Original subtitles

- Thanks for meeting, all right?

I know everyone's busy, and we've been trying

to make this happen for a while.

The reason you're all here

is because I am a big fan of your content.

One of you has the chance to be our next new breakthrough star

of our "Based on a True Story" spinoff.

Now, I'm looking for someone that America can relate to.

We need a sad story...

Maybe cancer, maybe a dead sister.

Just think, like, "American Idol."

Go.

- My parents died in a car accident.

- Ooh, ooh, ooh. - I have diabetes.

- My mom abused me.

Me too. Me too.

- Yeah, well, I mean, guys, no surprise there, right?

If, uh... hey, I am so sorry.

One second.

Oh, hey, how are you?

- You fuck! - You fucking psychopath!

- We've been calling you for an hour.

- What is wrong with you? - Why aren't you picking up?

We called you ten times in an hour.

- Guys, guys, guys, one at a time, please, people.

- Okay. You said you weren't gonna kill anyone.

- Uh, no.

What I think I said was, I wasn't gonna kill Michelle.

- Oh, my God!

- I don't want to use the word "hero,"

but she was gonna turn you in.

- What? - How do you know that?

You don't know that.

- How do you think I know, Nathan?

She told me.

She called the cops.

- Oh, that's bullshit. You... you know what?

We can't believe a word that you fucking say, Matt.

That's the thing.

- Why did you frame me with the dart?

- Yeah!

- We're supposed to be partners.

- Nathan, if I wanted to frame you,

I'd have dumped her body on Sunset Boulevard,

all right?

I just want you to know

that I could frame you if I ever wanted.

- Okay, here's what you're gonna do.

You're gonna get your ass over here,

and you're gonna clean this up.

- Uh... oh, you mean the body?

Yeah, no.

That's on you guys.

- What... uh, I'm sorry.

We're not gonna dispose of Ruby's fucking body.

Are you out of your mind? - All right,

but, uh, she's gonna start to stink up the place,

and your new fancy Malibu neighbors

are gonna be up your ass.

All right, I'm back.

So sorry.

Any more trauma? Keep it coming.

- Fucker! - Okay. He can't hear us.

Just call him back. Call him back.

- Okay, okay. - Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

- Guys, keep 'em coming.

Write 'em down.

I'll be one sec.

Hello.

- Um, we can't... - No, we can't do this.

Please, you have to come help us.

We can't do this. - Please, Matt, please. Please.

- Ah, Jesus Christ.

It's like dealing with children.

All right, fine.

Meet me at your place in an hour.

- Our place? No, we're not...

We're not meeting at our place.

Absolutely not, no.

- It's totally cool.

I'll just... I'll hang with Tory.

- What? - Uh, no.

- No. - You will not hang with Tory.

- Don't be late.

Bring the body.

- Oh, my God.

- We're fucked.

- Okay.

She's gonna be okay.

He's not gonna do anything.

Try her again. - I'm calling.

- Hi, it's Tory. Leave a message.

- Voice mail again. Oh, my God.

He's gonna kill her. - He's not.

Don't say that.

He's not gonna... he's not going to kill her, okay?

- He's gonna kill her.

- Move!

- Got the keys? - Yeah. Let's go.

- Okay. Okay.

Okay, okay. All right.

Come on.

- Tory. - Tory?

- Tory? Hey. - Tory.

- Tory.

All: Surprise!

Happy anniversary!

- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God. Hi.

- Oh, my God, hi! - Hey.

- Are you surprised?

- Yes! - Ah, what a surprise.

- How you doing, buddy? - Hey.

- Oh, my God, yes, I almost gave birth.

- We got you so good. - We got you good.

- Okay, wait, get together.

Smile.

Cute. Say "ten years."

- Yeah, you can frame that. - Cute.

- Oh, my God.

- I don't know what he said to get you guys here,

but he guaranteed it would be on the dot.

- I kept my promise, right?

- What did he say to you guys?

- Oh, you don't want to know. - Yeah.

- It was crazy. - It was crazy.

Yeah. Yeah. - We had to race here.

- You know what?

You're gonna get me back.

- We sure are, yeah.

- I have to pee.

- Guys... - Yes.

- Thank you. - And then this is gonna be...

We're gonna party.

- What a night we're gonna have here.

Thank you, everybody, for coming.

I'm gonna be right back.

- Oh, hi. Look at you. - Hey, great to see you.

- What are we gonna do?

- We act normal.

- Oh, act normal. - Yeah.

- Okay, cool.

Act normal with Ruby's fucking body

in the trunk of our car?

- Fucking nuts.

- How did he know?

How did he know that she knew?

- I have no idea.

- Like, I... - Hey, guys.

- Get out there right now and take care of the body.

- Hey, it's a party.

- Get your ass out there right now and fucking fix this.

- Guys, I really think

you need to fix this yourselves.

- Yeah?

- And when you do... bonus...

I figured out how we can protect the spinoff

from the woke police. Both: What?

- We're gonna make the spinoff inclusive.

- Okay, I can't talk about this right now.

- Hey, would you just hear me out?

Thank you.

Right, so what we're gonna do is,

we're gonna give a voice

to the marginalized serial killers...

