Original subtitles

♪ I'm a bad bitch every day of the week ♪

♪ If I hop up on the mike, they gonna play it on repeat ♪

I am sorry, sweetie.

Sorry, sweetie. You are way too drunk.

But I don't want to go home!

I know you don't want to go home, but it's time to go.

- I was having a great time! - Good night!

Was having a good time! Aah!

- Come on. Let's go. - Come on?! Come on?!

- Thank you. - Are you just hitting on me?

How you doing, folks? Good to see you.

My God. Did you guys see that?

He was hitting on me.

They don't even let you smoke in there!

What the hell's that about?!

I'm on camera?!

Cat Sajak!

Did you just buy yourself a bowel movement?

Ooh, that is fresh!

My gosh. How much did you eat?!

Do not remember feeding you that much.

Hey.

Hey, Piper.

- Hey. - What's going on?

Good. How are you? How was your night?

Well, I mean, my band played tonight.

- I invited you, too, but... - Yeah.

Yeah. It was... It was great. It was great.

We had, like, a cheese plate in the green room.

Ooh, I love cheese. That sounds so good right now.

- This is so good. - Yeah. And...

- Yeah. Delish. Are you kidding? - We had lots of people.

We had, like, probably 15-plus. Something like that.

- My God. That's so cool. - Yeah.

That's sick. I love cheese.

- Yeah. - So, so... You...

Yeah. You look amazing tonight, by the way.

You always look amazing.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

Okay. I'm about to get real.

Do you want to come over?

- Sh... - Yeah.

Yeah. To... To your place?

I can't believe I just asked you that!

You're my neighbor! You're my neighbor!

But do you, though, want to come over?

Okay. Yeah.

Okay.

Wow! This is a great room!

- Thank you. - It's nice.

Shut the door. Shut the door!

- Wait! I got it! - I think you got it.

- Yeah. - Whoo!

Yeah.

No, no, no, no. The hook's in the back.

The hook's in the back. The hook's in the back!

Whoo!

Do you have a condom?

Yes. Yes, I think so. I think so.

- Great, great. - Got one. I mean...

A-ha! Bingo!

I believe you. You don't have to show it.

Aah!

Are you good? Can we go?

Just kind of... yeah. Just like...

You might want to, like, get on top of me, yeah.

Just, you know... Climb on me like a jungle gym.

Can I touch your face? Is that okay?

Yeah, that's... Wait. Hold... Okay.

- Back of hand. - . You smell so good.

- What is that? - Just, um...

- Is that jasmine? - Just my perfume.

It's just a cocktail of flowers...

My mouth's here.

My mouth's here. Just come back.

Hold on. Let me just...

Okay? Is that good?

Okay. Would you please...

Whoa!

Yeah.

This feels so right.

Fuck.

Hey...

Peter.

Piper.

- Picked a... - Okay.

Heh-heh. Sorry.

I just...

I have a really bad headache, so...

Yeah. Yeah.

Who's a grumpy morning person? You are.

Boop. Ha ha ha...

Okay. Heh.

I have to get ready for work, so...

Yeah. Need a ride? I'm a certified Uber driver.

I know you don't have a car.

My work is just a couple blocks from here,

so I'm gonna stroll on over, but thank you.

How did you know I don't have a car?

Piper, we've lived

in the same apartment complex for over a year.

This is the longest conversation we've ever had.

That's too bad because conversation is the area

that I normally get the highest ratings on.

On all my drives.

Sorry. I just... I'm not trying to be "that guy,"

- but I do need you to... to go. - Yeah.

Yeah, like, back to your place 'cause...

Yeah. No prob. No worries. I gotta get going anyway.

Wheel of Fortunereruns are on at 11.

I don't want to miss that.

Plus, my cat and I, we watch it together,

and he gets bad-tempered for the day

if he misses his Vanna.

You gotta meet him sometime.

Would love that.

Last night was really special.

Wow. Just be... No, you're good.

It's okay. That's a white pillow that you stepped on.

- See ya, Piper. - Okay. Bye.

Evan? What are you doing in my apartment?

Hi, Maya.

Piper and I are... seeing each other.

Yeah!

Really?!

Celebrate for me, alright?

Will you? Come on! Let's dance! Yeah! Whoo!

Evan Ebert! You are dating Evan Ebert?!

Please do not throw the "D" word around.

We are not dating.

Your girl got a little boozy, a little frisky.

Just please don't tell anyone.

Why would I tell anyone?

Babe, you're a little bit of a blabber mouth.

- We know this. - Yeah, I do like a story.

It was a one-time thing.

It is never, never happening again.

That's not what he thinks.

Ooh...

I told you she'd come around. She couldn't resist the Ev-man.

Why would you go messing around with Evan?

He's clearly always had a thing for you!

I barely know the guy.

He's just some dude who lives in our building.

I mean, I kind of thought his name was Adam

until like 20 minutes ago.

My God. Piper...

Babe, I'm so hungover,

and you're really challenging me right now, and it's a lot.

Why did you go out last night? Weren't you supposed to

be preparing for your meeting with that publisher?!

What am I supposed to do to prepare?

I don't even know exactly what that woman wants to talk to me about.

She's obviously a fan of yours.

Every time I blink, your Instagram

has like a hundred more followers.

Okay, again, I'm so hungover. You're coming at me very hot.

And I do feel the love, but...

I'm just worried about you, Piper.

I love you so much, but there's nothing to worry about.

I'm fine. I mean, I feel like true trash right now,

but otherwise I'm... I really think I'm thriving.

Piper, I'm not paying you to look on your phone.

Okay. I'm sorry. I just... I got an e-mail from that publisher.

She pushed back our meeting to, like, two weeks from now.

That's too bad.

Now why don't you help out the customer right in front of you?

Hey, that's okay, there, Raheem and Piper.

But since you have your phone out,

maybe you should just take my number, you know.

Ha ha. Cameron? It's Cameron, right?

- Yes. - Yeah.

You're not exactly my type, so...

Okay. A handsome, successful

investment banker isn't your type?

Can I just take your order, please?

You know my order. You take it every day.

Yeah, I take a lot of orders every day,

so... just drawing a blank.

Nonfat vanilla latte, one shot of espresso,

and exactly eight pumps of vanilla.

'Kay. That's a lot of pumps. That's a lotof pumps.

She's a firecracker?

How's that soccer league going, pal?

We got a couple more games still left.

Yeah, man. Let me know if you get to the finals.

I'll be there. Okay, man.

Here is your truly insane order.

Thank you very much.

- Extra tip. - . Thanks.

Hey, and good luck in that publisher meeting, you know?

Two weeks comes around fast.

Thank you.

- Piper Brennan? - Yeah.

Come with me. My office is down the hall.

Cool, cool. Oops.

- Thanks for coming out. - Okay. We're good. We're good.

Now, this is where the magic happens.

This is a cool office. So bespoke.

Finally. A face to the name.

Thank you. I feel the same way. This is very cool.

Well, I'm just gonna jump right in there.

- Yeah! Of course. - You know, I saw your Instagram

because it was pointed out to me by an ex-boyfriend of mine.

He actually thought that you had taken a picture of him

with someone he shouldn't have been with.

This was long before... I mean, I...

Anyway, we're friends now. It's fine.

Your ex-boyfriend follows me.

Wow. That's... I was just, excited

and a little annoyed by it initially, but I got on board.

I didn't expect to get on board, and you got me.

- You got me. - Thank you.

Tell me a little bit about your inspiration for your Instagram.

"I Spy Love."

Yeah, um, kind of just started on a whim.

