Original subtitles

OK, now while your mother and I are out of town on our anniversary weekend

I want you guys to take care of the Sub Station's new mascot,

Teddy Bear Cam... per.

It's... it's a bear that can camp.

Well, don't all bears camp?

'Cause they live in the woods.

Well, what's that sticking out of her belly button?

- Is that a camera? - No, it's nothing!

And don't block it.

It looks a lot like a camera.

Harper, come here! How's my make up?

Oh! Good. Is my face shiny?

'Cause sometimes in videos I look like a glazed donut.

Look, it's just a little old and has some stuffing sticking out.

Isn't that what Mom said about you at the beach last summer?

[Justin laughs heartily]

Dad, look, I know the last time

you left us in charge of the sub shop we had a little

Shakira/Uncle Kelbo problem, with the...

But, I'm here to promise you that nothing bad will happen this time while you're gone.

OK, honey. I'm ready to go.

Happy anniversary, honey.

Get ready for a romantic weekend in Connecticut.

I'll get us a cab. Bye, kids. And remember,

Teddy Bear Camper needs to greet all the customers

and watch the cash register.

Mama, I thought your anniversary was, like, next month?

Oh... It is. Your father forgot.

This way I'll get another trip next month when I remind him.

It's all good. OK, bye, guys!

And don't try to pull anything on me, like I'm pulling on him.

Alex, come on, get to work.

We're not gonna let Dad down this time.

Well, then maybe Dad shouldn't see anything...

- ...that would let him down. - [gasps]

- You can't do that. - Oh, sure I can.

Max will take the heat. Watch. Max!

- Yeah? - Why did you throw Dad's teddy bear into the trash?

I don't know. I just do stuff, all right? Get off my back.

That'll work.

Invite. Invite.

Invite for you.

Hey, guys, guess what?

The crossing guard accepted my friend request.

I finally have enough friends to throw a party.

- Hey! - Congratulations, Zeke.

Oh, thanks! Justin, can I start planning some party hors d'oeuvres in your kitchen?

Yes, Zeke, but we're dudes. We don't say "hors d'oeuvres."

Munchie-wunchies?

- Just say "hors d'oeuvres." - OK.

This is great. I've always wanted to crash a party.

Max, you can't crash a party if you're already invited to it.

Well, then maybe... I'm not invited.

So, Alex, what are you gonna wear to the party?

I'm thinking my slippers,

my gray sweats with holes in them,

and my dad's old concert T-shirt

from the band called Oingo Boingo.

That name cracks me up. I don't...

- Oh, my gosh! - [woman] The owners

of this unbelievably talented dog say that he's been

painting unusual pieces ever since they found him here in the Pocono Mountains...

That's him. That's Mason. He loved to paint.

I don't think so, Alex.

Every time you see a dog in a human interest story

you think it's Mason.

Remember the skateboarding bulldog?

Yeah, you probably just miss him so much

you want to believe it's him.

- Mm-hm. - [woman] Most puzzling

is the picture of this girl he paints over and over.

Some would say she's a backwoods Mona Lisa.

♪ Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ That the end will no doubt justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ But you might find out it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you want by the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not ♪

♪ What it seems ♪♪

Alex, you don't even know that's Mason.

That's why I have to go. To find out.

The last time you saw him he was running off into the Transylvania woods.

He's a wolf now. You can't change that.

Justin, if you had a chance to be with Juliet for just one more minute,

even though she's old now, would you take it?

[sighs]

Look, I'll be fine.

But all you know is that he's somewhere in the Pocono Mountains.

Max, how's your howling?

[howls]

- Never better. - Let's go.

[Justin] Max! Come... Are you...?!

[sighs]

If Mom and Dad find out that Alex and Max got eaten by a wolf,

Guess who's grounded? Me!

Well, then go help her. Zeke and I will watch the shop.

Besides, it'll give me a chance to be alone with him for our first kiss.

You're not gonna wait till the party?

[scoffs] There's gonna be enough awkwardness at the party

just with Zeke dancing, I don't wanna add a first kiss to that.

[Zeke] Hey, guys! I figured it out.

We're having 14-layer bean dip at my party!

[moaning with delight] Mmm! So good!

Well... [clears throat]

- Good luck with that kiss, Harper. - Yep.

[groans] We've looked everywhere in these woods.

Maybe we'll have luck here. Do it again, Max.

[howling]

[animal returns howl]

Knock on the door and see if they know anything.

Come on in, it's open.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, don't you mind that.

Pa is gonna fix it as soon as it's our turn for the town screwdriver.

Well, just don't stand there collecting dust. Come on in.

Pa, put your knittin' down.

Junior we got company. Put your shoe on.

