Original subtitles

- [dogs barking on stereo] - [screaming]

No! Stop following me! Go away!

Harper!

[barking stops on stereo]

Really?!

Alex, I'm sorry.

I knew you'd be annoyed by physical activity,

so I'm training while you're asleep.

Well, I'm awake.

Your invisible dogs woke me up.

Alex, I'm training for the marathon.

And sorry about the dog noises.

It helps me run faster when I feel like dogs are about to eat my face.

Why would you ever want to run 26 miles?

The same reason you stayed on the couch for the entire month of July.

Oh, I get it.

A sense of accomplishment.

Setting a goal and then achieving it.

Well, then, I guess I should be supportive here.

All right, what's the thing that people say?

Oh, yeah... keep it down!

[dogs barking on stereo]

Hey!

♪ Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ That the end will no doubt justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ But you might find out it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you want by the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not ♪

♪ What it seems ♪♪

Har... Harper!

What's up, what're you doing?

I'm blending up all this fruit to make a smoothie.

That's... that's actually an awesome idea.

A drinkable meal.

I really hate chewing.

Birds are so lucky. Their moms just chew up their food

and they spit it right in their mouths.

I really wish my dad married a bird.

Hey, honey.

Look how healthy Harper's eating.

Oh, yeah. You know she's training to run a marathon.

Oh, you must be very proud of your daughter.

Yes, we are. That's our daughter.

Come on, she's not your daughter.

Hey, guys! Check it out.

If you put cereal on hot dogs, it counts as breakfast.

That's your daughter.

Yeah.

It's so hard to be filled with pride

and have no one to give it to.

Hey, you should be proud of me.

I got a whole bookcase full of trophies in my bedroom:

The... Scholastic Decathlon,

debate team and the Alien Language League, among others.

And that's not even counting ribbons or my pat-on-the-back photo album.

You know, honey, we... we are very proud of you.

But... come on,

those awards required

no physical movement on your part.

All right, I'm gonna start training for that marathon right now.

Right after I get a pedicure to strengthen my toenails for the big run. Ahh.

All right, come on, Harper.

Eat your breakfast dog so that we can go upstairs and do some couch-camping.

Alex, that's so unhealthy.

My body's a machine and I have to fuel it with the best that nature has to offer.

Well, I got these from the hot dog guy,

and he definitely smells like nature.

Alex, I'm in training.

[groans] You still haven't given up on that crazy marathon idea yet?

It's been, like...

Like, four hours.

When I set my mind to something, I stay on it

until I come out a winner.

Remember all those spelling bees I entered?

I kept at it until I won.

Yeah, I remember.

Who won that tae kwon do contest?

That's right. This girl.

That smoothie didn't even see it coming.

[phone beeps]

Justin, I just got your text

and I am so on it, man.

I'm going to train you to win that marathon.

All right, dude, let's do what it takes 'cause I need this trophy.

Well, then we start right now. Crab walk!

- Crab walk. Crab walk. - Crab walk?

Crab walk it out. Love that!

Love that. Bring it up, let's do a duck walk.

Let's do a duck walk! Quack, quack, quack it out. Love that, love that.

Let's cool it down. Let's just cool it down with some leapfrogs.

- Leapfrogs? - Ready!

Love it. Good extension.

- Good release. - [Justin] Feels good.

[both grunting]

Is that your son?

[both] No.

I'm not wearing my cat suit!

I told you I never would. Please just stop chasing me.

Harper!

Harper!

[dings]

Alex! I could have fallen.

Harper, when you moved in here,

you promised me that you would never, ever, ever run a marathon.

Dear, I never said that.

Look, I'm half asleep, so my lies aren't really good right now.

Alex, I'm sorry,

but I've got to keep training. I'm up to eight miles.

If all goes well, I should be able to finish a marathon in...

...about three years. Yeah.

Three more years of that squeaking?

I've never used magic before my alarm clock went off.

I don't have an alarm clock.

I wish there was some sort of finish-a-marathon spell.

Oh, look, a finish-a-marathon spell.

I love magic.

Aww, thanks, Alex.

You're so supportive.

- Mmm. - [treadmill dings]

All right!

Come on, Finkle. You can do this!

Push it, push it, push it!

"Gnip-gnop, hippity-hop,

run 26.2 miles, then stop."

Wow!

These protein bars work fast.

Thanks for coming out.

Oh, cool. Are we gonna throw that at the runners?

No, this a drinkable meal. I'm selling them.

This is a special blend of coffee, eggs, hash browns,

and a napkin.

So you don't have to wipe your face after you're done drinking it.

Max, people aren't gonna stop running

to buy your cups of mud.

Oh Alex, you're obviously not a business person.

They run by, grab the cup,

I write down their number and bill them.

Well, good luck trying to track down the runners from Kenya.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry.

