Original subtitles

Merry Christmas!

KQNY3.

Upstate New York Radio.

This is Randy McChatten,

with more news and weather updates.

But first, it's the holiday season.

Looking for that perfect stocking stuffer?

Well, today's show is brought to you by...

Snake Bite Cologne, from Eccentrip.

Put a little bite in your bark.

Tonight's forecast, snow, snow, and lots more snow.

Bundle up, stay warm,

and get ready for some serious winter.

Details still coming in, but early reports confirm,

five men robbed the Wisconsin County Bank and Trust

at 3:35 this afternoon.

At gunpoint, they held locals and staff hostage

for about 90 seconds,

before speeding away in a four by four Jeep style vehicle.

Police and mayor's office offering a $50,000 reward

for any information that may lead to an arrest.

Police are investigating links

that the clearly foreign team of armed robbers

had help from somewhere in this small and peaceful town,

as they seemed focused and knowledgeable about

local procedures and security protocols

on the inner workings of the bank.

Police are referring to them as the "Santa Hat Bandits".

They're dressed in the Santa Claus attire,

and said to be armed and extremely dangerous.

This broadcast is brought to you by...

Mr. Beaver's Hardware Store.

For all your home improvement and gardening needs.

Checking in.

And don't forget to celebrate Christmas...

Right.

Yes.

Uh, you're...

Well...

Uh, wat name is the reservation under?

Scrooge.

Of course.

Yeah, I have you here.

You're a day late.

- I assume you need our IDs and credit cards

for incidentals.

- Well, yeah. Normally we like to have-

- I'm fucking joking.

Where's the room?

Of course.

It's down here.

- Is now a good time to ask for the Wi-Fi?

Or hardwire connection ethernet?

Okay, forget it.

- It's this way.

- Oh, what the fuck is this?

- I'd love a fuckin' drink.

Take this.

- Where's our rooms?

- Uh, Mr. Scrooge reserved a room

that you wouldn't be disturbed in.

Something larger.

Not for five.

- Yeah, our fifth man is on the way.

He'll be here.

- Yes, but you can't have five in the room.

It's against the fire regulations.

Yeah.

God forbid we do anything illegal, aye, boys?

- Why can't we have a room each?

- Well, you can.

- That you can't. We're staying together.

Okay? We arrive together, and we're gonna leave together.

That's the plan, Grinch.

- I want to take a shower, and a shit.

And jerk off and relax.

And I can't do that with Blake staring at me

like a lost puppy.

- They said that we'd use our code names.

I'm Prancer.

- Shut it, Blake.

- I didn't hear that.

I can get you some more bedding, sir.

- Can you give me a sponge bath too?

- Stop.

This is fine. Thank you.

- And please, help yourself-

- Yeah, way ahead of you, pal.

- Uh, anything else?

- Food.

- No, we're fine.

Who's got a knife?

- Yeah, mate.

Right fuckin' here.

You want it?

- Bloody hell, you're not fucking Rambo.

- It's a fucking knife, mate.

- We gotta talk.

Right.

We're not to be disturbed, at all.

- Yes, sir.

Night.

- I am hungry.

- Is there anything behind the bar he can eat?

- Yeah, peanuts.

- And we're not paying peanuts,

so stop acting like a fucking monkey.

Settle down!

- Fine.

- I'll just waste away here.

- I...

I actually have an extra protein bar.

- I thought I told you to fuckin' shut up.

I don't want your fuckin' protein bar.

- Okay.

- Prancer.

Set up the radio.

- Right. On it.

- See if anybody's coming our way.

Grinch, make yourself useful.

Do the walk around, place the sensors.

Snowman! Stop drinking.

And do the weapons check.

And everybody, before you do anything else, strip.

- Oh, I knew it was gonna be that kind of party.

- What the hell are you so happy about?

Beer?

- Yeah.

Too fuckin' right, beer.

And $1 million richer!

No wonder you got the code name "Grinch".

- Hey, you said that was because I stole Christmas!

- Yeah, it was.

That's what I believe what happened. Yeah.

Well, I want a new code name.

- No, we're not switching.

You got the names you got, and we're sticking with them.

- Well, that's okay for you, Father Christmas.

- I like Prancer.

- Shut it, Blake!

- Why can't I be Snowman?

Snowman is cool.

Like he's some ice cold hitman.

So why the fuck does Dumbo get that name?

- Fuck.

- I don't know why he got the name he got. He just did.

Well, no switching names!

End of discussion.

- Whatever.

Let's just get this over with, huh?

I got a wife and a dog I gotta get home to.

- Lucky bitches.

- What'd you say?

- Oh my God. Stop!

Hey!

Everybody shut the fuck up and strip.

Now!

Come on. Let's go!

Go on then.

- This belt!

- God, I fuckin' love Christmas.

- Hey, what the fuck, Santa?

- Why don't you guys go out back

and jingle each other's balls?

- That's a cool costume.

- It's more of a uniform, really.

- Oh, right. Right.

I can see that.

- Look, can we hurry this along?

I got a lot of places I gotta be tonight.

- You're killing me.

- Seriously.

Hurry the fuck up.

- Okay.

Okay. It's 19.28 for the gas.

- Merry fuckin' Christmas.

911. What's your emergency?

- Hi, this is Becky over at Islands Gas.

Okay. I have your location pulled up.

What's your emergency?

- Yeah, I don't know if this is an emergency or not,

but Santa came in here and...

Yeah, I think he killed someone for sure.

All right, ma'am.

I've got the police on the way.

- They're here.

Thank you for joining us out there.

We're playing all of the Christmas hits

from yesteryear and today.

Now we go to Debra for the weather.