I... you know, lady to lady...

never been great at relationships and dating.

And so whenever I'm, like, out at, like,

a restaurant or a club, there are these couples

who look, like, so locked in

and I'm like, "my God. What must that be like?"

And so I kind of just started taking pictures of people...

you know, with their permish...

and, captioning it just kind of, like,

what I think their conversation is like and what...

- Yeah. - Backstory is and...

- Yes. - I start to sort of fantasize,

like "wow. What's... What's going on here?"

Yes! I just love kind of, like...

- Yes. - Making up a story of

what love could be like, maybe.

- Yeah. So... - I love it.

- Thanks. - Yes.

I spy a book.

I spy a huge compliment.

- That's, - Wow. - I spy a series of books.

I spy a reality show. I spy a tour.

I spy... PBS giveaways.

PBS giveaways? Wow. Um...

I spy "Judge Piper." I... I don't know.

I mean, I just sort of see... Maybe it's not a courtroom.

That is, - Wow.

Relationship advice. Love advice.

So you think that it would be, like, me...

- Yeah. - Giving advice...

- Advice. - On relationships.

Yes. You have a gift.

- Yeah. - Tell us what to do, Piper!

Tell us. You're the Pied Piper!

I'll follow you anywhere.

Or, you know, yeah, I mean if you could get me a date.

- Wow. - Sure. Yeah.

- And you're also... - I mean,

I have been almost married three times.

But the good news is, I would be divorced three times,

so I am not divorced.

Um...

But the world needs you. We need you.

It's cool to have someone believe in you.

You will appeal to so many young readers

and not-so-young readers. Heh!

Yeah, you're a bright,

very smart, very charming young woman.

Yeah, you got it all.

- Thank you. - You've got it all.

Yeah. You really...

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, it's emotional, right? Yeah.

No, I... Yes, I am taking in what you're saying.

I just also...

- No. - God.

- Are you okay? - No.

God. Okay. I'll clean it up.

- No, no, no, no, no. - Yes.

No, that's why I have an assistant.

- It's fine. - Okay. Good.

'Cause I gotta go. I gotta go. I have to...

Jacob!

Hey! How'd the meeting go?

Um... I don't really want to talk about it.

No. It was that bad?

I threw up, like, all over Jane Brantley's desk.

- Are you sick? - I feel fine now.

I'm, like, a little fatigued, I guess,

but this morning, I was barf city.

I think it's just, like, something I ate.

Yeah, I mean, it's either that or you're pregnant.

If one were to be pregnant, like,

how soon would they start showing symptoms?

I don't know. Like, um, two weeks.

Are you pregnant?!

No. Come on.

No.

- They're both positive. - God!

How did this happen? Aren't you on the pill?

I was! But I stopped taking it 'cause it made me feel bloated.

If you had unprotected sex, why didn't you take Plan B?

No, I... I didn't have...

I... I used a...

Ew! What are you doing?!

I have to look! I have to look!

When was the last time you took out your trash?!

Ew! Wh... W-What? What?

It's expired!

Um... No, it's gonna be okay. Hey. Hey.

Having a child can be a beautiful thing.

It's not beautiful! I know who the father is!

No!

Would ya look at that, Cat Sajak?

Piper wants some more lovin' from the Ev-man.

What should I wear?

Hey.

Piper. Maya.

I thought it was just gonna be the two of us.

You didn't tell him I was coming?

You look nice.

- Thanks. - Cool tie.

Um, so...

Evan, um, so you remember how... Ooh, what?

Is it me or is that waitress over there staring at me?

Um, I feel like that might just be you?

No, I think she actually is staring at him.

She's probably a fan of my band.

You're in a band?

I've invited you to, like, three of my shows, you weirdo.

I kinda remember that.

Yeah?

Deer in Headlights.

Is that a drink?

No. That's my band.

You're a fan, right?

N-No. Why would I know your band?

You were staring at me over there.

No. I was just staring at you 'cause you're dressed

like an assistant principal in a dive bar.

And is that yarn hanging out of your big-boy bag?

That's a leather satchel I bought at the Dallas airport.

And, secondly, crocheting. Who doesn't love it?

Can you get me a straw?

- Yeah. Okay. Sure. - Thank you.

Okay, remember a few weeks ago there was that night

where you came over to my apartment...

Y-Yeah. How could I forget?

Right. So, that night, um, the...

Do... What are you doin'?

I'm picking apart this meat before I eat it

'cause I always make sure it's fully cooked.

Alright. Um, can you not do that right now? Sorry.

I just wanted to, um...

just real quick, talk to you

about what happened that... You...

Sorry. Yeah. This is my mom.

I-I'm gonna take this real fast, but...

I'll be back.

Mom! Hey!

Told you Evan's not that bad.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Yeah, I'm trying to lighten the mood

'cause you let Steve from "Blue's Clues" enter your body.

God! It's so true. It's so true.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Piper.

Yeah, yeah. It's input three, not input two, not...

Hey, hey. Look, look, look, look.

Positive side, you went through the foster-care system.

You've always wanted to have a family.

And now you're growing one inside of you.

I guess I am growing a little family in me.

It's kind of a sweet notion.

And it... I mean, hey, if you feel like it's not right,

you can always get an abortion.

Yeah. I already had one of those.

And this time, I don't know if it's 'cause I'm older or what,

but I feel, like, kind of connected

to the little nugget already.

Maybe, like, a little more ready for it?

I have no idea.

If I have a baby, I will always have love in my life.

Why don't you just tell him you're pregnant

but you want to raise the baby on your own?

I work in a coffee shop.

Like, your girl could use a two-income household.

Yeah, if only someone else had gotten you pregnant.

- What? - You're gonna hate this.

I know you are going to hate this, but hear me out.

What if I went out

and, like, met a fantastic guy?

Checks all the boxes. Great dude.

Could be a provider. All the things, right?

And then we have sex...

and then he thinks the baby is his.

- Piper. No. - Okay.

I really want this baby to have a better childhood

- and upbringing than I had. - You're just lying to yourself.

You're being insane right now. Just stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

You having a harsh reaction

makes me think I'm onto something.

No, you're not! No, you're not. No. Piper.

I feel it in my gut. It's not the baby kicking.

- Pi... Piper. My God. - It is my intuition kicking.

- Piper, stop. No. No! - I have to go.

- I have to think. - You need to tell him.

No. Piper!

Yeah, but it doesn't even say in the d... Piper?

You can't just go out to a club

and pick who you want to be the father of your unborn child!

But you saw what he was like! You saw it!

He's, the definition of a man-child, okay?

And I would really love for my kid to have a father who's...

who's, like, strong and secure, you know?

And... that is what I am determined to find tonight.

Okay! Let's find me a baby daddy.

What about that guy over there?!

Calvin Klein? Look at his ring finger.

Honey, he's married.

Shit.

- What about him? - He's bald.

Piper, you realize the baby won't actually

have his genetics, right?

No, I don't care about that. It's just...

Well, what if he has a midlife crisis at some point

and then he gets a tattoo on his head

and then he'll look super Neo-Nazi?

It's just not worth the risk, you know?

Yeah. No. Makes total sense. Happens constantly.

Ooh! He is hot!

The waiter? I don't think he's gonna

be able to support a family on $12 an hour.

Plus tips!

Okay. Let's keep looking!

Come on! We're on a mission! Hi!

Hey, how you broads doin' tonight?

I'm Luca. This is my brother Rocco.

Hey. Pleased to meet ya.

- I'm Piper. - Piper?

'Cause you could get the pipe, sweetheart.

I see what you did there! The...

