Original subtitles

OK, everyone get ready. I'm gonna read one of my favorite stories, Cinderella.

[all] No!

We want to hear Goldilocks and the Three Bears.

[all] Yeah!

All right. Once upon a time, Goldilocks broke into the three bears' house

and then got eaten like a rack of lamb. The end!

All right, back to my story, Cinderella.

"Once upon a time there was a beautiful maiden named Cinderella,

who lived with her wicked stepmother and wicked..."

- Harper! What are you doing? - I'm reading to kids.

It looks good on my college application to do this sort of junk.

Harper...

That is my wizard storybook.

If you read from it, you become part of the story.

Well, luckily, I didn't get very far.

I just got to the part about the wicked stepmother.

- [door opens] - Oh, there you are, Harperella.

Harperella?

Oh no, I'm in the story.

And you must be my evil stepmom.

"Evil"? How dare you?

I prefer to be called "wicked."

Now go get the foot bath. You're gonna do my toes.

Oh, and you might want to save the water, so you'll have something to eat for dinner.

That's pretty wicked.

Harperella!

I have more dirty laundry for you to do.

Come on, I am not gonna do your laundry.

Of course you're going to do their laundry.

They're your evil stepbrothers.

And don't forget to starch my socks and powder my undies.

I like a pre-powdered undie.

- Here, Harperella. Brush. - Oh, thanks.

Not your hair. Mine.

Right there. All right, and after you get the very last bug out,

I want you to feed them, bathe them, and then put them to bed.

Wow, you're even weirder in the story.

You try to do something nice for kids and you end up a nanny for bugs.

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ That the end will no doubt justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ But you might find out it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not ♪

♪ What it seems ♪♪

This story stinks. I don't want to be Cinderella.

Where's my fairy godmother?

[scoffs] About time you called for me.

Alex? You're my fairy godmother?

What? It's not that big of a stretch.

I've seen people be nice before.

- So, how's it going? - Terrible.

Get me out of this story.

Your family is being way more rude than usual.

Well, your mom's about the same.

Sorry, there's nothing I can do.

The whole fairy tale has to play out until the end.

- It can't be stopped. - Wait, you're saying I'm stuck here?

We all know how the Cinderella story ends.

You're gonna be a princess.

It'll be fine. OK, this is a magic story.

Nothing is ever fine when magic is involved.

And that's why our lives are so exciting. Bye!

Hey, guys! Guys, check it out.

Prince Charming invited us to a royal dance.

- Oh! - Yeah.

Three years of bribing the royal guards

with free sandwiches has paid off!

Finally, I get to meet... King Jerry!

Mom, you know they don't want you near the king.

They have your picture at the drawbridge security.

Well, that's one less person I have to help get ready. [laughs]

Well, at least I'll have time to find a dress for the dance.

[all laugh]

Oh, Harperella, you're not going to the dance.

Look at all the work you have to do.

[derisive laughter]

You guys are piling on the "wicked" a little thick, aren't you?

[loud laughter]

Alex!

Fairy Godmother!

All right, all right, I'm here.

- Where have you been?! - I have been busy.

Fairy godmothering isn't as easy as you think.

I had to turn a long-nosed puppet into a real boy.

That little liar.

Well, can you help me now?

OK. What part of the story are you up to?

Well, everyone just went to the royal dance.

Ooh, OK. Then we need to give you a makeover.

So what do you think? Cocktail dress?

No, this is my favorite part of the story.

Make me a princess.

All right, but you're gonna stick out.

I'm Harper. I'm wearing a book dress.

Oh! Sweet!

Now what about the shoes?

Um...

Oh, come on! You know I have to clean that up.

There. Glass slippers.

Now, If you want to keep your toes, I don't recommend tap dancing.

- OK. - Yeah.

OK, let's get you to the party.

Ooh, but first I'm gonna need that.

Oh, are gonna turn the hot dog stand into something romantic

- to take me to the ball? - No, I'm just hungry.

But that's not a bad idea.

Remember, be back by midnight.

If not, the spell will be broken and you'll be riding a hot dog cart back here.

All right. Well, here I go, I'm off to the ball.

I'm going, I'm going, I'm gone.

- [bell rings] - Why'd he stop?

You're there. It's in the Sub Station.

- Have fun! - Oh... All right.

[dance music playing]

Now remember, when the king gets here, you're a fashion photographer,

and you're trying to hire me as your model.

Mom, I don't think that's very believable.

Yeah, you're right.

I do look too young to be a model.

Hey, Prince Charming.

Great party.

