Original subtitles

I cannot believe my Captain Jim Bob Sherwood Farmhouse Space Command Module

was appraised at $400.

Yeah, but then you fainted and squashed one of the space cows.

Now it just looks like space road kill.

Hey, guys.

I was just cleaning out the basement and I found some cool stuff.

Justin, here's your scooter. Weren't you looking for it?

Yeah, when you hid it from me when I was eight.

[gasps] My old Shaun Cassidy poster!

Who put lipstick on...? Oh, yeah.

Never mind.

Hey, Dad, isn't this yours?

[gasps] Ooh! My football phone.

Wait a minute. Why would you be cleaning out the basement?

You don't clean out anything.

What are you up to? Come on, tell me.

Nothing. Nothing.

I just...

I just think that in these tough times,

families have forgotten what really matters.

And I'll tell you what really matters.

Each other.

And do you know how we celebrate each other?

With tokens from our past... memories.

- Nice! - No way.

Best performance by a daughter in a nonsense role!

That was amazing!

[clang]

- [clang] - Aah!

- [clang] - Aah!

- [clang] - Chihuahua!

Ah, now we get the truth. Her own art studio.

Alex, you think you can clear out the basement

and make it your own space without asking us?

My old yearbook!

Who wants to see my old hair?

Sick, Dad. Is that where you keep it? [gags]

This is just another one of her decoys

so no one will stop her from getting the basement.

Look at her.

See? Decoy.

She knows that someone else is more deserving of the basement,

someone with a very valuable Captain Jim Bob Sherwood collection

that should be kept in a temperature-constant environment. Just sayin'.

Hold on right there.

- No one is getting the basement. - That's right.

This is where we keep all the stuff that we don't let each other keep upstairs.

Knock it off!

♪ Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ That the end will no doubt justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ But you might find out it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you want by the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not ♪

♪ What it seems ♪♪

Harper, what happened?

Did you wear your walnut hat near the park? Did the squirrels attack you?

No. I'm moving.

- What? - What do you mean you're moving?

My dad got transferred to Pittsburgh.

Harper, you're my best friend. You can't leave. What about school?

I would stay and finish school if we had family in town, but we don't.

I mean, we do, but they won't tell us where they live.

Well, we're your family, too.

That's right, Harper. We're here for you.

Because you're always here for us.

Always here... always.

Hey, you know what we should do?

We should let Harper move into the basement.

It would be great for me. Us. Her.

Really? Well, let me ask my mom for permission.

Mom, you were right.

They did ask. OK, bye.

She said yes. Group hug!

You and your mom manipulated us.

Looks like you are part of this family.

Well, if you're gonna be a part of this family,

you should know that we don't group hug.

Aww. It's already feeling like home.

This is so heavy.

This is gonna be so great, Harper.

I know. Two best friends living together, sharing the load.

It'll be great.

So, my easel is here.

And my paints are right there.

And my canvases are up here.

Oh, and Harper...

You can sleep in the corner...

...behind the water heater. Warm and cozy.

Really? Oh, yeah.

You need your art studio more than I need a comfortable bed... or breathable air.

I'll just sleep on a towel or possibly standing up,

like a horse!

Yeah, no, that'd be great. As long as you don't take up too much room.

No, I'm trying to tell you that you're being selfish.

Harper, I'm letting you sleep in my art studio. How is that selfish?

- Alex! - OK, OK, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm really glad you're gonna be living here, Harper.

Now come on, let's clear out all of my stuff and set up your room.

Let me know when you're done.

Just kidding! Sorry! Yeah. [chuckles]

Hey, isn't this your old dollhouse we used to play with?

Aww, it looked so much bigger when we were little.

Yeah. Man.

If only at age five I knew I was a wizard

I would have shrunk myself down and...

Hmm.

Oh, no. Did you just go "hmmm"?

Yes, I did, Harper.

And I wish you would stop being so afraid of my "hmmms."

One of these days my "hmmm" is gonna be something great.

Let's see if it's today.

Do we have to?

Shrinka dink, shrinka dank, shrinka dunk

I guess we do.

[Alex] This is my best "hmmm" yet. My very own art studio.

[Harper] To make teeny-tiny art?! Cool.

Hey, if I stick my toes in the window can you paint my nails?

Won't it look weird if someone walks in and sees you?

Eh! They'll mostly be looking at this anyway.

Jerry, take 'em off. I'm throwing them out.

But what if I want to go to the gym?

What if I want to stop being embarrassed in this neighborhood?

Fine. Then you have to throw out

those love poems about Shaun Cassidy.

- Who snitched? - A little birdie told me.

Excuse me, I'm more like an eagle or a hawk.

Caw! Wait.

