Original subtitles

YO! HAPPY-GO-TRASHY! COME BACK HERE!

DON'T YOU SEE ME SWEEPING?

WHAT WOULD YOUR MOTHER SAY IF SHE SAW YOU DO THAT, HUH?

MAMA WOULD BE MAD.

THAT'S RIGHT, MAMA WOULD BE MAD, AND SO AM I.

NOW, PICK THAT UP.

AND THAT CUP, TOO.

OK. THANK YOU FOR EATING AT WAVERLY SUB STATION.

COME AGAIN.

HEY, ALEX.

TA-DA!

OH. YOU PICKED UP ALL THE TRASH ON THE WAY OVER HERE.

JUST THROW IT IN THE CAN.

NO, SILLY. THIS IS A NECKLACE I DESIGNED FOR YOU.

A LITTLE SOMETHING TO SAY THANKS FOR BEING MY BEST FRIEND.

UH...

NO, I'M NOT WEARING THAT.

WHY NOT?

WELL, BECAUSE IT'S--

IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL AND...

YOU SHOULD SELL IT.

OK. THAT WILL BE $35.

NO.

I MEANT ON WAVERLY PLACE, LIKE THESE GUYS.

OK. AND WHATEVER WE DON'T SELL, WE CAN WEAR TO SCHOOL.

SCHOOL. BIG JEWELRY SALE THIS SATURDAY.

PLEASE DON'T MISS IT. PLEASE.

HAPPY-GO-TRASHY! BUY YOUR MAMA SOMETHING NICE. NO?

♪ WELL, YOU KNOW EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE A BREEZE ♪

♪ THAT THE END WILL NO DOUBT JUSTIFY THE MEANS ♪

♪ YOU CAN FIX ANY PROBLEM WITH THE SLIGHTEST OF EASE ♪

♪ YES, PLEASE ♪

♪ BUT YOU MIGHT FIND OUT IT'LL GO TO YOUR HEAD ♪

♪ WHEN YOU WRITE A REPORT ON A BOOK YOU NEVER READ ♪

♪ WITH A SNAP OF YOUR FINGERS, YOU CAN MAKE YOUR BED ♪

♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪ ♪ AHH ♪

♪ EVERYTHING IS NOT WHAT IT SEEMS ♪

♪ WHEN YOU CAN GET ALL YOU WANTED ♪

♪ IN YOUR WILDEST DREAMS ♪

♪ YOU MIGHT RUN INTO TROUBLE IF YOU GO TO EXTREMES ♪

♪ BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS NOT WHAT IT SEEMS ♪

♪ AHH ♪

♪ EVERYTHING IS NOT WHAT IT SEEMS ♪

♪ WHEN YOU CAN HAVE WHAT YOU WANT BY THE SIMPLEST OF MEANS ♪

♪ 1, 2 ♪

♪ BE CAREFUL NOT TO MESS WITH THE BALANCE OF THINGS ♪

♪ BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS NOT ♪

♪ WHAT IT SEEMS ♪

[LAUGHTER]

SO YOU KIDS ARE TELLING THE BABE

THAT HOT DOGS IS BAD FOR YOU?

WELL, WHAT'S A FELLA EAT FOR BREAKFAST?

BEEF JERKY AND A BOWL OF SYRUP.

I CALL IT...

BEEF JERKY AND A BOWL OF SYRUP.

[LAUGHS]

ALEX, PUT HIM BACK IN THE PICTURE BEFORE DAD GETS HERE.

OH, LIGHTEN UP. IF HE WAS OBI-WAN KENOBI,

YOU'D BE ALL INTO IT.

LIFE-SIZE OBI-WAN.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

OH! SIT DOWN.

HI.

ALEX. WHAT DID WE SAY ABOUT TAKING PEOPLE OUT OF PICTURES?

WE SAY, "YAY, HOORAY.

ALEX IS SO FUN AND CREATIVE."

BABE, ALWAYS A PLEASURE. I AM A BIG FAN.

NOW, PUT HIM BACK IN THE PICTURE.

