstairs. All right?

Come on, Fa. Come on, La.

Come on, Fa.

You gonna drink that?

Yeah, I was going...

You can have it.

You was acting like you wasn't gonna drink it.

Yeah, tell me what you want

Mh. You should've drank that, mh.

Wait for me, girl!

Oh, my friends are... so, bye.

Yeah, no, I got it because I got to do some stuff

-and a thing, too. -Nice to meet you guys.

-All right! -See you.

Okay.

Hey, woo, yeah.

-Girlfriends. -Mm.

But did you get her number?

Damn it. No. You know, I knew I forgot something.

I did. Wow.

Does she have a man?

Damn it. I didn't even...

Well, how old is she?

-I gotta go pee. -Again?

-I'm gonna go pee. -Can I have your drink?

You can have it, girl.

Hey, babe, uh, I'm on my way to pick up the kids at Mom's,

so if you get this message, call me.

Love you.

Aw, that poor little honey.

He is never gonna find anyone, ever.

-You feel bad for him? -I do.

Well, you should feel bad for me

because I'm never gonna find anyone.

Uh, okay, yes, you will, Zenobia.

No. I'm not. Uh, look around.

This place is full of men and absolutely no prospects for me.

I'm knocking on 40's door, and-- [upbeat music starts]

-Do you hear that? -Girl, yes, that's my song.

-No. No. Not the song. -Hey!

Do you hear the clock ticking? Do you hear it?

-Okay, you are really... -It's my biological clock.

It's ticking, Victoria, and I just...

-You're being silly. -No. I'm not.

Yes, you are.

You know, I'm not trying to have any kids at 40 years old.

I'll take my kids to nursery school,

and they're gonna say, "Is that your grandmama?"

It's not cute!

You need to stop limiting yourself

and kind of lower the bar a little bit.

Psh, there is no bar.

You have set a very high standard, my dear.

I'm laid out.

Excuse me.

Hello, ladies.

This is Nick West.

-Okay. -Yes.

-Hello. -Hey, how you doing?

Hey, I just, uh, wanted to come over and introduce myself

and, uh, meet your girl here from TV.

You the one from TV, right, Zenobia Cartwright, right?

-Hi. -Hey.

You're Nick West from "The Wolves", hey.

Aw, baby, in the flesh. [laughter]

Yeah, uh, so, you here with anybody tonight?

Yeah, I am.

-Oh. -I'm with her.

-Oh, you with her? -Yes.

Oh, as in with her?

Well, yeah, she's my girlfriend.

Well, your girlfriend as in your girlfriend?

You know what? I got to make a call.

Oh, you've gotta make a call.

Loud as it is up in here, she got to make a call.

[laughter]

Yeah, no.

[cell phone rings]

Uh-huh.

Incoming. [laughter]

Yeah.

So, uh, what's your name here, shorty, huh?

Mrs. Married.

Oh, well, you should have stayed your married ass at home then.

They coming out married these days,

and you wouldn't be the first married woman

that Nick West had had, wouldn't be the last.

I might put your husband on payroll.

Come on, y'all. Let's find a bar.

Let's go.

-Girl, the shoes. -Wait a minute, the suit...

-The shoes. -I couldn't get past...

-The suit, the glasses... -...the suit, girl.

[soft snoring] [ominous music]

[door creaks and shuts]

Hey.

Ooh. Phone.

Did you get my calls?

Baby, my, um...

my phone is dead, so...

Couldn't you have called? I was worried about you.

You know that I was out with my girls.

Yeah, I know that, but you could have called

and checked on your kids.

I told you my phone is dead, and you know what?

I don't--

I don't have time for this because I'm tired.

Okay, you gonna help me put the kids to bed?

I'm tired. Phil, I just walked in the door.

Keep your voice down.

I just walked in the door.

-Can I at least just get some... -You know what? It's fine.

-...time to... -It's fine.

Can I just please just get some time to get situated?

Take your time, all the time you need.

"Take all the time you need".

Oh, goodness.

[Coco sighs softly]

[cell phone vibrates] [suspenseful piano music]

[Coco moans softly]

-Your dead phone is ringing. -Baby, I'm too tired to talk.

The phone you told me was dead is ringing.

Who the hell is calling you at 2:30 in the morning?

Can we please talk about this in the morning?

I'm too tired. I'm too tired.

[casual RnB music]

-God... -What?

I'm so ready for that.

-For what? -That.

[talks baby talk]

A baby?

-Yes. -[laughs]

What? Look, I'm single.

-I'm 37, and I'm -"And I am not trying to"

-not trying to wait... -"wait until I'm a baby"

-"to have a 40-year-old baby." -You know...

I hear you, the whole biological clock thing, ticking.

I get it. I get it.

Well, isn't yours?

Yeah.

A baby would be nice.

-Look. -[gasps]

[both] Aw!

You and Austin have been married for three years.

What are you waiting for?

Girl, I'm not waiting for anything.

It's mainly Austin.

He wants to wait until our finances

are a little bit more stable.

Well, I'm not waiting anymore for Mr. Right.

-Mm. -Just. [clicks tongue]

[gasps] Oh, I have a great idea.

What?

Why don't you come over after your last broadcast?

I know where we could find you a good man, girl,

I mean, good, clean and wholesome.

-Oh, no, nuh-uh. -What?

-All right, girl. I gotta go. -All right.

I'll call you later. Thanks for giving me a ride.

You're welcome. Have a great day.

You too!

[car honks]

[ambient music]

-Hey, Cleavon. -Hey, Donya. [clears throat]

Don't forget to sign in. It's gonna be a minute today.

Why? What's the deal?

The other technician quit.

-What? -Mm-hm.

-Hey, uh, Donya, question. -Yeah, what?

If I gave a little more than 2 tablespoons,

you think maybe I can get some extra money?

We've gone through this before, honey.

I just don't think it's fair,

Okay? I'm drinking two gallons of water a day.

I know for a fact that I produce way more than maximum.

Cleavon,

it's $100 for a donation.

Rules are rules.

It's not right.

It's not right, and you know it's not right.

What will it be for you today? Want a DVD or "Busty & Lusty"?

That's not funny. What you're doing is not funny.

Uh-huh. Hold the train.

How about this one, "Booty and the Beast"?

-Okay. -Oh, wait, this is real popular.

You might like this, "Nasty Neanderthals."

Can you keep your voice down please? Please?

You gonna need a courtesy pack?

-Yeah. I'm gonna need a pack. -All right.

You want petroleum or lotion?

Don't put them... Just give me the lotion.

-Mm-hmm. -Give me the lotion.

You gonna need the goggles this time?

I don't know why I would need the goggles.

All right. Here's some wet wipes.

I don't need the wet wipe. Thank you.

Thank you, Donya. Thank you.

Wait, wait, Cleavon.

You forgot to pick a magazine. Did you want the--

Give me the "Nasty Neanderthals".

Give it to me.

[quirky music]

Keep it moving, man. Nothing to see here.

[music continues]

Thought you was looking out, man.

Man, I really don't want no part in this.

Can you just go ahead and look out, please?

If your father knew you were doing this.

Man, water is water.

People can taste the difference in the water, bro.

No they can't.

Your father built this company from the ground up,

and you gonna take him down.

Will you just go get some more empty bottles,

so we can get out of here?

You know people can see us, right? You're not invisible.

Would you get some bottles, man?

[music continues]

Come on, man.

Phil, I thought that was you.

Why you peeking around the corner all crazy?

Phil? What's up, TQ?

-What's up, Cleavon? -What y'all doing over here?

What does it look like? Taking a break.

Oh, okay, right.

How's you guys working today? I just got off myself.

I'm sure you did.

Oh, that's funny. Oh, that's really funny.

Got two more deliveries, right?

-Yes, sir. -Oh, okay.

That's it, huh? You done?

-Yes. -Cool, cool.

Hey, real quick, man, why you always got something

to say about my job?

-Cleav, it's not a job, bro. -It's not a job?

No. It's not a job.

Okay, so if I get a check for doing what I do,

that doesn't put it in the same category as me having a job?

Because I got a check.

You don't believe me? I'll show you my check.

Oh, in your face. Thank you, check...

-It's very nice. -...work.

It's a public service that I'm doing for people.

-Is that work for or on? -[chuckles]

Oh, now, you-- you two are just...

