Original subtitles

Good morning, Alex.

[grunts] What's so good about it?

This morning, my mom made me butterfly-shaped waffles.

I mean, it's the crack of dawn, stop being adorable.

I made those. Your mom is right.

We should just give you dry toast.

Is Max talking to a girl?

I say three seconds before she yells "gross" and runs away.

[giggles]

She's not running away.

Let's see if we can't figure out what's wrong with her.

I know it's here someplace.

This morning, I took it from my bag of dead things.

Give me a second.

Here it is! All right, my lizard.

Well, most of him. His tail turned to crumbs in my pocket.

Oh, wait, is this cookie crumbs?

[smacks]

No, that's lizard.

- Here you go. - Aww.

You know what they say, "If you love something let it go,

if it doesn't come back it was never yours in the first place."

But, Tom, it's dead.

Max? Hey!

Did you just give this girl your most prized possession?

You let her have your dead lizard?

But you got all worked up

when I wanted to turn it into a barrette.

- Tom, who are these people? - I have no idea, Nancy.

And for your information, total strangers,

we're going to some place in the school

where we actually know people. [laughs]

[laughs] Tom, you're so funny.

[guffaws] I know, right? Isn't Tom a riot?

Look, Nancy, it's been a pleasure meeting both of you,

but, um, I need to talk to my new friend Tom alone.

OK. I'm going to wood shop to make a shadow box

- to display my dead lizard. - OK.

Aw, that's how it all started with me.

Shadow boxes are a gateway craft.

Guess what, Tom?

You've been caught in some kind of lie and I,

being the Queen of All Lies, need to know what it is.

Well...

[sighs] Nancy has been my girlfriend for a while.

- [gasps] Oh, my gosh, you have a girlfriend! - [squealing]

Max, you have a girlfriend.

Wait, wait. OK. OK. OK, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What's wrong with her? Booger eater? Bathroom snacker?

Snort laugher? What is it?

All that. That's what makes her great. She's super gross.

- Aww. - Aww, you're gonna be together forever.

Do me a favor, though. Don't tell Mom and Dad.

I'm afraid they're gonna do something

really embarrassing and scare her away.

Max, I appreciate you wanting to lie about having our parents,

but changing your first name isn't going to fool anyone.

Oh, no, I know. But I changed my last name, too, to Sawyer.

- [scoffs] - [laughs]

- This kid. - Tom Sawyer?

- Yeah. - That's such an obvious lie.

It's the name from the Rush song.

And the classic book.

Wow, that song was good, I didn't know they made a book out of it.

♪ Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ That the end will no doubt justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ But you might find out it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you want by the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not ♪

♪ What it seems ♪♪

[strumming]

Justin! Justin! Guess what? Guess what?

- Max has a girlfriend. - [squealing]

Girlfriend! It is so cute.

The whole relationship is based on a lie.

[laughs] I've taught him so well.

What are you talking about?

Max told his new girlfriend, Nancy, that his name was Tom Sawyer

so that he wouldn't be embarrassed by your folks.

Maybe he should have gone with a name a little less obvious,

like Scooby-Doo.

This lie could easily unravel.

Alex, huge problem. My lie is falling apart.

[strums]

- [mouths] Sorry. - Wait, what?

Yeah, Nancy wants to come over to meet Mom and Dad now.

[strums]

OK, not a problem. Not a problem.

This is, um...

This is the exciting part of lying.

It's when we get to use our imagination

to make the lie even more spectacular.

I know. I just wish there was a way Nancy could meet Mom and Dad

without actually meeting Mom and Dad.

Oh, OK.

Justin and I can use a spell to make each other look ancient.

You know, like how Mom and Dad look.

Why should I do that?

Because your parents are a little embarrassing.

All my girlfriends have met my parents.

It's been fine.

That's because anyone who dates you

is even more embarrassing than Mom and Dad.

- Oh! - [strums]

Oh.

Wait for me, will ya? [grunts]

I can't believe you talked me into this again.

Oh, it's going to be the best Civil War reenactment ever.

- [scoffs] - This year,

I get to be the first casualty of the battle.

I get to lay around all day eating trail mix.