FINE.

[SIGHS]

PICTURES AND FACES, RETURN TO YOUR PLACE--

OH, I DON'T KNOW THE REST.

YOU NEED TO KNOW THE EXACT TIME AND PLACE TO FINISH THE SPELL.

I NEED TO KNOW STUFF? JUSTIN'S DEPARTMENT.

YANKEE STADIUM, 1929.

WOW. YOU EVEN MAKE SPORTS NOT SOUND COOL.

[MOCK LAUGHTER]

[EXHALES] PICTURES OF FACES, RETURN TO YOUR PLACES.

YANKEE STADIUM, 1929.

Jerry: OK.

NOW, TODAY'S LESSON IS ABOUT MAKING AN OBJECT

PASS THROUGH SOMETHING SOLID.

JUSTIN. SAY "GO THROUGH MOTHRU" ON MY HOCKEY STICK.

OK.

[EXHALES] GO THROUGH MOTHRU.

OK. NOW, MY HOCKEY STICK IS CHARMED.

WATCH.

OH!

[GIGGLES] THAT TICKLES. STOP. STOP.

AWESOME! LET ME TRY!

OH! ALEX!

[GIGGLES]

NOT THE SPLEEN! NOT MY SPLEEN!

[LAUGHS]

[BELL RINGS]

UM, MISS RUSSO, WE HAVE A PROBLEM. I'D LIKE A WORD, PLEASE.

YEAH, SURE, MISS MARINOVICH.

HOW ABOUT THE WORD "LUNCH"?

I KNOW IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

UM...

YOU HAVEN'T SIGNED UP FOR SATURDAY'S

ART HISTORY FIELD TRIP TO THE MUSEUM.

AND IF YOU DON'T GO, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE

TO REPEAT MY CLASS THIS SUMMER.

AND I AM BEGGING YOU,

PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME TEACH A CLASS WITH JUST YOU IN IT.

OH, BELIEVE ME.

SUMMER SCHOOL IS NOT PART OF MY PLANS.

AND NEITHER IS THE MUSEUM.

I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO A DIFFERENT ART EXHIBIT.

MY FRIEND HARPER IS MAKING JEWELRY, AND WE'RE SELLING IT.

IF YOU LIKE MACARONI AND GLITTER, I CAN GET YOU SOME AWESOME EARRINGS.

BUT THE FIELD TRIP IS WORTH 30% OF YOUR GRADE.

PLEASE, I'M ON MY KNEES! DON'T FAIL!

OH. I MISSED MY MATH FIELD TRIP LAST SATURDAY.

SO, 30%. IS THAT A LOT?

IT'S A LOT.

LISTEN.

I NEED YOU TO WATCH ALEX AND MAKE SURE I GET MY SUMMER VACATION.

I WILL SEE TO IT THAT SHE'S AT THE MUSEUM ON SATURDAY.

[WHISPERS] Thank you.

AHH. WHEN YOU SAID SHE,

I REALLY HOPE YOU DIDN'T MEAN ME, 'CAUSE--[SCOFFS]

THIS IS RUSSO!

OOH! I'M OPEN! I'M OPEN!

OH!

OOH.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO TELL YOUR MOTHER?

ALL RIGHT. UM, I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS.

UM...

WE'LL MESS UP A BUNCH OF OTHER STUFF

AND SAY WE WERE ROBBED.

WHAT HAPPENED?

[GASPS] MY LAMP!

[SIGHS] WE WERE THROWING THE BALL.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE ROBBERY?

WE DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO MESS STUFF UP.

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I SAID

NO THROWING THE BALL INSIDE THE HOUSE, GUYS?

HOW MANY LAMPS HAVE WE BROKEN?

3.

AT LEAST 3 TIMES.

WE'RE SORRY.

OH, NOT YET, YOU'RE NOT.

AFTER I GET A MASSAGE AND A PEDICURE

AND WHATEVER ELSE I WANT THAT I DON'T NEED,

THEN YOU'LL BE SORRY.

MAN, THIS IS BOGUS.

