Original subtitles

[LAUGHTER]

OH, THAT WAS A GREAT MOVIE.

COME ON, GUYS, ONE MORE TIME-- OK!

♪ ICEVARKS, WE THINK YOU'RE NICE VARKS ♪

♪ SO SING IT TWICE MORKS ♪

♪ ICEVARKS ♪

♪ THAT'S BUNK ♪

[LAUGHTER]

OH! NOW, THAT IS WHAT I CALL ENTERTAINMENT.

THAT HAD TO BE ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES EVER MADE

ABOUT HOCKEY-PLAYING AARDVARKS.

IT'S TOO BAD JUSTIN WASN'T HERE.

WE WOULD HAVE LOVED RUSSO FAMILY FUN NIGHT.

YOU KNOW,

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D ADMIT THIS,

BUT I'M ACTUALLY JEALOUS OF JUSTIN RIGHT NOW.

WHAT? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED FAMILY FUN NIGHT!

I USED TO, BUT I'M 14 NOW.

I THINK I'M GETTING A LITTLE TOO OLD FOR TALKING ANIMAL MOVIES.

OH, I GET IT. IT'S A CONFUSING TIME.

ON ONE HAND, YOU'RE NOT A LITTLE GIRL ANYMORE,

AND YET, AT THE SAME TIME, YOU'RE NOT YET A WOMAN.

SO...

AWKWARD.

THERESA!

I THINK WHAT YOUR FATHER IS TRYING TO SAY IS THAT

NO MATTER HOW OLD YOU GET, HONEY, YOU'RE NEVER TOO OLD

TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY.

EXACTLY. JUST LOOK AT YOUR MOTHER.

DID YOU JUST CALL MOM OLD?

WHAT? NO! WHAT JUST HAPPENED? IT--

WHO WANTS TO SING ANOTHER SONG?

I'M NOT GETTING INVOLVED.

JERRY, MAY I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU IN THE KITCHEN?

AHEM. YES.

HEY, I'M HOME! DID YOU GUYS MISS ME?

NOT REALLY. WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS HEARD,

BUT I WAS OUT ALL NIGHT

WITH A BUNCH OF MY NEW FRIENDS FROM SCHOOL.

I KNOW. YOU TOLD US, LIKE, 10 TIMES BEFORE YOU LEFT.

YEAH. THEY'RE FROM AN UPPER-LEVEL MATH CLASS,

KIND OF AN OLDER CROWD, SO WE TOTALLY LOST TRACK OF TIME. [CHUCKLES]

SORRY I'M LATE.

YOU'RE-- YOU'RE NOT LATE.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHEN YOU SAID YOU'D BE HOME.

IS IT?

WELL, I DIDN'T KEEP TRACK OF TIME BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO.

YOU KNOW, IT SEEMS TO ME LIKE SOMEONE'S A LITTLE JEALOUS

THAT I'M OLD ENOUGH FOR SOME FREEDOM.

OH, PLEASE. I'M NOT JEALOUS OF YOU.

YOU TOLD DAD YOU WERE JEALOUS.

[CHUCKLES] NO, I DIDN'T.

BUT YOU JUST TOLD MOM AND DAD YOU WERE JEALOUS OF--

OK! THANK YOU, MAX.

LOOK, I COULD CARE LESS

ABOUT THIS NERD HERD YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND WITH THESE DAYS.

FACE IT, ALEX. YOU'RE MAD BECAUSE I'M MORE MATURE THAN YOU.

MATURE?

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE IN THIS FAMILY

WHO STILL TAKES A BATH.

YOU TRY FLOATING AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER IN THE SHOWER.

FOR AN EXPERIMENT.

