Original subtitles

This is the best video game ever.

- Jab, jab, jab... roundhouse! - Backflip!

- [both] Jab! - Hey! How many times have I told you guys

- to keep video games video? - I told them and I told them, Dad.

Sword!

Oh! That is not what they mean by "slashing prices."

Cool swords. Let me try.

Wow, you look nice, Dad.

I didn't even know you had a suit.

I don't. Kick, kick, nose pull.

Well, that suit does fit you a little tight...

Hey, that's my suit!

That reminds me. Justin, I need to borrow your suit.

I'm taking your mother out to dinner for our anniversary.

Oh. Did you get her a card? Because while Mom's reading it,

you can slip the waiter your coupon.

My lamp! What is going on in here?

Yeah. What is going on in here?

I thought we had a rule about wizardry.

The random magic in this house is getting on my nerves.

How many times does this lamp have to break for you guys to get the message?

If the message is, "Ugly lamps are easy to break," I think we got it.

Your mother's right.

We have to be more considerate of someone

who doesn't understand the temptations of magic.

Doesn't understand? Wait, are you trying to make this my problem?

[all] Oh!

No. I was just saying that... there... What was I saying?

Uh, what Dad is saying is that we should accept each other for who we are.

Kind of like Dad did when he married you.

Yeah. I was a wizard at the time, and it was a big decision for me.

Oh. I'm sorry, Jerry. I had no idea it was such a big decision for you to marry me.

[all] Oh!

No! It wasn't a big decision. It was more of an impulse.

No. Impulse is not helping.

Let me know how your anniversary dinner turns out.

[all] Oh!

♪ Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ That the end will no doubt justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease Yes, please ♪

♪ You might find out it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you want by the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not ♪

♪ What it seems ♪♪

Listen up, because of your magic run amok,

I have to go out and get some "I'm sorry" gifts for your mother.

[scoffs] Dad, come on!

Mom's really easy.

Why don't you just rub her feet? That's what I do.

Oh! That's just weird.

Really? 'Cause I don't have a bedtime.

I'm not gonna rub her feet.

That crooked toe just freaks me out.

Your mom will be fine once I buy her some of her favorite things.

- Ooh! I know what you should get her. - You do?

Peach lip gloss and skull and bones press-on-nails.

That's what you want. You're no help.

Dad can relax. I went on the World Wide WizWeb this morning

and ordered Cupid to come shoot Mom with a love arrow.

You ordered Cupid?! Oh, that makes perfect sense.

Mom's mad that we're using magic in the house.

So, naturally, you bring more magic into the house.

Oh, brilliant.

OK, OK. Everybody stop yelling. I'll cancel the Cupid order.

When people are right, it doesn't mean they're yelling.

You can't cancel Cupid once he's been ordered.

You'd know if you took it upon yourself to read ahead, like a good student does.

- Oh, did you read about the recipe for wizard punch? - No.

- Good, I just made it. - Ow!

Oh, wizard punch. I'll bet that's delicious.

Well, you've got a problem. When Cupid gets here,

he isn't gonna leave until he fulfills his order.

[Cupid] Yep. Your brother's right.

So who's the lucky guy or gal... or thing? I don't judge.

Oh, look. It's a baby with wings. And a carrying handle.

Back off. It's a sash, genius.

Oh, this kid is gonna need me when he grows up. I can just tell.

Look, Mr. Cupid, I ordered you by mistake.

And, um, we really don't need your services,

- so if you could go back... - Save it, sweetheart.

I can't go anywhere until your mom gets an arrow in the keister.

OK, fine. Just shoot Mom in the keister and get out of here.

Hey, look, it's bendy!

No, it's not.

You broke my arrow!

You have more arrows, right?

I'm a baby! I'm barely allowed to have this one!

[Cupid] Hey, hey, hey!

Don't leave me in here! I'm afraid to be alone!

OK, we've got to keep Cupid hidden from Mom until we fix the arrow.

- We? I don't think so. - Hey!

If she sees him, she'll blame me.

Then I'll figure out a way to blame you. We're all in this together.

Come on, I'm always saying dumb stuff.

Our marriage is based on us ignoring each other's flaws. I ignore all of yours.

[all] Oh!

What are you guys up to?

Uh, not magic, that's for sure.

Yeah, Mom, 'cause you know me. I always tell you when these guys mess around with magic.

Always.

- Is he gonna tell her? - Sh!

- Tell me what? - [Cupid crying]

Uh... about Max's terrible stomach ache.

- His really, really bad stomach ache. - [crying]

In fact, there's a new virus going around.

- TheInflu cupidosa. - Subtle.

- I panicked! - Oh,mijito!

Come on, let's go upstairs. I'll make you some of Grandma's tree bark and fish oil tea.