Yes, Ted.

It's a frosty 12 degrees outside, so,

keep those chestnuts roasting on the open fire,

or else you'll get some frostbite in some unexpected places.

Well, that would be mildly inconvenient.

That's probably why I'm wearing four pairs of pants tonight.

- Bad dreams?

You know, when I was a child,

many, many years ago,

I used to wake up and smile.

Did you ever have that?

There's a split second when

you're probably still half asleep,

and you just smile.

It's because you're so present in that moment.

And then...

The world begins to flood your mind again.

All the shit you've done,

all the shit you haven't done...

All the shit you'll get blamed for doing,

whether you've done it or not.

And that smile's gone by the time you brush your teeth.

That's what it's like, Genie.

We live right here, right now,

right in this split second.

We have that bliss, always.

Nothing troubles our mind.

And that, sister, to me...

That's immortality.

It's a pity you'll never feel it.

- Selene.

Please, stop.

If you take any more, I'm just gonna bleed out and die.

Another little tip...

Don't try and scare the dead with the talk of dying.

- What was that?

- Expired.

- No, not that. Didn't you hear that?

- Actually, yeah.

It was like a scream.

- Or something else.

Like what?

- I've heard that noise before.

It's like, this time of year, it always happens.

That exact fuckin' noise.

Kinda like that squealing noise, right?

- Yeah, yeah.

- That Santa's reindeer, mate.

- Okay, okay, okay.

Yeah, that's not actually that funny.

- Yes, it fuckin' is.

You see your stupid little face!

- Mother!

Forgive me.

She was trying to escape.

- Do not lie to me!

Am I not good to you girls?

- Yes, Mother.

Yes, Mother.

Yes, Mother.

- Yes, Mother.

- Do I not feed you?

Show you things no man has ever seen?

- Always.

- Always.

- Yes, Mother.

And this is how you repay that love?

- Is that what this is, Mother?

Love?

- It is a mother's love, which sometimes, my sweet,

must be strong and tough,

as young ladies are the future of our family.

- I'm hungry.

- You're always hungry.

And Mother will provide.

Mother is here to tell you that Lucifer himself

has provided not one, but four delicious dishes.

- Where?

- Why, right here in this hotel.

Listen, my girls...

Can you not feel their blood?

- Oh, yes.

Can you not feel their hearts beating?

- Yes.

- Can we play with them?

- Why, of course!

It's Christmas, after all.

So, whatever your hearts desire.

Seducing and snacking.

- Fucking and feeding.

- Whatever your Christmas wish is, my baby.

- I've checked it twice.

- Show me.

- There's nothing to see.

The thermals motion, it's all down,

or it was never switched on.

Grinch, you switched the sensors on, right?

- What?

- The sensors.

- What about them?

- You switched them on, right?

- Hey, drop the fuckin' attitude with me.

- It's just a question.

- A question designed to make me look stupid.

- Right, okay.

Did you switch them on or not?

- How the fuck should I know?

- Okay, so that's a no.

- Hey, baby Einstein...

Maybe you should have switched them on

before you gave them to me.

- Hey, enough!

Look, I realize we're all a little on edge.

Everybody calm down.

I get it, the plan's a little close to the bone.

- It's a smart plan.

- Nobody is blaming the plan.

- I might, if we get caught.

- Please, can we try to stay positive?

- Sorry.

When we get caught.

- Look guys, this could all be over

by the time the sun rises for three reasons.

Firstly, firstly, everyone is gonna expect

for us to put as much distance as humanly possible

between us and the place that we've robbed.

And the fact that it is only 200 yards down the road,

makes us pretty hard to predict.

- Not hard to find.

- Yes, it does make us hard to find,

because nobody is looking here.

Every cop is following Rudolph.

He's taking them north.

He's leading them up the garden path.

He's the decoy driver, and he's good at it.

And he's gonna swing back for us when we're all clear.

- If he fuckin' comes back.

- He will.

- And why is that?

- Because we have his money.

- Exactly.

And when he does, we'll take off in that car,

right onto the southbound road,

where nobody is looking.

- We hope.

- We will.

Guys, please, remember, it's Christmas Eve.

There's not gonna be one police officer

that's interested in manning the roadblocks

once they get a bite six hours north of this location.

Plus, we didn't hurt anybody.

We didn't kill anybody.

We didn't embarrass the cops.

Because we were so fast, in and out.

And there's a storm coming.

You see this storm?

It's gonna provide cover,

but it does mean that we're a little blind.

So I don't know about you, Grinch,

but I'd really fuckin' like to know

if the cops are rolling up at the end of the driveway.

Which means, we need the sensors.

So pretty please, with a cherry on top, hop on it!

- Well, I wouldn't wanna fuck it up twice.

- Can I at least get a weapon?

- Now you take care of that.

I reckon it's silver.

- What?

- I want it back.

It's a family heirloom.

- It's a spoon.

- Don't make me say it again.

- Just go.

Can you go easy on him?

- I am.

- He doesn't belong here, and you know that.

- That's what I don't like.

He's the type that snitches on us all later.

- The old man doesn't seem to think so.

- Scrooge ain't the one gonna get snitched on.

So, what's the backup plan anyways?

- What?

- If someone catches Rudolph,

they're gonna realize pretty quickly that he's a decoy,

and they'll come right back here.

- He checks in every 30 minutes.

Okay?

And if he stops doing that, then I'll start to worry,

and then we'll...

You know, we'll head out on foot.

- For what?

- There's a harbor.

So there's boats there and shit.

- In winter?

- Oh my God!

We're sticking with the crazy, unpredictable plan.

Okay?

- Sounds loose, man.

