Original subtitles

[Alex] Previously on Wizards of Waverly Place.

-Alex -Mason

You give us your portal,

and we let Wolf Boy here go home with Missy

Yes, now you guys go check it out,

because once we trade, there is not any un-trades

♪ Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ That the end will no doubt justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ But you might find out it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you want by the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not ♪

♪ What it seems ♪♪

I can't believe it.

My true love is a wolf again.

The fact that I have to say "again" at the end of that sentence

just shows how messed up our lives really are.

It's fine. All right, we just gotta find a way to turn him human again.

[howling]

He's trying to tell us something.

Wait, oh my gosh, I love him so much, I'll probably know what he's saying.

[howling]

Yes, Mason. I do look good right now.

Is that really what he said?

I'm assuming.

OK, there's gotta be a better way for us to do this.

Maybe... Maybe there's a wand app.

[clears throat]

Restaurant locator...

...spell calculator...

[gasps] Here's an application to turn my wand into a light saber.

- How fun! - [wand hums]

[raspy voice] Max... I am your brother.

Look, there's an animal translator app.

It translates animal sounds into human voices.

Oh, that thing doesn't work.

I tried it on my pet frog once and all it kept saying was:

"Keep this guy away from me. Keep this guy away from me."

It made no sense.

- All right, Mason. Say something. - [howling]

[Mason] I am in love with you, Alex Russo.

Aw, look at that.

Even as a wolf with a weird, robotic translator voice, he's still charming.

- Charming. - [Mason] If we can go back to the country wizards' trailer,

I believe their charmed jug band instruments had something to do with turning me human.

Did you hear that? There's hope after all. This is incredible.

It looks like we're going back to that old trailer in the middle of nowhere

to find some magical instruments that'll turn your boyfriend human again.

You're right. Our lives are messed up.

Harper, you're not going to believe this.

I was bussing tables and I found some sort of a high-tech toy.

I think it's got half a binocular in it.

Oh!

Oh, you got me a little something.

'Cause we're boyfriend and girlfriend and that's what they do, give each other gifts.

No. I got it out of the garbage.

But you can still have it.

I'm gonna warn you though, it's reeks of tuna.

Oh.

Which is unfortunate Bears prefer salmon.

Oh!

Well, a gift is still a gift.

So let me just say "thank you."

[coughing]

Hey, what's going on in here?

Nothing. What's going on with you?

Nothing.

Really? Because it looks like the three of you

just walked out of the vegetable cooler with a dog

that I never knew you had.

Well, um...

- Justin? - Yes!

Yes, we did. And I have an answer for that.

This is a... This right here...

- Sled dog. - That's right. That's right.

We actually got him from an animal shelter over in...

- ...over in Greenland. - [Alex] Mm-hm.

Which is why we brought him back, he wants to go back in. Because it's cooler in there.

- Yeah. - Much more like Greenland...

- Like home. Yes. - ...where he's from.

- Snow. - [Alex] Home.

Also, when he howls, we can understand what it means.

What? I didn't want you guys to do all the explaining.

OK, Alex. I'm so glad you found your sled dog.

But he has no business being in a food preparation area.

So you guys just need to go. Right now.

Yes, yes, good. Because we have so many more important things to take care of.

- So we're gonna... - Yeah, and let's just say

that they have nothing to do with us understanding the thoughts of a magical wolf.

Are you serious? Right now.

All right. [chuckles]

Good luck on all that important stuff you guys have to do. Yeah.

I'm sure Zeke and I will be fine.

Just the two of us. Alone. With no one else around.

Actually, Harper, I got a bunch of stuff to do. I gotta plan this party...

Forget it then! Just forget it! I give up!

I'm never going to get you to kiss me, Zeke Beakerman!

I knew she wanted to kiss me.

I am so good at reading women.

"Good at reading women."

I taught that kid everything he knows.

Jerry, I think you missed the point.

Harper and Zeke are in charge of our restaurant

and our kids just came out of the Lair with a wolf.

You're right. We gotta get out of here.

