Original subtitles

Sorry, I think you dropped this.

No. That's not mine.

Yeah, I know.

I needed an excuse to come and talk to you.

It's quite lovely...

...what you're working on there.

So, new British guy,

how close are the countries British and England?

They're the same country.

Kind of. And it's "Britain," not "British."

I know. I just think it's hilarious

when people explain ridiculous things.

[rings cowbell]

Speaking of ridiculous things...

OK, holster your brushes, hombres.

I trust you brought something new to compete in the Art Off.

Oh! Oh!

Finkle. MacGruder.

It's time to Art Off.

Art Off is stupid. Just because Mr. Laritate picks a painting doesn't mean it's good.

I mean, look at him. He picks out those clothes.

He doesn't pick those. His mum lays them out for him.

Oh, I like you, new British guy.

You're on my team.

My name is Mason Greybeck.

Mason Greybeck... That sounds like the name of a game show host.

Like, Mason Greybeck, I'll take "Bridges" for a thousand, please.

Your question is,

"I think you're cute. What do you think of me?"

[imitates buzzer] We're out of time.

Ready. Set. Art off!

Well, sailboat plus moon plus owl

equals mystery.

But...

...12 kittens beats mystery. The kittens have it!

Sailboat plus moon equals loser.

Ha ha ha.

[bell rings]

You know, since I got here last Thursday,

I've noticed that he talks like a cowboy. Oh, and he likes cats.

Mmm. In America, we call them kitty cats.

OK, kitty cats.

[laughs] I made you say "kitty cats".

How would you feel about maybe going for some tea later?

Then you can make me say all kinds of things that make you laugh.

OK, but if "go for tea" doesn't mean a date,

then I'm going to be really embarrassed.

And that whole accent thing... girls see right through it.

No, they don't.

Oh, kittens never lose.

Next time I'm gonna paint MacGruder being eaten by a kitten.

Yeah, he's gonna drop this class.

♪ Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ That the end will no doubt justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ But you might find out it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you want by the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not ♪

♪ What it seems ♪♪

[zapping]

Justin, hey, look. The recliner's fixed. Hee-hee!

Now, I am one step closer

to having a place to sleep in every room in the house.

Dad, I've looked for the Mummy everywhere and I can't find him.

- I'm never gonna get Juliet back. - Out looking for the Mummy?

You can't do that by yourself. It's dangerous.

You need special training.

Now, mummies are slow but they're sneaky,

like your mother in heels.

Dad! Where am I going to get special training?

All the monster hunters have been destroyed.

Justin... I think you've reached an age

when a father can proudly train his own son,

so that that father never again has to risk his own life.

All right. OK. Thanks, Dad.

I mean, I know you haven't always been OK with me dating a vampire,

but I'm glad you're gonna help me train to find her.

Well, when you're raising wizards,

you have to deal with your son dating monsters.

And the hope that one of your kids turns out normal.

[stammering]

I mean, that's me, right?

Dad, my collapsible wand isn't collapsing. See? It just...

That'll work.

Yeah, you're still the normal one.

Yes!

[both laughing]

- So, that's why afternoon tea is a British tradition. - Mmm.

Mmm.

See, I can tell this is fancy, because my drink isn't fizzing.

OK, now it's my turn

to show you an American tradition.

These are water balloons.

Ah. So you've heard of them.

And here's how Americans use them.

All right. Victim in sight.

And... bombs away. Hide!

- [balloon splats] - [man] Hey!

OK. Your turn.

I'd love to, but it seems rude.

No. That's the part that makes it American.

Here. I'll show you how to do it.

OK...

Now what do I do?

Just drop it.

- [splats] - [woman] Hey! I see you two!

[woman shouts indistinctly]

We should run.

No...

We should have a romantic montage.

[instrumental music]

[chorus vocalizing]

[no audio]

[music stops]

All right, that should get our relationship started.

Max, I need your help.

When Justin comes down, attack him.

Done. Don't know why, don't care. Going with it.

We're helping him to train to fight a mummy.

Dad, I honestly don't care why.

[Justin] Dad!

Dad, I'm ready to start my training.

Good. OK. We'll...

...start with a little... Now!

I'm the Mummy! I'm the Mummy!

[grunting]

- What? Stop! Ow! - I got him!

[both grunting]

That's enough!

- Calm down. OK... - Why?!

I'm sorry, Justin. I just wanted you to see

how difficult this is gonna be. But don't worry.

'Cause I got something that's really gonna help.

