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1
00:00:07,375 --> 00:00:08,708
Good morning, Alex.
2
00:00:08,708 --> 00:00:10,291
[grunts]
What's so good about it?
3
00:00:10,291 --> 00:00:13,083
This morning, my mom made me
butterfly-shaped waffles.
4
00:00:13,083 --> 00:00:16,958
I mean, it's the crack of dawn,
stop being adorable.
5
00:00:16,958 --> 00:00:20,125
I made those.
Your mom is right.
6
00:00:20,125 --> 00:00:21,875
We should just
give you dry toast.
7
00:00:23,708 --> 00:00:26,583
Is Max talking
to a girl?
8
00:00:26,583 --> 00:00:30,500
I say three seconds before she
yells "gross" and runs away.
9
00:00:31,708 --> 00:00:33,750
[giggles]
10
00:00:33,750 --> 00:00:36,458
She's not running away.
11
00:00:37,958 --> 00:00:40,708
Let's see if we can't figure out
what's wrong with her.
12
00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:42,583
I know it's here
someplace.
13
00:00:42,583 --> 00:00:45,000
This morning, I took it
from my bag of dead things.
14
00:00:46,625 --> 00:00:48,208
Give me a second.
15
00:00:48,208 --> 00:00:51,291
Here it is!
All right, my lizard.
16
00:00:51,291 --> 00:00:55,291
Well, most of him. His tail
turned to crumbs in my pocket.
17
00:00:56,458 --> 00:00:58,166
Oh, wait,
is this cookie crumbs?
18
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:01,125
[smacks]
19
00:01:02,458 --> 00:01:03,708
No, that's lizard.
20
00:01:06,375 --> 00:01:09,208
- Here you go.
- Aww.
21
00:01:09,208 --> 00:01:12,458
You know what they say,
"If you love something
let it go,
22
00:01:12,458 --> 00:01:14,750
if it doesn't come back it was
never yours in the first place."
23
00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:18,958
But, Tom, it's dead.
24
00:01:21,875 --> 00:01:23,750
Max? Hey!
25
00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:30,166
Did you just give this girl
your most prized possession?
26
00:01:30,166 --> 00:01:32,333
You let her have
your dead lizard?
27
00:01:32,333 --> 00:01:33,458
But you got all worked up
28
00:01:33,458 --> 00:01:36,708
when I wanted to turn it
into a barrette.
29
00:01:36,708 --> 00:01:40,875
- Tom, who are these people?
- I have no idea, Nancy.
30
00:01:40,875 --> 00:01:45,250
And for your information,
total strangers,
31
00:01:45,250 --> 00:01:46,833
we're going to
some place in the school
32
00:01:46,833 --> 00:01:48,875
where we actually
know people. [laughs]
33
00:01:48,875 --> 00:01:51,708
[laughs]
Tom, you're so funny.
34
00:01:51,708 --> 00:01:55,000
[guffaws] I know, right?
Isn't Tom a riot?
35
00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:57,458
Look, Nancy, it's been a
pleasure meeting both of you,
36
00:01:57,458 --> 00:02:00,083
but, um, I need to talk
to my new friend Tom alone.
37
00:02:00,083 --> 00:02:02,500
OK. I'm going to wood shop
to make a shadow box
38
00:02:02,500 --> 00:02:04,500
- to display my dead lizard.
- OK.
39
00:02:06,833 --> 00:02:09,958
Aw, that's how it all
started with me.
40
00:02:09,958 --> 00:02:12,208
Shadow boxes
are a gateway craft.
41
00:02:13,750 --> 00:02:15,708
Guess what, Tom?
42
00:02:15,708 --> 00:02:18,250
You've been caught
in some kind of lie and I,
43
00:02:18,250 --> 00:02:20,958
being the Queen of All Lies,
need to know what it is.
44
00:02:20,958 --> 00:02:23,250
Well...
45
00:02:23,250 --> 00:02:25,583
[sighs] Nancy has been
my girlfriend for a while.
46
00:02:25,583 --> 00:02:27,833
- [gasps] Oh, my gosh,
you have a girlfriend!
- [squealing]
47
00:02:27,833 --> 00:02:29,083
Max, you have a girlfriend.
48
00:02:29,083 --> 00:02:31,125
Wait, wait. OK. OK.
OK, I'm sorry.
49
00:02:31,125 --> 00:02:32,458
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
50
00:02:32,458 --> 00:02:36,000
What's wrong with her?
Booger eater? Bathroom snacker?
51
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:38,875
Snort laugher?
What is it?
52
00:02:38,875 --> 00:02:42,083
All that. That's what makes
her great. She's super gross.
53
00:02:42,083 --> 00:02:45,583
- Aww.
- Aww, you're gonna be
together forever.
54
00:02:45,583 --> 00:02:47,750
Do me a favor, though.
Don't tell Mom and Dad.
55
00:02:47,750 --> 00:02:49,250
I'm afraid they're
gonna do something
56
00:02:49,250 --> 00:02:51,000
really embarrassing
and scare her away.
