Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

[GENE WILDER'S "CRAZY"]

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

MAN: Who needs Hollywood?

I hear they're really nuts out there.

♪ Give me a town Like old New York ♪

♪ With lots of trees And clean, fresh air ♪

♪ I need a place Where love is everywhere ♪

♪ They say I'm crazy ♪

♪ Just a little bit out of whack ♪

♪ 'Cause I always like To act my dreams out ♪

♪ They call me a maniac ♪

♪ Well, if I'm crazy ♪

♪ What a wonderful way to be ♪

♪ lmagine all the possibilities ♪

♪ If the whole world Was just like me ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, crazy, crazy ♪

♪ Everyone thinks I'm crazy ♪

♪ But I've got a feeling Deep inside ♪

♪ They'd all like to be Just like me ♪

♪ Crazy, crazy ♪

♪ Crazy, crazy, crazy Crazy, crazy ♪

♪ So once in a while ♪

♪ Set yourself free ♪

♪ Who needs reality? ♪

♪ They say I'm crazy ♪

♪ A study in imperfection ♪

♪ But I'm just trying to find A little affection ♪

♪ Wouldn't you like that too? ♪

♪ People say I'm crazy ♪

♪ 'Cause I say the first thing On my mind ♪

♪ I guess freedom is a serious crime These days ♪

♪ Well, lock the door and then Throw away the key ♪

♪ I guess being crazy's Best for me ♪♪

[CHATTERING]

Marvelous salad. Marvelous!

May I have a bit more, please?

Yes, sir. WOMAN: And me too, please.

And count me in. It is divine.

Mm. Mm-mm.

Excuse me. Yes, ma'am.

Tell Sissie everything so far is excellent.

She'll be real pleased, ma'am.

And I'll have a little more of that. Fraction more. Wonderful salad.

Yes, ma'am.

Is it ready?

Needs a little more oregano.

I put a whole lot in already. Well, just a touch more.

Where did you get this? This isn't my oregano.

Out your bag.

That's not my bag. That's the waiter's bag.

Four more salads for four very hungry people

who are very... What's wrong with you?

Harry, what is this?

That's personal.

SISSIE: What is it?

[CLEARS THROAT]

It ain't oregano.

Oh, my God.

You put this in the veal?

And the soup. No.

And the salad. Lord, have mercy.

Grass. My grass.

Jesus. You cooked half my stash!

Hi. Hello. Excuse me, dear.

May I talk with you for just one minute?

Up your kazoo.

My... Wait a minute. Please, I'm not trying to be a pest.

I know that you're an actress. Who are you?

My name is Skip Donahue.

I'm a playwright and I saw you do a scene

from Romeo and Juliet at the Wilson workshop.

I want you to know that you were wonderful.

I'm not just saying it to be kind. You were really lovely.

If you don't get out of my way, I'm going to kick you in the nuts.

[LAUGHING]

Kick in the nuts.

You're fantastic.

I mean, the way you can switch characters like that.

The difference between this and your Juliet is fabulous.

By the way, dear.

I know that you're not wearing anything underneath that coat.

What? I also know that you're a shoplifter.

Part time. What are you? A looney tune?

No. I'm the store detective here, part time.

[SCOFFS]

Oh, she's so...

Mrs. R. H. Was my best customer too.

Yeah, well I was James' best customer.

That's the guy who sold me this African Ganja '65.

Do you understand what you've done to me?

My girlfriend, Caroline, just for a little bit of this,

not only was gonna let me have her mind and her body,

but two of her girlfriends.

She'll ruin me when she finds out. I'm finished.

Maybe she'll think it's the wine.

Think it's the wine? Let me tell you something.

There's no wine in the world that... Smell that. Huh?

This is '65 African Ganja from the motherland.

You understand? It's been soaked in the earth, back home.

This is mean!

One joint of this put Southern California to sleep back in '65.

Did you know there was a revolution in '65?

We went to sleep and missed it, because of this.

This is mean. This is bad.

And you done just spread it over everything.

I hope you had fun, because I ain't gonna have no fun.

SKIP: I saw you try on that dress and pretend to steal.

And you even managed to look guilty, which was terrific,

because you are a wonderful actress.

But what you didn't know is I also saw you

slip in the Junior Miss department,

take off the dress and throw it in the trash bin.

Let me get this right, shithead.

[LAUGHING]

You kill me.

You think that I was a terrific Juliet. You were.

Thanks. And you think that I stole a dress.

And then threw it away. Right.

And you don't think I have anything on under this coat.

I know that you don't. Ha-ha-ha.

[SCOFFS]

[CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]

More wine, sir?

What is this stuff? It's Domestic '65. Hot, isn't it?

Was that a good year? Yes, ma'am. Best ever.

It's a bitch.

What did you say?

I didn't say nothing, ma'am.

Oh.

I...

I'm feeling something very strange.

That's my leg. Hm?

Mm. Oh.

It's all right. Hit him again, Harry.

Uh, yes, ma'am.

Hitting you again, Father. I've never felt like this before.

Now, I'm... Horny?

Mm-hm. Yes?

You know, which reminds me.

You know, there's something I always wanted to ask someone like you.

Do you get much? Not too often.

Just an occasional glass at dinner.

Oh. That's not what she meant.

[ON JUKEBOX] ♪ But you haven't got a chance ♪

♪ You can look But you can't touch ♪

♪ Eat your heart out ♪

♪ You lowdown such-and-such ♪

♪ They're a double feature So go on now ♪

♪ You can eat your heart out ♪

[LEATA GALLOWAY'S "EAT YOUR HEART OUT" PLAYING ON JUKEBOX]

♪ She's boss ♪ ♪ But she's off the menu ♪

♪ She's not yours ♪ ♪ To have or even hold ♪

♪ You're lost ♪ ♪ You can't believe it, can you? ♪

♪ She's bad But her love's as good as gold ♪

♪ You long to possess her ♪

Ooh. Harry. Yes, yes.

The most wonderful thing in my life just happened to me.

Ooh, me too.

♪ Her heart is taken, and yours Is hanging on your sleeve ♪♪

She bad, ain't she?

[LAUGHING]

Harry, I got fired today. I got fired too.

What are you talking about?

I got fired from my... You got fired? Today?

This afternoon? Between 3:30 and 4:00?

Yeah, about that. What happened? I won a big prize?

Harry.

Yeah, baby. This is fantastic.

Yeah. Any deaths in the family? We can celebrate them too.

Don't you know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, I'll just... Skip! Skip.

Hiya, Nancy. Nancy?

How you doing? How you doing, Nancy?

Hey, Nancy! Skip, I'm sitting back here.

Yeah, Nancy. Hello. Sure. Okay, okay.

You don't introduce me to someone like that, man?

She's not for you. What do you mean she's not for me?

Harry, Nancy is a fascinating girl.

Yeah. She may be the single hottest girl

on the east side. Yeah.

But when you wake up in the morning,

you'll find that she's not a very serious person.

Neither am I.

Harry, listen to me. For the first time in our lives,

we're free. Yeah, we're free.

Free to walk out in the cold, free to be ridiculed, free to starve!

No! I don't mean that! I mean we're free to get out of this city!

It's driving me buggy! MAN: Hey!

Hey, mister! What are you trying to pull?

I gave you a $10 bill. What do you think, I'm crazy?

Come on, it's 8.50 on the clock.

Okay? You gave me a buck, not 10! Bullshit.

I gave you a 10.

Hey, man. Why are you trying to steal from me, huh?

Get lost, Chico.

You see what this city does to people?

They need room to breathe. They need a little love. They need affection.

The little guy needs his money.

Big guy needs a two-by-four upside his head. That's what he needs.

All those two fellas need is someone to talk to them gently, with compassion.