You should go on the road with these jokes that you got today.

Hey, what happened to that, um, honey

from the other night?

-Uh, Linda? -Yeah, Linda.

-It's Fa, Falinda. -Okay, Fa, Fa, Falinda,

-what happened to her? -Messed it up.

How's that, Cleav?

I didn't get her number, man.

Damn, bruh. She was pretty.

I don't know she was pretty, Phil?

I didn't see her? Come on, man.

I just told you I messed up. I already know.

Well, maybe you'll see her again.

I did some, I'm just gonna tell you,

and you tell me how you feel about it.

It could be, like, semistalker-ish,

but I went and I, uh,

I called every nursing school in the county

just to try to see if she was enrolled in them,

and I didn't come up with nothing,

but now I'm scared that if she does enroll, they gonna be like,

"This guy called here, like, seven times."

Why didn't you just Google her, bruh?

You know, Google her, you just...

I don't know her last name.

-Come on, man. -Not good, bruh.

-I know it's not good, Phil. -Got to go, Cleav. Can we go?

Hey, hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You going to the bowling thing, right, Friday night?

-Uh... -Vic is in.

Yeah, not gonna be able to make that one.

Oh, they're gonna be pissed. They're gonna be pissed at you.

Yeah, well, I got to see if Coco has

plans. I might need to watch the kids. All right?

Okay, why can't Coco call you and see if you have plans?

You wouldn't understand, Cleav.

-Right. -Now, I got to go.

-I got to get back to work... -Okay.

-...at a job. -Mm, booyah.

TQ, hey, always good to see you.

Don't hit the van, man.

All right, man.

[quirky music]

You always have business-management classes.

I know. I know. Come on, I do this all the time.

-You should be used to that. -But I need--

-Stop tripping. -Girl, they tried to arrest me!

So what? Do I look like I give a damn?

You told me I could use your car.

Yes, I did.

Well, why'd you call the police and report it stolen?

That ain't even relevant.

Girl, do you know I spent a half a day

at the police department?

Do you see this finger?

It's been missing something for the last half decade.

Why you keep sweating me?

Because you know what? I am so sick and tired

of seeing everybody around me

getting married, Harold.

-Like who? -My cousin Shonda.

Francisco married her to get a green card.

-What about Janeece and Collin? -Prison weddings don't work!

He's doing life!

Okay, what about Keisha and Carvel?

He married her because your spouse

can't testify against you in the court of law.

How about that, now, uh?

Oh! [slapping]

-Green card! -Go! Get back!

That's why I ain't marrying you. I got to go.

You need to lose the key on that.

-Whatever. -Yeah, you need to go somewhere.

Yeah, yeah, uh-huh.

Open the door.

Hey, Callise, let me get my phone.

What? You got to be tripping.

Girl, you better give me my phone.

You know what? Here.

-I need-- -Take it.

They cutting it off tomorrow anyway,

so it don't -- it don't even matter.

Babe, I got to leave soon.

I know you have 20 minutes for some dessert.

Girl, you know I ain't got no time for that.

Oh.

Are you sure?

Nope.

Mm, mm-hmm.

-Mm. -Mm-hmm.

Can I have some caramel with my cafe mocha?

Mm-hmm. [chuckles]

-Hmm. -Mm.

So sexy, so sexy

Take your time, Don't rush your love

Don't rush your love

The way you put it on me

Oh

Girl, it affects me

It affects me

All I want to do is...

Oh

Oh

Mm.

Am I worth being late for?

Most definitely.

-Mm-hmm. -Mm.

Baby, you can go ahead and take the car.

I'm not gonna have time to get dressed,

and I'll just jog over and pick it up later.

-You sure? -Yes, baby.

I'm gonna take a little nap and get ready

for round two tonight.

-All right, now. -Yeah.

Oh, wait, babe.

I'm supposed to meet the fellas after work,

so I might be a little late.

It's okay. I can wait for you.

-That's my girl. -Mm.

-See you later. -Have a good rest of the day.

-Thank you. -Mm.

Jason was thrown out of the game

for undercutting Nick on a drive to the basket.

Nick West, five-time all-star is here with us today.

How are you doing, Nick?

Fine, thank you, I mean, considering.

Ah, Zenobia, I just want to say, um,

Nick West was extremely pleased to meet you the other night.

On the tape, it didn't look like Jason

was intentionally trying to undercut you.

Well, maybe you might need to rewind that highlight film

because that was a straight hater move.

He was definitely trying to undercut Nick West,

and that's why my teammates rushed the floor like they did.

You know what I'm saying? [laughter]

Well, actually, in the play before,

you elbow him in the jaw.

Well, Zenobia, I mean, basketball is a man's sport.

It's a rough gang. Elbows come with the territory.

Plus the referee didn't see that,

so no harm, no foul. [laughter]

-I guess so. -You know, I just wonder,

can I say on national television that you are fine as hell?

No, you can't.

America, look at Zenobia Cartwright.

She is a cold piece of work, capital F, capital I,

capital N, capital E, capitals, all capitals, just fine.

You know what I'm saying? [laughter]

Let's take a look at your conference.

Mm, I'd love to have a conference with you.

Right now, your team is on top of the division.

-How does that make you feel? -Hmm, good.

Nick West love to be on top.

Don't you?

Let's take a look at your game.

Do you prefer facing the basket or backing people down?

[laughter]

Well, Zenobia, you know, Nick West gets it in,

and I definitely love to face in the basket,

strong to the hole all dang long.

Nick West like to go down. You know what I'm saying?

-Nick, thanks for coming in. -Mm-hmm.

Let's go to Raoul Ramirez with the coverage of the U.S. Open.

-Thank you. -Clear.

-Really? Really? -What? Calm down, girl.

Girl, you know you're too pretty to be

all mad and angry like that.

We really should go out sometime.

-Jimmy! -No, no, no, no, hold up, girl.

Why you gotta be all like that? What you, about 5'10", 5'11"?

I mean, we could make a cold team, girl.

You know what? You don't need to say another other word to me.

Why you gotta be like that?

Girl, we could have a starting five.

I'll put a nice little power forward right all up in...

-Will you get... -Hey, oh, hold up!

-What the heck? -Don't you put your hands on me!

-What the hell wrong with you? -Security!

I know this trick didn't just slap Nick West.

Did y'all get that on films? Did y'all get that?

Hold up. I mean, what the hell you gonna do?

Security! Security!

You see this? You see this gator?

Endangered species, and it will bite your ass.

-Bite your ass. -You got a shoe?

I got a shoe, too. I got a shoe, too.

You and the rest of the Skittles need to get up and out of here!

-I like 'em yelling mad. -Okay.

[crickets chirping]

Mm, mm. [giggling]

[baby crying]

Wait, I know you're not stopping.

All this crying not distracting you?

No. No. Just... She'll stop.

Come on. Yeah.

Mm.

[crying continues]

That crying is not bothering you?

Ugh.

Just get off me and get her before she wakes up PJ.

Why don't you go get her?

Because I have to make a phone call.

[crying continues]

I couldn't believe it.

Cathy said she was gonna come down there and kick his ass.

She might be corporate, but she got some hood in her.

I love working for a black woman.

The reason why I don't want to get married!

Just shut up and pull your pants down!

Put your pants on the ground!

This is the last time you gonna do this to me here.

-You know what? -Here.

Get your hand out the way!

Will you get your hand out the way?

They smell like soap!

How the hell they gonna smell like soap, Harold?

You been working all day!

I went home, and I took a shower.

You didn't have time to go home for lunch, Harold.

Yes, I did.

That's a lie, Harold.

Why do you smell like Irish Spring?

Why does it smell like Irish Spring?

Who'd you go to lunch with?

I ain't go to lunch with nobody.

-You did. Stop lying. -Tired of you...

You hate Irish Spring!

-...accusing me of cheating, man!

Harold, won't you tell the truth?

Who you go to lunch with? Huh?

I ain't go to lunch with nobody.

Well, they ain't supposed to smell soapy.

They smell soapy!

Okay, now you upset about they smell.

First you was saying, "Your balls smell sweaty,

they smell sweaty." Now they smell like soap.

You mad about that.

Harold, who you go to lunch with?

I went to lunch with my balls and no soap.

-I told you I wasn't cheating. -Crazy.

How about I hit the balls with a baby wipe?

