Original subtitles

Where's your Uncle Kelbo?

Your father and I are going to miss our train.

Just go on your trip.

What's the worst that could happen

if we're not chaperoned for four minutes?

Oh, I don't know. A magic black hole could open up

and suck the Sub Station down into it.

[scoffs] That doesn't happen twice, Mother.

But if it did, you wouldn't be mad

if I had an egg battle when you're gone, right?

OK, what I don't understand is how you think leaving us with Uncle Kelbo

is any better than leaving us alone.

Or with Max in charge.

I'm in charge? Egg battle on.

- OK, OK. - [phone beeps]

Kelbo's on his way. Let's get out of here.

We are going to have the most romantic

vacation slash restaurant supply convention ever!

Yeah, nothing says romance like a seminar on how to prevent mustard bottles

from making that farting sound.

Well, look at that.

Five seconds later, we're all still alive.

Now let me get back to my chores.

While you do nothing, as usual,

I'll be getting things ready for the shindig I'm hosting.

"Shindig?"

In a continuing effort to have the full senior year experience,

I'm going to dabble in a bit of rebellion by hosting a mixer

while Mom and Dad are out of town.

- A "mixer?" - Uh-huh.

Is that something less lame than calling it a "boy/girl party?"

As if you've ever been to one.

Hey...

...I've been to lots of boy/girl parties.

Oh, OK. Having Zeke over and me and Harper walk through

is not a boy/girl party.

Hello?

Excuse me, could you give me a hand?

- Shakira? - Yeah.

I'm on tour with the Harlem Globetrotters and our tour bus broke down.

And the only way to fix it is singing a duet with a fan. Are you a fan?

- Yeah, no, we're huge fans! - Really?

You came at a bad time, though, 'cause I'm crazy busy with an egg battle.

Well, I guess then it's up to you

because if I don't sing a duet, I'm never gonna get that bus fixed.

Random.

[♪ Shakira: Gypsy]

♪ Broke my heart down the road ♪

♪ Spent the weekend sewing the pieces back on ♪

♪ Crayons and dolls pass me by ♪

♪ Walking gets too boring ♪

♪ When you learn how to fly ♪

♪ Not the homecoming kind ♪

♪ Take the top off ♪

♪ And who knows what you might find ♪

♪ Won't confess all my sins ♪

♪ You can bet I'll try it ♪

♪ But you can't always win ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a gypsy ♪

♪ Are you coming with me? ♪

Oh, gosh!

- Uncle Kelbo? - Uncle Kelbo!

[Kelbo] Yes, it's me!

The responsible adult

while your parents are away on their romantic vacation.

Sister! Brother! Let's dance!

Well, that bus ain't gonna fix itself.

No, it ain't!

♪ Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ That the end will no doubt justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ But you might find out it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you want by the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not ♪

♪ What it seems ♪♪

The best thing about being International Pop Star Shakira

is that I get to live the double life of an international pop star

and the weird, freaky, weird life of myself.

That's right, I said "weird" twice, to emphasize "freaky."

But won't Shakira be upset

to find out you've been impersonating her?

You wanna hear a secret?

[laughs]

There is no Shakira!

I made her up years ago!

[laughs] Take that, world.

Wow, wait... So, Shakira's really you?

- Mm-hm. - Do you know how many boys have been kissing your poster?

One of them's your brother.

I do have a problem though because I keep on

transforming into Shakira at the oddest times.

Last week I was at Curved Lines, the wizard gym for men,

and, um, before I knew it, I was Shakira,

I had a lot of explaining to do in the sauna that day.

Let me guess, you panicked and flashed out.

- You really get me. - Yeah.

Look, if I get busted I'm in big trouble.

There's a strict law about using magic for fame and fortune.

It's one of the main 11 wizard rules.

Hold on, there are 11 wizard rules?

My dad said there was just one:

"What your mother doesn't know won't hurt her."

Alex, I so need your help.

I mean, who does a rule breaker turn to in a time of need?

Another rule breaker.

OK, I'm on it. All right.

Now, first things first. We cannot tell Justin.

He'll just report you to the Wizard Council.

Second things second, don't tell me, 'cause I'm probably gonna forget and tell Justin.

OK, we won't tell you.

Tell me what?

You're good.

Invites to my mixer. Right here. Mixer.

Huh? Huh? Huh? [groans]

It's gonna be great, there'll be people mingling and... and mixing,

there'll be a sparkling fruit beverage. [gasps]

That's just fancy talk for punch, Russo.

Are there gonna be chicks?

Are there gonna be chicks?

My friend, it's not called a "boy/girl party" for nothing.

"Boy/girl party?" What, are you nine?

What I meant was "bubble party."