- What does that mean?

- Sounds like a bad plan.

- It is a bad plan!

But we won't ever have to use it!

You know why?

Because Rudolph is an excellent decoy driver.

He's been doing it for 30 fuckin' years,

and he's better than you!

- I'm not worried if you're not.

- Oh, shit. I'm super worried.

But obviously, that's my leadership skills

coming out to the forefront,

making you feel a false sense of security.

God, I really am good.

Which is why I get a higher cut.

Dick.

- Thank you.

Speaking of, I should probably...

- Is that him?

- Well, no.

This is me checking in with him.

- Because he's late!

- He's a little late, but you know, he likes a car nap.

- Please be kidding.

- Ooh, yeah.

Bunch of...

I guess it's time to run, run, Rudolph.

- Okay, well, that's not doing anything, is it?

Stupid.

Oh, yeah, that's awesome.

I'll clean up your mess too.

Oh, don't worry about it.

Whenever you guys need!

Uh, sorry.

- What the fuck are you doing sneaking up on someone

who's on the edge?

And they're armed.

- You're on the edge?

- Yeah.

Keep it a secret, will you?

- Right. Okay.

Should we be worried?

- No.

- Was that a real no?

- You'll never know.

- You wanna smoke? - No.

No, thank you.

Those things are bad for you.

- Is that right?

- They can reduce your life expectancy by 10 years.

- Oh, I didn't know that.

You can look it up.

- What did it say about the life expectancy of bank robbers?

I would probably say

that there's not enough data really to suggest...

This is more of your British sarcasm, isn't it?

- See, you are a smart cookie.

- You would think.

Why on earth are you here?

- What?

- You don't look like you belong on one of these jobs.

- Gigs.

What?

- We call them gigs.

- You're smart, right?

- Yeah. I have a double doctorate from MIT.

- But no street smarts, I'm guessing.

- Eh, how's that?

- Because you're correcting the grammar

of a guy with a gun, who's on the edge.

That's how.

- So you are on the edge.

- I'm on the edge because I'm a little worried

you came out here without switching on the fucking sensors.

- Oh, oh, they're all on.

- They are?

Then maybe next time, start with that.

- That's what I came out here to say,

and then you did the gun thing and-

- And you're uncomfortable around guns,

which leads me back to my first question.

Why on earth are you here?

Oh, fuckin' hell!

You're not trying to impress some fuckin' girl, are you,

with a wad of cash?

- No, no. No, really, no.

- So, what is it?

My dad.

- What about your dad?

- My dad had gambling debts.

Big ones.

- To Scrooge?

- Yeah.

And...

This sort of gets him even.

- You're paying off your dad's debt?

That's a pretty honorable thing to do.

- He would want me to do that.

- He would want you to?

He's dead.

- Yeah.

- So you're paying off a dead man's debt?

- We still owe the money.

- Who still owes the money?

- The family.

What do you mean?

- Well, just me.

My mom died of cancer a few years back,

and so it's just me, I guess.

So, Scrooge said that I could pay back this way.

I can do it.

- Do what?

- I can be one of you guys.

- Oh, you're serious, right.

Look...

Blake, don't take this the wrong way, but...

I don't think so.

One of these days, I'm gonna die on one of these gigs,

and that's okay.

Because I've got nothing left to live for.

Nothing left to lose.

I've made every mistake you can think of,

and a few more probably.

And my one hope is that I absolve myself

by doing something so magnanimous, so selfless,

that God might forgive me

for all the terrible things I've done.

I'll tell you the truth.

Even if I did that,

I still think I'm going straight to hell.

But you...

- What? What about me?

- You don't want this life.

Not really.

You never sleep, you never enjoy anything, you can't relax.

It's nowhere.

It's not a life.

So do me one favor...

Make better decisions tomorrow,

because you could get what I've never had.

A life.

- Do you really think that?

- But that's tomorrow.

Whilst you're here, do me a favor,

and follow the fuckin' rules.

- Right. What are the rules?

- Only one. Rule number one.

Don't give a fuck about anybody, anybody but yourself.

Okay?

- Okay. Got it.

- Now, go on. Fuck off back to the bar.

And Blake?

Next time, bring a fucking coat.

- Right.

Sorry.

Colin!

- Hey, Tony!

- The fuck you say to me?

- I mean, Tony!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How long has it been?

- A week.

No, not quite.

It's like only been six days.

- Come on, come on.

I don't wanna work tomorrow, Colin.

You really want me to come back here tomorrow?

Well, I...

I, I...

I don't have it.

- Ah, you don't have it?

- Well, it's coming. - Are you okay?

- Yeah, it's practically here.

It's basically here.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, fine. You?

- No, no, no, no. You seem a little weird.

I mean, you're always a little bit weird, but more so today.

- Uh, just too much eggnog.

- Eggnog?

- Yeah.

- I hear you.

So, am I got to break a finger here or what?

- No, no, no.

Look, you said a week and-

- Colin!

- A week is tomorrow.

- Give me something.

- Look, but...

But...

Look, I-

- But? - I got a down payment.

A what?

- Yeah.

It's like a show of good faith, huh?

- What? Well, all right then.

Give me the fuckin' money.

- Okay. - Where'd you get this?

- Okay, like, tomorrow. Okay?

- Where did you get this?

- I...

It's just an early Christmas present.

- Right.

- Yeah.

Well, you know, just business has been good.

- Been good?

This place looks freakin' dead.

Hi.

- Oh, shit!

Sorry, sweetheart.

You gave me a freakin' heart attack.

Oh my God.

No, no, no, it's okay, it's okay.

If I'm gonna have one,

it should be from someone who looks like you.

