Original subtitles

(gentle music)

(clatter)

(swish)

(clunk)

(thud)

(tap)

(clatter)

(thud)

(soft thuds)

(crunch)

(streaming)

(snap)

(whirring)

- Ah.

- [Voiceover] Airport South, apologizes for any

delays or lineups for passengers.

Please check your valuables into departure ports

for any reported delays.

After arriving, departures updated in 10 minutes.

- My name is Blutarsky, Detective Blutarsky,

from, uh, from.

- [Voiceover] Detective Blutarsky,

that's from Downtown Division.

- Downtown, downtown.

Come on, Mitch.

My name's Blutarsky, Detective Blutarsky,

from Downtown Division.

Listen, fellow, don't try anything stupid.

A guy like you, strapped down with 50 pounds

of ex, explosives, uh, ah.

- [Voiceover] Please don't do anything stupid, fellow.

A man like you strapped down with 50 pounds of dynamite.

- Ah.

Dynamite, dynamite of course.

Come on, Mitch, get your thespian act together.

How, oh, how do you do, my good madam?

An actor never misses his or her opportunity

to hone their craft, don't you know?

(humming plane engine)

- Hey, mister.

Give a little something to help a brother out?

(cellphone ringing)

Just a sec.

I have to take this.

Hello?

Yep, yeah, I'm glad you called.

Hey, look, when I order a dog,

just send me something without a paw,

or missing a limb, or something, anything.

I need to bring up the sympathy factor.

Yeah, well my revenue's down 20%.

No, three o'clock is out of the question.

I've got an appointment with my broker.

Hang on a second.

Hey, hey, mister, see you on the way out?

(clattering)

(whirring)

- Listen.

Are you a cop?

- Uh, no, but I hope to play one soon on TV.

I have a big audition tomorrow morning.

- You, by rights, you must identify yourself

as a law enforcement officer if I ask.

- I'm not following.

- I offer two price packages,

based on my buggy's two speed options.

- Uh, pardon me, madam?

- Yes, you can have oral at a slower pace.

(humming of motor)

- Uh.

- Or you can have it at a faster rate.

(grinding motor)

But I'll have to charge you extra.

Because of the wear and tear on my batteries.

So.

Are we going to make this happen, or what?

I mean, I've got a couple of customers

over in Domestic Departures,

they won't be wasting time kicking tires

like you are.

- So let me get this straight.

You just scoot around the airport all day long,

evading airport security, while offering passersby

random acts of mechanized fellatio?

- I knew it!

Your aftershave smells like bacon.

Nice try, officer.

Ha!

(rumbling motor)

Vaya con dios!

(steady, slow music)

- That's quite the sign you have there.

Listen, I don't want to be overly intrusive,

but, uh, are you sure someone's not playing

some kind of practical joke on you, I mean,

you are holding a sign that says.

- It's the name of a film.

If you must know.

(electronic tones)

- [Voiceover] Attention passengers, final call for boarding.

- It's not one of those teenage vampire movies, is it?

I mean, I don't understand what's so scary

about teenage vampires.

Back in my day, we had Dracula, uh, we had Nosferatu,

and let's not forget good old Blacula.

I mean, those guys were scary.

Spending a lifetime, suffering the pangs of the undead.

I mean, those guys had character.

I mean, these adolescent vampires today,

I mean, it's like, "Uh, uh dude, I'd really like

"to suck your blood, but it's like, uh, I got to

"download a new app for my phone, so, maybe I'll

"suck your blood later."

You have a serious credibility problem as a vampire

if you've only just started sprouting pubic hair.

- It's an erotic motion picture.

I was hired to pick up the cast and take them

to the Adult Film Convention.

So, if you don't mind.

- That reminds me.

Have you ever seen the movie Magic Mike?

I mean, hear you have this supposedly sizzling

expose' of the world of male strippers,

and yet, there's isn't even like an ounce of full

frontal male nudity in the whole movie.

I mean, how does that happen?

That is like a totally typical Hollywood double standard

when it comes to nudity.

It's ridiculous.

You know, I'm actually waiting for an

old high school friend.

Yeah, we haven't seen each other in 30 years.

Can you believe that?

Oh, oh, how time does fly.

Just seems like yesterday I was like cramming

for like a big biology exam, or worried about a new

outbreak of pimples.

Can you believe that?

Ah.

Wow.

- Oh, my God, you guys, we got a chauffeur!

- Oh, wow!

- Yeah.

- We need a picture.

- Let's ask this old man.

- Oh, um, Sir, would you be a doll?

(nervous giggles)

- Hey, are you ladies ready?

(the girls answer "Yes")

- Okay, smile and say venereal disease.

(all say "Venereal Disease")

(funky guitar music)

(giggles)

- Yeah.

(electronic tones)

- [Voiceover] Attention passengers.

(triumphant music)

- Hey!

- Wow!

- Same old Mitch.

Standing around daydreaming.

- Hey, I was being totally vigilant searching

for you, I swear to God.

- Vigilant.

That's another thing I always loved about you,

using big words like that.

Come here!

- What?

(footsteps and clattering)

- Pretty spiffy jacket you got there, Mitch.

- Oh, this is my, uh, 1970's disillusioned cop look.

I got a big audition tomorrow morning at nine a.m. sharp.

- Yeah, right, I remember you mentioning you were

dabbling in that stuff.

- Well, this is all part of my whole

sensory experience, Dunc.

It's like uh, this is all really important when

you're in the world of the thespian.

- You thespians?

What?

- Come on, Dunc.

Thespians, everybody knows that means actor.

Come on.

- Whatever.

Look, I'm really glad to be here after all these years.

- No, no, no, hey, I got this.

(clunk)

- [Dunc] Maybe I should grab that, Mitch.

- No, no, it's okay.

Isn't there supposed to be some kind of uh,

weight limitations on these things?

It feels like you've got a minivan in here.

- Hey, Mitch, did you see a bunch of smoking

hot girls come through here?

Man, they were sitting up front in first class.

Shit.

All that amazing pussy onboard and I have to get

stuck back with some old fart.