MacGruder out.

Hate to burst your bubble... party.

Boop, boop, boop, boop, beep, beep, beep...

boop, beep, boop, boop...

Whoa. Is that Shakira? MacGruder back in.

- Shakira? - No, no, no...

Justin. It's not actually...

Um... Shakira's bus broke down.

- Shakira. - Apparently he's only capable of saying...

Shakira.

- Shakira! - See.

I'll come to your party if Shakira's going to be there.

Good question. Shakira?

I'd love to come to your party. I love my fans.

Especially those who say my name over and over.

- Shakira, Shakira, Shakira... - No, no, no! No, um...

No. Shakira cannot come to your party. Right, Shakira?

Oh, no, no. I'm coming.

Yeah, Uncle Kelbo loves parties.

Oh look, another random comment from Max.

Now I know what you guys are always talking about.

Shakira's coming to my mixer! I've got to tell everyone.

[Justin] Everybody, Shakira's coming to my party!

Well that was the worst possible thing you could've done.

Until we find out what's causing this,

you can't show up at a party.

You might pop back and forth between Shakira and Kelbo

in front of everyone.

Like that!

OK, I'm sorry, I've spent a long time

creating a reputation for Shakira

as someone who cares about her fans,

and I'm not gonna let them down now.

[Justin] She's gonna teach me how to dance!

OK. Let's see... "uncontrollable transformations.

See page 685."

OK. "See page 532."

OK. "Stop flipping and call a doctor." What?

I found something!

- Wow! Wow! - Great.

The tallest mountain in the wizard world

contains the world's largest dwarf mine.

Great. We just solved his problem.

What? Uh... That's a wizard trivia book. We didn't solve anything.

We didn't?

No. I still feel kinda weird.

My eyes are all watery and itchy

and I still feel like gyrating in form-fitting Lycra.

All right, look. I think we should just go to Justin.

If he tells the Wizard Council, so be it,

I'll just have to face my magical punishment.

And what's that?

Well, they remove your ability to hold a wand

by breaking both of your hands.

Well, what's magical about that?

A dragon does it.

Oh, Uncle Kelbo, is this the transformation spell you used to become Shakira?

"When you're tired of the same old story, turn some pages...

Trash can."

[Max] What are you guys staring at?

Max, you're a trash can.

And you're a terrible older sister.

No, dude, you really turned yourself into a rusty trash can.

Ow!

What? Oh, this is awesome!

Every two minutes something gross and exciting will be thrown in me.

Hopefully rotten eggs for my egg battle.

Aw, man. It wore off already.

Wait. Max. You didn't do a spell to change back?

Why would I? I was living the dream.

Why? Because Kelbo can't control his transformations either.

It says here that you can catch a wizard sickness

from a spell that has been contaminated.

Well, I have been feeling kinda sick.

In that weird wizard way, when you get all gassy, but it's in your left calf.

- Right? Ew. - Wait...

Itchy, watery eyes, calf gas,

uncontrollable transformation... you're both sick.

Max, you must have been infected

when you used the transformation spell.

[Max] Oh no, another infection? This one better leave a scar.

Guys! Guess what? OK...

So, remember how nobody was coming to my party, right?

Well, now everybody's coming to my party because of Shakira.

It's gonna be one for the history books.

OK. Yeah, that's... That's very funny

but you better not do that when the real Shakira's here.

There is only one Shakira and I'm her.

But I can't control when I turn into her.

- [gasps] - So, uh...

How's your day going?

Justin, I thought I had this wizard germ handled,

but I don't, I need your help.

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't go

straight to the Wizard Council with this.

Be... Because I'm family?

Since when did you ever start caring about family?

Hey! Family is important.

They're the people that have to be nice to you, no matter what.

Justin! Justin...

If you turn Kelbo in, all you're going to do is remind them

that you're related to him. And me.

Keep talking.

Look, if you help,

when I'm 30 and Mom and Dad kick me out of the house,

I promise I will not move in with you

and your cute but irritating wife.

Good. Because Stephanie and I both agree

that it's high time you stopped bouncing between our guest bedroom and jail.

And yes, that's right, her name will be Stephanie.

Great. I'm gonna go cancel the party.

You get to work finding a cure.

OK.

[snaps]

All right. Attention please. Attention.

I have an announcement.

Justin's stupid party has been cancelled.

- [students groaning] - [girl] What?

What about Shakira?

Shakira... is gone.

Because her bus got fixed

and now her tour with the Harlem Globetrotters can resume.

So, anyone wanting to see Shakira should just,

well, wake up and smell the roses.

She's an international pop star.

Why would she want to come to a run-down sandwich shop

on the verge of bankruptcy?

