All language subtitles for Wizards of Waverly Place_S03E23_Captain Jim Bob Sherwood.en.cc

Guys! Guys,
is the mail here yet?

Oh, Justin.

You have been so anxious
about the mail all week, honey.

It's just a $1.25
rebate on maple syrup.

Give him $2.50 to get him
to stop talking about it, Jerry.

I don't carry
that kind of cash.

How about
half a banana.

OK, uh, no.
It's not about the rebate.

The creators of the
Captain Jim Bob Sherwood
comics have retired.

They're holding a contest
to find the replacements.

I'm waiting to see if I won.

And boy, am I excited.

I won a contest once.

Worst reader.

I think that's what
the letter said.

Why don't they just e-mail you
the results, like they do
with all contests nowadays?

'Cause every time I
open up an e-mail
that says I won a contest,

it's really just someone
trying to sell me vitamins.

I got the mail.

Justin, your vitamins are here.

This is it.
This is it!

If they allow me the honor
of being the new writer

for the Captain Jim
Bob Sherwood comics,

I'll be a hero to kids
everywhere and...

...and myself.

Mm-mm! Don't you get kids
involved in your pathetic life.

I won!
It says it right there.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Of course you did, son.

You know what I'm wondering?

How many people actually
entered the contest.

[sighs]

This is truly one of the
greatest moments of my life.

I can't think of anything
in this world that can
bring me down right now.

Here. Let me try.

I won the contest, too.

What?

How...? No way.

You don't write.

No. I draw.

And apparently good.
Check out this e-mail.

Congratulations, Alex Russo,

you have been selected
as the new artist

for the Captain Jim Bob
Sherwood comics.

[gasping]

[groaning]

There aren't words that can
describe how I feel right now.

Just...

[muttering]

How is this possible?

[laughing]

I entered the contest because

I knew it would drive
you crazy if I won.

I won.

Well, it looks like
you're both winners.

Jerry, I don't think
you understand.

Now they have
to work together.

Oh, my gosh.

We're all losers.

♪ Well, you know everything's
gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ That the end will no doubt
justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem
with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ But you might find out
it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report
on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers
you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not
what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you
wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble
if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything
is not what it seems ♪

♪ Everything is not
what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you
want by the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess
with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not ♪

♪ What it seems ♪♪

- Whoa.
- Oh!

[gagging]

What is that smell?

Justin and Alex are off
making their comic book.

So, it just makes sense
for me to help

by coming up with
a special scent for it.

Here, check it out.

I'm making a scent that
smells like excitement,

adventure and just a
little bit of mystery.

What could that
possibly smell like?

Welcome to the mystery part.

Oh!

- Oh!
- What is that stink?

- Whoo!
- Did a cow die in here?

Your little brother
is making a scent

to go with your comic book.

OK, dude, that's ridiculous.

The Captain Jim Bob Sherwood
stories are classics

that do not rely on gimmicks
to sustain their popularity.

Got it. I'm gonna come up with a
popularity smell for your comic
book.

I'm gonna need to find
some deodorant first.

Popular kids tend
to wear deodorant.

[Jerry] Look.

Before you guys start
working together,

I wanna make one thing
perfectly clear.

Do not come to your mother
and me with your problems.

That's right.
It's not that we don't care.

This seems like a regular
brother and sister problem.

Not "There's a black hole
in the Sub Station

sucking in the universe"
kind of problem.

When are you gonna
let that go?

When someone finds
my storage box

full of my
Christmas sweaters.

I don't think the black hole
got rid of those.

No, it was the black hole.
It was.

[Justin] All right, look.

You guys don't have
to worry about us.

'Cause I got the whole comic
book mapped out right here.

Good.

Well, your father and I
are gonna go

pick out paint swatches
for our bedroom.

Can't wait. Nothing goes
with a torn comforter

and a broken dresser
like fresh paint.

OK. So, we're going to do a
classic Captain Jim Bob story

of intergalactic exploration

and the pursuit
of space justice.

Now...

I thought he was a rancher.

No.

He's not a rancher.

He's a farmer.

When he's not on a mission
for a secret department
of the US government

he lives on a farm in Wyoming.

A crime-fighting
farmer in space?

Really?

Yes. Really.