A baby wipe ain't going to hit them balls.

I hit the balls with a baby wipe, I'm telling you.

You been working all day, and you gonna swipe it

with a baby wipe?

This is what it smelled like earlier today.

Ew, that's nasty.

Now, I'm telling you, I ain't got to lie.

My balls have smelled the same since I was 2.

Call my mother now and ask her.

I don't need to call your mama,

I know what your balls smell like,

and they don't smell like Irish Spring.

-Get the key. -I'm trying!

Oh, girl, I can't believe she's giving him the smell test.

She is so insecure. I mean,

who does stuff like that?

Why don't you tell me what this big idea

about finding me a man is?

-Huh? -Bam.

-The Internet? -Yes, girl.

Haven't you seen them commercials on television?

Girl, please.

Girl, I don't do Internet dating.

Well, right now, you're not doing any dating.

You need to give yourself some options.

I know, but there are a lot of freaks on the Internet.

Look, I went online this afternoon,

found some interesting guys.

Come on, Zen. It can't hurt to take a look.

Okay, what is this?

-Solidsoulmates.com? -Yes, ma'am.

Oh, look at him. Look, look.

Ooh, he is kind of cute. Click his profile.

Oh, I already marked his page.

I don't know about all this.

-Listen. -What?

-Hear that? -Hear what?

That ticking noise.

Who was just talking about their biological clock was ticking?

Ticktock, ticktock, tick.

Look, I know, but my face is recognizable.

Zen, this stuff is totally confidential.

You're tripping.

Wait a minute. I do hear the ticking.

Okay, let's start with him, Zane Thomas.

Hmm.

Wow, he looks young for his age.

Yeah, he does have a baby face, but he's cute.

Well, hello, Zane.

Oh, hey, Zen.

-Hey, Austin. -Hi, honey.

Okay, so, uh, I walk in, and you close the laptop

as if you got something to hide.

-Really? -No.

-What you doing? -Excuse me.

-Move over. Move over. -What?

-Baby? -Let go.

-No. -If you got nothing to hide,

-why you tripping? Let go. -You let go!

Wait, wait, wait, Zen, it is his laptop.

[sighs] God.

Solidsoulmates.com?

This is so embarrassing.

-What? -Okay, that's enough.

I said stop.

-Baby! -Okay, okay, okay.

All I know is, this better be for her.

Anyway, just, ugh.

I don't know why you going on here anyway.

I hooked you up with a couple of guys.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, I remember, Xavier.

-Uh-huh. -He's in a dance troupe now.

Okay, well, that didn't work out so well,

but what about Alfredo Ascue?

You blew him off.

-Nice guy, -Wow.

professional athlete, tall,single and just...

Orange suits with shoes to match, hello? No.

You know what? I went to school with that man.

Okay, that is a good man.

He asked about you the other day, as a matter of fact.

Asked you about what?

He wanted to know what happened.

I didn't know whether I was going to the club with him

or going trick-or-treating. That's what happened.

That's why you single now because you're too picky, punk.

I gotta take a shower.

-Candy corn. -You guys.

-That was so not comfortable. -He was just playing.

-I got to go. -All right, girl.

Well, just take my car because I got to take a shower.

-Are you sure? -Oh, yeah.

She do this every week, man.

And if you don't want me, why keep my Xbox?

-All right. -All right. Be careful.

-Bye. -All I want is my Xbox.

-Girl. -What?

-The police are here. -[gasps] Oh, move!

Let me see, let me see.

-Harold's getting arrested. -Let me see.

But we'll get to the bottom of it, no problem.

See, that's what I'm talking about, see?

-Mm. -The whole apartment...

-Did he see us? Did he see us? -He did see us.

-Okay. -Okay.

-I'll call you later. -Go.

Because she just hollered out my name

-and did all kind of stuff. -Right.

You making sure they know you for sure now.

-And there... -Excuse me,

aren't you Zenobia Cartwright from Net Central Sports?

-Yes, hi. -Yes, indeed.

-How are you? -I'm good, thanks.

I didn't realize you were so tall.

Yeah, TV subtracts 5 inches and adds 15 pounds.

Look like they put it in all the right places to me.

What you think? My, oh, my.

-Thank you, officer. -Mm.

Hey, I like what you did with Nick.

That was, that was really, really nice.

-Wow. -Well, I'm calm now.

-So is she answering? -No, she still ain't answering.

Let's try this right here. Let's try this right here.

-Excuse me, Callise. -Okay.

-This is the police. -Please, please, sir.

Please bring your ass out of here.

-Can you be quiet? -We're not gonna...

Okay, so you want another charge against you?

-I don't want another charge. -Okay.

-Sir, relax. -Can you please be quiet?

-I am gonna be. -Ma'am,

we'll come back another time. Thank you so much.

Ma'am, no, we won't.

-Give us the damn Xbox. Ma'am! -Let's throw him out of here.

[casual music]

-I'm ready. -Ooh, round two?

No. I'm ready to have a baby.

Oh, man, come on, not again.

-What you mean, "Not again"? -I told you, we're not ready.

No, you're not ready.

Look, if I get this management position

we'll have extra income, and then

-You said that... -we can talk about

-You said that -having a baby.

-two years ago when you found this job.

Why are you so obsessed about this?

-I'm not obsessed.

Okay, obviously I shouldn't have said that.

No, you shouldn't have.

I'm 37 years old. You're 34.

I don't want to wait until it's too late.

Women have babies in their 40s all the time.

40s?

You think I want to have a baby in my 40s?

Babe, we can't rush a baby.

We've been married for three years.

We have more than enough money in the bank.

All I hear is excuses from you.

-Austin? -I'm tired.

Can we just go to sleep?

-[scoffs] -[sighs]

Okay.

You thought I was ready for round two.

You wouldn't say, "Hey, I'm tired".

Now we want to talk about something

I want to talk about,

you tired all of a sudden.

Well, one of the things we have in common

is that both of our first names begin with Z.

-Good point. - Yeah.

You know, I got to tell you,

I've never done the Internet thing before.

This is definitely a first for me.

You sure about that?

I went on Soul Mates because I just got tired

of the process of dating.

It's, it's really hard out there.

Yeah, it is.

My girlfriend talked me into calling.

You sure you're not some kind of serial killer?

Girl, I haven't been in jail in 10 years.

[both laugh]

-So what do you do? -Well, I do consulting work.

I write songs, and I write poetry professionally.

Wow, you write poetry?

Yes, and, um, I'm pretty good.

Really? Well, let me hear some.

Nah.

-Come on. -My stuff is a little different.

Well, I'm a little different.

Okay.

"The river runs deep

in the land once inhabited by few.

The path was there, as I noted the morning dew.

Transparency...

...is the order of the days.

Wrapped in a blanket is where life lays.

There's a light from the sun,

the smoke from a gun.

It's time to put the package to sleep

in the middle of the river where it runs deep."

That was nice.

A little scary, but nice.

I thought you might like it.

I'm really not done with it yet.

I'm really proud of that piece,

but, you know, it's definitely uplifting.

Oh, huh.

So let's talk about you. Uh, what kind of work do you do?

I'm a broadcaster.

-Radio? -No, TV.

TV?

You're not Zenobia Cartwright, are you?

-Yes, I am. -[chuckles]

How'd you guess?

How many people you know named Zenobia?

I guess that's true.

Well, you know, now at least I don't have to ask

what you look like.

I guess not.

Zenobia, you are very beautiful.

Thank you. Thank you, Zane.

Listen,

can we hook up?

Let's do lunch.

No, no, no, no, no.

You are way too fine for lunch.

Let's do dinner.

Oh, well, dinner is when I get to know you better.

Well, I kind of work during the day, so...

...dinner is my only option.

[reflective music]

Hello?

No, I'm here. I'm here. Okay, dinner.

Do you know where Net Central Sports is?

Yeah, it's about 20 minutes away from me.

Oh, really? Okay, well, then how about Saturday night

after my last broadcast, um, 8:30?

That's great. Hey, Zenobia. I hope you can dance.

Well, I can't wait.

-Will you guys hurry up? -Can you just wait a minute?

Hey, what was taking so long is waiting on 13s for women!

Stop it.

You are heavy-handed.

-Where's Phil? -I don't know.

-He said he'd be here later. -Um, excuse me, um, these stink.