That's all that they need.

Are you serious? Huh?

You know that I'm serious. That's what I'm telling you.

That's what I don't like about this city. You're a saint, that's why.

Why do you make fun of me? No, I'm serious.

You ought to go over there to those fellas, because they're gentlemen.

They're gonna understand what you're talking about. You convinced me.

Okay? Just go on over there. You tell them what you told me.

[CHICO YELLS]

[GRUNTS]

Go on over there.

Okay. Skip. What are you...? Skip.

Skip, don't go over there, man.

[GRUNTING]

Skip.

Oh, hi, Lana.

[GASPS]

Call me.

Excuse me. Hold on. Hold on one second, fellas.

Now listen to me. I know that this is a delicate situation.

But let's talk a little sense.

You don't really want to hurt this man, do you?

Oh, no. No. Not at all.

Well, good. Do you want more than what's coming to you?

No, that's all right. Well, then we're halfway home.

Now, can't we work this out in a civilized manner?

It's okay with me.

[GULPS]

SKIP: By the way, sir, what is your name?

[GROANS]

Alex. Heh. Alex.

And you, sir? My name is Chico.

Chico.

Alex, may I present Chico.

Chico, this is Alex. CHICO: How do you do?

[GRUNTING]

Wallet. Wallet. Okay. Okay.

Hey, thanks, sir.

Hey, does this include the tip? Yes. Yes. Keep the other dollar.

Okay. Thanks, man. Thanks a lot.

I'm going to leave you alone now, because you seem to have

a nice, little friendship starting. Okay.

Okay? Have a nice evening. Thank you.

So long, fellas. So long.

Take care.

Oh... What? Oh, oh, oh.

Don't. Don't.

[PLIERS CLATTER]

Well? What if you got hurt, huh?

Did you think about that?

Do you see what can be accomplished

if you can get people to make contact, real contact, with each other?

The man, the little man there, he had the contact.

I think it might have been something you said. He got his point across.

Harry, I don't like it here anymore. I want to get out.

Let's go where there's some sunshine.

Where there's human feelings between people.

Where there's a little tenderness and kindness.

Where the noise level is not so loud. You want to leave New York?

Broadway? Huh? You love New York and Broadway?

I got a callback on a Neil Simon play. I'm an actor,

and I'm going to stay in New York, that's right.

Harry, you made $35 last year as an actor.

Shut up.

I'm not saying... How much do you make

as a playwright? I made nothing as a playwright.

That's why I wanna get out of this place.

Let's go someplace. We can just head out west.

We can grab odd jobs along the way, build up a wonderful little nest egg.

And then head for Hollywood. That's the place for you and me.

Picture it, Harry.

Harry and Skip in the sunbelt.

Out there in the sunbelt, you just smile and they pour money out on you.

And the women. Oh, God, the women.

Natural. Robust. Open. Carefree. Uninhibited.

Healthy. Talk slower.

Okay. You can talk shit.

Okay. Just picture this. What?

You and me, and two girls, romping through the desert,

splashing into the ocean, and the moonlight is out.

And we just catch a glimpse of their bodies

when the moonlight hits their breasts.

And we watch those breasts just bounce gently to and fro.

In the sand?

After the water, we go in the sand.

But we'll have a blanket. You're serious?

You're telling me I'm serious. That's what I'm trying to tell you.

Let's go. Okay. California, here I come.

[♪♪♪]

SKIP: Harry, what's the matter? HARRY: Whoa. Whoa.

SKIP: Uh-oh.

150 bucks? 150?

Jesus Christ. That's gonna put a hell of a dent in our bankroll, man.

Well, don't worry. Jobs shouldn't be hard to find around here.

Here you go. I think this is a bit too much though.

Harry, I have a good feeling about this town.

I really do. I think this is gonna be our lucky town.

Excuse me, sir. Give me the five back, please.

Merry Christmas.

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING NEARBY]

[COUNTRY MUSIC OVER SPEAKERS]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

[PUNCHING BAG THUDS]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Now, how'd you do on the job front?

I didn't do so good. Drew a blank, man.

Oh. Well, I have one possibility. It's nothing ideal, but it's a start.

Harry, I have something very important to tell you.

I love this place. I'm thrilled here, Harry.

I'm telling you, I'm thrilled. I'm thrilled for you.

You can almost taste the atmosphere here.

You know what this is gonna do for my writing? Harry.

[WHISPERING] See those two guys?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] You can see the history of the sunbelt written across their faces.

Those guys will bring your hat to you. Don't worry about that.

Harry, would you excuse me for just a minute? I'd love to talk with those fellas.

I wanna try and capture some of their rhythms.

It won't take you long to do that.

I'll just be a minute. I'll be right back. No, Skip. Skip. Jesus, this guy.

Goddamn. Skip!

[MARY GREGORIY'S "THE LOVE OF A COWBOY" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Hi. Hiya, fellas.

Hello. Hi. How are you?

I'm Skip Donahue. I'm from back east.

Me and my buddy just rolled... "Me and my buddy."

My buddy and I just rolled into town.

And we were wondering, what is the job situation like around here?

Oh.

Wow, that surprised me. You mind if I try it?

♪ And I have the love ♪

♪ The love of a cowboy ♪

Okay.

♪ Cowboys are crazy When they're out on the range ♪

♪ That's just the way They're designed ♪

♪ They all get together And talk how they're taught ♪♪

Eh, whoa, oh!

Skip! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Excuse me, gentlemen. I just wanna speak to my friend. Please, man.

Speak about what? Don't you know socializing

can be hazardous to your health with these people?

Those are nice guys. Yeah, they're nice guys

when they take your head off.

Tell me about the job opportunity. It's in banking.

We don't know a darn thing about banking.

We don't have to know anything about banking. I've sold the manager

on a new promotion idea.

SKIP & HARRY: ♪ Oh, you'll save money ♪

♪ Knock on wood ♪

♪ When you do What a good woodpecker should ♪

♪ Save for a horse Or a brand-new ranch ♪

♪ When you flock To the Glenboro Savings branch ♪

♪ You can feather Your nest with frills ♪

♪ Fill your garage With Coupe de Villes ♪

♪ Just relax if you have a big bill ♪

Are you really a woodpecker?

HARRY: No, I'm just a man pretending to be a woodpecker.

That's a real woodpecker.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

HARRY & SKIP: ♪ What you can do Be a smart bird too ♪

♪ You little pecker, you ♪♪

SKIP: Ta-da!

You gotta admit, pfft, for an interim gig, this really wasn't bad.

SKIP: ♪ Oh, you'll save money Knock on wood ♪♪

[♪♪♪]

MEN: ♪ You'll save money Knock on wood ♪

♪ When you do What a good woodpecker should ♪

♪ Save for a horse Or a brand-new ranch ♪

♪ When you flock To the Glenboro Savings branch ♪♪

[SCREAMS]

MAN: Get your hands down on the floor.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

[GIRL CRYING]

MAN: Hey! Everybody stay where they are and nobody gets hurt.

[♪♪♪]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

HARRY: Looks like trouble. SKIP: I wonder what happened.

Let's not find out, okay?

Harry, it might be something important.

Skip. Oh, Skip.

Would you mind stepping downtown with us and looking at some mug shots?

Maybe you can identify those guys. MANAGER: Sure.

There they are! The New Yorkers!

Is there anything we can do to help? DEPUTY: Is that your van?

What the hell is wrong? No, sir. Yes, sir.

Were we parked illegally?

What are you doing? I can't believe it. This is my first frisk.

Why are you searching me? Listen.

What's your name? I hope you're enjoying this shit.

Sorenson. What are you doing? Listen, officer...

Romping through the desert all right.

But I don't see no naked women.