That's funny how you did that with my name.

Is your name Cecilia? 'Cause, girl, I wanna feel ya!

What?! Rocco! Who taught you that one?

This is gonna be a lot harder than I thought!

Hey, I'ma lot harder than you thought!

Okay. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

- Piper, where you goin'? - Come on.

So, what do you do for work?

I'm a entrepreneur.

Okay. What does that mean?

Whatever you want it to mean.

You got really sexy legs.

But do you think I need, like, Botox or something?

We don't get that. We don't get that.

Yes. So there's this thing called Babytox now. It's...

Do you mind if I sit here?

Sorry. My feet hurt. I just need a minute.

- No. You're - You're good. - God.

- You are... good. - I hate high heels.

You are good.

Ooh.

Sorry. Did you just take a photo of me?

No, my phone died. That's what happens with phones.

Piper!

I've been looking all over for you.

Who was that guy you were talking to?

Um, that was my friend, Dr. Wendling.

He's a surgeon at my hospital.

Is he single?

I don't think he's really your type.

He's a rich doctor and he's not my type?

There you are, Maya! Hi!

Yeah, he's... he's less baby daddy.

He's more sugar daddy, but...

How are you?

Can we get two vodka sodas, please?

- Thank you. - Mnh-mnh.

What? What are you doing?!

You can't drink. You're pregnant.

Shit! I wish you would have

reminded me of that before I gave away $30.

It wasn't a total waste.

Heh-heh-heh.

Hey. How's your night going?

Sorry. I don't talk to pregnant chicks. Yo.

There are like 100 guys in this bar, and all of them suck!

What about 101?

I'm Samuel. Nice to meet you.

Hi. I'm Piper.

Beautiful, Piper.

Hunh... Thank you.

Just give me one sec. One sec.

Maya! I'm leaving! I found my guy. He is sexy.

He's an engineer. And he just invited me back to his place!

- God. Where is he? - He's right over there.

I love him. What? Why are you laughing?

- Piper. - What?

- You can't be serious. - I'm so serious.

- He's Black. - Okay. What?

Won't it be a little odd

when "his" baby comes out white as a ghost?

"Phoebe Bridgers doing yoga" white.

Shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!

I hate this night! This night is a bust, man!

I'm sorry.

Let's just go.

Who are you talking to?

It's Brantley. I feel like

she's gonna offer me the deal or something.

- My God. Put it on speaker. - Yeah.

Wasn't mad. I was just taken off guard.

So, do we have a deal or not?

Yeah! Yes! Sorry. I-I thought I blew it.

You blew chunks.

Yeah, that was morning sickness, um,

because I'm... I'm pregnant and I was pregnant, um,

when I was at your office.

I just didn't know it.

I didn't even know you were seeing anyone.

Yeah, it's, you know... it's complicated.

Single and pregnant.

I love it. I think the readers will love it.

Just show me some of that authenticity

in your first draft.

Hundred percent. Thank you, Jane Brantley!

- My God. My God. - My God!

I can't believe you're writing a book! Aah!

I'm roommates with a sexy Margaret Atwood.

Thank you. My God. But seriously, though.

You think you're proud of me now?

Wait until you see this hot-ass dude I'm going on a date with.

I present... Kyle.

Whoa. He looks like a model.

He isa model. Well, he used to be.

Now he works for his dad's business.

It's actually, like, a really cute story, but anyways.

I matched with him this morning on Bumble,

and now we are going on a date this afternoon.

- Already? - Maya...

I'm two and a half weeks pregnant, okay?

I gotta get on this, you know?

We gotta move quick. Quick!

- Piper! Hey! - Hi!

Nice to meet you in person.

Nice to meet you! I'll get the first round.

No, no. Don't be silly. I already bought your round.

Just pick a club, get your ball, and let's hit the links.

Orange and a purple. There you go.

Thanks. Ladies first.

So, I do a lot of business deals on the course.

If you want me to go easy on you, let me know.

Alright, big shot. Let's see what you got.

My God.

So, you, you go on a lot of Bumble dates?

Um, just like four to six a week.

Why? What about you? What's your deal?

I'm just so busy with work, and all my clients are guys,

so Bumble's the only option I have to meet girls.

Not that I'm complaining.

You're gorgeous.

And I'm so happy to be here.

Um, thank you.

So, on your profile, it says

that you're looking for something serious,

and I was just curious if that was something

you put on there more recently

or if that was, like, a vestige

from when you first signed up for the app

or, like, what your current status is?

No, I'm open to something serious.

And I think we're off to a great start.

Yeah. I-I agree.

Well, I think we are,

but then you might see me play golf and be horrified.

- It gets pretty bleak. - No.

You might change your mind about me in 20 seconds.

No judgement.

Watch out, world.

Cool.

Almost sad that this is the last hole.

I don't want today to end.

Hey. I'll make you a deal.

If you make this hole-in-one...

maybe we, continue this date back at my place.

- Yeah? Okay. - I'm just saying.

I want to pet the horsies! I want to pet the horsies!

I want to pet the horsies! I want to pet the horsies!

Hey, what the fuck was that?!

I want to pet the horsies.

- Well, I wanna get my dick wet. - Horsies.

Piece of shit.

Crazy. You ready to take your shot?

- That was horrible! - I know.

Stupid brat stopped me from getting my hole-in-one.

Not him. You! You were horrible!

How could you scream at an innocent kid like that?!

It's easy. I hate kids.

- Wha... - What's to like?

They're smelly and annoying and expensive.

The list goes on and on.

You just, like, never want kids?

Like, if you got a girl pregnant,

you would just, like, abandon her or something?

I'd be outta the door faster than a racehorse.

You know what? I'm a racehorse.

Because I am out of the door here, right now.

There's no door, but outside if there were a door, I'm out of it.

- Bye! Bye, Kyle! - Hey. Wait. This is our first date.

Why are we even talking about kids?

Piper, it was... He started it!

That's the guy.

Look! I finally got a hole-in-one!

God! Not even then!

Um, may... No. No, no, no!

Listen. Listen. Um, hold on, sir!

Let's have a conversation. Come along with me.

- Sir! - We're gonna talk about...

Help!

Piper, listen to your friend and pick your head up.

Your favorite customer is here.

Hey. That's okay, Raheem.

I'm used to being ignored by beautiful women.

Really? You seem like the kind of guy

who would be with a different girl every night.

Only Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe

when I'm watching old reruns of Friends.

Wow, Piper .That's the first time I've seen you smile.

Looks nice.

Thanks.

That's, um... That's really sweet.

Um, yeah, so, I'll, - I-I'll have my usual.

A nonfat vanilla latte with one shot of espresso

and eight pumps of vanilla?

- You remembered. - Of course I remembered.

It's a psychotic order.

But also kind of cute.

Lot of sugar. Ha!

Hey, how many goals last night, bud?

- Five goals. - Alright. Good stuff.

Well, let me know when you get to that final, alright?

- Most definitely. Yeah. - Alright. Come on.

There you go.

Thank you.

So, - I forgot to pay, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Just tap or swipe.

Hey, you, you have a-a great day, alright?

- You too. - Okay.

- Hey, Cameron? - Yeah?

Do you maybe want to ask me out?

I thought I wasn't your type?

That never stopped you before.

It... Well, yeah. I-I do, actually.

I just... Things were going so well,

I didn't want to push my luck.

How does dinner at my place sound?

Let me... Let me give you my business card.

You can shoot me a text, alright?

Okay. Cool.

Actually, I-I don't think I can go out with a guy

whose Instagram handle is @StraightCashidy.

