Original subtitles

OK. What I'm about to attempt is the very advanced,

not for everyone, don't try this at home...

...Thin Man spell.

Great. It's a spell that will make Justin thin and a man.

[all chuckling]

A man...

Sorry.

I'm just happy someone made a weight joke

and it wasn't about me.

OK. Here we go.

[inhales and exhales]

Hair frizzy, don't have a tizzy, thin Lizzy.

[laughs] Sweet!

- [alarm blares] - [laughs]

Is this a part of the spell?

No, it's not. Hello, Russos.

I hope you remember me, because I bothered to remember you.

I am here to congratulate Justin Russo.

He just mastered his 5000th spell,

marking end to his wizard studies.

Go ahead. Celebrate. Let it all out.

I did it. I'm done. [chuckles]

Now put it back in,

because I have 30 more of these I have to do today.

I can't believe you're done.

It feels like just yesterday you were turning a brick into a rabbit.

Edgebono-utoosis.

[both] Oh!

Sir, sir?

How many spells have I successfully completed?

Oh, we don't like to keep track of numbers.

Two hundred. Give or take a hundred.

So, a hundred.

Yes!

So then, I guess this party is for me, too.

I'm so proud of you, Justin.

You know, go get a piece of pie, any pie you want,

from the pie fridge.

- You earned it, son. - Awesome.

I've completed my entire wizard studies

and I'm getting a slice of pie.

Hold on a second.

With the completion of your basic wizard studies,

you now move on to the next step in becoming a wizard.

- Independent study. - Ooh!

Nice going, Justin.

You finished school just to be rewarded with more school.

Mr. Stuffleby, what sort of independent study did you have in mind?

I could go on and on and on but, frankly,

my lips are getting a bit tired.

But off the record, they're so far behind,

you might as well be competing with that chair.

Whoops! No offense, chair.

[both laugh]

- Now, that was a good one. - Yeah.

It was.

Hey, this competition's not over yet.

Don't count out me and Max.

Yeah, I'm smarter than that chair.

I take its money all the time.

Take that, chair.

Well, don't count out me.

♪ Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ That the end will no doubt justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ But you might find out it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you want by the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not ♪

♪ What it seems ♪♪

Hey.

So I decided on what independent study course I'm gonna take.

It's a course called, "Ha, ha. I'm beating you in the wizard competition."

That was a good one.

Just kidding, in all seriousness,

the course is called monster hunting.

Oh, great. Then you can round up all your ex-girlfriends.

Oh! [laughs]

Now get out of here.

I'm trying to find a way to catch up on my wizard lessons.

Why bother? You know, if I were you,

I'd figure out ways to look good in a hair net.

Whoo! [laughs]

I am on fire.

Alex, I think he just called you a hairy lunch lady.

Dude, aren't you just a little worried that Justin might beat us in the wizard competition?

Alex, I'm worried about a lot of things.

This might be as tall as I get.

Look, what are we gonna do to beat him?

I'm not telling you.

Harper.

- I need help with my studying. - Ah-ha!

That's what you're doing.

I'm not doing that.

When you called and said something about studying,

I thought you were being held against your will and forced to say crazy stuff.

No, no. I really need help on my wizard lessons,

and so I can catch up to Justin.

Catch up to Justin?

Well, then you need to change who you are.

You're gonna need to do what Justin does.

Harper, I've spent my entire life ignoring him.

I don't know what he does.

Hey, then I can help you.

There's no bigger expert on Justin than me.

He and I used to go out just a little bit.

- No, you didn't. - Can't you go along with it?

I'm trying to help you.

Fine. OK, fine. Tell me what he does.

OK, Justin is always learning.

He's constantly quizzing himself.

For example, when you think he's texting,

he's really sending spells to himself to memorize.

I knew he wasn't that popular.

[humming]

Hey. Whatcha doing?

Studying.

OK. Right. [laughs]

Yes! My monster hunting kit came in the wizard mail.

You chose monster hunting as your independent study?

That's fantastic. It's so exciting and dangerous.

And, oh, gosh. I'm so proud of you.

You got a homing beacon!

Yup. They sent everything.

A monster detector, a manual that lists all known monsters.

Oh, and some sort of illuminated communication device.

Hello.

I think that's a flashlight, Dad.

Then why am I speaking into it?

Ooh!

Here.

[gasps] They sent the monster bait.

- [grunts] - Wow.

You know, I think you're suppose to put that bait

on this giant key ring.

Dad, that's a sparkly, spinning hoop.

Oh...

[chuckles] Hey.

- Dad? - Yes.

[clears throat] OK, so, according to the monster manual,

the local monster holding cells are located

at Grand Central Station.

[grunts, laughs]

Look how they spelled "station."

That is how you spell station, Dad.

Oh, look, wanted posters.

OK, uh... Ooh.

Look at this cute little guy. It's a Dirksen.