Oh, hey, Alex. I've got the Alien Language League members

set up at every mile to cheer Justin on.

Well, up until mile four, then we ran out of people.

Oh, my gosh. It's Harper!

She's the lead runner. She could win this thing.

Let's run to the finish line.

- That's four miles. - You're right. Let's take a cab.

- Ooh, shotgun! - Sure. It's a cab.

Hold on.

A 16 year-old girl with three weeks of training is going to win a marathon?

Does that seem weird to you, Alex?

Oh, my gosh. It's a miracle!

Go, Harper! Slow down, but go!

Whoo-hoo! Harper, we are so proud of you!

Where should we display your winning trophy?

- In my room. - Oh, don't be silly.

Other people should know that a Russo won the marathon.

She's not a Russo.

Until one of you kids wins a marathon, she is.

Ah, congratulations, Harper. You know what I'm gonna do for you?

I'm going to make you my special after-marathon-get-relaxed smoothie.

Herbal tea, warm milk and a jasmine-scented candle.

But Max, you're not allowed to play with candles anymore.

Or a blender, so shut up about it.

[groaning]

[panting]

Justin, you made it. Where you been?

I was finishing the marathon. Where were you?

I wore the alien mask, like we discussed,

when I crossed the finish line, and there was no one there to take the picture.

Without the picture it was just... stupid.

I'm sorry, dude. I got distracted watching Harper win the marathon.

It was amazing. She was like my weird Uncle Charlie, chasing after the garbage truck.

It was... a sight to see.

Wait a minute. So you're saying that Harper won the marathon?

Yeah, but don't worry, honey.

You still have all those trophies from...

...that book stuff.

I didn't even see her. It was like...

It was...

She must have passed me when I was putting on the mask.

- Mmm. - Yeah.

Well, I'm gonna go soak my feet, try to save the toenails.

Alex, Harper, a word.

Look what I found in the area-where-Alex-hides-things area.

Well... it's time to move that area again.

A page torn out of The Cheaters' Book of Spells.

Daddy, I...

I think you and I should probably talk about that alone.

Not that I know what that is or...

It describes a spell to help someone finish a marathon.

And now we need to talk about

not knowing what "talking alone" means.

Oh, my gosh, Alex! You used magic on me so I'd win?!

Not on you. Just your feet.

I'm sorry, Harper. I just couldn't take it anymore, your constant training,

and your... your healthy eating. You said you were gonna keep at it until you finished one.

You know, Alex, I thought you learned your lesson

when we grounded you when you did this to Harper at the fifth-grade spelling bee.

Hey, I won that.

[gasps] Oh, my gosh.

My fifth grade spelling bee trophy is a total sham?

Well... well, Harper, you didn't know about magic back then so I couldn't tell you.

Are all of my achievements a lie because of you?

No. Not all of them.

You... you dressed yourself today.

Mr. Russo, may I please see The Cheater's Book of Spells?

Sure.

"Win at jumping roping spell."

Guilty.

"Achieve black belt in tae kwon do."

Guilty.

"Picked first for kickball"?!

I'm surprised you didn't figure that one out on your own.

Well, that's just great, Alex.

Some of my biggest achievements in life are lies because of you.

Now, I wouldn't say

"picked first in kickball"

is a big achievement.

Well, I guess I wouldn't know.

[door closes]

We don't have to give back the trophy, right?

So you're telling me

that Alex used magic so Harper would win the marathon?

I can't believe it's all been a lie.

How could Alex do this to our daughter?

So the trophy's a fake?

This is the best news ever.

Well, Harper's pretty broken up about it.

So what? Alex cheated.

She's a cheater!

I can still be the first Russo to win an athletic trophy.

I'm gonna train hard, eat right and win the next marathon.

Yeah. I'll start as soon as my toenails grow back.

See what you've done?

Not only have you hurt Harper's feelings,

but you've sent your brother off on an unrealistic goal.

Why? His toenails will grow back.

But, I... I do feel bad about Harper.

Well, I don't know how you're going to make her feel better.

I mean it's not like she can do all those competitions over again.

Oh, shoot.

What's wrong?

I think I accidentally gave her an idea.

Yes, you did!

OK.

And... open your eyes!

It's bad enough you've ruined all my victories with magic,

and now you've made a banner to remind me of it?

No, no, no, no, we're gonna recreate those competitions,

starting with your fifth grade spelling bee.

And I won't use magic this time, so you can win fair and square.

How do I know you're not using magic to make me agree to do this?

Would it make you feel better if I let you hold my wand?

Yes, it would.

No, no, take it back. That thing gives me the creeps.

Don't be afraid, Finkle.

Your first word might be "bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk"!

Are you calling the 18th Street spelling bee champ a chicken?

If the egg fits, lay it.

