Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language.

Hope you're not going to be drinking on this uni trip.

You ready?

Yeah.

Got everything?

Yes, I already said that.

OK, OK.

Right, well...

..have fun, then. Be good.

Yep.

Yeah.

What's the matter with you?

I know, Mum.

About the man from the bingo.

What do you mean? Don't.

I saw you last week in the car park.

I need to go.

What, you've known for a week and you've not said anything, Beth?

Beth, I was going to tell you. I just... No, you need to end it.

I think you'd like him.

If Dad finds out...

What are you doing? I...

I can't.

All right, boys? Are you trying to snap my neck, like?

Look at that. Show her. All right, Nan.

Eww, Lyd! How sick is that? Who did that, Dracula?

A lady never tells! It's huge, man.

Ah, you ain't a lady.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Miss, I'm literally stood right here, what are you whistling for?

Follow me, please. Now. Let's go. Let's go.

Don't laugh. She always does this to me.

Whoa. Get those hoops out of your lug holes now or I'll eat them.

I promise you, I will swallow them hole. Watch me.

Ah, here she is. Snap, Crackle and Pop.

Did you like that?

I literally just thought of that as I saw you, so... Yeah. Yeah.

Right, now, I need the pair of you to be my eyes and my ears

when we get to that uni.

Anything fishy, yeah, little birdies come chirp-chirp to me. OK?

Like what sort of thing?

Oh, I don't know. Let me think.

Booze, smokes, drugs, aerosols, knives, Pogs...

Pogs? What are they?

..heavy petting and anything in between.

And you're both in charge of allocating rooms when we get there.

Thank you.

Oh, what is he doing?

Oi! Priest!

BLOWS WHISTLE

Get out of the bin!

Miss, I found a dildo!

I know that looks like your scuzzy bedroom,

but it's not, it's a bin. Get out.

Oh, my God. Snap, Crackle and Pop, what is she on?

I know, she's mad.

Yeah, make sure we give ourselves rooms away from her.

What you been up to?

Can I give you that? I'll be back in a minute.

What are you doing here? Thought you weren't coming.

I'm not. You know I think uni's for sheep.

Yeah, yeah.

I, erm...

I came to give you this.

Trying to ruin my street cred?

Street cred? Are you 90?

I thought you could listen...

..if you're bored on the coach or whatever.

Oi, hurry up!

OK.

I'd better go.

I'll let you know my thoughts.

My critique.

Course you will.

Oh. Why am I going to miss you?

You're such a fluffy dick.

Is it cos hanging out with me has been the best week of your life?

Dream on, babe.

OK. Right, bye.

Get ready, my review's coming.

If you don't like them, you're dead to me.

Whatever.

WHISTLE BLOWS

All right, let's start our futures, shall we?

Let's get going. Hop on the coach, quickly as you can.

Right, come on.

Bums on seats. Seat belts on, please.

And just a reminder - no chewing gum, no hot liquids.

Yeah, on that let me be crystal clear, all right.

You pop out a little coffee and you scald the person next to you,

you'll be the ones getting sued, all right, not us.

Miss, what about a cup of tea? Banned.

What about a cup of soup?

Just eat the dried powder, Bethan. I don't actually care.

All right, now, when we get there, remember this, all right,

you're representing this school, so please try and act house trained.

BOY HOWLS

And if you can behave yourselves, IF, me and Mrs Blocker

might show you our party trick later.

CHEERING

Ring-ring, ring-ring. Who's that?

Who's on the phone?

Is that your mum? What's she saying?

I'm literally going to get my stomach pumped.

I'm going to puke over everyone.

I've got a bottle of vodka in my bag. Oh, amazing.

I've got some rum in my flask.

I've got a little bottle of limoncello up my anus. Woo!

God, do you lot ever shut up, like?

What you got? Beth, what have you got? What you got?

Leave me alone. Come on.

Babes. Bye, Beth.

Boring. Well, you're not getting any, then.

All right.

No farting. Got it?

# Ah-ah-ah

# Ah-ah-ah

# Ah-ah-ah

# Oh, no, I did it again

# I let my mind leak out into all my friends

# And now I'm lonely

# Sitting and sink in the blue

# Oh, no, I did it again... # Beth.

# I let myself inside... # Beth.

What? Couldn't you hear me?

Sorry. I thought we could go through the room allocation stuff now.

Er, all right, yeah.

You OK?

We haven't spoken properly for ages.

Yeah, I'm good.

WHIRRING

Yeah.

Doing myself a little frothy coffee here, Jane. Would you like one?

Oh, yeah, lovely, go on.

Miss, I thought you said no hot liquids?