I'm just messing with you. Relax.

Check the side of your cup.

So you'd know.

You're good.

Okay. Don't hit that woman.

Hi. Hey.

- See you. - Bye.

You see what happens when you lift your head up?

You have yourself a man.

Maya!

I have some news! I found my guy.

Really? Who?

Cameron Cassidy.

He's the guy who comes into the coffee shop

every day, the banker.

The guy who harasses you every day?

It's not harassing. It's... It's cute.

You didn't think it was cute a few weeks ago.

I didn't need a baby daddy a few weeks ago.

And, Maya, this guy, he's got all the features.

He is hot. He's got a good job. He's fit.

He has great hair.

He is really hot.

I mean, what more could a girl ask for?

Maybe to have some sort of connection with him?

Well, we're gonna have a whole lifetime of connections.

My God. That sounds like the nonsense

my parents are always preaching to me about arranged marriages.

Do you ever think that maybe your parents are onto something?

I mean, they've been together, like, 35 years.

I don't think they were ever truly in love, okay?

That's not an ideal type of relationship.

You finally get to have a family of your own.

Okay. I hear what you're saying.

But you're not thinking about the fact

that the alternative is Evan!

Captain Cat Piss across the hall!

Now, what should I wear?

I need Cameron to want to fuck me on the first date.

Come on!

What about a straitjacket and a thong?

My God! That is so mean!

Hi.

Can I come in?

Yes. Yes, of course.

You look absolutely stunning.

Took my breath away.

Wow.

Come on. Let me get you a drink.

Okay.

No, I don't want to go out with Sandeep.

He has a comb-over!

I don't care if he has a comb-over anda ponytail.

That's worse.

I'll talk to you later, Mom. Someone's at the door.

And it better not be Sandeep!

Hi, Maya. Piper home?

My lady.

I'll be right back. Gonna get the food.

Okay.

Here we are.

My famous shrimp scampi.

Okay, Top Chef.

Are you trying to win me over with food?

'Cause it's working.

Well, my mother always told me

the way to a lady's heart is through her stomach.

Do you want to, like, maybe tell me just

a little bit more about her and your family in general?

I would love to hear.

Well, I grew up in North Jersey.

My father is a financial advisor.

And my mom, she owns a bakery.

Maybe that's where I got my great cooking skills.

- I don't know. - Well, maybe you can teach me

some of your cooking skills, 'cause every time

I've tried baking cookies, I always end up burning them.

So, just getting back to the business

of getting to know each other,

do you envision yourself staying in Philadelphia long-term?

This is like an interview.

No.

Kidding! Funny.

It's good we are learning about one another.

Um, but, you know,

speaking of family, um, tell me about yours.

I don't... I don't think

you want me to drop that bombshell right now.

Come on. Tell me. It can't be that bad.

Okay.

My dad ran off before I was born,

and my mom died shortly after I was born,

so a lot of my childhood was spent

in and out of foster homes.

So, yeah, kind of a bummer.

So, yeah, that's my deal.

Wow. I'm sorry. I'm...

No, it's pretty heavy.

- I'm sorry. - Thank you.

No, thank you. For sharing.

And there's a lot behind those beautiful eyes, isn't there?

And you had a meeting last week, right?

How'd it go?

Yeah. It was good. Um, I got a book deal.

I mean, it's with the sixth-best

publisher in Philadelphia, but...

- What? - Yeah. I did get a book deal.

That's unbelievable.

This is unbelievable.

How could she go on a date

without consulting with me first?

Look. We slept together.

D-Doesn't that mean anything?

Evan, you really need to move on.

You're a great guy, but...

Piper doesn't like you like that.

We had something. We had this connection.

Look, Piper's just a complex girl, okay?

She doesn't know what she wants.

You want me to get a condom?

No!

- Okay. - Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh.

Y-You just want to take it slow?

No. No. No.

If you say "no" one more time, I'm gonna go home.

You arehome.

No. I just don't think we need one.

You know, it feels better when it's all natural.

And I'm on birth control, so...

Nope.

Let's do this.

Yes.

Hey.

Did you just take a crib shot of me?

No.

- Yes, you did. - What's a crib shot?

It's something guys do after they have sex with a girl.

They take a picture of her in bed.

Ew!

I know. It's really creepy.

And you gotta up your selfie game, Piper.

My God! You're a creep!

- Two creepers. - Two creepers. Aah!

I was covered in algae.

My God.

Come here. What's your doggie's name?

Hi. Hey. Ozzie?

What's wrong, babe?

- I'm just... - You hungry?

- I don't know if it's good. - Aww.

- Cocktails! Whoo! - Whoo!

Let me get the appetizers. Be right back.

- Okay. Cool. - Yeah.

Sorry. False start.

Here we go.

Cut it out! You're holding up the line!

Hey. Where were you last night?

Um, where do you think I was last night?

Wow. That's the third night this week.

Pretty soon I might need to find a new roommate.

Yeah. Tomorrow's our two-month anniversary.

So cute. And he's gonna meet me after work,

and I'm gonna tell him everything then.

You're really gonna tell him that you're pregnant with another man's child?

What? No!

I'm gonna tell him I'm pregnant with hiskid.

Do you really want your relationship to be based off of lies?

I know this sounds kind of weird,

but I get really excited thinking about

the next one being his, you know?

As long as my kid has a good life, I will be happy.

So, what's the surprise you're dying to tell me about?

Why don't we just, like, go sit over there and I'll tell you all about it?

I made you a little treat.

Homemade.

So, you baked me...

- Yeah, it's a cookie. - I guess I can assume

that the surprise isn't you learned how to bake.

Kidding.

Yeah, no. Still suck at baking. Um, no.

The surprise has nothing to do with that.

Um, remember when we were at the park a few weeks ago

and we saw that really cute puppy and I was like, "my God.

We should get a puppy together."

You got us a puppy!

- No. N... No. - Okay. Cat?

- Frog. Turtle. - No. Frog?

No. No! You got us one of those little teacup pigs!

- Not a pig. - Just tell me, baby!

- Baby. - Yeah?

No.

Baby.

Yeah...?

No. Baby.

You're...

pregnant?

Surprise!

Wow. How?

When?

I-I can't... I can't say for sure,

but maybe it was even our first date.

Wow. I mean, I thought you were on the pill.

I am. It's just that, - Quick medical lesson...

the pill is only 99% effective,

and I guess we're the one percent.

- Whoa. - Your sperm is just

crazy effective, and it just...

pshew-pshew, got in there, you know?

Michael Phelps, but make it sperm.

Strong sperm. Broke through.

Just broke on through. It broke on through that seal.

- Wow. That's crazy. Wow. - Cameron.

We're gonna get through this. You and me.

And... you know.

- Boy or girl? - They. Who cares?

It's human life. It's a... It's cool.

It's cool. It's a cool thing to do together.

- Give me a kiss. - It's exciting.

Maya!

Piper! What are you doing here?!

- I've been looking for you. - I'm being serious.

Why are you here? Remember what happened

the last time you snuck into the hospital?

My God. That was, like, three years ago,

and I was, like, super fuckin' wasted.

Heh.

Sorry. She's very sick. Mentally.

- Why are you here? - She's a patient now.

That's right. I'm going to the vaj doctor.

Please. They're called OB/GYN's.

I-I know what they're called.

- Can I tell you something? - I don't know.

- Is it workplace-appropriate? - Last night,

I told Cameron he's the father.

And?

I mean, he was hesitant at first,

but now he seems super on-board.

He's meeting me at this appointment.

You really think that's a good idea?