I should have my head overhauled for listening to you.

My grandmother was right, cow shit for brains.

Me? No, me!

What are you doing? I'm getting bad.

You better get bad, Jack, because if you ain't bad, you gonna get fucked.

If you're bad, they don't mess with you.

Hey, home. Get down. Hey.

You're a little too bad, ain't you.

Yeah!

Do some of these.

Right on. Right on. Hyah!

MAN: Yeah, all right, all right. Here we go.

All right.

That's right. That's right. We're bad. Uh-huh. Ha-ha-ha. That's right.

We don't want no shit either.

That's right. Darn right.

HARRY: We don't want no shit, you understand?

We don't take too much shit. We take a little bit.

We don't take no bunch of shit.

Damn right. Hm.

That's right. Say "no shit." No shit.

That's right. No shit.

No... Hey, try it again.

We don't take no shit. Hm. Shit.

SKIP: No shit.

HARRY: Mm-mm. Get down. SKIP: We ain't shitting.

HARRY: You better believe it, baby.

[GRUNTING]

[YELLING]

[GRUNTING]

[YELLING]

[MAN CLAPPING]

What the hell is wrong with him?

Oh, shit.

Skip. Skip, come on, man. Come on. Skip.

Skip, what do you...? Come on. Skip.

Oh, ho.

Carry me back to old Virginia, Lord. Did you get it?

Oh, there it is.

Right on the end of your nose.

[♪♪♪]

[HARRY WHIMPERS]

Sesamian.

[HARRY WHIMPERING]

Give me a light. He wants a light.

[HARRY SOBBING]

[SNIFFLING]

Right on.

Man wants a light.

A light.

Why?

It doesn't...

Don't... Just doesn't...

Oh, shit.

Short-ass son of a bitch, ain't you? I'm a short son of a bitch.

My father was a short son of a bitch too.

My mother was shorter than him.

And my brother was real short. We couldn't even see him.

He was a short son of a bitch.

What's your charge?

I'm innocent.

Ain't we all? Bank robbery.

Oh, shit.

You can kiss the baby.

Kiss the baby?

What baby is that, sir?

Ask your lawyer.

HARRY: Kiss the baby.

Hi. SKIP: Hi.

I'm Slowpoke.

Hi. This is Harry. This state gives the longest sentence

for everything. Especially bank robbing.

It's misleading. So don't wet your pants.

They have the most liberal good time program.

If the bottom should drop out from under you two innocent badasses,

that's one bright spot to look forward to. Heh-heh-heh.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Okay. Okay.

What? What did he say?

I don't know. Do you know what he said?

Badasses... He said that the bottom fell out.

SKIP: This filthy roach-ridden reality

is inspiring.

What did that second policeman say

when he grabbed you by the throat?

Man, I don't fucking believe you. "Man, I don't fucking believe you."

Fabulous. You don't get it, Skip, do you?

You think this is The Count of Monte Cristo?

We're in trouble. This is the real deal. We're in deep shit.

Harry, you and I are innocent. You know that, I know that.

And somewhere outside, the guys who really pulled that bank job know it too.

But the cops don't know it. Shh.

Donahue. Monroe.

I am entitled to a private interview. Forget it.

Hello, sir. Are you here for us? I believe so.

I'm Skip Donahue. Yes.

This is my buddy Harry Monroe. Harry.

Thank you. I'm Len Garber, your lawyer.

What a pleasure to see you. Do me a favor.

Call this number. It's my girlfriend. She don't know I'm here.

This is very important.

Of course I will. Tell her I'll write her.

There's been a huge misunderstanding.

Huge misunderstanding.

Well, I am more or less familiar with the case.

You know that we're innocent?

Is there not some lightning stroke you can use to cut through this?

This isn't funny anymore. No.

Do they know I hate confinement?

Look, all I can do is shower them with motions, try to keep them off balance.

I've already filed two. Two? You've only filed two motions?

How about a dozen on me? We're dealing with armed robbery

and bodily assault. You might as well have set fire to the Pentagon.

Will the defendants rise?

Considering the facts and arguments presented by both counsel,

and after careful deliberation,

I find the defendants guilty as charged.

Do you wish to waive the right to a pre-sentence hearing?

No. Yes, Your Honor.

Taking into account the severe and ruthless nature of this crime

and the bleak prospects for your rehabilitation,

I hereby sentence you to serve 125 years

in the custody of the commissioner of the Department of Corrections.

Wha...! Wha...! Wha...!

Wait, no, no, no. Wait. No, no, no. Sit. Sit. Sit.

You don't... We didn't do it. There's a misunderstanding.

That's right. We didn't. We didn't.

Our lawyer told us to come up... I know I didn't.

Heh-heh-heh. He's joking.

He means "we." I told him.

We didn't do it. Have you got the right case?

SKIP: This is Monroe and Donahue.

Harry. Harry Monroe. Harry Monroe. Look under there.

Sir... Look under that. Black. Tall.

Sir, we... Black man.

How much does that mean in actual time?

Thirty years, tops.

I'm gonna be a dead old man.

Thirty. I don't wanna do 125...

I don't wanna do one.

I don't even wanna do 100. I can't.

I'm gonna kill this mother...

SKIP: Wait!

I am fighting mad about what happened.

It's not the end of the world. What do you think our next move should be?

I'll get the appeal going.

A hundred and twenty-five years. Stop it.

Oh, God. It's only 30 years.

Get your staff to press harder. I'll be 161 when I get out.

SKIP: Track down those guys who really pulled it off.

It's a one-man show. Come to think of it,

I have a cousin visiting. She's a terrific social worker.

HARRY: A hundred and twenty-five years!

Thanks.

[♪♪♪]

It's chilling. It's frightening and real. It's almost surrealistic.

Cold. Will you shut up, man?

At least till we get out of this mess you got us into.

Let's go. And no slow bucking.

Sir, how come...? Shut up, asshole. And move out.

SKIP: This is ridiculous.

This is from the Middle Ages. How do they expect you to move?

I bet you this whole thing is illegal too.

Sir, wasn't this whole contraption...?

Keep moving, turkey.

JESUS: Get up. Get up.

You're gonna have to learn the hard way, fella.

I was right. This is illegal, and he knows it too.

Jesus.

The man ain't never gonna learn.

Maybe after they whup him upside the head a few times.

Just get into the flow of it. I'm trying to.

How do you get...? Don't fight it.

It's fighting me.

What you up for, sweet pants? We innocent, man. I swear we are.

My name ain't no goddamn "sweet pants."

Oh.

Holy shit.

I think I have the swing of it now. This is much better. Thanks.

My name is Skip Donahue. Jesus Ramirez.

Nice to meet you. Yeah.

What brings you here? Man, I been here seven years.

Seven years away from my beautiful Teresa.

Today, I was in court on appeal hearing. Lost again.

They accused me of robbing several banks, but no way.

I was drunk and all, but I'm positive I only robbed one bank.

What about you?

Oh, my friend and I were doing this song-and-dance act.

Ah. Must have been pretty bad.

Excuse me, major, I'm just not very good at these written tests.

I think you'd get more [MOUTHING] Shut up.

Of my original flavor in oral ex...

You know, I'm just about to lose my patience with you.

I was trying to explain...

GUARD: Keep writing, shit face.

"Two pears, three apples..."

All right, now, listen to me.

A kid tried that stuff with me at Camp Minikani in Vermont,

and I hit him so hard

that his braces ripped the whole upper part of his lip.

His mother had to come and get him in the middle of the season.

[PRISONERS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

MAN 1: Tight ass.

[MAN 2 SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

What do you think they put in those? HARRY: What do you think?

Us? Yes. You got it on the first try.

SKIP: Harry. HARRY: What?

We're in prison.

