Original subtitles

Guys! Guys, is the mail here yet?

Oh, Justin.

You have been so anxious about the mail all week, honey.

It's just a $1.25 rebate on maple syrup.

Give him $2.50 to get him to stop talking about it, Jerry.

I don't carry that kind of cash.

How about half a banana.

OK, uh, no. It's not about the rebate.

The creators of the Captain Jim Bob Sherwood comics have retired.

They're holding a contest to find the replacements.

I'm waiting to see if I won.

And boy, am I excited.

I won a contest once.

Worst reader.

I think that's what the letter said.

Why don't they just e-mail you the results, like they do with all contests nowadays?

'Cause every time I open up an e-mail that says I won a contest,

it's really just someone trying to sell me vitamins.

I got the mail.

Justin, your vitamins are here.

This is it. This is it!

If they allow me the honor of being the new writer

for the Captain Jim Bob Sherwood comics,

I'll be a hero to kids everywhere and...

...and myself.

Mm-mm! Don't you get kids involved in your pathetic life.

I won! It says it right there.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Of course you did, son.

You know what I'm wondering?

How many people actually entered the contest.

[sighs]

This is truly one of the greatest moments of my life.

I can't think of anything in this world that can bring me down right now.

Here. Let me try.

I won the contest, too.

What?

How...? No way.

You don't write.

No. I draw.

And apparently good. Check out this e-mail.

Congratulations, Alex Russo,

you have been selected as the new artist

for the Captain Jim Bob Sherwood comics.

[gasping]

[groaning]

There aren't words that can describe how I feel right now.

Just...

[muttering]

How is this possible?

[laughing]

I entered the contest because

I knew it would drive you crazy if I won.

I won.

Well, it looks like you're both winners.

Jerry, I don't think you understand.

Now they have to work together.

Oh, my gosh.

We're all losers.

♪ Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ That the end will no doubt justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ But you might find out it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you want by the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not ♪

♪ What it seems ♪♪

- Whoa. - Oh!

[gagging]

What is that smell?

Justin and Alex are off making their comic book.

So, it just makes sense for me to help

by coming up with a special scent for it.

Here, check it out.

I'm making a scent that smells like excitement,

adventure and just a little bit of mystery.

What could that possibly smell like?

Welcome to the mystery part.

Oh!

- Oh! - What is that stink?

- Whoo! - Did a cow die in here?

Your little brother is making a scent

to go with your comic book.

OK, dude, that's ridiculous.

The Captain Jim Bob Sherwood stories are classics

that do not rely on gimmicks to sustain their popularity.

Got it. I'm gonna come up with a popularity smell for your comic book.

I'm gonna need to find some deodorant first.

Popular kids tend to wear deodorant.

[Jerry] Look.

Before you guys start working together,

I wanna make one thing perfectly clear.

Do not come to your mother and me with your problems.

That's right. It's not that we don't care.

This seems like a regular brother and sister problem.

Not "There's a black hole in the Sub Station

sucking in the universe" kind of problem.

When are you gonna let that go?

When someone finds my storage box

full of my Christmas sweaters.

I don't think the black hole got rid of those.

No, it was the black hole. It was.

[Justin] All right, look.

You guys don't have to worry about us.

'Cause I got the whole comic book mapped out right here.

Good.

Well, your father and I are gonna go

pick out paint swatches for our bedroom.

Can't wait. Nothing goes with a torn comforter

and a broken dresser like fresh paint.

OK. So, we're going to do a classic Captain Jim Bob story

of intergalactic exploration

and the pursuit of space justice.

Now...

I thought he was a rancher.

No.

He's not a rancher.

He's a farmer.

When he's not on a mission for a secret department of the US government

he lives on a farm in Wyoming.

A crime-fighting farmer in space?

Really?

Yes. Really.

Read some back issues.

Do you even know what he looks like?

That's him right there with the thumbs up.

That's his signature thumbs up.

Anyway...

It does not matter what the previous comic books have done with him.

This one is ours.