Ta-da!

New no-slip shoes! [gasps]

Thanks, Dad. You're good. You are good.

No, no, no. They're magical rear-view goggles.

When you put 'em on you can see everything behind you.

You can fight the Mummy, look him in the eye,

and not get turned into one of his minions.

[gasps]

Wow. I can see everything behind me.

Max, wherever you are, you'd better stay there.

'Cause I'm a-come getcha, and I'm gonna attack you.

Why are you moving?

Maybe you'll be the normal one after all.

[scoffs] Dad, come on. I lost that race years ago.

We have so much in common.

I mean, we both like painting, and drawing, and sculpting.

- We're the perfect art couple. - Oh, my gosh.

You guys are the couple other couples come to for advice.

Oh! We're gonna be together forever.

Oh, wow. Check out this train wreck on canvas.

We'll give you ten bucks for your stupid Yankee Poodle Dandy.

- Alex! - Oh, sorry.

Twenty bucks.

Why are you buying that if you don't like it?

Because I know Mason,

and he's gonna think it's hilarious.

Buying art to make each other laugh is what art couples do, Harper.

Hey, Mason. Check it out.

I just bought the most horrible, ridiculous painting ever

and I'm gonna volunteer it in the Art Off.

I think it's gonna be something we both find hilarious.

Well, I've got something to show you, too.

I was up all night working on this,

and I think it's one of my best.

Oh, my gosh.! Oh!

An unveiling in front of the whole class will be so romantic.

Or Mason and I can just show each other now.

Don't rob me of my part of this romance.

Who's ready to face off in today's... Art Off?

Ahh, a Russo

versus our friend from across the pond.

Or as I like to call it:

"The Revolutionary War Part Deux"?

Ready... set...

...Art Off!

Whoo. Somebody flush the toilet.

We got a stinker over here.

Calamity Jane!

We have identical themes.

The Revolutionary War and dogs.

Oh, my gosh.

You bought the worst painting you could find, too?

We are the best art couple ever.

No, Alex, you're making fun of my painting,

and I worked on it all night.

Then that means I just called your painting horrible and ridiculous.

You also said it belongs in the toilet.

OK, I know that my laughing seems rude,

but, you see, in America,

laughter is how we show our appreciation.

Like, "Mr. Laritate is a great teacher."

[both force laughter]

Or, or, "Harper, that's a great outfit."

Alex, I know you,

and I know you don't believe either of those things are true.

I think she believes one of those things is true.

Sorry, Mr. Laritate.

You know why you don't like it?

Because you don't understand it.

There's your shovel. Start digging your way out.

Yeah, I, I don't get it.

Can you explain it to me? Any part of it?

It's not "Betsy Ross," it's "Barksy Ross."

You see, that's what I do.

I take famous moments in American history

and I imagine what they would be like from the point of view of canines,

because I'm in love with America. And dogs.

Oh! Now I get it.

Yeah. What an amazing painting.

I'm so glad you like it.

See, now you get it. You just had to look a little deeper.

This is so great,

because I had an idea for my next piece.

I'm going to paint a portrait of you.

It will be your face as a cute Teacup Chihuahua,

sewing the Stars and Stripes, as if you were Betsy Ross.

Uh... No, no...

You, you don't have to do that.

Nobody needs to see me as a dog, really.

Dogs are my muse, Alex.

And I've already got the image in my head.

I've got to get going on this.

- Well, this is just great. - [door closes]

My new boyfriend is gonna paint me as a dog.

Not only that. Mr. Laritate gives all the Art Off winners

a special page in the yearbook.

Maybe we could have back-to-back pages.

Me with my kitten paintings and you with your dog face.

OK, then.

- Hey, Justin. - Hey, Dad. Check me out.

I am really getting the hang of this thing. I'm making tea!

- Terrific, son. - Yep.

- You must be feeling pretty proud of yourself. - Yeah, I actually... Whoa!

Dad, what is with the... the hat?

It's kind of distracting.

Oh, really?

I'm not trying to distract you at all.

Not trying to distract you at all.

- Sneak att... - Judo trick!

[both grunting]

- Give up? Give up? - No!

The question is, do you give up?

I'm on top of you!

Yes. I beg to differ, though.

Because in some countries, I'm on top of you!

That was awesome, son!

[both laughing]

As soon as the goggles became a hindrance, I ripped them off.

Yeah, because some people think because they have them on,

they have to keep them on. But they don't.

Good hunting, son.

Thanks, Dad.