I'm sorry, we don't mean to bother you,

we just wanted to come by and talk to you about your wolf...

- [grunts] - Dog! Painting dog.

Why?

We don't need no city folk looky-loos, gawking at Doug.

Sir, we're not looky-loos.

We are... We are from... the museum.

- Mm-hm. - Museum? Which museum?

- The... - The famous museum...

- ...famous... - ...of art and statues...

- Statues. Mm-hm. - ...and stuff.

I heard of that.

You have?

You callin' me a liar?

Of course not.

We would like to have an exhibit of Doug's artwork for the museum.

Why sure, Mr. Museum Feller.

Junior, go fetch Doug.

Pa, why don't you heat up some of your squirrel stew for these nice folks?

- All right. - Excuse me, I can't eat that.

I hate stew.

Can you put the squirrel in something else, possibly?

Uh... Squirrel kabobs?

Keep 'em coming!

That dog looks just like Mason.

I need to know for sure. Keep them busy.

Junior, can... can I have a better look at Doug,

over here by the...

...by the corn?

So, you guys,... this is a...

...a lovely home you have.

Can you show me around a little bit?

Can you, uh... Ho-ho!

Can you tell me a little bit about this here chair?

Oh! That's Junior's time out chair.

Sometimes I'm bad.

- Mason, is that you? - [Justin] This piece of artwork over here...

...you mind explaining it to me?

There's only one way to find out.

[Ma] We need them to stuff a mattress for Junior. He's gonna sleep inside soon.

[Junior chuckling] Oh, yeah!

I've missed you so much.

Wow. How much did you splurge on this, Jerry?

[car horn honks]

How much did you save on this, Jerry?

Enough to get us a free night.

Or a hot fudge sundae.

This room costs the same as a hot fudge sundae?

Yeah, but if you get nuts, then it's more than the room.

Hey, look, my spy bear's hooked up.

Let's see what's going on.

What?! They threw my teddy bear cam in the trash?

I'm gonna call and find out what's happening.

- [dial tone] - A dollar a minute?!

♪ [rapping] Hey, Zeke, why you so smart? ♪

♪ I don't know, I'm just good I know it [grunts] ♪

Hi.

Uh... Zeke,

I just wanted to thank you for staying here with me

while our friends are out looking for their dog.

I would have been here all alone.

And now it's just you and I here.

All alone.

Yeah, I hate being alone.

But, I'm probably alone a lot because I'm not a very good listener.

I mean, I didn't even know Justin had a dog.

Well, since it's just you and me here alone,

maybe we should talk about taking the next step in our relationship.

Is your arm OK? You keep doing this with it?

It's... it's fine, Zeke.

Well, I definitely agree.

As long as that next step in our relationship involves better listening.

Because Justin probably told me he had a dog

and it just went blah-blah-blah in this ear, and blah-blah-blah out that ear.

Just forget about the dog, OK?

[telephone rings]

We're busy!

So, where... were we?

I was... cleaning that table.

Mm-mm! Now that is some yummy-licious squirrel, Pa.

You sure you don't want some, Museum Lady?

Well, why don't I fix some possum pie

after we do some music entertainin'?

Squirrel kabobs and a show?

I love me the country life.

Am I holding this thing upside down, or should I... 'Cause...

It doesn't matter.

All right, boys, follow along now.

A one and a two, and a one, two...

[bluegrass music]

- Alex? - Mason!

You changed me back. Thank you.

I didn't do it.

Ha! You was right, Ma.

That news story snagged us some wiz-ards.

They's just like us.

Who changed you back?

- We did. - How?

Who cares? I've got Mason back.

Yep, Junior. They's wizards like us.

No they ain't.

We're country wizards.

Oh my gosh, country wizard wands.

Hey, what's going on? And how did you get Mason?

Hold your horses, Alex.

They got hairpin triggers. Don't get them riled up.

Sorry, I guess some of their quaint country colloquialisms have rubbed off on me.

We went through our portal

to check the squirrel traps in the Transylvania woods.

Yep. We found Mason,

took him in, had ourselves a new huntin' dog,

so Junior here don't have to fetch the game in his mouth no more.

Nope.

When we weren't huntin', we kept Mason in the shed

where he commenced to paintin' pictures of a pretty girl.

Since we found him in the Transylvania woods,

we figured she was a wizard girl.

Ah-ha! Then you convinced the people from the television program

to do a piece on an artistic dog to attract another wizard family to you.

No. We got the folks in the TV box to do a movin' picture show

on a fancy drawin' dog to lure another wizard clan to us.

OK...

So we're here. Now what?

- We want your portal. - What?!

You see that?

To the world, it's an outhouse.