♪ WELL, YOU KNOW EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE A BREEZE ♪

♪ THAT THE END WILL NO DOUBT JUSTIFY THE MEANS ♪

♪ YOU CAN FIX ANY PROBLEM WITH THE SLIGHTEST OF EASE ♪

♪ YES, PLEASE ♪

♪ BUT YOU MIGHT FIND OUT IT'LL GO TO YOUR HEAD ♪

♪ WHEN YOU WRITE A REPORT ON A BOOK YOU NEVER READ ♪

♪ WITH A SNAP OF YOUR FINGERS, YOU CAN MAKE YOUR BED ♪

♪ THAT'S WHAT I SAID ♪ ♪ AHH ♪

♪ EVERYTHING IS NOT WHAT IT SEEMS ♪

♪ WHEN YOU CAN GET ALL YOU WANTED ♪

♪ IN YOUR WILDEST DREAMS ♪

♪ YOU MIGHT RUN INTO TROUBLE IF YOU GO TO EXTREMES ♪

♪ BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS NOT WHAT IT SEEMS ♪

♪ AHH ♪

♪ EVERYTHING IS NOT WHAT IT SEEMS ♪

♪ WHEN YOU CAN HAVE WHAT YOU WANT BY THE SIMPLEST OF MEANS ♪

♪ 1, 2 ♪

♪ BE CAREFUL NOT TO MESS WITH THE BALANCE OF THINGS ♪

♪ BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS NOT ♪

♪ WHAT IT SEEMS ♪

ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT SKILLS FOR A YOUNG WIZARD TO MASTER

IS THE ART OF SPELL IMPROVISATION,

OR MAKE-'EM-UPS.

NOW, THIS IS THE ABILITY TO CREATE A BRAND-NEW SPELL

OFF THE TOP OF ONE'S HEAD

IN THE MOMENT OF URGENT NEED.

FOR EXAMPLE-- MAX, WHAT DO YOU URGENTLY NEED RIGHT NOW?

BAGPIPES.

I WASN'T LISTENING.

ALEX, LET'S GIVE IT A TRY.

NOW, LET'S SAY YOU HAVEN'T EATEN FOR DAYS

AND YOU'RE IN DESPERATE NEED OF A SANDWICH.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

I WALK OVER TO OUR SANDWICH SHOP

AND HAVE MOM MAKE ME A SANDWICH.

OK, YES. BUT MOM'S NOT HERE.

WHERE'S MOM?

IT'S NOT IMPORTANT--

[SIGHS] WHERE SHE IS. UM...

SHE'S GONE. SHE LEFT THE COUNTRY.

SHE LEFT THE COUNTRY? WHY? IS SHE OK?

YES. SHE'S FINE.

WELL, IF SHE'S FINE, I DON'T SEE WHY

SHE COULDN'T MAKE ME A SANDWICH.

OH. [SIGHS] ALL RIGHT.

HERE. I'VE ALREADY WRITTEN ONE DOWN FOR YOU.

JUST READ THAT AND CONCENTRATE.

[EXHALES] "SATISFY MY EMPTY BELLY.

MAKE ME A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY."

YOU SEE WHAT I JUST DID THERE?

I JUST ILLUSTRATED THE DANGERS OF SPELL IMPROV.

[INDISTINCT]

YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE YOUR WORDS VERY CAREFULLY,

BECAUSE IN THE WIZARD WORLD, THEY TAKE YOU LITERALLY.

SO WHEN MAX SAID "MAKE ME A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY,"

THEY MADE HIM A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY.

[GASPS]

OH, I GET IT. LET ME TRY.

ALTHOUGH I LIKE SUCH TASTY SNACKS,

I'D RATHER HAVE MY BROTHER MAX.

HELLO!

PHEW! HEY, THANKS FOR NOT EATING ME.

ALEX, YOU'RE A NATURAL.

THANKS. THAT WASN'T EVEN TRUE. [CHUCKLES]

HEY, DAD. YOU THINK WE COULD WRAP THIS UP?

I'M KIND OF IN A HURRY.

OH, REALLY? THAT'S NOT LIKE YOU, JUSTIN.

YOU USUALLY LIKE TO REALLY MARINATE IN THE MAGIC.

I KNOW, BUT SOME OF MY MATH FRIENDS

ARE STOPPING BY THE SUB STATION.

