Original subtitles

Hey, morning.

- Mm. - Off to the salt mines.

Have fun.

You know what, hon? Will you remind Kristin

that she still has a mother?

I-I mean, she stopped our morning coffee

'cause she goes to work early,

and our evening wine because she stays late.

You know, if you started the morning with wine,

you wouldn't even notice that she's gone.

No, I'm serious. Come on, it's like she lives at work.

- Mm. - Bye.

You know, I've noticed that.

I notice everything.

- Bye. - Have a good day.

So, what are you hiding from Mike?

Nothing. What are you hiding from Mike?

None of your business.

Come on, spill it.

My friends are visiting next week from Hong Kong,

and they want me to take them camping.

If Mr. Baxter finds out, he's gonna want to...

teach me stuff.

Yeah, I mean, that's because you've never been camping.

Where, uh, where are you guys thinking of going?

Oh, I found the perfect spot at the top of Torreys Peak.

- Torreys Peak? - Mm-hmm.

That's so dangerous. I...

Why-why don't you start somewhere easier,

like a roadside campground?

Uh, we want to have an adventure?

We shouldn't be able to walk to a gas station

- and get nachos. - Uh... look, look, wait.

No, but... Torreys Peak

is above the tree line.

You know who's really good at camping

and doesn't go there? Trees.

I can handle it.

There's a ton of information on the Internet,

and I've done all my research.

Look, look, look. I-I once did research

to learn how to make a French omelet,

and you know what happened when I finally made one?

It came out perfectly?

We ended up having oatmeal.

But my oatmeal didn't kill your friends.

Would it make you feel better

if I prove to you I know how to camp?

- How are you gonna do that? - I don't know.

You're the expert. You tell me.

All right, all right, how about we camp for one night

in the backyard, and we'll see how you handle

some unexpected situations.

Deal. You've got your situations,

I've got my camping apps.

Bring it on.

This will be fun.

What do you feel like having for breakfast?

Can you make me a French omelet?

You got it. Bowl of oatmeal coming up.

*LAST MAN STANDING (US)* Season 09 Episode 20

Episode Title: "Baxter Boot Camp" Aired on: May 20, 2021

Hey, Kristin, you-you want a cup?

Oh, no, thank you.

I have got all the energy I need

from the natural adrenaline rush of hard work.

A little insulting, but okay.

Oh, I-I'm sorry.

I-I'm just, I'm just so excited

about how much I'm accomplishing.

No, that's great. Sounds like taking over for your dad's

- gonna be a snap. - Well, I hope so.

I still need to master his "get back to work" look.

Mm.

- Good morning, Kris, Chuck. - Morning. Hey.

There it is.

So, uh,

I don't want to brag, but I am kicking work's ass.

Well, be careful. Kicking work's ass could wear you out.

Just ask Ed. He's actually only 34 years old.

I'm serious.

I've already finished the cost-benefit analysis

of switching over to the new software.

That's a lot of work. Where you get the energy?

Please tell me you're not putting meth in your coffee.

No, uh, every day, I work an extra hour.

Well, that hour comes from someplace.

You really think this is worth it?

You should be proud of me, Dad.

I came up with a better system than Mike Baxter.

I am proud of you. Very proud of you.

As a matter of fact, I'm so proud of you,

I'm gonna get you involved in the quantitative analysis

of opening new stores in, uh, good locations.

- Oh. - Unless that's too much work.

No. No way. I got this.

Hey, oh, uh, and one of these days, you're gonna have

to teach me your "get back to work" look, you know?

Well, y-you'd actually have to stop working

for me to give you the look.

So, you're proposing to work part-time here for me,

and... part-time at the church for God?

Well, God won't be in an office over there.

How cool would that be?

Uh, but yes, th-that's what I'd like to do.

Excuse me, I-I realize t-that, uh,

this may be a little late to ask you this,

but, um...

are you sure you want to be a minister?

Absolutely.

So, what's the attraction, son? What is it?

The uncomfortable collar? Huh? The low wage?

The missing those early football games on Sunday?

You're forgetting the most important thing

about being a minister.

- And what is that? - Giving people hope.

I'm sure there are a few people he'd like to put through a wall.

