Original subtitles

Why do we have to eat this whole sandwich before we kiss?

I saw it in a movie.

I thought it'd be romantic,

the moment our lips touch in the middle.

Yeah, all filled with meat and lettuce and tomato.

Oh, you're right. That's nasty.

I'm gonna leave the romantic moments up to you.

Harper!

Why didn't you talk me out of this idea?

Sometimes when I try to talk you out of something,

you just dig your heels in even more.

Mmm, you're right, I do do that.

You should stop trying to talk me out of stuff.

Alex, it's all right.

How's this for a romantic moment?

Oh, my gosh. Mason!

Oh, my gosh, Mason!

It glows?

Yes.

Quite unusual, really. It runs on batteries.

I love it.

They're kissing!

Oh, hi, Mason. I didn't know you two were in the middle of a date.

Um, yes, you did, Mom.

You're the one who gave me your headboard to make this fancy screen.

Well, listen, I'm sorry, but we need the tables for the evening rush.

Your father handed out fliers without the word "imitation" in front of "ham."

- It's evening? - Yes.

Although most people would have keyed off the fact that we use fake meat here.

Oh, boy, it's getting late. I better get going.

But, uh, but you just got here.

I lost track of time.

In your eyes.

Aww.

Oh, I see what you're doing there.

I like it anyway.

Wait! Mason. Mom!

Oh, why don't you two continue your date tomorrow, huh?

Uh, a family dinner.

- What time do you eat? - We like to eat early.

It gives us time for the food to settle

before we fight over what to watch on TV.

Great. Thank you. Goodbye!

- Oh, wait, your backpack. - I'll get it tomorrow.

[whispers] What are you doing?

Well, he sure was in a hurry to get out of here.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I hope the dinner invite didn't make him feel uncomfortable.

Oh, no, no, that's OK. I'm glad he's coming to dinner.

I mean, once he sees how messed up all of you are

he'll realize what a miracle I am.

♪ Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ That the end will no doubt justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ But you might find out it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you want by the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not ♪

♪ What it seems ♪♪

Are you sure that wasn't Juliet?

'Cause it looked a lot like her.

No, it didn't. It was a giant squid.

I'm not too good at remembering faces.

And if you're so sure it wasn't her

then why'd you hug it for so long?

It wasn't a hug! It was strangling me.

I don't know who's a bigger idiot:

the guy who told you mummies hide their minions in underwater sea caves,

- or me for believing you! - Hey, don't leave me out of the idiot contest.

I don't think I'll ever get Juliet back.

All I've got left of her is...

...this dental floss.

I can picture her flossing her fangs right now.

[mimics wiping] Snap!

[mimics wipe] Snap!

[sighs] Look, Justin, you're gonna find her.

All right? Not 'cause you're a monster hunter, 'cause you're my brother.

What makes you think I'm gonna find her?

Because in the ten years that I've known you

I've never seen you give up on anything.

You sure do have your moments of wisdom, don't you, Max?

You've known me longer than ten years.

Yeah, I wasn't really paying attention in the beginning, though.

Alex told me you were our butler.

[laughter]

Seriously, Alex bowled a 17.

And one time, she didn't even bowl in the right direction.

[all laughing]

I was trying to knock down the people

in the snack bar line. It was too long.

How about another piece of chicken, Mason?

Oh, thank you. I would love another piece.

This chicken is much better than the ones I catch.

You catch chickens?

Uh... yes.

At the grocery store.

In England we say "catch" like Americans say "shop."

"Toodle-oo, I'm off to go... catching."

- Oh! - Oh!

Oh, British people are so cute.

I wish Americans came from England.

Don't lose hope. I'll find you, my love.

He's making a mashed potato girlfriend out of my leftovers.

Make him stop!

Aw, Justin, she's beautiful.

Hey! That's...

There you go, Mr. Russo.

Take a bite out of her head for me. Yeah.

Mason, the heart you gave Alex is beautiful.

Yeah. Hey, where'd you get it? Theresa loves that kind of junk.

- Junk? - Huh?

I didn't say junk.

Uh, I know why you called it junk,

because it's never quite as beautiful as the ladies we buy it for.

- Wouldn't you agree? - Yes.

Ahem. Excuse me. Mason?

Did you say "ladies"?

Who are all these ladies you're buying jewelry for?

I was just making conversation to cover your father's faux pas.

[all] Harper?

"Faux pas", French for "foot in the mouth."

Oh.

Oh, my! It's getting dark. I'm afraid I'm late.

Wait, wait! Late for what?

Uh, I just have to go. Thank you for the splendid dinner, Mr. and Mrs. Russo.