FOR SOME STIMULATING CONVERSATION

ABOUT MULTIPLYING FACTORIAL EQUATIONS.

HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT FACTORIAL EQUATIONS?

I DON'T KNOW.

OH, MY GOODNESS. YOU'RE CONTAGIOUS!

GUYS!

THAT'S THEM?

WHERE ARE ALL THE MATH GEEKS?

ALEX, WE PREFER THE TERM "ARITHMETIC BUFFS."

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I HAVE SOME VERY IMPORTANT THINGS

TO TALK TO THEM ABOUT.

THINGS YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.

AND THE BIG BALL OF YARN SAYS,

"STRING THEORY!" [ALL LAUGH]

I'M SORRY. I COULDN'T HELP NOTICING,

BUT DID YOU JUST LAUGH AT SOMETHING JUSTIN RUSSO SAID?

YEAH, I DID.

I ALWAYS LAUGH AT WHAT JUSTIN SAYS.

HE'S HILARIOUS!

REALLY? AND WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF AS A VERY BORING PERSON?

NO. AS A MATTER OF FACT,

I WAS VOTED "LEAST BORING"

IN THE SCHOOL YEARBOOK FOR 3 YEARS IN A ROW.

WOULDN'T THAT BE "MOST EXCITING"?

OH, NO. THAT'S SEAN CUNNINGHAM.

HE'S VERY EXCITING.

[LAUGHS]

HEY, YOU'RE KIND OF FUNNY.

I'LL VOTE FOR YOU NEXT YEAR.

EXCUSE ME. HI. I'M ALEX.

I'M SUSAN.

PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE TALKING

ABOUT SOMETHING INCREDIBLY LAME RIGHT NOW.

ACTUALLY, WE WERE JUST MAKING PLANS TO SEE

"NIGHT OF THE HALLOWEEN SORORITY PARTY DISASTER II."

OH!

YOU MEAN THE NEW RUBY DONAHUE MOVIE?

YEAH. IT'S THE FIRST HORROR MOVIE SHE'S EVER DONE.

[GASPS] I LOVE RUBY DONAHUE.

ME, TOO! SHE'S A ROLE MODEL OF MINE.

I PLAN TO FOLLOW EXACTLY IN HER FOOTSTEPS.

I'M GOING TO GROW UP ON A RANCH IN MONTANA,

START MY OWN CHARITY FOR SOMETHING SAD,

AND THEN, CREATE MY OWN PRICE-CONSCIOUS BERET LINE.

HAVE YOU HEARD HER NEW CD

OF SENSITIVE BUT MILDLY ANGRY ROCK SONGS?

AND SHE'S LIKE, "WHOO!"

OK, ALEX.

MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE SOME VERY IMPORTANT THINGS TO DISCUSS

OVER HERE.

HEY, SUSAN, HAVE YOU EVER REALLY CONSIDERED

THE CONCEPT OF INFINITY?

I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT THAT--

I CAN LEND YOU THE NEW RUBY DONAHUE CD.

THANKS!

JUSTIN, I REALLY LIKE YOUR SISTER.

HA HA.

I LIKE YOU, TOO, AND THAT OTHER "LEAST BORING" GUY. YOU.

ZACK ROSENBLATT.

YEAH, ZACK. WE SHOULD ALL HANG OUT

AND CALL EACH OTHER THE ZACK PACK.

[BOTH LAUGH]

HEY, ALEX, WHY DON'T WE HANG OUT OVER HERE?

WHY? I'M TALKING TO SUSAN.

YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO BE A MEMBER OF THE ZACK PACK.

DON'T ACT LIKE THAT'S A REAL THING.

I JUST MADE THAT UP.

YOU'RE MY LITTLE SISTER.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE GETTING ALONG WITH MY FRIENDS.

I KNOW, BUT I LIKE THEM.

THEY'RE WAY MORE NORMAL THAN I EXPECTED.

I'M AS CONFUSED BY ALL THIS AS YOU ARE.

JUST STAY AWAY FROM US, OK? I MEAN IT.

COME ON, JUSTIN. YOU READY TO GO?