WHAT'S THE POINT OF HAVING A FOAM FOOTBALL

IF IT STILL BREAKS STUFF?

EXACTLY. YOU KNOW,

SOMEONE SHOULD JUST COME UP WITH A BALL

THAT CAN FLY THROUGH STUFF.

UH, AND I THINK THAT SOMEONE IS US, HUH?

I DON'T KNOW WHY WE'RE NODDING.

GO THROUGH MOTHRU.

OHH, NOW I GET WHY WE'RE NODDING.

[CHUCKLES]

OK. THAT'S ENOUGH NODDING.

OK. HERE.

[GRUNTS]

GO THROUGH MOTHRU.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S GIVE IT A TRY. HEY, BLOCK THE DOOR.

HERE IT COMES!

SWEET! IT WORKED!

OH! OK. PASS IT BACK.

WHOA! [CHUCKLES]

I GOT IT!

[GRUNTS AND THUDS]

IT'S JUST THE FOOTBALL, MAX, NOT YOU.

OHH.

HELLO, MISS MARINOVICH.

MR. KISS-UP-OVICH.

I'M HERE, AS YOU CAN PLAINLY SEE.

NO GETTING AROUND THE FACT THAT I AM HERE.

FEEL FREE TO PUT A LITTLE CHECK BY MY NAME 'CAUSE I'M HERE.

NOW, I'LL BE WAY OVER THERE.

YOU MIGHT NOT SEE ME FOR A WHILE

BECAUSE I'LL BE DEEP INSIDE THE MUSEUM SOAKING IT ALL IN.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SOAK IN,

AS LONG AS YOU PASS MY CLASS

AND WE'RE NOT STARING AT EACH OTHER IN SUMMER SCHOOL.

BECAUSE THIS IS HOW I STARE.

GO THROUGH MOTHRU.

[COUGHS]

OK, EVERYONE. MAKE SURE YOU GET ONE OF THESE HANDOUTS.

YOU HAVE TO FILL IT WITH HISTORICAL FACTS.

IT'S WORTH 30% OF YOUR GRADE.

ALEX?

ALEX?

[WHISPERS] Alex!

OH, GOOD, YOU'RE HERE! NOW WE CAN OPEN FOR BUSINESS.

UM, HARPER, I DON'T THINK WE NEED TO SAY HOMEMADE.

PEOPLE WILL JUST KNOW.

WAIT A MINUTE. IS THIS A KNOB FROM MY DRESSER?

OH. HERE COMES OUR FIRST CUSTOMER.

ALREADY?

THIS WILL BE EASY. GOOD MORNING, MA'AM.

MORNING. CAN I TAKE ALL THIS?

ALL OF IT?

YEAH. I'LL TAKE IT ALL.

THAT'D BE GREAT!

HEY, RALPH! BRING THE TRUCK!

WE GOT A LOAD OF TRASH OVER HERE.

[TRUCK ENGINE STARTS] WHAT? NO!

THIS ISN'T TRASH. IT'S FINE JEWELRY.

REALLY.

HEY, RALPH!

DID YOU KNOW WE'VE BEEN DRIVING AROUND

IN A JEWELRY STORE?

[HORN HONKS]

OH, GOOD JOB, BY THE WAY.

OH. UH, NEXT TIME, DON'T USE RED PEN.

I USE RED PEN WHEN I GRADE.

THAT'S KIND OF WHY I BECAME A TEACHER'S ASSISTANT.

HEY. THAT WAS SOME GREAT ART.

HARD TO PICK A FAVORITE. IT WAS ALL SO GREAT.

SAVE IT, DITCHER.

DITCHER?

YEAH. YOU DITCHED. I'M CALLING YOU A DITCHER.

GOT A PROBLEM?

THERE'S ONLY ONE TINY FLAW WITH YOUR PLAN,

AND IT'S CALLED A WORKSHEET.

A WORKSHEET?

I'D HURRY, 'CAUSE THE MUSEUM CLOSES IN, LIKE, 5 MINUTES.