57
00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:54,625
Max, I appreciate you wanting
to lie about having our parents,
58
00:02:54,625 --> 00:02:56,875
but changing your first name
isn't going to fool anyone.
59
00:02:56,875 --> 00:02:59,958
Oh, no, I know.
But I changed my
last name, too, to Sawyer.
60
00:02:59,958 --> 00:03:02,083
- [scoffs]
- [laughs]
61
00:03:02,083 --> 00:03:04,083
- This kid.
- Tom Sawyer?
62
00:03:04,083 --> 00:03:06,458
- Yeah.
- That's such an obvious lie.
63
00:03:06,458 --> 00:03:09,458
It's the name from
the Rush song.
64
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,458
And the classic book.
65
00:03:14,458 --> 00:03:18,458
Wow, that song was good,
I didn't know they made
a book out of it.
66
00:03:20,875 --> 00:03:23,125
♪ Well, you know everything's
gonna be a breeze ♪
67
00:03:23,125 --> 00:03:25,083
♪ That the end will no doubt
justify the means ♪
68
00:03:25,083 --> 00:03:27,375
♪ You can fix any problem
with the slightest of ease ♪
69
00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:28,875
♪ Yes, please ♪
70
00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:30,708
♪ But you might find out
it'll go to your head ♪
71
00:03:30,708 --> 00:03:32,583
♪ When you write a report
on a book you never read ♪
72
00:03:32,583 --> 00:03:35,250
♪ With the snap of your fingers
you can make your bed ♪
73
00:03:35,250 --> 00:03:36,708
♪ That's what I said ♪
74
00:03:36,708 --> 00:03:39,833
♪ Everything is not
what it seems ♪
75
00:03:39,833 --> 00:03:43,708
♪ When you can get all you
wanted in your wildest dreams ♪
76
00:03:43,708 --> 00:03:47,458
♪ You might run into trouble
if you go to extremes ♪
77
00:03:47,458 --> 00:03:51,500
♪ Because everything
is not what it seems ♪
78
00:03:51,500 --> 00:03:55,208
♪ Everything is not
what it seems ♪
79
00:03:55,208 --> 00:03:59,583
♪ When you can have what you
want by the simplest of means ♪
80
00:03:59,583 --> 00:04:02,875
♪ Be careful not to mess
with the balance of things ♪
81
00:04:02,875 --> 00:04:05,958
♪ Because everything is not ♪
82
00:04:07,208 --> 00:04:09,458
♪ What it seems ♪♪
83
00:04:17,708 --> 00:04:20,250
[strumming]
84
00:04:20,250 --> 00:04:23,708
Justin! Justin!
Guess what? Guess what?
85
00:04:23,708 --> 00:04:25,708
- Max has a girlfriend.
- [squealing]
86
00:04:25,708 --> 00:04:27,500
Girlfriend!
It is so cute.
87
00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:29,708
The whole relationship
is based on a lie.
88
00:04:29,708 --> 00:04:32,166
[laughs]
I've taught him so well.
89
00:04:33,708 --> 00:04:35,708
What are you talking about?
90
00:04:35,708 --> 00:04:38,583
Max told his new girlfriend,
Nancy, that his name
was Tom Sawyer
91
00:04:38,583 --> 00:04:40,500
so that he wouldn't be
embarrassed by your folks.
92
00:04:40,500 --> 00:04:43,458
Maybe he should have gone with
a name a little less obvious,
93
00:04:43,458 --> 00:04:44,708
like Scooby-Doo.
94
00:04:46,458 --> 00:04:48,875
This lie could easily unravel.
95
00:04:48,875 --> 00:04:52,583
Alex, huge problem.
My lie is falling apart.
96
00:04:52,583 --> 00:04:54,833
[strums]
97
00:04:57,375 --> 00:04:59,500
- [mouths] Sorry.
- Wait, what?
98
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,958
Yeah, Nancy wants to come over
to meet Mom and Dad now.
99
00:05:01,958 --> 00:05:03,708
[strums]
100
00:05:05,875 --> 00:05:08,125
OK, not a problem.
Not a problem.
101
00:05:08,125 --> 00:05:09,583
This is, um...
102
00:05:09,583 --> 00:05:11,458
This is the exciting
part of lying.
103
00:05:11,458 --> 00:05:13,458
It's when we get to use
our imagination
104
00:05:13,458 --> 00:05:15,750
to make the lie
even more spectacular.
105
00:05:15,750 --> 00:05:18,833
I know. I just wish there was a
way Nancy could meet Mom and Dad
106
00:05:18,833 --> 00:05:21,500
without actually
meeting Mom and Dad.
107
00:05:21,500 --> 00:05:23,125
Oh, OK.
108
00:05:23,125 --> 00:05:26,333
Justin and I can use a spell
to make each other look ancient.
109
00:05:26,333 --> 00:05:28,208
You know, like how
Mom and Dad look.
110
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:31,583
Why should I do that?
111
00:05:31,583 --> 00:05:34,083
Because your parents
are a little embarrassing.
112
00:05:34,083 --> 00:05:36,083
All my girlfriends
have met my parents.
113
00:05:36,083 --> 00:05:37,208
It's been fine.
