Original subtitles

- Mmm. - Hey.

I really missed you today. How was that physical?

Oh, turns out I've got an enlarged heart.

What?

Yeah, it-it's twice the size.

It's filled with love for you.

Oh... oh!

I love you.

Uh, wait, your-your heart... Is-is it really enlarged?

No, no. Dr. Clark checked me out and I'm fine.

Actually, the dude looked everywhere, trust me.

This is why I can't make eye contact with the guy.

And I always feel like having a cigarette.

That was good, Doc. Thanks a lot.

Well, look, I am glad you've decided to stick around

because, frankly, I'm too old to start dating again.

Although he did suggest that I add stretching to my workouts.

Honey... I have been telling you that for years.

And I've been telling you this for years:

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

- 'Cause these bad boys ain't broke. - Okay, all right.

You can put Patton and Sherman away now.

At ease, boys. "Oh, come on, dude!"

All right.

- You know, stretching can be fun. - Ehh...

I can think of a stretching activity

that we could do together.

Yeah.

- It involves, uh, flexibility... - Oh, yeah.

- And different positions. - You bet it does.

- Heavy breathing. - Yeah!

A lot of sweating.

Yeah. All right.

And it only takes 60 minutes.

A bit ambitious, but I'm in.

Yeah. I'm talking about yoga.

I have a class in an hour if you want to join.

Oh.

As much as I'd like that, I...

I think about that enlarged heart and probably

- not a good idea, it's... - Oh, yeah.

- Hey, honey, I'm back. - Oh, thank God.

- 'Cause I've been like this for an hour. - Oh, my God!

I-Is it your heart? Uh... g... What-what can I do?

- How-how can I help you? - Pull your phone out. Pull your phone out.

- I have it, I have it. I have it. - Okay.

Now videotape me doing this. 199...

200! Oh. Yeah.

Ha, ha.

I heard you coming down the stairs.

I thought it was funny.

And your heart rate's up,

- so you got some cardio out of it. - Yeah, well...

Very funny. You know, I bet the women in my yoga class

would love you.

And then they'd be hitting on me.

How bad do you want me to take that class?

You know, I think you would like it if you tried it.

Eh...

You can't win at yoga.

Well, you can't win weight lifting.

Of course not, because I'm competing with myself.

Who would be the winner?

- Not everything is about winning. - Yeah, just the fun stuff.

I'm just not into this. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh. Well, you know who is into it?

Chuck.

- Figures, Larabee. - Yep.

First Zumba, now this. Anything to put tights on.

Uh-huh. Well, he raves about it.

He never told me about it.

Well, gee, I wonder why.

- Honey? - What?

Get out, please.

I just think you should consider trying it.

Uh, no.

- Honey, I'm not telling you to do it. - I know.

I'm just asking you to consider it.

Let's ask the generals. What do you guys think?

"Absolutely not."

"This is about the Battle of the Bulge."

Okay, forget it.

I love game night.

We were catching up until you guys played... what was it?

"Quixotic."

Which means idealistic or impractical.

Like playing board games when you have a ton of work to do.

Right. But we couldn't play "zipple."

Thanks for nothing, Oxford "English" Dictionary.

You guys, Sarah and Evelyn

fell asleep holding hands.

- Oh... - Oh.

Yeah, I took, like, 60 pics, 'cause, well, you know,

I love to look at them on the plane.

Yeah, she's, uh, going to New Mexico next week.

Yeah, Santa Fe. I will be staying

at the Cactus Flower Resort for a vendor conference.

Which you will crush.

And then, when you get back, I am speaking

at Marijuana Days at Joshua Tree,

which it turns out is every day in Joshua Tree.

Man, you guys are always doing such cool stuff,

flying all over the place.

Yeah, I don't know where you find the zipple.

Nice try. Still not a word.

I don't remember the last time I was on a plane.

Oh, I do. You fell asleep on my shoulder for three hours.

Your drool mark was heart-shaped.

Oh. I don't remember the last time

- we were even in a car together. - No.

Well, Kyle and I tried to sit apart on the couch last night

to focus on a movie.

Yeah, but it didn't work.

We were cuddling by the end of the opening credits.

'Cause we're snug-aholics.

Oh, us, too.

We have a snuggle penciled in for next Wednesday, right, hon?

That's right, babe. 8:25 to 9:15,

then a conference call with Amsterdam.

- Uh, we better get going. - Yeah. I'll scoop up Sarah.

Oh. Okay. Uh, well...

No, just let her-let her sleep here.

We can just drop her off in the morning.

Oh, well, that's sweet, but no,

we can pick her up, we're not busy.

Oh, yeah, tomorrow, we've got absolutely zipple.

No. Still no.

Yeah. Thanks.

Could you hand me that nine-16th wrench?

It should be on the rag, there.