You do realize that the doctor's gonna be

able to tell you exactly when the baby was conceived, right?

Yeah, I know. I've thought about that.

But here's the thing. I'm just gonna sort of lie

about when my last period was.

It's only like a three-week difference.

So nobody's gonna know.

Can't believe your evil plan is actually gonna work.

You can't keep calling it evil when everybody's happy.

I wouldn't say that everyone's happy.

Everyone seems pretty happy. I'm happy. Cameron's happy.

It's such a shame your new girlfriend couldn't join us.

Mom, Piper and I broke up.

Evan!

Mom, it's for the best.

We wanted different things, you know?

I wanted to date her.

She wanted me to not date her.

But how could anyone not want to date my little pop star?!

I'm not a pop star. My band plays alt rock.

Evan, honey, you don't have to

pick apart the food I make for you.

You know it's always fully cooked.

I know, Mom.

But E. coli can be a tricky little beast.

Well, if you think there's a chance she's the one,

don't give up.

Thanks, Mom.

I thought I'd be more nervous,

but I'm, like, actually... I'm excited!

Excited. I know. It feels, like, so real.

Yeah.

- Hi. I am Dr. Chapman. - Hey, Doc!

And you two must be Mr. and Mrs. Brennan.

We're not married, but he ismy boyfriend.

Yeah. Cameron. Hey. Nice to meet you.

- How are you? - Okay. Nice to meet you, too.

God, you're so cute.

Um, and so what brings you here today?

Well, I believe I am pregnant.

Took some home pregnancy tests,

and they came back positive, so...

- Yeah. - Really just here to, like, confirm it.

Okay. Let me just take your medical history.

- Okay. Cool. - Okay.

Do you have any underlying medical conditions?

- No. - No.

Okay. Do you smoke, drink, do recreational drugs?

- No. - Not right now.

Not at the moment because of...

- this whole thing. - That's funny.

Okay. Let's keep it that way. Is this your first pregnancy?

No. I had an abortion in 2011.

Okay.

- Babe, you had an abortion? - Yeah.

And when was the first day of your last period?

Eight weeks ago, and the reason I didn't,

take a-a test sooner is because I was really just,

like, feeling really scared and nervous.

That's totally fine, okay?

We're gonna do an abdominal ultrasound

and see what's happening inside, okay?

Alright. So I'm going to need you to lift up your shirt.

- Okay. - Okay. Lift up your shirt.

I'm going to put some gel on your abdomen.

It's going to be a little cool.

- It's gonna be cold. - You're insane.

- Ooh, wow, that is cold. - It's cold.

- Yeah. - Okay. Alright.

Okay.

Okay. You see that bubble there?

That's the gestational sac. And inside it is your baby.

You're definitely pregnant. Congratulations!

Yes! The baby in there... on there... in...

My God. Um, okay.

- So, what's next? - Yeah. Next steps.

We determine the due date

and we come up with a prenatal care plan.

Okay. So w-when's the due date?

Okay. Let's see.

The fetus looks pretty big...

to be only eight weeks.

Piper, you sure your last period was eight weeks ago?

- Yeah, positive. - Okay.

Based on your last period, your due date is mid-February.

I guess you just have a really big baby.

Whoo! Yeah! Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Yeah, it's gonna be a bruiser.

Yeah.

Here is a print-out.

- What? That's... - Whoa.

Whoa!

That's the baby.

Okay, cool, so we're, like, done here, though?

This is so pretty. Lot of different flora and fauna.

Wow.

Hey! Mom, Dad, we're here.

Wow, they just leave the door open?

Suburbs.

My God. You grew up here?

Yeah.

- Cameron. - Hey!

Sweetheart. Mwah!

And you must be Piper.

I am. It's so great to meet you.

The pleasure is all mine.

And there's my future grandchild.

Joe, get in here!

- Coming. - May I?

- Coming. - Yeah.

Hello, darling. It's your grandma.

My apologies, sweetheart.

I've been totally preoccupied with Old Man Maloney next door.

Had to beat him down a couple times on the squash court.

I'm sure.

Old Man Maloney's the same age as you, pal.

He doesn't play like me, now, does he?

You know.

Hi! So nice to meet you.

- Piper. - Joe Cassidy.

- So... - Lovely to meet you. Piper?

Piper. Yeah.

Well, now that we're all acquainted, come on inside.

Okay. Aww! That's such a cute dog.

- That's my other son. - What's his name?

- Bonzo. - We had to put him down

a couple weeks ago.

So, there I was,

out of bait, entirely.

I spot this 42-pound striped bass,

and he's staring me right in the eyes.

And how did I catch it, you ask?

How... how did you catch it?

You know, I ask myself the same damn question...

Who would like some hors d'oeuvres?

I've got your favorite, Cameron.

Pesto with a goat-cheese spread.

Diane! I was right in the middle of a story.

Joe, nobody cares about the striped bass.

We've heard it a million times.

You caught the fish with the scraps of your lunch.

But she's never heard it before.

There'll be plenty of time

for you to share your stories with Piper.

She's part of the family now.

Aww.

And on that note, Piper...

There's something that I want you to have.

Yeah.

It's an old family heirloom.

- Mom. - I can't take that.

My mother gave it to me when I was pregnant with Cameron.

My grandmother gave it to her.

I always dreamed that someday I would give it

to my own daughter, but seeing as I only had a son,

I thought it would be fitting if I gave it to you.

The mother of my first grandchild.

This is... wow.

It's, like, the nicest thing anyone's ever given me.

I'm so happy these two are hitting it off, you know?

I was a little nervous after your initial reaction.

Well, obviously, I was a little shocked.

I mean, who wouldn't be?

You kids have only been together a couple of months,

but when I heard how Cameron talked about you on the phone...

Mwah.

Seeing you two together today,

I don't think I've ever seen you this happy, Cameron.

No.

My God.

Do you know what this is?

It's magical.

Like a classic Cassidy family moment.

Yes! I know what you're thinking, Dad.

I think we need a photograph.

- Yes. - Yes!

- In front of the mantelpiece. - Come on now.

What are we thinking?

- Time for a group family photo. - Come on.

Okay.

I want to get Bonzo in the background here, okay?

Okay, squeeze in tight.

And then, un, deux, trois.

- Family! - Family!

Are you okay?

Mnh-mnh. No. No.

What's wrong, hon?

It's just, all of this, you know, it's...

it's a lot.

It's a lot.

What do you mean?

I didn't grow up like this, you know?

This is utopia, and that was not my childhood.

You know, so...

Listen, I just... I just...

I just want you to be happy, you know?

They're just really excited, you know?

If you can give them a break, it's their first grandchild.

Come on.

Come on, we miss you out there.

Come on, we miss you out there.

Come on. Let's go.

Now try it with me. Breathe in, breathe out.

Hey, P! Can you put headphones in?

Now the baby is en route.

Sorry! I forgot you were home.

Hey, what's going on?

Jane Brantley sent me over so many notes.

Okay. When do you have to submit your new draft?

Next month.

But I haven't made any progress in, like, weeks.

It's just, like, really hard

to write about any type of relationship

when I'm going through all this stuff with Cameron.

Like, how am I qualified to give any kind of dating advice?

Why don't you just take a break?

I mean, you've been in here all day.

I was.

I was watching some Lamaze videos,

'cause I signed up for a class.

Are you also gonna move to Connecticut

and open a tiny candle shop?

Okay, that does sound very nice, actually.

What, are we in the '90s?

What?

- Cassidy? - Hey!

I wanted to thank you so much for, you know,

allowing me to leave early today.