114
00:05:37,208 --> 00:05:38,833
That's because anyone
who dates you
115
00:05:38,833 --> 00:05:40,708
is even more embarrassing
than Mom and Dad.
116
00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:43,000
- Oh!
- [strums]
117
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:44,583
Oh.
118
00:05:46,708 --> 00:05:49,500
Wait for me,
will ya? [grunts]
119
00:05:49,500 --> 00:05:51,583
I can't believe you talked me
into this again.
120
00:05:51,583 --> 00:05:54,250
Oh, it's going to be the best
Civil War reenactment ever.
121
00:05:54,250 --> 00:05:55,583
- [scoffs]
- This year,
122
00:05:55,583 --> 00:05:58,166
I get to be the first
casualty of the battle.
123
00:05:58,166 --> 00:06:01,208
I get to lay around all day
eating trail mix.
124
00:06:02,833 --> 00:06:06,125
Jerry, putting one peanut
in a bag of chocolates
125
00:06:06,125 --> 00:06:07,708
doesn't make a trail mix.
126
00:06:13,291 --> 00:06:16,166
OK, we need to be the same age
as Mom and Dad.
127
00:06:16,166 --> 00:06:19,166
Ah-ha! Perfect!
Middle age spell.
128
00:06:19,166 --> 00:06:21,500
But Mama says she's years
away from middle age.
129
00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:23,875
She also says people mistake
her for your sister.
130
00:06:23,875 --> 00:06:25,583
Her words mean nothing.
131
00:06:26,458 --> 00:06:28,166
All right, well,
let's do it.
132
00:06:28,166 --> 00:06:30,208
[sighing]
133
00:06:30,208 --> 00:06:34,291
Make us old and barely alive,
age us up to 35.
134
00:06:37,458 --> 00:06:40,458
Wow. Nice spare tire.
135
00:06:40,458 --> 00:06:42,583
Nice frosting job
to hide the grays.
136
00:06:42,583 --> 00:06:44,708
Well, I am clever.
137
00:06:47,416 --> 00:06:49,458
Whoa, nice gut,
Justin.
138
00:06:49,458 --> 00:06:52,166
Looks like I dodged
a bullet with you.
139
00:06:52,166 --> 00:06:53,416
[guffaws]
140
00:06:53,416 --> 00:06:55,625
Just more to love.
141
00:06:56,958 --> 00:06:59,083
Look. Check out
my bingo wings.
142
00:06:59,083 --> 00:07:02,583
- Bingo!
- Ew.
143
00:07:02,583 --> 00:07:05,083
All right, look, I decided
to help you guys out
144
00:07:05,083 --> 00:07:06,958
by pretending to be
an old family friend.
145
00:07:06,958 --> 00:07:09,458
I'm not good at lying, so I
wrote myself some cue cards.
146
00:07:09,458 --> 00:07:10,875
Name a topic.
147
00:07:10,875 --> 00:07:13,000
- Horses.
- Ah.
148
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:16,708
Weather... bagels... animals.
149
00:07:16,708 --> 00:07:18,250
Come on animals.
150
00:07:18,250 --> 00:07:19,708
I got nothing.
151
00:07:22,416 --> 00:07:24,166
They're coming.
Check it out.
152
00:07:24,166 --> 00:07:25,583
I'm hunched over
like an old man,
153
00:07:25,583 --> 00:07:27,416
- because of my big gut.
- [Alex chuckles]
154
00:07:27,416 --> 00:07:30,125
Hey, wait. Check out this
laugh that turns into a cough.
155
00:07:30,125 --> 00:07:32,500
[laughs, coughs]
156
00:07:33,583 --> 00:07:34,875
Are you OK?
157
00:07:34,875 --> 00:07:36,875
- [mouths] I'm good.
- Oh.
158
00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:39,458
[whistling]
159
00:07:39,458 --> 00:07:42,208
- Oh, honey,
we have company.
- Ah!
160
00:07:42,208 --> 00:07:44,166
- Hey.
- Hello, son.
161
00:07:44,166 --> 00:07:48,083
- I love you, Daddy.
- Who am I?
162
00:07:48,083 --> 00:07:50,291
- He's my daddy.
- Yeah.
163
00:07:52,083 --> 00:07:54,708
You must be Nancy.
Pleasure to meet you.
164
00:07:54,708 --> 00:07:56,875
- I'm Mr. Sawyer. You...
- Aye.
165
00:07:56,875 --> 00:07:58,583
This is my wife over here,
Diane.
166
00:07:58,583 --> 00:08:01,500
Ah, Diane Sawyer,
nice to meet you.
167
00:08:02,958 --> 00:08:04,708
I'm a lot older than I look.
168
00:08:04,708 --> 00:08:06,875
If you happen to say something
funny, you'll see.
169
00:08:06,875 --> 00:08:08,708
[chuckles]
It's nice to meet you.
170
00:08:08,708 --> 00:08:12,458
- [laughs, coughs]
- Oh, sweetie. Oh, no.
171
00:08:12,458 --> 00:08:15,083
Hello. You guys aren't talking
about horses, are you?
172
00:08:15,083 --> 00:08:16,875
Well...