Read some back issues.

Do you even know
what he looks like?

That's him right there
with the thumbs up.

That's his signature thumbs up.

Anyway...

It does not matter what
the previous comic books
have done with him.

This one is ours.

So, let's go
our own way.

Here. Check it out.
Check it out. OK.

Look. All right. So...

Here's Captain Jim Bob
enjoying a taco

while the girl pirates...

See the pretty one
has a peg-leg. Only her.

...are checking out
his space rocket.

OK. And then...

A bear comes

and he slaps the taco
out of his hand,

eats the rocket,

and then takes the girl pirates

to a really cool club.

[imitating techno music]

Where... OK, wait.
Where the girl...

Where the girl pirates
get in,

but the bear gets
stopped at the rope

because he doesn't have his ID.

I...
I don't want to hear it!

These aren't the things that
Captain Jim Bob Sherwood does.

He has a girlfriend.
Jessica Moon.

And he only eats the things
he grows on his farm:

spinach and apples.

Now, look, OK.

I've drawn up some
rudimentary drawings

I thought the artist,

you, could use
as inspiration.

So, check 'em out.

Labeled some
things to help you.

Get right to it here.

Oh! Those are awesome!

Thank you.

They actually took me
a long time.

[laughing] No, I mean
they're awesome.

Like they're so horribly bad
they're hilarious.

Just draw 'em, OK?

It's your job
to draw my stories.

No. It's your job
to write stories

that go with my drawings.

Your stories don't work.

Captain Jim Bob has never
had a taco or met a bear.

Well, then
we should do that.

Don't you think he should
have the experience

of eating a crunchy
chicken taco alone

while a bear takes
girl pirates to a club?

No! No, he should not!

These are not
the things he does.

Spinach and apples!

Well...
I am not drawing that.

So...

Good luck trying
to find someone

that'll read a book
with no pictures.

Ha! Not all books
have pictures.

Ha! Yes, they do,
because if they didn't
they wouldn't be books.

They would be homework!

You can't just
run away from this, Alex.

Mom, Dad, Alex doesn't want
to help on the comic book.

She wants to make
a crazy version

that talks about
bears and tacos.

Mmm. Tacos.

Oh, no.
We're not getting involved.

It is our vision.
We can do whatever we want.

We told you we're
not getting involved.

You two need to work
this out together,

just like your
father and I.

Together, we decided

that we're painting our
bedroom Miami Sunburn.

What? No, we didn't.

We're keeping it beige.

Jerry, our room's not beige.

It's white that's dirty
enough to call beige.

Exactly!

Why paint the walls

when the colors are gonna
change by themselves?

Ah! Forget about them.

Look. There's Harper.
She'll decide who's right.

[Alex] Hey, Harper.

No!

- Hi, Harper.
- How are things?

Oh, don't look so worried.

We just want you to decide

whose artistic vision is
better for our comic book.

I just don't pick sides
in fights involving wizards

who could possibly turn me
into something like
a beautiful mermaid.

Wait. Harper's right.

We should use magic.

[Justin] OK.

Don't even think about that.

This is causing
too much strife.

From the pages
come to life.

Oh, my gosh!

I cannot believe that...

You are here

in front of me.

Hey, kids.

This ain't no job for no farmer.

This is a Captain Jim Bob job.

That's what he says!

What seems to be the
problem, little lady?

Oh, no. My mom told me not to
talk to men in astronaut suits.

It can only lead to heartbreak.

Curse you, John Glenn.

Captain, sir, we're working
on your next adventure.

I have the creative vision
and she's just the artist
who carries that out.

Well, that's some
wonderful news.

Stanley Nothisname,
the old artist,

he was really slipping.

Did you see
the last issue?

He forgot to draw in
my space belt.

I had a heck of time
keeping my space pants up.

We need you to decide
which one of our stories
you'd like to be a part of.

Well, I'm not really
involved in those decisions.

I just sort of show up
and say the words.

I'm sure whatever you do,
as long as you make me
look like a hero,

will be fine with me.

So, sir, you wouldn't mind
fighting outer space injustice

and then going home to relax

in Farmtown with a nice big bowl
of spinach and apples?

He just said that
he doesn't care.