Could I possibly just get another pair?

Thank you.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, right, I'm delivering a message.

That's all I am is the messenger.

He said he'd be here late. He'll be here.

No, no, no, these stink, too.

There ain't nothing wrong with these, sweetie.

-Did she just call me sweetie? -Yeah, she did.

Well, I'm gonna need another pair, sweetie.

All right.

-Zen, they bowling shoes. -They stink!

They're gonna stink! It's bowling shoes!

-...no nasty shoe! -Oh, right, okay.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

-Oh, hey. Wait a minute. -Thank you.

[coughs]

Hey, Falinda.

-Hey. How are you? -Hey.

Obama!

I'm sorry. I don't remember your name.

It's Cleavon, Cleavon Henry.

Remember, you met me at Zenobia's party?

-Oh, yeah. Hey! -Yeah.

Hey.

-Hey. -Oh girl.

-Hi, Zenobia. -How you doing?

-How are you? -I'm good. Lane six, boy.

I will see you there.

-So... -So...

How's, uh, how's school going?

How'd you know I was in school?

You told me at the party.

You said you were in school. You're studying to be an RN.

Yeah, yeah, LVN.

-Right. -No, yeah, yeah,

LVN, I'm sorry.

Yeah, it was going good. I graduate next week.

-Oh. -Then comes the hard part.

-What's that? What's the hard part?

Looking for a job.

-Ah. -Yeah.

-Okay. -Hey, what took you so long?

Hey, baby, trying to find a parking space.

-It's crazy out there. -Oh, okay.

Oh, I'm sorry. This is Roderick.

-Oh, hey. -How you doing?

Cleavon.

-How you doing, champ? -How you doing?

All right. Hey babe,

can you get me a size 15?

-So I'll get your favorite ball. -Okay.

-All right. Be right back. - All right.

-Good meeting you, too, man. -Hey, ditto.

I didn't, uh,

I didn't know you had a boyfriend.

Oh, no, he's not my boyfriend.

He's just a friend, someone I kick it with.

Oh, you kick it. What's kick it?

Someone I hang out with time to time?

Oh, okay, yeah.

Hey, I was wondering, I don't know, before you leave,

would it be weird if I got you--

-Oh. -Look, babe,

-I found your favorite ball. -There it is.

-Mm-hmm. -Next in line, please.

-Okay, that's us, so... -Oh.

It was good to see you again.

-Yeah, no. All right. Same here -Okay.

-Right. -All right.

-All right, man. -All right, big fella.

-Okay. -Yeah.

Cool. He's funny.

Cleavon, come on! You holding the game up!

Yeah, let's go!

I'm coming now. Got to get my shoes.

I'll get them. I'll come back and get them.

-We waiting on Phil anyway! -No, we waiting on you.

Put the ball in my face, man! He put the ball in my face.

[buoyant music]

I need to speak to you for a second.

Yo, man, what's up?

Falinda, I need to talk to you, and I need to get your number.

Cleavon, you're putting me in a very awkward position right now.

Will you sit down, bitch?

Cleavon, I don't even know you!

Yeah, and you about to get socked up.

Okay, just please let me handle this.

Cleavon, why are you doing this?

I don't know. All right.

Do you believe in love at first sight?

I mean, yeah. It happens.

Okay, I cannot get you out of my head.

I mean, I see your face in my dreams.

You got about 30 more seconds.

Didn't I just tell you to sit down?

Cleavon, I need to get back to bowling,

so I'll give you my number after we leave here, okay?

I'm in love with you.

I don't know what to say.

-Say nothing. -[gasps] Oh.

[screams] [punch]

Cleavon! What's wrong with you?

Excuse me. How you doing? Oh.

Oh, hey, Cleav. Uh, three times in one week,

you going for the record.

Well, it's not normally this crowded on a Saturday.

I know.

Hey, when they gonna get you some help in here anyway?

-Soon, I hope. -Hey, how long I gotta wait?

I could slip you into room three.

Are you serious? Thank you.

-Mm-hmm. -I got stuff to do today.

You gonna need a courtesy pack?

Why do you have to talk so loud?

Everybody in here is in here for the same reason.

Do you want a pack or not?

-Give me the pack. -Okay. You want petroleum

-Just give me the pack. -or lotion?

I know you like that lotion.

-Gonna need any goggles today? -No, I don't.

Keep them down there. Thank you.

Oh, we got some new magazines.

We got "Little Blow Peeps"

-and the "Esophagus Girls." -Give me the DVD.

Alrighty. What about this?

"Butt Pirates of the Bahamas."

Put the DVD back. I'll take the magazine.

-Thank you. Room three, right? -Room three.

Every day with you.

-You better watch yourself. -You watch yourself, Donya.

[yells] Get out of here!

Uh, nobody was supposed to be in here.

What are you doing?

Oh, no, so violent.

[sighs]

It's going on 2 1/2 days, and you're still not speaking?

-And? -"And"?

-When you gonna talk? -I ain't got nothing to say.

You know, I'm starting to get sick of this.

-That would make two of us. -What do you want from me?

I am ready to start a family.

Oh, come on, Vic.

Do you know how it feels, how degrading it is

to have to beg someone you committed your whole life to

to have a baby?

-I'm going to the gym. -That's right.

Run like a little boy, like you always do.

Oh, okay.

So now we back on my age again?

Do I always have to get these snarky, little boy comments?

When the facts come up, that's what you do.

-You run. -Just what are the facts?

The fact is, I'm ready to start a family.

I want to have a baby. That's what married couples do.

They reproduce.

I am tired of you

I am tired of you putting so much pressure on me.

I can't even enjoy having sex with you

because I feel like you're trying to set me up.

Wait a minute, set you up?

Set you up? How do I set up my husband?

I am your wife, Austin!

How am I setting you up? No, come back out here!

Austin, boy, you better come back out here.

-We are not finished. -You want to talk about facts?

Yeah, I want to talk about the facts.

Fact number one, I know your body better than you do.

I know what time of the month you're ovulating

and that's when you really put pressure on me

-to have sex with you. -That is not true.

I'm on the pill, and you still pull out.

Do you know how humiliating that makes me feel?

I am not some jump-off. I'm your wife!

Let me finish.

Fact number two, I don't always have to work late

I just don't want to come home.

-Okay, that's enough. -Fact number three,

-Austin, stop. Austin. -fact number three,

the real reason I don't want to have a baby

with you is because...

...I don't know how long I'm gonna be married to you.

[exhales]

[news fanfare]

And Nick West was whistled once again for the flagrant foul

and ejected. His team loses

loses by 20. That's it for me tonight.

I'm Zenobia Cartwright and more Central Sports

coming up next with Dave Richards after the break.

Good night.

- And we're clear. -We're good? Okay.

Yeah. Oh, yeah,

I did that already. Thank you so much, sweetie.

Okay.

[indistinct chatter]

Jimmy, I think we got it. How you doing?

-Hi. Zenobia. -Yes?

It's me, Zane.

Zane? Hi, I didn't recognize you.

You look much ol-- different

from your pictures on the Internet.

Yeah, I got to update my pictures.

Is that gonna be a problem?

No. No, it's not.

-Good. -So, what's next?

Uh, well, I was thinking maybe we could take you home.

You could change, and then we could go out to dinner,

and then maybe later do a little dancing.

But why should I change?

Well, you're just kind of a little dressy.

This isn't dressy, is it?

Uh, well, um,

maybe it's the red that's throwing me off.

You serious?

Nah, girl, I'm just playing.

Okay, because I didn't know what was going on.

Well, you know, I had you going now.

-You did. You're funny. -Yeah, it's cool.

-So let's go have dinner. -Yeah, let's go.

We'll have a nice car outside for us.

-Oh, wow. Let me get my things. -Okay, I'm right behind you.

-Wow, you got a limo. -Yeah.

Anything for you, baby. Your chariot awaits.

Okay.

[music playing over earphones]

You just went out last night.

Okay, what the hell are you doing?

You just went out with the girls last night.

Do I have to remind you that you are my husband

and not my daddy?

Can we spend at least one night together at home as a family?

Okay, you are such a drama queen.

We spend a lot of time together, Phil.

-A drama queen? -Yeah.

Okay, now you pissing me off.

Coco, you not 17 anymore. You're a wife and a mother.

And I have a life.

Why did you marry me?