- Well, I do hope it's me that kills you then.

- All right.

I see.

I get it, okay.

I see.

- You do? - Yeah, I do. I do.

Colin is looking for some more diversification.

All right?

You know, empty rooms, beautiful ladies.

Right?

- Are you calling me a whore?

- Oh, whoa, no, no, no.

- What he means...

- No.

She's good, that's good.

So, how much?

- No, no.

She's all booked up, all night.

- Yeah, I bet. I bet she is.

- Yeah, so, tomorrow.

- Yeah, tomorrow.

Will you still be here tomorrow?

- Yeah, yeah, she will.

- When the sun goes down.

- Okay. All right.

That's good, that's good.

Because tomorrow I have all the free time in the world,

and plenty of money.

It's a date.

- All right.

All right.

Tomorrow.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- Don't be.

When he comes back, I'm gonna bite his dick off,

and watch him bleed out.

- Gee, that sounds like fun.

Just, just...

Don't let them see you, okay?

- Oh, Colin, you're no fun!

Mommy likes to play with her food.

- Yeah, but just not yet.

- Don't ever tell me what I can and cannot do.

- Okay.

- I fuckin' won!

- It's pretty easy when you're playing yourself, mate.

- Ah, mate.

Not always. Not always!

- There's movement in the pool area.

- In the pool area?

- Yeah.

- might've been the night manager.

- No, he is in reception.

I thought he said the place was empty.

- Yeah, he did.

- Snowman.

Time to earn your money.

- Just wanted a fucking smoke.

After.

Come on then, you cunt.

- That's the spirit.

- Do you know what a mother's love is?

It's something very difficult to explain.

Impossible to teach, yet equally impossible to remove

once you've awoken that sense.

Drink.

- No, no...

No, no...

No, oh!

Drink.

- Anything else?

Yeah.

He was talking to some guy, but nothing since then.

Yeah, he was talking to himself.

- Talking to himself?

- Yeah.

- Show me.

- Where did you find her?

- She was lost.

Wanted to be an actress.

Poor little girl.

But now she gets to play the role of a lifetime.

- Will she be like us?

- In time.

- She hates us.

- She fears us.

It's different.

She sees us as an end,

rather than an eye opening beginning to her second life.

- Do you remember your human life?

- When you learn to walk,

you forget the days that you could only crawl.

- I remember, but only bits and pieces.

I had so much pain.

- Didn't Mommy promise you a world without pain?

- My baby sister.

- It will be the last time she feels pain.

- Who are the men?

- They're men no one will miss.

And no one will come looking for.

- Selene says that they could be dangerous.

- Don't worry, baby.

In this world, we're the hunters.

Police are still looking for

the so-called "Santa Hat Bandits".

If you have any information on these ne'er-do-wells,

please contact your local authorities.

- Everything good?

And remember...

I was just keeping an eye out.

- You don't strike me as someone that's too observant,

for somebody keeping an eye.

It's too much eggnog.

- So, you seen anyone?

- No.

- No one?

- No, not a creature stirring, not even a mouse.

- So, no one's in the hotel?

- Yeah, no, there is.

- There is?

- Yeah, yeah.

There's like a couple of college girls.

They're just passing through.

Why didn't you say anything?

- I, I, just...

Slipped my mind, I guess.

- So they checked in after?

- No, earlier.

Because, you know, you were a day late, so I-

Let me ask you something else.

Do I look like a cunt?

- What?

- Do I look like a cunt?

- What?

- Let me switch it up for you.

- Are you deaf?

- No.

- Are you blind?

- No.

- Do I look like a cunt?

- No.

- Then why are you treating me like one?

- I-

- There was a guy in here 20 minutes ago.

Who the fuck was that?

- No one.

- Who the fuck was he?

- No one.

- No one? Lie to me again.

Lie to me again.

One more time.

Who was that?

- He's...

He's just a guy.

I owe him money.

He comes in every week.

- Finally, something true.

- Yeah, it is.

- And what's it for?

- The debt?

- Yes, Colin. What's the debt for?

- Gambling. I ran up a bill.

I had a streak of bad luck.

I tried to count cards.

- Counting cards.

You gotta be pretty fuckin' smart to count cards.

- All right, fair.

- And you don't strike me as pretty fuckin' smart.

You know what you strike me as?

You strike me as the type of guy

that thinks he can play both sides and get away with it.

Let me tell you something I learned a long time ago.

Luck never favors a man that depends on it.

- Okay.

- Lie to me again, watch your luck change.

Clear?

All right, good.

Good chat.

Keep an eye out. We're depending on you.

- Hey.

- Hello.

- Are you British?

- Oh, yeah.

Guilty as charged.

- Love that accent, right?

- Yummy.

- Well, you know, I've been practicing for 35 years.

- Did you wanna jump in?

- Oh, no, no.

I was just checking out the facilities.

- Smart man. Likes to see what's on offer first.

Yeah.

Well, you know...

I should probably-

- Hey, um, apparently the bar's closed.

You wouldn't happen to have any beers we could buy from you?

- You know what?

I could probably do that.

But no charge.

- No charge?

- Well, nah.

Not for two beautiful ladies such as yourselves.

- Ladies?

What are we, old?

- No, no, no, no. I meant lo-

- Mister, we're girls.

- Girls that just wanna have fun.

Which is a whole lot easier with a few beers.

Am I right?

- You're fuckin' right!

That's what I keep tellin' the fuckin' boys!

- We appreciate a man who likes to cut loose.

- Look...

I'd love to, but you know, I should probably-

Yeah, get back.

'Cause, you know, technically I'm on call.

I should check with the boss, you know?