It's a little different than the ones you usually have.

Yeah, I really downscaled the ball this year.

Things aren't exactly going well in the kingdom.

Frankly, I'm just no good with money.

Hey, thanks for talking to me. Here's a couple hundred bucks.

[all gasping]

Ba-zing! Who's that fair maiden?

She looks familiar.

Welcome. I'm Prince Charming.

- Zeke, you're the prince? - Yeah, Zeke Charming.

And, uh, who might you be?

I'm...

...ready to have fun.

Sounds good to me. Let's get this party started!

- [classical waltz playing] - [hooting] Ooh...

Grandma music?

This isn't exactly what I was expecting, but it'll work.

Harper's so beautiful.

Oh, punch!

Thanks.

What's going on?

I'm having a really amazing time tonight.

[laughs] Me, too.

I usually dance in ways that make it impossible

for another human to get close to me, but this is fun.

- Yeah. - [bell tolling]

[Zeke] Oh, man, it's midnight already?

Midnight? Oh, I have to go!

What? Wait, where are you going?

I didn't even get your name!

- [sniffs] - Sweetness.

I will find you.

Fairy Godmother, where's my carriage?

I need to get through the rest of this story so I can get back to my other twisted life.

Well, the carriage should still be here. It's not midnight yet.

[yelling]

[snorting, shrieking]

You guys! You have to get back inside! He's coming for us!

Well, this sort of took a weird turn.

Yeah. This is not how the story's supposed to go.

What are the Three Little Pigs doing in the Cinderella story?

Oh, no! There's a bunch of pages missing in my book.

It goes right from Cinderella to The Three Little Pigs.

We mashed up two stories together.

Well, of course we did. I knew magic was going to mess this up.

Guys, get inside! [squeals] He'll eat you, too.

- Who? - The Big Bad Wolf!

[roars, growls]

Mason?

Well, it does make sense. I mean, he's a werewolf.

Well, he ate one of your last boyfriends, so let's go.

Open your door, or I'll huff and I'll puff

and I'll blow your...

What is this place?

- The Waverly Sub Station. - Oh.

Well, I'll blow your Waverly Sub Station down!

I'm never gonna get out of this story.

We're all gonna get eaten by the Big Bad Wolf!

And I'll tell you what, I'm probably gonna be the first to go.

I knew I shouldn't have worn that hickory-smoke cologne.

Curse our delicious, bacon-flavored bodies!

Guys, I never thought it would end like this.

I mean, I always figured I'd be sprawled out on some family's Christmas table

with an apple in my mouth or something, you know?

- But not like this! - [all weeping]

Alex, what is going on?

Without the missing pages, you're gonna be stuck as Cinderella

in this Three Little Pigs story.

Well, how do we get to just Cinderella without

the you-know-what eating the you-know-whos?

Guys, I think we're the you-know-whos!

[all squealing]

Don't worry, I'll go find the missing pages,

put them back in the book, and you'll be out of here in no time.

Just keep Wolfie occupied.

[terrified squealing]

I'm getting extremely hungry out here!

[laughing] I'm sorry, but that cute accent makes it

so hard for me not to feed him one of these pigs.

You know something, we wouldn't even be in this mess

if you hadn't built your house out of straw.

Look. I told you, straw was an artistic choice.

You and the fire department won't shut up about it.

- [wolf growls] - [all squealing]

OK, everyone just think happy thoughts, OK?

That's not the Big Bad Wolf's breath.

It's just a warmer-than-average ocean breeze that smells like our friends!

[all shrieking]

[exhales]

Man, am I light-headed!

Whoo! You couldn't have just opened the door and saved me from the huffing and puffing?

- Run! - [all yelling]

Oh, stop running, piggies!

Oh, I don't like sweaty meat!

Well, it appears they're not here.

They've outrun me. I guess I'll be going.

[Zeke] OK, good. We fooled him.

- [shrieks] - Trickster!

Hiding behind the curtains. Oh, I love that old gem!

Now this is the part where you close the curtains again

and pretend I didn't see you.

Oh, forget the curtain, he saw us!

- Run! - [all shrieking]

All right, pigs, it's the end of the line.

And you!

I honestly don't know who you are,

but it's the end of the line for you, too.

Well, it wouldn't be fair otherwise.

[grunting in agreement]

Harper! I found it!

The rest of the story is somewhere in this drawer of random book pages.

You know how I feel about reading. I used to shorten my books a lot.

Well, just hurry up and find the right pages!

I don't think we have much time!

Well, I guess this is goodbye, pig brothers.