[footsteps]

PJ, go in there and watch TV. Daddy will be there in a minute.

Okay, well, just stop yelling, please.

[clears throat]

I hope you were telling me that because he's in the room,

not he's the reason why you married me.

Don't ask questions if you don't like the answer.

You didn't have to marry me because you were pregnant, Coco.

I didn't sign up for all this, Phil.

-Sign up for what? -This!

These kids, this marriage, this life!

Wow.

Do you love your kids?

Oh, that's a stupid question. I had them.

You haven't bonded with any of our children.

They didn't sign up for that.

[scoffs]

Um, you know what?

I'm gonna hurry up

because my ride is gonna be here in a minute.

Uh, you said you never want To let go

But what are you holding for

When we both know

That we are no more

Uh, I used to close my eyes

And see the thing In my dreams

I used to bow my head and ask For nothing but good things

What happened to me

We got to stay focused. You know what I'm saying?

He can't play with it.

Hold up, I think I just found my next baby mama.

[laughter]

Yo, what's up, shorty.

You know you too fine to be sitting up in here alone.

I prefer to be left alone right now.

-Oh, okay. Well, I just-- -Nick West, I'm a big fan.

-Will you sign my hat? -It's cool. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I, uh, I don't have a pen,

-player. -Oh, I got one. I got one.

All right.

Hey, so they blew that flagrant foul call on you, man.

I wanted to kill those referees, but I didn't have my gun.

[laughter]

He ain't had his gun!

My man! All right.

Now, I'd love to talk to you, man, but as you can see,

I'm a little bit busy.

-Oh, my bad. -Yeah.

-Hey Nick. -Huh?

-Take it to the playoffs, man. -I'll take you there.

[laughs]

Hey, yo, baby. So,

what's got you being so mean, girl?

I don't mean to be rude,

but I really do not want to be bothered.

She don't want to be bothered.

Okay, well, I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna do for you.

You see, Nick West will buy you a bottle of whatever you want,

and I'm gonna just sit with you,

and you can tell me all about what that mean man did,

because I'm here for you.

No thank you.

"No thank you", huh?

"No thank you". [laughter]

Okay, okay, so that's the game you want to play.

What game?

You know, the "I'm not impressed" game.

Come on, baby.

You know I got a pocketful of money.

I play for the NBA.

Nick West could have any womens up in this place I want.

But you want to act like you unimpressed

with Nick West.

Are you looking at yourself while you're talking to me?

No, baby, I ain't looking at myself.

I'm looking at Nick West.

You might be right. I'm not impressed.

Okay. All right. It's cool.

I ain't tripping because I done seen this show before, baby.

Are you this stupid every day,

or did you make a special attempt for today?

You know, I actually saw you being interviewed on TV,

and watching you was embarrassing.

-Embarrassing? -Embarrassing.

Hold up, now. Who you talking to?

Nick West.

I want to know, why is it every time that I see you on TV,

you talk like some runaway field hand from the hood?

-Runaway field? -So back to me

being unimpressed? Uh, yeah.

You got me twisted, shorty.

That's all right, baby. Go ahead.

Play lotto, but don't play me. You might win.

See, Nick West hadn't bought smarter tricks

than dance on a pole for a living, baby.

-Really? Really? -Here, I'm gonna make it rain.

-Just like that. -Here, why don't you...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

You're not worth my glass of wine.

Good night, fellas.

Yeah, it could have been a good night.

Um,

you know what you want?

No, everything looks so good.

Everything here is great.

Thank you for agreeing to go out with me.

-It's a beautiful restaurant. -It's great.

-Hi, I'm Zane. -Ah, pleasure to meet you, sir.

And this is my, uh, date, Zenobia.

You recognize her from the sports show?

-I didn't want to say anything, -Zane!

-but it's okay. -Isn't she beautiful?

-She is. -Guys!

-What? -I'm just saying, you are.

I'm sorry, got off the subject.

Um, this escar-got

looks very interesting.

What exactly is it?

You mean escargot?

-It's snails. -Yeah, snails.

I believe I just said that.

Actually, I just need your drink order first.

Ma'am, what will you have?

I think I'll have a glass of wine.

You should try the Cabernet. She's gonna take the Cabernet.

I could get you a Cabernet, Chardonnay,

Riesling, anything you'd like.

I'll just have the house white wine.

-Okay. -That's a great choice.

A friend ordered a couple of cases of the house white wine

from Italy last year. Great, they loved it.

I actually have two to choose from.

-Either one is fine. -Okay.

Where is your, uh, list for your beers?

On the back of the menu.

Uh, you'll see that we have a wide range of beers

from around the world.

Oh.

Mm, I'm not so sure about that.

Where are your malt liquors?

Malt liquors?

Yeah, you know, like Schlitz,

Old English, that's from London.

-Thank you. -Colt 45.

I... none. What you see is what we have.

Okay, well, uh, if you don't have any malt liquors,

I'll try, um... What's this?

I think I'm gonna try the Negro Modlo.

I happen to know that's manufactured by a black company.

It's Negro Modelo.

It's a Mexican beer.

-[gasps] Oh! -I'm gonna go.

-Gracias. -De nada.

Mexican. I didn't know that.

I'm not some jump-off. I'm your wife.

The real reason I don't want to have a baby with you

is because...

I don't know how long I'm gonna be married to you.

[sentimental music]

You sure you don't want any?

This is J Rocket, some of the best champagne ever.

No, thank you.

I want you to listen to something.

-Okay. [loud hip-hop music]

All my boys on the corner

Zane, could we just turn it down just a little bit?

Here's the good part. Here's the good part.

The river runs deep

In a land once inhabited

by a few [sings along] By a few.

The path was dead

As I noticed

The morning dew [sings along] The morning dew.

Transparency was the order Of the day

Wrapped in a blanket Is where life lays

There's the light of the sun

And the smoke from a gun And the smoke from a gun.

He's telling him to put The package to sleep

In the middle of the river Where it runs deep

Y'all are not ready ever

Y'all are not ready ever

-That sound familiar? -No.

Is it possible that we could turn it down

just a little bit, though?

[music turns off] Thank you.

That's that's from the poem I read you the other day.

Oh. Nice.

[sighs] Oh.

It's getting really late, you know?

Maybe I should be getting home.

Well, we're almost at the party.

The party? [clears throat] I thought

You said something about a club, maybe.

Yeah, I was thinking that, but clubs are so weird

and so strange out here.

One of my best friends is having a nice house party.

Uh-oh. We almost here. I can see the people walking up.

Limo, pull over right here.

[faint hip-hop music]

[laughs]

-You're gonna love this. -[exhales sharply]

You're gonna love this.

...D R-A-T

Because that's the only shawty For me

I said I need A H-O-O-D R-A-T

Zane, you have to take me home right now.

Oh, come on, Zenobia. We just got here.

This is one of my buddy's parties.

-It's gonna be nice. -There's Zane!

Oh, what up! What up, man!

Oh, man. How you feeling, man?

[indistinct conversation]

-You know how we do it, baby. -Hey, hey, who's the hottie?

Oh, yeah. This is my little homegirl, Zenobia.

We been hanging out.

We about to be an item, you know what I mean?

We having a great time. She's nice.

You know how I do it, boy. She keeps it sexy, boy.

Hey, hey, you know. Hey, hey, check it out.

Check it out. Check it out.

Homegirl be doing sports on TV.

-Oh, yeah? -You know what I'm saying?

You got plenty of game.

-She got game, boy. -Yeah, I can see that.

Hey, yo, yo. How your little brother doing?

Oh, man. They had to leave

the bullet in, man, but he gonna be okay, man.

No. Man, I'm sorry to hear that, dawg.

It's all good, man. It's all good, baby.

Hey, yo, me and this man right here,

yo, I ain't seen him since we did time.

Did he say time together, Zane?

Are you wearing red? [music stops] Hey!

I need to know why this bitch is wearing red.

[silence]

Hey, you Piru?

-She ain't no Piru. -Did she just call me a bitch?

She didn't stutter.

You about to take a knee, slob.

-Yo, yo, hold up. -I am not a slob. I'm actually--

You know, you didn't have to cut my ponytail, okay?

It was clip-on.

-I didn't know. -You didn't know?

tried to save some of your hair, though.

Just take me to the station, please.

I told you that red dress wasn't working.

