Original subtitles

-[Irish music playing] -DEE: Dennis.

Wake up, buddy.

Smell the stew, okay?

Breathe in the arousing aromas

of this delicious st-- Ah, screw it.

-[screaming] -[laughs]

What the hell was that? That's hot as shit.

Yeah, yeah, that's a whole bowl of stew

you took right in the grill.

See? It does wake people up.

[grunts]

Why am I in a hospital? [spits]

And why is your head still on? Did they reattach it?

Left the skin pretty loose, I see.

You didn't behead me, you stupid idiot.

You had a 105-degree fever,

and you were hallucinating.

You were too weak to even lift the ax.

You did collapse and shit yourself

and stink up the whole castle.

You know, Dee, I, uh...

I'm starting to think I might have had COVID.

-Oh, yeah? You think? -Yeah.

Mr. Reynolds, you're finally up.

What is that?

-It's stew. What's the update, man? -Stew.

Uh, okay. How are we feeling?

Uh, outraged, violated,

disgusted at the looseness of my sister's neck,

covered in stew,

dragged from my castle to a dingy hospital

where I'm about to be saddled with an enormous bill.

Well, there is no bill. It's free.

Ireland has public health care.

Oh, well, then that'll be fine.

It's free, huh?

Well, then maybe I ought to get my neck done.

[laughter]

Yeah, your sister's a stitch.

Oh, yeah? Have you heard the one

about the hot Irish doctor who has a fling

with the hilarious American tourist?

'Cause I could give you the punch line

over drinks tonight, my place.

Uh, sure. Yeah, yeah. Sounds great.

-Tonight it is. -[Irish brogue]: Tonight it is.

Looks like mama's about to have

a little of the old luck of the Irish.

[laughs]

["Pot of Gold" by Christopher Beaty playing]

DEE: You know, I'm just so glad you're feeling better,

Dennis, I really am.

Now, a couple quick things about the castle,

I do need you to clear out of here for the night.

-What? -Mm.

Dee, I haven't even begun to do half the things

I want to do with this castle.

-Now you're asking me to leave? -Yeah.

-[Frank shouts] -[gasps] -Oh, Christ!

Frankenstein in the house.

-Christ. What is this? -What are you doing?

Just want to reconnect with my kids.

Not you so much, more Dennis.

Like, you know, father-son thing.

I mean, you know, it's one of the strongest bonds there is.

-Come on. Give me a kiss. -What are you doing?

-A kiss? [stammers] No! -Come on, give me a... lean down, give me a kiss.

Give your daddy a kiss.

No, no! God. Get your lips away from me, Frank.

What?

-Cut the bullshit. What's your angle? -What are you doing here?

Charlie's got a new dad.

A-a new dad?

-Weird. -Yeah.

I want to humiliate the jerk.

I want to send his Irish ass packing.

-He's jealous. -Yeah.

Okay, well, listen, I-I don't have any interest in the, uh,

interpersonal dynamics between an old man

and his roommate/surrogate adult son,

but if we can incorporate

the castle into it in some way, then I'm in.

-Done. -DEE: No.

-No. -Yes.

Goddamn it, no! You listen to me.

This trip has been absolutely ruined because of you, okay?

And I have one chance tonight to have a good time in Ireland,

so here is what is going to happen,

I'm going to go down to the bog, I'm going to gather peat moss

to burn it to try and get rid of the shit smell

that Dennis stunk up the castle with.

Do not be here when I get back.

Cool.

[chuckles]

She's... [chuckles]

-Bent out of shape. -Yeah.

Well... just me and you, huh?

-Yeah. -[chuckles]

It's a little odd being one on one, though, you know.

I feel, I feel like we usually have a buffer.

Yeah.

Yeah.

GUS: So, Mac,

when did you hear the call to become a priest?

Oh, when God took away my Irish identity

and made me Dutch to smite me for the urges that He gave me

when I made the original sin of being born.

That's not the way God works, Mac.

He doesn't smite us.

Yes, He does. Yes, He does. Remember the flood

that took out the whole world?

Remember? Then-then-then Noah made that ark,

and he saved himself but no women,

-which was really cool. -[both laugh]

Not sure how he made more people after that, though.

Could've been another rib situation.

