Original subtitles

Your mom and dad are going to be so surprised you made dinner for everyone.

I know, but I just hope it's not too good or they'll

expect me to open a jar of spaghetti sauce every week.

Alex, I opened that jar.

Harper, nobody likes a braggart.

[laughing] Uh-oh, Alex is cooking.

She wants something.

Or she did something.

Or she wants us to eat something gross

in front of a hidden camera.

Um... no, actually I just made

a spaghetti dinner for all of us.

Hey, did you guys know that pasta goes from this...

...to this, in just eight minutes in boiling water?

[scoffs] Now that's magic.

I smell garlic cheese bread!

And I know it's not me, 'cause my shirt just smells like regular cheese bread.

You made garlic cheese bread, too?

Mmm. By accident.

She meant to make pizza but forgot the sauce.

[thunder clap sounds]

- Professor Crumbs. - [Justin] Professor Crumbs!

That was a dramatic entrance.

It's just something new I'm trying.

I'm still working on the beard in the face part.

I understand Alex performed a selfless act

- without using magic. - A selfless act?

All she did was open a jar of spaghetti sauce

- and make pizza wrong. - You take what you can get.

We've been waiting for this for a long time.

You've just completed your final requirement

enabling all of you to begin your Family Wizard Competition.

- Hey! That's great! - [all] All right!

All right. So, Professor Crumbs,

when does it start? I mean, do I have time to make up for

16 years of hardly paying attention?

I'm happy to announce

that the Russo Family Competition commences...

...immediately.

What?

Everyone else gets to go to the Wizard Competition but me?

Oh!

Oh, what a rip off.

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ That the end will no doubt justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ But you might find out it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not ♪

♪ What it seems ♪♪

[up-tempo music plays]

[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

here's your host for tonight's Family Wizard Competition,

Chancellor Rudy Tootietootie!

Oh, my gosh! The Wizard Competition is a game show.

I'm really good at game shows.

Especially when it's a rerun.

Thank you! It's great to be here.

As you know, for centuries we've been choosing

one sibling from each family to be a wizard for life,

crushing the dreams of all the others.

- [audience laughs] - It's a fun night, everybody.

Tonight we find out which one of the Russo's will be...

- ...the Last Wizard Standing! - [audience cheers]

I can't believe we're finally here.

This is it.

One of us is going to become the family wizard.

Indeed. And I want you to know

that I've become very fond of all three of you.

So, whatever the outcome, I'll be proud.

Well, which one is it Professor Crumbs?

Are you fond or are you proud?

- I'm confused. - [mumbles indistinctly]

Good luck, kids.

Now, I know this is about being a wizard,

but if there's a bonus round,

try to get the washer and dryer.

I need to tell you guys something before this starts.

Winning the Wizard Competition is going to be great,

but it comes with a price.

I know where you're going with this.

And, yes, don't even worry about it.

After I win I'll use magic when you forget Mom's birthday.

No Justin, I'm talking about family.

How often does your Uncle Kelbo come around?

A couple times a year? Aunt Megan? Never.

Do you know why?

Because we let the competition come between us.

Promise you'll stick together no matter who becomes the Family Wizard.

I promise, Dad.

- I promise. - I promise.

Not to me. To yourselves.

[all] I promise.

Mm-hmm.

Mr. and Mrs. Russo!

Could you guess who I'm rooting for?

- Can you give us a hint? - Sure.

[tooting] Alex!

Mason, you do know that Justin's going to win.

- Justin? - Of course!

He's studied the hardest, he stuck by the rules.

My son hasn't been a stick in the mud

all these years for nothing.

Well, I'm rooting for Alex.

I mean, she defeated the Angels of Darkness,

saved the world from an asteroid.

Plus, Justin can easily get a career if he doesn't win.

We'd be stuck with her for life.

[up-tempo music plays]

[cackling] OK, people.

It's time to meet tonight's competitors, the Russo's.

Justin... Alex...

...and the one nobody thinks is going to win, Max!

He's gonna do great.

Justin Russo.

It's been a long road of magic training to get here.

- Do you think you're ready? - [buzzer sounds]

I believe the correct answer is yes, Justin is ready.

Max, you know that button is not a microphone,

and we haven't started the questions yet, right?

[buzzes]

The answer to that is uh,

no, I did not know we did not start the questions.

Um, I would go ahead and start the competition,

because he's just gonna do that all night.

I'm going to have to concur with Alex on this one,

I will be doing this all night.

OK, before we start, just a few rules.

You each have one challenge and one timeout.

Kind of describes my second marriage.

- [laughs] - OK...

Let's find out which Russo will be

the Last Wizard Standing!

- [audience cheering] - Yeah!

OK, round one.

Each correct answer is worth 150 points.

I'll describe the problem,

and you must buzz in with the magical solution.

"You must go to aid a wizard in distress on the planet Mars... "

- [buzzes] - Transportium nextorbitorium.

- [bell dings] - Correct.

"You need to switch bodies with someone."