Snoring on my shoulder.

- My car's this way, Dunc.

- [Dunc] Sure my bag's not too heavy for you,

hey, Mitch?

- [Mitch] Oh, no problem, Dunc.

Maybe when I'm done lugging this thing around,

I'll be able to audition for the role of Quasimodo.

- [Dunc] Jesus, Mitch, where the fuck did you park,

on the runway?

- [Mitch] Hey, Dunc, it's not like it's in the movies

where the protagonist always gets to scooch

into the best parking spots, you know.

You know, Dunc, these suitcases?

They actually come with wheels now.

I'm just saying.

(thud)

- [Dunc] Please, tell me that's your fucking car, Mitch.

- [Mitch] There she is.

Like a beacon shining in the wilderness, Dunc.

- [Mitch] Well, saints be fucking praised.

Any longer I was going to have to resort

to cannibalism.

(slow, deliberate steps)

- Ah.

I think I suffered temporary paralysis

in three of my favorite vertebrae, Dunc.

- Is there something you're not telling me

about yourself, Mitch?

- Oh, yeah, well, uh, when I ordered my

customized license plate, I mean, I told

them I wanted it to read, thespian.

But, I don't know, there was some kind of mix up,

- Here we are, after all those years.

- Yes, Sir.

They said it couldn't happen, but,

the dynamic duo's back together once again, Dunc.

(energetic music with a strong beat)

(tap, tap)

(knock, knock)

Well, let's make like a couple of French mimes,

and wave au revoir to this place, Dunc.

What?

- What do I need to do?

- What?

It's a car door, just open it, Dunc.

Oh, hey.

What's this?

I know it's not a parking ticket,

- [Dunc] What is that? - Maybe it's a new,

maybe it's a pizza joint opening, or some

religious tract, let's see.

"The revolution is a lie."

That's rather cryptic.

Ah.

- Wait, wait, wait.

Give it here.

(thud)

(clunk)

(clattering)

- Hm, that's never happened before.

- You don't say.

- What?

- I'm just curious how you start the car.

What do you knock on the dashboard twice

with your forehead, or what?

- Hmph, what?

With the keys, of course.

Hmph, knock on the dashboard twice with my forehead.

That's how you start the air conditioner.

(rumble of engine)

Let's make like a couple of pot smokers,

and head out.

- [Dunc] Do you just make those expressions up, or?

- [Mitch] Those are 100% my own creativity.

- [Mitch] I've got an inexhaustible supply of them.

How about let's make like a couple

of hosers and take off?

- [Dunc] Amazing.

- [Mitch] Or, if you prefer something a little darker,

let's make like a couple of IV drug users

and make tracks.

Feel free to drop those into conversation

whenever you want.

Just be sure to give me credit.

- [Dunc] I'll remember to do that, Mitch.

(mysterious music)

- Welp, here we are, Dunc.

And they said it couldn't happen.

- Yeah, who said that?

- Uh, nobody, actually.

It's just an expression.

- Oh, right.

So we haven't seen each other since high school, right?

And now we're both 50.

Hard to fucking believe.

- Uh, I hate to quibble, Dunc, but, uh,

I'm actually only 49.

Technically, I don't turn 50 for another 11 days.

- Well, anyway you slice it, this calls for a drink.

- Hey, don't worry.

I'm going to take us to our favorite old coffee shop.

- Oh, fuck that, Mitch.

I'm talking about a real drink.

- How'd you get that through airport security?

- I'd tell you, but I'd have to kill you, Mitch.

- Uh, no thanks, Dunc, I generally like to keep

my mental faculties intact when I'm operating

four thousand pounds of machinery.

- So, um, this acting thing, Mitch.

Is that some sort of hobby, or what?

- Ha, it's considerably more than that, Dunc.

I think this time I actually found my passion.

My muse, if you will.

Yes, sir, no more wandering the barren plains

of unrealized dreams for yours truly.

- So, what have you been in?

- What, you mean like which characters I've played,

and roles, et cetera?

- No, I mean, what have I seen you in specifically.

- Uh, well, lately I've been hitting a lot of, uh,

a lot of auditions, uh, you know, like the one I have

This is typically the lifeblood of the working actor, Dunc.

- So in other words, you haven't done anything.

- Well, for your information, uh, I actually had

a callback from the last one.

A callback is actually when. - [Dunc] Let me guess.

When you get called back?

- Yeah, well, anyways, it was for a luncheon

food commercial.

Nationally televised, pays big residuals, by the way.

I played, you know, a boring high school principal,

who, upon ingesting the transformative contents

of said luncheon meat, turns into a libidinous,

fun living rapper.

- You as a rapper?

Jeez, I'd love to hear that, Mitch,

but, uh, I need a drink first.

Ah.

Okay, Mitch, I think I'm ready.

- Hang on, just got to go through a little

actor prep.

That's what we like to call that, in the biz.

Mrap

Mwah.

Mwah.

Mwah.

Mm, yep.

Here we go.

♪ They call me Principal T, you know that I be illin'

♪ Just a chillin' with my homies,

♪ Eatin' pastrami and mock chicken ♪

- And why didn't you get that role, Mitch?

- Uh, well, to tell you the truth, uh,

I do my best to stay confident at these

auditions, but I don't know.

It's like when I get in there, and I see

all those anxious actors,

it's like the desperation's palpable, Dunc.

What, palpable?

Come on, Dunc.

I don't know, anyways, it's like we're all

sitting around on death row, like waiting

for the executioner to come and get us.

Ah, I don't know.

And then by the time I get into the audition room,

it's like, I just choke.

- You got to loosen up.

You know what your problem is, you're just

too fucking tightly wound.

- I don't know man, I mean, I've tried everything.

Uh, breathing exercises, cell visualization,

I've even listened to tapes of deep sea mammals,

copulating.

(Dunc chuckles)

- Jesus.

Now you really need a drink.

- Nah, I'm good.

- Don't let the darkness eat you up, Mitch.

- [Mitch] Look, Dunc.

That's where our favorite old cinema used to be.

