Original subtitles

Please welcome the "Lunchtime Shakespeare Players".

Beware the Ides of March.

A soothsayer bids you beware the Ides of March.

Harper, are you almost done?

- Your soup's getting cold. - Oh, thanks. And, scene.

[crowd boos]

No! It's OK, guys, I'll be back.

Just, a girl's gotta eat.

Harper, don't take this the wrong way,

but that was terrible.

Hmm... I took that the wrong way.

I mean, you don't even have the rest

of your "Lunchtime Shakespeare Players."

Yeah, that's 'cause they quit after you beaned them with croutons yesterday.

[laughs] Oh, yeah.

The only good thing Justin has done as Student Body President

is add croutons to the salad bar.

- Oh! That and the tiny tomatoes! - I like these.

They're so tiny they make me feel like a giant dinosaur when I eat them.

[both pretend to roar]

- [ring tone plays loud music] - What is that ring tone?

Oh, it's the band, Ughh.

Drink some water. You've got something stuck in your throat.

No, no, no. The name of the band is Ughh.

Wow, it's really stuck in there. Hands over your head.

Harper, Ughh is the name of the band.

- Ughh. - That's right.

- No, this soup is terrible. - Ughh is awesome.

They dress up like half Viking and half animal,

and throw chunks of guts into the crowd.

You know they're playing a free concert on Waverly Place.

It's gonna be off the chain.

No, seriously.

They're letting the singer off of his chain.

OK, I'll go.

It may be the only chance I have to wear my meat-catching hat.

She has a meat-catching hat?

It's to go with her potato-skin sweater.

You know what I'm thinking?

If Justin can organize this lame "Lunchtime Shakespeare,"

I bet he can get us lunchtime rock bands.

- That would be awesome. - Right?

And, hey, you got him elected as president, so he owes you one.

We should make him do it.

[clears throat] Hold it right there.

It's a salad bar, not a crouton bar.

What are you trying to do, make stuffing?

And get a haircut while you're at it.

- This is not a surf academy. - [mouths] What?

Justin, we need to talk to you

about something bigger than croutons.

Yeah, you need to get better lunchtime entertainment.

Harper with a mustache on a stick...

...isn't cutting it.

We want to have rock bands play at lunch.

And you should do it since...

...I got you elected.

[clears throat]

You know what? I will.

Because I am a man of the people.

[Harper] Beware! The Ides of March.

And being that man, I don't think I can put the people through this any longer. No.

♪ Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ That the end will no doubt justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ But you might find out it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you want by the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not ♪

♪ What it seems ♪♪

That's right, kids. Lunchtime concerts start today.

You know what I call them? "Eat to the Beat."

You know it's good, because it rhymes.

"Lunch While You Munch.

Chew While You Stew".

I got a whole list of them I could go into.

Oh, Alex. Excuse me.

I got the lunchtime concerts you asked for.

Who's the best president ever?

This guy. In the suit. Right here.

- Oh. OK. - Yes. Bands!

Mm-hmm. Yep, it's gonna be awesome.

Twenty-five minutes, every day, of smooth jazz.

Smooth jazz?! We asked for rock bands.

- Justin, maybe you don't understand how politics works. - [gasps]

I got you elected, you do what I say.

I'm sure it's in that giant book you're carrying.

What were you doing? This is not a high school musical.

And, for your information, this is a cookbook.

Alex told me people would take me more serious

if I wore a suit and carried around this bad boy.

- Alex told you that? - Mm-hmm.

You guys don't like each other,

but you still do what she says?

- It's a very complicated relationship. - [Harper] Justin,

how could you cut the Shakespeare Lunchtime Players for this?

Today was going to be all tragedies.

Yet how was I to know that the grandest tragedy of all

would be before I even stepped foot on the stage?

Yeah! You see, Justin?

Thou hast messed up royally.

Yeah, that's right. that's your Shakespeare junk.

Why didn't you tell me that you had no intentions of getting the bands we wanted?

- [slow jazz] - [Justin] You mean like The Burt Parks Trio?

Hey, I delivered on my promise of music.

But you see, music affects people's behaviors.

And I've reviewed studies that state smooth jazz

stimulates the brain and promotes a happy attitude.

- This is still an outrage. - [jazz continues]

This music is kinda calming.

If music be the food of love, I want seconds. Play on.

We need to do something about this music.

And then her.

- [metal music plays] - [crowd screaming]

If we get closer, maybe we can get hit with some guts.

Cool. I haven't been hit with guts since Dad said he could make his own hot dogs.

This music is so aggressive.

I kind of like it.

It sounds the way I feel inside.