Either way, then God made the Ark of the Covenant

where he promised to never, ever do it again.

Then a bunch of people looked at it.

He didn't like that, so he blasted them, too.

Remember, the Nazis got their faces all melted off,

and the-the guy with the whip and the hat, he was cool.

I think you've mixed that story up with Indiana Jones.

Oh. I did?

-Yeah, but listen... -Oh.

...many of the stories in the Bible are metaphors.

Parables with lessons.

What's the lesson of the last one? Don't look at my shit?

Look, you're looking at this all wrong.

The Bible is a guidepost.

Interpretations can change over time.

They can?

Yes, and so can the Church.

Our God, the God we teach here,

is a merciful God.

One that loves us for exactly who we are.

Otherwise, why would He have made us that way

in the first place?

[chuckles]

Yeah.

Yeah. Wow.

Thanks, Gus.

SHELLEY: That's John Patrick Kelly.

Killed by the plague.

And his son William, also the plague.

And Michael Kelly.

He was attacked by the village loon,

became a loon himself.

He died from eating rocks, which he thought were eggs.

Oof. [laughs] Yeah, I've made that mistake, yeah.

So, are all the Kellys buried here?

Uh...

Honored, yes. Buried, no.

They were all thrown from a cliff into the sea.

You see, legend has it

that only when a man is thrown from a cliff into the sea,

may his soul be released.

-Huh. -When I pass, I'll have the same done for me.

All Kelly men must be thrown from a cliff into the sea.

Wow.

-That's pretty cool. -Yeah.

Yeah. What about the women?

Oh, the women are thrown from a cliff as well.

Mostly alive.

[stammers] Just to see if they can fly,

as they're presumed to be witches.

Right. Right.

Well, we... we honor their spirits.

Ah, yes, their spirits watch over us. The men, that is.

Ah.

The women roam the land

as terrible hags and banshees

whose wailing warns of impending death.

If you ever see

a gruesome woman

covered in filth

with long, stringy hair,

who's horribly shrieking

in the night,

the end is near.

[sighs]

Whoa.

I mean, how am I supposed to know what peat is?

What am I, a botanist?

Hey-o. I'll burn you.

Be like lighting a match. That works.

-[phone buzzing] -Oh.

Hey-o. That's my guy.

A selfie, huh? You got it.

[phone camera clicks]

Oh, goddamn it.

Dennis got me all worked up about my neck.

Here.

[phone camera clicks]

I mean, that's just insane.

Maybe if I stand back a little bit.

Let's see here.

-Oh! -[phone camera clicks]

[coughs] Ew.

Oh, shit.

[grunting]

Oh... Help!

Dennis!

Um, I...

This is crazy, but I think I'm stuck.

[bog bubbling]

Am I sinking?

Oh, shit, I'm sinking.

Yes.

Yes.

You're right.

Huh? Who you talking to?

Hmm? Oh, uh, nothing. It's just the-the castle.

The castle?

-Oh. -Yeah, don't worry about it.

-Yeah, no. -Okay, we've got it.

-What? -It'll be a dinner.

-Hmm? -A banquet of humiliation.

Wait a minute. The old turd in the soup trick.

-What? No. We're not... -Turd in the soup.

We're not putting a turd in someone's soup, Frank, okay?

Can we be a little bit more sophisticated than that?

All right, so you invite them to a classy dinner.

You wine and dine the man

while also pointing out all of his character flaws,

and then you lure him over

to the castle's murder hole.

Is that like a-a glory hole?

A predecessor to the glory hole, perhaps.

It's a discreet opening concealed in plain sight,

except, instead of for sex,

it's used for murder.

-[laughs] -[whoops]

-You didn't see that there, did you? -No.

No. [laughs] Yeah, so you'll

lure him under the hole,

where I will, uh, douse him with boiling oil

or hot tar or really any scalding substance.

Wait, you're gonna char the guy?

[laughs] Yeah.

-Gonna char him up? -Yeah.

I'm not gonna kill him or anything, but it's-it's

got to be hot enough to be annoying as shit, right?

-You know what I mean? -Yeah. Burn him.

Uh, he's gonna get burned.

But, I mean, Charlie's got to see him lose his cool,

so we can expose him

as the child-abandoning monster that he really is.