No doubt to be replaced by one of those soulless,

cookie cutter multiplexes with 40 screens, and all

showing the same film.

- [Dunc] Hey, I love those new theaters, Mitch.

Big ass seats, massive sound, the whole VIP experience.

Soon they'll have pretty usherettes delivering

hand jobs during the trailers.

- [Mitch] Still, I miss the charm of that old

broken down Movie Palace.

It had character, Dunc.

- [Dunc] Not to mention faulty air conditioning,

rats and cramped seats designed for an average

Other than that, it was real swell, Mitch.

- [Mitch] Here's what's left of our

old high school, Dunc.

Sad really.

- [Dunc] Good riddance to that old prison, I say.

I wish I was there to pull the plunger.

- [Mitch] Come on, Dunc, we learned a lot back there.

- [Dunc] Really?

Like what, Mitch?

- [Mitch] Well, I still remember from biology class

the scientific name for DNA.

Deoxyribonucleic acid.

- [Dunc] I'll bet that's really come in handy, Mitch.

- [Mitch] Surprisingly, it hasn't, Dunc.

That used to be our old skating rink.

Remember, we used to play hockey there really early

in the mornings when we were kids?

- [Dunc] Right.

- Look what I have, Dunc.

Ring any bells?

The Snotty Punks?

From the album, Young, British and Snotty?

I mean, this was practically the soundtrack

of our youth, Dunc.

- Yeah, The Snotty Punks.

Yeah, I can sort of remember us listening to them.

Aren't those guys all dead now?

- Uh, I think the lead singer, Johnny Snotnose

is still around.

Actually, I think that he just got a knighthood.

- Hm.

- Guess that makes him Sir Johnny Snotnose, I guess.

Well, here's to the glory of the past, Dunc.

♪ Because we're young, British

(garbled high pitched whine)

- Let me guess, Mitch.

That never happens.

- I'm very disheartened, Dunc.

I wanted us to just to kind of drive around,

and listen to our favorite old tunes,

you know, for old time's sake.

Here, let me just, uh, you know what?

I'll just wind this up later.

- Well, look, Mitch, don't sweat it.

The past ain't all it's cracked up to be.

- Ah, good choice of words, Dunc.

Cracked up?

Look what I have.

What do you think, Dunc?

- Yeah, remember we used to drive around

on Friday nights and toss these puppies at people?

- We used to do that?

You mean, when all our friends were out getting laid,

we were driving around throwing eggs at people?

Wow, that is beyond depressing, Mitch.

Look, Mitch, I appreciate your attempts to recreate

the old magic, but, maybe we can have those

for breakfast.

- So, how are you and Cindy doing?

You guys were married like practically right

out of high school, Dunc.

I mean, that was like, almost 30 years ago.

25 years is silver anniversary, what does that make

30 years, I wonder?

- I'm guessing arsenic.

That's what three decades of torture should get you.

You should be proud of your accomplishment.

I mean, especially in this kind of world,

that's just lacking any kind of loyalty.

Hey, I remember we voted you guys couple most likely

to stay together until death.

- Oh, yeah, by the way, thanks for that.

No pressure there at all.

- You and Cindy, I mean, you guys are

still together, right?

Aw, Dunc.

I just feel like a little piece of my soul is missing,

just knowing that you're not together.

- You'll get over it, Mitch.

So, um, what about you, Mitch?

I mean, any wives, girlfriends.

- Huh, me?

No way, Dunc.

I'm keeping my eye on the acting prize.

- Yeah, you sure wouldn't want to miss any

of those luncheon meat commercials of yours.

- Well, hey, Dusty Hoffman, one of our generation's

finest actors. - [Dunc] Wait, wait.

Dusty?

I thought his name was Dustin, Dustin Hoffman.

- Well, his friends and associates.

- Of which you're neither.

- Well, apparently, when he's on set,

by on set, I mean.

- Let me guess, it means when he's on set.

- Yeah, well, apparently Dusty he lets

the cast and crew call him by that name.

I mean, my, my acting coach told me that, actually.

- Well, you know, I'm sure, Mitch, that, that Dustin,

Dusty Hoffman, sorry, wasn't scratching and struggling

at the ripe old age of 50, Mitch.

- Uh, I'm actually 49, Dunc, remember?

- Mm, I keep forgetting.

- Yeah, I don't turn 50 for another 11 days.

- So when was the last time you got laid, Mitch?

- What?

- Let me rephrase the question, your honor.

When was the last time you scored some pussy?

- Well, I don't know, Dunc.

Let me go home and check my fornication journal.

- That's what I thought, Mitch.

Look, how about we go cruising around,

and try and meet some ladies?

- What, and toss eggs at them?

- No, Mitch, that's not what I had in mind.

Um, I'm just thinking, the night is young,

maybe we could, uh, find a party and uh,

celebrate our wonderful reunion.

- Uh, I don't know, Dunc.

I was going to take you to that old coffee shop

of ours, and maybe wind it down for the evening.

Because you remember, I got that big audition

at nine a.m. tomorrow.

- Relax, Mitch, you're not going to miss your

all important dog food audition.

- Dog food audition?

I told you, I'm auditioning for the role

of a cop, remember?

- Fine.

How about we go bird-dog some chicks?

- Bird dog some ladies?

What are you, Buddy Holly?

There are very subtle, but very distinct differences

in the Meisner versus Strasberg Schools of Method Acting.

So, I was wondering,

do you shampoo, lather and rinse?

Or, do you shampoo, lather, and rinse and repeat?

So, is it actually karaoke, or karookie?

(laughter)

So, how come the breakfast food industry

isn't able to say, "So, when you're shopping

"for a breakfast cereal, three month's salary's

"a good place to start."?

So, I've heard of a gaggle of geese,

that's one expression that's a little weird.

But, a murder of crows?

Now, whoever invented that, they're just messing with us.

- [Dunc] It's all coming back to me, Mitch.

Your winning touch with the ladies.

- [Mitch] Come on, Dunc.

We're having a great time just getting

reacquainted, aren't we?

