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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,375 --> 00:00:08,708 Good morning, Alex. 2 00:00:08,708 --> 00:00:10,291 [grunts] What's so good about it? 3 00:00:10,291 --> 00:00:13,083 This morning, my mom made me butterfly-shaped waffles. 4 00:00:13,083 --> 00:00:16,958 I mean, it's the crack of dawn, stop being adorable. 5 00:00:16,958 --> 00:00:20,125 I made those. Your mom is right. 6 00:00:20,125 --> 00:00:21,875 We should just give you dry toast. 7 00:00:23,708 --> 00:00:26,583 Is Max talking to a girl? 8 00:00:26,583 --> 00:00:30,500 I say three seconds before she yells "gross" and runs away. 9 00:00:31,708 --> 00:00:33,750 [giggles] 10 00:00:33,750 --> 00:00:36,458 She's not running away. 11 00:00:37,958 --> 00:00:40,708 Let's see if we can't figure out what's wrong with her. 12 00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:42,583 I know it's here someplace. 13 00:00:42,583 --> 00:00:45,000 This morning, I took it from my bag of dead things. 14 00:00:46,625 --> 00:00:48,208 Give me a second. 15 00:00:48,208 --> 00:00:51,291 Here it is! All right, my lizard. 16 00:00:51,291 --> 00:00:55,291 Well, most of him. His tail turned to crumbs in my pocket. 17 00:00:56,458 --> 00:00:58,166 Oh, wait, is this cookie crumbs? 18 00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:01,125 [smacks] 19 00:01:02,458 --> 00:01:03,708 No, that's lizard. 20 00:01:06,375 --> 00:01:09,208 - Here you go. - Aww. 21 00:01:09,208 --> 00:01:12,458 You know what they say, "If you love something let it go, 22 00:01:12,458 --> 00:01:14,750 if it doesn't come back it was never yours in the first place." 23 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:18,958 But, Tom, it's dead. 24 00:01:21,875 --> 00:01:23,750 Max? Hey! 25 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:30,166 Did you just give this girl your most prized possession? 26 00:01:30,166 --> 00:01:32,333 You let her have your dead lizard? 27 00:01:32,333 --> 00:01:33,458 But you got all worked up 28 00:01:33,458 --> 00:01:36,708 when I wanted to turn it into a barrette. 29 00:01:36,708 --> 00:01:40,875 - Tom, who are these people? - I have no idea, Nancy. 30 00:01:40,875 --> 00:01:45,250 And for your information, total strangers, 31 00:01:45,250 --> 00:01:46,833 we're going to some place in the school 32 00:01:46,833 --> 00:01:48,875 where we actually know people. [laughs] 33 00:01:48,875 --> 00:01:51,708 [laughs] Tom, you're so funny. 34 00:01:51,708 --> 00:01:55,000 [guffaws] I know, right? Isn't Tom a riot? 35 00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:57,458 Look, Nancy, it's been a pleasure meeting both of you, 36 00:01:57,458 --> 00:02:00,083 but, um, I need to talk to my new friend Tom alone. 37 00:02:00,083 --> 00:02:02,500 OK. I'm going to wood shop to make a shadow box 38 00:02:02,500 --> 00:02:04,500 - to display my dead lizard. - OK. 39 00:02:06,833 --> 00:02:09,958 Aw, that's how it all started with me. 40 00:02:09,958 --> 00:02:12,208 Shadow boxes are a gateway craft. 41 00:02:13,750 --> 00:02:15,708 Guess what, Tom? 42 00:02:15,708 --> 00:02:18,250 You've been caught in some kind of lie and I, 43 00:02:18,250 --> 00:02:20,958 being the Queen of All Lies, need to know what it is. 44 00:02:20,958 --> 00:02:23,250 Well... 45 00:02:23,250 --> 00:02:25,583 [sighs] Nancy has been my girlfriend for a while. 46 00:02:25,583 --> 00:02:27,833 - [gasps] Oh, my gosh, you have a girlfriend! - [squealing] 47 00:02:27,833 --> 00:02:29,083 Max, you have a girlfriend. 48 00:02:29,083 --> 00:02:31,125 Wait, wait. OK. OK. OK, I'm sorry. 49 00:02:31,125 --> 00:02:32,458 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 50 00:02:32,458 --> 00:02:36,000 What's wrong with her? Booger eater? Bathroom snacker? 51 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:38,875 Snort laugher? What is it? 52 00:02:38,875 --> 00:02:42,083 All that. That's what makes her great. She's super gross. 53 00:02:42,083 --> 00:02:45,583 - Aww. - Aww, you're gonna be together forever. 54 00:02:45,583 --> 00:02:47,750 Do me a favor, though. Don't tell Mom and Dad. 55 00:02:47,750 --> 00:02:49,250 I'm afraid they're gonna do something 56 00:02:49,250 --> 00:02:51,000 really embarrassing and scare her away. 57 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:54,625 Max, I appreciate you wanting to lie about having our parents, 58 00:02:54,625 --> 00:02:56,875 but changing your first name isn't going to fool anyone. 