Yeah, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Tanaka just sent over the initial deal points,

and he wants them reviewed by end of day.

Okay. Um...

Yeah, I was, - Remember I, -

I was, told you I had an application

with my girlfriend this afternoon.

Well, staying late with me will have its perks.

She's actually, like, on her way over here right now.

So, this is, t...

to juggle, you know?

Relax, Cassidy,

I'm talking about making you partner

when Lord comes back from Florida.

But I like where your head's at.

You're talking about making me a partner?

So, I take it you'll be staying late?

Geez.

Just imagine the life you could give her and your child

on a partner's salary.

Let me think about that. Yes.

This is amazing!

Meet me in my office in 10.

And, Cassidy, I hope you like cheesecake.

- Hello. - Hello.

What the actual fuck is going on in this office?

She's, like, whispering sweet nothings in your ear

about cheesecake?

It's not... it's not what you think.

You guys were cheek-to-cheek.

You were basically slow dancing.

- Shh. - You shh!

She was just, like, offering me a promotion, actually.

Okay, obviously, it's cool if you get a promotion.

We all love a pay bump. We all love a title bump.

- Yes. - But come on.

That's like an H.R. nightmare waiting to happen.

Yeah.

What about Lamaze class?

Can we take a rain check?

Come on! I paid in advance.

This is really important to me.

Can you just go by yourself? Just this one time?

Yeah, yeah. Happy to go by myself.

Yeah, I'll just fly solo to Lamaze class,

and you can stay here and lick cheesecake

off of your gorgeous boss with the perfect teeth!

Enjoy your cheesecake!

We will. Thank you.

Hi. For Piper.

Evan: Good evening, Miss. If you're hungry,

there's supplies to make s'mores behind my seat.

My God. Evan.

Evan Ebert, at your service.

Of course you're my Uber driver.

It's not exactly how I envisioned our second date.

Jesus Christ.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Maya told me you're seeing someone, and...

Well, I'm assuming it's going really well,

based on your drop-off location.

Yeah. Thought it was going well,

but here I am, going to my first Lamaze class by myself.

You want to talk about it?

You really want to hear me bitch about my problems?

Yeah, of course.

Feels like a conflict of interest, you know?

No, that's ancient history.

No, I'd love to hear you bitch about your problems.

Okay.

- I care about you, Piper. - Evan...

Come on, I... You know I do.

Seriously, I'm all ears.

Okay. Well, if you insist.

I met this guy, and...

I thought he was a really great match for me.

I saw a future with us, and I saw us having a family together,

and now everything just feels a little off.

Now it really sucks.

And I'm not thrilled about going to Lamaze by myself.

That's easy. I mean, you just gotta do the Humming Dove.

It's my favorite move. I love Lamaze.

You know Lamaze? What is happening?

Well, I get super nervous when my band's about to perform,

and so I got online,

and I started looking at all these relaxed breathing videos

and came across all these Lamaze channels, and it's awesome.

It's not just helpful to moms. It can help anyone.

I've found this one technique

where you inhale through the nose,

exhale through your mouth while audibly humming.

Like...

- Ooh... - Okay, okay, okay.

It works great. It helps me a ton.

Very interesting, Evan Ebert.

I'm learning a lot about you today.

And while you're at it,

you gotta check out Mommy Two Be's channel.

- Hers is the best. - Did you say, "Mommy Two Be"?

- Yeah. - I'm obsessed.

I watch her videos all the time.

- Breathe in. - Yeah.

- Breathe... breathe in. - Breathe in.

Breathe out... 'til the baby's en route.

My God. And you use that, like,

when you're just with your bandmates?

They think it's weird when I say that part,

but then we put on a good show, and they shut up.

- It's great. - Very interesting.

God, Mommy Two Be.

I wish she was going with me to Lamaze class.

I love her.

I-I don't think it's too weird, but I-I could go with you,

if you need some support or help.

I'm good. I'm good. But thank you.

That's really nice of you to offer, but no.

- It's not... - That's what she can say...

You wouldn't have come if I didn't.

Right over there.

I see the seat.

This is weird.

Okay. Wow.

God, I'm, like, breakdancing.

- My gosh. - What?

That's Travis Boyer.

- Want a yoga block? - Maybe.

- Who? - You want a ball instead?

I want a yoga ball.

He's, like, the top music executive here in Philly.

- I can't believe he's here. - Yeah.

Why don't you go introduce yourself before class starts?

- Can we have pizza? - Tonight?

- Yes. - We had pizza yesterday.

I'm not gonna bother him with his family.

I'll do it some other time, maybe after.

- But I still want pizza. - Okay.

We can have another pizza. What kind?

I want to leave. I hate this.

- We're here. - I hate it. I hate it.

- Comfy? - No, I'm not physically

comfortable, I'm not comfortable with you here.

I'm guessing this is your first child, baby.

You can tell?

You look more scared than Antwaan every time

I tell him "I just want to take myself out for a drive."

Because every time you go for a drive,

you leave me home with them kids.

This is cute. You guys are cute.

This clearly is not your first time doing this.

We have two at home, but I do promise you this...

with each one, easier than the last.

We do it for the bonding experience, you know?

Keeps us close.

Give me that sugar.

It must be nice.

Good afternoon, moms and dads.

What a presence.

Good evening.

My name's Steve. Welcome to Lamaze class.

To start off, I want you all to sit pretzel style

across from your partner.

Hold each other's hands as you breathe.

Deeply.

As you breathe, I want you to explore

every part of your partner.

I want you to know their heartbeat.

It's very intense.

I want you to look into their eyes and discover their soul.

I want you to be the baby.

Okay. Just...

Excellent. Great start.

Now, moms, stay where you are.

Dads, get behind your partners.

Place your hands on their shoulders.

Now it's time to show your sensitive side.

Moms, I want you to continue with your deep breathing,

as if your baby's on the way.

Dads, I want you to give support and strength

throughout the whole process.

Just listen. Listen to my words.

Be the peanut butter to her jelly.

- The macaroni to her cheese. - Okay?

The Harry Potter to her Hermione.

Actually, Harry and Hermione aren't like that.

Their relationship is strictly platonic.

Shut up, Travis.

This is a safe space.

Piper, you are a beautiful flower.

You are so strong and you have so much love to give.

You will be an incredible mother,

and with every breath that you take,

you radiate love straight from your heart

to your child to all those around you.

Damn, that was smooth. My boy got game.

I want every dad in this room to take notes from this guy.

That's exactly the type of support

it'll take to get through this pregnancy.

Everything okay, Piper? You seem a little quiet.

No, everything's fine.

I'm just... I'm just thinking about the class

that we... that we went to.

Yeah. Yeah.

That was... It's funny

how everyone kept thinking we were a couple.

It's weird.

Yeah, it was hilarious.

Hey, what about that Steve guy?

That guy looked like he should have been oiling up on

Venice Beach instead of teaching pregnant women how to breathe.

He was... he was a buff dude.

- Yeah. - Yeah. He was... yeah.

He was a big dude.

- Well... - Whoa.

Here's your stop.

This is your stop, too, right?

Aren't you gonna come upstairs?

Yeah, actually I'm gonna run over to Office Depot.

My band has this big gig coming up at the Union Firehouse

in a couple months, and I want to print up some fliers.

That's, like, a great venue.

That's huge. Wow. That's a big deal.

Yeah, yeah, it's, definitely our biggest show to date.

Wow.

You know, I, - I do have a printer

if you want to just use my printer.

You don't have to go to Office Depot.

- Well, are you sure? - Yeah.

I mean, I got like 100 copies to print, so...