You were locked up?

Yeah, but I told you that. It's not like I lied.

Just, you know what? Don't talk.

[car honks]

I, um, I personally thought we had a great time tonight.

-You think we can hook up again? -[sighs]

-You're kidding, right? -Why?

Because that is never going to happen.

Well, I thought we had a great time except for the altercation.

-Are we here? -Are you saying

we're never gonna get together again?

-Never, ever. -Ever?

Never.

-What happened? -Excuse me.

-Can I ask you a favor? -What?

You want to buy some of my mixtapes?

Huh? Hey, look here.

I usually sell these for $30, but I give you a deal for $15.

All right. Look, I'll throw this whole thing in for $22.50.

Victoria. [Zane continues indistinctly]

This was the date from hell, okay?

He was, like, a 50-year-old gangster, closer to 60.

I thought we were going to a club,

-maybe a little dinner, but no. -[Zane continues in background]

We end up at a house party, and I'm wearing re--

What's wrong?

What?

Look, why you crying?

Okay, I'm gonna get in a cab, and I'll be there in a second.

-Okay? Okay. -I tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna give you the whole collection,

-All right. Bye-bye. -gonna give it to you for $10.

Hey, hey, how about you just buy this shirt for $5?

Okay. Look, I'll give you the whole

the tennis shoes, the T-shirt, and the CDs [voice fades out]

I mean, I know I packed his clothes up,

but I didn't expect him to leave.

He's probably just angry. He'll come back.

I mean, is it so wrong to wanna have a baby with your husband?

No, not at all.

Hell, I'm gonna have to go down to Cleavon's sperm bank

and get a donation at the rate I'm going.

You mean the science

-Reproductive science center. -...reproductive center.

[laughter] Oh, no, no, no.

-Sperm bank. -Sperm bank.

Girl, you look a mess. Was he really a gangster?

He was in prison.

It didn't say that on soulmates.com.

They were crip-walking at the party.

Oh, not the crip-walking at the party.

We gonna have to find you another guy.

No, no, no. All right? We're not doing that again.

Everybody is getting married, having babies.

At least we got Phil's kids, which reminds me

I have to text him to see if I can get them tomorrow.

Wait a minute. Who's getting married?

-Shavelle. -[gasps]

You're kidding. Shavelle?

-Shavelle. [chuckles] -Oh, my God.

I mean, if Shavelle can find somebody,

I don't see why it's so hard for me to find somebody.

P.S. by the way, she's having a bachelorette party next week,

and we're invited.

Yay.

-[sighs] -You know what?

[sighs] Austin's phone keeps going to voicemail.

-I'm gonna try it one more time. -Hey, hey.

Give him some time to calm down.

-Come here. -[pained sigh] Oh.

[playground noise]

PJ, PJ, don't go too far, buddy.

Be careful, sweetie.

Oh, God. I just love this little girl.

I love her so much.

Phil. Phil.

What's going on with you?

-Nothing. -Oh, come on.

I know when something is not right.

It's really nothing, okay?

You're not happy. I can see it in your eyes.

[somber music]

It's just tough, you know?

I mean, I cannot make her be a mama.

So I'm trying to be strong for the kids, and, uh...

You know, Victoria and Austin are going through it, too.

-Really? -Mm-hmm.

We're gonna go over there tonight, all of us.

I called Cleavon already. You want to come?

Yeah. I'll drop the kids off at Mom's.

Okay.

-Hey, bubba. -Zen.

Huh?

Thanks for listening.

What? What are you thanking me for?

That's what friends do. You know?

Ow.

Come home.

Vic, we need a break.

I mean, these last couple of days,

I've been able to clear my head and

I've really needed to do that.

I'm not gonna pressure you to do anything

you don't want to do, baby,

just please come home.

I'm not ready to come home.

Why?

I told you why.

Where are you staying?

At a hotel.

Just until I can find something permanent.

Permanent? Austin, you don't need to do this.

Why not? Baby, you packed my bags.

I know, but do you remember what you said to me?

Yeah.

You told me that you didn't want to have kids with me

because you didn't know how long you gonna stay married to me.

And I still don't know the answer to that question.

God, what have we been doing the last three years

of our lives, Austin?

Arguing about having a baby.

Look, I don't want kids right now,

and I don't know when I'm gonna want them.

Why didn't you say something before we got married?

I did. Baby, you weren't listening.

Austin, just come home so we can work this out.

I'm not coming home. I mean,

I'll be by tomorrow to get the rest of my stuff.

Baby, why are you doing this to me?

I don't understand, Austin. Why are you doing this to us?

-I'm getting off the phone now. -Austin, don't get off.

Austin, do not get off this phone.

Hello?

[somber piano chords]

Oh.

[cries]

Come on.

Plow! Woo-loo-loo-loo.

Stop playing! Come on. [laughter]

Bloop!

-You know what, Harold? -Okay.

[makes creaking noise]

-Really? Seriously? -What?

That ain't no diamond. That's a chip of a diamond.

Girl, this ain't no chip of a diamond.

This is a real diamond.

That's a piece of a diamond. That ain't no diamond.

-Ah, man, you that ungrateful? -Are you serious?

Are you really serious?

It's come from Africa. It's a Sierre Leone "salarium."

You can't even say what it is.

-Check this out. -What?

You wanted to get married. We getting married.

Then you wanted a ring. You got the ring.

What else a man gotta do for you?

-You know what? Get your jacket. -Huh?

Get your coat. Come on.

-Where we going? -We gonna take that ring

-back where you got it from.

Walmart close at 10:00.

Oh, you bought my ring at Walmart?

You bought my ring at Walmart?!

[tranquil music]

Let's just talk about pleasant things.

Okay. [clears throat]

I got something. You remember when we were kids,

we used to give you such a hard time about being so tall?

And you could never catch us.

I'm glad y'all caught up with me in height, though.

Well, not everybody.

Y'all just had a crush on me anyway.

Uh, ew, no, not us. Phil did.

-I did not. Not. -Phil, you did, Phil.

I remember a time during prom season.

Damn it. I gotta go pee.

Why are you always drinking so much water?

-Because it's a part of my job. -It's not a job, Cleavon.

Oh, it's not a job? Huh? Then what's this?

It's a check. From where?

From the Reproductive Science Center where I work.

It's a sperm bank.

Okay. You know, you're gonna get my check wet, man.

Yo, stop minimizing what I do, y'all.

-Sorry. -I'm serious.

Okay. Can I please finish my story?

-Yes. -Fine, go ahead.

Phil did the sweetest thing.

Oh, gosh. Do we...

How many times have we heard this story?

It was so sweet.

Phil could have taken the most popular girl in high school,

-You know I could have, too. -[both girls] Cynthia Arseno.

But instead, he took Zenobia, and that, to me,

was the ultimate gesture of love and friendship.

Nobody wanted to take me because I was, I was...

So damn tall.

-Shut up! -Okay, now, look.

-Why? -Now, look.

-Why? -I'm just calling it as it was.

-All right. -Let's stop.

I thought y'all said we was gonna talk

about something more pleasant anyway.

That's right. We said that.

I'll tell you what.

Right now, I want to perform a toast. Let's go.

Everybody, let's get your glasses.

-Toast. -This is serious.

-I'll get it. -Okay.

-[sighs] -Everybody,

-glasses up.

You gonna toast with the jug, bruh?

To friends for life.

-[all] Friends for life.

-I thought you had to go pee.

I did, but I don't have to go no more.

What? Oh, come on.

Now come on, y'all. I didn't...

Y'all just gonna assume that I did it here?

Y'all are something else.

-We need to talk. -I'm running late, Coco.

I think you need to hear what I have to say.

Okay. What's going on, Coco?

I'm not happy.

[reflective music]

Has he been around my kids?

No.

Who is he?

That doesn't matter.

You love this person?

-Yeah. -Are you in love with him?

I'm pretty sure so, yeah.

You expect me to just pack my clothes and leave my kids?

No. Mnh-mnh.

I'm leaving.

-You're leaving? -Yeah.

I need to know where you're taking my kids.

I'm not taking them.

I mean, they're gonna stay here with you.

You would abandon your kids for a man?

Yeah. See, that's what, um, I want to talk to you about

because I want to be able to talk to them and see them

and, you know, hang out with them from time to time.

You know what I'm saying, so.