59 00:02:56,875 --> 00:02:59,958 Oh, no, I know. But I changed my last name, too, to Sawyer. 60 00:02:59,958 --> 00:03:02,083 - [scoffs] - [laughs] 61 00:03:02,083 --> 00:03:04,083 - This kid. - Tom Sawyer? 62 00:03:04,083 --> 00:03:06,458 - Yeah. - That's such an obvious lie. 63 00:03:06,458 --> 00:03:09,458 It's the name from the Rush song. 64 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,458 And the classic book. 65 00:03:14,458 --> 00:03:18,458 Wow, that song was good, I didn't know they made a book out of it. 66 00:03:20,875 --> 00:03:23,125 ♪ Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪ 67 00:03:23,125 --> 00:03:25,083 ♪ That the end will no doubt justify the means ♪ 68 00:03:25,083 --> 00:03:27,375 ♪ You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease ♪ 69 00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:28,875 ♪ Yes, please ♪ 70 00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:30,708 ♪ But you might find out it'll go to your head ♪ 71 00:03:30,708 --> 00:03:32,583 ♪ When you write a report on a book you never read ♪ 72 00:03:32,583 --> 00:03:35,250 ♪ With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪ 73 00:03:35,250 --> 00:03:36,708 ♪ That's what I said ♪ 74 00:03:36,708 --> 00:03:39,833 ♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪ 75 00:03:39,833 --> 00:03:43,708 ♪ When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪ 76 00:03:43,708 --> 00:03:47,458 ♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪ 77 00:03:47,458 --> 00:03:51,500 ♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪ 78 00:03:51,500 --> 00:03:55,208 ♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪ 79 00:03:55,208 --> 00:03:59,583 ♪ When you can have what you want by the simplest of means ♪ 80 00:03:59,583 --> 00:04:02,875 ♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪ 81 00:04:02,875 --> 00:04:05,958 ♪ Because everything is not ♪ 82 00:04:07,208 --> 00:04:09,458 ♪ What it seems ♪♪ 83 00:04:17,708 --> 00:04:20,250 [strumming] 84 00:04:20,250 --> 00:04:23,708 Justin! Justin! Guess what? Guess what? 85 00:04:23,708 --> 00:04:25,708 - Max has a girlfriend. - [squealing] 86 00:04:25,708 --> 00:04:27,500 Girlfriend! It is so cute. 87 00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:29,708 The whole relationship is based on a lie. 88 00:04:29,708 --> 00:04:32,166 [laughs] I've taught him so well. 89 00:04:33,708 --> 00:04:35,708 What are you talking about? 90 00:04:35,708 --> 00:04:38,583 Max told his new girlfriend, Nancy, that his name was Tom Sawyer 91 00:04:38,583 --> 00:04:40,500 so that he wouldn't be embarrassed by your folks. 92 00:04:40,500 --> 00:04:43,458 Maybe he should have gone with a name a little less obvious, 93 00:04:43,458 --> 00:04:44,708 like Scooby-Doo. 94 00:04:46,458 --> 00:04:48,875 This lie could easily unravel. 95 00:04:48,875 --> 00:04:52,583 Alex, huge problem. My lie is falling apart. 96 00:04:52,583 --> 00:04:54,833 [strums] 97 00:04:57,375 --> 00:04:59,500 - [mouths] Sorry. - Wait, what? 98 00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,958 Yeah, Nancy wants to come over to meet Mom and Dad now. 99 00:05:01,958 --> 00:05:03,708 [strums] 100 00:05:05,875 --> 00:05:08,125 OK, not a problem. Not a problem. 101 00:05:08,125 --> 00:05:09,583 This is, um... 102 00:05:09,583 --> 00:05:11,458 This is the exciting part of lying. 103 00:05:11,458 --> 00:05:13,458 It's when we get to use our imagination 104 00:05:13,458 --> 00:05:15,750 to make the lie even more spectacular. 105 00:05:15,750 --> 00:05:18,833 I know. I just wish there was a way Nancy could meet Mom and Dad 106 00:05:18,833 --> 00:05:21,500 without actually meeting Mom and Dad. 107 00:05:21,500 --> 00:05:23,125 Oh, OK. 108 00:05:23,125 --> 00:05:26,333 Justin and I can use a spell to make each other look ancient. 109 00:05:26,333 --> 00:05:28,208 You know, like how Mom and Dad look. 110 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:31,583 Why should I do that? 111 00:05:31,583 --> 00:05:34,083 Because your parents are a little embarrassing. 112 00:05:34,083 --> 00:05:36,083 All my girlfriends have met my parents. 