So, let's go our own way.

Here. Check it out. Check it out. OK.

Look. All right. So...

Here's Captain Jim Bob enjoying a taco

while the girl pirates...

See the pretty one has a peg-leg. Only her.

...are checking out his space rocket.

OK. And then...

A bear comes

and he slaps the taco out of his hand,

eats the rocket,

and then takes the girl pirates

to a really cool club.

[imitating techno music]

Where... OK, wait. Where the girl...

Where the girl pirates get in,

but the bear gets stopped at the rope

because he doesn't have his ID.

I... I don't want to hear it!

These aren't the things that Captain Jim Bob Sherwood does.

He has a girlfriend. Jessica Moon.

And he only eats the things he grows on his farm:

spinach and apples.

Now, look, OK.

I've drawn up some rudimentary drawings

I thought the artist,

you, could use as inspiration.

So, check 'em out.

Labeled some things to help you.

Get right to it here.

Oh! Those are awesome!

Thank you.

They actually took me a long time.

[laughing] No, I mean they're awesome.

Like they're so horribly bad they're hilarious.

Just draw 'em, OK?

It's your job to draw my stories.

No. It's your job to write stories

that go with my drawings.

Your stories don't work.

Captain Jim Bob has never had a taco or met a bear.

Well, then we should do that.

Don't you think he should have the experience

of eating a crunchy chicken taco alone

while a bear takes girl pirates to a club?

No! No, he should not!

These are not the things he does.

Spinach and apples!

Well... I am not drawing that.

So...

Good luck trying to find someone

that'll read a book with no pictures.

Ha! Not all books have pictures.

Ha! Yes, they do, because if they didn't they wouldn't be books.

They would be homework!

You can't just run away from this, Alex.

Mom, Dad, Alex doesn't want to help on the comic book.

She wants to make a crazy version

that talks about bears and tacos.

Mmm. Tacos.

Oh, no. We're not getting involved.

It is our vision. We can do whatever we want.

We told you we're not getting involved.

You two need to work this out together,

just like your father and I.

Together, we decided

that we're painting our bedroom Miami Sunburn.

What? No, we didn't.

We're keeping it beige.

Jerry, our room's not beige.

It's white that's dirty enough to call beige.

Exactly!

Why paint the walls

when the colors are gonna change by themselves?

Ah! Forget about them.

Look. There's Harper. She'll decide who's right.

[Alex] Hey, Harper.

No!

- Hi, Harper. - How are things?

Oh, don't look so worried.

We just want you to decide

whose artistic vision is better for our comic book.

I just don't pick sides in fights involving wizards

who could possibly turn me into something like a beautiful mermaid.

Wait. Harper's right.

We should use magic.

[Justin] OK.

Don't even think about that.

This is causing too much strife.

From the pages come to life.

Oh, my gosh!

I cannot believe that...

You are here

in front of me.

Hey, kids.

This ain't no job for no farmer.

This is a Captain Jim Bob job.

That's what he says!

What seems to be the problem, little lady?

Oh, no. My mom told me not to talk to men in astronaut suits.

It can only lead to heartbreak.

Curse you, John Glenn.

Captain, sir, we're working on your next adventure.

I have the creative vision and she's just the artist who carries that out.

Well, that's some wonderful news.

Stanley Nothisname, the old artist,

he was really slipping.

Did you see the last issue?

He forgot to draw in my space belt.

I had a heck of time keeping my space pants up.

We need you to decide which one of our stories you'd like to be a part of.

Well, I'm not really involved in those decisions.

I just sort of show up and say the words.

I'm sure whatever you do, as long as you make me look like a hero,

will be fine with me.

So, sir, you wouldn't mind fighting outer space injustice

and then going home to relax

in Farmtown with a nice big bowl of spinach and apples?

He just said that he doesn't care.

So he won't mind beating up a bear that spits fire

and then rewarding himself with a lovely, crunchy taco.

[Justin scoffs]

A taco. How exotic.