So he won't mind beating up
a bear that spits fire

and then rewarding himself
with a lovely, crunchy taco.

[Justin scoffs]

A taco. How exotic.

They're not exotic.
You can get 'em on any
street corner in New York.

Stay out of this.

You see?

He wants to try
new things.

Like tacos.

[laughs] No, no, no.

You see,
it's not about the food.

It's about staying true to
his character. Ask him.

Isn't that right, Captain?

Captain? Where'd he go?

He probably went to go try one
of those tacos you said were on
every street corner in New York.

I was making a point.

There's not a taco stand
within miles of here.

- Come on.
- Sure, I could use a taco.

Why not?

Any luck finding
Captain Jim Bob?

Nope. You?

No.

You didn't look,
did you?

I looked around
this general area.

Wow.

What are we going to do now?

I don't know.

I do know.

I'll be right back.

[footsteps running upstairs]

I got it. I got it.

Check it out.

It's the very collectible

Captain Jim Bob Sherwood
Communicator.

I would have never taken
it out of the box, but
this is an emergency.

Wait, Justin!

I have something that will
work even better than that.

Operator, can you get me
Captain Jim Bob Sherwood.

Come in, Captain.
This is Command Base Five.

This is so sad.

You're like an eight year old.

He's gone, dude.

This is Captain
Jim Bob Sherwood.

Go ahead, Command Five.

My gosh, it works.

Captain, we're gonna need
you to return to Base ASAP.

No can do, Command Five.

There's too much crime
in this city,

and I'm not going anywhere
until it's all gone.

So, basically I'm
never coming back.

Tell Jessica I give her
permission to make a pie

for the county fair
with another fella.

Over and out.

Captain! Wait. Captain!

No over and out.
No over and out!

Hey, wait a minute.

If he's out there
fighting crime,

we should stage a crime
here to lure him back.

Quick, let's think of a crime.

Uh, uh...

OK. I've got it!

We'll have him think his
girlfriend Jessica Moon

has fallen into the clutches
of evil villains.

He's always saving her
in the comic.

Perfect.
I'll just bring Jessica to life.

[stutters] Really? Come on.

That's what got us into this.

We'll have to dress someone up
just like Jessica.

And it's gonna have
to be convincing.

Maybe Harper can help.

Does anyone else
smell cinnamon rolls?

Yes, that would be me.

I finally found a scent
that works perfectly with
your comic book.

Cinnamon rolls is the scent
of friendship.

What'd you do,
wipe them on yourself?

Alex, don't be disgusting.

That'd just leave a sticky mess.

I shoved them in my armpits.

Oh!

Who wants to be friends?

People.

Is the Jessica Moon
costume ready?

[Justin] That looks great.

You did a good job, Harper.

You even got the
little jewels right.

- All right, Max, get on in.
- What? No.

- Take a hike.
- You take a hike.

- Oh, yeah?
- I'm sorry.

Good. I'm gonna go change.

Dude, how long does
she have to live here

before she realizes that you
don't have to leave the room

- to change clothes?
- Wait!

[Justin] What are you
supposed to be?

What kind of villain is that?

I'm an evil queen.

What are you supposed to be,
some kind of fancy bunny?

Uh, no.

I'm Archibald Van Cleef.

Captain Sherwood's nemesis.

I'm a billionaire scientist
who experiments on himself.

Then a mouse climbed into one of
my chambers during an experiment

and now I'm half-mouse,
half-billionaire-scientist.

I could really go for a piece
of cheese right about now.

And there are no evil queens
in Jim Bob's world.

There's always an evil queen.

Sometimes she's
the head cheerleader.

Sometimes she's the
fairy tale stepmother.

And sometimes she's your sister.

Oh, this cannot be good.

What is going on here?

We are working together
to solve our problems
just like you asked.

Jerry, I think we have to...

set aside our bickering to deal
with something more important.

The problems
of our children.

Or, we could paint
the bedroom

in a thinly veiled attempt
to get out of good parenting.

- Butter pecan?
- I don't care if it's black.

I just do not want
to deal with this.

- Oh!
- OK.

[Alex] Harper,

I could have flashed
you into that costume.

Oh. No thanks.
Whenever you do that,

I feel like there's a brief
second where I'm naked.