Jerry, putting one peanut in a bag of chocolates

doesn't make a trail mix.

OK, we need to be the same age as Mom and Dad.

Ah-ha! Perfect! Middle age spell.

But Mama says she's years away from middle age.

She also says people mistake her for your sister.

Her words mean nothing.

All right, well, let's do it.

[sighing]

Make us old and barely alive, age us up to 35.

Wow. Nice spare tire.

Nice frosting job to hide the grays.

Well, I am clever.

Whoa, nice gut, Justin.

Looks like I dodged a bullet with you.

[guffaws]

Just more to love.

Look. Check out my bingo wings.

- Bingo! - Ew.

All right, look, I decided to help you guys out

by pretending to be an old family friend.

I'm not good at lying, so I wrote myself some cue cards.

Name a topic.

- Horses. - Ah.

Weather... bagels... animals.

Come on animals.

I got nothing.

They're coming. Check it out.

I'm hunched over like an old man,

- because of my big gut. - [Alex chuckles]

Hey, wait. Check out this laugh that turns into a cough.

[laughs, coughs]

Are you OK?

- [mouths] I'm good. - Oh.

[whistling]

- Oh, honey, we have company. - Ah!

- Hey. - Hello, son.

- I love you, Daddy. - Who am I?

- He's my daddy. - Yeah.

You must be Nancy. Pleasure to meet you.

- I'm Mr. Sawyer. You... - Aye.

This is my wife over here, Diane.

Ah, Diane Sawyer, nice to meet you.

I'm a lot older than I look.

If you happen to say something funny, you'll see.

[chuckles] It's nice to meet you.

- [laughs, coughs] - Oh, sweetie. Oh, no.

Hello. You guys aren't talking about horses, are you?

Well...

Didn't I meet you in school the other day?

You did meet her in school the other day because she's our daughter's friend.

Our daughter's only friend, just to clarify.

[laughs]

You know, you definitely chose the right son, Nancy,

because our other son is so uptight and boring...

And his sister doesn't stick to plans and takes cheap shots.

We are here trying to talk in front of these people...

[shushes] But, we are here to talk about our son, Tom Sawyer.

Just the other day, Nancy, let me tell you,

he whitewashed the entire picket fence.

- Isn't that right, honey? - Yes, he did.

- Yes, he did. - That he did.

- What does "whitewash" mean? - I don't know.

It was never mentioned in the song.

It took me hours to get dressed up like this,

and in 20 minutes you get us kicked out.

I'm sorry, the flyer said no flash photography

or tube socks. Nobody said that I couldn't dip fries

in my ketchup blood when I was dead.

Wait! What's going on here?

Hi, I'm Nancy Lueke. Tom's girlfriend.

OK, Nancy, these are my parents' friends.

We probably don't want to stick around this old people party

'cause they're probably going to do something old,

like, you know, call on an old telephone.

[imitating a rotary phone]

Let's go. Come on, this way.

- This way. - Wait a minute.

Why is that girl calling Max "Tom",

while you two look like you did some spell to look 35?

We did a middle-age spell.

[both] Thirty-five is not middle-aged!

What's going on here?

[sighs]

OK, Mom. I'm not gonna lie to you.

Um...

Justin and I are on our way to an old people reenactment.

And I'm pretty excited about it

because Justin gets to have a heart attack.

[Justin] That is not the truth.

OK, this is the gonna hurt you guys but,

we're pretending to be you because Max thought

that you would embarrass him in front of his new girlfriend.

- Us? - Us?

I was just being myself.

For example, if you asked me about something random,

like, I don't know, horses,

I would say something along the lines of:

Did you know a horse's head weighs 11.84 pounds,

but his heart only weighs ten?

Yeah.

I'm not good at this.

Max, is it true? Are you embarrassed by us?

But we're the young, cool parents.

I mean, who else would dress like this?

Kids love the Civil War.

Um, look, Mom, Dad, I didn't do this

'cause I was embarrassed by you guys.

- You didn't? - No, I...

I did this because I didn't want Nancy to know

I'm Justin's and Alex's brother.

[laughs] Oh!

What?!

Everywhere I go, people expect me to be as devious as you are

or as smart as you are.