Why should we trust you?

She's always trying to pull stuff on us.

[students] Yeah!

That is an excellent question.

All right, now I know I usually can't be trusted...

[students chatter in agreement]

...but, but... this time I'm not putting one over on you.

I'm putting one over on Justin

by getting you to not go to his party.

- [all] Ah... - [girl] That makes sense.

So you're not putting one over on us?

Oh, of course not.

OK then. You know, It feels good to be on the inside.

Yeah, no, you are so on the inside.

- Yeah. MacGruder in... side. - [Alex] Yeah.

OK, we need to get the germ out of you guys,

by drinking this smoothie made of troll liver, dragon tongue,

cinnamon and elf eye-boogers.

[wincing] Oh! Eew!

I hate cinnamon.

You know how this is going to turn out, don't you?

Spit take!

I hate it! I hate it! I'm not drinking it.

[Max] Hey Justin, just dump mine in me.

No, no, no, wait, wait!

Drink it, then spit it in me. Like a mommy bird.

All right. Nobody make fun of my big can.

The smoothie only worked halfway.

Well, I don't think I should drink any of that.

You don't want to see Shakira's head ruin this body.

Sorry, people. Party cancelled.

No sense hanging around. Move it along.

- Wait. That's Shakira! - [all] What?

Nobody on this block is that hot.

Come on everybody! Shakira's here!

I'm gonna stare at her 'til I'm arrested!

Wait, no!

No. That's just one of those crazy dancing balloons

that gets you to come into the restaurant and you... don't fall for it!

[Alex] Wait.

Alex, Uncle Kelbo's upstairs.

You were supposed to get rid of everyone.

They saw Shakira and they're not gonna leave until they see her.

She's must be up there. Shakira, come down,

- or we're coming up! - No!

- What are we gonna do? - OK, well...

We have no choice. We gotta give 'em what they want.

OK, so we'll show them Shakira and then they'll leave.

OK, all right, people. Calm down.

Shakira's not gonna come down unless you behave yourselves.

That's exactly right. She's on a tight schedule.

She's gonna make an appearance and then she's gonna leave.

Shakira, are you up there?!

[Shakira] Yeah, it's me!

[Kelbo] Uh, wait a second...

[Shakira] Never mind. I'm back.

OK, OK. Well, come down here and meet your fans. Quickly.

Because you're on a tight schedule that could change at any moment.

[kids cheering]

I love New York City!

That's where we live, Shakira!

That's right.

All right. Thank you, Shakira.

I hope everybody had a great time. Goodbye!

[dance music plays]

Wait. I'm International Pop Star Shakira and I must dance.

- Uh! No! - Shakira!

- Shakira, dance back upstairs! - Shakira!

- Shakira, no! - Shakira, wait, wait...

- Shakira! - Maybe if we say it in Spanish.

- [Spanish accent] Shakira! - [Spanish accent] Shakira!

Jerry, our kids are having a party while we're gone.

With Shakira.

Let's dance.

What happened to Shakira?

Yeah, what happened to Shakira?

Oh...

What's going on here?

I was fine with spontaneously dancing with Shakira.

But now that I know it's Kelbo,

[groans] I'm very disappointed in all of you.

It... It's Justin's party.

Alex.

It was Dad's idea to leave us with Kelbo.

Which was totally misguided and I apologize.

Wizard rule number one: Thou shall not expose magic to non-wizards.

You know what's worse than Kelbo breaking wizard rule number one?

Me breaking wizard rule number one.

I'm too young to have my hands broken. There's so much I want to build.

Great.

Follow me.

OK, uh... Everybody,

There's been a mistake.

You all thought that Shakira was coming to the party,

but actually it's a "Come as Shakira to the Party" Party.

Yeah.

You can hardly tell the difference, huh?

MacGruder and crowd out.

Great, MacGruder just left. What are we doing?

I think I understand what was going on here

and I'm not happy about it.

Hey, guys.

Is it... Is it family picture day already?

OK, I have no idea what's going on here.

[dance music plays]

Alex, before I leave, we need to make a prank call.

Well, you must be feeling better.

Oh, so much better.

You know, all that smoothie needed was a little more eye-booger,

It was fantastic and it got rid of that horrible cinnamon taste.

Beep, beep, boop, boop, boop, boop, beep, boop.

Boopy doopy doop.

[with accent] Hello, Justin Russo?

This is Professor Lotion from the Wizard Council.

We've received reports that you have been breaking sacred wizard rules.

Please hold for vice-chairman.

[English accent] Hello. This is Vice-Chairman Higglebottom.

We're coming over to break your hands.

Hey guys, what's going on?

You're not gonna believe what we just...

Run!