Goddamn, man, welcome to the real world.

Not a minute too soon, I might add.

Now, brace up. Be strong.

[GATE SLAMS]

MAN 3: Hey, white meat. How long you gonna be on, baby?

Come on, baby. Come on.

Harry. What?

I don't think I'm going to make it.

Hang on, man. Don't mess up. Just think about our appeal.

Skip, please.

Excuse me, sir, could I please...?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm not a troublemaker.

Oof.

[HUMMING]

Pbbt. Pbbt. Pbbt. Skip. Skip.

Okay. No more hitting.

Did you hear? Skip.

No more hitting. Skip.

All right, turn around. You wanna stay late? Turn around!

Okay, let's get out of here! Come on, Silver!

Skip. I'm freaking.

Skip. Giddyup. So long, suckers!

Hey, Harry, he thinks he's a horse.

Help me! Harry! Don't hit him. Don't hit him.

Please. He's sick. He's having a fit.

He don't have his fit pills. He's got them.

Where'd you put...? He's got them. Honest. Vietnam.

SKIP: Harry, help me. Harry.

Skip. Skip. Harr... Ha!

Take my hand. Skip. Ha!

Oh, shit, Skip.

Skip. Skip. Skip. Ha!

Oh, ah, ah, ah! Oh. Oh, Skip, shit.

It's okay. It's okay. You did it.

You did it.

He's okay now. I'm okay.

I'm okay now. It's out of my system.

You okay? Yeah.

He's okay. I'm 100 percent.

Please, okay? Please, just this once. I mean, it's okay.

Lieutenants. Okay? Okay.

He's okay, see? Yeah. Yeah. We're okay.

It's okay? Yeah.

He's okay. Nothing but trouble.

[SCREAMS]

Harry. Harry, for God's sake. You're gonna get us in trouble.

It's all right. I can't take it.

I can't take it. Mama! Wait a minute.

Here. Harry. Mama!

Take your pill. Take your pill. Three seconds. You'll see. It's over.

One thousand one. One thousand two.

One thousand three. Finished!

Finished!

What'd I tell you? Okay. Hup. Hup two.

Hey. Let's go. Back in line. Here we go.

Thanks very much. Okay. Here we go.

What's next? This way. Right. Okay.

[CHATTERING]

Yeah? I'd like some spare ribs,

french fries and a cheeseburger on the side

with a chocolate malt.

Thanks.

I can get you those. Especially the cheeseburger.

I don't want you to get me no cheeseburger, man.

I'll wash your socks. I don't want you washing my socks.

You leave my socks alone, man. Stay out of my face.

These are delicious.

Aren't you amazed at the quality of these vegetables? In a prison?

I'm amazed at what's crawling around in our soup.

What are you talking about? Little creatures.

Where? There.

[♪♪♪]

[GRUNTS]

What's the story with him? Why does he get a separate table?

That's Grossberger.

The biggest mass murderer in the history of the Southwest.

My dear, he killed his entire family and all his relatives in one weekend.

And then he killed some more people that reminded him of his family.

Is he here for rehabilitation?

He threw the chaplain through a wall at the library.

Burned the furniture factory to the ground.

Hasn't killed anyone here. RORY: I wouldn't sit with him

and I killed my stepdaddy.

I wonder what triggered all that violence.

He seems so gentle.

[♪♪♪]

[GASPS]

Heh.

SKIP: I see what it is.

Nobody has ever just sat down and honestly talked with that man.

Poor kid.

Skip, the man is not ready for an interview.

MAN: Go on there, white bread.

[GROSSBERGER GROWLING]

Hello.

Aah! Argh! Hey!

I'll wait till after he's had a little nap.

Do you mind?

Why in the hell did you kill your stepfather, anyway?

Criticizing my new fur jacket.

And slapping my hand.

MAN 1: Okay. All right. Come on, come on, come on.

Come on. Get it. Get it.

[♪♪♪]

MAN 2: Come on. Come on. Go.

MAN 3: All right.

MAN 4: Pin him.

MAN 5: Pin him.

MAN 6: Get his shoulder down. Shoulder down. Come on.

What do you wanna do with him, Jack?

How late was he? A week.

You snort up all that nice blow,

and then you forget about paying?

Teach him to be punctual.

What the hell was that all about? Jack Graham.

You don't mess with him. He's one mean hombre.

A guard can just yank you out like that?

No guard, amigo. He's an inmate like you and me.

Only, he runs the cell block.

Dope, whiskey, even a woman. He can get you anything you want.

And he can get you killed.

I don't want anything from him.

That's Blade.

He runs the third world side of Cell Block 2.

My dear, till Grossberger came along,

he held the ax murder record in the Southwest.

HARRY: It's tough to stay at the top.

He's the one I'm gonna get you the cheeseburger from.

How do you like it? Medium? Oh, no.

I don't want no cheeseburger. Trying to keep my weight down.

Don't worry. I'll protect you. I'm getting a little pudge.

For some reason, I make him uneasy. I wonder why.

Ha...

I'm going. Skip, my friend. Excuse me, would you?

I'll come with you. Oh, shit.

I'm a little nervous.

Did you sleep any better last night?

Got a couple winks between nightmares.

The walls keep closing in on me. I know.

I've got it down on the list. Roomier cells. A soap dish.

Toilet seats. What are you talking about?

MAN: Unh! Aah!

Oh. That's ridiculous.

Put that on your list. I'm going to.

Unnecessary violence.

Did you see what they did? Okay, you two, inside.

Inmates 65984

and 65985.

The New Yorkers.

How do you do, sir? Very nice to meet you.

Harry and I would like to touch... I think I can speak for Harry.

Would like to touch... Heh, heh. No.

[CHUCKLING]

SKIP: Harry's a little nervous.

And I am a little bit too, because this is a very different way of life

from anything we're used to.

We would like to touch base with you

on one or two ideas that we think would make life easier for all of us.

How long do we have to listen to this?

Did I...? I'm sorry, were you in the middle of something?

No, no. Mr. Wilson just doesn't feel the same need to be hospitable

to our out-of-town guests as I do.

Get on the bull.

Get on the bull? Get on the bull.

SKIP: Oh, heh, heh.

Is that what that is?

I didn't know. Oh, is that a recreational activity?

I was hoping for volleyball or tennis.

We have an annual prison rodeo. We're awfully proud of it.

And we like to run you new fellas through this little test

just to see if you have any aptitude for it.

Sure. Fine with me.

Make sure we haven't overlooked some big rodeo star.

You won't be needing me. You wanna shut up?

Okay. Okay. Let her rip.

You're on backwards. Oh.

Okay.

Over the rigging. Oh.

[SKIP & BEATTY CHUCKLING]

I thought you meant the other way around.

I was looking for the horns to come out.

Okay.

Ready, Mr. Wilson? Ready.

Proceed.

Harry, you gotta try this.

It's fun. It's like the merry-go-round at Coney Island.

Try two level.

Whoa.

What is...? Where is the part where I go "hee-yaw"?

Go to three.

SKIP: This is fun.

Look, Ma, I'm dancing.

Yahoo! Ride it, Skip!

[SWITCH CLICKS]

[♪♪♪]

Ride that son of a bitch!

Yahoo! Huh?

I... Ohh!

Oh, hoo...

All right.

SKIP: Is it all right if I get off now? Yeah, you can get off now.

[PANTING]

Woo-wee!

You two fellas can go on back to your cells.

Mr. Barstow!

We had a nice visit, didn't we? BEATTY: Yes, we did. Mr. Barstow.

Here are some of those ideas I was talking to you about earlier.

Chew on these for a few days.

When you're ready, give me a call and we'll go over them.

Get rid of them. Maybe we could meet for lunch.