Let's go, Carol!

OK. Are you ready for your word, Max?

Max.

M-A-C-K-S.

Max.

That... that isn't your word.

That's your name.

And you misspelled it.

I should've asked for a definition.

OK, Carol, your word is...

...hippopotomonstroses- quipedaliophobia.

Could you use it in a sentence?

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedalio- phobia is an annoying word,

and I'm not gonna say it again.

That's the sentence.

Hippopotomonstroses- quipedaliophobia.

H-I-P-P-O-P-O-T-O-M-O-N-S-T-R-O- S-E-S-Q-U-I-P-E-D-A-L-I-O- P-H-O-B-I-A.

Hippopotomonstroses- quipedaliophobia.

Correct.

OK, Harper, your word is...

- ..."sergeant." - Easy one.

Sergeant.

S-E-R-G-A-E-N-T.

Harper, that's not right.

- [audience groans] - I'm sorry, you're out of the competition.

[squeals, hooting]

Oh, cork it, Carol.

Way to make me feel better, Alex.

No, no, no. It's not just one and done.

We've got more. Come on.

2225, 2226, 2227, 2... Why did you stop?

Well, I could've gone longer, but it looked like your dad was going to pass out.

No, I'm fine.

What?

Is the room spinning?

How do you do this? I think I need a watch.

Oh! Jump rope. Justin, get in there.

This is perfect cardio for the marathon.

Teddy bear, teddy bear, turn around.

Teddy bear, teddy bear, touch the ground.

- Teddy bear... - Zeke!

- Do it in your head. - Oh.

Sorry. All right.

And here we go and...

- Now. - Zeke.

OK, we're gonna go again. Coming up right now.

Here we go! OK.

And going again, right now. Go!

All right, go again, right now. Quick, go! Go quick! Now!

Zeke! OK...

You're messing up my timing.

- Hurry up. My arms are getting dizzy. - Dizzy...?

There, you missed. Get out.

Whoo-hoo!

All right, Harper, show her how it's done.

Daddy!

Huh? Is it Christmas?

- All right. - All right, I just gotta beat 2227.

People, grab a chair. This is gonna take a while.

One. One...

And... one.

- Oops. - Oh, thank you.

I'm sorry, Harper.

Thanks for coming out.

My pleasure. Although I wish you would've let her go first.

It would've saved me about three hours of jumping rope.

Oh, just take your victory and leave, Connie!

Oh... well, this...

This is just like real life.

You can't win all of them, right?

But there's no way that you're gonna lose the next one.

[sighs]

[grunts] I wasn't ready.

Get up! We're not done here.

- But she's done. - Hey!

In my day, the fight wasn't over until you saw bone!

Give me my black belt.

Make me.

- Hey...! - Just kidding.

You already made me.

Daddy, why did you give me this idea? It's horrible.

That's not all that's horrible.

I'm pretty sure the old lady ripped one.

All right. It was me.

It happens when I exert.

I'd help her up, but then you'd get another one.

[groans]

Hey, Harper.

I made you a smoothie to cheer you up.

- You all right? - I'm OK. I mean, it probably have felt good

to win at least one of the rematches.

I'm so sorry, Harper.

Your friendship means the world to me.

And I only used magic because I wanted you to feel good.

I mean, I wouldn't have set up all these rematches

if I knew you were going to lose all of them.

It's OK. I mean, you don't have to apologize, I learned something important.

It's better to lose and know you lost on your own than to cheat and win.

I also learned how to say "hippopotomonstrosesquipedalio- phobia."

I learned one thing.

When did you become the most amazing person in my life?

The first day we met in kindergarten,

when we had to take naps in different rooms because we snored.

[both snoring]

OK, so you're not gonna use any more magic on me?

- No. - Even if I ask for it?

Yep. But... but, OK, what if we're like really old,

like 30, and... and then our hair starts turning gray,

and our skin looks like Dad's old wallet,

and our butts are dragging...

OK, OK, OK!

- We can use magic to fix that. But nothing else. - OK.

[sighs] It feels nice to have all my victories and losses in life be magic-free.

Well...

[both] Well, what?

Remember when we were kids at Coney Island,

and we raced each other to the hot dog stand?

So, wait, you used magic to beat me?

- Well, then, why don't we just do a rematch of that? - Seriously?

We can just race to the bus stop around the corner.

- All right, Mr. Russo, you call "go." - OK, you ready, girls?

Ready? Set. No magic!

- [grunts] - Daddy!

I just really wanted to tell you,

honey, a minute ago I was proud of Harper, but now I'm proud of you, too.

OK, thank you.

And I really just wanted to make sure

that you didn't win the race.

So, go ahead.

Oh!

I'm sorry.

I just really wanted to make sure that I could be proud of you.

OK, go.

[Alex] Wait up, Harper.