Like everyone with a battery-powered skateboard.

I don't think so, Mr. Alzate.

A-And this whole heaven thing, huh?

Big, beautiful palaces, right?

Uh, music everywhere.

Everyone drunk, carrying buckets of coins, huh?

You're thinking of Las Vegas.

Ah. Well, at least I know how to get to Vegas.

How the hell am I supposed to get into heaven?

Well, I mean, there's things that people do.

- Mm-hmm. - You know.

No. No, I don't know.

I-I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what, now.

You, uh you come to me

with a simple, easy-to-follow plan

that gets me into heaven,

and I'll approve this, all right?

Well, that's not exactly an easy thing to explain.

Yeah, well, I know it.

If it was easy, we wouldn't need people like you

to become ministers to explain it.

Bye.

Interesting. I probably would've packed

a mallet to pound those stakes.

But, you know, but then, I'm a geologist,

and I'm against cruelty to rocks.

But I got this on shale.

- Ooh. Good one. - Ugh.

When you asked me to help, you promised no geology puns.

Oh, you're right. We're quarry.

Hey, guys.

- Wow. I knew I smelled tent. - Hey.

And maybe a bit of fear.

Well, the family tent is out.

I wonder what that's doing out here. Huh.

What a mystery.

Little harder to hide a tent

than it is to shut your laptop, isn't it?

Look, I notice everything.

Vanessa is just teaching me a few tips on camping.

- Nothing for you to worry about. - Whoa, whoa, wait.

So you thought she'd be less tough on you than me?

Well, yeah.

- What? - Nothing, nothing.

Just fasten your seat belt.

All right, all right, come on. Go, go, go.

- There's lasagna inside if you want it. - Oh, yeah.

- Go, go, go. Get out. - All right.

Good luck, everybody.

Let's see here.

Ah, well, this looks pretty solid.

What, uh, what do you think, Mandy?

Hmm?

Oh, well, I love that shade of black.

- Yeah. - Me, too.

- Now take it down. - What?

You pegged your corners before you zipped your entry.

- Mm. - Now you'll never get it shut.

Yeah, no, no, no, she-she's right.

She's right. You got to take it down.

Uh, but put these on first.

But I can barely see now!

Well, because it's night. Huh?

You didn't pack a flashlight, did you?

Well, yes, I did.

It seems to be gone.

- Oh. - What? Well, that is unexpected.

Maybe one of your friends took it out

and left it somewhere.

Well, why would they do that?

I don't know. I don't know your friends.

All right, look, look, look, look.

Listen, listen, these things happen.

Okay? Now, look, you're at the top of Torreys Peak.

You took two hours to hike up here, two hours to set up,

and that's after a five-hour drive.

- What do you do now? - I don't know.

You're above the tree line! You don't get to not know.

Come on! It's pitch-black and freezing. What do you do?

Uh, I start a fire?

Come on. Asking me or telling me?

- Uh, I start a fire! - Right, right.

Well, I hope you brought wood because...

No trees.

As a matter of fact, I did.

Score one for Jen.

Okay.

Ha, ha.

Okay.

Look at that. Very nice.

You are all set for a toasty fire.

Wait a minute, what's that? Thunder?

- I don't hear anything. - Oh...

Jen, Jen, you got to study the clouds on the drive up here.

See that? See that? Those are cumulonimbus clouds.

And that probably means...

Rain!

What?

Ah. Should've covered that wood up with a tarp.

- Yeah. - You guys are driving me crazy.

I should've had Mr. Baxter teach me.

I'm right here. What's up? You need some help?

No!

Guess what came in the mail today.

- No way. - Oh, yeah.

Toxic Titans, volume one, issue four.

Whoa. The first appearance of Fire Falcon.

"Ick-lack-fabba-doo-wonk. Ca-caw!"

What do you think? Should we, uh, bust this baby open

or, uh, you're doing seminary stuff?

Uh, no, this is actually a project

Mr. Alzate asked me to do.

Bible stuff? For Ed?

I thought he only believed in jazz and Rita Moreno.

He wants me to tell him how to get into heaven.

Ick-lack-fabba-doo-wonk.

I know.

Look, I... Not that I believe in any of this stuff,

but isn't there a pretty direct answer to that question?