113 00:05:36,083 --> 00:05:37,208 It's been fine. 114 00:05:37,208 --> 00:05:38,833 That's because anyone who dates you 115 00:05:38,833 --> 00:05:40,708 is even more embarrassing than Mom and Dad. 116 00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:43,000 - Oh! - [strums] 117 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:44,583 Oh. 118 00:05:46,708 --> 00:05:49,500 Wait for me, will ya? [grunts] 119 00:05:49,500 --> 00:05:51,583 I can't believe you talked me into this again. 120 00:05:51,583 --> 00:05:54,250 Oh, it's going to be the best Civil War reenactment ever. 121 00:05:54,250 --> 00:05:55,583 - [scoffs] - This year, 122 00:05:55,583 --> 00:05:58,166 I get to be the first casualty of the battle. 123 00:05:58,166 --> 00:06:01,208 I get to lay around all day eating trail mix. 124 00:06:02,833 --> 00:06:06,125 Jerry, putting one peanut in a bag of chocolates 125 00:06:06,125 --> 00:06:07,708 doesn't make a trail mix. 126 00:06:13,291 --> 00:06:16,166 OK, we need to be the same age as Mom and Dad. 127 00:06:16,166 --> 00:06:19,166 Ah-ha! Perfect! Middle age spell. 128 00:06:19,166 --> 00:06:21,500 But Mama says she's years away from middle age. 129 00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:23,875 She also says people mistake her for your sister. 130 00:06:23,875 --> 00:06:25,583 Her words mean nothing. 131 00:06:26,458 --> 00:06:28,166 All right, well, let's do it. 132 00:06:28,166 --> 00:06:30,208 [sighing] 133 00:06:30,208 --> 00:06:34,291 Make us old and barely alive, age us up to 35. 134 00:06:37,458 --> 00:06:40,458 Wow. Nice spare tire. 135 00:06:40,458 --> 00:06:42,583 Nice frosting job to hide the grays. 136 00:06:42,583 --> 00:06:44,708 Well, I am clever. 137 00:06:47,416 --> 00:06:49,458 Whoa, nice gut, Justin. 138 00:06:49,458 --> 00:06:52,166 Looks like I dodged a bullet with you. 139 00:06:52,166 --> 00:06:53,416 [guffaws] 140 00:06:53,416 --> 00:06:55,625 Just more to love. 141 00:06:56,958 --> 00:06:59,083 Look. Check out my bingo wings. 142 00:06:59,083 --> 00:07:02,583 - Bingo! - Ew. 143 00:07:02,583 --> 00:07:05,083 All right, look, I decided to help you guys out 144 00:07:05,083 --> 00:07:06,958 by pretending to be an old family friend. 145 00:07:06,958 --> 00:07:09,458 I'm not good at lying, so I wrote myself some cue cards. 146 00:07:09,458 --> 00:07:10,875 Name a topic. 147 00:07:10,875 --> 00:07:13,000 - Horses. - Ah. 148 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:16,708 Weather... bagels... animals. 149 00:07:16,708 --> 00:07:18,250 Come on animals. 150 00:07:18,250 --> 00:07:19,708 I got nothing. 151 00:07:22,416 --> 00:07:24,166 They're coming. Check it out. 152 00:07:24,166 --> 00:07:25,583 I'm hunched over like an old man, 153 00:07:25,583 --> 00:07:27,416 - because of my big gut. - [Alex chuckles] 154 00:07:27,416 --> 00:07:30,125 Hey, wait. Check out this laugh that turns into a cough. 155 00:07:30,125 --> 00:07:32,500 [laughs, coughs] 156 00:07:33,583 --> 00:07:34,875 Are you OK? 157 00:07:34,875 --> 00:07:36,875 - [mouths] I'm good. - Oh. 158 00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:39,458 [whistling] 159 00:07:39,458 --> 00:07:42,208 - Oh, honey, we have company. - Ah! 160 00:07:42,208 --> 00:07:44,166 - Hey. - Hello, son. 161 00:07:44,166 --> 00:07:48,083 - I love you, Daddy. - Who am I? 162 00:07:48,083 --> 00:07:50,291 - He's my daddy. - Yeah. 163 00:07:52,083 --> 00:07:54,708 You must be Nancy. Pleasure to meet you. 164 00:07:54,708 --> 00:07:56,875 - I'm Mr. Sawyer. You... - Aye. 165 00:07:56,875 --> 00:07:58,583 This is my wife over here, Diane. 166 00:07:58,583 --> 00:08:01,500 Ah, Diane Sawyer, nice to meet you. 167 00:08:02,958 --> 00:08:04,708 I'm a lot older than I look. 168 00:08:04,708 --> 00:08:06,875 If you happen to say something funny, you'll see. 169 00:08:06,875 --> 00:08:08,708 [chuckles] It's nice to meet you. 170 00:08:08,708 --> 00:08:12,458 - [laughs, coughs] - Oh, sweetie. Oh, no. 171 00:08:12,458 --> 00:08:15,083 Hello. You guys aren't talking about horses, are you? 172 00:08:15,083 --> 00:08:16,875 Well... 173 00:08:16,875 --> 00:08:19,000 Didn't I meet you in school the other day? 174 00:08:23,958 --> 00:08:27,416 You did meet her in school the other day because she's our daughter's friend. 