-Exactly. -Oh, FYI,

I'll know exactly when to pour the boiling substance on him

because I'm going to be hiding in this passageway here.

I'm gonna take this painting,

cover up the passageway.

I'm gonna cut out the eyeholes

so I can see everything that's happening.

That's something I've always wanted to do,

and it fully takes advantage of the castle.

It also happens to be the castle's preference

for how this is all gonna go down.

-Oh, right. -Yeah.

Wow. I wouldn't have been able

to think of this all by myself. I...

I mean... You know,

the sickness and anger inside of you is diabolical.

-Way to go, son. -Well...

I suppose all of your years of neglect

and misdeeds

have allowed me to harness the darkness inside me

and to unleash it

without conscience, so...

Yeah, perhaps I owe you a...

thanks for making me the man I am today, Frank. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Yeah, y... Maybe I'll just, um...

-There. -Oh.

Was that okay to do?

Yeah, it was nice.

Good.

So, you're telling me

that the whole Cain and Abel thing

didn't actually happen?

Metaphor.

This is all so confusing.

Yes, look... [sighs]

Our faith is... it's complicated.

Can I admit something?

You said you were, you were born a certain way.

-You're... different. -Mm-hmm.

You have urges that, traditionally,

the Church has been very clear about.

Well...

I have those urges, too.

-You do? -Yes.

I, too, have an eye for the lads.

It's not uncommon. There's nothing wrong with it.

It's who He made us.

But, uh, our path,

this path, is very clear.

We must never act on those urges.

[sighs] That's gonna be really hard for me.

That's what he said.

[both laugh]

That's-that's really good.

Thank you. I'm sorry.

It just slipped out.

-That's what he said. -[both laughing]

Shh! Shh.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Help!

Oh, God, help.

-WOMAN: Hello? -Hello!

-Hello? -H-Hello!

-Hello... -W-W-Waitress?

Oh... my God.

What the hell are you doing out here?

What are you doing out here with a toiletry bag?

Are you gonna brush your teeth in a stream or something?

No. I was gonna shave my legs.

Ew. Gross.

Um, hey, can you help a girl out and then get me of this bog?

Are you stuck in there?

Yeah.

-[both laugh] -I know.

I also seem to be sinking.

-And, uh... I know. -Uh-oh.

And I-I-I have a date tonight

with a real hot Irish doctor.

Is he meeting you here, or...?

You got me. No, no. He's meeting me out there.

-I bet. -So that's why I want

to get out of here. I also don't want to die,

but, either way, could you p-- just give me a big tug,

and I bet you could get me out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here, here. I got you. Let me just...

-[sighs] You're a livesa... -Grab my hand, and I'll-- Psych!

-[laughs] -"Psych"?

-Your face. I'm kidding. No, I got you. -Okay.

-Psych! [laughing] -Oh...

Two times.

-I will get you. -Hey, uh, well, just quick tip

for you, nobody does "psych" anymore. It's kind of dumb.

-Oh, do they not? -Nah, it's not funny, it's dumb.

-I feel like it's classic. I-I got you. -Oh, you got me.

-You got me. I got you, and you got me. -I got you.

Okay.

It's fun. All right, here we go. Psych!

Oh, my God. Just-- Come on. Knock it off.

Cut the shit. Get me out of here.

I will, I will, I will. All you have to do is one thing.

Yes. Great. What?

Say my name.

Hmm?

Just say my name. What is it?

Oh, o... kay, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

-It's-- That's easy. -Okay.

Just, just give me, give me a second.

GUS: Well, Mac, this is it.

The end of a typical day in my life.

It's modest, pious,

and somewhat dull,

but I can't imagine my life any other way. [chuckles]

-What do you think? -Gus,

knowing that there's somebody here

that's exactly like me gives me the courage

to-to want to do it, too, so tomorrow

I am going to join the seminary.

Grand! I am so happy for you.

And I must admit, I'm happy for myself, too.

Having someone here

who knows how I feel will help keep me

-on the straight and the narrow. -Yes.

And no matter how strong those urges get,

and they will be strong,

we must never, ever give in to them

because we would get kicked out of the Church.

-Good, good. -Yes.

And we'll never, ever leave each other alone

in the room with the wee lads.