Whoa! This is awesome.

This is who we should have playing at school... Ughh.

Yes! I caught guts! Whoo!

Dude, I'd love to see the look on Justin's face

if this band showed up instead of those jazz geezers.

That'd be awesome.

We've got to make that happen.

Now, if only we knew two girls

with devious enough minds

to come up with a scheme to get Ughh to play at our school.

Hmm... hmm.

- Hey, I think I see one. - And I see another one.

Thank you! That one was called:

You've Got Something on Your Face.

Play another song!

I need to feel alive!

- Whoo! - [screams]

Let's go talk to them.

I'd like to buy one of your CDs.

The loudest, angriest, most soul-wrenching one you have.

Oh, you want the Christmas album.

- Ha, ha, ha! - Ha, ha, ha!

Yeah! Wreck the Halls! Ahh!

Excuse me, Mr. Ughh.

We're doing a benefit at Tribeca Prep on Wednesday,

and were wondering if you could play.

A benefit? Pass.

Yeah, it took us a while, but we finally realized

"benefit" is another word for "free". So, no.

Guys, guys, hold on...

Alex, it's not a benefit.

- It's a gig. - A gig?

Oh, it's a gig?

- So we're gonna get paid? - Do you get paid for gigs?

- Yeah. - There you go.

Guys, did you hear that?! We're gonna make rent!

♪ Making the rent Making the rent ♪

Yeow!

Nice work. I love it when people think

they're gonna get paid and then don't.

Now we just have to get rid of The Burt Parks Bozos.

Oh, my gosh, we're this close

from having Justin crying at school.

And I don't mean from getting a "B."

- I don't understand. - [scoffs] Listen, Mr. Parks,

we no longer need you to play tomorrow.

A family of beavers ate our school,

- and we're busy rebuilding. - Beavers?

Yeah, the security at our school stinks.

[call waiting beeps]

Hang on, I got another call.

Hello?

Alex, it's Stevie. Did you call Burt Parks?

Yeah, I told him it was cancelled.

- So now it's your turn. - Great. Go get Justin.

OK. Justin, phone!

This is gonna be so great.

We're gonna get Ughh, and as a bonus

we might get to see Justin have an actual conniption.

It's awesome.

At first, it kinda looks like he's dancing,

and then it takes a bad turn,

and he just can't say anything but...

[gurgling]

Justin!

He's coming.

[clears throat]

Student Body President Russo speaking.

[affected voice] Hello. This is Mrs. Burt Parks,

manager of The Burt Parks Trio.

Oh, hey, Gayle. How's it going?

Gayle. Right.

Um... Listen...

Burt can't make it tomorrow. Oh!

He ruptured his uvula.

The thing hanging in the back of your throat?

Sounds good. Yeah.

Gayle... [clears throat]

...I don't think you can rupture a uvula.

[stammers]

I'm a manager not a doctor!

[groans] Coming!

Gayle, I...

[call waiting rings]

[clears throat] Hello?

Hello?

- Who's this? - This is Burt Parks.

Very funny. Burt Parks lost his voice.

I know Alex put you up to this.

I can't believe it. The Burt Parks Trio just cancelled on me.

Wh...?! [groans]

Oh, no. And I was just starting to like them.

They were all like:

♪ Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo ♪

Well, too bad. They're not gonna play.

I've got to find another smooth jazz band by tomorrow. "S"...

I... I know a smooth jazz band.

I saw them play at a local smooth jazz place.

Which one?

The... Smootherie.

Oh, cool. They opened that place back up.

There's a place called the Smootherie?

Yeah, you were there.

Yeah, no, I know, that's right. Yeah, I know.

'Cause I like smooth jazz now.

The band that was playing

sounded just like The Burt Parks Trio.

- Totally smooth. - Really? Who are they?

The... Smoother Brothers.

Oh, my gosh.

That's a totally smooth jazz band name. Do you think we can get them to play?

I think so. I'll call them later.

Do it now.

'Kay.

It'll be hard to say no to the Student Body President.

I wear suits and carry a big book.

Make sure you work that in.

Speakerphone!

[phone ringing]

- [Stevie] Hello? - Hi, hello, this is Alex Russo.

I'm calling for The Smoothers Brothers...

...the smooth jazz band.

I have Justin Russo, Student Body President on speakerphone.

I'm wearing a suit and carrying a big book.

[affected voice] Impressive.

So... what can the Smoothers Brothers

do for you?

Can you play at Tribeca Prep on Wednesday?

- [mouthing, no audio] - OK.

- There you go. I got your band. - Thanks. Oh!