175 00:08:27,416 --> 00:08:30,625 Our daughter's only friend, just to clarify. 176 00:08:30,625 --> 00:08:32,083 [laughs] 177 00:08:32,083 --> 00:08:35,291 You know, you definitely chose the right son, Nancy, 178 00:08:35,291 --> 00:08:37,958 because our other son is so uptight and boring... 179 00:08:37,958 --> 00:08:40,458 And his sister doesn't stick to plans and takes cheap shots. 180 00:08:40,458 --> 00:08:42,875 We are here trying to talk in front of these people... 181 00:08:42,875 --> 00:08:47,625 [shushes] But, we are here to talk about our son, Tom Sawyer. 182 00:08:47,625 --> 00:08:50,333 Just the other day, Nancy, let me tell you, 183 00:08:50,333 --> 00:08:52,291 he whitewashed the entire picket fence. 184 00:08:52,291 --> 00:08:53,708 - Isn't that right, honey? - Yes, he did. 185 00:08:53,708 --> 00:08:55,000 - Yes, he did. - That he did. 186 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:57,000 - What does "whitewash" mean? - I don't know. 187 00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:58,750 It was never mentioned in the song. 188 00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:03,875 It took me hours to get dressed up like this, 189 00:09:03,875 --> 00:09:05,958 and in 20 minutes you get us kicked out. 190 00:09:05,958 --> 00:09:08,875 I'm sorry, the flyer said no flash photography 191 00:09:08,875 --> 00:09:11,708 or tube socks. Nobody said that I couldn't dip fries 192 00:09:11,708 --> 00:09:13,958 in my ketchup blood when I was dead. 193 00:09:13,958 --> 00:09:17,000 Wait! What's going on here? 194 00:09:18,625 --> 00:09:21,000 Hi, I'm Nancy Lueke. Tom's girlfriend. 195 00:09:22,208 --> 00:09:24,208 OK, Nancy, these are my parents' friends. 196 00:09:24,208 --> 00:09:26,708 We probably don't want to stick around this old people party 197 00:09:26,708 --> 00:09:28,708 'cause they're probably going to do something old, 198 00:09:28,708 --> 00:09:30,958 like, you know, call on an old telephone. 199 00:09:30,958 --> 00:09:32,833 [imitating a rotary phone] 200 00:09:32,833 --> 00:09:34,250 Let's go. Come on, this way. 201 00:09:34,250 --> 00:09:36,000 - This way. - Wait a minute. 202 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:38,375 Why is that girl calling Max "Tom", 203 00:09:38,375 --> 00:09:43,166 while you two look like you did some spell to look 35? 204 00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:45,708 We did a middle-age spell. 205 00:09:45,708 --> 00:09:48,625 [both] Thirty-five is not middle-aged! 206 00:09:50,375 --> 00:09:52,000 What's going on here? 207 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,583 [sighs] 208 00:09:53,583 --> 00:09:57,250 OK, Mom. I'm not gonna lie to you. 209 00:09:57,250 --> 00:09:59,291 Um... 210 00:09:59,291 --> 00:10:02,583 Justin and I are on our way to an old people reenactment. 211 00:10:02,583 --> 00:10:04,000 And I'm pretty excited about it 212 00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:05,875 because Justin gets to have a heart attack. 213 00:10:05,875 --> 00:10:08,083 [Justin] That is not the truth. 214 00:10:08,083 --> 00:10:11,083 OK, this is the gonna hurt you guys but, 215 00:10:11,083 --> 00:10:13,291 we're pretending to be you because Max thought 216 00:10:13,291 --> 00:10:16,083 that you would embarrass him in front of his new girlfriend. 217 00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:18,083 - Us? - Us? 218 00:10:19,375 --> 00:10:21,250 I was just being myself. 219 00:10:21,250 --> 00:10:23,583 For example, if you asked me about something random, 220 00:10:23,583 --> 00:10:25,333 like, I don't know, horses, 221 00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:26,958 I would say something along the lines of: 222 00:10:26,958 --> 00:10:30,833 Did you know a horse's head weighs 11.84 pounds, 223 00:10:30,833 --> 00:10:33,458 but his heart only weighs ten? 224 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:35,208 Yeah. 225 00:10:37,416 --> 00:10:39,833 I'm not good at this. 226 00:10:44,875 --> 00:10:49,375 Max, is it true? Are you embarrassed by us? 227 00:10:49,375 --> 00:10:52,250 But we're the young, cool parents. 