Original subtitles

This programme contains some violent scenes and strong language

FAINT RUSTLING

FAINT CREAKING

THUD

CLATTERING

LOUD CRASHING

CRIES OUT

UNZIPS BAG

WINCES

EXHALES

GROANS

KNOCKING ON GLASS

Hello, Edward.

Where shall I put this?

Anywhere. It doesn't matter. Stick it down there.

What did you want with it?

It was important to Mum, wasn't it?

A lot of value attached to it.

Yeah, she loved it.

Yeah. More than me and you, probably.

What are you doing? I'm giving you a hug.

I've not seen you in ages.

Shall I put a light on?

Obviously not.

People know the new owners are away on holiday.

We don't want to attract attention.

Telling me off already.

I'm not telling you off. Attacking me.

Oh, calm down, Harry!

So how have you been? I've been busy.

Various...ventures.

Trying my best, you know.

That bar in Menorca never worked out, then?

SIGHS

"What about you, Harry?"

"Oh, me? I've just been here looking after Mum.

"Then she died. I had to organise the funeral.

"I had to sell the house. I don't know if you know that."

Look, I'm sorry that you had to deal with everything, OK?

But me and Mum... We didn't get on.

I hate how everyone ends up in bungalows. Why is that?

It's just easier, isn't it?

No more stairs.

Did you find out anything about them?

Who? The couple

who bought the house!

No. It all went through the agent.

I'm surprised they haven't decorated.

They've been in a year.

It's not been a year.

Not quite.

It's weird. They wanted everything just as it was.

Furniture included.

Did they even change the locks, I wonder?

Oh, don't say that. I just broke in!

I thought it'd feel different, but...

..it's just the same.

Even Mum's chair in the corner.

What?

Are you sure...

..that's...where she was?

Why?

Because it really matters, Harry. It really matters

precisely where she died. Are you sure?

Yes. I'm the one who found her, remember? Me.

All right. I'm the one

who was bringing her meals, changing the sheets.

I know, I know! But do you know, Ed?

Because it feels to me like you don't know.

Feels to me like you're swooping in

after all this time, trying to fix everything

when it's all too late!

If it was too late, I wouldn't fucking be here, would I?

We're wasting time.

Where did you find out about all this?

From a book? Yes.

Did you bring it?

This particular book is in the British Library behind glass.

It's one of the oldest books known to humankind.

You have to make an appointment to see it,

and you can only touch it with cotton gloves on.

So that's a no, then.

How will you remember what to do?

I googled it.

You bring everything I asked? Yeah.

Well, go and get ready, then. I'm going to get set up.

OK.

Oh, my God!

LAUGHS

Don't. It's like she's been brought back to us.

Are you sure this is part of it?

I'll bet you wish now you'd just asked her

where all the money was.

She didn't have any money, Ed. She would have told me.

Because she was so straight up!

She never mentioned her life with Dad or...

..any of what they got up to.

Of course she didn't. They were rotten, Harry.

They did some horrible shit and they made a lot of enemies.

Bad people.

She was still our mum.

Yeah. And by rights, she should have died in prison.

Well, lucky for us, she didn't.

Scatter the crumbs.

Oh, they're mouldy. Exactly.

SNIFFS AND SIGHS

For communication with the departed.

They may run our requests.

These devotions to Azazel,

keeper of the bones,

must be enacted

where the dead in life

did perish.

Right there.

Right, let's get on with it.

And we have to do this in the next hour.

Why? Why what?

Why do we have to do it in the next hour?

The process has to occur within one year of death.

Otherwise, the necromancer can no longer

evoke the chosen person.

So...

5am today is one year exactly since Mum died.

That's our cut-off point.

What's the matter? I'm a little bit nervous, Ed.

A little bit trepidatious, if truth be told.

You have a sit-down in the nice chair. I'll get you a drink.

BOTTLE AND GLASS CLINK

No. D'you know what? I don't want to do it.

Harry... Harry!

Let's just consider what might happen.

We're just gonna ask her one little question,

then we're done.

But what if she's cross with me?

What do you mean, cross with you? You're the golden boy.

You always were!

When did she ever find fault with a single thing you did?

STRIKES MATCH

Homework...

Sports day...

Even making a cup of tea, for God's sake.

I was the one that was never good enough.

And this is before I abandoned her to have a life of my own.

You didn't abandon her. Yeah, I know I didn't.

Her words, not mine.