Yeah. I mean, I have, like,

hoarder levels of paper in my apartment.

It's all yours.

Hunky dory. I'll be sure to print up an extra one for you.

I still want you to see one of my shows, okay?

Yeah. You know, I can...

make a cup of coffee if you come upstairs.

We can, like, settle in.

You can tell me all about the gig and your music and...

Ooh, I don't know.

My mom says it's usually not good

to drink coffee after 4:00 p.m.

Maybe I'll make an exception?

Okay.

Cool. Don't tell mom.

Don't. She'll kill me.

You also don't have to have coffee.

You could just... come in and hang.

No, I'm just so grateful that you even went with me

to a Lamaze class. Well, I told you...

Hey.

Cam, what are you doing here?

You went to a Lamaze class together?

I like your shirt, man. It's, cool style.

Yeah. Wow.

We're twins.

I got out of work earlier than I expected,

so I made this romantic dinner,

and you come in with the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz.

- Um... - That's a good one.

Yeah, I, - I'm actually Evan.

I'm her, um, neighbor and, um... and I'm also gonna get goin'.

No, you can still use the printer.

- No, it's fine. Fine. - Your fliers.

Follow the yellow brick road, bitch.

See ya, Piper. Nice meeting you, Cameron.

Okay, why are you mad at Evan?

- He did nothing wrong. - He did nothing wrong?

You don't go to a Lamaze class with a girl

if you're not the father of the baby.

I mean, do you think I didn't want to go?

You... You think I wanted to work late?

We need this promotion. We need to support our family.

Look, I'm sorry, you know?

And I'm sorry. Your... Your...

Your friend seemed like a nice guy.

I was inappropriate.

No, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

- Yeah, I'm sorry too. - I'm so sorry.

No, I'm serious. This is new for us,

- and I'm sorry that I... - Yeah.

I just wanted to be with you.

- Really? - Yes, and I missed it.

I'm so sad.

Honey.

I'm sorry.

And you made me dinner?

Is that feta?

Quinoa salad with feta.

I love feta.

What's wrong, baby?

You okay?

- Yeah. - What's wrong?

I'm fine. No, I'm fine. I'm fine.

- Sorry, I just... - Okay.

Just, talk dirty to me.

- Wow. - Yeah.

Alright. Yeah.

- Yeah, bitch. - Bitch, yeah.

Yeah. I knocked you up.

You did.

No, I knocked you up.

- I'm sorry! My God. - What the fuck, Piper?

I'm sorry. I don't know, I don't know.

Okay.

Hey, P? You almost ready?

Cameron said to get to the country club by three...

Hey, are you okay?

I think I need to break up with Cameron.

I can't keep doing this to him.

He deserves real love, and he's just not getting that kind of,

like, true love from me.

Hey, Cameron isn't the only one who deserves true love.

You were right.

Love isn't calculated.

So, guessing you want me to stay here

while you go talk to Cameron?

Yeah. Unless you wantto witness

the most awkward conversation of all time.

Yeah. I'll... I'll hang here.

Besides, I thought it was really weird

that he kept insisting I come along to lunch with you guys.

Yeah.

I think he just wanted to introduce you to one

of his weird friends.

My God. Him and my mom should be in a club.

What's the plan for after you break up with Cameron?

Talk to Evan. I have to tell him the truth.

It's about doing the right thing.

You know what, Piper?

You might not be a bad mom after all.

You might not be a bad godmother after all.

You want me to be the godmother?

Of course.

You should be everyone's godmother... truly.

Stop it. Piper, I love you.

I love you.

Like, a lot.

Wow.

This looks like the Titanic.

Hey, hey, Piper, over here!

- Hi! - Hi.

Hi.

Okay, come on. This way.

I got us a table in a private room.

Great. Um, it's good that we're in a private...

Hey, where's Maya?

Um, that's actually part of what I need to talk to you about.

I told Maya not to come.

Man. I can't believe she's gonna miss this.

Sorry. Miss what?

Miss this!

- Surprise! - Surprise!

Yeah! A surpr...

My. Everyone.

Hi. You're here. That's crazy.

- Hi. - Gorgeous.

- You're radiant. - Thank you.

There it is.

Aah! That's cool.

- Yeah. - You did that.

Hey, a surprise baby shower for the baby mama!

Wow. I...

Just so much joy, you know, flooding through my veins.

So, go ahead and tell me. What did you want to talk about?

Um, actually, can you give me a second?

I'm just gonna go make a quick call.

Okay.

He threw me a surprise baby shower.

Like, everyone I know is here.

His family, our friends. Even Jane Brantley is here.

Hold on a sec.

Why didn't he tell me about this?

Babe, you're a bit of a blabbermouth.

Maya, I need you here, right now.

Please, whatever you're doing, stop and make this a priority.

I need you to come here now, okay? Please?

Are you still gonna break up with him?

Yeah, I'm gonna break up with him in front of

everybody he knows. That's a real smart move.

Can you just get here?

'Cause I'm fucking flipping out. Fucking flipping out.

I'm sorry if my tone is intense, but I need you.

I just need you here 'cause I'm dying. I'm dying.

I'm dying. I'm dying. I'm dying. I need you.

I need you. I need you. Just get here.

Alright, I'll be there in five.

I love you. I'm obsessed with you. Bye.

Whoo-kay.

It's the Pipester.

Cameron was right. This stuff is really good.

Hey, here she is now. Hey! There's my little lady.

- Hey. - It's so great to see you guys.

I'm actually going to read

your new draft tonight.

I've been traveling the last couple weeks.

I get it. No... No worries.

I... I... I can't wait to hear your thoughts.

Yeah. Well, I will catch you two later.

There's some fancy-looking dumplings,

and they're not gonna eat themselves.

- Nom-nom-nom. - Hey, so what do you think?

Some surprise party, right?

Yeah, just a quick question.

Um, how did Evan Ebert make the guest list?

I... I invited him. He's your friend, right?

Plus, I... I kinda felt bad about freaking out

on him the other night.

- Yeah. - Well, that's thoughtful.

Hey, Maya's here. Okay.

Hey, hey, now that everybody's here,

I would like to say a toast, please.

Hi. Um, so come... come on. Let's gather round.

Glasses up.

Well, first off, I want to thank you all so much for being here.

You know, it's amazing when we can all

come together... friends, family...

and celebrate what will be the birth of our first child.

You know, we all know that this is a surprise party for Piper,

but you know what?

It's not the only surprise.

Piper...?

I know that the last few months have been a roller coaster,

to say the least, and we've had our ups and downs.

But, at the end of the day,

there's nobody I'd rather start a family with than you.

And I, - I want to do what's right.

- Piper Brennan... - God.

Will you marry me?

Yes. No.

God.

I'm sorry, I can't.

I can't do this.

When we went on our first date,

I was... I was already three weeks pregnant.

I'm so sorry.

Um, I'm so sorry. So sorry.

I just wanted to do what was best for my kid.

Er, what I thought was best.

I didn't want the father of my baby

to be the father of my baby.

So, I went looking for a replacement dad.

Sick. I'm sick. I'm sick. Sick.

But then I found you, which was great, at first,

because you're you.

But the longer I kept lying,

the more I realized I don't want to be this person.

You don't deserve that.

My kid doesn't deserve that.

And, the father of my kid doesn't deserve that.

Evan, that's you.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

This is getting ridiculous.

You've got to get your life back together.

What life? I can't write this book.

Cameron's mom is leaving me all of these, like,

really angry voicemails,

and I keep getting calls from Cameron's attorney.