[WHISPERS] 5 minutes.

[SCOFFS]

5 MINUTES? I WOULDN'T KNOW THIS STUFF IN 5 HOURS.

BUT... BUT THEY MIGHT.

FRAMES OF FIGURES, STEP OUT OF YOUR PICTURE.

OK. GATHER AROUND, PEOPLE. GATHER AROUND. COME HERE.

[SCREAMS]

WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?

HE'S THE SCREAM.

WELL, I GOT A NEW NICKNAME FOR YOU. IT'S QUIET GUY, OK?

ALL RIGHT. I'M GOING TO SKIP THE INTRODUCTIONS

'CAUSE I GOT TO FILL OUT THIS STUPID WORKSHEET

AND BLAST RIGHT OUT OF HERE. SO,

WHICH ONE OF YOU IS THE DUTCH BOY WEARING A BLUE COSTUME

THAT WOULD BE ME.

OH. OK. AND THE NAME OF YOUR PAINTING IS...

BLUE BOY.

[SCOFFS] THIS IS GOING TO BE EASY.

ALL RIGHT. UH.

FROWNING WOMAN, CRAZY GUY,

GUY WITH ONE EAR.

SEE THAT?

SHE'S JUST GOING TO USE US

AND THEN SEND US RIGHT BACK

INTO THOSE DINGY, STIFF, BORING PAINTINGS

FOR WHO KNOWS HOW MANY MORE CENTURIES.

I SAY WE TAKE A VACATION.

WAIT. FINE, FINE.

IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HELP ME WITH MY WORKSHEET,

THEN YOU'RE JUST ALL GOING BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM.

GO. [SCOFFS] I'M DONE TAKING SHORTCUTS.

I'M GOING TO DO IT THE HARD WAY.

I'M GOING TO COPY OFF NELLIE RODRIGUEZ.

PICTURES WITH FACES, RETURN TO YOUR PLACES--

WAIT. I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU'RE FROM.

[ALL LAUGH]

Woman over P.A.: ATTENTION. WE WILL BE CLOSING IN 5 MINUTES.

OK. DON'T PANIC.

[KEYS JANGLE AND LOCK CLICKS]

GO AHEAD, SCREAM. PANIC.

[SCREAMS]

[ALL TALK AT ONCE]

COME ON, YOU GUYS. WE'RE LOCKED IN THE MUSEUM.

LET'S--LET'S HAVE A SLUMBER PARTY

AND, YOU KNOW, GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT MYSELF,

AND YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF--

FOR EXAMPLE, I'M ALEX.

I WAS MADE IN 1992 IN NEW YORK CITY. WHERE WERE YOU MADE?

UGH. YOU TALK SO MUCH, I'M GLAD MY EAR'S GONE.

CHEESE IT! ELAINE'S COMING.

[GASPS]

WHO'S ELAINE?

SHE'S A SECURITY GUARD

WHO'S ALWAYS SHINING HER LIGHT IN HER EYES.

OH.

Mona Lisa: HIDE!

[KEYS JANGLE]

MAN. IT'S LIKE HER EYES FOLLOW YOU.

OK. WE ARE CLOSED. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

UM, PULL ALL THE PLASTIC UTENSILS

OUT OF THE TRASH AND WASH THEM?

[SCOFFS]

ALREADY DONE.

NOW, IT'S KICK-OFF TIME.

I'M GOING LONG!

WHOA!

NICE ONE.

NOW, YOU GO LONG.

AND BY LONG, I MEAN UP.

AHH, NICE.

HUT, HUT!

OH, HI, MAX.

NO!

WHAT?

HEY, MAXIE! DID YOU CATCH THE--

FLU? UH...

I HEAR IT'S GOING AROUND.

OH, GOSH, IT IS?

WELL, IT'S A GOOD THING I MADE

MY CHICKEN [INDISTINCT] SOUP, THEN.

COME ON. IT'S DONE.

DID SHE SEE THE BALL?

NO. IT WENT INTO THE SOUP.

HERE YOU GO, GUYS.

DIG IN.