- Well, surely a man like you

doesn't need to ask permission.

- Oh, no. Of course not.

Then jump in.

Fuck.

I don't have a swimsuit.

- We promise not to look.

I don't promise.

- God.

You know what?

You know what?

Let me get in this, all right?

- All right.

Sounds like we got a party brewing here.

- Vicki, Mother wouldn't want us to drink too much.

- Well, you know, I'm sure two girls like yourselves

don't need to ask permission, do you?

Smooth move.

- I'll be right back, all right?

I'll be right fuckin' back. - Okay.

- Fuck.

No, no, no.

You fuckin' problem.

No, no.

Fuck!

Thank you for calling Crime Watch tip line.

What do you have to report?

- Hi, yes.

Um, hi.

I'm calling about that robbery.

I have information about that robbery

at the County Bank and Trust.

- Tell the elves...

The real Santa's here.

- What?

- Nevermind.

Just go tell 'em their ride is here.

Oh, okay.

I'll tell 'em.

- What? What? - We got problems, mate.

- What kinda problems?

- Clickbait problems, in the pool.

- Women? - Yeah, two of 'em.

- Good looking? - Oh, mate, hotter than hell.

Like fuckin' 10s.

You know what we say about 10.

- "For we dare not touch the sun."

- Dare not touch the sun, mate.

- What the hell does that mean?

- It means it's too good to be true.

So it's probably not.

- So...

- Cops. - Cops.

- No, they wouldn't...

- They would, Junior.

- Sometimes storming the building is the last thing they do.

They come in, do some recon, and separate us.

Then disarm us, and then they storm the goddamn building.

- No, no, there's nothing on the scanners.

- Are they still there?

- Yeah. They're waiting for me to bring them beers.

- So they're staying in the hotel?

- Yeah, that's what they said.

With their mum.

- Okay, go back.

- Go back?

- Yes, go back. Play nice.

- Why?

- Stall for time.

You go with him.

- Me? - Yes.

- Why?

- Because it's gonna be a lot harder

to take two of you than one of you.

We'll keep an open line of communication with Blake, okay?

They won't move on you

if they don't know who you're talking to.

They think it'll spook us, and they know we're armed.

- Are you sure?

I mean, that will look odd.

It'll look like you're making a business call.

Trust me, they are not gonna make a move

if they do not know who you're talking to.

- It could just be two girls

interested in my British charms though, right?

- Stop drinking.

- We need to stall for time here.

- Are we on the move?

- Yes.

Rudolph's nearly back, he'll be here any minute.

You keep that open line,

as soon as I give you the signal,

you double time it back here, and we're out.

- Roger that.

Hey, Snowman.

Aren't they expecting beers?

Uh, oh, yeah.

- Hey, these are for the girls.

- Yeah, yeah, of course.

- Check the scanners, okay?

- Yeah.

Just a bit of chatter, but nothing in this direction.

- Okay, can you use the hotel network at all

to find out where those girls are?

Like what room they're in?

- Why?

- Because I want you to go and check it out.

See if they're legit.

- How do I do that?

- I don't know, Blake!

You're fuckin' smart!

You got a double doctorate from MIT, I hear,

a degree from fuckin' six other universities.

You're a genius, apparently!

- Does it sound like that when I say it?

- Well, yeah, but, but a little more whiny.

Sorry. - Okay.

Sorry.

- Okay, I'm sorry.

Look, hey, help me. Just find them.

Find something out about them. Anything.

- Okay. Where are you going?

- I'm gonna make sure there isn't

a mounting police barricade building outside.

Until then, you're in charge.

- Okay.

Cool.

- Sorry, did I scare you?

- Nobody scares Rudolph, darling.

- Rudolph?

You probably should complain to the costume store.

- Well, you know, you're right.

This thing does make me look a little portly.

- They said you were funny.

- Oh, yeah? Who said I was funny?

- The guys.

They're packing up inside.

- I thought they would've been dying to get outta here.

- I probably shouldn't tell you but,

they're having a bit of a party in there.

Wrapping up the bar with a couple of my girls.

- Sounds fun.

Well...

You probably have time for at least one,

before that lot are ready.

- Well, I'd imagine, but I'm the DD.

- Oh, well...

It's nice to have a man around

that takes responsibility and control.

- You know, my mom would love to hear you say that.

- Tell you the truth, I couldn't wait to get out of there,

and back to my room.

- Out here?

- No.

I just came for a quick cigarette.

- Aren't you cold?

- A little.

Wanna come inside?

- Nah, I'm good.

- They're probably gonna need your help to carry 'em out.

- Carry who out?

- You can probably guess which one of them

was a little too thirsty for his own good.

- Yeah.

I imagine it's the same guy that said it was funny.

- Yup.

- That Jack is such a bastard.

But you know what?

He doesn't know shit but fuck.

- Well, Jack said all the right things about you.

Come inside.

- Oh, listen...

Let me take care of this, and you go on in.

There is no Jack, is there?

- I don't know. I've never met these guys before.

Now listen, I know what you're trying to sell,

and I ain't buying.

'Cause I'm not drunk, I'm not stupid,

and I'm certainly not desperate.

But you're isolated.

- What the fuck is wrong with you?

And alone.

And unarmed.

- Jesus, really?

- Oh, relax.

It's just a flash grenade.

- Feels a bit fuckin' heavy for two girls.

Yeah?

Well, it could be two girls

and the whole goddamn police force for all we know.

- Yeah, it could just be two girls.

- Oh, Jesus, just let stop you right there.

- It could be. - It could be what?

- It could be two girls just wanting

to fuckin' hang out with me.

Really?

- Yes!

- Hey, wait.

Did you tell me you're rich?