228 00:10:52,250 --> 00:10:54,500 I mean, who else would dress like this? 229 00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:56,458 Kids love the Civil War. 230 00:10:57,708 --> 00:11:01,333 Um, look, Mom, Dad, I didn't do this 231 00:11:01,333 --> 00:11:03,000 'cause I was embarrassed by you guys. 232 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:07,125 - You didn't? - No, I... 233 00:11:07,125 --> 00:11:09,166 I did this because I didn't want Nancy to know 234 00:11:09,166 --> 00:11:10,875 I'm Justin's and Alex's brother. 235 00:11:10,875 --> 00:11:12,583 [laughs] Oh! 236 00:11:14,166 --> 00:11:15,750 What?! 237 00:11:15,750 --> 00:11:19,250 Everywhere I go, people expect me to be as devious as you are 238 00:11:19,250 --> 00:11:20,958 or as smart as you are. 239 00:11:20,958 --> 00:11:24,416 I just wanted somebody who doesn't compare me to anybody. 240 00:11:24,416 --> 00:11:28,583 Because I have a feeling I'll only be good when I'm not compared to anybody. 241 00:11:30,416 --> 00:11:32,291 Aw, Maxie, I understand. 242 00:11:32,291 --> 00:11:34,583 It's hard being the youngest of three. 243 00:11:34,583 --> 00:11:37,875 I can't believe he's getting all of your sympathy. 244 00:11:37,875 --> 00:11:39,458 He's the one that was lying. 245 00:11:39,458 --> 00:11:41,875 I don't get your sympathy when I lie. 246 00:11:41,875 --> 00:11:44,875 I'm no expert, but that's probably why I keep doing it. 247 00:11:46,250 --> 00:11:48,875 Maxie, telling the truth is the only way 248 00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:50,458 to have a real relationship. 249 00:11:50,458 --> 00:11:52,000 If you're gonna have a girlfriend, 250 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:53,875 you have to show her who you really are. 251 00:11:53,875 --> 00:11:57,125 If you come clean, I think she'll like you more. 252 00:11:58,333 --> 00:12:01,166 All right. All right, I'll do it. 253 00:12:01,166 --> 00:12:03,208 [scoffing] 254 00:12:03,208 --> 00:12:05,166 Yeah, good luck with that. 255 00:12:05,166 --> 00:12:07,166 The truth is only good for two things: 256 00:12:07,166 --> 00:12:10,166 getting grounded and getting someone else grounded. 257 00:12:10,166 --> 00:12:13,291 - Speaking of grounded... - Um... 258 00:12:13,291 --> 00:12:15,500 You know if you weren't gonna say anything, I was. 259 00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:17,250 - What are we gonna do with her? - [scoffs] 260 00:12:17,250 --> 00:12:18,583 Hey? 261 00:12:18,583 --> 00:12:20,500 Mr. Sawyer, nice to meet you. 262 00:12:27,875 --> 00:12:31,333 Oh, man, being old is hard. 263 00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:32,958 Let me tell you, when I get old, 264 00:12:32,958 --> 00:12:36,166 I'm just gonna sit around and read magazines. 265 00:12:36,166 --> 00:12:37,416 That's what you do anyway. 266 00:12:38,625 --> 00:12:41,000 I'm practicing for later. 267 00:12:44,458 --> 00:12:46,875 I did it. I told Nancy the truth. 268 00:12:46,875 --> 00:12:48,708 We are very proud of you, Max. 269 00:12:48,708 --> 00:12:51,333 Aw, isn't it easier telling the truth, honey? 270 00:12:51,333 --> 00:12:52,416 It really is. 271 00:12:52,416 --> 00:12:55,083 I am so relieved I told her I'm a wizard. 272 00:12:55,083 --> 00:12:57,375 - [sputters] - [gasps] 273 00:12:57,375 --> 00:12:59,416 [all] You what?! 274 00:13:03,083 --> 00:13:06,875 Max, when I told you to tell the truth to Nancy, 275 00:13:06,875 --> 00:13:09,083 I meant to tell her the truth about being a Russo 276 00:13:09,083 --> 00:13:10,458 not about being a wizard! 277 00:13:10,458 --> 00:13:13,333 You wanted me to tell the truth but not the whole truth? 278 00:13:13,333 --> 00:13:17,000 This truth thing is confusing, Mom, to tell you the truth. 279 00:13:18,708 --> 00:13:21,000 Yeah, I mean, you tell the truth, you get in trouble. 280 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:22,625 You lie, you get in trouble. 281 00:13:22,625 --> 00:13:25,250 We're probably just better off not talking to each other. 282 00:13:25,250 --> 00:13:27,958 What did Nancy say when you told her? 283 00:13:27,958 --> 00:13:29,500 She didn't really believe me. 284 00:13:29,500 --> 00:13:30,708 - Ah. - Phew. 285 00:13:30,708 --> 00:13:32,166 - Thank goodness. - Whew. 286 00:13:32,166 --> 00:13:34,291 Max, you really need to work on how 287 00:13:34,291 --> 00:13:36,250 you give out information when you tell a story. 