- [buzzes] - Cambia corporum meum copora sua nominavi.

- [bell dings] - Correct again!

It's a Triple Reverse Bonus worth 250 points.

I'll give you the triple complex spell,

and you must answer with the correct uses in the correct order.

"Dehydradus-lougaines, Apus-escapus,

Cashmereus-appearus."

Drain a room filled with water,

transport out of a room, and make cash appear.

- [buzzes] - Ah, I'm sorry. Incorrect.

- [buzzes] - Yes, Max!

Oh, no. I was trying to hit a fly on my button.

Would you like to give the answer a shot anyway?

Oh, sure. Why not?

Uh... Drain a room filled with water,

transport out of the room, and then flash on a sweater.

- [bell dings] - Correct!

- [buzzes] - No, challenge!

No, no, no. Max didn't get the last spell right.

[audience boos]

Wizard Council, what is your ruling?

[all murmuring]

[inaudible]

The exact use of Cashmereus-appearus

is to flash on a cashmere sweater...

Ah-ha!

So we will accept Max's answer.

- [bell dings] - What?

I got it right? Ma! I'm gonna be the Russo family wizard!

Bow down to the more powerful sibling!

Now would be a good time to take a commercial break

so I can explain to Max how this all works.

If you think that's going to help.

[inaudible]

[up-tempo music plays]

[Rudy] We'll be back with Round Two after the break.

Justin Russo in the lead with 300 points.

[squealing] Go, Justin! That's my boyfriend!

Juliet! You made it.

[chuckles] Yeah, I'm sorry. I would've been here earlier,

- but I was at a blood drive. - How was it?

Oh, it was... It was delicious.

Well, I'm here...

Do you have any words of encouragement for me?

Um...

If you don't win, I'll leave you?

Tough love.

That'll work. Yeah, that'll work.

Thank you. OK.

OK. Meaningful stare.

Alex, I'm starting to get a little worried

and embarrassed rooting for you,

but you're still my number one.

OK, the first part of what you just said?

Mason, stop being a jerk.

And the second part?

Aw, you're so sweet.

Hello Mason.

Juliet.

- Been a while. - Yeah.

You know, the last time I saw you,

I made you turn into a wolf forever.

And I made you turn old and hobble off into the woods.

- No hard feelings? - Water under the bridge.

Go Justin!

Go Alex!

[up-tempo music plays]

Oh, gosh. Alex is way behind,

and if she loses, she'll just be normal like me.

Yeah!

Oh... This is the first time I've been in here

without Justin to yell at me to leave stuff alone.

Oh! I wonder what these pants do!

I bet you I could pull these off with the right kind of shoes.

Could you just put those hideous pants back?

They could be dangerous.

[laughing] How could they be dangerous?

They don't even have a zipper.

Would you just sit down and watch?

I'll make us some popcorn.

Hmm.

Bet you there's something I can use to make popcorn in here...

[gasps]

Corn-poppy with butter on-toppy! [grunts]

- [whirling sound] - Zeke, put that down!

[snorting, coughing] What? I was just smelling it.

[both scream]

What just happened? I just turned purple!

This says "Purple Murple Potion."

You made me snort when you scared me.

You know I always snort when I get scared!

- [screams] - What do we do? What do we do?

It... It itches! It itches from the inside out!

It must be my murple. My murple's on fire!

We're three minutes into round two,

and our competitors continue to cook up

a "freshen your breath" potion

that I insist be judged by Professor Crumbs.

I don't hear the ladies complaining.

Over here, at Justin's table,

he's making good use of the secret ingredient,

- dried bat tail tips. - Voila!

Whenever I cook potions, I like to say foreign words.

[speaks Italian]

[Rudy] Max, what are you doing over there?

That reeks worse than butt of newt.

That's because I'm doing my laundry.

I'm going to get to the potion in a minute.

- What a charming young man. - Coming through.

There goes Alex with a live griffin in a jar.

Half eagle, half lion. They're quite ferocious.

I guess that's why we store them

in the same kind of a container we keep cookies in.

Come on, buddy. I just want one of your feathers.

[Harper] Help! Help!

Harper? What are you... What are you doing here?

We need your help. Zeke sniffed some potion

and turned all purple.

I'm sorry! I was nosing around with my nose.

- [growling] - [gasping] Gosh, the griffin is going nuts!

- [all gasping] - [griffin growling]

[Harper] Oh, my gosh!

Get that purple guy out of here!

The griffin thinks he's food!

[both yelling]

Harper! Zeke!

This is probably a good time to go to commercial.

We might be right back!

That griffin debacle was nuts!

Now that's great showmanship.

Now, if everyone's calmed down,

we can get back into the competition.

- [up-tempo music plays] - Wait, wait... What?

Am I the only one that saw what happened?

That griffin flew away with our friends.

Your friends will be fine.

The Monster Hunters are on the case...

Although, they do have a rich history of losing to griffins.

Think you can have those Monster Hunters bring me

the griffin wings when they're done with them?