Mind your business.

There you go. It's basically a cappuccino.

Look at that. Thank you.

You're welcome.

All right, come on, shake a tail feather, please.

All right, guys, eyes over here.

Smell that?

That, my friends, is the scent of your impending freedom.

SHE SNIFFS

Sniff it up. Let's go.

MUSIC: Salted Caramel Ice Cream by Metronomy

# I guess I'm messy I'm messy, I'm messy

# I'm all messed up

# I'm messy, I'm messy

# I'm all messed up

# I'm messy, I'm messy

# I'm all messed up

# I'm messy as a boy... #

Once an hour, I think about Lozza Chapman asking if Cam was a virgin.

I wake up at night thinking about it.

You're a virgin, though, in't you?

As if I'd tell you either way.

Why do you care so much?

Well, you can't go to university as a virgin. It's shaming, like.

I'm ashamed to know you.

Will someone please have sex with Travis?

Shut up, man. Please!

No. Don't!

What are we talking about?

Nothing.

Get a grip, he's gay.

Oh.

Lush. That's...

Well done.

Might be backing out.

What are you doing?

Nothing. Just...

Why don't you come and dance?

Hang on. I'll be... I'll be there now.

Oh, Beth, put your phone away. Come on.

No. Honestly, I'll be there now. Come on, have some fun.

MICROPHONE FEEDBACK, BOOING

OK, OK, OK.

Yeah, yeah, allow us, please.

Remember I said if you behaved yourselves,

you could see our party trick?

CHEERING

Now, listen, is anybody here by chance

into their early noughties garage?

Anyone?

Yes, Lozza Chapman, girl after my own heart.

Well, hold on to your hats, everyone,

because after this you will be, so...

Hit it.

CHEERING

# Step in'a the club and them come a turn and them a watch me

# Step on to the floor, man, then a come and watch me and a clock me

# Bass come like a trigger and the DJ come and shot me

# Rhythm take control and nothing can stop me

# Vibes, them got me

# Cos take a glass of water now

# Dance is getting hotter now

# Drowning in the heat and I don't wanna leave

# Rude girl, you know we look hot

# From we tick the time We drip drop

# Tick it and a tock it And a dip it and a drop it

# And a rock it It's my selector, don't stop

# I keep on moving with the lights on

# With the lights on

# So come on, baby, just one more song

# I keep on moving with the lights on

# I keep on moving with the lights on... #

Boo! You bloody fun sponge!

Keep on moving with the lights on, Miss.

Yeah, I will! Watch me wind, yeah!

CHEERING

You think you know me?

You don't know me.

You actually don't know me.

None of you girls know me.

CHEERING

We love you! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Woo!

Come on, stop dawdling.

Move, bed, the lot of you.

Yeah, to your own beds, thank you.

Everyone back to mine! Woo!

At least let us turn the corner, yeah? Nice.

THUMPING MUSIC

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Do you know any funny jokes?

No.

Woo!

Come on, pussies!

Drink up!

Oh, my God, no. Oh, God.

What the fuck is that? Cheers, cheers!

I didn't mean you, cunt chops!

Cheers.

OK, ready? Drink up, ready?

Fucking hell, that's rank.

What is that? Is that mouthwash?

Don't give it to me, I don't want it!

Beth, Beth. Beth, who's this, who's this?

"Two fat ladies! 88!"

Major breath, man, get away.

LYDIA LAUGHS

"One little ducky, number nine!"

All right, OK, OK, all right, can I get another shot?

Yes! Thank you! Get in there!

Okey dokey. Oh, my goodness.

HE LAUGHS

Oh, God. The love bite.

Get that down your nose.

I just can't believe it.

Can you imagine if they had a baby?

Oh, my God, it would be fucking feral.

We'd have to take it straight to borstal. Yeah!

Oh, dear. I can't.

You know, um...

..I don't care where your mother works, don't you?

Yeah.

I know. She, um...

Yeah, she...she does actually work in HR, though.

She's just working part-time at the bingo,

cos she's saving for a new car.

Is she? Hmm.

Do you reckon she'll let you drive it?

Yeah, she says she will, yeah. Cool. It'll be sound.

What are you two being boring for?

Sorry, we're just talking.

Move, move. OK. Oh, all right.

Sorry. Budge up.

I think I'm going to go to bed in a minute, to be honest.

No, you're not. We should play some drinking games.

Everyone, let's do some drinking games.

Shut up, Poppy. No-one likes you.

Ugly bitch.

What the fuck is her problem?

Yeah, her love language is being mean.

Mm.

She must really love me, then.

No, she really doesn't.