[LAUGHING]

I don't believe what I just saw. The damn machine's malfunctioning.

The machine's fine, Wilson. Maybe you'd like to get up, try for a six.

Luck was all it was. That boy's a born cowboy.

From New York? I don't care if he's from Tasmania.

No inmate ever took Double-Aught to six level before.

Your big rodeo star Graham, born with cow shit in his ears,

he never got it past to four.

Now, Graham's had a lot of injuries. And I've had 10 years of humiliation.

I ain't gonna talk about the money trouble I'm in

from losing to Warden Sampson and his prison gorillas because of him.

If that eastern kid's for real,

he's gonna ride for Glenboro Prison in the next rodeo,

and we're gonna whip Sampson's boys and win that goddamn prize.

Now, you get that kid back in here in an hour.

I wanna test him out on Double-Aught again.

[WHISPERING] Check it out.

[CHATTERING]

My back hurts, fellas. I'm gonna have to drop out.

Ow.

Okay. Okay.

My back still hurts from yesterday.

Hurt it again.

Rub me a little bit ri... Harry, rub me a little bit right here, would you?

Oh. That's it.

Good. That's better. Did you try that thing in the warden's office, Jesus?

It's fun! [IN NORMAL VOICE] It is.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Jesus is the champion bull rider from his province, man.

You're kidding. Jesus, that's wonderful.

Does that mean you're gonna ride in the prison rodeo?

Jesus says the rodeo is bullshit.

Why? What are you talking about?

JESUS: Know how much money they make?

Eighty-five thousand to $100,000.

[WHISPERS] Hundred thousand dollars.

That money is supposed to go to the prisoners.

We don't get shit, man. We get our ass kicked.

They get rich.

Are you telling me that the prisoners don't get one penny of that money?

No, well, I... I'm exaggerating a little bit, you know?

Two years ago we got new Ping-Pong balls.

Heh, five boxes.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] I don't understand one thing then, man.

Why do the guys go to the rodeo?

Oh, man, they scare the shit out of everybody

by threatening to deny their parole.

That's how they get all the kiss-asses.

Outrageous, man.

Now over in Texas they run an honest rodeo, man.

Prisoners can even keep the prize money.

Them wardens over there are pretty decent.

Not like these pricks.

Isn't that fucking outrageous?

Say, I hear you went to a six on Double-Aught, huh?

My man.

Did you tell them that?

It wasn't so tough.

Well, if you really did a six,

they are gonna want you to ride in the Top Hand Competition next time.

So? Don't worry about me. I'm no brown-noser.

Hey, everybody know that, man,

but don't jump to conclusions. Why don't you hear the man out?

If you ride in the Top Hand event,

there's a strong chance we can bust out of here.

Know what I mean?

Harry, is he talking about a jailbreak?

Bet your ass.

What about our appeal?

Appeal my...

Ask Jesus. Ask Rory. Tell him about appeal, Rory.

Sugar, the day I met you and sweet pants here,

was my fifth appeal here in six years.

Turned me down flat.

You wanna spend 30 years in this joint, man?

I couldn't take it. I know you can't, man.

We gotta get the fuck out of here.

BEATTY: Hello, operator?

Get me Warden Sampson at Doerin Prison, will you, please?

Thank you.

Hello, Wally.

How does your team look this year?

BEATTY [OVER PHONE]: Not too bad. We might even give you a race this year.

SAMPSON: Is that right?

You got yourself some new blood?

Something like that.

Well, seeing as how you're in such good shape,

maybe you'd like to put some real money down on this one.

[♪♪♪]

Well, I realize that $50,000 ain't much these days,

but it might stimulate a little interest.

[CHUCKLING]

Henry, one way or another,

I'm gonna cover that bet.

What do you want me to do?

You gotta convince the warden that you will not ride,

no matter what they do.

I'm telling you, he's gonna be so mad he'll wet his pants

because he always makes this big bet with the other warden.

You gotta hold out. No matter what they throw at you to break you down,

don't give up.

The longer you hold out,

the better chance you got to strike a bargain.

What kind of a bargain? Let you pick your own crew.

That's us.

Stadium where they hold the rodeo is supposed to be a bitch to crack.

Even tougher than this joint we're in.

RORY: Supposed to be escape-proof.

But there's a weakness.

This is fantastic.

Harry, there's a great novel in this.

But you won't start writing till we get the fuck out of here, right?

I guess I can wait seven months.

Donahue.

Hello, warden. Nice to see you again.

I've got some good news for you.

My wine magazines came?

No, it's better than that.

You're gonna represent Glenboro Prison

in the annual Top Hand Competition.

Congratulations.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Oh, my God.

Warden.

I can't do that.

What the hell are you talking about?

Well, I should've told you in your office. My mother was a veterinarian.

I can't have anything to do with exploitation of animals.

She'd turn over in her grave. I don't believe you heard me.

This is very important to me.

Important to you.

My mother is watching over every step I make.

Do you know that my soul is on the line here?

So please, let's just drop... What?

I said no.

Well, I told him no.

Ma, are you crazy? I have witness...

All right, we'll talk about it in my cell.

Um...

I have to go to the bathroom. Would you excuse me, warden?

That boy is very confused.

Straighten him out. What about Jack Graham?

His knees have mended.

Wake him up.

[BATON CLATTERING AND GUARD YELLING]

GUARD: Let's move.

HARRY: What happened? Let's go, Mayor Koch.

And you too, Count Basie.

What time is it? WILSON: Four-thirty.

Why so early?

It's called paying your debt to society.

Now, let's move!

Is breakfast ready? Somebody stole the toilet.

Wait a minute. Over here.

[BOTH URINATING]

You're peeing on me!

[♪♪♪]

Shh.

[PANTING]

[SKIP GRUNTING]

Close 12. MAN: Close 12.

[BABBLING]

[BOTH BABBLING]

Oh, shit. They're trying to kill me.

They're trying to kill me. Please, God, please!

No. No. No, please. Coming back, coming back.

[BOTH BABBLING]

[WHIMPERING]

[GRUNTING]

[PANTING]

Pillow.

I want my pillow.

My pillow.

[BATONS CLATTERING]

[SKIP SNORING]

All right, you two.

Up and at them!

Aah! I can't feel nothing in my leg!

[HARRY SCREAMS]

Hold it. Now don't you see the white line here?

Yes, sir. You're not supposed to be to the side.

I'm not...? Oh, sorry. What a mistake. I'm sorry. Never happen again.

Yeah, see, it's too late for that now.

Get him out of here. Come on.

Close 10. MAN: Close 10.

[WHISTLING]

Hey.

My back.

My 11-year-old back problem is gone.

I feel terrific. Thanks, cap.

Wow.

What a lucky guy.

You son of a guns.

All right, get in there.

And I'll see you in about five days, if you make it.

MAN: Come on, buddy. Smile.

Donahue.

[FLY BUZZING]

Donahue.

One more day. Please. Just one more day.

I was just beginning to get into myself.

Be a pal.

Harry, guess who's here.

How's my best?

[♪♪♪]

[GASPING]

[MOUTHING] Help me. Please help me. Please.

I left my wallet in the solitary.

Could I...? Oh, please.

Nighty-night, boys.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do, okay?

[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]

Come here, man. I wanna talk to you.

[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]

Excuse me. Don't touch it. Don't touch it.

Don't touch it.

Please don't touch it.

I'll see you later.

I'm gonna just stand over here for a while.

Don't leave me. No, no. I'll just be over here.

Come back.

Grossberger...

[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]

Help, please.

GUARD: Get the warden. Think Grossberger ate them all up?

Or did he leave some bones? Ha, ha.

Well, if he did, we're gonna ship them back to Times Square.

Oh, man.

Ah, say...