288 00:13:36,250 --> 00:13:38,208 I mean, if I had a ketchup bottle in my hand 289 00:13:38,208 --> 00:13:40,375 when you said you told her, I would've squeezed it 290 00:13:40,375 --> 00:13:43,166 and ketchup would've been everywhere. 291 00:13:43,166 --> 00:13:44,500 [all laughing] 292 00:13:44,500 --> 00:13:46,458 Harper, please hand me the ketchup? 293 00:13:46,458 --> 00:13:47,833 Oh. 294 00:13:47,833 --> 00:13:50,458 But then I took her on a magic flying carpet ride 295 00:13:50,458 --> 00:13:51,875 and she totally believed me. 296 00:13:51,875 --> 00:13:53,458 [yells] 297 00:13:55,291 --> 00:13:58,708 Man, it was so much fun, we even got hit with bird poop. 298 00:13:58,708 --> 00:14:00,250 You did what? 299 00:14:00,250 --> 00:14:02,250 [speaks loudly] We got hit with bird poop. 300 00:14:03,583 --> 00:14:05,416 Nancy Lueke has seen magic! 301 00:14:05,416 --> 00:14:07,291 I'm gonna file a wizard incident report. 302 00:14:07,291 --> 00:14:08,458 And if you don't fix this, 303 00:14:08,458 --> 00:14:10,458 I'm gonna sign it and I'm gonna send it. 304 00:14:10,458 --> 00:14:12,583 We cannot be wizards exposed! 305 00:14:12,583 --> 00:14:18,000 Max, what if this Nancy Lueke sells her story to the magazines, huh? 306 00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:19,958 We'll be hounded by paparazzi. 307 00:14:19,958 --> 00:14:23,416 We won't be able to go anywhere without somebody wanting to take our picture. 308 00:14:23,416 --> 00:14:25,333 Wait a minute. 309 00:14:26,875 --> 00:14:28,458 You guys are worrying way too much. 310 00:14:28,458 --> 00:14:29,958 Nancy promised she wouldn't say anything. 311 00:14:29,958 --> 00:14:32,250 Trust me. She's dying to tell someone. 312 00:14:32,250 --> 00:14:34,458 The only reason I haven't told anyone is because I live here 313 00:14:34,458 --> 00:14:36,000 and I don't want to get kicked out. 314 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,625 Well, there you go. We have Nancy move in. Problem solved. 315 00:14:40,166 --> 00:14:43,583 [laughs] Nancy's parents are not as cool as mine 316 00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:44,958 to let her live here. 317 00:14:44,958 --> 00:14:46,583 Don't say anything. 318 00:14:46,583 --> 00:14:48,458 The only reason this situation makes sense 319 00:14:48,458 --> 00:14:51,625 is because I tell myself my parents are cool. 320 00:14:51,625 --> 00:14:55,750 All right, all we have to do is convince Nancy 321 00:14:55,750 --> 00:14:57,375 we're not wizards. 322 00:14:57,375 --> 00:15:00,375 I can't believe I'm about to say this, 323 00:15:00,375 --> 00:15:03,958 but we need to come up with a really big lie. 324 00:15:07,875 --> 00:15:09,166 Uh-uh. Don't look at me. 325 00:15:09,166 --> 00:15:10,625 I'm starting to think that lying 326 00:15:10,625 --> 00:15:12,416 isn't the best thing in the world. 327 00:15:12,416 --> 00:15:16,250 Oh, you do not clean up your act now, young lady. 328 00:15:16,250 --> 00:15:19,333 Harper, would you hand me an eclair, please? 329 00:15:19,333 --> 00:15:21,208 Well, Nancy's gonna be here in an hour 330 00:15:21,208 --> 00:15:22,875 for another magic flying carpet ride. 331 00:15:22,875 --> 00:15:25,333 - Did I forget to mention that? - An hour?! 332 00:15:27,333 --> 00:15:28,875 We're in the face of an emergency 333 00:15:28,875 --> 00:15:31,208 and you're kicking back reading a magazine? 334 00:15:31,208 --> 00:15:35,166 Flipping through a magazine is how I come up with my lies. 335 00:15:38,375 --> 00:15:40,583 - I've got it. - You do? 336 00:15:40,583 --> 00:15:42,875 I know how Jennifer can get Brad back. 337 00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:44,250 [Justin] Wow. 338 00:15:44,250 --> 00:15:46,125 She has nothing. 339 00:15:47,125 --> 00:15:49,458 Justin, you got anything? 340 00:15:49,458 --> 00:15:51,458 I've got it. But I'm gonna need a blender, 341 00:15:51,458 --> 00:15:53,250 a box spring and your ten speed bike. 342 00:15:53,250 --> 00:15:56,166 OK, but I'm gonna need a half an hour to make a smoothie, 343 00:15:56,166 --> 00:15:59,750 take a nap and... find that bike. 344 00:16:06,625 --> 00:16:08,833 [drilling] 345 00:16:10,458 --> 00:16:13,125 Mom, what's Justin doing back there? 