YEAH. OH, HEY, MOM?

MY FRIENDS AND I ARE GOING OUT FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

NONE OF US HAVE LEGALLY ENFORCEABLECURFEWS ANYMORE,

SO IT'S ANYONE'S GUESS WHEN WE'LL BE BACK

BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO KEEP TRACK OF TIME.

HMM. YOU'LL BE BACK BEFORE 10:00.

I DO LIKE TO WATCH THE LOCAL NEWS.

THEY HAVE A NEW WEATHER GIRL. OH! SHE'S--

AWKWARD.

THERE HE GOES.

THEY GROW UP SO FAST.

OH, HONEY.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH. HE'LL BE OFF FOR TECHNICAL SCHOOL BEFORE WE KNOW IT!

AND ALEX WILL BE ON LEAVE FROM THE AIR FORCE.

WHAT?

IT'S JUST THE DISCIPLINE YOU NEED.

PLEASE, JUST READ THE PAMPHLETS.

OH, MAXY, COME HERE.

GIVE YOUR MAMA A HUG.

PROMISE ME YOU'LL NEVER GROW UP AND LEAVE ME.

BUT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE TAKING OUT THE GARBAGE.

OH, NO. YOU'RE OUR LITTLE BABY.

YOUR DADDY WILL TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE.

ME?

FINE.

THANK YOU, DADDY. OH, SAVE IT!

[NO AUDIO]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

OH! SUSAN, HI.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THAT NEW RUBY DONAHUE BERET STORE

THAT JUST OPENED IN BROOKLYN?

YEAH. ME AND ZACK WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT IT.

YEAH. THEY HAVE A-- [INDISTINCT] GUYS SECTION!

'CAUSE, UM, I WAS THINKING ABOUT GOING THERE LATER.

ACTUALLY, I WAS THINKING ABOUT DOING ANYTHING

'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANY PLANS.

WHAT ABOUT YOU? WHAT ARE YOU GUYS UP TO?

WELL, A BUNCH OF US ARE GOING TO SEE

"NIGHT OF THE HALLOWEEN SORORITY PARTY DISASTER II."

YOU WANT TO COME WITH?

WHO, ME? REALLY? NO. I COULDN'T.

OH. THAT'S TOO BAD.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL BE THERE.

HEY, GUYS, HOW ABOUT THE MATH HOMEWORK?

TALK ABOUT YOUR EXPONENTIAL DECAY. AM I RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

NOTHING. I WAS JUST ON MY WAY TO CLASS

WHEN I BUMPED INTO OUR FRIENDS SUSAN AND ZACK.

OUR FRIENDS?

ALEX IS GOING TO COME TO THE MOVIE WITH US TONIGHT.

ISN'T THAT GREAT NEWS?

YEAH.

THAT'S GREAT NEWS.

THAT'S A TOTALLY UNEXPECTED SURPRISE.

SEE YOU BOTH TONIGHT?

HEY, DO THEY MAKE THOSE BERETS IN GUYS?

AWW. DON'T WE HAVE SOME REALLY NICE FRIENDS?

AAH!

OK. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? THOSE ARE MY FRIENDS.

IT'S AN R-RATED MOVIE. YOU'RE NOT EVEN OLD ENOUGH TO GET IN.

WELL, NEITHER ARE YOU.

YOU DON'T WORRY ABOUT WHAT I DO OR DON'T DO

AT THE MOVIES.

WHAT'S THAT? A FAKE ID?

MAYBE.

[INDISTINCT] NO!

[SIGHS] IT'S JUST A PIECE OF CONSTRUCTION PAPER

AND A CLIPPING OF THAT NEW WEATHER GIRL I LIKE.

YOU WENT IN MY ROOM WITHOUT ASKING!

LOOK, JUSTIN, WHY DO YOU CARE IF I GO TO THE MOVIE?

'CAUSE YOU'RE MY LITTLE SISTER.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO GET ALONG WITH MY FRIENDS.

I KNOW IT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE,

BUT UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S OUT OF MY HANDS.