[music continues]

That's very considerate of you.

Phil, you're the better parent. They should be here with you.

Where are you gonna stay?

I'm moving in with him.

[scoffs]

-You're moving in with him. -Yeah.

Who is him? Who is he?

I mean, is knowing really gonna make

that big of a difference to you?

Yeah, I need to know who my children are gonna be around.

Really? Um.

He plays in the NBA.

You leaving your family for a professional athlete?

Yeah. Is that a problem with you?

Who is he?

-Nick West. Yeah. -Nick West.

He's the biggest whore in the NBA.

What? You don't even know anything about him.

You would leave your family for him?

He loves me.

Are you sure about that, Coco?

Well, he loves me enough to want me to move in with him.

Excuse me.

So you just leave your marriage and your kids

just like that? What does that say about you?

He provides a lifestyle that I deserve.

He makes more money waking up in the morning

than you do delivering water for a whole year,

and what, Phil?

How about that?

-When are you leaving? -This afternoon.

That's not enough time for me

to find someone to watch my children.

What? My sister can take care of them.

Your sister does crack. Remember?

Oh, well, your papers are on the dresser.

That's the divorce papers, by the way, and Phil,

trust, like, I don't want anything from you.

No alimony or child support, nothing.

Because, see, I have to, like, look out for myself

and do what I want for once.

[cell phone vibrates]

Hello? Oh, hey baby.

Uh, yeah, no, no. We're all good.

I just had him on my show,

and he was flirting with me on camera.

Doesn't Coco ever watch TV?

And then he was flirting at Vic at Calloway's.

Wow. You know what?

I'm not gonna say anything,

-but I told you so. -Come on.

-You know, I really don't need to hear that right now.

You don't? Sorry.

You know what? I can take the kids

every day until 2:00.

Okay, well, if you do that,

then I'll take them from 2:00 until you get off work.

-I don't mind doing that. -You guys would do that for me?

-Of course. -Yeah.

It's easy for me to do anyway

because I work during the day, so...

Doing what at the sperm bank?

Look, it's not a sperm bank. Okay?

It's a reproductive science center, not a sperm bank.

-It's my job. -Sperm comes out.

-You put it in the bank. -It's my--

I'm not gonna talk to you about this.

Listen, guys, I appreciate this.

-Oh, it's not a problem. -This is only temporary.

until I find somebody. All right?

-Oh, yeah. Cool. -Take as long as you need.

It's no problem. He knows it's no problem.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

-That's your girl. -That's,

that's Falinda. Falinda!

Falinda!

Falinda!

Hey.

Oh. How do I look real quick? Just look at me.

Like a reproductive science center.

Okay. Falinda, hey!

-Hey! -Oh, my goodness.

-Hi. -What? Look at you!

-Hi. -Hey.

-Hey. -Hey. How you doing?

-Good. How are you? -Good.

-All right. -Okay.

All right We talked enough to them.

What are you doing here?

I, um, was actually looking for a job.

-Oh, okay, a job. -Yeah.

How's your, uh, how's your boyfriend?

You mean my friend?

I thought he was your man.

No. He was just a friend.

Oh. Okay.

Hey, you wanna go out sometime?

I don't see why not.

Are you serious?

-Yeah, of course, I'm serious. -You're not playing, right?

-No, I'm not playing. -You're serious?

I'm being dead serious.

-Okay. All right -Okay.

Um, so, uh, well, what are you doing right now?

Right now, I'm not doing nothing. I'm talking to you.

-Oh. -Just, that's it.

Don't you have to go to work?

Oh, that's right. You have banker's hours.

-Yeah, I work during the day. -[coughs]

-I'm sorry. -Yeah.

It's not really banker's hours. It's that same language,

but just with different words, kind of.

-Oh, okay. -Yeah.

Well, if you're hungry right now, I...

I mean, I could definitely eat.

Yeah, no. I could eat .

Because I ate earlier, but I didn't finish my food,

so I still got room left if you want to eat some other stuff.

-Yeah. -I'll eat some of your stuff.

-Okay. -You want to eat here?

-Yeah. -Okay, so I'll tell you what?

Let's go over there. Let's get something to eat.

-All right. -The food is really good.

Oh, thanks. Yay, I'm excited.

...that I was feeling

I've been observing you from afar

And seeing your pretty face

Lit up my day like a morning star

And this ain't even the way to work for me

But you're worth the long wait

There's so much I want to say, and it can't wait

So tell me your name

Do you know by now I got a thing for you

If you dig it, girl, I'll bet I adore you

I've been wondering how I want to show you

I'll start with hello, a simple hello

Do you know by now I got a thing for you

If you didn't know now

-It's, um-- -Watch it.

Sorry. Sorry.

-She's good. She's good. -I'm gonna leave.

-Chairs. -I'm gonna leave. We're ready.

Bye. Food is really good.

-Good meeting you, Linda. -It's Falinda.

-Falinda. -Okay.

See you guys later.

So, uh, how's the job search going?

Actually not going so good.

I was, um, thinking about moving to Atlanta because it

seems like there's better opportunities there.

Oh, well, that's definitely not a good idea.

And why not?

Well, if you move, then that'll ruin my chances

of getting to know you a little better.

You're really very cute, you know that?

Don't do that, just start doing that.

Don't give me no compliments and make me blush.

I'm dark. I don't want you to see that side of me.

Well, since you're being nice, I got a confession to make.

I'm just gonna throw it out there.

Okay. I'm just gonna say it.

-Okay? -Okay.

All right. Here it comes.

Haven't stopped thinking about you since

the first time I saw you. Boom.

-[smacks lips] -[chuckles]

-Since we're making confessions, -Okay.

there's actually something that I want to tell you, too.

All right. Go ahead.

I'm a little nervous because I don't,

I don't know how you're gonna take this, but [sighs]

[in deep voice] I used to be a man.

[normal voice] I'm just kidding.

-I'm just kidding. -Right.

-Don't look at me like that. -Right, no. You're playing.

-I'm playing. -Right?

I'm kidding.

I don't know, no. You're funny. That was funny.

That was funny.

Uh, anyway, what are you doing Friday?

I have to go to my girlfriend's bachelorette party.

-Oh, man. Okay. -Yeah.

But, um, I'd be willing to cancel that for you.

You would do that for me?

Absolutely.

Oh, I got to take a sip of water to that. Mmm.

You drink a lot of water.

It's just my system. I keep it clean for my job.

-Got you. -Yeah.

All right. So I essentially located everything here.

All right? So, uh, okay,

baby wipes. Let me get those for you.

Boom, baby wipes.

Um, if you need more baby wipes,

they're actually in the bathroom, okay?

-Okay. -Uh, what else am I forgetting?

Let me so. Oh, here.

This here is for nose and this here is Vaseline.

-It keeps her moisturized, okay? -Vaseline, got it.

Mom's work number on the fridge ready for you to call her, okay?

-Phil, get out of here. -Yeah.

-Relax. I got this. -Oh, okay. I appreciate it.

-All right, um. -Okay.

Yeah, call me if you need anything. All right?

-It's good. -All right.

Oh, um, PJ loves those buttery crackers.

-They're in the crib. -Go.

Okay.

-Bye. -All right.

That's okay.

-Oh. -No!

All right.

[peaceful music]

[music continues]

-Hey. Sorry I'm late. -Aah. Oh, God.

Oh, no. It's okay.

-Hey. -It's okay. Um,

what time is it? Okay. How'd it go with Falinda?

I got her number.

We supposed to go out on Saturday.

-What? -Huh? Huh? Give me some.

-You the man. You the man. -No, Zen.

-You the man. You are the-- -Zen. No, Zen. Zen!

-Oh, sorry. Oh, damn. -[baby crying]

Okay. Um, she probably needs to be changed,

but my shift is over. Okay?

-Congratulations. -Okay. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

What do I do? What do I do?

The instructions are over there.

Oh, you know what?

He's probably gonna call you in five, four, three, two.

[cell phone rings]

How'd you know that?

He's called me every 10 minutes.

Bye.

Uh, yeah. I just got here.

Girl, will you come on? [laughter]

Do they want tickets?

You know, we can let the kids sit in the box. [Laughter]

Where you going, Mommy?

Mommy will be back in a few days, okay?

Okay.

[silent]

Come on, PJ. Let's go. Come on, buddy.