173
00:08:16,875 --> 00:08:19,000
Didn't I meet you
in school the other day?
174
00:08:23,958 --> 00:08:27,416
You did meet her in school
the other day because she's
our daughter's friend.
175
00:08:27,416 --> 00:08:30,625
Our daughter's only friend,
just to clarify.
176
00:08:30,625 --> 00:08:32,083
[laughs]
177
00:08:32,083 --> 00:08:35,291
You know, you definitely chose
the right son, Nancy,
178
00:08:35,291 --> 00:08:37,958
because our other son is so
uptight and boring...
179
00:08:37,958 --> 00:08:40,458
And his sister doesn't stick
to plans and takes cheap shots.
180
00:08:40,458 --> 00:08:42,875
We are here trying to talk
in front of these people...
181
00:08:42,875 --> 00:08:47,625
[shushes] But, we are here to
talk about our son, Tom Sawyer.
182
00:08:47,625 --> 00:08:50,333
Just the other day, Nancy,
let me tell you,
183
00:08:50,333 --> 00:08:52,291
he whitewashed
the entire picket fence.
184
00:08:52,291 --> 00:08:53,708
- Isn't that right, honey?
- Yes, he did.
185
00:08:53,708 --> 00:08:55,000
- Yes, he did.
- That he did.
186
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:57,000
- What does "whitewash" mean?
- I don't know.
187
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:58,750
It was never mentioned
in the song.
188
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:03,875
It took me hours to get
dressed up like this,
189
00:09:03,875 --> 00:09:05,958
and in 20 minutes
you get us kicked out.
190
00:09:05,958 --> 00:09:08,875
I'm sorry, the flyer said
no flash photography
191
00:09:08,875 --> 00:09:11,708
or tube socks. Nobody said
that I couldn't dip fries
192
00:09:11,708 --> 00:09:13,958
in my ketchup blood
when I was dead.
193
00:09:13,958 --> 00:09:17,000
Wait!
What's going on here?
194
00:09:18,625 --> 00:09:21,000
Hi, I'm Nancy Lueke.
Tom's girlfriend.
195
00:09:22,208 --> 00:09:24,208
OK, Nancy, these are
my parents' friends.
196
00:09:24,208 --> 00:09:26,708
We probably don't want to stick
around this old people party
197
00:09:26,708 --> 00:09:28,708
'cause they're probably
going to do something old,
198
00:09:28,708 --> 00:09:30,958
like, you know,
call on an old telephone.
199
00:09:30,958 --> 00:09:32,833
[imitating a rotary phone]
200
00:09:32,833 --> 00:09:34,250
Let's go.
Come on, this way.
201
00:09:34,250 --> 00:09:36,000
- This way.
- Wait a minute.
202
00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:38,375
Why is that girl
calling Max "Tom",
203
00:09:38,375 --> 00:09:43,166
while you two look like
you did some spell to look 35?
204
00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:45,708
We did a middle-age spell.
205
00:09:45,708 --> 00:09:48,625
[both] Thirty-five
is not middle-aged!
206
00:09:50,375 --> 00:09:52,000
What's going on here?
207
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,583
[sighs]
208
00:09:53,583 --> 00:09:57,250
OK, Mom. I'm not
gonna lie to you.
209
00:09:57,250 --> 00:09:59,291
Um...
210
00:09:59,291 --> 00:10:02,583
Justin and I are on our way
to an old people reenactment.
211
00:10:02,583 --> 00:10:04,000
And I'm pretty
excited about it
212
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:05,875
because Justin gets
to have a heart attack.
213
00:10:05,875 --> 00:10:08,083
[Justin] That is not the truth.
214
00:10:08,083 --> 00:10:11,083
OK, this is the gonna hurt
you guys but,
215
00:10:11,083 --> 00:10:13,291
we're pretending to be
you because Max thought
216
00:10:13,291 --> 00:10:16,083
that you would embarrass him
in front of his new girlfriend.
217
00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:18,083
- Us?
- Us?
218
00:10:19,375 --> 00:10:21,250
I was just being myself.
219
00:10:21,250 --> 00:10:23,583
For example, if you asked me
about something random,
220
00:10:23,583 --> 00:10:25,333
like, I don't know, horses,
221
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:26,958
I would say something
along the lines of:
222
00:10:26,958 --> 00:10:30,833
Did you know a horse's head
weighs 11.84 pounds,
223
00:10:30,833 --> 00:10:33,458
but his heart only weighs ten?
224
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:35,208
Yeah.
225
00:10:37,416 --> 00:10:39,833
I'm not good at this.
226
00:10:44,875 --> 00:10:49,375
Max, is it true?
Are you embarrassed by us?
227
00:10:49,375 --> 00:10:52,250
But we're the young,
cool parents.
228
00:10:52,250 --> 00:10:54,500
I mean, who else would
dress like this?
229
00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:56,458
Kids love the Civil War.
230
00:10:57,708 --> 00:11:01,333
Um, look, Mom, Dad,
I didn't do this
231
00:11:01,333 --> 00:11:03,000
'cause I was embarrassed
by you guys.