To top it all off, I'm having a baby real soon,

and Evan won't even talk to me.

You're lying on the couch eating chocolate and covered in filth.

When was the last time you even showered?

Tuesday.

You did not shower yesterday.

Last Tuesday.

Seriously?

Don't cry!

Evan lives right across the hall.

- Just go talk to him. - Yeah. Just talk to Evan.

No big deal.

Look. Look what happens.

Come on.

Watch.

Evan.

I know you're in there.

Can we please talk? Please?

Evan!

Wow, I guess he really does want nothing to do with you.

I mean, I didn't think he was gonna forgive me easily.

I just... I didn't think it was gonna be like this, you know?

I'm sorry.

Feels no fear like a twisting river.

You know, it's got to flow.

Thank you all so much for your support through the years.

It is a pleasure for me. Cheers to that.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Um, hi.

I'm looking for Deer in Headlights.

We're Deer in Headlights.

Perfect. Um, do you know where Evan is?

Backstage, doing his pre-show rituals.

Hi.

Piper.

W-what are you doing here?

You always said you wanted me to see your band, so...

here I am.

And other... other things that need to be discussed.

Um, it's okay. It... Yeah.

I'll start...

Evan, I've changed.

Seriously. I... I've been going to Lamaze class alone.

Kind of into it.

And, um, I can't bring myself to write this book.

But it's been a really good thing,

'cause I was writing a relationship book,

and I'm not qualified to give advice on relationships.

I fucking suck at them. Clearly.

So, I got this memoir goin'.

It's about, you know, my pregnancy and...

the mistakes I've made.

So, maybe you'd want to take a look at it.

Okay, um, could you maybe just look at me?

Piper, I'm happy for you. I... I really am.

That doesn't change what you did.

This show is really big for me, so I'd really appreciate it

if you'd just... just left me alone and quit bothering me.

I'mbothering you?

I'm, like, pregnant as fuck with our child...

So now you call it "our child"?

"Our child."

I would have gone my whole life

not knowing I had a kid because of you.

You know how much that hurts?

Yeah, I... I messed up.

So, I'd love to at least apologize, if you'll hear it.

Fine. Go ahead.

Okay. Um...

God, I'm so sorry!

I don't know what I was thinking.

I'm a sociopath, maybe. I don't know.

I don't think I am, because sociopaths don't cry.

I've heard. Anyway...

I get if you don't want to talk to me,

or know me, but

it would be really great if you knew your kid.

I think they'd really like you.

'Cause I also like you just as you are.

That's from Bridget Jones's Diary!

I just rewatched it!

Okay.

Okay.

I am sorry.

Those are cool drums, by the way.

Have a good show.

Evan. Evan! Evan!

What are you doing?

Humming Dove. Humming Dove.

Hit it!

♪ We were worlds apart

♪ Though you lived just down the hall ♪

♪ You were my everything ♪

♪ But never noticed me at all ♪

♪ Until late that night ♪

♪ It was just like in my dreams ♪

♪ You gave me everything ♪

♪ But love is never what it seems ♪

♪ I wanted to be with you ♪

♪ But you had another plan ♪

♪ Too bad for me that it involved another man ♪

♪ Our love can not be planned ♪

♪ It's got to twist and flow like a river ♪

♪ Our love can not be planned ♪

♪ But for us, I'll always deliver ♪

♪ Our love can not be planned ♪

♪ The changing tides is what makes it true ♪

♪ Our love can not be planned ♪

♪ But know I always plan on loving y-o-o-o-ou ♪

Yeah!

Thank you.

That's our new song.

It's called "Plan B."

Sometimes, the first plan doesn't always work out.

Hit it!

One, two, three, four!

Thank you guys for coming out tonight.

We're Deer in Headlights!

Evan, that was quite the performance.

Travis Boyer! That's incredible.

What are you... What are you doing here?

Piper invited me.

Wait, wait. Don't forget to take my card.

Yes, thank you. Thank you.

- My God. Thank you. - You guys were so good.

I...!

You're here, right now.

I mean, actually seeing you here and... and inviting Travis?

I mean, man, that's awesome.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry for ignoring you these...

I don't know. I was really confused at first

'cause I-I-I... I thought we used protection, you know?

We did, like, technically, yeah.

Then I-I-I went and checked all the condoms,

and they were like five years expired.

Old. Yeah.

That's... that's my bad, but that's on me.

That's on me.

But, no, I... I wanna be part of that.

I want... I want our kid to be ourkid.

Maybe we could give this a shot?

I say we give it a shot.

No.

No? Wh...

No.

- Piper? - No, no, no.

There's a leak in my underwear.

- So... - A wetness.

- Not in a hot way. - You need the bathroom?

No, this is disgusting. I think my water broke.

- My! N... - So very damp.

Water. Yeah. Hospital.

- Hospital. We... - Yeah, let's go.

- Right? Okay. - Okay.

Yeah. Okay. Everybody, move!

We're having a baby!

Fall out of my vagina onto the floor right now.

- I'm s... - I don't know.

- Breathing exercises. - Don't run into the doctor.

Hey, where's the baby delivery station?

- Hi. Hi. - Hi.

- You know where it is, okay. - I had them get the room ready.

Everything's okay. Alright.

- It's right his way. - Is it warm?

Yes, this is a state-of-the-art hospital.

- You're hot? - A little bit.

- I mean, I'm fine. - Alright, so just...

Can I get rid of the blanket?

Breathe, breathe.

What we talked about when were in there.

Just breathe in, breathe out until the baby's en route.

You're doing great. You're doing great.

Now is not the time to rhyme.

Breathe. Everything's looking really good.

We're getting really close, okay?

Okay, give me the ice. Yeah, ice chips.

Okay, Doc.

Doc, I think we're ready.

I'm not... I'm not hot!

Piper, are you ready to have a baby?

Okay. Alright.

Humming Dove. Humming Dove.

Push on three, okay?

- You good? - One, two... three!

Push, push! You can do it! Push!

I'm shitting and it burns! I'm shitting and it burns!

It happens! Come on.

I'm gonna need another push on three, okay?

One more time, okay, Piper?

- No, no, no, no, no. - You can do it.

Yes, you can. Yes, you can, okay?

We're doing it. I'm so tired.

One, two, three.

Push! Push!

[Evan } Are you feeling it right now?

- Okay. - Push!

Come on! Yes! I'm seeing hair.

- You're seeing... - No, don't look!

Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Get back out if you're not a doctor.

- It called to me, alright? - You're not a doctor!

- I know. - Aah!

- One, two... - Are we pushing?

- Are we pushing right now? - Three. Push!

You got one more in you.

- Ready? - Okay?

One, two, three.

Push!

It's a girl.

Ha! It's a girl!

You did it. You did it.

It's over. It's over. You did it.

- My God. - We did it.

- It was mostly you. - Okay.

You did so good.

You're a lucky man, Mr. Brennan.

I... I'm... I'm Mr. Ebert. I'm...

Well, we're... we're not together.

No, we are.

- Yeah. - Are you chilly?

Right.

Here. Here. I made this for her.

There you go. There you go.

- You made that? - Like that?

Yeah, well, I... when I found out she was mine,

I... I got right to work.

That is really sweet.

What should we name her?

The top of the list was Thom Yorke.

I mean, I like Thom Yorke, but...

Maybe Yorke? No?

What about Myrtle?

I love... I love old-fashioned names.

Okay, keep going, keep going.

Cleopatra? Is that too much?

Maybe Cleo. Maybe we shorten it to Cleo.

That's just fresh.

How do we... I see... Pat.

For Cleopatra. That's okay.