Look, here's one of our favorite old haunts.

Remember this place, Dunc?

Let's go get some of that world famous

cinnamon coffee we used to love so much.

Hm, I was wrong, Dunc.

- [Dunc] About what?

- It is possible to get a great parking spot

in real life, as well as in the movies.

This is a great omen.

Come on.

Oh, hey, wait.

- What is it, Mitch?

Why aren't we going inside?

- You know what?

Let's do our old personalized greeting

that we did back in high school.

- What?

- Remember, we went like that,

come on.

(slap)

What, oh, what's that?

That's not what we did.

You've got to really get into it,

you have to really dig in. - [Dunc] Uh, no, no, no, no.

No way, Mitch, I am not doing that, okay?

That is like so 30 years ago.

Forget it.

- Let's just do it for old time's sake?

- Not a chance, Mitch.

Come on, let's go inside.

- So, how's it feel to be back in the old

place again, Dunc?

- I don't know.

It feels like I'm in a coffee shop.

- Ah, we stanched many emotional wounds on our inexorable

march into manhood, Dunc.

Right here, possibly at this very table.

- Whatever.

Mind you, the place does seem a little changed,

I mean the decor and whatnot.

- Alright, what can I get you guys?

- Oh, how do you do, my good lady?

Uh, uh, uh.

Um, um, tonight you have the great honor of serving us

on the occasion of this.

Our first time meeting in nearly 30 years.

We'd both like to partake in a couple of your

world famous cinnamon coffees, my good madam.

- What are you talking about?

- Well, cinnamon coffee, of course.

It's your house specialty.

- Why would anyone put cinnamon in their coffee,

I mean, who does that anymore?

- Well, I'll take two cinnamon coffees,

and you can put the cinnamon between your knees.

You see, my friend and I here who again, may I,

I reiterate, have not seen each other in nearly

30 years, well, we used to frequent your cozy

little establishment, back in our tender, formative

years, and we used to find sweet succor in the

restorative grinds of your blessed cinnamon coffee.

- [Waitress] Again, there is no cinnamon coffee.

Are you guys going, or staying?

- We'll have two coffees.

However you serve them normally will be fine.

Thanks.

What's with finding succor, or whatever?

Nobody understands that.

And will you please stop telling people

we haven't seen each other in 30 years.

They're going to think we just got out of prison.

Jesus.

This place really has changed, Dunc.

I mean, I don't remember serving personnel like that.

I mean, did you see all those tattoos crammed

all over her countenance?

- If you mean her face, Mitch, yeah, I noticed.

Get with the times, will you, for Christ's sakes!

All young people are doing it nowadays.

- Oh, tattoos, hey, don't get me wrong,

I totally understand that.

I mean, one on the shoulder here saying, "Rosie",

maybe a little heart over here saying, "I love mom."

Hey, totally understand that.

But she looked like some kind of headhunter's

straight out of the jungles of Borneo, Dunc.

I'm surprised she didn't just chuck us

in a cauldron of boiling water and try

to make soup out of us.

- I have to tell you, Mitch, I identify a lot

more with these young people.

- Come on, Dunc.

- No, I'm serious.

You know what it's like hanging around

with people our age?

Constant grousing and sniping about illnesses?

I mean, that one's got some kind of tumor,

and this one's bowels are clogged?

I flat out refuse to spend the rest of my precious

years worried about the state of my prostate, Mitch.

- Come on, Dunc, I mean, you can't change who you are.

You think by like associating with the young,

you're going to somehow like absorb all their fresh

vibes and hipness, like through some kind of osmosis,

or something?

- I don't know what all that means, Mitch.

What I do know is I feel really alive with young women.

My last girlfriend was 19.

- Come off it with the shock and outrage bullshit,

will you?

If you had to pick up a dog from the animal shelter,

would you pick up a shiny new puppy,

or some mangy old mutt that can barely still wag

its' tail?

- Hey, those old dogs have tons of character, Dunc.

- Not to mention yellow teeth, bad breath, fleas.

- Here's your two regular coffees,

completely devoid of any cinnamon whatsoever.

- Oh, oh, and, madam?

Just to inform you, neither my friend here or I

have ever served time whatsoever in any correctional

facility or institution.

Just to let you know.

(Mitch sighs)

I feel bad.

- About what, Mitch?

- I mean, why would they discontinue their policy

of serving cinnamon coffee, when obviously, it's like.

- Forget your goddamned cinnamon coffee for a minute,

would you?

God, it's all starting to come back to me, your,

your whining and griping, nonstop, as I recall.

- I mean, the cinnamon coffee's what made this

I mean, who would tamper with that formula for success?

I mean, okay, like for instance, let's say,

I'm a CEO of like, Hersheys, and I was addressing

a boardroom of my top shareholders, and I said,

"Hey, thanks for coming.

"We made a half a billion dollars in our Hershey

"Almond Bars last year.

"Oh, but here's an idea.

"From now on, let's remove all the almonds,

"from our chocolate."

That's just not done, Dunc.

- Listen, forget about your beloved cinnamon

for a moment, will you?

Try some of this.

Huh, what, are you Toulouse-Lautrec ?

- Who?

Is this one of your obscure references, Mitch?

- Uh, Toulouse-Lautrec,

famous Parisian artist?

Uh, rather diminutive in stature,

specialized in painting the underbelly of Paris.

Hung out at the Moulin Rouge.

- I'm sorry I asked, Mitch.

Here, this is going to put some much needed

hair on your balls.

- Oh.

Great.

Great.

- A toast.

- Oh.

- Here's to the death of cinnamon.

(coughing and sputtering)

- Dunc, I don't know whether to drink that,

or power my lawnmower with it.

- I got here just in time to make a man

out of you yet, Mitch.

- Wait, so, anyways, what happened with you and Cindy?

I mean, you guys had like a love for the ages,

I mean, like Romeo and Juliet, Napoleon and Josephine,

uh, Liz and Dick, well, maybe not that last couple,

because they did get divorced a tad too many times,

I'll grant you that.