232
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:07,125
- You didn't?
- No, I...
233
00:11:07,125 --> 00:11:09,166
I did this because
I didn't want Nancy to know
234
00:11:09,166 --> 00:11:10,875
I'm Justin's and Alex's brother.
235
00:11:10,875 --> 00:11:12,583
[laughs] Oh!
236
00:11:14,166 --> 00:11:15,750
What?!
237
00:11:15,750 --> 00:11:19,250
Everywhere I go, people expect
me to be as devious as you are
238
00:11:19,250 --> 00:11:20,958
or as smart as you are.
239
00:11:20,958 --> 00:11:24,416
I just wanted somebody who
doesn't compare me to anybody.
240
00:11:24,416 --> 00:11:28,583
Because I have a feeling
I'll only be good when
I'm not compared to anybody.
241
00:11:30,416 --> 00:11:32,291
Aw, Maxie,
I understand.
242
00:11:32,291 --> 00:11:34,583
It's hard being
the youngest of three.
243
00:11:34,583 --> 00:11:37,875
I can't believe he's getting
all of your sympathy.
244
00:11:37,875 --> 00:11:39,458
He's the one
that was lying.
245
00:11:39,458 --> 00:11:41,875
I don't get your sympathy
when I lie.
246
00:11:41,875 --> 00:11:44,875
I'm no expert, but that's
probably why I keep doing it.
247
00:11:46,250 --> 00:11:48,875
Maxie, telling the truth
is the only way
248
00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:50,458
to have a real relationship.
249
00:11:50,458 --> 00:11:52,000
If you're gonna have
a girlfriend,
250
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:53,875
you have to show her
who you really are.
251
00:11:53,875 --> 00:11:57,125
If you come clean,
I think she'll like you more.
252
00:11:58,333 --> 00:12:01,166
All right.
All right, I'll do it.
253
00:12:01,166 --> 00:12:03,208
[scoffing]
254
00:12:03,208 --> 00:12:05,166
Yeah, good luck with that.
255
00:12:05,166 --> 00:12:07,166
The truth is only good
for two things:
256
00:12:07,166 --> 00:12:10,166
getting grounded and getting
someone else grounded.
257
00:12:10,166 --> 00:12:13,291
- Speaking of grounded...
- Um...
258
00:12:13,291 --> 00:12:15,500
You know if you weren't
gonna say anything, I was.
259
00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:17,250
- What are we gonna do with her?
- [scoffs]
260
00:12:17,250 --> 00:12:18,583
Hey?
261
00:12:18,583 --> 00:12:20,500
Mr. Sawyer, nice to meet you.
262
00:12:27,875 --> 00:12:31,333
Oh, man,
being old is hard.
263
00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:32,958
Let me tell you,
when I get old,
264
00:12:32,958 --> 00:12:36,166
I'm just gonna sit around
and read magazines.
265
00:12:36,166 --> 00:12:37,416
That's what you do anyway.
266
00:12:38,625 --> 00:12:41,000
I'm practicing for later.
267
00:12:44,458 --> 00:12:46,875
I did it.
I told Nancy the truth.
268
00:12:46,875 --> 00:12:48,708
We are very proud
of you, Max.
269
00:12:48,708 --> 00:12:51,333
Aw, isn't it easier telling
the truth, honey?
270
00:12:51,333 --> 00:12:52,416
It really is.
271
00:12:52,416 --> 00:12:55,083
I am so relieved
I told her I'm a wizard.
272
00:12:55,083 --> 00:12:57,375
- [sputters]
- [gasps]
273
00:12:57,375 --> 00:12:59,416
[all] You what?!
274
00:13:03,083 --> 00:13:06,875
Max, when I told you
to tell the truth to Nancy,
275
00:13:06,875 --> 00:13:09,083
I meant to tell her the
truth about being a Russo
276
00:13:09,083 --> 00:13:10,458
not about being a wizard!
277
00:13:10,458 --> 00:13:13,333
You wanted me to tell the truth
but not the whole truth?
278
00:13:13,333 --> 00:13:17,000
This truth thing is confusing,
Mom, to tell you the truth.
279
00:13:18,708 --> 00:13:21,000
Yeah, I mean, you tell the
truth, you get in trouble.
280
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:22,625
You lie, you get in trouble.
281
00:13:22,625 --> 00:13:25,250
We're probably just better off
not talking to each other.
282
00:13:25,250 --> 00:13:27,958
What did Nancy say
when you told her?
283
00:13:27,958 --> 00:13:29,500
She didn't really believe me.
284
00:13:29,500 --> 00:13:30,708
- Ah.
- Phew.
285
00:13:30,708 --> 00:13:32,166
- Thank goodness.
- Whew.
286
00:13:32,166 --> 00:13:34,291
Max, you really need
to work on how
287
00:13:34,291 --> 00:13:36,250
you give out information
when you tell a story.
288
00:13:36,250 --> 00:13:38,208
I mean, if I had a ketchup
bottle in my hand
289
00:13:38,208 --> 00:13:40,375
when you said you told her,
I would've squeezed it
290
00:13:40,375 --> 00:13:43,166
and ketchup would've
been everywhere.