Yes, but I don't know how comfortable I am

talking to Mr. Alzate about being saved.

Yeah, don't imagine that's a conversation he would spark to.

Unless you're doing it in a speakeasy.

Yeah. I'm really not sure what to do.

Well, uh, lucky for you,

- Fire Falcon does. - What do you mean?

Okay, you remember volume three, issue 24?

Uh, yeah, yeah. Of course.

Fire Falcon's grandfather is dying

and he can't make it back to the Golden Nest.

Right. And-and Fire Falcon tells him, he...

he tells him, "Shakka-boo-loma-coki."

"The Nest will come to you."

God, it still gets me.

Ooh. You know, why don't you just tell Ed that?

Y-You want me to tell him that he doesn't have to do anything?

Well, I think we both know

that's what he wants to hear anyway.

Yeah, but that's not what I believe.

Well, it's not what Fire Falcon believed,

but it brought his grandfather peace.

Oh, man, I got to take a little walk.

You want me to dig a hole? For what?

To hide my valuables?

No, no, no. Uh, the hole is your...

powder room.

Ugh, I'm not doing that.

All right, well, here's an idea.

Why don't you go to a roadside campground

that has indoor bathrooms?

Fine, I'll dig the hole.

Look, Jen, we're just trying to show you

all the things you need to prepare for.

So what's next? Will you throw ice cubes at me

and tell me it's a hailstorm?

Or set off a stink bomb and tell me it's skunks?

Or we could put a snake in there

because you left the tent unzipped.

I wouldn't be surprised.

Oh, and there it is.

Really scary.

You want your rubber snake back now?

That's a real snake.

It's just a garter snake. It's harmless.

I can't believe you are doing all of this just to ruin my fun.

No, no, no. No, no, no. I want you to have fun.

But I want you to know what you're getting yourself into.

Look, I-I want you to be safe.

Well, don't worry, I will be safe,

because I'm not going to go camping with my friends at all!

Jen...

What?

You told me it was a rubber snake

when you had me put it in there.

It is, honey.

It... Go get it.

All right, I'm out of here.

Ah. You sticking around again tonight?

- Business never sleeps, Chuck. - Mm.

I love doing this.

Makes me really fulfilled, you know?

Like, I feel like I'm making a difference.

So don't worry about me.

I just wanted to remind you to turn the coffee maker off.

Last pot got all charred and crusty at the bottom.

Had to throw it out.

- Right. Turn off the coffee. - Mm.

- Won't forget tonight. - Yeah.

And I'm glad you're fulfilled and everything.

- That's awkward, Chuck. - Okay. All right.

- See you later. - Good night.

Mess up one time and they never let you forget it.

Hey, you know, they say the first sign

of a mental breakdown is talking to yourself.

Huh.

"Is that right, Mike?” "Yes, it is."

"Well, then, why haven't you broken down?" "Listen, just...

- Let me talk to her!" - I'm fine, Dad. I'm fine.

Okay? In fact, I'm-I'm better than fine. I'm great.

Well, that's good to hear.

Yeah, I should have all of this done

and on your desk by tonight.

Well, I don't need it tonight. You can just wait till tomorrow.

I mean, it could wait till tomorrow, but why would it?

You know? I can do it tonight.

Good point, good point.

Yeah, and that would, uh, open up time tomorrow

- to do the monthly budget report. - Huh?

Yeah, I would normally wait till the end of the month,

but you got such an amazing system,

why not just do it tomorrow?

Sure. Why not?

Unless there's a problem.

No, no. No problem.

Well, it s... kind of sounds like there's a problem.

Nope. Mm. Must be nice to have someone

you can just dump all your work on

so you can go home and relax with your family.

It is.

- Good night, Kris. - Night.

- Listen, hon. - Yes?

I'd like you to remember one thing: very important.

Huh?

Turn off the coffee maker,

otherwise it gets this weird burnt stuff at the bottom

and "M... Mike likes his coffee." "Yes, he does.

He really likes his coffee." "You shut up."

"You shut up." "I'm the one that should shut up."

- Dad, good night. - Say good night to both of us.

- Yeah. - Hey, Mr. Alzate.

H-Have you got a minute?