I know it's illegal. Give us a break.

We tried charades. He doesn't get it.

He just doesn't get it. You can't play it!

You can't play this card... What is this? What? Cheating, look. Huh?

See, look. Wait a second. Wait a second.

What?

What do you call...? That's for this one.

WOMAN: How are you doing?

Well, how have you been getting along?

MAN: You're getting out. You're getting out.

Oh, excuse me. This is my cousin, Meredith.

She's been helping out on your case.

Hi. Hi.

Nice to meet you.

You too.

It's amazing. There's hardly any family resemblance.

No offense. Oh.

We're just barely cousins.

See, my mother was a French cancan dancer.

And...

It's a long story.

Say, how have you been getting along?

Swell.

Just swell. Few ups and downs.

You know, people see movies about prison life,

but until you actually spend a little time here,

it's hard to get the real flavor of...

Of what it's like.

I think more Americans should spend time behind bars

so they would understand that.

Well, more Americans probably will.

Now, we have made your preliminary bid for retrial and...

Well, Meredith, why don't you tell him?

Remember the little girl in the bank?

She is ready to swear that you weren't the ones in the woodpecker suits

when the bank was held up.

And she remembers that one of the robbers had a tattoo.

She even remembers the design.

Neither of you has a tattoo, do you? No.

Good. I'll check out the tattoo artists in the area.

By the way, there's a raunchy strip joint in town where tattooed guys hang out.

I'm gonna try for a part-time job there.

Now, uh...

Because the little girl's only 6,

the court declared that her information

doesn't justify a new hearing.

We're trying to get them to change their minds.

On the basis that the prosecution did withhold that information.

Bottom line is all legal bullshit. The fact is that you were railroaded.

Just one more example of a repressive criminal justice system

coming down on the bottom layer of society.

I don't know about the bottom part,

but I couldn't agree with you more on the rest.

Um...

You wanna know something that's always fascinated me?

Are the prison romances that sometimes spring up

between inmates and girls from the outside.

Sometimes quite beautiful girls.

I mean, would you, for example?

Could you actually become involved, I mean, romantically,

with a prisoner?

Absolutely not.

Ah.

No, I didn't think so.

I was just curious.

What in the hell do you mean Donahue's tougher than you thought?

A few more days. We don't have a few more days.

The stocks already been delivered, the rodeo contracts are out,

and Doerin Prison's a big jump ahead of us.

Being from the east, I thought the kid would be softer in the crotch.

Oh, he's soft all right. You just don't know where to kick him.

What, my appendix...? What are talking about?

Hey, man, I know about appendix.

I had my appendix taken out already.

Help! I had my appendix taken out.

Guard, help me! Please! Help!

What you in for, brother? Huh?

There's gotta be some kind of confusion.

They said my appendix grew back, but I had it taken out years ago.

What about you? I came in for a hernia operation.

They cut off one of my nuts by mistake.

Say what?

They said I didn't need it anymore.

Now I can't eat, I don't sleep.

I ain't got no enthusiasm, don't write my woman no more.

I was supposed to get out next year, but I don't care whether I do or don't.

Sure take it calm.

Ain't nothing I can do about it now.

But look.

They got this Korean doctor, just set foot in this country.

Make sure you don't get him. That's right.

He's the one who made the mistake. Korean.

Aah! Jesus Christ. What's the matter with him?

Oh, man, that's just Johnson.

He's on a hunger strike, so they're force-feeding him to keep him alive.

Thank God. There is some humanity in this place.

They're gonna electrocute him next month.

[WHIMPERS]

Mr. Frazier? How do you go?

That's the cat did me.

[SCREAMING]

Make sure you cover up them jewels.

No! No.

Hello, Donahue. What can I do for you?

I'm ready to make a deal.

Oh?

What kind of deal?

I want my own team.

And I want a bigger cell with better ventilation.

What's the matter? Has Grossberger been farting on you?

Settle down, Wilson. Heh-heh-heh.

I don't make deals, Donahue. Oh, I know that.

But I think, in this case, it might be arranged.

Good. I wanna win that trophy.

I'm counting on you to go balls out for it.

I only have one speed: Balls out.

[CHUCKLING]

That's the spirit.

You're gonna be out of here while you're still a relatively young man.

I'm looking forward to that a lot.

Well, I guess we got ourselves a deal, huh?

I guess so.

Ride them, cowboy.

Okay.

I want an inmate guard on them every minute.

Graham will keep an eye on them.

Put Blade on Graham.

All right.

PRISONERS: ♪ All the way ♪

MAN: ♪ Gettin' on ♪ ♪ All the way ♪

MAN: ♪ I'm goin' down ♪ ♪ All the way ♪♪

BLADE: Hey, sucker.

Shit gonna start now, man.

What you doing joining the rodeo? City dude like you?

Sucking up to the warden?

He's not sucking up with the warden.

We're just having a little fun. We showed some aptitude for this.

Aptitude? You hear that?

Why don't you lay off him, Blade?

The man's just doing what he gotta do.

They were gonna cut his nuts off.

Ain't that right? I don't wanna discuss my nuts.

GRAHAM: Work your tail off, cowboy. Don't sweat it so hard.

Then get shoved aside by some man

who wouldn't know one end of a pony from another.

He may be going into the rodeo, but that don't mean he's coming out.

[♪♪♪]

MAN 1: Where's my saddle? MAN 2: Right here.

What a horse.

Jesus, what a beauty.

What a sweet, beautiful face he has.

Look, he's listening to us.

He's listening to every word that we say.

I'll bet you anything.

Okay, sweetheart, here I come.

Don't be misled, my friend.

He's a chute fighter. Hello.

He'd try to kill you in the chute.

He'd like nothing better than to kick your head off.

I don't think so. I'd love to try. Don't you think you're rushing?

Please, did you see the look he gave me?

This is a sweetheart. This is a little pussy cat.

Although, I'll tell you the truth, I've never driven a real horse before.

Try to remember, no spurs on the belly.

No spurs on the belly.

Knees up high. Okay.

Well, this should be a snap. Let her rip.

[♪♪♪]

[MEN WHOOPING]

JESUS: Skip!

Skip!

Are you all right?

[♪♪♪]

SKIP: I'm all right. I'm all right, fellas.

I wanted to know what it was like to get thrown.

Grossberger, I'm fine. You can put me down now.

You know you get a little overprotective sometimes?

Okay. Where is that sucker?

Now let me explain to you about bulls, okay?

A bull is the most evil, disgusting and crafty sucker in the world.

He'll snot on you, fart on you,

do anything he can to mash out your brain.

The worst kind of bull is the one that won't do nothing.

Just stand there, look at you.

That means he's studying you.

Soaking up your weak spots,

and remembering them for the time he gets to prance on your head.

Blade, you got it wrong. I'm a clown, see?

I shoot the firecrackers and the soda water.

There's a little car, supposed to be 10 midgets who get out.

But that ain't no rodeo clown. I know...

A rodeo clown is the most dangerous job in the world.

Blade, I don't wanna... He gets closest to the bull.

He gets the best of the bull.

I don't want... Hook to the left.

Hook to the side. Blade.

If the bull rider is in danger,

he's got to protect him,

even if it means getting his ribs pulled out

and being freight-trained. Freight-trained!

That's right. Run over just like a freight train.

Only with a bull, it's worse,

because a freight train don't back up and finish the job.

Later on, I'll teach you the proper way to lie on a stretcher

when they come to pick you up.

When they what? Right.

Now, let's practice trying to sucker the bull out the chute.

Because the warden wants you in one piece till after the rodeo.

Then your ass belong to me. You got that?

What about balloons and stuff?

Now, every bull has a secret word that makes him crazy,

sends him into his wildest ride.

Your job is to figure out that word.