They're not exotic. You can get 'em on any street corner in New York.

Stay out of this.

You see?

He wants to try new things.

Like tacos.

[laughs] No, no, no.

You see, it's not about the food.

It's about staying true to his character. Ask him.

Isn't that right, Captain?

Captain? Where'd he go?

He probably went to go try one of those tacos you said were on every street corner in New York.

I was making a point.

There's not a taco stand within miles of here.

- Come on. - Sure, I could use a taco.

Why not?

Any luck finding Captain Jim Bob?

Nope. You?

No.

You didn't look, did you?

I looked around this general area.

Wow.

What are we going to do now?

I don't know.

I do know.

I'll be right back.

[footsteps running upstairs]

I got it. I got it.

Check it out.

It's the very collectible

Captain Jim Bob Sherwood Communicator.

I would have never taken it out of the box, but this is an emergency.

Wait, Justin!

I have something that will work even better than that.

Operator, can you get me Captain Jim Bob Sherwood.

Come in, Captain. This is Command Base Five.

This is so sad.

You're like an eight year old.

He's gone, dude.

This is Captain Jim Bob Sherwood.

Go ahead, Command Five.

My gosh, it works.

Captain, we're gonna need you to return to Base ASAP.

No can do, Command Five.

There's too much crime in this city,

and I'm not going anywhere until it's all gone.

So, basically I'm never coming back.

Tell Jessica I give her permission to make a pie

for the county fair with another fella.

Over and out.

Captain! Wait. Captain!

No over and out. No over and out!

Hey, wait a minute.

If he's out there fighting crime,

we should stage a crime here to lure him back.

Quick, let's think of a crime.

Uh, uh...

OK. I've got it!

We'll have him think his girlfriend Jessica Moon

has fallen into the clutches of evil villains.

He's always saving her in the comic.

Perfect. I'll just bring Jessica to life.

[stutters] Really? Come on.

That's what got us into this.

We'll have to dress someone up just like Jessica.

And it's gonna have to be convincing.

Maybe Harper can help.

Does anyone else smell cinnamon rolls?

Yes, that would be me.

I finally found a scent that works perfectly with your comic book.

Cinnamon rolls is the scent of friendship.

What'd you do, wipe them on yourself?

Alex, don't be disgusting.

That'd just leave a sticky mess.

I shoved them in my armpits.

Oh!

Who wants to be friends?

People.

Is the Jessica Moon costume ready?

[Justin] That looks great.

You did a good job, Harper.

You even got the little jewels right.

- All right, Max, get on in. - What? No.

- Take a hike. - You take a hike.

- Oh, yeah? - I'm sorry.

Good. I'm gonna go change.

Dude, how long does she have to live here

before she realizes that you don't have to leave the room

- to change clothes? - Wait!

[Justin] What are you supposed to be?

What kind of villain is that?

I'm an evil queen.

What are you supposed to be, some kind of fancy bunny?

Uh, no.

I'm Archibald Van Cleef.

Captain Sherwood's nemesis.

I'm a billionaire scientist who experiments on himself.

Then a mouse climbed into one of my chambers during an experiment

and now I'm half-mouse, half-billionaire-scientist.

I could really go for a piece of cheese right about now.

And there are no evil queens in Jim Bob's world.

There's always an evil queen.

Sometimes she's the head cheerleader.

Sometimes she's the fairy tale stepmother.

And sometimes she's your sister.

Oh, this cannot be good.

What is going on here?

We are working together to solve our problems just like you asked.

Jerry, I think we have to...

set aside our bickering to deal with something more important.

The problems of our children.

Or, we could paint the bedroom

in a thinly veiled attempt to get out of good parenting.

- Butter pecan? - I don't care if it's black.

I just do not want to deal with this.

- Oh! - OK.

[Alex] Harper,

I could have flashed you into that costume.

Oh. No thanks. Whenever you do that,

I feel like there's a brief second where I'm naked.

All right, now stand still.

I'm going to put some inviso-chains on you.