Bye, love. I'll see you tomorrow.

OK. I know what you're all thinking.

That every time he's here he suddenly leaves without a good explanation.

And now he says he buys a lot of jewelry.

So this could only mean one thing.

He's got another girlfriend.

Thanks a lot, Harper.

I was just gonna say he was an international jewel thief

with the Feds on his tail, but yours is probably closer.

"Lost vampire.

Blonde, cute fangs,

likes nose kisses,

answers to Juliet or Shnoogly-boo-boo McCuteykins.

[sobbing]

Justin, can't stand to see you like this,

so I went down to the Wiz-Mart and hung around the bandage section.

To listen to clues from other mummies

who come to buy new bandages. Very clever, Max.

[whispers] Who's the kid?

Well, no mummies came by,

but I did find something that's just as useful.

Go ahead, kid, tell him what you told me.

I've lost me mummy.

All we gotta do is find his mummy,

which could lead us to our mummy.

He's an English wizard! It sounds like "mummy" but he means "Mommy".

That doesn't make any sense.

Just step back.

Come on, kid, why don't we, uh, take you on home

and find your mommy?

OK? And please don't press charges, by the way.

I'll get you a lollipop. You like lollipops?

Thank you.

We're so lucky that we found each other, aren't we?

Lucky? I prefer to call it destiny.

[smacks lips] Yeah. Mm-hmm.

You know, some guys, or girls,

have to keep dating around,

sometimes even behind the other person's back...

...just because they're too dumb

to see that the right girl, or guy,

is sitting right in front of them.

Well, I feel very sorry for those people.

Do you? Mm-hmm? That's interesting.

This is a delicious shake. What's your secret?

Why don't you tell me yours first?

I beg your pardon?

Nothing, nothing. Nothing.

You know, I was just thinking that maybe we should go to the movies tonight.

There's this new coming-of-age horror film

entitled I Know What You Did Last Night,

And You're Not Fooling Me At All, You Dirty Cheater.

That's a rather long title for a movie.

Oh, well, it's a sequel.

Sequel titles are always longer.

The first one was called What's Her Name, Dirty Cheater?

I'd love to, but I can't. I gotta go!

Wait!

There you go leaving again. Why are you always in such a hurry?

I'm sorry.

- Please don't be angry with me. - I'm not.

I just want to know why you're always leaving so suddenly.

- I mean, is there something that I should know? - No. I just have to go.

A-ha! Not so fast, you two-timing Brit!

- Who is she? - What? Let me go!

Harper, what are you doing?

The plan was to follow him, not to wrestle him.

I know, but I ran a lot in Gym today, so I'm tired.

I just wanted to get to it.

Alex, please, go away.

I'm sorry, Mason, but...

...Harper thinks that you're seeing another girl.

- Please tell her that she's wrong. - Just go away, please!

[screaming]

So this is a painful question for you.

Get out of here!

[snarling]

[screaming]

[gasping]

[howling]

[panting]

[panting]

Sorry. Sometimes I go full wolf when I don't need to.

Um, I don't think he has another girlfriend.

Maybe another dog.

- [howling] - Shh!

There are people around!

Sorry, I can't help it.

Now, based on the fact neither of you ran off,

I'd say you also have a secret.

What are you, an elf? A wizard? A genie?

Or just desperate?

- I'm a wizard. - And I'm not.

And right now I'm kind of glad.

I knew there was something about you.

I apologize for rushing off all the time,

but now you can see what the moon does to me.

Your necklace is still glowing.

So? Must be the batteries.

No, I lied. It's not battery operated.

It's a magic necklace.

It only glows when you're in love with the person who put it on you.

Oh, well, then... I guess it works.

And very convenient, too, because now I don't have to tell you,

which is something I'm not really good at.

Usually when girls find out I'm a werewolf, they run off,

which can only be taken as a breakup.

Well, does this look like I'm running off?

Aww!

It's so freaky and romantic at the same time.

So, the first time I turned, I was in London.

What can I do but dash into a building,

where I found myself in the middle of a dog competition.

I jumped through hoops, walked in circles,

and accidentally won Best in Show.

You'd be best in any show.

Well, Mason, you seem like a fine young man-wolf

who respects and cares for Alex.

And if you don't, I'll hunt you down like a dog and...

Well, you get the picture.

I won't forget that, sir.

Does he like me?

Hey! Hey, guys, check it out. Mason's a werewolf.

Oh, my gosh, that's awesome!

Now I'm not gonna be the only one

who likes to eat out of a bowl on the floor.