Let's go. I'll pack the hotel towels.

You get the soaps and the sewing kit.

OK, quick. Everybody look around.

Great. I say we get the last of the squirrel kabobs then get out of here.

No, we have to find those magical jug band instruments.

Spread out and look.

- Clear over here. - Nothing here.

Oh, I found one!

Max, that's not an instrument.

That's a wooden bucket with spit in it. [groans]

[howls]

What is it, boy?

What are you trying to tell us?

Is there trouble at the old mill?

Justin, what are you doing?

We have a translator app.

I thought it would be more dramatic this way.

Which is fun for all of us because...

All right, I'm doing it.

[Mason] The charmed jug band instruments are in this chest.

He must have used his keen sense of wolf smell to track them down. Good job.

Or... it says "Magic Musicalizin' Doodads" on the top.

Instruments are in here.

So... if we just play these,

maybe it'll turn Mason into human again.

OK. I'll play the banjo. Alex, you blow into this jug.

Max, washboard's all yours, buddy.

Mason, you're on the spoons, buddy.

- All right. - Really?

You're gonna give an instrument that requires thumbs to a wolf?

- I figured he had a better chance than Max. - Hey!

You're probably right.

Right there. All right, let's do this.

All right, OK. A-one, a-two, a-one, two, three.

[off-key music]

Why isn't this working?

Because we don't sound good.

Do you even know how to play the banjo?

Excuse me, your wolf boyfriend is terrible at the washboard.

- [dog whimpers] - [engine starts]

What's going on?

[groans] Trailer's being towed!

Their trailer...! Grab an instrument! Everyone grab an instrument and run!

- Wait! I've got a better idea. - Is magic really a better idea?

Probably not. But it involves a lot less running than your plan.

Harper...

I've been thinking about our relationship,

and I think it's time we took things to the next level.

Oh, let me guess.

You want to see if we can keep our eyes open while we sneeze.

- I'll get the pepper. - No, no, no.

I was aiming for something a little lower on the face.

Like... the mouth area.

The mouth area? Well, that means...

It sure does.

- [crashing] - [Zeke] What was that?!

Oh, come on!

Nice.

[gasps] It's...! There's...!

[groans]

This was your bright idea?

To replace the sub car with the trailer?

Well, hey, it got us out of carrying all these instruments back home, didn't it?

What's going on?

How did this old trailer get in here?

Oh, my gosh. He's relentless. I have to tell him.

Ah! Nope, nope!

Zeke, this trailer has been here for like...

...a few days, man. I mean, isn't that right, Harper?

Please skip me.

No, it hasn't. It's always the subway car, for sub sandwiches.

Um...

Actually, it's um...

...it's a new hillbilly theme that we're testing out for the restaurant.

We play jug band music and everything. All right.

Come on everybody, let's play him something

to show him how true this story that I am telling him is.

[twangy music]

Hey, that's a classic clogging tune.

A Mule in the Hen House.

I think it's missing an instrument or two, but I could probably still dance to it.

Oh, yeah! Yeah, I can still dance to this!

Shoulda brought my clogs!

[whines]

- That was close. - Mmm.

[screams]

Mason, you're back! Sort of.

Hello, love.

[laughs] Hang on! Wait a second! Did you guys see that?

Did you see that?! He was all, "Hello, love".

[making grunting sounds]

What is going on?!

[stammers] Well.. Zeke, I totally understand...

[mimics grunting sounds] ...the confusion with...

But, I got... Max?

Oh, now you want my help?

Would someone please tell me what's going on?

Because I just saw your pet sled dog from Greenland,

who lives in your veggie cooler,

turn into a half-human,

half-bear-hairy-creature-thing!

What is going on?! I deserve some answers!

[Justin] Zeke, you all right?

[grunts, gasps]

Where am I? What happened?

You passed out after your kiss with Harper.

I kissed Harper?

No wonder I feel so manly and confident.

I dreamt I was this dog that turned into this powerful man-dog.

I don't even care that all of you saw me faint.