The BIPOC killers, the disabled killers.

We are gonna take their voice, and we're gonna raise it up.

- Marginalized serial killers? - Mm-hmm.

- Are you fucking insane?

Where would you even find those people?

- We have a chat room.

It's kind of like an affinity group.

- Huh, 'cause it kind of sounds like

a forum for terrible people.

- It's a safe space where

people can trade stories, talk craft.

- Dead body right in the fucking driveway.

- You have lost your mind.

- Really?

Because I've already had some Zooms,

and the response is amazing.

- Oh, my God, you've... You've had some Zooms?

That's so great.

Did you guys also make some TikTok videos,

you and your little killer friends?

Do a little couple dances together?

Let me tell you something.

There's not gonna be a spinoff.

There's not gonna be a universe.

Nothing. - All right, fine, fine.

All right, fine. Fine.

You don't have to do it. - Great.

- All right. - Fantastic.

- Yeah, I don't need you.

I'll do it on my own.

- What? - What?

- The hell you will.

This was my idea.

I created this podcast.

- I am the podcast.

- Hey, guys? - Hey, Tory.

- Hey, Tor.

- Hi.

Um, someone crashed the party.

- What?

- Hey, here's the happy couple.

Can I talk to you outside?

- Yeah.

Sure.

- I don't know what you're doing here.

- Yeah. - You weren't invited.

- I know.

I know, and look, I totally get it.

I just thought that we've been friends so long...

- Give me a fucking break.

You shot my dog, Simon.

- No, I know.

And I am really, really sorry.

- Are you sorry you put a gun to my head?

Sorry about that?

- I can't even believe that I did that.

It's like... - The fuck is wrong with you?

- I think I just fucking lost it.

And this whole open marriage bullshit,

it's just... it's just been eating away at me, Nathan.

And I... I just... like, I...

I think I was just doing it to be cool.

And I'm not.

It's just not me.

- I don't care.

- Thank God Ruby and I worked it out.

- You worked it out?

- Yeah. Oh, yeah, we're doing great.

Just had to hit reset, and she's gonna come here.

She'll tell you.

But we're not gonna fuck around on each other.

We got a new dog, Duke Jr.

- Are you kidding me? Duke Jr.?

You can't just pretend this didn't happen.

- Oh... - You shouldn't be here.

You weren't invited. - Okay, I get it.

- You should leave, okay? - No...

- 'Cause I'm starting to get really fucking pissed off,

Simon. - Okay, no, no, no, no, no.

Let me make this up to you.

Uh, I'll get a house in Belize,

and we'll get the whole gang together, you know? We'll...

- Yeah, that's the thing about you, Simon.

You think you're better than me, but you're not.

- You hear that?

- No.

- Is that a phone?

- What?

I don't hear anything.

- That... there's a phone.

It's, uh... - I don't think so.

Maybe it's coming from across the street?

- No, it's definitely not.

It's definitely, uh...

it's definitely coming from in here.

Yeah. Let's open it.

You got the keys? - They're inside.

Hey, don't worry about it.

- Whoa, what if somebody's trapped inside?

Get the keys. - Hey, hey, look.

You know what?

Let's put that stuff in the past, okay?

You and I are cool.

Come back inside. - Really?

- Yeah, we are... We're totally cool.

Let's put it behind us.

- Oh.

- I've done some crazy shit too.

- Yeah.

- What about the prenatal classes?

How are they? - You know what?

I never went.

- Girl... - Yeah, no.

- But it's, like, showtime.

- Well, um, kind of. Not really.

- Well, look, has anyone told you about the guy?

- The who? - The shit guy.

- The shit guy. - The what?

- No, I mean, you're gonna shit on the table,

and that's okay. - Okay, quiet.

- He's gonna wipe it... - Okay, guys, you know...

- And the diapers, the big, giant vagina diapers.

- Oh, huge. - All right,

you know what, guys? Maybe we can stop talking...

- With the ice inside.

- It's like a snowman is going down you.

- Your pussy is gonna be on ice for weeks, months.

- Well, this is a great party.

- You got a guy in the kitchen putting edibles up his ass.

- Right up his ass. - Oh, my God.

- I would do that.

Uh, give me one second, okay?

Bye.

We're not ready for this, baby.

- Ruby's phone is ringing in the trunk.

- What?

- Yes, come on.

- Seriously?

You left her phone in her pocket in the car?

Are you nuts? - I'm sorry.

It's my first time dealing with a dead body.

- Oh, my God.

Oh, God, I can't look at her.

- Okay, how do you turn this fucking thing off?

- Don't turn it off.

- The cops can fucking track us.

- I'm sure this thing has been pinging

every cell tower since we left Malibu.

We'll deal with that later.

We have to see if Matt's telling us the truth.

- Okay.

Well, do you have the code?

- Uh, no.

- All right, well, what do you want to do?

- Oh, my God.

Uh...

okay, okay.

Just, uh... oh, my God, move her face towards me.

- Okay.

- Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

Oh, it worked. - It worked.

- Okay. All right, I'm gonna check if anyone's called.

Uh, unknown caller.