- You know, if you had the balls to even be

in a relationship, you wouldn't have to ask that.

- Yeah, but I mean, I just slept so much better

in my bed at night knowing that good old Duncan

and Cindy were just out in the universe together,

steadfast as a rock.

- A rock sinking to the bottom of the ocean, you mean.

- How bad could it have been, Dunc?

- Okay, Mitch.

You want to know what finally ended our marriage?

It wasn't some melodramatic event like an affair,

or some cliche' betrayal.

You know what it was?

It was a fucking kitchen blender.

- A what?

- Yeah.

I'm serious.

A fucking kitchen blender.

Every morning at five a.m., Cindy would wake up

and make some healthy something or other,

in the world's noisiest blender.

This thing had a fucking puree setting on it

that sounded like a hundred cats being strangled

at the same time.

I just fucking couldn't take it anymore.

Listen to that for the rest of my life?

Screw that noise, Mitch.

- So, let me get this straight.

You're the first person in history to file

for divorce on the grounds of a faulty kitchen appliance.

- Look, Mitch, I know it hurts to see your role models

crash and burn, but you'll get over it.

Do you know what it's like to surround yourself

with young women, Mitch?

It's like swimming in the fountain of youth.

Do you know what young women smell like, Mitch?

- I pray you're not going to tell me, Dunc.

- Bubble gum.

Bubble gum, and vanilla, Mitch.

You know what women our age smell like?

Decaying medicine cabinets.

- Well, I will grant you this much,

older women do go a little heavy on the perfumes,

that much is true.

- I'm currently seeing twins, Mitch.

They both barely just turned 20.

You probably have toothbrushes older than that, Dunc.

- Who cares?

They practically worship me.

The other day, Hey Jude, by The Beatles came

on the radio, and I told one of the twins

I wrote that song, she thinks I'm a creative genius.

- Hey, I can't believe I'm hearing this, Dunc, I mean,

beyond the blatant musical plagiarism,

I mean, I hate to say this, Dunc,

I think you're going through a very severe male

midlife crisis.

(energetic music)

- So Mitch.

This acting thing, how did you fall into that again?

- Well, there's a huge demand for actors of my

particular demographics, Dunc.

- You mean old dudes.

- I mean, actors like myself, who exude a certain

experienced demeanor.

Apparently, we're in great demand, Dunc.

- I'm guessing because if somebody's a failure

by your age, they either give up acting,

or kill themselves.

Sorry, continue.

- Well, I've been taking acting classes

for a few years now.

Uh, the Method Style, perhaps you've heard of it?

Well, the Method Style, uh, it basically involves

the actor utilizing a series of sensory exercises.

You know, that allows the actor, in this case, myself,

uh, to engage on a more honest level.

- Okay, so, if a character was, say, a loser,

you could draw inspiration from all those

washed out auditions of yours.

- Well, I suppose one could, uh, conjure

up those particular incidents to enhance

a scene's overall verisimilitude.

And then there's the British style of acting.

Based on its' rich history of theater,

treading the boards, we call it.

- Whatever, look, it's all the same to me.

- If you don't mind me saying so, Dunc,

that's where you show your ignorance.

And to enlighten you, between these two very

distinct schools of acting, let me show you

an example of what happened during the filming

of a little movie I like to call Marathon Man.

- Never heard of it.

- What?

With the great Dusty Hoffman,

and the iconic Sir Larry Olivier?

- Right, Dusty and Larry.

Sounds like a lame morning radio show.

- There's this climactic scene where Dusty's

character finally confronts Sir Larry's evil

nasty dentist, in the deep dark New York city

sewer system.

Apparently, Dusty, the Method actor, had to do

a whole ton of takes because he couldn't find

his emotional core, so finally,

Sir Larry, nearly 80 years old and freezing

in those sewers, and hailng from the British style

of theater, finally just turns and looks at Dusty,

and says, "Dusty, why don't you try acting?"

Can you believe that story?

- You know, one thing hasn't changed, Mitch.

You still have that active imagination of yours.

- I remember the sage words of my new

acting coach, Dunc.

Or was it my last acting coach?

Uh, it might've been my last one,

hang on, no, well, my first acting coach,

uh, perished in a mysterious airbag incident,

and let me see, my second one, oddly enough,

got hit by lightning during an outdoor production

of The Tempest.

Fancy that.

- Just sounds like working with you, Mitch,

is a goddamned dangerous job.

- Hey, the acting world is no place

for the diffident, Dunc.

- And that's another thing.

Using words like that.

- What, diffident?

It means shy.

- Well, then why can't you just say shy,

for Christ's sake?

Jesus.

Who the fuck knows what diffident means?

You always did that, you always were trying

to impress people with those ridiculously

big words of yours.

Hi, I'm Mitch, and I've never been laid,

but I've memorized every page of the fucking dictionary.

You know, ever since the airport,

you've been doing that.

Diffident, versimilla, whatever.

- Verisimilitude.

- What?

- It means truth.

- It's all coming back to me, Mitch.

- Why I never bothered to contact you

for the last 30 years.

(rhythmic music with a heavy beat)

- Well, I'm off to the men's room.

Hopefully they haven't gotten rid of that

over the last 30 years either.

(somber music)

Yep, the men's room's still there.

Mind you, it doesn't look like someone's

ran a mop through there since the JFK assassination.

Hey, I didn't know you wore glasses, Dunc.

They make you look rather avuncular,

like someone's favorite uncle or something.

What are those for?

Uh, allergies?

I hope there's nothing wrong with you, Dunc.

- What these?

Daddy's little helper, Mitch.

With these blue pills, we have the ability

to beat God at his own game.

why God didn't want old people having sex, Dunc?

That's why he invented scrapbooking.

- Typical of you, Mitch.

Always afraid of anything new.

- What are you, what are you doing?

Why are you ingesting those, I mean,

you know we're going straight home

when we get out of here, don't you, Dunc?

I mean, I've got that important audition

tomorrow, I mean, I've been talking about it

all night.

- Whoever wrote Go Gentle Into That Good Night never

experienced the joy of a four hour hard on, Mitch.