I can handle anything now.

I've kissed a person!

Yes, you have, honey.

Now let's go brag to people we don't even know.

[Zeke] OK!

- Hey! I've kissed a person! - I was that person.

All right, we saw the teddy bear camera,

and we know you're guilty of something.

Great, Theresa. Now they know about the teddy bear cam. And we don't have... [shouts]

There's a...! It's...! [groans]

What did you do to the sub car?

Yeah! What did you do to the sub car?

Please tell me... it's permanently gone?

You better have a good explanation for this, young lady.

Actually, I do.

Would you like the long version or the short version?

I don't care.

Either way, you're gonna end up grounded. So, go ahead.

OK, it's OK for you to come in now, Mason.

Well, when Mason was a wolf,

he was living in this trailer,

with a family who tried to take our portal,

but then, but then, I tricked those country wizards...

Yeah! And their wands were sticks with leaves...

All right, all right, I do care. Gimme the short version.

Oh. All right.

Well, the short version is,

I did all this because I love Mason

and I wanted to get him back.

Oh, boy. This is more romantic than the time you guys were kissing in the rain.

What? I love a happy ending.

Alex, I'm so glad your feelings for me haven't changed,

even though I may look like this for the rest of my life.

What?

No, no. You're not gonna look like this

for the rest of your life, right? Tell him, Justin.

- Justin? - Well...

I mean, obviously, the instruments didn't work.

And until I can figure out why,

I believe that Mason will be stuck in this...

..."in-between stage," we'll call it.

[Jerry] It's OK. No one's gonna suspect a thing.

Lots of kids have beards these days.

Not on their eyelids, Dad.

Oh. At least we're together.

And Alex still loves me.

Mm-hm. Yes, I do.

Zeke! Zeke!

Zeke! Zeke, look, all I'm saying is that I need your help.

You said that our song was missing an instrument.

Did you figure out what instrument that was?

I'm sorry, Justin. Now that I've had my first kiss, I'm totally different.

I can't be bothered with trivial stuff like that.

I only do awesome stuff now.

Well, that's good, because jug band music is awesome.

- You think so? - I know so.

Well, in that case, you're missing a mouth harp.

[imitates instrument]

Yes! Ah, the siren sound of backwoods America.

Find that, my friend, and you have your song!

- Ah. - [sighs]

I'm not really that different, am I?

Yeah. No, not really.

OK, keep going! Keep up, keep up, come on!

Alex, stop. [panting]

We spent all afternoon in a dark theater.

It's beautiful outside. Why are we running home?

[panting] Because...

...you know what a physical fitness nut I am. All right. Let's get inside.

Physical fitness nut?

Darling, you turn the TV on it's side so you can watch it laying down.

I'd like to sit outside for a while.

That's what happens when you stay in a tanning bed too long.

Be careful. That's right, be careful.

Great. Yes. Outside. All right. Well... OK.

Look! Let's read newspapers and sit outside. Come on.

OK. OK.

OK, isn't this great?

OK, hurry up and read yours. OK.

You know, I'm really looking forward to going to Zeke's party with you tonight.

Oh, was that tonight?

I... I thought it already happened and we missed it.

Oh, well. We'll catch the next one.

- No, it's tonight. - Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Well, these newspapers could do the trick.

Bet you if we cut some eyeholes it could work.

I don't understand. Is this a game?

Oh, my goodness! You guys won't believe what just happened!

OK. Zeke kissed me hello and then he fainted again!

What if he kisses me at the party and faints there?

We're gonna be the second most embarrassing couple at the party.

Well, who's first?

I don't know.

Well, it sounds like it would be best if you didn't go to the party, either.

Wait, you're not going to the party?

But you two have to go to the party.

- Why? - I don't know.

You know, it would be fun to go to a party, Alex.

I mean, I'd love to meet your friends, mingle, get to know...

Oh, I don't have any friends.

Well, I'm your friend and I want you to go.

You see? Your only friend wants you to go.

Now I'm beginning to understand why Justin has robot friends.