What's going on, Trav?

What's your story?

I know Beth's obsessed with you.

Oh! Are you obsessed with me, Beth?

As if!

I'll tell you his story.

He is...

He's really clever, he's really smart... Mm-hm!

..and he's always got a nice perm!

THEY LAUGH

And he always laughs at my jokes, don't you, babe?

Er, how is that a compliment for me? That's a compliment to you.

Er, yeah, yeah.

And he's really interested in how interesting I am.

Oh, no, no, no, you're... Oi, Poppy...

Get off. Poppy. SLURRING: Lyds... Lyds...

What are you doing?

Poppy, hon, hon-bun.

Come here, I need to talk to you.

Hold that. Cheers.

What? Right, woman to woman,

stop chucking yourself at Beth, right, cos it's embarrassing, mate.

What? Lyd, stop. She doesn't fancy you.

Why the fuck are you friends with her?

Why are you still talking to her? She hates you!

No, she doesn't. Yeah, she really does.

And how would you know?

OK... Come on, this is mental, stop this. Let's just have another drink and settle down.

No, seriously.

Cos she's my best friend. I know everything about her.

You really don't, babe.

Right, ladies, look, I know I'm amazing,

but there's enough of me to go around.

Yes, I really do.

OK.

If that's what you think.

Fuck's that supposed to mean?

Beth?

SHE GASPS

Beth?

Well, me and Poppy just kissed. It's not a big deal.

HE LAUGHS

I fucking knew it!

SHE LAUGHS

Fish breath!

Thanks.

Just shut your mouth for once, like, grow up.

Fuck.

PHONE BUZZES

PHONE DIALS OUT

CAM: Hello?

Hi, this is the University of Coastal Wales.

We're just calling to let you know that we've had to pump your friend's stomach.

Oh, my friend?

Sorry, I think you might have got the wrong number, mate.

What's happening, bruh?

Just sat here planning to kill you after you slagged my music off.

Look, all you need to know about me

is that I will say anything for a laugh, OK?

PIANO MUSIC

I don't feel tired.

Shall I tell you a bedtime story?

What story? Don't know.

Um... Right, OK.

Say a random word and I'll make it up.

Um, OK.

Buttplug.

OK.

Um... Right.

Once upon a time,

there was a little buttplug called Gareth.

He was...

KNOCK ON DOOR

Right, sorry, once sec, I'll call you back.

What?

She wanted to see you.

Beth...

Right, that's me, then.

No, you can stay here, please. No, no, I've had a titful.

Poppy... Poppy, take your...

..take your shoe, Poppy.

Just give it here, then. Just come in.

Fuck.

VOICEOVER: I used to dream of this.

I think I'm a bit drunk.

Yeah.

Really sorry about earlier.

It's OK.

But be fair,

I haven't told anyone and I easily could have.

Yeah, well, thank you.

POPPY LAUGHS

Oh, I miss hanging out with you, Beth.

Yeah.

But you're too busy with Cam these days.

Are you and her like, a thing?

I don't know.

I know things got weird.

You thought they got weird.

Do you like her more than you like me?

I don't know. It's early days.

Oh, my God, Pop.

Have you been sick?

Are you OK?

Go to the toilet.

Ow!

POPPY VOMITS

POPPY PANTS

POPPY VOMITS

WHISTLE BLOWS

Morning, rise and shine.

Sorry, was I being a bit loud, then, was I?

Know what I smell? Regret. And alcohol, actually.

Oh, Pops!

You were gagging for Beth last night, weren't you?

Did you neck her?

Did you slap palms, like...?

Get off me. As if, in my dreams.

She slept on my floor, so get lost.

Oh, gutted, Beth. Your growler must be howling.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, potty mouth, enough.

Honestly, you all stink.

Apart from you, Peter, minty fresh. Vidal Sassoon, nice.

Hey.

Hiya.

Could have come and got you. It's fine, I walked.

How was it? Did you have a good time?

Yeah, it was good, yeah. You look tired. I'm fine.

Dad's downstairs.

We could go and get a curry or a Chinese if you want...

No, I'm going to meet a friend in a bit, so...

..just going to jump in the shower.

TV IN BACKGROUND

See you later.

Think we're a hotel, do you?

QUIETLY: Oi! Get in.

What are you doing? Get in! Get in the car.

Dil, we're just nipping out to get some food. OK.

Get in the car. Mum, what are you doing? Stop asking me questions.

CAR ENGINE STARTS

CAR ENGINE STOPS

We don't have to stay long.

I just want you to meet him.

I'm supposed to be somewhere. It's not all about you.

Beth, for me, please.

Will you look at me?