Hey, man, can I borrow those goggles you have?

They're for Biology class.

I'm gonna use them to cheat on the kid behind me.

You know they'll be kind of obvious.

I know. That's why I'm gonna wear the hat.

Goggles.

Hey, Harper.

I figured out a way to stop Mason from painting that picture of me.

A magic shell.

I blow through this shell and I become the artistic muse for whoever hears it.

He'll want to paint me as me, instead of a Chihuahua.

But Chihuahuas are so cute.

Well, I hope I'm cuter than a dog that lives in a purse.

For once, I'm gonna fix a problem before it is a problem.

Look, you barely got out of trouble with him yesterday.

Don't make it worse by adding magic.

Just take it on the chin, let him paint you as a pooch, and move on.

Hello, Brown Eyes. Ready to be my doggie model?

Uh...

Just one second. My allergies are acting up.

[feigning a sneeze]

[conch makes musical sound]

- [clears throat] - I just had a most splendid idea.

I was pretty sure you might.

Don't you see what you've done? You used magic to make your relationship OK.

I don't think that's right.

Harper, doing what's right has never really been my goal.

- [knocking] - Come in.

Oh! There you are, my love.

I've finished!

All of these are of you.

I don't know which one's my favorite,

but they're all good.

- [panting] - Wow.

They're beautiful.

And the moment I started I couldn't stop.

When I paint you, something just comes over me.

It feels... it feels...

Magical?

Yes. Magical.

Did you hear that? I'm sure there's not just these,

but probably hundreds and hundreds of...

Ahh...

...and there they are.

Oh hey, it's you again.

Is it Martin or Jason?

It's Mason.

Wasn't that one of the choices?

Oh wow, these are great.

You can hardly see the numbers.

Alex is my muse. My inspiration.

All I want to do is paint her.

Yep. It's like he's under her spell.

Yes.

I only wish I could paint Alex

on a bigger canvas.

And I think I've got an idea.

Excuse me.

I think I've got an idea, too.

- You stole my Muse Shell. - That's exactly what she did.

Oh, big deal. I like him, and he likes painting me.

I'll tell you what the big deal is.

Pretty soon he's not going to be able to eat or sleep.

All he's gonna want to do is paint you.

Sounds like it wasn't the right thing to do.

Dad, I had to do it.

He paints dogs in American history.

[groans] Those are terrible.

Well, I hate those paintings too, that's why I did it.

- Listen, honey, if you really like Jason... - Mason.

I said that.

...then it shouldn't matter what kind of an artist he is.

It should only matter what kind of person he is.

As a great poet once said,

"Don't go changin' to try to please me."

Mr. Russo, are you quoting Billy Joel?

I've never heard of that person.

What are you looking at? Oh! This is trouble.

That shell's already turned him wacky.

[scoffs] Wacky? Come on. It's beautiful.

It just... Oh, fine!

What do you think? Do you like it?

It's, it's great. It's really great.

That's so good because I really want you to like it.

You are beautiful, and I'm going to keep painting you.

Well, why don't you take a break and we can go get a sandwich?

No time for eating!

Right there. The light is hitting you perfectly.

I want to do a bigger chalk drawing of you over here,

in profile. Excuse me. Move. Thank you.

So, is this what you're just gonna be doing from now on?

I hope so.

We're the ultimate art couple.

[thunder]

We need to get inside.

No, I have to redraw this as it washes away.

The more it washes away, the faster I have to draw.

OK, that is just wacky.

[conch makes musical sound]

[coughs]

Are you OK?

Sounds like you've got a bit of a chest cold.

We need to get you out of this rain and inside.

Well... wait.

So you're done drawing me?

Yeah, I feel like painting some dogs.

Good. Good. You should do that.

But kiss me first.

But you have a cold.

Just kiss me.

Hey, monster guy.

You may have noticed that lately

I've been acting like I totally don't know what's going on.

- Lately? - So you noticed.

Great. Yeah, like,

like remember when I let all those monsters out of that book?

Yeah. They all escaped,

and destroyed the rest of the monster hunters but me.

Yeah, that's not the worst part.

One of those monsters was the Mummy who stole your girlfriend.

So, I mean, I guess, technically,

you can, you can be mad at me.

You know...

- ...that reminds me of something. - Yeah?

- Something I have to do... - OK.

- And I need your help. - My...? Yes!

Great, 'cause I'm here for you. Whatever you need.

- Good. - Yeah.

- Sneak attack! - No!