Okay.

Blade.

Bull...

Uh... Let me see. Rumpelstiltskin.

[KISSING]

Bull.

Malt liquor. Heh, heh.

Come on. Come on, bull.

Um...

[WHISTLES]

Bull, come on. Coochie-coochie-coochie.

Come on.

Um...

[BARKING]

Come on.

Come on. Tch, tch, tch. Bull.

Tch, tch. Hey, sexy.

Shit.

[BULL BELLOWING]

Aah! You motherfucker!

Congratulations, you found the word.

[♪♪♪]

[YELLING]

Over there.

MAN: That's a very good deal. I accept that.

Teresa.

[BOTH SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

LEN: Hi. Hi.

MEREDITH: Hi. Hi.

How are you?

MEREDITH: I'm a little groggy from looking at records of tattoo patterns.

Which, when, where. So far, nothing.

The court refuses to act on the little girl's word.

Doesn't look too good?

You think of anything we might've overlooked?

Some small piece of evidence?

Anything? MEREDITH: Anything.

This may sound silly, but have you seen A Place in the Sun?

A Place in the Sun

with Elizabeth Taylor and Montgomery Clift?

SKIP: Yeah.

That's my favorite.

Your favorite?

That's your favorite?

That's my favorite too.

Uh, what does that tell us?

It tells us that maybe we're not such strangers

as circumstances would imply.

Maybe we're not.

You know, I'm working on a new play.

And I just wondered, would you like to come to the opening night with me?

I'd love to.

You would?

Ahem. Maybe we ought to get you out of here first.

Okay.

Shoot.

[GUITAR PLAYING]

SKIP: ♪ Rodeo man ♪

♪ Oh, rodeo man ♪

♪ Put my entry down ♪

♪ Got an old bull whip ♪

♪ And a new pair of spurs ♪

♪ And I'm gonna take your town ♪

♪ Oh, rodeo man ♪

♪ Oh, rodeo man ♪♪

GROSSBERGER: ♪ Down in the valley ♪

♪ The valley so low ♪

♪ Hang your head over ♪

♪ Hear the wind blow ♪

♪ Hear the wind blow, love ♪

♪ Hear the wind blow ♪

♪ Hang your head over ♪

♪ Hear the wind blow ♪

♪ Roses love sunshine ♪

♪ Violets love dew ♪

♪ Angels in heaven ♪

♪ Know I love you ♪

♪ If you don't love me ♪

♪ Love who you please ♪

♪ Put your arms round me ♪

♪ Give my heart ease ♪

♪ Give my heart ease, love ♪

♪ Give my heart ease ♪

♪ Put your arms round me ♪

Supposed to be doing time. It's a goddamn vacation what they having.

Well, how would you like an old-time prison funeral?

Could you go for that?

♪ Write me a letter ♪

♪ Send it by mail ♪

Just relax.

He's gonna draw Untamed in the bronc event.

♪ The Birmingham jail ♪

♪ Birmingham jail, love ♪

♪ Birmingham jail ♪

♪ Send it in care of ♪

♪ The Birmingham jail ♪♪

[OVER SPEAKERS] ♪ No words tonight ♪

♪ There's no need to speak ♪

♪ You're dancing In her love light ♪

♪ As she rocks you off your feet ♪

♪ You love how Her body is swayin' ♪

♪ It rocks you Right down to the core ♪

♪ With each move She seems to be sayin' ♪

[CROWD CHEERING]

♪ "Come closer And I'll tell you more" ♪

♪ Watch her dance ♪

♪ Fall into a deep Romantic trance ♪

♪ See her sway ♪

♪ No one else can Make you feel this way ♪

♪ Feast your eyes ♪

♪ The woman's got the power To hypnotize ♪

♪ She needs a hot romance ♪

♪ Watch her dance Watch her dance Watch her dance ♪

♪ Watch her dance Watch her dance now ♪

One hundred and twenty-five years without a whiff of pussy.

How'd that make you feel?

Mean. Very, very mean.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

♪ But you might break the spell ♪

Hello, Mr. Len Garber, please.

Did he leave word where he could be reached?

Oh. Okay, thank you.

♪ That you've never known before ♪

♪ Watch her dance ♪

Operator? Get me the sheriff's main office.

This is an emergency.

♪ You can see ♪♪

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

I have been looking for you! Where have you been?

The state capitol, look at this. It is so black and white it is absurd.

Any first-year law student could've had this case laughed out of court.

We can discuss your performance later.

Right now they're gonna kill one of your clients.

They're innocent! That's beside the point.

I'll explain later. We have to get to the stadium before the rodeo starts.

That's the other side of town. We'll never make it.

We have to try. Will you shut up and shake your tail?

I almost blew it. How can I call myself a lawyer?

Len!

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER [OVER PA]: That's it for the preliminary activities.

Folks, settle back and get ready for the event that you all came to see.

It's our featured event, the Top Hand Competition.

[CHATTERING]

How's your secret weapon, Wally? He's fit as a fiddle, Henry.

SAMPSON: It is a nice day for it, ain't it?

BEATTY: Yeah, it sure is.

VENDOR: Cokes! Come on, now. Get it now.

Get your Cokes here. Cokes! Let's go, let's go.

MAN 1: Come on, bring her over here.

[♪♪♪]

It's too much.

MAN 2: Move it through here. MAN 3: Watch out.

MAN 4: Slow down, now. Come on. Hey!

Now, remember, spur him high on the shoulders, okay?

Try to keep a good rhythm going.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the Wild and Wooly

Top Hand Competition.

And leading off for Glenboro Prison is a New York Yankee,

Skip Donahue. He's doing some hard time

for making a withdrawal from one of our banks.

Trouble was, the boy didn't have an account there.

Skip told the judge he was trying to help New York City

out of their financial bind by using our money.

SKIP: I hope I can remember everything.

Good luck.

Thanks. That's very kind of you.

[HORSE NEIGHS]

[♪♪♪]

[YELLS]

[CHEERING]

That's our boy, baby! That's our boy there!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Well, what do you say about that, folks?

That eastern boy's got a little bit of cowboy in him, wouldn't you say?

He sure does.

You old sly bones. Where'd you get him?

We'll see.

ANNOUNCER: Folks, next up from the Doerin unit,

five-time winner and current champion, Caesar Geronimo.

A Chicano boy, got his self caught selling white powder at the border.

When I say white powder, I don't mean talcum powder.

The champion has drawn a horse so rough and tough

that it's already put 11 cowboys in the hospital.

That's just by breaking wind on them.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪]

[CROWD CHEERING]

All right! That cowboy must have had some real strong glue in the saddle.

[♪♪♪]

[OVER PA] Ladies and gentlemen, that man of mischief from Oklahoma,

who was last year's runner-up, is getting set in chute number five.

Ringo Stapleton.

You may recall old Ringo as the fella doing 99 years

for kidnapping a trainload of gorgeous college girls

on their way to a beauty contest in Las Vegas.

[ANNOUNCER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA]

Uh-oh. Oh, ho!

Ringo's in trouble already. He's down.

The bull's on top of him.

Our next contestant is Bucky Stillwater.

The judge found Bucky guilty of misplacing 4 million dollars.

It was unaccounted for in his insurance company.

The money was never recovered.

Which is probably the reason why Bucky seems to have more friends

among the other inmates than any prisoner in the whole correctional system.

Whatever Bucky wants, Bucky gets.

Except for parole, that is.

He won't be eligible for that until he's 115 years old.

[ANNOUNCER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PA]

- Spare time in the prison library reading those law books.

Don't be too surprised if Bucky is out in plenty of time

to enjoy that loot before old age catches up with him.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

Bucky Stillwater, shaken up, but he seems to be all right.