- I sure am gonna miss you guys. - Yeah.

That's a little much.

I know what you're doing!

You rubbed your hickory-smoke cologne on us!

Well, yeah, I don't want to get eaten first!

All right, which one of you is the idiot

who built the straw house? You deserve to get eaten first.

- That's the idiot right here! - It was this guy!

- Oh, come on! - Hold on, Wolfie.

Uh... Haven't you read this story? I get a time-out.

- Oh, you do? - Yeah.

OK, then. I could take a break as well.

Alex, do something.

Oh, my goodness!

[grunting]

What is that?

A caveman. I remember these pages.

They're from Justin's textbooks.

Well, find the right ones.

[appreciative grunt]

[chuckling]

You can take your time, Alex.

Uh, how about this one?

I'm David Copperfield, world famous magician.

That page must be from Max's favorite magic book.

Oh, dinner and a show. Splendid.

A wolf, a caveman, and a princess.

Yeah, it's pretty nutty, right? Don't forget the piggies.

[squeaks greeting]

Well, a princess deserves something as beautiful as she.

I might need that!

He's making a dog! He's making a dog!

Oh!

Oh. He... He made a rose.

Oh, thank you.

He's even better at magic than you are.

[growling]

Don't worry, I can help.

[magic fizzling]

I'm David Copperfield. I made the Statue of Liberty disappear.

I can't vanish a common caveman.

[growling]

- [crashing] - That's it! I've had enough!

- It's dinner time! - [yelling]

I found them!

It worked! I'm wearing my dress of books!

[knocking on door]

Harperella, what did we tell you about friends?

You're too gross to have any.

- [Theresa gasps] - Pardon the intrusion, good people,

but I'm on a quest to find a mysterious young lady

who showed up at my sweet bash the other night.

We're definitely in the Cinderella story now.

Basically, I just need to figure out who owns this slipper

so I can marry them and split half my royal wealth with them.

Forget it, boys. That slipper's mine.

Only a delicate, little foot like mine

can fit into a delicate, little slipper like that.

Careful with the corns.

OK, that seems unlikely,

but I guess there's only one way to rule you out for sure.

[sniffing]

You might want to just try it on her and see if it fits.

Right. Good call.

I wish I would've come here first before those other 25 houses.

Come on, put your back into it.

[grunting]

OK, I don't think we have a match here.

Hey, keep trying. You know what her motto is,

"If the clothes ain't tight, they ain't right."

Well, if there's no one else here to try on this slipper,

I guess I'll just have to be on my way.

Uh... what about this fair maiden?

Yeah, what about this fair maiden?

I think you'll be surprised at the outcome.

No, that's absurd. She wasn't even at the party.

Don't even think about it. She's revolting.

Yes! It's you!

I remember now! You look exactly the same!

Well, except for the hair and the dress,

- and the dirt, and the smell... - The point is...

...you found me, and now we can spend the rest of our lives together,

doing whatever it is that people in fairy tales do.

Hey, why don't we all join Harperella and... and meet the king.

Wait a minute... I know you.

You're the crazy sandwich lady who's after the king!

- [gasps] - Yeah, let's go. Let's get outta here.

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce

the brand-new couple, Zeke Charming and Harperella.

[fanfare playing]

[applause]

[classical waltz playing]

[Harper] "And so the handsome prince and the beautiful maiden danced the night away,

and planned to spend the rest of their lives together

doing whatever it is that people in fairy tales do.

And they lived happily ever after. The end."

- Is it over? - It's over.

Oh, wow! Cinderella's life was a roller-coaster ride.

Well, I hope you learned an important lesson here today, Harper.

I sure did. I should've asked, instead of just taking this book from you.

No, actually, I was talking about how risky it can be

doing charity work for young children.

Alex, that is so insensitive.

Helping children is one of the most noble things a person can do.

Can you read the story again?

Are you nuts, kid?

Do you have you any idea what I just been through?

Go on! Get out of here!

- [all crying] - I'm sick of all of your faces!

I'm done!

OK, let's try that again. Max, start the music.

[classical waltz playing]

Ow! Mason, you stepped on my foot!

I thought you said "go left."

Mom, you have to let me lead.

Your father always lets me lead. Come on.

Zeke, Zeke... You're supposed to spin me.

- Oh, OK. - Ow!

You just kicked me in the shin.

OK, I don't get it.

You guys were such great dancers in the story.

I don't remember that.

OK, I know what kind of dancing we like.

[banjo music playing]

No, no, no! Not the clogging!

Too late, my feet are already moving! Oh!