I think telling them I had a big book really sealed the deal.

[bell rings]

Here. Throw this at my brother when you see him.

He's the one in the suit.

Hmm... Wow, you're the first one here.

You really like Ughh.

You know what I like more than Ughh?

Seeing my brother panic uncontrollably

and then suddenly getting a big old meat lump in his face.

Hey, I'm listening to your song:

Rudolph the Red Nosed Roadkill!

Whoa! Yeah!

Hey, why didn't you guys wait for me?

Well, last I saw,

you were heading into a wood-shop to bang a bunch of nails in a board.

Yeah, that's right!

I built three book shelves and then I busted them apart.

Ah!

Harper, Harper!

I think you need to lay off the Ughh for a while.

It's making you a little aggressive.

I'm sorry. The music, it just pumps me up and I love it!

Ah!

I'm gonna go to the lunch counter. Who wants meatballs?

I do. Rah!

We should probably get out of here.

It's not meatball day.

[both laughing]

[shouts]

Alex, you tricked me, didn't you?

This band isn't going to play smooth jazz.

Oh, no, no. Come on.

They are totally jazzy. You're going to love them.

Alex, no smooth jazz band brings an oil drum filled with soupy, chunky goo.

Listen up, there's a lot of kids here.

So, for this gig only,

we're not gonna light our hair on fire.

Alright, maybe they're not so smooth.

But you shouldn't have taken my idea and not gone through with it.

You should've gotten some rock bands.

Oh, so that's what this is about?

I was trying to use music to stimulate positive behavior in school.

Music is supposed to be raucous and loud,

- I'm pulling the plug. - No, you're not.

Yes, I am, because I'm the president.

Well, you might be president of the school,

but I'm president of getting things I want. And I want this.

Not everything's always about you, Alex.

Yes, it is. I'm the one who got you

to wear a suit and carry a cookbook around.

It was a joke and so are you.

Whoa, whoa, you guys.

You guys...

Alex, I thought this was just about getting a band.

No. Forget that. Now it's about him always messing me up.

- [feedback] - One, two, three, four!

[metal music plays]

[grunts]

[shouting]

I can't wait until I get you...

[unintelligible gibberish]

Take away all meat and add some snazz

Turn this noise into smooth jazz

[slow jazz music plays]

I saw you! You're a wizard!

- What? - [Harper] Oh!

I know that was a wand! I'm gonna go tell Alex.

Simplify your mind, leave that thought behind

I was going to say something,

but I don't remember what it was.

Maybe it was about the meatballs.

Oh. Yes.

Meatball dress with spaghetti straps. Thank you.

What's going on?

I don't know. I had a false conniption.

- These guys are good. - What?

No, they're not. This is not supposed to be happening.

You're supposed to be mad and conniptioning

and eventually crying.

And you're supposed to be..., [growling]

Well, I'm not doing it.

I don't know how this thing backfired on you, but I love it.

- Dance with me. - No! Gross.

Dance with The Smoothers.

You guys look hard, but rock soft.

You're like cafeteria Mexican food.

What happened to Ughh? Did they lame out overnight?

No. I went and asked them if they knew any smooth jazz.

What? Why would you do that?

Justin was in mid-connip.

He was about to start scratching his teeth.

Well, at first it was funny to mess with Justin,

but then I saw you guys fighting, and it seemed like it was going too far.

I mean, he is your brother.

Yeah, he's my brother. We fight all the time.

Sometimes I push it too far.

Sometimes he pushes it too far. That's how we show we care.

But, if you keep pushing each other like that,

the caring will go away.

[clicks teeth] No.

We'll always, like, kinda care.

Look... I have a brother

and we used to fight like that.

I didn't think about it too much, and then...

...one day we just stopped talking.

I don't even know where he is anymore.

I don't want to see that happen with you guys.

I guess I wouldn't want that either.

You know, there's more to you than I thought.

You're not just a mean girl.

Yep, there's a lot more to me than you thought.

You know, he is a dork,

but if he wasn't around, I would miss seeing stuff like that.

Oh! Meat lump!

[gasps]

[grunting]

[both screaming]

Wherefore art thou Romeo?

[groans] I'm down here my love.

Well... [scoffs] I've been waiting, like, an hour.

What's up with that?

Did you lose your hourglass in your other pants?

My dad said not to date a Montague and I was like...

[scoffs] ..."Lay off, old man," but, maybe, he was right.

Really? This is what you're like?

You're just another stuck-up rich chick from the Upper West Side.

[Harper groans]

Music.

Oh, Romeo. You have come.

[stammers] I might have just ruined it for everyone.