All right,
now stand still.

I'm going to put some
inviso-chains on you.

Inviso-chains? I get it.

I just gotta go,

"Oh, no! I've been
inviso-chained. Ooh!"

I'm so scared.

Oh, my gosh!
There's really inviso-chains.

Ow! And they're getting tighter.

Oh, yeah.
You do not want to struggle.

They'll just get tighter.

And whatever you do...

Whatever you do,
don't run.

That's when
the blades come out.

OK!

Now I'm gonna have to ask you
to scream for help into this
device right here.

We're gonna wait for
Captain Jim Bob Sherwood
to come rescue you.

Then, once he's
triumphed in justice,

he'll go back and want
to relax in Farmtown.

Help! Captain Jim Bob!

I'm Jessica Moon.
And I need help.

[Captain Jim Bob]
I'm on my way.

And here I am.

And thank goodness too.

Because there's not a
sanitary public restroom

in this entire city.

Over here!

I've been inviso-chained.

Which is misleading,
'cause there's blades.

You'll never get her, Sherwood.

Because I'm Archibald Van Cleef.

As you can see,
the ears and...

Look, I've taken over all
the evil in New York City.

Archibald Van Cleef.
I should have known.

And who are you?

- Evil queen.
- Yeah!

That's a nifty idea.

I haven't really
fought one of those.

Now stand aside while
I reunite myself with my
beautiful Jessica Moon.

And then, just like the 1950s,

we could hold hands or possibly
kiss each other on the cheek.

I hope that's not being
too forward, Jessica.

I don't talk
to astronauts.

She's not going anywhere.

[Captain Jim Bob]
You shall all

feel the wrath
of the kung fu arts,

that were taught to me

by a secret department
of the US government.

Wait a minute.
You're not Jessica Moon.

Although you do have a faint
nose whistle like her.

Yeah.

Dr. Feldman says this nostril
is bigger than that one.

But, um, my mom says
it makes me a treasure.

But I just don't think we
have the money to fix it.

And you're not Van Cleef.

And you,

may or may not be
who you say you are.

I'm not quite sure.

What's going on here?

[sighs]

Listen, Captain.
I can explain. Uh...

You need to let us put you
back in the comic book
or your adventures are over.

I'm afraid not.
I'm not leaving

until I have blasted the crime
out of this baño

that you call a city.

That's what I do.

I explore and I kick some butt
when I need to.

I also take a beginning
Spanish class.

Baño is toilet.

Muy bien, muy bien.

But, but, but...
Wait!

Look, Captain, this is
the real Jessica Moon.

[Alex] Forget
about this city.

She needs you.

Oh, my! She has gotten
herself into quite a bind.

You can see
the fear in her eyes.

I mean she is trapped.

You're right.

I have to go save her.

Oh, she is a hottie.

To tell you the truth
I don't mind leaving this city.

It's a little bit of a relief.
It's pretty tough out there.

Someone tried to break
my space helmet.

- While I was wearing it.
- [Justin gasps]

Who does that sort of thing?

Frizetta Kirby did go
into the comic you should go.

Wow.

We did it.

Yep. We worked together
and we got him back.

We could actually do
this comic book thing.

Mm?

Gosh, now I can see why
evil queens are so evil.

This thing is
making me irritable.

[inviso-chains tighten]

[blades whirring]

Oh, no!

The blades!
The blades!

This really came out nice.

Your drawings
are so detailed.

I don't even mind that he has
hot sauce in his space belt now.

It's a weapon

that goes well
on bad guys

and tortilla chips.

Oh, look. A review
for the comic book.

- Oh!
- OK.

"In the new issue of Captain
Jim Bob Sherwood's adventures,

the baton has been passed
on to a new artistic team."

That's us.

"Sherwood is sucked into
an alternate frontier

that's riddled with crime
and food he's never
encountered before.

He rescues Jessica Moon
and returns to Farmtown

with an intergalactic
recipe for fajitas."

[chuckles] Fajitas.

"The Russo sisters
Alex and Justine

have taken over
the reigns with flare."

What?

Did you say Justine?

Wow.

Sometimes I don't have to
do anything and I still win.

I'm gonna write a strongly
worded letter to the reviewer.

Yeah, good luck
with that, sis.