Yes, and I also think...

Wait, what?

Or the wee lasses, whatever you're into.

There's no judgment here.

And, of course, you know, if you do slip up,

you'll go to a new parish, they sort the family out,

have some chats, perhaps some money changes hands,

perhaps not. No harm, no foul.

You come back, you're grand.

Uh...

Yeah, I'm gay. What are you talking about?

Oh...

No. I'm gay. That's it.

I'm a gay man.

I'm a gay man who has trouble controlling his...

urges with other

gay adult men,

and that's the end of it.

[sighs] Goddamn it.

[knocking]

Ah, welcome, welcome. Come in, come in.

-You're leaving us waiting out there forever. -No, no, no. Come on in.

Welcome, welcome. Shirley, let me take your coat.

Frank, his name is Shelley, okay? You know this.

And you couldn't take his coat if you tried, dude,

'cause it's buttoned to his pants

in traditional Irish style.

I'm not wearing a coat.

Right, he's not even wearing a coat, man.

All right, look, we brought you this. We made it ourselves,

-with love. -Mm.

You made cheese together?

Uh, well, personally,

I think cheese should be sprayed out of a can,

but to each his own.

Yeah, well, normally I would agree with you, Frank,

but Shelley's really opened my eyes to a whole new world.

Oh, yeah? Well, that can be very blinding.

But I'm sure, by the end of the evening,

we'll all be seeing clear.

Let's sit down.

I don't like how you said that. I don't like how he said that.

-Ah, yeah. -Wow.

-Well, come on in. -Cool.

-Wow. Okay. -Yeah. -Very nice.

Put it right there. Welcome. Sit down there.

-Went all out, huh? -Shirley, you over there.

-Charlie, there. -Here?

Welcome, and thank you all for coming.

You know, it's been a very trying time

with Charlie finding his biological father,

who abandoned him when he was a child, by the way.

Not judging, just the facts.

Okay, I can't really read the tone of this dinner, you know?

It's very confusing. You're being mean,

you're being nice. What are you doing?

No, no, I-I want everybody to be happy.

In fact, in the spirit of that, I bought everybody a gift.

So, just look under your seats, and you'll see

a nice gift for you. Uh, Shelley, you go first.

-Oh. -Oh, wow.

-Yeah. -Okay.

Very nice.

Swim goggles?

Yeah, they're good ones, too.

They'll protect your eyes from any chlorine

or oils or any other hot liquid

that might come in contact with your face.

That's, that's very kind of you, Frank, yeah, thanks.

Yeah, Frank, I'm not seeing a present for me.

No, no, no. [stammers]

Just the one gift, just for Shelley.

Eat up. Yeah. [stammers]

Eat it while it's hot. It's, uh,

it's, uh, butternut squash soup.

And for the special guest,

there's a couple meatballs in there.

DENNIS: Didn't put any goddamn meatballs in that soup.

-Do you hear something? -Yeah.

Oh, it's probably your stomach grumbling from hunger.

Eat up before they get cold.

Oh, why don't I get any meatballs?

Now, just for the special guest. Eat up, Shel.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Don't eat that.

What's in the soup, Frank?

[stammers] Just butternut squash. A simple soup.

Are the meatballs turds?

What? No, no, they're homemade meatballs.

Shelley, eat 'em up before they get cold.

-Go on. Go on. -No, don't-don't-don't eat them.

-Go on, Shelley. -Frank, you eat a meatball.

You want me to eat the meatball?

Yeah, just eat a meatball. Eat one.

All right.

Grab a meatball, scoop it out.

[muffled, indistinct talking]

[muffled]: Delicious.

Now, Shelley, have, have a meatball.

CHARLIE: No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, Shelley doesn't want one yet.

-Chew it. Chew it. -[grunts]

And then swallow it.

Chew it up.

-[retches] -Oh! I knew it!

I knew it, Frank!

You're not trying to bring us closer together,

you're trying to drive us apart!

I knew you couldn't host a dinner without a motive.

You just can't do it.

All right, you got me. Okay?

I'm tired of you hanging out with him the whole vacation.

I mean, all right, go ahead,

go, have your fun,

but when you get back to Philly,

I don't want to even hear the name Shelley.