Ah, okay.

Here you go.

Ah, namaste, downward dog.

Oh, I was wondering when you'd find out.

- Yeah, I was trying to avoid another Zumba situation. - Yeah.

You said men should only dance

when they score a touchdown.

And even those guys should be given a penalty

- for that stupid stuff. - All right.

So I'm doing yoga. What do you care, man?

Uh, well, I care because all of a sudden

Vanessa wants me to take yoga, and now you're exhibit A.

Oh. Well, you know, man, she's right.

You know, yoga has been great for my flexibility,

and I actually feel stronger.

Stronger than who... The 80-year-old woman

next to you on that flat mat?

Stronger than the cranky bastard trying to loosen a bolt.

I just don't think of yoga as strength training.

I'm-I'm lifting weights, you're just taking orders

from a woman named Serenity, barking at you

to put your weight on one foot.

I could stand on one foot

- and kick your ass with the other. - Yeah?

Careful, you don't have your tights on you.

Oh, man, if I could get some leverage under this somehow.

Oh, well, so much for the weight lifting.

You think you can do this?

Yeah, I think I could do it.

I don't want to make it a contest,

but I think I can do it.

I think I can do it standing on one foot.

Well... have at it.

Oh, all right, then.

- Ooh. - Now, wait a minute. Hold on.

Should I light some incense or something?

I don't need incense.

Okay. How about chanting "om"?

Gimme an O. Gimme an M.

What do we got? Om.

Observe the power of yoga, Baxter.

Go, go, go, go.

Oh!

Gosh! Unh!

What's the problem, bolt too tight?

No, no, no, no, no, it's my back.

That's not funny, man.

I'm serious, it's my back.

Oh, really? 'Cause you know what?

That is kind of funny.

Ow. Ow. Ow!

- Heard you the first time. - Okay.

- Just give me a minute. Uh... - All right.

Then we can head over to my house.

I think I can make it across the street.

I don't know, it took you, like, an hour

to limp in from the garage. Going across the street...

I'll have to pack us a lunch.

Oh, man, why does the back have to be connected

to so much?

Well, think about it: The head would look pretty stupid

just sitting on top of your ass.

- Ow! - Whoa, whoa.

Hey. Oh. What happened?

Uh, Stretch Armstrong here pulled his back out

working on the truck.

Ah. Well, you want me to go get Carol?

Oh, no, she's at her mom's this weekend.

- Hmm, well, uh, let's get some ice on it. - Yeah.

- Boy, backs are the worst, right? - Yeah, they are, man.

Mine's good. Mine's pretty good.

Oh, man, you're lucky.

Yeah, I'm just saying, you know, mine-mine's pretty good.

Maybe be yours is too loose.

You know, working out. Uh, maybe yoga...

- Maybe that's what got your - Oh.

Back too loose.

No, uh, I-I don't think so.

Oh, you don't know. You don't really know, really.

I didn't get injured because I do yoga.

People hurt their backs weight lifting, too, you know.

Yet I'm standing right here. Look at this.

Wow, I could do this all day.

You know, it's a good thing we aren't both doing yoga,

because otherwise you'd be taking care of two people.

No, no, no, no, no, Vanessa,

you don't have to take care of me.

W-Wait. So, I mean, what-what

makes you think that I'm gonna take care of Chuck?

- You're Vanessa... - Uh-huh.

- You give a crap about people. - - Yeah.

Well, you know, people help other people.

Your friend hurt his back helping you,

Now you get to return the favor

and, uh, and help him.

I don't want to help him.

I want to get him back to his house.

Well, now that I think about it, I don't think it's a good idea

- for me to be over there all by myself. - Yeah. And, I mean,

I wish I could help, but, I mean,

as you mentioned earlier, my back...

- ooh, it might be too loose from all that yoga. - Yeah.

Yeah, it sounds risky to me.

- It's more like a job for a weight lifter. - Yeah.

Well, let me head down to the gym and see if

I can get anybody what wants to help you.

Well, I am off. I am gonna spend the afternoon with Jen

in Larimer Square.

So, hey, Chuck, listen, if you need anything,

I mean, honestly, anything at all...

he's right there.

Oh. Well, this is so nice of you, Baxter.

Hey, man, why don't you, uh, toss me that pillow, please.

I can, uh... Yeah, that-that pillow, yes.

Please. Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Okay, all right, now I can... I can put this

under my... Oh!

I don't want the shoes on the couch, come on.

- Here we go. - All right, all right.

- Ow. Ow! Ow. - Hey, hey, easy.

Are all Marines this tough?

Hey, was that kind of awkward with Kyle and Mandy last night?

Did you really just text me "totally"?

Yeah.

Sorry, bad habit.

Yeah, it was kind of weird, right?

Like, we were all just hanging out,

and then they just got up and left.