What?

- I don't know.

I, I feel like you're going to turn into some

kind of sex crazed werewolf or something.

- The medicine doesn't work that fast, Mitch.

And besides, you're not my type.

Trust me.

- Ah.

- Hey, let me help with that, Mitch.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

Hey, you don't pull a coin in my town, Dunc.

I got this.

- Well, thanks.

I'll get you later tonight.

- What do you mean later?

I mean, when we pack it in here,

we're going back home, right?

- Right.

- Okay then, well, let's make like a pair

of skintight polyester pants and split, Dunc.

- Nice one.

- Sorry about the absence of uh, cinnamon in those

coffees, Dunc.

I'm going to wake up in a cold sweat at the mere

mention of cinnamon.

- Ah, I don't know, but all these things disappearing

from the past, it's like, I don't know, it could really

disillusion a guy, you know what I mean?

- You're just figuring that out, are you?

- Yeah, oh.

Oh, you know what?

Hey wait.

Ah, if you could help run my lines with me,

you know, for my big audition tomorrow.

That would be awesome if you could do that.

- Out here in the street?

- Hey, I know it sounds crazy, but.

- I'd really appreciate it, Dunc.

- I don't think so, Mitch.

- I mean, I mean, I'm playing a cop, right?

So being out here in the mean streets, I mean,

that's just going to help me prepare for my role, right?

I mean, listen, I mean, right now, I can practically

smell the danger that's permeating on the nocturnal city,

as we speak.

- I don't think so, Mitch.

(clunks and squeaks)

- I'd really appreciate it, Dunc.

- Okay.

- Yes!

Awesome.

Here, got the script right here.

You play the part of Romulus.

- Romulus?

What kind of a name is that?

- It doesn't matter what kind of name it is.

Look, all you need to know is that you're holed

up in a public phone booth, strapped to the gills

with explosives, and I'm the plucky, hardened

detective who's assigned to try to get you to surrender.

- Right, Romulus, I got it, Mitch.

Okay, let's get this over with.

- Great.

(Mitch clears his throat)

Muah.

Muah.

Muah.

- What are you doing?

- Ah.

This is my acting exercises, Dunc.

Every actor does this.

- You look like a chicken having a stroke.

- Muah.

Okay, okay.

The name's Blutarsky, Detective Blutarsky,

from Headquarter's Division, and, uh,

listen buddy, just hand over all those explosives

and everybody gets out of here alive, buddy.

- Alright, okay, two things Mitch.

Alright, first you said Headquarter's Division,

it's supposed to be Downtown Division.

Second, it's not everyone gets out of here alive,

it's everyone gets out of here in one piece.

- Aw.

- [Dunc] Don't sweat it, Mitch, let's go.

- No, no, no, no, no.

I am going to nail this sucker, Dunc.

- Why the hell should I trust a deadbeat cop like you?

- You can't afford to not not trust me.

- Wait, Mitch.

So, can he afford to trust you, or not?

I mean, it's very confusing, the way it's written.

- Oh, come on, Dunc, you're taking me out of my

actor's sacred zone.

- Well, there's too many nots in there.

- Let's, let's just do it one more time, Dunc,

I promise, just one more time, please.

And, uh, if you don't mind my saying so,

possibly you could imbue your character

with a little more emotion?

I kind of feel like I'm carrying the scene

for the both of us, Dunc.

(thud)

(hum of engine)

I mean, what's with all these lame Hollywood movies,

all these elderly protagonists, and their bucket list.

I mean, talk about cliched screenwriting.

I mean, they have these guys like climbing Machu Picchu,

and jumping out of airplanes, parachuting.

If there was even a shred of truth to these movies,

about their bucket lists,

the number one thing that these guys would want

to be able to do is actually have a painless

bowel movement for once.

Or, maybe even for once eating a steak dinner

without having to use a straw.

You know, Dunc, it's not as if I don't want

to be in a relationship.

I mean, I'm only human, after all.

- Mitch, turn right.

- What?

No, no, my, my place is just straight this way.

- No, no, I'm telling you,

take a right at the next turn off.

- Dunc, I know where my place is, it's just right.

Wait, what are you doing, are you crazy?

(squealing tires)

Oh, Dunc.

Look, I thought you were trying to like hijack

my car to Cuba.

Hey, of all the preferred ways I want to die,

a fiery automobile crash would not even rank

in my top ten, trust me.

- Just keep going straight down this street, Mitch.

- What's so important about this street?

- [Dunc] Just pull in right up here.

- Come on, Dunc, I have that big audition

tomorrow at nine a.m. sharp, remember?

You've been yammering endlessly about it

since the airport.

- Hey, this audition is really important to me, Dunc.

You know that.

- Just pull in here.

- What's so important I have to pull into here?

- Well, it's a lot more exciting than cinnamon coffee.

- That looks like the apartment building

from Rosemary's Baby.

- [Dunc] Va voom, Mitch.

(rumbling motor)

(barking dog and blaring sirens)

(clunk)

(thud)

(cat meowing)

- Ah, I don't know, Dunc.

There better be a minimum of three tires

on that car when we return.

Come on, Dunc, let's just make like a pair

of skintight trousers and just tear ass!

- Didn't you use that one already?

- Well, I actually skintight trous,

it doesn't matter.

Let's just get out of here, please.

(tone)

(foreign female voices on speaker)

- [Voiceover] Sh, sh, sh.

Yes?

- Vaya con dios?

- What, you're all of a sudden Antonio Banderas?

(buzzer)

- Bingo.

(suspenseful music)

Mitch, I believe this is the one.

Would you do us the honor of knocking?

- What, me knock?

I don't want to knock.

You knock.

you're going to knock.

Hey, there will be nary any knocking

eminating from me, Dunc, trust me.

- I think you've completely lost your mind, Mitch.

- Whoah, whoah, whoah, wait, wait.

Wait, just.

- What's wrong, Mitch?

- Look, let's just leave.

I beseech you, Dunc, I've got that audition

really early tomorrow morning.

- Shit, not that again.