291
00:13:43,166 --> 00:13:44,500
[all laughing]
292
00:13:44,500 --> 00:13:46,458
Harper, please
hand me the ketchup?
293
00:13:46,458 --> 00:13:47,833
Oh.
294
00:13:47,833 --> 00:13:50,458
But then I took her on a magic
flying carpet ride
295
00:13:50,458 --> 00:13:51,875
and she totally
believed me.
296
00:13:51,875 --> 00:13:53,458
[yells]
297
00:13:55,291 --> 00:13:58,708
Man, it was so much fun,
we even got hit with bird poop.
298
00:13:58,708 --> 00:14:00,250
You did what?
299
00:14:00,250 --> 00:14:02,250
[speaks loudly]
We got hit with bird poop.
300
00:14:03,583 --> 00:14:05,416
Nancy Lueke
has seen magic!
301
00:14:05,416 --> 00:14:07,291
I'm gonna file
a wizard incident report.
302
00:14:07,291 --> 00:14:08,458
And if you don't fix this,
303
00:14:08,458 --> 00:14:10,458
I'm gonna sign it
and I'm gonna send it.
304
00:14:10,458 --> 00:14:12,583
We cannot be wizards exposed!
305
00:14:12,583 --> 00:14:18,000
Max, what if this
Nancy Lueke sells her story
to the magazines, huh?
306
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:19,958
We'll be hounded
by paparazzi.
307
00:14:19,958 --> 00:14:23,416
We won't be able to go anywhere
without somebody wanting
to take our picture.
308
00:14:23,416 --> 00:14:25,333
Wait a minute.
309
00:14:26,875 --> 00:14:28,458
You guys are worrying
way too much.
310
00:14:28,458 --> 00:14:29,958
Nancy promised she
wouldn't say anything.
311
00:14:29,958 --> 00:14:32,250
Trust me. She's dying
to tell someone.
312
00:14:32,250 --> 00:14:34,458
The only reason I haven't told
anyone is because I live here
313
00:14:34,458 --> 00:14:36,000
and I don't want
to get kicked out.
314
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,625
Well, there you go. We have
Nancy move in. Problem solved.
315
00:14:40,166 --> 00:14:43,583
[laughs] Nancy's parents
are not as cool as mine
316
00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:44,958
to let her live here.
317
00:14:44,958 --> 00:14:46,583
Don't say anything.
318
00:14:46,583 --> 00:14:48,458
The only reason
this situation makes sense
319
00:14:48,458 --> 00:14:51,625
is because I tell myself
my parents are cool.
320
00:14:51,625 --> 00:14:55,750
All right, all we have to do
is convince Nancy
321
00:14:55,750 --> 00:14:57,375
we're not wizards.
322
00:14:57,375 --> 00:15:00,375
I can't believe
I'm about to say this,
323
00:15:00,375 --> 00:15:03,958
but we need to come up with
a really big lie.
324
00:15:07,875 --> 00:15:09,166
Uh-uh.
Don't look at me.
325
00:15:09,166 --> 00:15:10,625
I'm starting
to think that lying
326
00:15:10,625 --> 00:15:12,416
isn't the best
thing in the world.
327
00:15:12,416 --> 00:15:16,250
Oh, you do not clean up your
act now, young lady.
328
00:15:16,250 --> 00:15:19,333
Harper, would you hand me
an eclair, please?
329
00:15:19,333 --> 00:15:21,208
Well, Nancy's gonna be
here in an hour
330
00:15:21,208 --> 00:15:22,875
for another magic
flying carpet ride.
331
00:15:22,875 --> 00:15:25,333
- Did I forget to mention that?
- An hour?!
332
00:15:27,333 --> 00:15:28,875
We're in the face
of an emergency
333
00:15:28,875 --> 00:15:31,208
and you're kicking back
reading a magazine?
334
00:15:31,208 --> 00:15:35,166
Flipping through a magazine
is how I come up with my lies.
335
00:15:38,375 --> 00:15:40,583
- I've got it.
- You do?
336
00:15:40,583 --> 00:15:42,875
I know how Jennifer
can get Brad back.
337
00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:44,250
[Justin] Wow.
338
00:15:44,250 --> 00:15:46,125
She has nothing.
339
00:15:47,125 --> 00:15:49,458
Justin, you got anything?
340
00:15:49,458 --> 00:15:51,458
I've got it. But I'm
gonna need a blender,
341
00:15:51,458 --> 00:15:53,250
a box spring and your
ten speed bike.
342
00:15:53,250 --> 00:15:56,166
OK, but I'm gonna need a half
an hour to make a smoothie,
343
00:15:56,166 --> 00:15:59,750
take a nap and...
find that bike.
344
00:16:06,625 --> 00:16:08,833
[drilling]
345
00:16:10,458 --> 00:16:13,125
Mom, what's Justin
doing back there?
346
00:16:13,125 --> 00:16:15,458
I really like this girl.
This is why I didn't want her
347
00:16:15,458 --> 00:16:17,083
to know I was related
to any of you.
348
00:16:17,083 --> 00:16:19,875
It's making sense
to all of us now, son.