He's leaving the arena under his own steam,

though his feet seem just a little bit wobbly. Let's give him a hand.

VENDOR: Cokes! Right here, come on.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, let me take this moment to remind you of...

You better scoot on over there and grab a cotton candy.

You name it, we're gonna have it.

We're having a bull-riding event. Coming out of chute number four

is the Glenboro Prison entry.

It's that city slicker again who's been giving the defending champ

a real run for his money.

Can he keep it up? We're gonna find out in a couple of seconds.

Whether it's just beginner's luck

or if this boy's really got some redneck in him.

Up on Flapjack, here's Skip Donahue.

Okay.

Little tighter, Jesus.

How is that? That's it.

JESUS: Now remember, ease up with him. Watch his head.

Ready? Okay.

Let's go.

[BULL BELLOWING]

Open the gate! Open the gate!

Seem to have ourselves a little problem down here, folks.

MAN 1: He'll be killed in there.

MAN 2: Some son of a bitch put a lock on the gate.

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: Whoo! Wow!

That New Yorker is full of surprises.

Here's last year's champion, Caesar Geronimo,

riding the bull nobody has stayed on more than three seconds.

A bull by the name of Tornado.

A great ride. Now you know why he's our defending champion.

Folks, catch your breath for a few minutes

while the cowboy judges tally up the scores on all the contestants.

You've got time for a pause for the cause, I'll be back

to announce the winner.

Hold on, hold on, folks.

We got ourselves the first push in the history of the prison rodeo.

Push, my ass. Ain't gonna be any push.

I was ready for this.

[CROWD BOOING]

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, hold on to your hats.

As a tie-breaker, both of the wardens have given their permission

to run the hard-money event. That's the single most dangerous

event in all of rodeo competition.

Now, all you have to do to win the hard-money event

is snatch a little sack of money

between the horns of a mean Brahman bull.

So just as soon as our two boys get ready

we're gonna start our final competition.

Are you ready for the main event?

[CROWD CHEERS]

Well, just listen to this,

because Warden Beatty has just informed me

that he and Warden Sampson have so much faith in their boys

that this year, instead of splitting the purse of the rodeo

as they usually do, it's gonna be a winner-take-all event.

I'm saying that $50,000 in bills

is gonna be tied between the horns of one of the most vicious bulls

in this territory.

Whichever inmate grabs the money is the winner.

And here they are, ladies and gentlemen.

I get a little nervous sometimes before these things.

By the way, the word is that your warden is an exceptionally sweet man.

Is that true? He's a prick.

A prick? Boy, did I hear that wrong.

Well, is it true that you're an ass-kisser?

You're gonna get a punch in the mouth.

Did I say it? I'm telling what I heard.

What are you so touchy about? I'm an ass-kisser too.

Obviously, we're both dumb ass-kissers

if no one's gonna get one penny except two pricks.

Stands to reason, doesn't it?

[♪♪♪]

I'll distract the bull, you grab the money.

Okay, Caesar? Huh?

I don't care who wins. What difference does it make?

Why don't we give the money to the prisoners? What do you think?

Tell you what, you do whatever you think is best, okay?

Get ready, Caesar, get ready.

[♪♪♪]

[CHEERING]

MAN: Now he's going back. WOMAN: Yeah.

[♪♪♪]

[CHEERING]

ANNOUNCER: The winner and still champion for the sixth time in a row,

Caesar Geronimo.

Goddamn! MRS. SAMPSON: Aah!

[SAMPSON & MRS. SAMPSON CHEERING]

SAMPSON: Goddamn it.

[CHEERING]

MAN: Hey, buddy.

[PRISONERS YELLING]

[YELLS]

ANNOUNCER: Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

That Chicano boy's done lost his mind.

Holy cow, there's gonna be hell to pay for that.

[♪♪♪]

Now, folks, to wrap up our day,

here's the greased pig sacking contest.

[♪♪♪]

Holy shit! What?

Now, what the hell is going...? Are you okay? What is...?

MEREDITH: They're in the camper.

Look, I'm sorry,

but we're in a real hurry, okay? LEN: What is going on?

[JESUS SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

I didn't introduce you. Harry Monroe, Skip Donahue,

Rory Schultebrand.

My maiden name. My wife, Teresa,

and my brother, Ramon.

Here, you guys, that is yours.

Where are you guys going? Veracruz, we got some family there.

Hey, Rory going with you? Try to be brave, sweet pants.

[JESUS GRUNTS]

SKIP: You be a good girl, now.

Ramon, es su casa, honey, it's me and you.

He kissed me. Damn.

Let's go.

[♪♪♪]

We got to get the hell out of here.

Wait a minute.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

How did you get out? HARRY: Busted out.

But you're free. You're damn right we're free.

I mean they caught the other two guys.

LEN: Thanks to Meredith.

Oh!

[♪♪♪]

You mean we're really free?

We're free!

We're free! We're free! We're free!

You're a hell of a lawyer. LEN: Thank you.

Thanks. We're free!

LEN: Yes, and good luck. Thank you.

SKIP: Thanks for everything.

It's okay.

[♪♪♪]

Thank you.

It's okay.

[THUMPING]

Hey, come on, let's get out of this state before somebody changes their mind.

[KIKI DEE'S "NOTHING'S GONNA STOP US NOW" PLAYING]

SKIP: Aren't you forgetting something?

What? What about my opening night?

Am I still invited?

Holy mackerel, how many times do I have to ask you?

Woo-hoo!

♪ Long time going down A railroad track ♪

♪ Starting to get Our confidence back ♪

♪ Living our dreams All over again ♪

Come on.

♪ You and I can make it To the very end ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna stop us now ♪

♪ We got today, tonight And forever ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna stop us Nothing's gonna stop us now ♪

♪ No ♪

♪ Nothing's standing in our way ♪

♪ We got a brand-new world To believe in ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna stop us Nothing's gonna stop us now ♪

♪ Long time sailing On stormy seas ♪

♪ Trying to tell each other We want to be free ♪

♪ Let's take a chance We just might win ♪

♪ We're the kind of people Who never give in, no ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna stop us now ♪

♪ We got today, tonight And forever ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna stop us Nothing's gonna stop us now ♪

♪ Nothing can stop us now ♪ ♪ Nothing's standing in our way ♪

♪ We're gonna make it Without a problem, no ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna stop us Nothing's gonna stop us now ♪

♪ Nothing can stop us now ♪

♪ We've got a destiny ♪

♪ Our future is clear ♪

♪ We're more More than a fantasy ♪

♪ Nothing can stop us Nothing can stop us ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna stop us now ♪

♪ We got today, tonight And forever ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna stop us Nothing's gonna stop us now ♪

♪ Nothing can stop us now ♪

♪ Nothing can stop Nothing can stop us ♪

♪ No, no ♪ ♪ Nothing can stop ♪

♪ Nothing can stop us ♪

♪ Nothing can stop Nothing can stop us now ♪

♪ Nothing can stop us now ♪ ♪ Nothing can stop ♪

♪ Nothing can stop us ♪ ♪ No, no ♪

♪ Nothing can stop Nothing can stop us ♪

♪ Nothing can stop Nothing can stop us now ♪

♪ Nothing can stop us now ♪ ♪ Nothing can stop ♪

♪ Nothing can stop us ♪ ♪ No, no ♪

♪ Nothing can stop Nothing can stop us ♪

♪ Nothing can stop Nothing can stop us now ♪

♪ Nothing can stop us now ♪ ♪ Nothing can stop ♪

♪ Nothing can stop us ♪

♪ Nothing can stop ♪ Nothing can stop us ♪

♪ No, no ♪

♪ Nothing can stop ♪ Nothing can stop us now ♪

♪ Nothing can stop us now ♪♪