[sobbing] You...

What are we gonna do now? We still have Cupid.

You said, "we." You're officially in. Awesome!

Every time.

OK. Mom's still upstairs.

I made extra tree bark and fish oil tea. Who wants some?

Maybe later.

Oh, goodness!

Uh...

What are you doing, playing in the dirty dishes?

Bad baby!

Hi. Do you watching my little brother for one second?

Oh! Cute baby!

[scoffs] Sure, the baby's cute. But look at me, Mom. I'm way cuter.

Hi, Alex. Look what I knitted for Justin.

Oh! That's interesting.

And it smells like shampoo.

- It's a sweater entirely made of my hair. - Oh!

- Feel how soft it is. - Uh...

I take your word for it.

He's upstairs with Max, trying to fix Cupid's arrow.

OK. Thanks. Notice how I didn't react when you said Cupid?

It's my way of acting cool with having a wizard as a best friend,

even though I'm freaking out inside.

Kind of like how I didn't freak out when you said, "hair sweater."

Thank you for watching him.

There. Good as new.

Now, Cupid can shoot Mom, she'll love Dad and then go home.

Know what? We are really good at this!

We should open up Cupid's Arrow Repair Shop.

There's only one Cupid. He has only one arrow.

Oh, yeah. Good point.

We should also sell burgers. Babies love burgers.

Hi, guys. Justin, what do you think of this?

Um, it's kind of nice. Ooh!

It's really soft, too.

Great, because I knitted it for you from my own hair. It's 100 percent me!

Oh...

I know. You don't have to say anything.

[laughs] Look, Harper, I know you've had a crush, obsession,

on me for a really long time,

but I think it's about that time I was completely honest with you...

Harper, I am never, ever, ever going to...

[gasps] Ah!

...love you more than I do right now.

Uh-oh.

Oh, Justin. This is the best day of my life!

I should've made you a hair sweater years ago.

I would've been happier and warmer if you had.

Max! What did you do?

Maybe Dad's right. I shouldn't have a BB gun.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth... Oh!

- This'll be more romantic with the sweater on. - Uh, Harper.

Look, I hate to burst your bubble here,

but Justin's only acting like that because Max just shot him with Cupid's love arrow.

Gosh, I guess you're right.

It's not real love if it comes from his butt and not his heart.

Mi amor,let's go for a carriage ride around Central Park.

But I don't care!

- Where's your mother? - Ah, Father. Thank you.

For my lady love.

Oh, yes!

Why is he acting like he's in love with Harper?

What are you doing with an arrow? And why are you holding a baby?

Love... Arrow... Baby... That's Cupid!

So you wanted to use magic to solve a problem that started because you used magic?

Yeah. That's kind of what I do.

- What's that? - Um... a baby.

Hold still, or the baby gets it.l

Who's the baby? Oh! I'm the baby!

OK, Alex. Why do you have a baby?

Uh... It's a baby... doll...

...from my Marriage and Family class. Yes.

- [Cupid burps] - Excuse me.

You know what, Alex? I think it's good you're taking Marriage and Family.

You're never too young to learn how to get along with someone

who makes it very difficult to get along with.

You are so right, Mom. I'm gonna take this doll up to my room

and think of ways for Dad to appreciate you more.

Wait a minute. Isn't your open house at school this Friday?

I want to meet your Marriage and Family teacher.

[both] Why?

I have some personal stories to share

about what marriage and family life are like

once you get past the pretty pictures in bridal magazines.

- I fixed it! - Oh! Maxy, I told you, don't play with arrows.

They're dangerous, honey.

Someone could get stuck with this and then where would we be?

Closer to the end of our problem.

Phew! That was close.

Uh... you don't really have Marriage and Family class, do you?

I love how you know me.

I want to get a drink of water, Justy.

I only thirst for you, Harpy.

Does that mean you don't want any water?

No. I want water, too. We should share everything.

Ah, the waters of love.

Hey, Justin. Missed you at Alien Language League.

[speaks alien language] You know what I'm sayin'? [laughs]

I'm sorry, Zeke. I'm done with your childish things.

- I've found love. - [laughs] With who?

With me! Hello? Arm? He's wearing my hair.

Yeah, dude, what's up with that sweater?

You look like the floor of a barber shop.

Zeke, you've insulted my woman's honor.

We will settle this like gentlemen:

Water balloon fight at 30 paces.

I can't throw 30 paces.

That's 'cause you throw like a... [alien language]

I do not throw like a [alien language]

Hey, everybody! There's gonna be a fight outside! Over me!

OK, my little Marriage and Family folk.

I hope you can rope your noggins around today's lesson:

Smart Shopping with Coupons.

There's no better way to get more bang for your buck than with...