349
00:16:21,333 --> 00:16:24,291
- I've got a plan.
- Oh, good,
350
00:16:24,291 --> 00:16:26,500
because Nancy Lueke's
gonna be here any minute
351
00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:29,125
and I don't know how
that chaos outside
is going to help us.
352
00:16:29,125 --> 00:16:32,708
There's only
one thing we should do.
353
00:16:32,708 --> 00:16:34,166
We have to stick
to the truth
354
00:16:34,166 --> 00:16:36,583
and accept the consequences
of our actions.
355
00:16:36,583 --> 00:16:37,875
[drilling continues]
356
00:16:37,875 --> 00:16:40,166
It is so sad
to see you this way.
357
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:41,875
[doorbell rings]
358
00:16:41,875 --> 00:16:43,500
She's here.
[gasps]
359
00:16:43,500 --> 00:16:45,583
Jerry,
what are we gonna do?
360
00:16:45,583 --> 00:16:49,083
I don't know. I'm still
a little groggy from my nap.
361
00:16:55,250 --> 00:16:56,958
[sighs]
362
00:16:59,458 --> 00:17:04,583
- Hey, wizard boyfriend.
- Hi, Nancy,
come here for a minute.
363
00:17:04,583 --> 00:17:07,625
Look, I know you came for your
magic flying carpet ride,
364
00:17:07,625 --> 00:17:10,000
but there's something
I gotta tell you.
365
00:17:11,583 --> 00:17:16,708
- I'm really not a wizard.
- Of course you're a wizard.
366
00:17:16,708 --> 00:17:18,625
You told me how your
brother and sister
367
00:17:18,625 --> 00:17:20,875
used magic to make
themselves look old.
368
00:17:20,875 --> 00:17:24,875
And how you have a wizard lair,
there's a wizard world
and a wizard competition.
369
00:17:24,875 --> 00:17:27,958
Is there anything
you didn't tell her?
370
00:17:27,958 --> 00:17:30,125
Yeah, I didn't tell her
about the dragon dog,
371
00:17:30,125 --> 00:17:33,333
'cause I still have no idea
what happened to that.
372
00:17:33,333 --> 00:17:38,000
Nancy Lueke, come on out.
Everything's all set.
373
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:39,500
Just right through here.
374
00:17:41,750 --> 00:17:43,500
- OK.
- Look!
375
00:17:43,500 --> 00:17:46,000
It's the magic flying carpet
Max took me on...
376
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,750
- Mm-hmm.
- ...attached to
a bunch of garbage.
377
00:17:48,750 --> 00:17:51,458
This is very exciting, yes,
it is a carpet, all right.
378
00:17:51,458 --> 00:17:52,875
But it's not magical, no.
379
00:17:52,875 --> 00:17:58,208
It moves because it has a motor
and gears and springs.
380
00:17:58,208 --> 00:18:02,708
- We're not a family of wizards.
- [all laugh] No.
381
00:18:02,708 --> 00:18:06,750
We are a passionate,
amateur special effects
enthusiasts family.
382
00:18:06,750 --> 00:18:09,125
Yes. Yes, that is what we are.
383
00:18:09,125 --> 00:18:12,000
We are ama...
special, what?
384
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:14,208
I always thought this family
would be brought down
385
00:18:14,208 --> 00:18:16,208
by some strange creature
from another dimension,
386
00:18:16,208 --> 00:18:18,250
not by a little girl
from...
387
00:18:18,250 --> 00:18:20,250
- Where are you from, sweetie?
- Riverdale.
388
00:18:20,250 --> 00:18:21,625
There you go.
Rich kid.
389
00:18:21,625 --> 00:18:22,708
Hmm.
390
00:18:22,708 --> 00:18:25,458
OK, hop on our non-magic
flying carpet.
391
00:18:25,458 --> 00:18:27,000
Very non-magical.
392
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:31,125
Right here. OK, you guys ready
for quote unquote "take-off?"
393
00:18:31,125 --> 00:18:32,250
As they would say.
394
00:18:32,250 --> 00:18:34,708
- [clicks]
- [whirring]
395
00:18:36,208 --> 00:18:37,583
- [clattering]
- [ticking]
396
00:18:40,458 --> 00:18:41,875
Mom, Dad, the screen.
397
00:18:44,583 --> 00:18:48,458
[clears throat] Were you flying
over New York City, like this?
398
00:18:48,458 --> 00:18:51,291
[mooing]
399
00:18:53,458 --> 00:18:55,208
Nice try but I know
the difference
400
00:18:55,208 --> 00:18:57,583
between bulls and New York.
401
00:18:57,583 --> 00:19:01,750
Wrong button. Like I said,
amateur special effects
enthusiasts.
402
00:19:03,875 --> 00:19:06,708
[Max] Whoa! It looks like
we're flying.
403
00:19:06,708 --> 00:19:08,375
OK, I'll give you that.
404
00:19:08,375 --> 00:19:11,125
But I'm not stupid. It was
windy when we were flying.
405
00:19:11,125 --> 00:19:14,291
Yes, it was windy.