I just wanted somebody who doesn't compare me to anybody.

Because I have a feeling I'll only be good when I'm not compared to anybody.

Aw, Maxie, I understand.

It's hard being the youngest of three.

I can't believe he's getting all of your sympathy.

He's the one that was lying.

I don't get your sympathy when I lie.

I'm no expert, but that's probably why I keep doing it.

Maxie, telling the truth is the only way

to have a real relationship.

If you're gonna have a girlfriend,

you have to show her who you really are.

If you come clean, I think she'll like you more.

All right. All right, I'll do it.

[scoffing]

Yeah, good luck with that.

The truth is only good for two things:

getting grounded and getting someone else grounded.

- Speaking of grounded... - Um...

You know if you weren't gonna say anything, I was.

- What are we gonna do with her? - [scoffs]

Hey?

Mr. Sawyer, nice to meet you.

Oh, man, being old is hard.

Let me tell you, when I get old,

I'm just gonna sit around and read magazines.

That's what you do anyway.

I'm practicing for later.

I did it. I told Nancy the truth.

We are very proud of you, Max.

Aw, isn't it easier telling the truth, honey?

It really is.

I am so relieved I told her I'm a wizard.

- [sputters] - [gasps]

[all] You what?!

Max, when I told you to tell the truth to Nancy,

I meant to tell her the truth about being a Russo

not about being a wizard!

You wanted me to tell the truth but not the whole truth?

This truth thing is confusing, Mom, to tell you the truth.

Yeah, I mean, you tell the truth, you get in trouble.

You lie, you get in trouble.

We're probably just better off not talking to each other.

What did Nancy say when you told her?

She didn't really believe me.

- Ah. - Phew.

- Thank goodness. - Whew.

Max, you really need to work on how

you give out information when you tell a story.

I mean, if I had a ketchup bottle in my hand

when you said you told her, I would've squeezed it

and ketchup would've been everywhere.

[all laughing]

Harper, please hand me the ketchup?

Oh.

But then I took her on a magic flying carpet ride

and she totally believed me.

[yells]

Man, it was so much fun, we even got hit with bird poop.

You did what?

[speaks loudly] We got hit with bird poop.

Nancy Lueke has seen magic!

I'm gonna file a wizard incident report.

And if you don't fix this,

I'm gonna sign it and I'm gonna send it.

We cannot be wizards exposed!

Max, what if this Nancy Lueke sells her story to the magazines, huh?

We'll be hounded by paparazzi.

We won't be able to go anywhere without somebody wanting to take our picture.

Wait a minute.

You guys are worrying way too much.

Nancy promised she wouldn't say anything.

Trust me. She's dying to tell someone.

The only reason I haven't told anyone is because I live here

and I don't want to get kicked out.

Well, there you go. We have Nancy move in. Problem solved.

[laughs] Nancy's parents are not as cool as mine

to let her live here.

Don't say anything.

The only reason this situation makes sense

is because I tell myself my parents are cool.

All right, all we have to do is convince Nancy

we're not wizards.

I can't believe I'm about to say this,

but we need to come up with a really big lie.

Uh-uh. Don't look at me.

I'm starting to think that lying

isn't the best thing in the world.

Oh, you do not clean up your act now, young lady.

Harper, would you hand me an eclair, please?

Well, Nancy's gonna be here in an hour

for another magic flying carpet ride.

- Did I forget to mention that? - An hour?!

We're in the face of an emergency

and you're kicking back reading a magazine?

Flipping through a magazine is how I come up with my lies.

- I've got it. - You do?

I know how Jennifer can get Brad back.

[Justin] Wow.

She has nothing.

Justin, you got anything?

I've got it. But I'm gonna need a blender,

a box spring and your ten speed bike.

OK, but I'm gonna need a half an hour to make a smoothie,

take a nap and... find that bike.

[drilling]

Mom, what's Justin doing back there?

I really like this girl. This is why I didn't want her

to know I was related to any of you.

It's making sense to all of us now, son.

- I've got a plan. - Oh, good,

because Nancy Lueke's gonna be here any minute

and I don't know how that chaos outside is going to help us.

There's only one thing we should do.