I just told you I was the snitch, didn't I?

I'll find my own punishment.

Hey, Dad, can I borrow those pants and a camera?

That was a good one, honey.

Justin. Um...

I'm no expert about collectible toys.

Thank goodness for that.

But shouldn't you store that away somewhere?

Dad, two things. One, you're terrible at making side comments to yourself.

And two, I've decided to sell

my Captain Jim Bob Sherwood Farmhouse Space Command Module.

- Why? - Because the other person

shouldn't hear your side comment.

Turning your head to the side, not lowering your voice...

No. Why are you selling it?

I know I would.

I'm selling it because... I still heard that.

I don't have the temperature-constant basement to store it in.

Keeping it just wouldn't be fair to the plastic.

Oh, we have a customer.

Nice sweatshirt.

See, now that was a good side comment

because he didn't hear you. Good.

- Are you Randy? - Yeah, I'm Randy.

I heard your side comment about my sweatshirt.

I'll get it!

Well, here it is. [chuckles]

"Immaculate condition," as described in my auction ad.

Oh, which also says, "Appraised for $300."

- Hmm. - Wow.

I'll give you $75 for it.

Seventy-five dollars?! [laughs] Cute.

I should charge you $75 just for looking at it.

Well, it is obvious that somebody fell on it

- and squashed the space cows. - [scoffs]

- Call me when you wake up from your dream. - [scoffing]

Yeah, well, your Captain Jim Bob sweatshirt's an iron-on, not an original!

Yeah. Some people just don't understand fashion.

Harper, I love your new bedroom, but...

[whispers] aren't these headless mannequins

gonna freak you out at night?

Yeah, I put heads on them before I go to bed.

I should probably go get those before my dad takes them to Pittsburgh

instead of taking my mom.

He likes them better 'cause they don't talk back.

OK, well, I'll be in my art studio.

Shrinka dink, shrinka dank, shrinka dunk

Harper's room looks great.

Ooh! A pretzel dress.

This dress could use a little more salt.

Come on, we still got a lot of stuff to throw out.

Oh, look!

It's Alex's old dollhouse.

So many memories.

We can get rid of that, too, huh?

Whoa. Wait! Harper!

Harper! Wait!

Wait! Ohh!

Oh, no!

- Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Russo. - Hi, Olive.

How's your dad's produce stand?

Fine, thank you. Oh, Mr. Russo,

here's your bag of corn husks you use for lettuce.

Shh! [chuckles]

She's so cute.

That's a really pretty dollhouse, Mrs. Russo. Is it yours?

Mine? Oh, no, honey. It's Alex's.

She's too old now, so we're gonna get rid of it.

Really? May I have it?

Oh, of course.

And you know what?

It comes with a carrying strap. Here you go.

Thank you so much!

Oh, [chuckles] you can't have that. It's Alex's. But that's all yours.

Harper, I know you and Alex loved playing with this when you were little,

but don't you want someone else to enjoy it now?

No.

Harper, we already gave it to Olive.

Can I at least look inside of it? You know, for sentimental reasons.

Harper, I dropped my wand and it rolled out the door

when we were in the basement. I'm in so much trouble.

I'll go get Justin. Come on, Senorita Kitty!

Get Justin? Why?

Uh...

...'cause he loved this dollhouse, too.

[Alex] Harper!

Don't go ask Justin for help.

I'm gonna try to fix this myself.

Now, please go and try to find my wand. It's somewhere in the basement. Hurry!

And remind me to always go to the bathroom before I come in here.

Justin! Justin! I need your help!

Shh! I have to concentrate. I'm trying to restore

my Captain Jim Bob Sherwood Farmhouse Space Command Module's space cows

to bring it back to its full $400 value.

- Now steady... - Oh, just gimme that!

Harper! What are you doing? No, you're not...

Wow, it's perfect.

You're really good at that.

I paint mountain scenes on grains of rice. Of course I'm good at it.

Now listen, Alex turned her old dollhouse into an art studio,

and shrunk herself to work in it,

but your mom and dad gave it to a little girl down the street.

Just tell her to use her wand to reverse the spell.

Oh, I left out a part.

She lost her wand in the basement. I looked everywhere. I can't find it.

[sighs] OK, I'll go. I'll fix it.

[chuckles] Oh, I kinda left out another part.

I wasn't supposed to ask for your help.

- What? - She wants to fix this on her own.

But, come on, you and I both know she can't fix this.

So, are you gonna help me help her or not?

OK, OK, uh...

I'll do both.

I'll help her by not helping her.

If I don't help her, it will make her a better wizard.

So, I'm not gonna help her. Which will help her.

What?! [groans]

If you weren't so darn cute, I'd be mad at you right now.