Inviso-chains? I get it.

I just gotta go,

"Oh, no! I've been inviso-chained. Ooh!"

I'm so scared.

Oh, my gosh! There's really inviso-chains.

Ow! And they're getting tighter.

Oh, yeah. You do not want to struggle.

They'll just get tighter.

And whatever you do...

Whatever you do, don't run.

That's when the blades come out.

OK!

Now I'm gonna have to ask you to scream for help into this device right here.

We're gonna wait for Captain Jim Bob Sherwood to come rescue you.

Then, once he's triumphed in justice,

he'll go back and want to relax in Farmtown.

Help! Captain Jim Bob!

I'm Jessica Moon. And I need help.

[Captain Jim Bob] I'm on my way.

And here I am.

And thank goodness too.

Because there's not a sanitary public restroom

in this entire city.

Over here!

I've been inviso-chained.

Which is misleading, 'cause there's blades.

You'll never get her, Sherwood.

Because I'm Archibald Van Cleef.

As you can see, the ears and...

Look, I've taken over all the evil in New York City.

Archibald Van Cleef. I should have known.

And who are you?

- Evil queen. - Yeah!

That's a nifty idea.

I haven't really fought one of those.

Now stand aside while I reunite myself with my beautiful Jessica Moon.

And then, just like the 1950s,

we could hold hands or possibly kiss each other on the cheek.

I hope that's not being too forward, Jessica.

I don't talk to astronauts.

She's not going anywhere.

[Captain Jim Bob] You shall all

feel the wrath of the kung fu arts,

that were taught to me

by a secret department of the US government.

Wait a minute. You're not Jessica Moon.

Although you do have a faint nose whistle like her.

Yeah.

Dr. Feldman says this nostril is bigger than that one.

But, um, my mom says it makes me a treasure.

But I just don't think we have the money to fix it.

And you're not Van Cleef.

And you,

may or may not be who you say you are.

I'm not quite sure.

What's going on here?

[sighs]

Listen, Captain. I can explain. Uh...

You need to let us put you back in the comic book or your adventures are over.

I'm afraid not. I'm not leaving

until I have blasted the crime out of this baño

that you call a city.

That's what I do.

I explore and I kick some butt when I need to.

I also take a beginning Spanish class.

Baño is toilet.

Muy bien, muy bien.

But, but, but... Wait!

Look, Captain, this is the real Jessica Moon.

[Alex] Forget about this city.

She needs you.

Oh, my! She has gotten herself into quite a bind.

You can see the fear in her eyes.

I mean she is trapped.

You're right.

I have to go save her.

Oh, she is a hottie.

To tell you the truth I don't mind leaving this city.

It's a little bit of a relief. It's pretty tough out there.

Someone tried to break my space helmet.

- While I was wearing it. - [Justin gasps]

Who does that sort of thing?

Frizetta Kirby did go into the comic you should go.

Wow.

We did it.

Yep. We worked together and we got him back.

We could actually do this comic book thing.

Mm?

Gosh, now I can see why evil queens are so evil.

This thing is making me irritable.

[inviso-chains tighten]

[blades whirring]

Oh, no!

The blades! The blades!

This really came out nice.

Your drawings are so detailed.

I don't even mind that he has hot sauce in his space belt now.

It's a weapon

that goes well on bad guys

and tortilla chips.

Oh, look. A review for the comic book.

- Oh! - OK.

"In the new issue of Captain Jim Bob Sherwood's adventures,

the baton has been passed on to a new artistic team."

That's us.

"Sherwood is sucked into an alternate frontier

that's riddled with crime and food he's never encountered before.

He rescues Jessica Moon and returns to Farmtown

with an intergalactic recipe for fajitas."

[chuckles] Fajitas.

"The Russo sisters Alex and Justine

have taken over the reigns with flare."

What?

Did you say Justine?

Wow.

Sometimes I don't have to do anything and I still win.

I'm gonna write a strongly worded letter to the reviewer.

Yeah, good luck with that, sis.