[CHUCKLES]

HOW IS IT? IT'S MY SECRET RECIPE.

YEP. THERE'S A SECRET IN THERE, ALL RIGHT.

HEY, HARPER. I SEE YOU'RE SELLING...

HMM. WHAT ARE YOU SELLING?

JEWELRY, SILLY.

HERE. I EVEN MADE A RING FOR YOU.

[CHUCKLES] WOW.

THAT'S QUITE AN UNUSUAL STONE, HARPER. WHAT IS IT?

[SCOFFS] IT'S NOT A STONE. IT'S A PEACH PIT

'CAUSE I THINK YOU'RE PEACHY.

RIGHT.

[CELL PHONE RINGS] OH.

HEY, ALEX.

WHAT? YOU'RE LOCKED IN THE MUSEUM.

THE PAINTINGS? A SECURITY GUARD?

I SHOULD STOP REPEATING WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?

OH.

RIGHT. OK. ON MY WAY.

YEAH. SO I JUST NEED A MINUTE, SIR, TO FIND MY SWEATER.

YOU'RE NOT AN ART THIEF, ARE YOU?

NO, SIR. NO ART THIEF. JUST A TEACHER'S ASSISTANT.

ALEX! ALEX, WHERE ARE YOU?

HEY. WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT'S UP? [GASPS]

OH, NO.

OH NO.

ALEX, YOU'LL RUIN SOME OF THE GREATEST ARTWORK IN HISTORY!

VAN GOGH, BLUE BOY.

I'M SORRY. WHO ARE YOU AGAIN?

[SCREAMS]

OH, YEAH. THE SCREAM.

HEY, QUIET GUY, ZIP IT!

LOOK, YOU JUST HAVE TO SEND THEM BACK, PLEASE?

BUT THEN, YOU WOULDN'T LEARN ANYTHING.

YOU GOT TO DO THIS YOURSELF.

JUSTIN, THAT COULD TAKE ALL NIGHT.

WELL, IT CAN'T TAKE THAT LONG,

'CAUSE THE SECURITY GUARD

ONLY GAVE ME 5 MINUTES TO FIND MY SWEATER.

EVERYBODY, SPREAD OUT.

WE'VE GOT TO FIND JUSTIN'S SWEATER.

MMM. THAT WAS DELICIOUS. DID YOU GUYS LIKE IT?

ARE YOU KIDDING? IT WAS SPECTACULAR!

AWW.

LOVED IT.

YEAH, WE ATE ALL OF IT,

ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM.

[CHUCKLES]

AND THERE'S NOTHING ELSE IN THERE.

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

NOTHING.

[NO AUDIO]

IT WASN'T SPICY, HONEY.

WELL, YEAH.

YOU THINK WE'RE GOING TO BE OK?

OH!

WE ARE IN NO WAY OK.

IF WE EAT THE SPELL, WE GET THE SPELL.

JERRY.

UH, WE CAN EXPLAIN.

WE WERE ROBBED?

UH, WE PUT A SPELL ON THE BALL

SO WE COULD THROW IT THROUGH STUFF WITHOUT BREAKING ANYTHING.

AND IT FLEW INTO THE SOUP, AND WE ATE THE SOUP,

AND, UH, THAT IS WHY

YOU'RE STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ISLAND.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS KIND OF FUN.

SO YOU'RE NOT MAD?

WELL, NOT LIKE I'D WANT TO YELL AT YOU WAY.

IN LIKE I WANT TO CHASE YOU KIND OF WAY.

OH--RUN! [SQUEALS]

[WHOOPING]

PICTURES WITH FACES, RETURN TO YOUR PLACES--

WAIT A MINUTE. ARE THOSE SHOES TOO SMALL?

AHH.

I KNOW. I HATE SHOES THAT MAKE ME WANT TO SCREAM.

NOW, YOU'RE READY TO GO.

PICTURES WITH FACES, RETURN TO YOUR PLACES.

OSLO, NORWAY, 1893.

OK.

THAT LEAVES US WITH THE MONA LISA.