[loud rock music]

Wow. Look at this place. Zeke's a...

Zeke's apartment's amazing. This elevator goes right up into it.

I know. I thought I was gonna have a little bit of time in a hallway to come up with a plan.

A plan for what?

A... plan for how to get to Pittsburgh

from Philadelphia. Mm-hmm.

Now keep your map up and stick to the shadowy area.

All right! Yeah!

Good-looking guy! Good-looking girl!

All right.

Harper. Where've you been?

I haven't seen you since our big smooch sesh. Let's dance!

Let's... let's slow dance, instead.

OK, sure.

[slow music]

How about we fold the maps up and go mingle?

How about we keep the maps up and mingle, OK?

- Hey, how's it going? - Pretty good.

I heard there's this crazy, hairy kid at the party. I came as soon as I got the text.

Where? I've gotta see this.

He's talking about you. Why'd you put your map down?

I get it, Alex.

You're worried about what other people think of the way I look.

Well, I...

- [grunts] - [camera clicks]

What? No! Who? You mean them?

Oh, my gosh. Everybody sees us.

You're ashamed of me, aren't you?

No. I don't know. Maybe.

It's just that... you have hair on your forehead.

And you walk in a circle like ten times before you sit.

[elevator dings]

I'm sorry you feel that way.

I guess I'll leave you alone so I won't have to embarrass you anymore.

Alex, what are you doing?

I don't know. I couldn't help it.

People were pointing and laughing.

Alex, what I've always loved about you is that you don't care what other people think.

I can't even do that.

My boyfriend was embarrassing me so I kissed him so he'd pass out.

But you're better than that. That's why we're such good friends.

I mean, it doesn't matter how over-the-top I am,

you've never made me feel weird about it once.

Even when I had that cupcake hat.

I mean, it was a cupcake on my head. How could you not comment on that?

Harper, I put up with that, because you put up with me. I think it's a fair trade.

Well, it seems like Mason is having to put up with something right now.

You already lost him once.

Don't let a little thing like you have to brush his face make you lose him again.

- Thank you, Harper. - You're welcome.

I don't have my wand, but I want to keep this dramatic moment,

- so I'm just gonna use my hand. - OK.

- Mason, I need to talk to you. - Oh? Are you sure?

- The doorman might see us together. - Please, I'm sorry.

I was completely wrong to act that way.

What we have is so much stronger than any of that superficial stuff.

The most important thing to me is that you're back and we're together.

I love you, no matter what.

I don't know if I can believe you.

- Then let me prove it. - How?

The same way people have been doing it for centuries now,

by slow dancing to a romantic pop song.

[elevator dings]

[♪ Year Without Rain]

♪ Ooh ooh ooh Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Can you feel me ♪

♪ When I think about you? ♪

♪ With every breath I take ♪

♪ Every minute no matter what I do ♪

♪ My world is an empty place ♪

♪ Like I've been wandering the desert ♪

♪ For a thousand days ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Don't know if its a mirage ♪

♪ But I always see your face ♪

♪ Baby I'm missing you so much ♪

♪ Can't help it I'm in love ♪

♪ A day without you is like a year without rain ♪

♪ I need you by my side Don't know how else to find ♪

♪ A day without you is like... ♪

You know, under normal circumstances I'd kiss you right now.

Yeah, I'm still kind of working on that.

- [Harper laughs] - How 'bout a hi-five with a loving gaze?

♪ The stars are burning ♪

♪ I hear your voice in my mind ♪

Alex! Alex, I found it!

The last piece to complete Mason's transformation, the mouth harp!

Oh, Justin, thank you. But I don't really need you to do that anymore,

it kind of undermines the whole speech I gave about being superficial.

All right, I...

You know, just figured you'd need it because...

[soft roar] ...over here with...

[clears throat] Well...

Who are we kidding? Justin!

Do it, man. I'm hideous.

[clears throat]

Did it work? Do I look handsome?

[laughs] Yes, it worked.

But you always look handsome. Thank you, Justin.