Well, I'm not coming back to Philly, Frank!

[Dennis gasps]

I think there's another man in this room.

Never mind him. What'd you say, Charlie?

I said I'm not coming back, Frank. I want to stay here.

I'm gonna stay here,

and I'm gonna work in my dad's shop with him,

if-if that's all right with you.

Oh, that would make me the happiest man in the world.

Well, you do that, and... don't...

don't even think of coming back because we're finished.

That's the end of it.

All right, Frank, if that's how you feel,

we'll get out of your hair. Come on, Dad.

I'm sorry about this.

Thanks for the goggles, Frank.

[groans]

Frank! What the hell was that?!

Charlie picked Shelley.

I... I'm talking about the turd soup, man.

You know, I'm starting to get caught up

in this whole father-son thing, too,

but then you put a-a turd in your mouth. I mean, my God.

He had me up against the wall. What was I supposed to do?

Not eat a poopy.

[groans] Clementine? Valentine?

Diana? Denise?

Dennis? [sputters] Dane?

Goddamn it. [whimpers]

I've named every name in the entire world.

How have I not gotten it yet?

Oh, no, no, no. You-you got it a while back. It's just...

I'm really enjoying watching you struggle.

[whimpers] You drunk bitch!

[groans]

Okay.

I'm gonna save you.

Unlike you,

I'm not a psychopath.

Oh, ugh, God. Okay.

[grunting]

-Okay. Oh... Oh, God. -[sputtering]

Uh-oh, uh-oh. Now I'm in it.

Hold on. No. Oh. Let go. No, let go!

-Yes, you're doing it. -No, you're pulling me in.

-Yes. -What are you doing?

-No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. -Thank you!

-It's working. You're doing it. -You're pushing me under.

-You're doing it. -Let me out.

-Oh, you are my hero. -My legs are stuck.

-Oh, yes! -Wait!

-Wait, wait, now I'm stuck. -You're stuck?

I would suggest you don't move 'cause you're just

-gonna sink. -Help me out.

Oh, no, I'm not gonna do that 'cause I got a date,

-but I'll come back. -No, no, no.

-You can't leave me here. -Great job!

Oh, you dirty bitch.

I'm gonna get out, I'm gonna kill you.

-I'll be back after my date. -I'll kill you.

Thank you so much.

[whimpers] Help!

I'm so sorry about Frank. I...

I can't believe he tried to feed you shit.

I'll never forgive him for that.

Ah, Charlie, it's good to forgive.

You know, a true Kelly

always puts things right with the men in his life.

Yeah.

Not so much the women.

Thus, the curse of the banshees.

Right.

Help! Help! Help! Help!

Help!

DEE [distant]: Help!

What is that?

[indistinct screaming]

Are you seeing that? What is that?

[indistinct screaming continues]

[gasps]

What was that?

A banshee.

[Bernard Herrmann's "Prelude" from Psychoplaying]

♪

[trio chanting backwards]

[SCREECHES][NARRATOR READING]

I want to go somewhere exotic.

[LAUGHS] Ireland, baby!

NARRATOR: An all new season.

Do you mind if I go sample some of your jellies?

No, help yourself.Delightful.

[GAGGING]

A banquet...What?

[GAGGING]Ew.

...of humiliation...[ALL EXCLAIMING]

...and murder.Wait, what?

[ALL SCREAMING]

All right. This is why Irish people hate Americans.

[NARRATOR READING]

[SHEEP BLEATING]

No one has seen a stolen food truck, would ya?

Um... no.

Someone stole a truck. Broad daylight.

MAN: Put your seatbelt on.Seatbelt?

Put your seatbelt on or we're not leaving.Jeez!

MAN: Your good thieves. Best in town.

Thank you.

It is a small town.

It is hard to be a warrior with dignity.

[SCREAMS] [COUGHS]

Brace yourselves.

Give me your best arguments.Sure.

WOMAN: Pop culture is a religion.

Fire. [CHUCKLES]

You're in an era where we worship celebrity.

Oh, and also...

Susie, shh!

I don't listen to people, I listen to God.

It's constitutionally guaranteed.

Oh, terrible.

I'm here to present the future.

I posted that black square, I deleted that black square,

I reposted the black square,

and then I redeleted the black square.