I left, knowing when our stupid thug arsehole father

got himself killed stealing from his own gang,

she'd somehow even blame me for that.

No, she never blamed you.

And she never talked about any other money, Ed.

We scraped by on my benefits.

She was accessing that money from the day he died,

every month.

You never see her bank statements, Harry?

Because I did. She let us scratch out an existence,

and all the while she was sitting on a stolen fortune.

And I don't know about you,

but I really fucking need that money, Harry.

But what if she won't tell us? She will.

But what if she won't? She has to.

She's bound to have to tell us.

That's the whole point of necromancy.

This isn't like a seance. This is different.

We get answers.

SIGHS OK. Close your eyes and breathe...

..nice and calm.

Oh, that's not good.

Red wine on a wood floor? That'll be a deep stain.

Harry...

I think salt can bring it out. Or is it rice?

Don't worry about it. Concentrate on your breathing.

O thou, Azazel...

..keeper of the bones...

..I charge and conjure thee to allow a visit to this site,

as pure of heart and valiant.

So...I undertake these rites as sacred and solemn.

Baking power for the stain.

It's baking powder and vinegar. I'll write them a note.

Sorry. Carry on.

Free from fear's grasp,

I summon Annie Olivia Blackwood

to counsel and abide, as death's empath,

questions we are most readily set to pose.

Keep your eyes closed.

CLANKING

Accept this offering as payment in kind,

death for life and back again.

With blood, we summon thee.

With love, we summon thee.

SQUAWKING

Edward? Would you stop it? What are you doing?

Be quiet. Sit down and close your eyes!

You're not killing Mr Macy!

MR MACY: What d'you want? Stay in the circle!

Edward, you can't! It has to be something she loved.

Come on, Mr Macy.

SQUAWKS

Ow!

That's it!

SQUAWKS

No... No! Stop it!

Stop! Let him go!

SQUAWKS

BREATHES HEAVILY

Sit down, Harry.

I couldn't let you do it.

Sit down!

It was supposed to be the parrot tonight.

But now I'm afraid... it has to be you.

I need to know where that money is,

and you've left me no option!

Ed, please! I'm your brother!

Accept this offering as payment in kind,

death for life and back again.

With blood, we summon thee.

With love, we summon thee. Edward...

With death, we summon thee!

Reggie! Yeah.

What a bloody ding-dong's going on 'ere?

Oh, it's-it's just red wine.

But it'll come out if you use a bit of baking powder.

Shut up, Harry!

You two just need to walk away

and come back here tomorrow,

like you were supposed to.

I don't want any trouble, but you have stumbled upon

a family matter that I need to resolve.

I haven't got a problem with either of you.

Ooh!

No, but I'm afraid we've got

a bit of a fuckin' problem with you, sunshine!

Hurts, doesn't it?

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Here you go, love. Keep your fluids up.

Thanks, Franny.

We had to catch an early flight back

cos Reggie's been feeling a bit moby.

Moby Dick, sick.

So, you're Harry Blackwood's boys?

Yeah. I'm Harry Junior.

And this is my brother, Edward.

What's that smell? What you been up to in here?

Incense.

Jesus Christ! I knew it.

You dirty bastards!

As if it's not bad enough you're fucking each other,

one of you has to be dressed as a little old lady as well!

Not incest, you silly twat.

He's talking about the smell - incense.

Oh! I thought it was just wacky baccy.

Want a wheeze on it, Fran?

You'll be sick with it, Reg. Leave it!

CHOKES

COUGHS

Oh-ho! Shit. That's good.

How did you know our father?

We were, for a time, members of the same organisation,

you might say.

Though your father decided to branch out on his own.

Not too lemon tart, I'm afraid, as a career move.

Didn't end all that well for him.

Oh, God.

You're Reggie Stone.

WHEEZES

Fran...

Get us a Xanax out of me wash bag, will yer, love?

I think I'm pulling a whitey.

You fuckin' baby.

It's not even 'arris tweed you're smoking.

It's pot pourri.

Oh!

She's a good woman, that one.

Temper on her, mind. You wouldn't want to cross her.

Knew your mother well.

As did I. We were close.

So I heard.

We were very close.

Unfortunately, when we needed her to talk,

couldn't get a thing out of her.

I had to admire her for that, in a way.

Your father, on the other hand, was a coward.

He didn't know anything.

I discovered that when I put his foot in a vice

and crushed it till it was only about an inch thick.