WE DON'T CHOOSE OUR FRIENDS.

YES, WE DO.

AND FOR SOME REASON, YOU'VE CHOSEN MY FRIENDS.

WELL, MAYBE THEY'VE CHOSEN ME.

I'M SORRY, BUT I'M GOING TO THAT MOVIE TONIGHT.

[STAMMERS]

OH! WASN'T THAT A FUN HAIRCUT?

YOU LOOKED SO HANDSOME SITTING ON THAT FIRE ENGINE CHAIR.

[CHUCKLES]

[WHISPERS] Help me.

[NO AUDIO]

HEY, REMEMBER WHEN YOU USED TO GIVE MAX

PIGGY-BACK RIDES UP THE STAIRS?

THAT WAS, LIKE, 50 POUNDS AGO!

GET ON MY BACK.

[BOTH GRUNT]

OH! DAD, MOM.

ALEX IS TRYING TO HANG OUT WITH ME AND MY FRIENDS TONIGHT,

EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE 17 YEARS OLD.

17-YEAR-OLDS?

ALEX, YOU'RE 14.

[GRUNTS]

YOU'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME

TO HANG OUT WITH 17-YEAR-OLDS

WHEN YOU GET INTO AN ADVANCED MATH CLASS LIKE YOUR BROTHER.

BUT I'LL NEVER GET INTO ADVANCED MATH.

I KNOW THAT, HONEY.

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE GOING INTO THE AIR FORCE.

OH!

OK. I'M LATE FOR A MOVIE.

[SCOFFS] THIS IS SO NOT FAIR!

LISTEN. IF YOU REALLY WANT TO DO SOMETHING TONIGHT,

WHY DON'T YOU EMBRACE YOUR FLEETING CHILDHOOD

AND TAKE MAX OUT FOR PIZZA AND SKEE-BALL?

I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE MAX OUT TO A BUNCH OF DUMB KID PLACES.

I'M WAY TOO OLD--

YOU KNOW WHAT?

PIZZA AND SKEE-BALL IT IS. LET'S GO, LITTLE BROTHER.

YOU'RE NOT TAKING ME OUT FOR PIZZA AND SKEE-BALL, ARE YOU?

NO, I AM NOT.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?

WELL, I'M GOING TO GET INTO A MOVIE

WITH JUSTIN'S FRIENDS,

AND YOU'RE GOING TO GO SEE "ICEVARKS" AGAIN.

BUT I ALREADY SAW "ICEVARKS."

WELL, GO CRASH THAT BIRTHDAY PARTY.

I'LL BET THEY'RE GIVING AWAY THE PADDLE WITH THE BALL ATTACHED.

I DO LIKE THOSE.

HEY, GUYS, WAIT UP! I MADE IT!

ALEX, YOU'RE JUST IN TIME! COME ON.

HOLD ON, YOUNGSTER.

OH, IT'S OK. I'M WITH THEM.

ARE YOU OLD ENOUGH TO SEE THIS MOVIE.

[SCOFFS] OH, YOU FLATTER ME.

OK.

HERE.

[EXHALES]

YOU REALIZE THIS SAYS YOU'RE 47 YEARS OLD, RIGHT?

AND IT'S MADE OUT OF CONSTRUCTION PAPER.

CAN'T YOU JUST LOOK THE OTHER WAY?

NO. THAT WOULD GO AGAINST THE USHER CODE.

WOULD A JACKET THAT FITS GO AGAINST THE USHER CODE, TOO?

YES.

SORRY, ALEX. IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER,

I'LL TAKE NOTES AND GIVE THEM TO YOU AFTERWARDS,

LIKE I DO FOR JUSTIN.

LIKE YOU DO FOR JUSTIN?

YEAH.

OH, HIGH SCORE! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

ALEX?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOVIE.

NO. I'M NOT OLD ENOUGH,

AND I DON'T PLAN ON BREAKING THE LAW NOW.

PART OF BEING A MATURE ADULT

IS KNOWING WHEN TO FOLLOW THE RULES.