He'd be an excellent first target.

Here he is. A Dirksen.

Disguises himself as a common household pet.

- Mm-hm. - When cornered, triples in size,

trapping its prey, squeezing its farts out.

[grunts]

Whose farts?

He's killing you, Justin.

- Does it really matter whose farts it is? - Well, yeah.

Um, maybe we should start with the level one monster.

OK. OK, here we go.

A Fakeahorseus. This looks like an easy one.

A cowardly monster, good, whose only tools for survival

are sarcasm and complaining. [laughs]

You can catch that.

- I mean, you grew up with Alex. - Yes.

You're going down, Fakeahorseus. I'm gonna go lay some bait.

You are a lucky kid. Monster hunting.

It's adventurous and dangerous and you're out there...

- You can't go, Dad. - But why?!

Because you thought this was a communication device...

...and this was a key ring.

It's just... How could you even fit that in your pocket?

It's just not logical.

I'm gonna go get my keys.

Well, Justin'll be out monster hunting all day,

so we'll use his room to learn how he learns.

Check it out. He reads himself to sleep with a spell book,

and his mp3 player is full of spells.

[Justin singing to the tune of Yankee Doodle]

♪ Pine nuts, basil, dragon toes are how you make a potion ♪

♪ When someone drinks it they will turn into a... ♪

Yeah, OK, no, we're done with that.

He's even designed his room to help him learn spells. Try the fridge.

- [beeps] - [Justin's voice] To open the fridge,

recite a spell that changes hot into cold.

- I don't know that spell. - OK, try to turn on this lamp.

OK.

- [beeps] - [Justin's voice] Here's a bright idea.

[clears throat] If you want the lamp to come on,

create a ball of light.

If I could create a ball of light,

I wouldn't need to turn the lamp on.

Harper, I don't know any of this.

You've got to give it a chance, Alex.

You've blown stuff off for fifteen years,

it's not gonna just change in two minutes.

[humming]

Are you even listening to me?

Yes, yes. No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

It's just, can't get that song out of my head.

♪ Pine nuts, basil, dragon toes are how you make a potion ♪

It's really annoying but... very catchy.

See, it does work. You can't get it out of your head.

All right, Alex.

The gloves are off when it comes to the wizard competition. I'm taking it.

Well, take it somewhere else because I'm studying in here.

What's the use? We're not gonna win.

What we need to do is sabotage Justin.

Sabotage, huh?

What would Justin do?

Sorry, Max. You're on your own.

But if I was going to, which I'm not...

- [clears throat] - ...I'd probably start by...

Studying.

I'm sorry, Max. I can't help you.

Look at you, letting your conscience be your guide.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Well... Do what I just did. I have a conscience,

and I'm letting it be my guide.

Whatever.

Let my conscience be my guide? What's that supposed to mean?

Hmm.

Guide, guide, tour guide.

Ha! Here we go! Conscience guide.

Read all instructions before reciting spell.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Boom! My inner thoughts of right and wrong...

...come out, come out where you belong.

[both scream]

- Who the heck are you? - I'm your conscience.

Uh-oh. Maybe I didn't do that right.

So, you're my conscience?

This isn't what I meant to do. You gotta get out of here.

Well, I wouldn't even be here if you would have read the instructions.

Instructions are for cheaters.

You were supposed to say this spell in front of a mirror.

Then your reflection would become your conscience.

And I wouldn't be out here.

How come you don't look like me?

I'm what you look like to other people.

Oh, my gosh.

I guess I have to admit it now. I don't have a mustache.

But I do like you. I'm gonna call you Roy.

Don't call me Roy. I'm not Roy. I'm your conscience.

Listen, Roy, I need ideas on how to sabotage my brother Justin

so he doesn't win the wizard competition.

Do you really think sabotaging Justin is a good idea?

I just said it was.

If you want to be my servant, you gotta do what I say.

I'm not your servant. I'm your conscience.

I help you decide right from wrong.

I know what the difference is, I just like to choose wrong.

So, let's hear some sabotage ideas.

Look, if you're gonna do bad stuff to your brother,

then you're no different...

...than the monsters in this book.

Hmm?

That's what we should do.

We bring all the monsters in this manual to life.

That way Justin will never be able to capture them

and he'll fail his independent study.

But if you did that, the city would be overrun with monsters.

Agreed. Then that's what we'll do.

I'm trying to tell you it'll be a lot of trouble for a lot of people.

Dude, I'm with you. We are doing it.

It's just gonna cause problems.

For Justin. It's perfect.

OK, I give up.

- Do whatever you want. - OK.

Hot monsters in the city, run a-wild, what a pity.

[cackling]

You just released the most horrible monsters into New York.

You happy?

I think so. It feels pretty good.

"Feels pretty good." Well, when they come back here

and eat your face off, I don't want to hear it.

- They're not coming back here. - They could.