346 00:16:13,125 --> 00:16:15,458 I really like this girl. This is why I didn't want her 347 00:16:15,458 --> 00:16:17,083 to know I was related to any of you. 348 00:16:17,083 --> 00:16:19,875 It's making sense to all of us now, son. 349 00:16:21,333 --> 00:16:24,291 - I've got a plan. - Oh, good, 350 00:16:24,291 --> 00:16:26,500 because Nancy Lueke's gonna be here any minute 351 00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:29,125 and I don't know how that chaos outside is going to help us. 352 00:16:29,125 --> 00:16:32,708 There's only one thing we should do. 353 00:16:32,708 --> 00:16:34,166 We have to stick to the truth 354 00:16:34,166 --> 00:16:36,583 and accept the consequences of our actions. 355 00:16:36,583 --> 00:16:37,875 [drilling continues] 356 00:16:37,875 --> 00:16:40,166 It is so sad to see you this way. 357 00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:41,875 [doorbell rings] 358 00:16:41,875 --> 00:16:43,500 She's here. [gasps] 359 00:16:43,500 --> 00:16:45,583 Jerry, what are we gonna do? 360 00:16:45,583 --> 00:16:49,083 I don't know. I'm still a little groggy from my nap. 361 00:16:55,250 --> 00:16:56,958 [sighs] 362 00:16:59,458 --> 00:17:04,583 - Hey, wizard boyfriend. - Hi, Nancy, come here for a minute. 363 00:17:04,583 --> 00:17:07,625 Look, I know you came for your magic flying carpet ride, 364 00:17:07,625 --> 00:17:10,000 but there's something I gotta tell you. 365 00:17:11,583 --> 00:17:16,708 - I'm really not a wizard. - Of course you're a wizard. 366 00:17:16,708 --> 00:17:18,625 You told me how your brother and sister 367 00:17:18,625 --> 00:17:20,875 used magic to make themselves look old. 368 00:17:20,875 --> 00:17:24,875 And how you have a wizard lair, there's a wizard world and a wizard competition. 369 00:17:24,875 --> 00:17:27,958 Is there anything you didn't tell her? 370 00:17:27,958 --> 00:17:30,125 Yeah, I didn't tell her about the dragon dog, 371 00:17:30,125 --> 00:17:33,333 'cause I still have no idea what happened to that. 372 00:17:33,333 --> 00:17:38,000 Nancy Lueke, come on out. Everything's all set. 373 00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:39,500 Just right through here. 374 00:17:41,750 --> 00:17:43,500 - OK. - Look! 375 00:17:43,500 --> 00:17:46,000 It's the magic flying carpet Max took me on... 376 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,750 - Mm-hmm. - ...attached to a bunch of garbage. 377 00:17:48,750 --> 00:17:51,458 This is very exciting, yes, it is a carpet, all right. 378 00:17:51,458 --> 00:17:52,875 But it's not magical, no. 379 00:17:52,875 --> 00:17:58,208 It moves because it has a motor and gears and springs. 380 00:17:58,208 --> 00:18:02,708 - We're not a family of wizards. - [all laugh] No. 381 00:18:02,708 --> 00:18:06,750 We are a passionate, amateur special effects enthusiasts family. 382 00:18:06,750 --> 00:18:09,125 Yes. Yes, that is what we are. 383 00:18:09,125 --> 00:18:12,000 We are ama... special, what? 384 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:14,208 I always thought this family would be brought down 385 00:18:14,208 --> 00:18:16,208 by some strange creature from another dimension, 386 00:18:16,208 --> 00:18:18,250 not by a little girl from... 387 00:18:18,250 --> 00:18:20,250 - Where are you from, sweetie? - Riverdale. 388 00:18:20,250 --> 00:18:21,625 There you go. Rich kid. 389 00:18:21,625 --> 00:18:22,708 Hmm. 390 00:18:22,708 --> 00:18:25,458 OK, hop on our non-magic flying carpet. 391 00:18:25,458 --> 00:18:27,000 Very non-magical. 392 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:31,125 Right here. OK, you guys ready for quote unquote "take-off?" 393 00:18:31,125 --> 00:18:32,250 As they would say. 394 00:18:32,250 --> 00:18:34,708 - [clicks] - [whirring] 395 00:18:36,208 --> 00:18:37,583 - [clattering] - [ticking] 396 00:18:40,458 --> 00:18:41,875 Mom, Dad, the screen. 397 00:18:44,583 --> 00:18:48,458 [clears throat] Were you flying over New York City, like this? 398 00:18:48,458 --> 00:18:51,291 [mooing] 399 00:18:53,458 --> 00:18:55,208 Nice try but I know the difference 400 00:18:55,208 --> 00:18:57,583 between bulls and New York. 401 00:18:57,583 --> 00:19:01,750 Wrong button. Like I said, amateur special effects enthusiasts. 402 00:19:03,875 --> 00:19:06,708 [Max] Whoa! It looks like we're flying. 403 00:19:06,708 --> 00:19:08,375 OK, I'll give you that. 404 00:19:08,375 --> 00:19:11,125 But I'm not stupid. It was windy when we were flying. 