- Hey, if I don't get at least two and a half hours

sleep before a big audition, I get cranky, Dunc.

- Trust me, Mitch, the universe is unfolding as it should.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait.

- You're killing me, Mitch.

- I knew I heard that earlier tonight,

the vaya con dios, at the airport.

- Vaya con dios.

- And I know this sounds crazy, but

I got solicited for fellatio by Dr. Strange Love's

twin sister, Dunc.

- You know, Mitch, you're right.

- What, that you believe me?

Huh, thanks, Dunc.

- No, that you sound crazy.

Come on.

- Well, wait, wait.

Now that I think about it,

there were a myriad of strange

happenings at the airport tonight.

(buzzing)

(girls say, "Venereal disease")

(dramatic music)

I feel like this is all some kind of a cosmic

warning sign, Dunc.

We can't go in there.

Let's just make like a couple of large

breasted women on a trampoline and bounce.

- Ah, boy.

- I don't know, I just feel like whatever is

on the other side of that door, Dunc,

is going to be either A, bad.

B, trouble.

C, causing one or more of our private parts

to end up leaking.

Or D, all of the above.

- What do I have to do to get you through that door, Mitch?

- What do you mean?

- You name it, I'll do anything.

We haven't seen each other, in what?

30 years, right?

Come on, I really need you with me on this, Mitch.

- Aw.

You'll do anything?

- Anything, I promise.

- Okay, I got it.

Ah, I still don't feel good about this, Dunc.

- Trust me, Mitch, you badly need what's on the other

side of this door more than anybody.

(knocking)

- [Voiceover] Yes.

(squeak)

(clunk)

since my audition for that failed musical

production of Last Tango In Paris.

- [Dunc] Shh.

What?

They were really going to do that?

- [Mitch] Yeah, you bet, Dunc.

I was trying out for the chorus.

They had this big showstopping musical number

about butter.

- Bienvenidos, welcome.

- Good evening, senoritas.

- Senoritas?

You must think you're addressing a room full

of (foreign word), senor.

Trust me, there are no virgins here, Senor.

- Oh, we wouldn't dream of insulting you lovely ladies.

Would we?

But my long lost friend and I here are in humble need

of some of your spicy, Latin company for the evening.

- You know what?

I just remembered, I'm pretty sure I left

a teakettle on, Dunc.

- Don't mind my friend, he's just not used

to seeing so much beauty in one room.

- Flattery might get you somewhere, mister.

- Uh, I think the expression is flattery

will get you nowhere.

- One moment, ladies.

What the fuck are you doing, Mitch?

- What, I mean, it's obvious that English

is not their primary language, Dunc.

I'm, I'm just correcting their idioms, that's all.

- Well, lay off with the fucking Berlitz lesson, will you?

You are not going to sabotage this.

I'm sorry.

- Well, all I can say,

relax, you only just arrived.

Don't waste our charity.

It is all, uh, good,

as you say here.

Would you like to see a menu?

(snap)

- Oh, oh, no thanks, late night repast,

they just wreak havoc with my digestive tract.

- I'd be delighted.

Okay, I'll have the Bay of Pigs Massage Combo,

preferably with a redhead, and my friend here

is going to have the Nude Reverse Simón Bolívar.

- What?

- Don't worry, we'll take care of your shy friend.

Meanwhile, you'll find everything waiting for you,

down there.

- Thanks.

I mean, gracias.

Mitch, many are chosen,

but few are called.

- I don't even know what that means, Dunc.

- Have a seat, Senor Mitch, is it?

- I don't believe I actually told you my.

- Por favor, Senor Mitch, pull up a stump

as they say.

- Um, you know what?

I think that, uh, and I appreciate all of your

hospitality, uh,

mucho gracias, but, uh, I think, uh, I'm actually

going to stand.

You know, I'm good.

- You don't look so good.

- Uh.

(thud)

Um.

Hm.

You know, I've heard of Goldfinger, but I think

you've got the hole hand here.

- Yes.

- You know, yeah, I really love what you've

It's kind of a Martha Stewart meets early Che Guevara

School of Home Design.

What do you know about Marxism, Senor Mitch?

- Well other than it's a political system based

on the collective masses, founded on the fundamental

principles of egalitarianism, and the collapse

of the capitalistic free market state,

not much, I guess.

- Do you know what the fucking communist pigs

who stole our country have done?

We had the most best golf courses in all of the world,

and they let dogs and the fucking peasants squat

Then end up pissing and shitting all over our beautiful

putting greens.

- Well, hey, you have to admit, some of those private golf

memberships are a tad pricey.

- But not reciprocal, Senor Mitch.

Someday soon, our country will be returned

to its' rightful glory.

Those gutless red devils will be driven back

to there, and our beloved Generalissimo.

will rule us once more.

(grand music)

That day is coming, Senor Mitch, when we will

once again be a (foreign word),

the best country in the world.

- Wow, I mean, best country in the world?

That's quite the bold statement.

I mean, take for instance even a tiny country

like Belgium.

I mean, uh, they practically cornered

the international beer market.

And let's not forget their prodigious chocolate production.

We haven't even gotten to the topic of waffles yet.

I always have a hard time evenly distributing

the butter through all the pastry divots.

- Try this.

We call it Mala Leche.

(speaks in foreign language)

- Um, no thanks, I generally don't partake

of any fermented reptile beverages after six p.m.

Sorry.

- To our beloved Generalissimo.

Salute.

- Well, I'd love to continue this fascinating

chin wagging, but all the interesting aspects

of your culture, but, you know what?

I think I'm just going to grab my buddy over there,

and I think I'm going to just like mosey on out of here.

Yep, it's been great.

(clunk)

- And Lady Grizelda was the most feared member

of Generalissimo's secret police.

They used to call her The Nutcracker.

Those legs have crushed the hopes of revolutionary

scum like so many fucking walnuts.

Will you, will you hear me?

Senor Mitch?

You men in this country,

where we come from our men are (foreign word)

with cocks like stallions.

Not like you, always trying to be all sensitive,

with your puny little dicks like hummingbirds.