Well, who knows how much time

any of us have, huh?

That's why I'm hoping you've got a good plan for me

to get to the great beyond.

Well, I've thought about it a lot since we talked,

and as you can imagine, it's a complicated topic.

Uh, didn't there used to be something called

"sale of indulgences," huh?

Where you could pay to get a "get out of hell free" card?

- Are they still doing that? - No, sir.

Mm.

Uh, they stopped doing that about 500 years ago.

Oh. Damn.

I just missed it. All right.

So you said, uh, you thought a lot about it.

You're a smart kid. What'd you figure out?

Well, I figured out one thing

that really sucks about being a minister.

Oh. This is not starting well.

Well, uh, it's not easy telling somebody about being saved

when that someone is you.

Why? Because I'm heading south?

No.

No, because I'm a salty son of a bitch?

No. Because you're somebody who saved me.

What?

I've told you what my life was like

before I got here to Outdoor Man.

I mean, this place was like heaven to me.

Well, that's, uh, that's wonderful to hear.

So, I don't want to preach to you.

But I do believe certain things.

So if you ever want to have that conversation with me,

I would really, really love that.

Okay, I guess that means you don't have

a simple answer to my heaven question.

It means you deserve more than a simple answer.

Oh.

You're gonna be a hell of a minister, Kyle.

Oh, yeah.

That's-that's one lucky church.

Uh, good luck. And, uh... Now scram. I've got work to do.

Go on.

- Mr. Alzate? - Yeah.

I do believe, one day, that I'll be in heaven.

But I don't see how it could be heaven unless you're there, too.

You salty son of a bitch.

Here you go. All finished with the budget.

Thank you.

What, are we looking for a reward cookie?

I'm just waiting for you to throw

whatever project you have at me next.

Bring it on.

That sounds like a challenge.

It is. Y... obviously,

y-you're trying to overload me, but guess what?

I am happy to work the extra hours because I love this job.

You know, t-there actually are no "extra hours."

You don't work one, get one free.

- Last count, I think there's actually 24 hours in a day. - Hmm.

You know what I mean.

Have you ever noticed that there's no pictures

of your sisters or your mom in this office?

What?

Pictures. There's no pictures of my family in here.

Uh, fine.

Uh, gee, no, Dad I didn't.

Why is that?

Because I don't like you people.

But there's plenty of pictures of me in here.

What's your point?

I want to miss you guys.

I-I don't understand.

L-Leaving a job you don't like is easy,

but leaving work when you love it, that's hard.

But I love my family, too.

I know, I know, but sometimes working here is gonna take

time away from your family.

And I just want you to understand

that this is your choice.

I hear you.

But I'm not actually worried about that. I...

You taught me how important family is.

Wait a second.

Wouldn't having pictures of us around

make you want to see us more?

Yeah.

That's a good observation.

All right, I think I made most of that up.

There's actually only enough wall space

for this guy's picture.

What's this?

Come sit and have some hot chocolate.

Okay.

There's, uh, not some crazed mountain man

ready to jump out at me, is there?

Where's Mr. Baxter?

Oh, no.

It's fine, it's fine.

Look, the hard part is over.

So I know you think that we took the Baxter Boot Camp

a little too far, but I am a Baxter.

And I do love boots.

Yeah, last night we tried to show you

the difficult parts of camping, but it can also really fun.

Oh, yeah, this is a blast.

- Sitting in the backyard. - No, it is fun.

Look... uh, listen, it doesn't matter if you're

at Torreys Peak or a roadside campground

or-or even in your own backyard.

Camping is about being in nature,

slowing down and-and spending time

- with the people you care about. - Hmm.

Then I really should go camping with you guys.

Mm, that's sweet.

But I don't camp, I just instruct.

Hey. Have you guys seen the girls?

- Oh. - We're playing hide-and-seek,

but they have gotten really good.

Uh, no, no, we have no idea where they are.

In the tent.

Oh, okay, Kyle. I guess they won.

Yeah, I guess we'll never find them.

Yeah, we should probably just, I don't know...

Ah!

Really think I'd ever let work

get in the way of being with this family?

You know, when you think about it,

pictures wouldn't actually ever do this justice.

True.

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