They're loose in the city. That's what I was telling you.

Roy, you have gotta be more clear next time.

- This is totally your fault. - Mine? You cast the spell.

Look, when something bad happens, you blame whoever you're with.

That's how this family works.

Well, you're kind of blaming yourself.

OK, well, then let's go blame Alex.

Look, if anyone asks, your name is Darren.

I don't want them to know who you really are. OK, Roy?

[beeping rapidly]

[gasps]

[clears throat]

- [clicks off] - [beeping stops]

[clears throat]

Excuse me, sir.

Do you have the time?

- Yeah, it's about... - Caught ya, Fakeahorseus.

Whoop-de-doo. You caught a level one monster.

- When's the parade? - Come on.

Let's go.

[beeping]

Another monster?

Well, looks like your stable's about to get another...

...roommate that's not so...

...stable.

[beeping]

Another monster?

What's going on?

Oh, my gosh. They're everywhere.

[She'll Be Coming 'Round The Mountain] ♪ I am singing this whole song to learn a spell ♪

♪ Learn a spell ♪

- ♪ This is the thing Justin does so well ♪ - ♪ Does so well ♪

♪ When I'm in a jam and need to scram, I cast a spell called "Jackie Chan" ♪

♪ I'm singing this whole song and I learn spells ♪

♪ When I need something that's far away ♪

♪ I cast a spell called... ♪

[off rhythm] ♪ "Grow legs and come my way"

♪ It comes in handy if you're lazy, which you are ♪

♪ And sometimes mean to your best friend you don't even care ♪

♪ Or thank me for the things I do, like... ♪

Harper?

Is everything OK?

Oh, you mean 'cause it didn't rhyme?

I'll work on that.

Alex, you are in a load of trouble.

I took your advice and let my conscience be my guide.

- That's good. - Here's my conscience, Gordon.

- He stinks as a guide. - What are you talking about?

Oh, he's talking about the monsters

he released into the city to sabotage Justin.

Monsters all over the city?

Well, I'll see you in P.E.!

Max, I can't believe you would do something this stupid.

Alex, I think we all believe I could do something this stupid.

[sighs] We gotta go save Justin.

OK.

Max, what is that?

It's a volleyball net. If we get a monster game

of Red Rover going, we can capture them all.

And if they're nice, we can play some volleyball.

Get rid of it and let's go.

I'm serious, my monster detector is lit up like a Christmas tree.

It's as if I'm surrounded by monsters,

but I don't see any.

- [growls] - [shudders]

- [growls] - [whimpers]

[cawing]

OK, so I see them.

- Quick question. - [hissing]

What are they all doing here?!

[muttering]

I told you guys not to bring that.

- Justin! - [growling, hissing]

We need a distraction

so we can get Justin out of there.

- OK, you want us to break dance? - Oh, yeah.

[both muttering]

[cheering]

[growling]

[screams]

Would you knock it off!

Alex, quick, use a spell! [screams]

What do I do?

- Ready? - Here we go.

- Whoa, bring it back. - Whoa!

I'm a little busy right now.

[gasping]

Hold on. Hold on. I can do this.

♪ When I need something that's far away ♪

♪ Sprout some legs and go where I say ♪

Leg-and-feet-a-run-a-meet-a.

[cawing, growling]

Train in vain, go to Spain.

[train whistles]

You did it!

Thank you. You saved me.

- We all did. - [scoffs] No, we didn't.

- Why are you saying that? - Why are you still here?

- Who the heck is that guy? - That is Max's conscience.

Max was messing around with magic

and brought his conscience and all of those monsters to life.

They totally interrupted my studying, and I had to come down here and fix it.

Oh, my gosh. Listen to me, I'm turning into you.

And you can't stand it, can you?

No, actually, I'm OK with it.

- You want to know why? - Why?

Because I'm this much closer to catching up to you

- in the wizard competition. - [chuckles] Great.

I accept that challenge.

[grunting]

Max, what are you doing?

I'm wrestling with my conscience.

[inaudible]

Moises, we just wanted to say how happy we are

to have you on the show and we were wondering if we could get a picture.

- Oh, sure. Of course. - Oh, great, here's the camera.

Wait, you want me to take the picture of you?

Sure, we do this with all our guest stars. Check out the photo album.

But, this is just the same exact picture.

Uh-huh, I know. Yeah.

No, see this one was taken by Jeff Garlin.

And this one was taken by Misty May-Treanor.

[all] Aw!

And then, this one is taken by Dwayne Johnson.

Really? You sure about that?

Yeah, you can see his finger in the shot a little bit.

- And it's huge. So... - Yes.

All right, come on, picture! Let's go!

[inaudible]

Smile.

[camera clicks]

- Yay! Thanks. 'Kay, bye. - Thanks. OK, bye.

Hey, Moisés, would you like to play with some props, maybe?