405 00:19:11,125 --> 00:19:14,291 Yes, it was windy. Perhaps like this? 406 00:19:14,291 --> 00:19:15,291 [clicks] 407 00:19:15,291 --> 00:19:17,416 [whirring] 408 00:19:17,416 --> 00:19:20,250 Yes, yes, that's the wind. 409 00:19:20,250 --> 00:19:22,000 But we got hit by bird poop. 410 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:24,125 I don't see any bird poop here. 411 00:19:24,125 --> 00:19:26,625 Bird poop. Bird poop. I forgot the bird poop. 412 00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:30,375 [mouths] Catch. 413 00:19:31,750 --> 00:19:34,166 Jerry, don't eat it. Squeeze it. 414 00:19:34,166 --> 00:19:35,375 [mouths] Oh. 415 00:19:39,708 --> 00:19:44,250 Oh, my gosh! This is like the ride you took me on. 416 00:19:45,458 --> 00:19:47,583 This tastes nothing like bird poop. 417 00:19:52,333 --> 00:19:53,708 [whirring] 418 00:19:57,458 --> 00:20:00,750 You really are passionate amateur special effects enthusiasts. 419 00:20:00,750 --> 00:20:02,291 Yes! [snaps] That's what we are. 420 00:20:02,291 --> 00:20:03,875 Special... that. 421 00:20:05,583 --> 00:20:08,250 I've never met a family where everyone had the same hobby. 422 00:20:08,250 --> 00:20:10,875 That's because we are very close. 423 00:20:10,875 --> 00:20:13,000 - A close knit family. - Uh-huh. 424 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:15,458 I mean, come on, let's just hug it out. Come on, hug it out. 425 00:20:21,083 --> 00:20:22,750 - Mm-mm. - Ow, ow, ow, ow. 426 00:20:24,166 --> 00:20:26,625 Is this really the way you guys hug? 427 00:20:26,625 --> 00:20:29,250 You are a sad, sad bunch. 428 00:20:30,875 --> 00:20:34,000 - Who's got my wallet? - Sorry. 429 00:20:36,375 --> 00:20:38,875 All right, so Nancy, now that we've got this whole carpet thing cleared up, 430 00:20:38,875 --> 00:20:41,000 what do you say we go play cards in the wizards' lair? 431 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,708 We don't have a wizards' lair, no. 432 00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:48,583 I'm breaking up with you, Max. 433 00:20:48,583 --> 00:20:50,708 What? Why? 434 00:20:50,708 --> 00:20:53,208 You keep lying to get me to like you. 435 00:20:53,208 --> 00:20:56,208 The only way I can get the truth is from your family. 436 00:20:57,708 --> 00:20:59,875 Truth? From my family? 437 00:21:02,166 --> 00:21:05,166 And I'm keeping the dead lizard. 438 00:21:05,166 --> 00:21:06,875 It deserves better than you. 439 00:21:11,291 --> 00:21:14,708 I'm sorry, Max. Phew, that was a close one. 440 00:21:14,708 --> 00:21:17,291 I was starting to think that telling the truth was better. 441 00:21:17,291 --> 00:21:19,708 But then Justin's lie fixed everything. [laughs] 442 00:21:19,708 --> 00:21:24,083 Oh, come on, let's just face it. We're a family full of liars 443 00:21:24,083 --> 00:21:26,458 who don't know how to hug. I love you guys. 444 00:21:26,458 --> 00:21:28,333 Good night. Harper, come on. [snaps] 445 00:21:28,333 --> 00:21:30,375 Fine. 446 00:21:30,375 --> 00:21:33,000 No, Justin didn't fix everything. 447 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:36,291 It's 'cause of lying, I lost the most important thing in my life. 448 00:21:36,291 --> 00:21:40,500 Oh, Max, I know it's hard to lose your first girlfriend, honey. 449 00:21:40,500 --> 00:21:43,000 - I'm so sorry. - What, Nancy? 450 00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:45,250 No, I'm talking about my lizard, Mom. 451 00:21:46,583 --> 00:21:48,875 I'm gonna miss that crumbly little guy. 452 00:21:48,875 --> 00:21:50,708 Was gonna sprinkle him on my salad. 453 00:21:55,291 --> 00:21:57,166 Whoo-hoo-hoo! 454 00:21:57,166 --> 00:21:58,875 Hello, Broadway. 455 00:21:58,875 --> 00:22:01,458 Yo, Brooklyn, how you doin', heh? 456 00:22:01,458 --> 00:22:05,166 Washington Heights... [speaks in Spanish] 457 00:22:06,875 --> 00:22:08,833 I'm a wizard! 458 00:22:08,833 --> 00:22:11,458 I'm flying all by myself! 459 00:22:11,458 --> 00:22:12,958 [screams] 460 00:22:12,958 --> 00:22:16,958 Oh! Well, look who wants to be a wizard now. 461 00:22:18,208 --> 00:22:19,583 Go to bed, Mom. 462 00:22:19,583 --> 00:22:22,458 Oh, Alex, I don't want to be a wizard, please. 463 00:22:22,458 --> 00:22:25,208 I was just cleaning the rug. 33295

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