Even if I lose tonight,

I still want to be able to fly, you know?

Max, Justin, we have to go help them.

Alex, I'm sure the Monster Hunters will bring

Harper and Zeke back.

You just want to go after them

because you're way behind in points.

Yeah Alex, forget it.

You guys, look.

If you don't get back in the competition,

I'm going to have to charge you with a delay of game

unless you use a time-out.

Wait. Can we use all of our time-outs

to go help Harper and Zeke?

Hm...

Well, it's never been done, but I guess you could.

Come on, you guys. We can do this.

Justin, you're a trained Monster Hunter.

This is your chance to prove how good you are.

And Max, you... want to attach

griffin wings to your arms and fly.

So, you're saying that'll work?

All right, I'm in!

Justin, we can't do it without you.

How much time do we have?

Forty-five minutes.

Justin, please?

All right, come on. Let's go.

Now, wait...

I hate to be a Debbie Downer,

but whoever doesn't get back before time elapses

is out of the competition.

OK, we've saved the Wizard World like ten times.

I think we've got this.

[timer beeping]

The griffin nest is up there, this must be the place.

OK, where's the griffin? We have to hurry.

Hey, check it out.

The Monster Hunters left their equipment behind for us to use.

But what are we supposed to do with this pile of charred bones?

[Alex] She's here! I found Harper!

[Max] Go!

Harper, are you OK?

Does it look like I'm OK?

I can't really hear you through all the goop.

[grunting]

Whoa!

[groans]

OK, OK, she's stuck in griffin spit.

That's what they do to hold food for their hatchlings.

Ew. Ew. Ew...

Yup, that's griffin spit.

Bird, with a hint of cat.

[groans]

Will you just get me out of here?

I'll get you out.

Piggly wiggly, get out of the jiggly.

Thank you so much.

I really hate being spit on.

- OK. Now where's Zeke? - Let's go find him.

Guys, there is no time. We'll come back for him later.

No, I am not leaving without Zeke.

Harper, I was just being a nice guy.

There is no coming back for Zeke.

I think the griffin ate him.

I've made my peace with it, you should, too. Let's go.

[Zeke] Wait, wait!

Ugh, wait...

I'm good. He ate me,

but I clog-danced in his stomach, got barfed out!

- Whoo! - Zeke!

It's OK. All right.

- Oh... - Oh.

Let's get you back to normal. You smell like griffin barf.

OK, come on you guys. We need to get back to the competition.

[ferocious growling]

[roaring]

Oh, no! I don't want to be thrown up again!

It's like a warm, smelly, gooey water slide.

Guys, we need to get out of here!

Get to the carpet! Go!

- Come on! Let's go! - No!

[roars]

[roaring]

OK, I've about had it with you,

half-bird, half-lion, bat-winged freak.

- Just get out of our way! - Yeah!

- [shrieking] - [growling]

- She said it, not me! - Hey!

- [Harper] Just go, go, go! - [Zeke] Whoa!

Max! Max, if you can distract it,

I can use my Monster Hunter mind technique to put it to sleep.

You can really do that?

Yes! I've done it on a hamster,

and it was little so it was more of a tap.

- Good enough! - OK! All right...

Now, you guys know my favorite distraction, right?

[roaring]

- Whoa! - Whoa! Whoa...

[roars]

Guys, I have an idea.

Use the rope spell when I tell you to.

Hey! Hey! Come and get me!

Are those griffin wings or chicken wings?

[clucking]

Now!

[all] Soap on a rope. Soap fell off the rope.

Rope shot out of my hand. Rope tie up that griff-an.

[growling]

[Alex] Oh!

[grunting]

[roaring]

[Alex] Drop!

[bellowing]

- [heavy thud] - Ha ha! We showed him!

OK, hurry up. We gotta get out of here.

OK, no. This time I'm taking the lead.

You drive like an old wizard lady.

Zeke, we've landed, you can let go of me.

Dude, you need to cut your nails.

Guys, where is everybody?

What happened to the disco floor?

Oh, no.

Hello? We're back!

We can start up with the lights and the competition stuff!

The competition is over.

Awesome! Who won?

No way. We called a time-out.

Which expired.

As has the competition for you.

You are hereby disqualified.

Alex, I told you we shouldn't have gone.

Professor Crumbs, listen to me. There's gotta be something we can do about this.

Yeah, we saved two people.

What you did was noble,

but you were warned of the rules before you left.

I am deeply saddened that it has come to this,

but the Russo family line of wizards will end forever.

Professor Crumbs...

Your wands, please.

This will be the last time we will ever see each other.

We're not wizards anymore.

[Alex] Next time on Wizards of Waverly Place:

I told you that I thought we'd make it back in time.

Remember you promised each other

not to let the competition come between you.

There is no competition,

so that deal's off, because of her.

I'm the reason that we're not wizards anymore.

There. I said it. Is everything better now?

Think fast.

- Alex! - I'm sorry!

[Justin] "Business for Sale"?

Dad, what are you doing?