WELL, PART OF BEING ME IS IGNORING THE RULES AND DOING WHATEVER I WANT.

I'M SENSING YOU HAVE A DEVIOUS AND POORLY THOUGHT-OUT PLAN

TO GET INTO THIS RUBY DONAHUE MOVIE.

I'M GOING TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE ME OUT OF IT.

GLADLY.

HMM.

I'M OLD ENOUGH TO HANG

WITH ACTRESS-MODEL-SPOKESWOMAN RUBY DONAHUE,

SO GET ME INTO "NIGHT OF THE HALLOWEEN SORORITY PARTY DISASTER II."

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

WHERE AM I?

YOU'RE AT THE ZETA THETA BETA SORORITY HOUSE, SILLY!

HOME TO THE PRETTIEST AND MOST POPULAR GIRLS ON CAMPUS.

[LAUGHTER]

[SIGHS]

IS THAT RUBY DONAHUE OVER THERE?

NO, SILLY. THAT'S BAMBI, THE SENSITIVE ONE.

JUST STAY IN CHARACTER AND SCREAM WHEN IT'S YOUR TURN.

OH, MY GOODNESS. I'M IN THE MOVIE.

YOU'RE JUST IN TIME.

WE'RE ABOUT TO HAVE A SUPER FUN HALLOWEEN PILLOW FIGHT

IN OUR PAJAMAS!

AREN'T YOU A LITTLE OLD TO BE IN A SORORITY?

AREN'T YOU A LITTLE YOUNG?

FAIR ENOUGH.

[SQUEALING AND LAUGHING]

[MUSIC STOPS] [TELEPHONE RINGS]

[WOMEN GASP]

WHAT'S THE MATTER? IT'S JUST THE PHONE.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

WHY DID THE MUSIC GET ALL SCARY?

HEY. WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

THE MOVIE'S NOT EVEN OVER YET.

JUSTIN, THAT MOVIE IS WAY TOO SCARY!

THERE ARE SOME THINGS IN THIS LIFE

THAT YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE.

WELL, WHERE'S ALEX? SHE SAID SHE WAS GOING

TO CATCH UP WITH YOU GUYS.

SHE NEVER DID. BUT WEIRDLY ENOUGH,

THERE'S AN ACTRESS IN THE MOVIE THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE HER.

REALLY? YEAH.

SHE EVEN SOUNDED KIND OF LIKE HER.

AND SHE WAS WEARING THE EXACT SAME OUTFIT AS HER.

WEIRD, RIGHT?

YEAH. WEIRD.

WHAT DID YOU GET ON THAT DEDUCTIVE REASONING TEST?

A 99.

EVEN WEIRDER.

WOULD YOU GUYS EXCUSE ME FOR JUST ONE ONE MOMENT?

ALEX RUSSO HAS MESSED UP AND PUT HERSELF IN A MOVIE.

PUT ME ALSO IN THAT MOVIE.

THAT DIDN'T EVEN SOUND LIKE A SPELL. OK.

WHAT RHYMES WITH MOVIE?

BOUVIE, JUVIE, LOUVIE.

PLANT!

PLANT.

THIS IS GOING TO TAKE A WHILE.

NO!

[SCREAMS]

HEY! YOU'RE RUBY DONAHUE!

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M ALEX.

ARE YOU THE EVIL SORORITY SISTER

WHO'S COME BACK FROM THE GRAVE TO PUNISH US FOR OUR CUTE,

OR RECKLESS DESTRUCTION OF PERFECTLY GOOD PILLOWS?

WHAT? NO. I'M JUST A KID.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M DOING IN THIS SCARY MOVIE.

ME, NEITHER. THIS WAS ALL MY AGENT'S IDEA.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

OH, THERE'S THAT MUSIC AGAIN.

WHERE'S IT COMING FROM?

UH-OH.

THIS IS THE PART WHERE I RUN SCREAMING

INTO THE STEAM-FILLED SHOWERS.

WHICH HAVE BEEN LEFT RUNNING FOR NO REASON AT ALL.