Perhaps like this?
406
00:19:14,291 --> 00:19:15,291
[clicks]
407
00:19:15,291 --> 00:19:17,416
[whirring]
408
00:19:17,416 --> 00:19:20,250
Yes, yes,
that's the wind.
409
00:19:20,250 --> 00:19:22,000
But we got hit
by bird poop.
410
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:24,125
I don't see
any bird poop here.
411
00:19:24,125 --> 00:19:26,625
Bird poop. Bird poop.
I forgot the bird poop.
412
00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:30,375
[mouths] Catch.
413
00:19:31,750 --> 00:19:34,166
Jerry, don't eat it.
Squeeze it.
414
00:19:34,166 --> 00:19:35,375
[mouths] Oh.
415
00:19:39,708 --> 00:19:44,250
Oh, my gosh! This is like
the ride you took me on.
416
00:19:45,458 --> 00:19:47,583
This tastes
nothing like bird poop.
417
00:19:52,333 --> 00:19:53,708
[whirring]
418
00:19:57,458 --> 00:20:00,750
You really are
passionate amateur
special effects enthusiasts.
419
00:20:00,750 --> 00:20:02,291
Yes! [snaps]
That's what we are.
420
00:20:02,291 --> 00:20:03,875
Special... that.
421
00:20:05,583 --> 00:20:08,250
I've never met a family where
everyone had the same hobby.
422
00:20:08,250 --> 00:20:10,875
That's because
we are very close.
423
00:20:10,875 --> 00:20:13,000
- A close knit family.
- Uh-huh.
424
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:15,458
I mean, come on, let's just
hug it out. Come on, hug it out.
425
00:20:21,083 --> 00:20:22,750
- Mm-mm.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow.
426
00:20:24,166 --> 00:20:26,625
Is this really
the way you guys hug?
427
00:20:26,625 --> 00:20:29,250
You are a sad, sad bunch.
428
00:20:30,875 --> 00:20:34,000
- Who's got my wallet?
- Sorry.
429
00:20:36,375 --> 00:20:38,875
All right, so Nancy,
now that we've got this whole
carpet thing cleared up,
430
00:20:38,875 --> 00:20:41,000
what do you say we go play cards
in the wizards' lair?
431
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,708
We don't have
a wizards' lair, no.
432
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:48,583
I'm breaking up
with you, Max.
433
00:20:48,583 --> 00:20:50,708
What? Why?
434
00:20:50,708 --> 00:20:53,208
You keep lying
to get me to like you.
435
00:20:53,208 --> 00:20:56,208
The only way I can get the
truth is from your family.
436
00:20:57,708 --> 00:20:59,875
Truth?
From my family?
437
00:21:02,166 --> 00:21:05,166
And I'm keeping
the dead lizard.
438
00:21:05,166 --> 00:21:06,875
It deserves
better than you.
439
00:21:11,291 --> 00:21:14,708
I'm sorry, Max.
Phew, that was a close one.
440
00:21:14,708 --> 00:21:17,291
I was starting to think that
telling the truth was better.
441
00:21:17,291 --> 00:21:19,708
But then Justin's lie
fixed everything. [laughs]
442
00:21:19,708 --> 00:21:24,083
Oh, come on, let's just face it.
We're a family full of liars
443
00:21:24,083 --> 00:21:26,458
who don't know how to hug.
I love you guys.
444
00:21:26,458 --> 00:21:28,333
Good night.
Harper, come on. [snaps]
445
00:21:28,333 --> 00:21:30,375
Fine.
446
00:21:30,375 --> 00:21:33,000
No, Justin didn't
fix everything.
447
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:36,291
It's 'cause of lying, I lost the
most important thing in my life.
448
00:21:36,291 --> 00:21:40,500
Oh, Max, I know it's hard
to lose your first girlfriend,
honey.
449
00:21:40,500 --> 00:21:43,000
- I'm so sorry.
- What, Nancy?
450
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:45,250
No, I'm talking about
my lizard, Mom.
451
00:21:46,583 --> 00:21:48,875
I'm gonna miss that
crumbly little guy.
452
00:21:48,875 --> 00:21:50,708
Was gonna sprinkle him
on my salad.
453
00:21:55,291 --> 00:21:57,166
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
454
00:21:57,166 --> 00:21:58,875
Hello, Broadway.
455
00:21:58,875 --> 00:22:01,458
Yo, Brooklyn,
how you doin', heh?
456
00:22:01,458 --> 00:22:05,166
Washington Heights...
[speaks in Spanish]
457
00:22:06,875 --> 00:22:08,833
I'm a wizard!
458
00:22:08,833 --> 00:22:11,458
I'm flying all by myself!
459
00:22:11,458 --> 00:22:12,958
[screams]
460
00:22:12,958 --> 00:22:16,958
Oh! Well, look who wants
to be a wizard now.
461
00:22:18,208 --> 00:22:19,583
Go to bed, Mom.
462
00:22:19,583 --> 00:22:22,458
Oh, Alex, I don't want
to be a wizard, please.
463
00:22:22,458 --> 00:22:25,208
I was just cleaning the rug.
33295
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