OK, Justin, take your best shot.

You can pay me back for all the times

I've bagged on all your Wizard World girlfriends.

Remember? That one time I asked if I could ride your centaur girlfriend to school?

Alex, I'm happy that you found happiness in a relationship,

no matter what species he is.

What's important is that you're with someone.

Max and I have looked everywhere for Juliet and I can't find her.

I've lost her forever to the mummy.

I think it's time for me to give up.

Wait! Justin.

I... I want you to be happy like I am with Mason.

There's gotta be something that we can do.

You know, as a werewolf I have keen dog-sniffing abilities.

If I can have a sample of her scent,

I might be able to track the target.

I have some of her dental floss, right here!

- Check that out. - Let me have a sniff.

Get a good whiff, get a good sniff.

Get a good scent and sniff it up, you sniffy...

- OK, I've got it! - Sorry.

Now go get my Shnoogly-boo-boo McCuteykins.

[sniffs]

Alex, thank you for not letting me give up on Juliet.

Feels good to have hope again.

You know, ever since I met Mason,

stuff like hope doesn't actually annoy me anymore.

[howling]

By that howl I think he's got the scent. Let's go!

[crickets chirping]

[sighs] It's not fair.

How come he gets to pee on every tree we pass and you slap me when I did it?

[sighs] That's better.

[sniffing]

Ohh. Hey, I've been meaning to ask you something.

I thought when a werewolf kisses a non-werewolf

they turn into a werewolf.

That's only with mutts. I'm a purebred.

Oh. Did you hear that, Justin?

My boyfriend's a purebred. [scoffs]

[sniffing]

Juliet!

Juliet!

Are you sure we're in the right place?

Hard to confuse vampire breath with another scent.

[gate clattering]

Ahh...

The young fool has finally come.

The mummy!

Whatever you guys do, do not look into his eyes

or else he'll shoot these red beams and turn you into his minion.

Thank you for that, Mr. Over-Explainer.

Only an idiot would look into the mummy's eyes.

Hey, mummy, I think your kid's looking for you.

We've come for Juliet!

I know. Your undying love for Juliet

made me expect your arrival.

[mummy groans]

Really?

Actually, no. It was Juliet's constant yammering.

"My boyfriend's gonna come for me!"

"My boyfriend's coming for me." [groans]

Dude, that's actually a really good impression.

Release Juliet so she can be with Justin

and we can all get back to doing the boyfriend/ girlfriend thing.

Ah. Juliet?

Someone's here to see you!

Juliet! What did you do to my beautiful sweet vampire girlfriend?

Uh, it's a way to keep her frozen

until I need her to do stuff for me.

Oh, man! These are my church shoes.

Perfect.

Hey, give me that!

That's not a shoe scraper.

This scarab beetle is the key

to reanimating the girl in the hieroglyph.

[chuckles] Uh-oh!

Aw, I talk too much. Forget what I just said!

I need to clean my shoes with something.

Oh, how about this? This'll work.

Hey! Cut it out!

- Hand me the bandage! - Good thinking, Max!

[groans] No! That's not fair!

Oh, this is not good.

[melodic chimes]

How does this work?

Here, try this.

[rumbling]

- Justin. - Juliet!

- You found me! - [laughing]

I promised you I would.

Mason, we just had a victory.

Pick me up and spin me around like Justin did with her.

You're looking at me and I'm not turning into a minion. Or am I?

No, I don't know what a minion is.

Mason. Thanks.

I owe you one.

Mason?

Hello, Juliet. It's been a long time.

Well, yeah. 300 years.

You haven't changed.

Actually, I change all the time, remember?

Oh, my gosh, yeah. Ready? Fetch! Fetch, boy.

Fetch! Go on! Yeah, go get the ball.

Go, go, go! [laughing] Oh, good job.

Uh...

What's going on?

Uh, do... do you guys know each other?

Yeah. We used to go out.

Juliet was my girlfriend.

Um...

Wait a minute.

So your girlfriend and my boyfriend

- used to be boyfriend and... - Girlfriend.

[chuckles, gasps]

That would explain why she's scratching him behind the ear.

Ohh, Mason.

Hey, guys, check it out.

You are now under my power.

Go make me some waffles! [cackles]

Eh, it's a bad time.

[Alex] Next time on Wizards of Waverly Place:

I never stopped loving you!

I never want to see you again!

You're the one I'm in love with.

Mason told Juliet that he loved her.

Your heart must really be broken.

I'll regret my mistake for the rest of my life.

I have to know the truth.

Get away from her!

I said she's not going anywhere!

[shrieks]

[roars]