To us, it's our Lair with our portal inside.

By the way, I stitched that.

The dang county lawman told us we had to build an indoor bathroom,

and then they bulldozed our Outhouse Lair.

Dad would have really liked sitting in an Outhouse Lair.

Every wizard family only gets one portal.

So you guys have no way back into the wizard world.

Here's what I'm proposin':

You give us your portal and we let wolf-boy here go home with Missy.

- Deal. - No deal!

You country wizards is e-vil.

See, now you got me gesticulatin' and figgerin' like yous do.

That's e-vil.

Look, I know how much you and Mason care for each other, but I'm sorry.

There's no way we can give up our portal. I hope you can understand one day.

Ma, Pa, please let Mason go with me. I love him.

It's not like he's any use to you.

If you ain't gonna make a deal, you best get.

Now! Move it!

Not you.

Justin! We can't leave Mason.

There's nothing we can do, Alex. We've got to get out of here.

These guys mean business.

- You still here? - Get off our land!

- Come on! - Wait.

I have to say goodbye to Mason.

Oh... they changed you back.

I'll trade you our portal for Mason. Wait for me to flash you into our Lair.

Hey. Hi. Excuse me.

Before I go, you think I can have a squirrel doggie bag?

Perhaps wrapped in foil, in the shape of a crab?

Son, you make less than no sense.

- You just made yourselves an enemy... - Come on!

I'm Zeke, I'll be your server.

Zeke, what color are my eyes when you look real close?

Oh, the distance has no effect on the eye color.

If it's hazel from here, it's hazel from there.

[sighs]

I knew dating a younger woman would have its challenges.

So, how'd it go?

Pretty good. I ate squirrel, made some new enemies.

It was a regular day.

So, how'd it go?

How'd it go?

- Was it Mason? - Yes.

It was him, but he's being held by some country wizards

who grow corn by their beds, and have a son with one shoe.

Oh, good. I thought you were gonna say something crazy.

[coughing]

I was on my ninth layer of the bean dip

and I got a jalapeño seed stuck in my throat.

Get... cough... [imitates coughing]

- Ah! It's stuck in my nose! - [both shouting]

Now it's in my eye! It's a traveling jalapeno seed!

I'll go get the eye wash.

[high-pitched screaming]

Zeke, this party has you all stressed out, man.

It's not the party, man. It's Harper.

I think she's trying to get me alone so she can kiss me.

It's my first time.

I know.

- I really think you should do it. - [Zeke] Yeah?

Take it from someone who has had a ton of experience in amour.

Alex!

We are pleased as punch

you decided to make the swap, Missy.

I'd swap anything for Mason.

Giving up your portal is an enormous sacrifice, Alex.

Are you sure you won't ever regret this?

[scoffs] Regret is for the weak.

That's my Alex, lovely and scary.

Well, let's get this show on the road.

[Justin] Get what show on the road?

Alex, what are you doing?!

What are they doing here?

Who cares? I've been waiting for this opportunity.

Ahh... hello. Welcome to my home.

Are you hungry? Can I get you something to eat?

You get nothing.

[laughs] Revenge is sweet, isn't it?

Alex, I won't let you give away our portal.

Oh, I am so sorry, my dear brother,

but you are too late to stop me

from trading our portal for Mason's return.

You... Look at the door!

You see?

Our portal will soon be removed by their mighty lumberjack saw.

- [chuckles] Yep. That's me. - [saw hums]

Oh, well then, we should show them the door.

Which is right behind me. Purple.

Yes, yes. Now, you guys go check it out,

because once we trade, there's not any un-trades.

Sure is dark.

It's the energy-saver model.

Oh, they're goin' green, Ma.

Uh, the light switch is there over to the left.

Further. Further. A little bit further. Little bit... yeah.

- [Pa] Hey! - [Ma] You tricked us! We got no powers in here!

- It's locked. - [pounding on door]

Knock knock. Who's there? Disappear. Disappear who?

Dis appears to be a door eaten by termites.

That was amazing! Instantly picked up on Alex's game.

Yep, my skills are sharp.

Razor sharp.

- Where did you send them? - I don't know.

They're just floating in some magical limbo somewhere. But who cares?

The important thing is that we're back together.

[whines] No!

What happened?

Well, maybe you broke your deal with them,

so they broke their deal with you.

What am I gonna do, Justin?

I don't know.

[dog whines]

[Alex] Next time on Wizards of Waverly Place:

I can't believe it.

My true love is a wolf again.

I give up! I'm never gonna get you to kiss me, Zeke Beakerman!

If we just play these, maybe it'll turn Mason into human again.

I believe that Mason will be stuck in this...

...in-between stage, we'll call it.