Took some doing, mind. I was sweatin'.

Fran said it looked like spatchcock,

which is one of our favourites.

SLURPS

You see, he didn't wanna know where the money was

because he knew he'd squeal.

So he gave it to your mother. It was her that stashed it.

And when she wouldn't talk, you killed her as well.

What? No. No, she died in her sleep.

Yeah, that's right. She died in her sleep.

He'll have injected her with something, Harry.

All in a day's work for this psychopath.

Oh, that's pots and kettles, that is!

If I were to think back not 15 minutes, you were about to stab

your own little brother in the middle of his bleedin' heart!

How could you kill her, Reggie?

You were obviously fucking her for years!

I'm talking, prick!

Have some fucking manners,

now there's a good chap!

GROANS

Now, where was I?

GROANS

Oh, yeah.

May I enquire just what you're doing in my house

dressed as Miss fucking Marples?

What?!

You said Miss Marples.

Edward hates that - Miss Marples,

Cliff Richards, Trivial Pursuits.

Harry, this is not the time!

I don't give a fuck!

D'you want me to spatchcock your foot, Junior?

No, thank you.

Keep your fuckin' north shut, then.

Now, come on, help me out here, gentlemen.

I am, to say the least, a little baffled.

I don't think you'd believe us, even if we told you.

Well, you're just gonna have to let me

be the judge of that, now, aren't yer?

Like the Mastermind of old...

GLASS CLINKS ON FLOOR

..I've started, so I'll finish.

I presume you bought this house

cos my father stole money from you

and you suspect my mother has it stashed here somewhere.

We should feel honoured, Franny.

Looks like we're in the presence

of two giants of the detective genre.

Mr Sherlock Holme and Miss Marples

under our very roof.

I prefer Father Brown.

Father Brown?

Father fucking Brown?! Don't start, Reggie.

It's Chesterton's masterpiece.

Just cos you don't like the bloke what plays him.

I can only see him as "suits you", Franny.

I know. And that's all you go on about.

But I think he's perfect in the role

and I know the books.

Do either of you like thrillers?

Not really.

I like true crime best.

Women Who Kill.

You seen any of them?

I told you not to watch that programme.

It'll give you ideas.

Can I ask what time it is, please?

It's half four in the morning, Sherlock,

and I'm tired.

I just come back off holiday

and I was looking forward to some soot.

Sooty and Sweep, sleep.

Oh. Now I find myself inconvenienced.

I have to spend the night chopping up you two turds

and finding new places in Epping Forest to bury the bits.

Mr Stone, if you want your money,

we don't have long left to find it.

There is a window of opportunity,

but it's closing fast.

You saying you can locate it for me?

Not exactly. Then you and your brother here are rapidly

turning into landfill.

I'll get the bear's paw.

CHUCKLES

Bear's paw? Are they gonna scratch us?

It's a saw, Harry.

You got it.

Here, Franny! Yeah?

First holiday I've had in God knows how long,

come back and I have to deal with all this.

Now it feels like I've never been away.

Yeah, I know.

I don't know where your money is,

but I was gonna ask the one person that does.

Who?

My mother.

I hate to break this to you, son,

but your mother is no longer with us.

I was going to summon her back from the grave,

using the power of necromancy,

to ask her where she hid the cash.

BOTH GUFFAW

Plug me up, Franny.

SAW WHIRS

And there was I worrying about the red wine stain.

No, don't worry about all that.

We've cleaned up worse over the years.

Once had two St Bernards I had to get rid of.

Don't ask me why.

I was picking bits of fur out of me teeth for weeks.

Did you eat them?

CHUCKLES

Which one of you silly sods wants to go first?

Me.

And then after...

..maybe let Harry go.

That won't be possible, I'm afraid.

But very noble of you for volunteering.

Here we go, then!

SAW WHIRS

I'm sorry, Harry. It's all my fault.

It's all right, Ed. I don't mind.

At least we're together.

Try and keep still. It'll be quicker!

I'm gonna start by taking your head off!

SAW STILL WHIRRING

ED WAILS

SAW POWERS DOWN

Franny!

Here, Reggie, I think you ought to have a butcher's at this.

When I had my tarot done on holiday,

it said that something like this was on the cards,

cos I had reversed wheel of fortune

and the ten of swords. So?

Well...it means betrayal.

I think we should let 'em try this, Reg.

Don't be stupid! I need 'em brown breaded,

so I can get some proper kip.

