Original subtitles

Where is everybody?

This is the slowest dinner rush we've ever had.

Ooh, the city must have taken down

your "Last Sandwich for 40 Miles" sign.

Oh! This sandwich is amazing.

It's a pesto mayonnaise with smoked turkey

and a fancy cheese I've never heard of.

I know it's fancy, because it's not spray on.

Where did you get that?

At the new place down the street, The Late Nite Bite.

It's super close. We can go there all the time.

The only problem is it's super packed.

Not like this place. [scoffs]

There's another sandwich shop on Waverly Place? Competition?

There's no competition. Let me try that.

Mmm. Mmm. There's no competition.

Jerry, maybe we should send somebody down there

to check it out, huh?

I'll go.

No, no, no. I'll go. I need a new sandwich, anyway.

We only send you on missions of destruction.

For research and surveillance, Justin's our guy.

OK. I've got just the decoy.

I'll speak with an Australian accent.

"G'day, mate. I'd like to try

one of your shrimp on the barbie sandy-wiches... mate."

Hmm?

No, that's not an Australian accent.

I'm a master of voices. Listen.

"I'd like to try your shrimp on the barbie sandy-wich...

...mate."

That's not an accent. That's your lame Jim Carrey impression.

Yeah, but you knew who it was.

It's gonna be in my one-man show when school starts.

I'm gonna work on my impressions all summer.

All summer long, huh?

Oh, I got one. OK. Um...

All summer with no Max makes Alex a happy girl.

[whispering] Alex Russo.

♪ Well you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ And the end will no doubt justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes please ♪

♪ But you might find out it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you want by the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not ♪

♪ What it seems ♪♪

As expected, the place is very busy.

Aha!

They're open 24 hours.

I don't know why I said "Aha."

Oh! There's one of their menus.

You know there are take-out menus.

If you want a copy, the trash can out front

probably has 20 of them.

[bad accent] I take photographs of menus.

I'm an artist. An Australian menu artist.

Love your variety of sandy-wiches.

I was so on board with the whole Australian thing

until you said, "sandy-wiches."

[fake laugh] They don't say that?

I'm... I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry. I like fake accents.

[chuckles] Oh. Um... I'm Justin.

I'm Juliet.

Sorry.

Want to hear about our special?

I think I'm looking at it.

Oh, was that smooth?

You kinda ruined it by talking about it.

You're still cute, though.

Juliet, you didn't tell me we had a special visitor.

Pardon me. Aren't you the young man who works at Waverly Sub Station?

Oh, I got a sandwich there last week.

Yeah, I was on a rather bland diet

and you guys really got me through it.

- Thank you. - I'm Justin Russo.

- Oh. - And...

Lovely dress.

I've always thought people should get dressed up

to make sandwiches.

Out of respect for the profession...

...of sandwich making.

Ooh. Insincere compliments.

[chuckling] Well, I see the game is afoot.

Juliet, this boy is here to spy on our establishment.

He's not spying, Daddy. He's very nice.

He was just videotaping our menu for his...

You know, things are not looking good for you.

I'm afraid, Justin Russo,

that I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

If you don't, the consequences will be most horrible

and permanent!

Oh, honey, what did we say about the hand gestures?

Not in the restaurant.

There you go.

Here, take this.

But this has someone's phone number on it.

Yeah. It's that cute girl who works at Late Nite Bite.

Oh. I like her.

The right side of the take-out menu lists the specials.

Fangs-giving Turkey plate.

The Count of Monte Cristo Sandwich...

on... "garlic style" bread.

Hold up. "Garlic style?" "Open all night?"

"Count?" "Fangs?" They're vampires!

The Van Heusens are vampires?

That's why they had fangs.

Thought it was just a theme.

[bad accent] We've got a vampire war on our hands.

Hasta la vista,baby!

That was the Terminator!

All right, he's gone. We should pack up and move.

All right. So they're vampires?

It doesn't mean we can't beat them at their own game.

What do they got? A castle dungeon theme?

We've got a subway station theme.

All we have to do is make people feel

like they're really in a New York City subway station

when they come in here.

You know, complete the experience for them.

I'll just write that down on the white board and make it official.

All right.

This could be the worst family meeting ever.

No. No. It's coming together.

Late Nite Bite, you don't know what bear you just poked.

- I'm the bear. - Oh.

- [sighs] - Alex, I need to speak to you.

I've got a date with Juliet Van Heusen

and I need your help sneaking around Mom and Dad.

Well, you came to the right place.

You don't want to be caught dating the competition.

- What do I do? - Use magic.

- That's it? - Would you have thought of it?

- Nope. - OK, then.