There's a voice mail seven minutes ago.

- Play it. - Okay. Okay.

- Now, this is a message for Ruby Gale.

Detective Quincy Burrell of the LAPD

Westside Ripper Task Force returning your call.

- Oh, my God. - It sounds like you have

very relevant information. - Shit.

- She did call!

She was gonna turn us in!

- Here's my personal cell.

310-700...

- What did she tell them?

- Fuck. - 5647.

- Fucking mother... Relevant information?

What kind of fucking relevant information do they have?

- She was gonna make baby an orphan.

- What are you guys doing?

- Hey.

Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off.

Yeah, we're coming!

- Okay, speech time.

Everybody come in from the kitchen, please.

- God, I love a speech.

- You know, you're a fucking asshole.

You left the fucking phone on her on purpose.

- Yeah.

I wanted to throw you in the deep end,

see if you could swim.

- Guys, shut the fuck up.

- Simon was out there.

What if he saw something?

What if he knows her fucking ringtone?

- Well, then we take care of Simon.

- When does this end?

- Well, that's the beauty of it.

Never ends.

- All right, okay.

So I don't really know if anybody knows this,

but Ava and Nathan kind of saved my life.

Um, our mom died when I was 10,

and Ava was living out here with Nathan.

And I got stuck with my dad and step-monster in Chicago,

and I kind of wanted to blow my brains out.

So I called Ava,

and she drove cross-country,

picked me up, and brought me here.

She and Nathan gave me a life and a home

and a family.

You guys always looked out for me,

and that baby is so lucky to have you guys as parents.

Seriously.

Am I right?

All: Yes.

- I love you.

- Love you.

Thank you.

- Happy 10-year anniversary

to Ava and Nathan.

To Ava and Nathan.

- Ow, ow!

- All right, let's party.

- Bye. Thank you. - Yeah, take care.

Thank you. Hey, buddy. Thanks... thanks for coming.

- Bye. Thank you so much. - Oh, buddy.

- Bye. Too many ass gummies.

- They are really kicking in now.

- Wow. - Nathan.

- You okay to drive? - Yep.

- We'll see.

- All right.

- Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

- Guys?

I got you an anniversary present.

Have fun.

- Okay.

- Okay. Come on, let's go.

- Thank God for the pickleballers.

- Are you sure this is okay?

- Yeah, they're gonna cement it tomorrow.

Cameras haven't worked here in years, so it's perfect.

- How come we never talk about the baby?

- We talk about the baby.

- Uh, no, we don't.

We haven't even bought anything for this little human.

I mean, we don't have a stroller

or car seats, diapers... nothing.

Don't you think that's a little bit weird?

- I guess.

Uh...

I mean, I'm super excited.

But I'm fucking terrified.

- Yeah, me too.

I just want to be a good dad.

I don't wanna let you down.

- You could never let me down.

- Ava, come on, you've been...

You've been so excited these last few months.

You're so... you're so alive.

It's because we're finally getting somewhere, right?

- Yeah, but for me,

it was never about getting somewhere.

It was about being together,

connecting again like we used to, you know?

That's literally all I ever wanted.

- That's all I wanted.

Let's do this.

- Wow.

- Oh, God, good job.

You know, we... we met

at a party for Taylor Lautner.

We were so young.

She was just, like, the coolest girl in the room.

Everyone wanted to be around her,

but we just... I don't know.

We just, like, bonded and sat in a corner

and drank all night.

And she was the most adorable, the most fun.

- And the one that was gonna turn us in.

- Hey, where's the dart?

- Ahh!

- Ahh!

- Fuck!

- Oh, God!

No, don't!

- Ahh!

- Nathan?

Ruby, no, no. Ruby, no, please!

Ruby, Ruby, please. I'm so sorry.

Please, please. - Oh, please don't.

- Ruby, I'm so sorry. Ruby, no, no, no, no, no.

Ruby, no, no, no, please.

Please, please, my baby.

- Fuck the baby.

Ah!

Yes! Yes!

The hot bitch wins for fucking once!

And you know what?

I'm gonna create my own podcast,

and it's gonna be called

"How My Shitty-Ass Friends Protected

"a Fucking Serial Killer and Ended Up in a Ditch

Instead of Me," okay?

Fuck you!

- She looks so peaceful.

- Oh, God, oh, God.

- Okay.

Anything else you want to say?

- Yeah, hurry up.

We got a lot of cleanup to do.

- How long have we got?

- I don't know.

They're having a sexy hotel night.

- That's perfect.

- Hey, we've gotta tell them sometime.

- We will.

Oh, God, this dress.

- What about the name Jack for a boy?

- I like that. - I know. I do too.

It's, like, very old-school, rock and roll, classic.

What up, Jack? - Yeah.

Hey, what's up, Jack? - What's up, Jack?

- Jack Nicholson.

- That's a cool kid.

- Jack Kerouac, Jack London.

- Like it. - Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

- And what if it's a girl?

- I like the name Ellie.

- Oh, Ellie.

- Do you like that one?

- Ellie or Jack.

I love it.

- Yeah, me too. It's sweet.

- Oh...

whose blood is that?

both: Nice shot, Dad.