- No.

- Sorry, mate. That was your one exception.

- Well, it could be.

- It could be two what?

Two hotter than hell girls just trying to seduce you?

Is that what we're thinking now?

- Cunt!

- Welcome back, Batman.

- It's just that they were fuckin'-

- I get it, all right?

I ain't even seen them, and I get it.

- But that's just misdirected, bro.

Oh, Jesus Christ. And you shouldn't be drinking either.

- Fuck off.

- Hello?

Okay, God.

Here we go.

We are due a minute.

Okay.

Who are you?

Room 666.

Okay.

No, no, no no.

Okay.

Okay.

Here we go.

Oh, God.

- What God?

- No, no, well, I don't mean...

- If I could tell you how many men and women

pray to God in their final moments.

- I don't know, hundreds?

- Thousands.

- Oh, right. I see.

- And if I could tell you how many

God took the time to save...

- We can't just leave him here like this.

They'll see this.

- We're not going to.

Mommy wants a daddy.

And this one's smart.

Me likes.

Me wants.

And so me will have.

- Oh, man.

Uh, yeah, I...

- Lock the fire exits.

All of them.

This won't take long.

In my sunrise, you'll get everything you deserve.

- Hey, he's back!

- And he brought a handsome friend.

- Yeah, and something your mother wouldn't like.

This is a no work zone.

- Yeah? Tell that to my boss.

Yeah, Blake. I'm still here.

- Right.

Who's up for strip poker?

- I thought British men were gentleman.

- We fuckin' are.

Which is why...

I'm gonna give you girls a lead by taking off my boots.

What...

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

- Blake, what did you find?

It's Satanic shit.

- Say that again?

It sounded like you said "Satanic shit".

- I don't know.

Like, they could be Devil worshipers or something.

- Okay.

No, no, no. Get back to the bar.

Don't hang around, Blake.

- Okay.

- Hey, Siri.

Send a text message to the Grinch.

"Not cops."

Send.

- Hey, yo.

Maybe this is a miracle.

- What is?

- Us finding you hotties.

Really?

- Yeah. They haven't even seen "The Departed".

Have you?

Who hasn't seen "The Departed"?

- Us?

- Told you.

They haven't seen it, nevermind lived anything like it.

- Well, that's great fuckin' news.

- Isn't it?

- Well, it's great news,

because we're gonna have to watch it together.

Is this a Christmas movie?

- Jesus Christ.

You should marry that one, bud.

I'll leave you two, you know?

- All right, girls, I wanna fuckin' know,

is why we still got our fuckin' pants on!

Come on then!

- Hey, Siri, call Rudolph.

- Run.

Get out of here.

- What?

- Get out of here.

Now.

- Who are you?

- Now.

- Yummy.

You smell good.

No, no, stop.

- Don't worry.

I'll leave some for you.

- How did you do that?

- I don't know what the fuck is going on.

- Get me out.

- It was just a spoon.

I know. Hey.

- It was just a spoon.

- Yeah, I see that.

Can you...

There's a key behind you.

- What?

- Grab the key.

What?

- Grab the key behind you!

- Right.

Right, yeah.

Right.

Okay, right. - Hurry, hurry.

- There's others left. They're coming.

I'm Genie.

- What?

- I'm Genie.

- Oh, I'm Blake. - Blake.

Thanks.

Okay, this one, hurry, please.

Okay, let's go!

- Fuck.

Call the Grinch.

- Yeah.

- Grinch, get back to the bar double-time.

They're not cops. We've got a new problem.

- Okay, you got it.

Just go!

- I got it.

- Sorry, buddy.

- You girls like it when I go down.

Ladies?

Where'd you go?

Oh, right.

Sexy little game of hide and seek, is it?

Don't fuck with me. Don't fuck with me.

Ladies?

What the fuck is going on?

Look, I don't want any of these jokes.

I don't want any of these fuckin' jokes!

Come on!

Don't fuck with me!

I've been nice, girls, but don't fuck with me!

Fuckin'!

What the fuck?

It's all right, it's all right.

Just fuckin' around, aren't you?

Just fuckin' around.

Just fuckin' around, just fuckin' around.

Cunts!

- Got it.

Sorry to break up the party.

Snowman!

Snowman!

What the fuck?

- My baby.

- How?

- How did they get in here?

- I do not know.

- How did they even know which room we were in?

Girls?

- We had a smack.

- Where's Lucia?

- Mother, where's sister-to-be?

- Girls, bad news.

Genie killed our sister,

with the help of our Christmas snacks.

Where are they?

- They're all still there.

- Not all of 'em.

- Victoria?

- We ate one.

The other one ran away.

I like it when they run.

- He might call for help.

- They can't call anyone.

That's why we picked them.

- Can I kill him?

- Put him down.

Go.

And you?

I'll deal with you later.

- Thank you.

Oh, God.

- Hey. We got big fuckin' problems.

- Yeah, I know.

- Who the hell is that?

- Whoa, not one of the problems.

I didn't ask you, Junior.

- Hey, where's Snowman?

- I don't know.

I only left him for a minute, but-

- He's dead.

Trust me.

- Well, you said they weren't dangerous!

- I said they weren't cops.

They're not.

- Yeah, thanks.

I fuckin' worked that out!

- Okay, she's trying to help us.

- From what?

A bunch of serial killers?

Kind of.

- Listen, sweetheart.

I got zero fuckin' patience with you!

- All right, all right, stop.

- Then what?

- Vampires.

Yep. It's a big fuckin' problem.

Yep, we need to move.

Clear?

- Crystal.

- Oh, really?

I was worried that was gonna take much longer to explain.

- I got this.