All right, well, If there's nothing else,

I've got to get started on my plan

for getting Max and those annoying impressions

out of the house for the summer.

"I'll be back."

No, you won't, Max. No, you won't.

[Jerry's voice over PA] Waverly Sub Station. Next stop, delicious.

OK, and here we are.

Can we eat now?

Not yet, sir. First a little subway entertainment.

Harper, you're on.

And a one, two three...

So Romeo,

did you figure out how you're using magic to date Juliet?

Yep. I added five minutes to the break schedule.

Now when we date, it'll be for 25 minutes at a time.

You used magic to do this...?

Justin, you could have used magic to... to stop time,

freeze Mom and Dad so they can't find you,

create an alternate universe where you and Juliet can date

for a year, but it'd only be a minute of our time.

Something big and magical.

I also used it to grow two inches.

You are a wiz-idiot.

You know what?

You use magic your way, I'm gonna use it my way.

[scoffs] Fine, I will.

There.

Now you're two inches shorter, just like you used to be.

What's up, shorty?

And that's the definition of the word, "definition."

[laughing] Wait...

What would be the definition of the word, "word?"

Where have you been all my life?

If I told you, you probably wouldn't believe me.

Um, Juliet, I, uh... I know you're a vampire.

OK, so you probably would believe me.

And while we're on the subject, I know you're a wizard.

I can tell by your scent.

Sorry... I've been slicing ham.

No. No, no, your wizard scent. Part brick, part pine needle.

Vampires have a really strong sense of smell.

Stronger than werewolves, but people don't want to get past the fangs

and the blood drinking to learn the specifics.

You know, you're not how I expected vampires to be.

Well, that's because my parents wanted me

to fit in better and gave me a soul.

I have feelings.

And what do your feelings tell you?

That we should do this again.

[laughs]

But... [sighs] Your parents don't like me.

And my parents wouldn't like it if I was going out with a competitor's daughter.

You know what? I'm sorry. I don't care what Mommy and Dad have to say about this.

I am going to tell them about you.

You know what? I'm going to tell my parents, too.

Then we can have a date that lasts longer than my 25-minute break from work.

It was fun. I've never gone to the movies

just to see the coming attractions before.

Although we could have gotten a smaller popcorn.

Hey, the fun part was you.

[sighs] I don't want to say goodbye.

Neither do I.

OK, how about we count to three, turn around and walk away.

OK, I gotta go.

I'd hug you, but I don't want to get my wizard scent on you

before you tell your parents.

Thinking!

How about, um, I give you a mind hug?

OK. I'll give you one, too.

Oh... That's nice.

Romeo, Juliet, let's wrap it up with the looky-looks.

Oh, hey, Oprah.

That's not Oprah. That's Alex.

No, that's Oprah. She comes in and orders the Nosfera-Tuna.

[chuckles] It's hilarious when they call out "Oprah"

and everybody looks around and it's just me.

Oh, that's never not funny.

[laughs]

Ah! Harper. You're getting really good at that.

I am?

No. Of course not. This whole subway theme is stupid.

Mom, Dad, I've gotta talk to you about the Van Heusens.

Have you figured out a way to destroy them

and send them into the bowels of the Earth?

No, actually. Not all the Van Heusens are evil.

[Theresa] The Van Heusens are evil.

And so is anybody related to them,

friends with them, or eats at their restaurant.

Now, what did you want to tell us, honey?

That... uh...

the average temperature of an igloo is 61 degrees Fahrenheit

when there's people in it. That's ice!

That's nice, sweetie. Maybe one day you can grow up,

and buy an igloo and build a whole restaurant around it,

just like your father.

I am an entrepreneur!

Dude! you can't come clean about Juliet.

When they find out, there's gonna be chaos.

And that's the chaos I'm going to need

to cover my plan to send Max away for the summer.

There's this magical, underwater seahorse ranch that's all filled up,

but I've got him slowly moving up that wait list...

[spluttering]

Giddy-up, Max. Giddy-up!

Justin, I told my parents.

Wow, that was quick.

Didn't take long to say, "I like Justin."

And for them to say, "What?!"

How did your parents take it?

Yeah, um...

I'm gonna need another day with it.

I don't think you're going to have another day.

You might have another five seconds to squeeze it in.

What are you talking about?

We've come to reclaim our daughter!

- Who are you? - Alucard Van Heusen.

- And this is my wife, Cindy. - Hi.

Of all the sneaky tricks to use.

Sending your boy over to play with my Juliet's affections.

That is low, even for a wizard.

Like six feet in the ground low? Huh? Huh, vampire?

Honey, you may want to stay out of this one.

Prepare to meet your doom!

Oh, look. Oprah's here.

Hi, Al. Cindy.