[Cupid crying] I'm bored!

Shh!

Who's that back in the south 40? Alex Russo, you are not in this class.

No, Mr. Laritate, I'm not.

But it's always been my dream to be in this class.

And I think a dedicated teacher like you would want to help me realize my dreams.

[sniffs]

I smell someone trying to sell me some cow patty.

Come on. I really want to be in this class.

I even brought my own pretend baby.

Which is huge, because anybody who knows me knows I never come prepared.

Look, Miss Russo, I'm always partial to enthusiasm,

but the train's already pulled out of the station on this one.

We did that assignment last month.

But Mr. Laritate, how can you say no to this little guy?

[buzzing]

What? Bad baby! No!

I gave it a shot.

A shaving baby doll?

They've officially run out of toys.

Ma chérie.

[French accent] A quiet tête a tête over a romantic dinner.

Thanks, but it's only 3:30 in the afternoon.

[chuckles] It's never too early for romance.

Bubbly a la orange?

Justin, the French thing is nice but a little corny.

You're right! I must go learn the new language of love for you,

which is... Cantonese.

Come on, Albert. Let's go learn it.

Thank goodness you're here. I thought my dream had come true,

but Justin won't let me out of his sight. He's got his arm around me so much

that my shoulder is starting to smell like his armpit. Here, smell.

Ah! No need. I'm not gonna fight you on that.

I don't think I can live like this forever.

[Cupid] Forever? No.

Love from my arrow is only temporary.

Wait! This is temporary? Why didn't you tell me that?

I'm a baby. I forget things.

Hey, look! I got a belly button. [laughs]

Dad, bad news. I couldn't get into Marriage and Family class.

It's OK. I think your mom forgot

about talking to your teacher at open house.

Oh, that's right. Tonight is your open house.

Thanks for reminding me, Jerry.

Yeah, thanks for reminding her, Dad.

I fixed it!

Max, what did I tell you about playing with arrows?

Oh, sorry.

Harper!

What are you doing down there?

Bring it in.

You're never gonna believe this,

but I signed up for scrapbooking.

And I made one about us. Check it out!

Justin, you're taking all the fun out of my unrequited, twisted obsession for you.

Leave me alone! I'm the one who makes the scrapbooks in this relationship!

Harper!

Hey, Justin. [speaks alien language] Harper!

[all laugh]

What? I don't [alien language] Harper!

Ah! No, no, no! Zeke! Guys! Wait up!

[alien language]

There's my Justin.

And you used to "da-ca" me.

Dad, where's Mom? You were supposed to keep an eye on her

so she wouldn't go to my class.

- I lost her by the cupcakes. - Dad, cupcakes?

All right. I got lost in the cupcakes.

- Where's Max? - I...

I sent him to wood shop so he could fix Cupid's arrow.

Let's go.

...which is why I tell your ducklings that...

Oh, no. Mom beat us here.

...from the rooster's crow to the coyote's howl.

- [laughter] - You got that right, partner.

Even raising the inconsiderate rooster is a job.

Mrs. Russo? Why are you here?

I had thoughts on marriage and family

which you might find interesting.

Yeah, but your daughter isn't in...

Theresa, why don't we come back when Mr. Laritate has more time to talk.

Here's an article about how difficult it can be

when two very different people get married and now they're afraid their mother was right.

I fixed it!

What took you so long?

Oh, would you just...

OK, this is it.

Cupid, it's time to save the day with a perfect shot at Mom.

Take the shot! Go!

Oh, just shoot!

Oh, no. What did you do?

[Cupid] Hey, kid, did you balance the arrow

- after you fixed it? - Yeah.

It felt heavy on one side, so I took the decorations off.

You have the most beautiful eyes. What color are they?

Um... thank you. They're brown, I think.

Yeah, they're definitely brown.

Great. Thanks a lot, Cupid.

Now, I'm gonna have to start calling that old lady Mom.

I am not rubbing her feet.

[Cupid] Relax. Look over there.

So, brown eyes, are you allowed to drive at night?

Only to take you back to the rest home, black eyes!

- My eyes aren't black. - Keep flirting with my husband and you'll get there.

[Cupid] You know, sometimes jealousy

works better than a love arrow.

Well, Mom and Dad didn't get back together the way I thought, but this will work.

Come on, Mom. Let's go hear my PE teacher tell you how I hate to run. It'll be fun.

You're mine. Don't you forget that.

So, you to tell me, he's not going to leave until I get shot in the butt with an arrow?

[all] Yeah, that's right.

I really hate magic. Give me that.

Ow!

Oh! I love you guys.

[Cupid] Works for me.

- We love you, too, Mom. - Let's test it.

Jerry, how could you let the kids break my lamp again?!

And she's back.