We have to stick to the truth

and accept the consequences of our actions.

[drilling continues]

It is so sad to see you this way.

[doorbell rings]

She's here. [gasps]

Jerry, what are we gonna do?

I don't know. I'm still a little groggy from my nap.

[sighs]

- Hey, wizard boyfriend. - Hi, Nancy, come here for a minute.

Look, I know you came for your magic flying carpet ride,

but there's something I gotta tell you.

- I'm really not a wizard. - Of course you're a wizard.

You told me how your brother and sister

used magic to make themselves look old.

And how you have a wizard lair, there's a wizard world and a wizard competition.

Is there anything you didn't tell her?

Yeah, I didn't tell her about the dragon dog,

'cause I still have no idea what happened to that.

Nancy Lueke, come on out. Everything's all set.

Just right through here.

- OK. - Look!

It's the magic flying carpet Max took me on...

- Mm-hmm. - ...attached to a bunch of garbage.

This is very exciting, yes, it is a carpet, all right.

But it's not magical, no.

It moves because it has a motor and gears and springs.

- We're not a family of wizards. - [all laugh] No.

We are a passionate, amateur special effects enthusiasts family.

Yes. Yes, that is what we are.

We are ama... special, what?

I always thought this family would be brought down

by some strange creature from another dimension,

not by a little girl from...

- Where are you from, sweetie? - Riverdale.

There you go. Rich kid.

Hmm.

OK, hop on our non-magic flying carpet.

Very non-magical.

Right here. OK, you guys ready for quote unquote "take-off?"

As they would say.

- [clicks] - [whirring]

- [clattering] - [ticking]

Mom, Dad, the screen.

[clears throat] Were you flying over New York City, like this?

[mooing]

Nice try but I know the difference

between bulls and New York.

Wrong button. Like I said, amateur special effects enthusiasts.

[Max] Whoa! It looks like we're flying.

OK, I'll give you that.

But I'm not stupid. It was windy when we were flying.

Yes, it was windy. Perhaps like this?

[clicks]

[whirring]

Yes, yes, that's the wind.

But we got hit by bird poop.

I don't see any bird poop here.

Bird poop. Bird poop. I forgot the bird poop.

[mouths] Catch.

Jerry, don't eat it. Squeeze it.

[mouths] Oh.

Oh, my gosh! This is like the ride you took me on.

This tastes nothing like bird poop.

[whirring]

You really are passionate amateur special effects enthusiasts.

Yes! [snaps] That's what we are.

Special... that.

I've never met a family where everyone had the same hobby.

That's because we are very close.

- A close knit family. - Uh-huh.

I mean, come on, let's just hug it out. Come on, hug it out.

- Mm-mm. - Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Is this really the way you guys hug?

You are a sad, sad bunch.

- Who's got my wallet? - Sorry.

All right, so Nancy, now that we've got this whole carpet thing cleared up,

what do you say we go play cards in the wizards' lair?

We don't have a wizards' lair, no.

I'm breaking up with you, Max.

What? Why?

You keep lying to get me to like you.

The only way I can get the truth is from your family.

Truth? From my family?

And I'm keeping the dead lizard.

It deserves better than you.

I'm sorry, Max. Phew, that was a close one.

I was starting to think that telling the truth was better.

But then Justin's lie fixed everything. [laughs]

Oh, come on, let's just face it. We're a family full of liars

who don't know how to hug. I love you guys.

Good night. Harper, come on. [snaps]

Fine.

No, Justin didn't fix everything.

It's 'cause of lying, I lost the most important thing in my life.

Oh, Max, I know it's hard to lose your first girlfriend, honey.

- I'm so sorry. - What, Nancy?

No, I'm talking about my lizard, Mom.

I'm gonna miss that crumbly little guy.

Was gonna sprinkle him on my salad.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Hello, Broadway.

Yo, Brooklyn, how you doin', heh?

Washington Heights... [speaks in Spanish]

I'm a wizard!

I'm flying all by myself!

[screams]

Oh! Well, look who wants to be a wizard now.

Go to bed, Mom.

Oh, Alex, I don't want to be a wizard, please.

I was just cleaning the rug.