Beth, will you look at me, please?

What's the matter? Why won't you talk to me?

Dad's going to kill you.

You do know that, don't you?

VOICE BREAKING: Then what am I going to do, on my own?

Oh, love, I know.

You don't need to worry.

I'm going to get us both out.

BETH SOBS

OK.

SHE BREATHES SHAKILY

OK.

CAR DOORS CLOSE

Stop it.

Hello, all right? Hiya.

Sorry, we can't stay long.

Aye, no bother.

Brace yourself. I've got someone here who's buzzing to meet you.

She's here at last, Ffi.

Hiya.

Ffion, this is my girl. This is Bethan.

FFION: Hi.

Want to fetch her the present?

Sit down. OK.

Just something little.

Your mother said you liked writing.

Oh, thank you! Wow.

Cat mad, this one, aren't you?

FFION LAUGHS

You look nice, Trin.

Oh, shh. Got my old T-shirt on.

Right, who's for tea? Yeah. Yeah.

I'll help you.

This is lush. I love this.

I know, it's gorgeous.

Do you want to see something?

Yeah, OK, yeah.

Oh, wow!

Is that...is that a bowling ball?

Yeah! My dad got me this for my birthday.

Do you think it's cool? Oh, it's really cool!

Do you have brothers or sisters?

No. Me neither.

Are you a cocoa girl, Beth? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, right. Hey,

you've got to show her the back of your snazzy jacket now.

Wait for it!

Ta-da!

Oh, wow! That's amazing. That's lush.

Can I have a high five?

Aww!

DOOR CLOSES

We're back. Grub's up.

What the hell took so long?

I left my purse on the bus and they called me to come and get it.

That was lucky.

Yeah, it was.

That's mine.

Hey.

Oh, hey.

Sorry about yesterday.

No worries. Your loss.

Cool.

Shall we...? Yeah.

So who was knocking on your door in the middle of the night?

Yeah, that's a funny story, that.

Yeah? Yeah.

Did I ever tell you that me and Poppy had, like...like, a thing?

You know full well you haven't told me.

Yeah, well, we did, ages ago.

It was her.

Amazing, great.

That's all I'm getting, is it? Yeah.

What can I tell you? I'm a popular girl.

This is unbelievable.

Nah, basically, she, um...

..she's just jealous.

She just busted into my room, threw up

and passed out next to the toilet.

Lovely. Yeah.

What's she jealous of?

No idea.

You're right, by the way. Uni is crap.

Don't even think I want to go now.

Then don't.

Spent 50 grand on fast cars and fast women instead.

Maybe I'll come to Marseille.

Yeah, all right.

You can come in my suitcase. Ta!

PHONE BUZZES

Oh, I've got to go.

Oh, yeah, tell me about this tutoring thing, then.

Just got to teach this six-year-old boy how to say, like,

swimming and ice cream in French.

Cool. Can you teach me? Yeah.

For £12 an hour.

Damn!

THEY LAUGH

So...

Can I see you again tonight?

Yeah, if it means that much to you, yeah.

CAM LAUGHS

Joker, man.

THEY LAUGH

So are we, like, um...

..are we going out now, or...?

Um...

Yeah, all right.

Nice stuff.

Don't take the piss!

THEY LAUGH

Hey.

All right?

Where have you been?

Just with my friend.

Oh, yeah?

Better go.

What do you think of your mother?

What do you mean?

Been herself, like?

She seem all right? Yeah.

She getting on OK at the bingo?

Think so, yeah.

Come on, then.

Want some grub?

No, I can't. I'm going to meet a friend.

I thought you just saw your friend? Yeah, a different one.

Quick bacon butty, that'll be fast.

No, I can't. I'm going to be late. See you after.

All right.

Ta-ra.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Oh, this is a nice surprise.

Hiya. Sorry, just...

..I brought a little present for Ffion

to say thank you for the notebook.

Oh, bless you, you didn't have to do that.

Come in and give it to her. OK.

Oh, I saw that! What?

You little cheat! Oh, she's a crook.

Don't trust a word out of her mouth!

Are all those yours, there? Huh?

Yeah, I'm a bookworm, I am.

Take whatever you like if you want to read one.

Thank you.

Now, can I coax you to stay for lunch?

Only thing is, Ffion gets to choose on a Saturday.

Chicken nuggets and chocolate pancakes!

Yeah, lush, ta. OK.

Right, let's go again, Ffi.

No cheating!

Little Miss Cheat.

I've got my eye on you.

OK.

OK.

Cheeky!

Right... Ready?

I saw that!

VOICES FADE OUT

PIANO MUSIC