[DOOR RATTLING]

[STAMMERING]

OK. THE MONA LISA. AND SHE WAS PAINTED BY LEONARDO...

DiCAPRIO.

Da VINCI! Da VINCI.

I'LL DO IT. TIME TO GO HOME, MONA LISA.

PICTURES WITH FACES, RETURN TO YOUR PLACES.

ITALIAN RENAISSANCE, 15--

NO! WAIT!

PLEASE, DON'T SEND ME BACK. PLEASE.

BUT YOU HAVE TO GO BACK!

YOU'RE ONE OF THE GREATEST ART TREASURES IN HISTORY.

WELL, IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE IT.

MY ENTIRE LIFE, ALL I EVER HEARD ANYONE SAY ABOUT ME IS,

"WHY DID Da VINCI PAINT HER?

SHE'S SO PLAIN. YOU CALL THAT A SMILE?"

Harper: OH, YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THESE EARRINGS, ELAINE.

THEY'RE STRUNG FROM A STRING THAT ONCE HELD TOGETHER A DELICIOUS ROAST BEEF.

YOU FIND YOUR SWEATER YET, TEACHER'S ASSISTANT?

OH. NO. NOT YET.

WELL, YOU GOT 2 MINUTES,

OR YOU'RE GOING HOME CHILLY.

THERE YOU ARE, ALEX.

GOOD THING JUSTIN REPEATED EVERYTHING YOU SAID ON THE PHONE.

OH, HELLO. I'M HARPER.

OH, HI. MONA LISA.

DO I KNOW YOU? YOU LOOK REALLY FAMILIAR.

SHE'S NOT FROM HERE.

SHE'S FROM ITALY. FLORENCE, I THINK.

[WHISPERS] Very good.

HARPER, THAT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL NECKLACE I HAVE EVER SEEN.

IT IS?

IT IS.

AND...

IT REALLY BRINGS OUT YOUR SMILE.

THAT IS A SMILE, RIGHT?

YES. THANK YOU! [LAUGHS]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

SENDING HER BACK HAPPY.

HARPER, WHY DON'T YOU SHOW MONA THE MATCHING EARRINGS?

OH, YEAH! YOU'LL LOVE THEM.

PICTURES WITH FACES, RETURN TO YOUR PLACES.

ITALIAN RENAISSANCE, 1502.

HERE THEY ARE! [CHUCKLES]

WHERE DID MONA GO?

UM, SHE WAS SO EXCITED ABOUT THE NECKLACE

THAT SHE WANTED TO GO SHOW HER FRIEND LEO.

SHE OWES ME $35 FOR THAT.

WHAT! A NECKLACE ON MONA LISA?

NO, NO, NO. THAT IS NOT WHAT Da VINCI INTENDED.

RELAX. SHE LOOKS GREAT.

AND THAT'S ALMOST A SMILE.

YOU PUT A $35 NECKLACE ON A $40 MILLION PAINTING.

WELL, NOW IT'S WORTH $40,000,035 DOLLARS.

JUSTIN, JUST SAY IT'S COOL.

[SIGHS]

IT'S COOL.

AND, I'M--

I'M SORRY THAT I MAKE FUN OF YOU FOR KNOWING STUFF.

YOU'RE APOLOGIZING?

WILL YOU SAY THAT TOMORROW AT SCHOOL

IN FRONT OF A BUNCH OF MY FRIENDS?

NO.

DIDN'T THINK SO.

GOOD. YOU'RE HOME. SIT DOWN.

LOOK, I CAN EXPLAIN.

I'M HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE IN ART HISTORY.

YEAH. WHAT ELSE IS NEW? SIT.

NOW, WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE

I NORMALLY DON'T CONDONE.

BUT IT'S A HECK OF A LOT OF FUN.

OK, KIDS. WATCH THIS.

[GIGGLES]

[CLEARS THROAT]

OOH!

OH!

I GUESS WE FOUND OUT HOW LONG THE SPELL LASTS.

I HATE LIVING WITH WIZARDS.