We need crucifixes.

- I'm an atheist.

- You would be.

Garlic.

- I'm allergic.

- Who the hell are you again?

Uh, sunlight.

- Hey Siri. What time does the sun rise?

Sunrise is at 7:45 AM today.

- Goddamn it.

Well, we gotta find our way outta here.

Well, what the hell are we still doing here?

- Couldn't agree more. Grab the door.

Here, take this.

And you, take this.

Listen.

You both follow me, right behind me.

Okay? Don't stop.

- Okay, okay.

- Go!

So, which one of them is in charge?

- Well, I was in charge for a while.

- Really? - Yeah.

- That's really cool.

- Hey. Merry Christmas.

- Mother doesn't want you boys to check out just yet.

And you, sister-to-be-

- Please, don't hurt them.

- Oh, we're gonna do way more than hurt them.

And you.

- Well then...

- Stop! They're really dangerous.

Grinch, Grinch...

- This is for Snowman.

- Stupid boy.

- Get up, up!

Wait in the bar! Get in the bar!

- Go, go, go!

- Go, go!

Boys will be boys.

In, in, in.

Bro, she decimated my fucking shoulder!

- It's all right.

We can make it if we head to the tree line.

No, you can't.

- I need a fuckin' painkiller here or something.

Yeah, I know how to fix it.

- What?

- Yeah. - You do?

Yeah.

- Hey, hey, you know what has to happen.

Bite down. - Wait, wait, wait!

Bite down.

- On three.

One, two...

- Let him go, let him go, let him go.

Grinch, okay?

You need to focus, okay?

You're gonna be okay.

Hey!

- Sorry, sorry.

Jesus, sorry.

Look, we need to get out of here.

- You cannot outrun Mother.

In a car?

- You won't make it to the car.

- She's right.

- Hey, look.

Why the fuck are we listening to any of these kids?

- 'Cause we're the smart ones.

- Hey, smart one...

We don't know what the hell she is.

They called her fuckin' sister.

- Because I am.

Okay? I...

Or at least I'm gonna be.

What?

Hey, fuck this, man. We gotta go.

- They want you to run.

They're hunting you!

So what do we fuckin' do then?

- We do what we've always done.

- We be unpredictable.

Grinch.

Hey, hey, hey!

- Where are they?

- They...

They barricaded themselves in the bar.

- Sounds like the actions of a bunch of boys to me.

- Look, they have guns!

Which can't hurt us.

- Look, gunfire is gonna draw the cops.

Were close to town, and they'll hear that.

- They can't hurt us.

They won't do that.

- Well, they will if they think you're gonna attack.

- Which is exactly why we won't.

- Look, it's almost sunrise.

- And before it does,

we have a little Trojan Horse in with them.

And she's turning.

Let's see how loyal a hungry dog is.

- Hi.

Hi. Hey.

You okay?

I'm sorry he did that.

- All right. Enough, Romeo.

Step back.

- Our boy says he rescued you.

- He did.

- How did he kill the one guarding you?

- Silver.

- Silver?

The spoon.

- My spoon?

Hey, I want that back.

Well, it's a murder weapon now.

You don't want it.

It's my fuckin' spoon!

- Is the most important thing we have

going on right now your spoon?

- Not really.

- So, those things, they really are what you say they are?

- Yeah.

- And you, you're turning into one of them?

- Not by choice.

- Does that matter?

- No.

- Are you gonna help us?

- Yes.

- And why the fuck should we believe that?

- Because I don't wanna become one of them.

Okay?

I can help you, okay?

I can help you guys.

I can, I will.

Just please, don't let me become one of them.

- Well, I can agree to that deal right now.

Is there a cure?

- Yes, okay?

Mother says there's a way to undo it.

- And look, I'm sorry, but we're not looking for a fight.

We're looking for a way out here.

- Well, right.

Well, the sunlight, right?

They can't be in the sun.

- That's still a while away.

- How many of them are there?

There's three.

- And our weapons?

- Might slow them down, but it won't actually hurt them.

Are you talking about UV light?

What?

- I've got a few grenades that say otherwise.

- Yes, but we need to keep a low profile.

I'm trying to not get eaten.

- Okay, shut up.

Jesus, shut the fuck up.

This better be good, sunshine.

Otherwise, you're bitch number two

I'll slap with the rifle butt.

- UV light.

It's the same as sunlight.

- So what?

- Stun grenades.

They have blinding UV light in them.

- So it'll kill any of her kind?

- She's one of us.

- Nope.

She's apparently turning into something else.

- Only one way to find out.

Hey, hey, hey.

Come on, come on!

- No, no, no.

No...

- Are you serious? Come on, Grinch.

Come on, Grinch!

- Tell my girls to bring them here, dead or alive.

- I'm on it, I'm on it.

- You're an asshole.

- Relax. It didn't kill her.

- Well, I guess she's turning.

- It did hurt.

- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

- It's okay, it's not your fault.

- If it makes you feel better,

you can eat him first when it comes down to it.

Yeah, I think I will.

- All right, we gotta focus.

We need to find our way out of here,

'cause they're not gonna let us just wait it out.

- The car.

- That's what they'll expect.

- Agreed.

So we take that off the table, okay?

Like, what else have we got?

What do we know?

About vampires?

- Yeah.

Like, anything.

Anything at all that would help.

- The word vampire originated from a Slavic myth.

- Shut up, Encyclopedia Brown.

All right, look, I didn't wanna say anything.

- No, go on.

- I feel stupid bringing it up.

- Mate, if it helps...

- Well, I've actually read all the "Twilight" books.

Are you serious?

- Hey, my wife liked them, okay?

- That's...