Well, let's cut to it.

Your son needs to stay away from our daughter.

She doesn't know what she's doing.

You know, her fangs haven't even come in yet.

You're dating the competition?

Dad, we really like each other.

Oh, I get it.

You sent your daughter here to make him fall in love

as part of your sick plan... to destroy us.

How would that destroy us?

[grunts, hisses]

They're vampires!

They're handsomer, they're smarter,

they're more cunning than we are.

They're like... shaved wolves that can vote.

Daddy, Mom, the moments I've spent with Justin

have been the best 25 minutes of my life.

Well, those moments are over. Come on.

- [window thumping] - [bats squeaking]

Daddy.

Smarter than us, huh? Really?

Oh, my gosh, Justin.

You've got to get over your 25-minute girlfriend.

You know what I figured out about myself?

I fall in love fast.

But you know what's different about this time?

When I'm not with her, like...

...my heart hurts.

I believe you.

I mean, normally you pout for 30 minutes,

and then I wave an action figure in front of your face

and you're fine.

Not this time.

This is one crime Captain Jim Bob Sherwood can't solve.

Oh, my gosh, please come with me.

OK. Put these on.

- Why? - Because I'm going to help you.

Why?

Because your sadness grosses me out. OK?

There. Now you and Juliet can continue to date.

While you have the glasses on,

everybody will see you as a completely different person.

Oh, but those glasses are on a loan.

I'm going to need them back at a moment's notice.

Why?

It's a part of my plan to get rid of Max.

There's this guy coming over whose kid is number one

on the wait-list for seahorse camp.

He has to think I'm camp director.

That didn't make any sense.

That's why I need the glasses, dude.

If those words don't come out of a grown-up's mouth

we're gonna be stuck with "the Terminator" all summer.

[choking up] And I just can't...

So there we were, yelling, "The British are coming!"

You were there, in 1776, during the Revolutionary War?

I thought it was just Paul Revere.

Yeah, Paul "Check me out over here" Revere.

That guy was such an attention hog.

Oh! Hey, it's true. Vampires don't show up in mirrors.

Yeah, doing our hair is total guesswork.

But hey, I mean...

- [head clangs] - Oh, God!

Psst! Justin, it's time. Give me the glasses.

Uh. I'm in the middle of something.

Sheriff boy's father's here. It's now or never.

[gasps] Justin Russo!

Good luck, you two. I'm really rooting for you.

[hisses]

Juliet, get away from him.

We forbade you to see him.

Sorry, sir. I would never do anything to harm your daughter

or your business.

With all due respect, Mr. and Mrs. Van Heusen,

this restaurant feud is between you and my parents.

Juliet and I have nothing to do with it.

Please let us be together.

- Uh... - Mmmm...

Uh...

Oh, Come on, Alucard.

You're an old romantic softie.

Remember when we were young and in love, like, 1,000 years ago?

You can see Juliet as often as you want.

But remember, I am capable of unleashing my wrath

as long as I'm not distracted.

Hey, it's not unlimited sauces. You get one.

Way to unleash that wrath.

You've inspired me, Mr. and Mrs. Van Heusen.

I'm sure when my parents see how happy I am with Juliet

they'll be just as accepting as you are.

Absolutely not.

What are you thinking?

Those people are trying to steal our business!

The Van Heusens were accepting, loving and tolerant of us.

And they sleep in coffins!

I could have never seen this coming.

Alex, you are officially the good child in the family.

- "Good child?" - Mm-hm.

You're calling me the good child?

Think about that. What has Justin done wrong?

He fell in love with somebody. Big deal.

I'm the one who's been trying to get Max sent off

to an undersea camp for the summer.

You're trying to get rid of your brother?

Yeah, but it didn't really work out.

The, uh, wizard kid's father actually was a wizard cop.

He recognized my voice from something else

you don't want to know about.

Look, Daddy, Justin should be allowed to date Juliet

and you guys should be focused on punishing me

for what I almost did to Max, and the other thing that I did.

She's right, Jerry.

Our feud with the Van Heusens has blinded us

to something a little more important.

Our son's happiness.

Justin, Juliet... You guys can date.

[both] Yes! Whoo!

- [Juliet] So it's official. - Not until...

...I write it on the white board.

Some people might find that weird,

but I just think it's charming.

I'll hold the marker cap.

What's going on?

Alex almost sent you away to an undersea camp

where everyone rides seahorses.

I would love that!

Oh, Alex, you're really great.

I'm gonna work on an impression of you all summer.

Max, please. I'm begging you not to.

"Max, please. I'm begging you not to."

Please leave me alone.

"Please leave me alone."

- Stop it! - "Stop it!"

- Stop! - "Stop!"