I'm dead on my feet!

Yeah, but, Reg, listen, that woman on the beach said

that I was on the cusp of a life-changing event.

Said I needed to protect meself.

She was just trying to rent you an umbrella.

Well, this could be our opportunity

to turn things around.

This was what she meant.

Is it, though?

You just take all these predictions and make 'em fit.

No, I don't.

Remember when Romany Sue said

you were gonna be attacked by a tiger,

and you said it came true because a box of Frosties

fell on your head in the Lidl?

Well, it's got to be worth a try.

I mean, their old dear

was sitting on the best part of a georgie.

What's a georgie?

George Foreman grill,

mill.

Well, I never!

Go on, then.

Sorry about this. But it was gonna happen anyway.

Ed...

Could you hold this for me a minute, please?

Of course. Thanks.

HARRY WHIMPERS

With blood, we summon thee.

With love, we summon thee.

With death, we summon thee.

Wait! Oh, bloody hell.

I can't take much more of this.

I don't think Harry has to die for the ritual to work.

Oh, and you remember that now, do you?

Necromancy rituals require a sacrifice,

but it doesn't always refer to killing a person.

I think it can be something else.

Flesh and blood, but part of us.

What if...

What if you cut one of my toes off?

Do what?

It might not work, but it'll be worth a try.

Be a lot less to clean up.

Works for me.

All right, then, let's get his shoe off.

Here you are, bite on this.

Thanks. Hopefully it won't be too bad.

You say that, but I think you're probably best

if I take off the whole plate. WHIMPERS

Right! Let the dog see the rabbit!

SAW WHIRS

SCREAMS

SAW STOPS

Oh! Fuckin' doddle!

CRIES OUT

What now?

Well, tie it off.

GROANS

Ooh!

GROANS

SIGHS

EDWARD CRIES OUT

GROANS

CRIES OUT

CRIES OUT

Oh, give it a whack.

CRIES OUT

CRIES OUT

Thank you.

Accept this, our blood offering...

..as a libation,

and manifest thyself without dread,

for...Annie Blackwood,

we do request counsel with thee.

GROANS

GURGLES

Mum?

Mum, can you hear me?

WHEEZES

Harry...

Is that you, son?

Yeah. Yeah,

it's me, Mum.

WHEEZES

How you doing? It's dark, Harry.

Who is that with yer?

It's... It's Reggie.

It's Reggie and Franny.

Hello, Annie.

Good to speak with you again.

Oh, Frances...

I'm surprised you're still with that pig of an 'usband.

You've not left him yet?

No, Annie. We're still together. Aren't we, Reg?

Yeah, yeah. Well, she ain't got rid of me just yet.

CHUCKLES

Mum...

Sorry I wasn't there for you at the end.

Can you forgive me?

Don't worry, son.

WHEEZES

It's done now.

I don't blame you for nothin'.

Annie, we wanted to ask you something,

if you got a minute.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Something I've wanted to know for ages.

I think I know what that is.

Yeah...

We were all wondering...

Was me and Reggie having an affair

behind your back for 20 years?

Well, yes, we was!

And like I say,

I'm surprised that the horrible fucker

hasn't come clean by now!

What are you talking about, Annie?

That's not a very nice thing to say, now, is it?

All them nights he said he was on a job, Fran,

he was half a mile away

hammering me! Annie...

Betrayal! No, she's lying.

Mum? For years, I held out for that selfish bastard.

And what thanks did I get?

He kills me

and goes back to his wife!

Shut up, Annie! You've said enough.

Yeah,

I think she probably has.

CRIES OUT

THUD

When your brother wakes up,

I want you two out of my house.

I'll deal with that mess later.

I'm gonna catch up on Women Who Kill.

FOOTSTEPS RECEDE

COUGHS

Edward?

Are you all right?

I'm cold.

You're probably in shock.

Heh...

I expect so.

Mum doesn't blame me, Ed.

She said so herself. I-I spoke to her.

No, you didn't. Yeah, but she was talking.

My words.

Not hers.

It was me, Harry.

Necromancy didn't work...

..even with me foot off.

Maybe I wasn't something she loved.

FAINT DAWN CHORUS OUTSIDE

Saved us, though, didn't I?

I did something right for once.

Yeah.

And at least we had a sacrifice to Mum after all.

What d'you want?

Mum... Mum?

We have a question for you.

What d'you want?

Where did you hide all the money?