Well, we were kind of blabbing about our successes.

Mm, it was kind of like we were rubbing their noses in it.

They probably thought we were rubbing their noses in it.

I wish we had realized how uncomfortable

that must have been for them.

Yeah, I mean, we get to spend so much time together.

They're always racing from one place to another,

and not even in the same car.

It's so sad.

- They must be so unhappy. - And there we were,

bragging about being snug-aholics.

And they're workaholics,

which isn't fun and made-up like ours.

I think we should just play down how good things are for us.

Yeah, that's not really gonna be easy

with the people that live above our garage.

We've got to make them feel better about their own lives.

Yeah, no matter how sad those lives are.

- You are so kind and considerate. - Aw.

Oh!

Deal closed.

Weekend sales hit a record.

- Ooh, baby. - Ah...

That cat thinks it's people.

- Got your hot tea with three sugars. - Oh.

Why don't you just eat candy?

It's weird, you never drink tea at work.

I drink it all the time. It's my comfort drink.

I thought scotch was your comfort drink.

It's both.

Sometimes I mix them together.

For double comfort.

Man, this seems to have cooled down since your walk over here.

Would you mind heating it up for me?

Could have told me that before I sat down.

Oh, I'm sorry, man, when you can't move yourself,

you... lose track of things like that.

I haven't lost track of anything, like time?

It's been, like, two really irritating hours.

So you gonna heat this up or not?

Or not. Why don't you just drink one

of the other six things I got you?

You are really enjoying this, aren't you?

What does that mean?

It means that... the best part of your day

was when you hurt your back.

Wow. Man, it-it really takes

a huge ego to think that me living in agony

is worth it to give you a bit of a hard time.

You're enjoying this.

You are having a good time.

Unbelievable, man. Man, if I could move,

I would be so out of here.

If I had a big enough wheelbarrow,

I would move you out of here.

You would do that, too, wouldn't you?

I'm just saying you waltzed in through the garage

in good time, but as soon as we want to get you to your house,

"Oh, my back really hurts now."

Hey, man, my back stiffened up.

You never got me that ice.

- I had a good reason for that. - And what was that?

I didn't want to.

- You really are a piece of work. - Oh, stop.

- You know what? - Watch out.

Yeah, you only wanted to use my injury for one thing.

- What? - Getting out of doing yoga.

- Oh. - The second Vanessa walked in here,

you thought, "Well, oh, well, here's an exhibit A I can use."

All right, I got to admit

you know, opportunity was knocking, I opened that door.

Oh, man, that's it, that's it.

Okay, look, I'll get you the tea.

- No, no, no, man, no. - Just sit back down.

Forget the tea.

I am out of here.

Pretend this is faster.

Hey, Ed.

- Hey. - Is Chuck in yet?

Uh, yes and no.

What does that mean?

It means that he's taken this

muscle relaxer for his back.

It's making him feel a little loopy.

At first it was funny, now it's just annoying.

Ed Alzate!

Good morning.

Yeah, we already saw each other, Chuck.

Right, sorry.

You know, these pills... They make me a little loopy.

We already had that discussion, Chuck.

- Yeah. - If you're not feeling 100%,

why don't we get someone to drive you home.

We talked about this, Baxter.

No, we didn't. I just got here.

Oh, right.

- Sorry. - Yeah.

You know, these pills, they make me a little...

Loopy, yeah, got that.

Yeah. So are we still mad at each other or did we make up?

I wasn't mad at you. I just was trying

to get you to your house, that's it.

Oh, 'cause I may have overreacted.

I was in a lot of pain,

and you're hard to take even when I feel good.

- Fair enough. - Ah, mm.

Besides, I'm a Marine.

What do I care if you don't think yoga is for real men?

I don't really care who it's for.

- Oh. - Really, it's just not for me.

Oh, you're embarrassed somebody might see you

- in the pants. - Yeah, right.

You put me in yoga pants,

you put me on The Ed Sullivan Show,

- Uh-huh. - The censors would only be able

to see me from the waist up.

Okay, so what's the problem?

I don't need a reason. Maybe I was just being difficult.

Fair enough.

Good morning, Mr. Baxter, Mr. Larabee.

- Hey. - Morning, Jen, listen, maybe you should give

Mr. Larabee a ride home, 'cause he's...

high on goofballs.

Sure thing, Mr. Baxter.

Are you okay, Mr. Larabee?

I'm fine, my back's a little sore.

I'm just pretending to be loopy.

It's the only way to make a point with Baxter

without him fighting back.

So you don't need a ride?

Mm, no thanks.

Eddie Alzate!

When'd you get in?

Oh, for the love of horse biscuits.

See, that was just for fun.

Oh, hey, Kristin and Ryan are walking over.