WELL, OK. WELL, IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.

YOU, TOO.

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

[HAIR DRYER HUMMING]

[SCREAMS]

WHOA. SCREAMING AND RUNNING TOWARDS A MASKED VILLAIN

IS PROBABLY THE WORST WAY TO STAY AWAY FROM THE MASKED VILLAIN.

RIGHT.

[SCREAMS]

IN A GROOVY MOVIE!

A LITTLE 1970s, BUT IT WORKED.

JUSTIN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOING? I'M SAVING THE DAY.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] [WOMEN SCREAMING]

OH, WHO ARE THEY?

[HAIR DRYER HUMMING]

[SCREAMS]

MY HERO.

OH, NO, JERRY. "HUGS AND MRS." IS SOLD OUT!

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE HUGH GRANT'S MOST ROMANTIC ROLE TO DATE.

DEAR.

Aardvark: THAT'S BUNK!

[LAUGHS]

THAT'S BUNK! HA! THAT'S BUNK!

JERRY. [GASPS] YES!

YOU KNOW, HONEY, I WAS THINKING WE SHOULD SEE "ICEVARKS" AGAIN!

I'M TELLING, THERE'S SOMETHING WEIRD GOING ON

IN "NIGHT OF THE HALLOWEEN SORORITY PARTY DISASTER II."

I KNOW. I'VE SEEN THAT FILM 16 TIMES,

AND THEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN,

THERE ARE THESE NEW CHARACTERS IN IT?

MAYBE IT'S A DIRECTOR'S CUT.

THOSE CHARACTERS OF ALEX AND JUSTIN HAVE SUCH CHEMISTRY.

IT'S LIKE THEY GREW UP TOGETHER.

UH, MISS? 2 TICKETS

FOR THAT, UH, DISASTER PARTY BINGO HALLOWEEN THING. YEAH.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

WHOA!

JUSTIN! STAND UP!

FORGET ABOUT ME, ALEX! SAVE YOURSELF!

SERIOUSLY, JUSTIN, JUST STAND UP.

OK.

[HAIR DRYER HUMMING]

OH, JUSTIN! DO SOMETHING!

WHY ME? BECAUSE YOU'RE THE OLDER BROTHER!

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

IMPROVISE SOMETHING! RIGHT. OK.

WE'VE HAD ENOUGH OF ALL THESE FEARS.

SO HURRY UP AND GET US OUT OF HERE.

WHAT HAPPENED?

WE'RE IN A BASEMENT.

YEAH. IN THE BASEMENT OF THE SORORITY HOUSE IN THE MOVIE.

DAD WASN'T KIDDING. WHEN YOU IMPROV A SPELL,

YOU GOT TO SAY EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN.

[HAIR DRYER HUMMING]

HE'S STILL COMING! HURRY!

DON'T YELL AT ME! I'M TRYING TO THINK.

I'M SCARED OF WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN NEXT,

SO TAKE US TO THE MONDOPLEX.

AAH!

ARE WE BACK?

YEAH. IT'S A THEATER LOBBY. I THINK WE'RE SAFE.

SORRY I GOT YOU INTO THIS... LITERALLY.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT WAS KIND OF FUN BEING IN A SORORITY GIRL MOVIE.

YEAH, WELL, IT WASN'T WHAT I EXPECTED AT ALL.

WELL, MAYBE YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO GROW UP TOO FAST.

I GUESS I WAS.

SORRY, AND THANKS FOR HELPING ME OUT.

I WON'T HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS ANYMORE.

YOU WON'T TELL ANYONE I SCREAMED LIKE A GIRL?

I PROBABLY WILL,

BUT THAT'S WHAT LITTLE SISTERS DO.

[SCOFFS]

OH, NO! JUSTIN, LOOK!

SHE'S COMING RIGHT FOR US!

Both: AAH! SPLIT UP!

CAN'T GET BOTH OF US! GO!

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[GROWLS] [SCREAMS]

[LAUGHTER]

OH, IT'S JUST US!

SILLY. [LAUGHS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[ALL SCREAMING]