- Harper... - Uh-uh! Shh, shh!

Rowrr!

Look what I found under my bed.

A very valuable collector's item.

Max, that's a paper plate piled high with trash.

Yeah, I had it appraised. Now it's worth $250.

Who would pay you $250 for that?

This bargain hunter right here.

I mean, unless someone was willing to pay 260

then I would go to 275.

Max, why would you bid against yourself

on something you already own... Hmm.

- A bidding war! - Sold. You owe me 275.

Where is it?

[Olive] I know you're in here.

[groans] Your hair is so tangled!

Maybe we should just cut it all off

and glue some yarn on.

[Alex] Ow! Ow! Ow!

Hi, Olive. How are you?

Fine. Are you gonna try and take my dollhouse?

I'm sorry about that.

Um, why don't we be friends

and maybe we can schedule one of those "play dates"?

Really? I have to ask my mom

because she told me to stay away from the weird girl.

Well...

...maybe she meant someone else.

Aren't you the one who wears a hat made of walnuts?

Well, I, uh, I did what you said, Randy.

I thought about your offer, and $75 sounds pretty good.

Then we have a deal.

That we do.

Because $75... [laughs] sounds pretty good.

Oh, giant dog who waterskis, you've done it again.

- Seventy-five dollars! - Oh, hey! Is that a Colonel Jim Bob...

- Captain! - Captain Jim Bob Sherwood...

...Barnyard Command Module?

Oh. Well, it's in great shape.

- Are you selling it? - Uh, yeah, but I just bought it for $75.

Really? I'll pay you more.

- A hundred dollars. - Hey, hey! We were making a deal here.

Yes, we were, but now there's someone else here

offering $100.

- One-twenty-five. - One-fifty.

Do I hear 175, 75, 75?

- One-seventy-five. - One-seventy-five. Signal with the index.

- One-seventy-five is the current offer. - Two hundred.

- Two hundred... - Two-fifty!

- Two-seventy-five! - Slow down, boys.

- You want to bait the bidder... Three hundred dollars! - Three-ninety-five!

You can't find my wand?

Can't you see what Olive is doing to me?

I know, and I'm kind of jealous.

I've been trying for years to get you to wear a pretty dress like that.

[groans] She is pulling all of my hair out with her cat's brush!

The dress is bad enough. I don't want to be a bald doll!

Look, I really tried to figure this out on my own,

but I just don't know what to do.

You're gonna have to ask Justin for help.

Right. About that,

I kind of already did.

I told you not to!

But I guess you knew I couldn't figure this out on my own, right?

- I'm sorry. - That's OK. You're right.

So what's Justin gonna do to help me?

Nothing. He said he's helping you with your wizard studies

by not helping you.

Apparently he thinks you can fix this on your own

and, man, is he alone in that.

He actually thinks I can fix this on my own?

[chuckles] Wow.

What kind of jacked double-reverse psychology is he pulling?!

Where is he?

He just sold his Captain Jim Bob Sherwood Farmhouse Space Command Module.

Apparently a guy paid a lot of money for it.

So... Justin's got money, huh?

Well, then he's about to help me

whether he likes it or not.

I can't believe you're gonna buy my dollhouse for so much money!

[whimpers]

I can't believe it either!

But it has a lot of, uh, sentimental value.

Hmm. It's practically family

- [groans] - [Alex] Whoa, whoa!

You owe me a lot of allowances.

- [clang] - [grunts]

[Alex laughing]

Ow!

[exhales] Thank goodness I'm me again.

Well, a gross version of me.

Wait! Don't change until I get my giant teddy bear and my tea set.

Kitty, it's gonna be an all-girl tea party!

Well...

Thank you, Justin.

I will pay you back the money.

[grunts] No, you won't.

I know, but the "thank you" was real.

Wait! Where are you going?

This is the part where we fight it out until I win.

I lost $400. You already won.

No! I won because I wanted to fix this on my own,

but I couldn't until you made me.

And, now, I'm a better wizard for it.

No, it was my money. I fixed it.

But it was my idea. This isn't about the money.

The important thing is, is that it's all better now.

So you can say "You're welcome."

For what?! I'm out $400!

[laughs] There you go! There's the fight I was looking for.

Don't you feel better?

Hmm...

Fine. [groans]

Ooh, Justin, you're hurting me.

Yeah. I do feel better now. Thank you.

Three hundred eighty, three hundred ninety...

four hundred dollars.

Well, Olive, there you go.

Your very own collectible plate of garbage.

So you ended up with all of my money?

You should've bought the plate of collectible garbage when you had the chance.

Come on, man. I'll buy you a sandwich.

You don't even know how to spend the money right!

We get sandwiches for free!