Oh, perfect. That gives us a chance

to make them feel better about their sad lives

by making them think that our lives suck.

Great.

But our lives don't really suck, right?

Our lives are perfect.

We're pretending.

I hate these plates.

How's that?

Perfect.

- Okay, but remember... - I know.

We are the picture of encouragement.

Nothing about our super cool lives.

Yes.

Oh! Door's open.

- Yeah, hi. - Hey, look.

It's Kristin and Ryan,

and we're home.

- How great is that? - Yeah.

We're always home.

Snore.

Oh, uh, mind if I sit down for a minute?

I've been going at it since 6:00 a.m.

Oh, sucks.

Yeah, sure, yeah. We're just making dinner.

Again. Seems like every night we're having dinner.

Yeah, uh...

stupid old dinner.

Together? Oh, that is so romantic.

Oh, it's just, what, just a cup of noodles.

Look at you... trying to make it sound like it's not

the most beautiful thing in the world.

I guarantee you it's better than

a bland old plate of airplane food.

Ugh. I'd rather eat the hot towel.

At least it's lemony.

Wow, you sit in the hot towel section.

Last time we got traveled, we sat in the warm soda seats.

Hoping the plane would crash

so we'd have something to talk about

when we got back to our boring, boring lives.

Okay, clearly you don't know how plane crashes work.

Um, it kind of seems like

you might be going out of your way

to make your lives seem...

I don't know, crappy?

Yeah. Like you think we're, like,

jealous of you or something?

Uhm, well, you guys are doing the same thing.

You don't think we're jealous of your lives, do you?

Kind of.

Well...

sorry to disappoint you, but...

we actually love our boring, boring lives.

And we love our super busy lives.

A-And we love your lives.

And we love yours.

- All right, then. - All right, then.

Okay.

Anyone want to play a board game?

Yeah, uh, actually, do you have any more of those noodles?

Oh, uh, we just said

it was noodles to make you guys feel better.

We're having eggplant parmesan with braised brussels sprouts,

and it's fabulous.

- Now I am jealous. - Yeah. You guys want some?

Yeah.

- Hey. - Hey.

Thought you'd be down in the basement working out.

Isn't this usually when you pump your irons?

It's-it's actually "pump iron."

The way you say it sounds...

creepy.

Uh, honey, down in the bomb shelter,

alone, grunting... It's, uh, it's pretty creepy.

Today I was, uh...

thinking about us, and...

you know, one of the things

I really love about our relationship

is I don't compete with you.

Uh, yeah you do.

Yeah, the polar run, Jeopardy!, game night.

All right, all right, all right.

Uh, holding your breath, staring contests, -Okay.

- Flipping coins... - Okay, okay, okay.

If you want to go down that road, I could name 50 more.

Naming contests.

I compete with you in games, okay?

But in our relationship, I don't.

You're my partner, you're not my opponent.

Okay, where's this coming from?

Because it's sweet, but I don't have time to make dinner

and fool around, so...

I just want you to know, I-I...

I know why I was being difficult.

I know, honey. It's your personality.

Right.

But it seems like every time I go to the doctor now,

he's always giving me some advice

about how to do something different...

because I'm getting old.

And when I agreed with the doctor, you felt like

I was on his team and not yours.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

But, honey, I hope you understand

that I am always, always on your team.

And you know what, I think stretching's a good idea.

Flexibility... I'll give yoga a shot.

- Really? - Yeah.

Oh, good. Okay, all right, good.

- Well, then, uh, do you want to try a class with me? - Yeah.

- Okay. - Uh, do they have a no-farting rule?

Honey, it is the same rules as church.

Look, I will start dinner.

And then maybe afterwards, we could, uh,

- do some stretches together, huh? - Great.

Uh, with or without the yoga pants?

Does it have to be either-or?

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

Look, I've been called stubborn, obstinate,

bull-headed. And that was just this morning.

Translation, to me:

Strong, consistent and reliable.

People talk about flexibility like it's a great quality.

Well, listen, Gumby is flexible.

Would you want to rely on somebody like him?

However you can be strong and flexible.

Like Simone Biles, wow.

Of course, she's a little stubborn when it comes

to not sharing gold medals with somebody else.

But like Simone sticking the landing,

there are times when we all need to have a little give

and a little flex in our knees, right?

For me, it's like when that bonehead passes 100 cars

dipping into the right turn only lane

and tries to wedge himself in front of you.

Believe me,

I share the inflexible desire

to squeeze him into the approaching bridge abutment.

But just when my demolition derby blood starts flowing,

I realize I'd be dinging my own truck.

So I do my stretch and my mental handspring,

and let the dude merge.

Letting it go, flipping him off the whole way home.

But I don't tap his bumper to make him

pull over so I can fight him. You know why?

Because... ah...

I am... flexible.

Baxter out.

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