That's very helpful.

- I'm in shock.

- Hey, they aren't bad.

- I'm in shock you have a wife.

- You little shit... Hey, stop!

- Listen.

You can't outrun them, so don't even try.

But those grenades?

Yeah, they're gonna keep them away until the sun rises.

- That's our play. The grenades.

We take the grenades,

and we slip out through the back, through the tunnels.

- I wouldn't risk going out in the open.

- But if we are out in the open and they're hunting us,

they're out in the open.

We're exposed, they're exposed.

They can hide behind nothing.

- I guess it's as good a plan as any.

- All right, well let's not wait around,

'cause they are not gonna let us sit in the bar all night.

- We're taking Genie, right?

- No! - No!

- She helped us.

- Blake, maybe that isn't the best idea.

- Hey, I'm smart. Super smart.

I have a double doctorate from MIT.

- Jesus. - God, Blake!

- What? What?

You told me to start making better decisions.

That's what I'm doing.

- I meant tomorrow.

Make better decisions tomorrow.

Tonight, could you just follow my decisions?

- Well, I'm making an early start.

- Ugh, fuck. Fine!

- Whoa, whoa, wait, you serious?

If we set off another grenade, it's gonna hurt like hell.

- You know...

It's probably still better than what they're gonna do to me.

- Jesus.

- Oh, I don't have a weapon.

- I bet you could use a spoon right about now.

- Oh my God. Let it go.

- You should probably let that one go.

- Get the fuck off me!

- Merry Christmas, sweetheart.

- No, no, no, not again.

Yeah!

- Oh, thank God.

- I thought you were an atheist.

Hey, hey.

Come on.

We gotta go.

- Okay, right.

- Mother!

- What was this?

- Some kind of sun weapon.

A bomb.

- It killed your sister?

- Yes.

- Then let's go make them pay, little darling.

- No mercy. - None whatsoever.

- Just give me a minute.

- Um, so, what's the plan?

- These doors...

They let you across the courtyard to the squash courts.

- So...

- So, it's a dead end.

Which is not a bad place to be

with your back up against the wall,

when you've got one of these.

- Okay.

Okay, okay.

- Wait out there till sunrise.

- Okay, good. Let's go.

You're real smart.

Double doctorate, right?

- Uh, yeah.

- I'm fucked.

And she's coming.

Go on.

Take care of yourself.

- You're...

You're not a breaking rule number one, are you?

- Yeah.

But only because you started making better decisions.

Off you go.

Come on, fuck off.

Take care of yourself.

Fuck.

Well...

This was a real good idea for the holidays.

- Oh, okay.

Maybe we didn't think this through.

- What do you mean?

- There's no windows.

We won't know when the sun comes up.

- Uh, uh, okay.

Oh, okay, new plan, new plan.

I'll go back, I distract them,

and then you make a for the car.

- No. - Yeah.

- No. - I'm being serious, I-

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I am gonna find a way to stop you from turning, okay?

So, let's just make it through the night.

Okay? - Okay.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, we can do that.

- Okay.

- Just as long as you stay by my side, okay?

- I'm not going anywhere.

- No, I'm okay.

My fat fallen, I'll be fine.

You don't have any, do you?

- And funny too.

An admirable quality for someone who's at death's door.

I'd like something.

Do you wanna know what?

- No I don't really give a fuck

if I tell the truth, no.

- I'd like you to beg for your life.

Seeing as how we won.

Everyone's dead, or about to be.

Like, did you really think you could win?

Didn't GEnie tell you we're stronger and faster?

What's so funny?

- She told me..

But she also said...

That you won, but I'm smarter.

You think that was both of them?

- No.

- Why?

- Mother Hunts alone.

- Why, oh why, are you doing this?

Not for my little girl, surely.

Because she's not gonna suck you off in the way you'd like.

- You tell me how to stop her from turning,

and I'll let you live.

- Brave little boy.

- Hey!

Step back.

Step back.

- Then kill us both.

- Yeah.

And he'll live.

- Baby, just a few more minutes.

It'll all be over.

- I said step back.

- Do not turn your back on your mother!

- Hey, hey, it's okay.

Come on.

Hey, you're good.

Come here.

Hey. You okay?

- Yeah. Never been better.

Are we trapped?

- Yeah.

We have this.

- We need to get her in here.

- Blake, it's...

My hands are healed, it's already happened.

- I'm too late?

- Yeah, afraid so.

- Are you gonna eat me?

- No.

You're gonna kill me before that happens.

- No, no.

I'm not gonna do that.

- You said you were gonna help me.

Well, this is how you're gonna do it.

- Turn me.

- What?

- Yeah.

I mean, you can do that now that you're one of them, right?

- Yeah, I can. - Then do it.

- I'm not going to.

- Why?

- Because you need to live, for the both of us.

- She's not gonna let me live.

- Mother...

- That's right, little boy.

- I'd rather it was you.

- Kill him, Genie.

Or I will.

And I won't be half as nice as you'd be.

- Genie, it's okay.

I want you to.

- Eat him up, little baby.

He should be your first.

- It's okay.

- Are you sure?

- It'll be fun.

- I'm so sorry.

I really didn't want to have to do this.

Oh my God.

What did I...

- Don't worry, baby.

Everybody gets through their first.

It's hard, I know.

- Told you I could be an actress.

- Housekeeping!

- Good job, Blake.

This is the worst Christmas ever!

Ah, shit!

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm, all is bright ♪

♪ Round yon Virgin Mother and Child ♪

♪ Holy infant so tender and mild ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm, all is bright ♪

♪ Round yon Virgin Mother and Child ♪

♪ Holy infant so tender and mild ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