If our men likes the way a woman looks,

they would fuck her right there in the street

like a wild animal.

- Well, at least that beats a whole evening

of speed dating.

(speaks in foreign language)

- Sarcasm.

(speaks in foreign language)

- Well, Senor Sarcasm, it appears that you

and your friend will be our guests for some time yet.

- Well, what, I can't stay here.

I have an appointment of the utmost importance

in the morning.

- Have you ever heard a mini sequestro?

It means itty bitty kidnapping.

Well, at least until we clean all your ATM accounts.

Generalissimo thanks you in advance for your

generous contribution.

- Wait, what, I don't have any money.

I mean, hey, I mean, just the other day

I had to put down my pet budgie

because I couldn't even afford the vet bills.

- We call her LaMuta, the mute.

Because those red motherfucking cowards

cut out her tongue.

Chimmy, show Mr. Mitch what they did to you.

- Nah, that's okay, I don't.

(speaks forgeign language)

What the jacket?

No, not the jacket.

Well, uh, hey, hey, what.

Oh, come on.

I need that.

- What is that?

(speaks in foreign language)

(foreign word)

Eggs?

- Oh, I forgot those were in there from earlier.

What are you doing?

Aw, come on.

(clatter)

- What's this?

- Uh, that's my actor's headshot.

Please be careful with that.

- So, you like to play act for a living, no?

Like Peter Pan, no?

Do you think women want to fuck Peter Pan, Senor Mitch?

Over here, tell us something interesting

about this acting of yours.

Por favor, Senor Mitch.

- Um, something interesting about my acting.

Well, uh, actually, to best illustrate the two

distinct styles of acting, um,

maybe I could tell you a little story

about what happened on the set of a little film,

I like to call, Marathon Man.

So, you have Dusty Hoffman, who hails from the

Method style of acting,

and he's doing this scene with Sir Larry Olivier,

who hails from the more traditional British style

of acting.

And uh, he, he couldn't find his emotional core,

and, and, so, he, uh, turned to Dusty, and

and said to him, he said, "Dusty, why don't you

"try acting?"

Um, acting, to Dusty, he said that.

- So, Senor Mitch, this is your legacy?

All this childish play, and the endless.

(speaks foreign language)

- I believe the word you're looking for is

whining.

- Si.

All these endless whining this is your puny legacy.

No?

- We are here to remember

our dearly departed, Mitch,

who tried his best, but,

alas, his best was far from good enough.

Hiding behind the last refuge

of the insignificant sarcasm,

Mitch's minuscule abilities as an actor,

were matched only by his diminutive

and seldom used genitalia.

A daydreamer, bereft of any lasting

human relationships,

not to mention a euthanizer of pet birds.

Mitch's legacy sadly is doomed

to be remembered by no one.

(percussion sounds)

(sizzling)

(mystical music)

(alarm sound)

- Mm, mm, mm, mm.

Oh, God, oh thank, oh.

Thank, gracias.

Gracias.

Ah, ah, ah.

I'm an actor, actoral, I, I have an, a big

audition, no,

I have to go, big audition.

Aw, come on, Mitch.

Look, I sound like Tarzan.

Uh, uh, Marlon Brando, uh,

Robert De Niro.

Come on, Mitch, no, no, no.

Come on, who do young people like?

Ah, ah, Seth Rogen.

Seth Rogen.

(imitates Seth Rogan chuckling)

Seth Rogen, si, yes, yes, yes.

Please.

Oh, yes.

Ah, ah, ah.

Thank you, ah, ah, ah.

(rustling)

Oh.

(swish)

Dunc, Dunc.

We've got to go.

Dunc.

- What the fuck do you want, Mitch?

- We, we got to go, like, I think you brought us

to some paramilitary Hooters or something.

We've got to go.

- I'm not going anywhere.

Jesus, that Anaconda hooch kicks like a mule.

Get the hell out of here.

(bouncy music with strong percussion)

(crash)

- Dunc.

We hardly knew ye.

(thud)

(dramatic music)

(squeaking)

(frenzied music)

(birds chirping)

Where's my car?

- Someone better hurry if he's

going to make that audition.

- What?

How do you know about that?

- Please, Sir, time is of the essence.

(thud)

(humming motor)

(soft, slow music)

(soothing guitar)

(clunk)

I believe we've arrived, Sir.

Oh, and hey.

Don't forget to, um,

break a leg, as they say.

(clunk)

- Ah.

My name's Blutarsky, Detective Blutarsky.

- [Voiceover] Who are you?

- My name's Blutarsky, Detective Blutarsky,

from Downtown Division.

- [Voiceover] No.

Who are you?

- What, my name's Mitch, uh, I'm an actor,

I'm playing the part of Detective Blutarsky.

Are you asking me the character I'm playing,

Detective Blutarsky, or are you asking my actor's name,

Mitch, I mean, what are you asking me, I mean.

- [Voiceover] Who the fuck are you?

- Detective Blutarsky.

That's who I'm playing.

- [Voiceover] I said, who are you?

- Oh, God.

I don't know.

(clunk)

- What do I have to do to get you

through that door, Mitch?

- What do you mean?

- You name it, I'll do anything you want.

I mean, we haven't seen each other for what?

30 years?

But I really need you with me on this, Mitch.

- Well.

You'll do anything?

- You name it.

I promise.

- Okay, I got it.

- Great.

What is it?

(heavy guitar music)

Aw, no, Mitch, not that.

- What?

You promised, Dunc.

(energetic rock music)

♪ Another day

♪ You're bumming on the dole

♪ Every Christmas is a bleeding lump of coal

♪ I wish my potheads

♪ Would pull up Ray Pauley

♪ Maybe we'll start a riot

♪ Down on the trolley

♪ Because we're young,

♪ British, and snotty

♪ Young, British and snotty

♪ Aw, come on, mate

(vibrant music)

- Generalissimo is going to kill me.

(speaks in foreign language)

Ah, come on, please.

Just come off, I am so sorry,

my beautiful, beautiful Generalissimo.