Come on, baby.

You want Nick West's hamstrings to get tight?

It's colder than a witch's titty out here.

We got a championship to win.

Can you say playoff? [laughter]

Whoa! What is that? It's a jump shot.

Oh, hop in, girl. Mm. Nick West like that dress.

[sentimental music]

[engine starts]

So, you ever been to Vintage before?

Nope. This is my first time.

-This is your first time? -Mm-hmm.

Well, we got to make your first time a good time.

-This is a good time [chuckles] -Wait a minute.

I'm being rude. How's the job search going?

It's going good. I have an interview on Monday

in Atlanta.

-In Atlanta. -Yeah.

-I don't want you to get it. -That's not very nice.

Well, I don't want you to leave me.

That's the problem.

I mean, honestly, I feel like I could take care of you.

-I could. -Don't be silly.

No, silly would be me letting you out of my life.

That would be silly.

Just promise me one thing. At least keep looking here.

Do that for me.

I'll think about it.

-Think about it. -Think about it.

[laughter]

Excuse me for a second.

Where are you going?

I got something I need to say to somebody.

Sit down, bitch.

-It's cool. -Excuse me.

Boy, Coco, you are a foul, despicable person.

You know that?

What's your problem, little man?

-Shut up, bitch. -[giggles ]That's good.

I know good and well you ain't talking to Nick West,

A.K.A. Nick the Quick, like that.

You can either A.K.A. sit your ass down or get laid down.

-Pick one. -Is that right?

Position his head, please. Little more to the left.

-Get off my head, man. -Right there.

[Coco cackles] Oh, my hat. My hat, please.

[voice echoes] Cleavon.

Cleavon, hey. Hey!

What are you doing?

Oh, nothing.

Nothing. Just looking at my friend's future ex-wife.

Oh.

Well, I'd prefer you be looking at me.

I would prefer that, too. I'm sorry. Thank you.

Thank you for a great evening.

I can tell, girl

That you've had Some hard times in your life

Baby, just take my hand

And let me show you A better way

Let me shower you With the finer things

Oh

I lift mine eyes

Up to the hills

From which cometh my help

I'll lift mine eyes

To the hills

From which cometh my help

His will be done

-Well, hey, Cleve, courtesy kit? -Hey.

It's not that crowded in here today, huh?

Well, no. They finally got me some help.

I'm happy for you.

And what will it be for you today?

We got "Mr. Milf", "Sassy, Showered and Shaven".

Those are pretty popular.

[whistles] I'm gonna go with the "Shaven".

I don't know what happened to you.

I haven't seen you on Monday, on Tuesday.

We almost went bankrupt without you being in here.

Nice.

Oh, hey, Cleavon.

-Real nice. -This is the new girl.

This is Falinda. Falinda, that's Cleavon.

He's one of our very best customers.

Get to know him, girl, because he's here

-almost every other day. -No, no, no.

No, no, no.

Cleavon usually likes the courtesy pack.

You gonna need the goggles today, Cleve?

-Uh... -I know you like your lotion.

He's a lotion man.

Here you go. All right. Guess what?

Room three is open right now. You can go ahead on in.

I think that's all ready for you.

Okay, room three.

He won't be in there long because

it don't take him but a minute.

You forgot your wet wipes!

So stupid. So stupid, man.

Oh, God. [sighs, blows lips]

Just dumb.

[door creaks open] Cleavon?

Look, uh, I feel like such a idiot, man.

I can only imagine what you're thinking right now.

I'm embarrassed. I mean, I'm really embarrassed.

So this is the bank that you work at?

Yeah. This is the bank that I work at.

Look, I'm sorry. I mean, I've been

really dishonest with you, and I'm sorry.

Just say you'll quit.

What?

Just say that you will quit this job.

Mm. I quit.

Yeah, no, no. I quit.

-It never was, like, a job. -[giggles]

-It wasn't my job. -Mm-hmm. I know.

There's always time

To look within yourself

To find a way

Out of darkness

The light, the power

I can feel it In your embrace

And I believe

I'll always have faith

In your arms

I came far

I can feel

I'm home

In your arms

I'll never get lost

I'll never get lost When I'm with you

There's always protection

In your guidings

And I'm humble

In your grace

Take me higher, inspire

And fill me with your love

I can trust

My own intuition

In your arms

I came far

I can feel

I'm home

In your arms

I'll never get lost

I'll never get lost When I'm with you

I am blind

I can't see

Without you here with me

I can fly

I can fall

When I'm with you, I'll spread my wings

Oh

In your arms

In your arms

I came far

I can feel

Baby, baby, I'm...

-I'm ready to come home. -Okay, Coco.

Leave, you're upsetting the kids. All right?

Did you hear what I said? I said I'm ready to come home.

Coco, our divorce has been final for over three months.

All right? -I know.

-I know, but I made a mistake. -Okay. We all make mistakes,

and we all need to be held accountable for them.

Now, would you please leave, Coco?

Why are you talking me like this?

Coco, leave.

-I need you to leave. -Mm, okay.

So, baby, just, um, give me your key.

-Coco, I need you to leave. -Because I got my stuff in--

-Okay, now. -Just...

Just give me your keys,Phil. Please, just--

You know what, Coco? You're not gonna talk

to my fiancé like this.

-Your fiancé? -Yes, my fiancé.

-You got this thing pregnant? -You know what?

This thing is having his child,

and this thing is taking care of the kids you've abandoned,

and trust me, if you say one more thing,

this thing doesn't have a problem

giving you a beatdown in front of church.

Leave my mommy alone.

See? My boy has his mama back.

You turned my kids against me?

You turned my kids against me?

Oh, what? Get off of me!

Get off of me.

-Coco, leave. -You turned my kids against me?

What you looking at?

Mm. I think she was drunk.

[engine starts]

She is my baby

Congratulations! [all cheering]

Cleavon!

She is my baby

-Look at that. -Oh, she is so cute.

When do you get to bring her home?

The adoption agency said in about four more weeks.

Give me that, snuggle bum!

-She's so adorable. -Thank you.

Look at her.

You know being this many months pregnant,

you are not supposed to be in this Jacuzzi.

Oh, girl, please, I would do anything

to get my water to break.

Baby, how you gonna know if your water breaks

if you're in here?

Oh, trust me. I will know.

When does Cleavon get off?

Ooh, honey.

I remember there was a time we couldn't ask that question

quite like that before you. [giggles]

Y'all don't stop laughing at my husband.

-He should be off about now.

And you know what? We really appreciate

that you gave him that job.

Ah, it's all good.

Figured he drank so much water, he might as well deliver it.

-Speak of the devil. -Hey, everybody.

-[all] Hey! -I knew y'all was down here.

I knew you was.

Hey, baby. Watch out.

Let me get in here, been waiting to get in this thing all day.

-Ooh! -Oh, there it is.

-Word up. -That's the good stuff.

Why is everybody getting out?

Ah, they probably all got to go do something

at the same time.

It's just us in here now, though.

-The way it's supposed to be. -Yeah.

-Oh, my leg is itching. -Yeah.

Sorry. Oh, man.

It got warmer, though, didn't it?

-Mm-hmm. -Yeah.

[yawns]

Oh, God.

Honey?

[gentle electronic music]

[music continues]

Oh

Oh

So wonderful, so wonderful

I don't even have to tell you That I love you

It's automatic I'm infatuated with you

We continue to knock The real queue

Of outsiders Doubting our union

I fell in love the first Minute that I met you

I didn't think that both of us Together would prove

To be so magical, Beautiful, you

You make every day Seem so wonderful

So wonderful

Anyone with eyes Can see with you

Is where I do belong

Want to spend all my time With you

So wonderful

Anyone with eyes Can see with you

Is where I do belong

Want to spend all my time With you

I can't even see myself Out here without you

And in the moments when I wake Up feeling brand-new

You're my protector, Director in my movie

You are the strength When I need someone to talk to

We work together like The weather, Sun and the Moon

I'll always be your bride, You will always be my boo

I feel glad to have been Able to cruise

Love's potions, That's so wonderful

So wonderful

Anyone with eyes Can see with you

Is where I do belong

Want to spend all my time With you

So wonderful

Anyone with eyes Can see with you

Is where I do belong

Want to spend all my time With you

So beautiful

Your loving keeps me On my toes

On my toes